Help! From the ladies, please

[infinity706]

There are an awful lot of assumptions and generalisations there. All acts in sex can be symbolic, but equally, sometimes they aren't. They don't call Freud a quack these days for nothing

You're probably right. I still like the way emap thinks, though.

 

[Firebrain]

You're probably right. I still like the way emap thinks, though.

Emap isn't the OP's girlfriend though - just like the rest of us. There's no point trying to guess how she interprets things.

 

[culloden]

Being a man, I can't answer your main question. I can tell you there's a good thread going on the BDSM forum about feminism and dominance.

I can also sympathize. Many years ago, I was in a relationship with a bi-polar girl. There's a book to say about it, but the chief thing I want to add is that you may be smart backing off on the sexual side of things. The girl I was with stressed out about sex. She enjoyed it during, but she often stressed out about it after the fact. Stress doesn't help bi-polar people. Sounds like you're taking a constructive approach. Good luck.

 

[blackkittycat]

Same age, she is drop dead gorgeous, absolutely wonderful except she is an emotional wreck. Comes from a terrible home of sexual abuse. Not the worst you ever heard but pretty unpleasant. Mild physical abuse as a child followed by years of lots and lots of degrading verbal abuse until she moved out (18, would have left earlier if the law allowed), mostly from Dad.

So it is totally unfair, but she has some real baggage. She has a huge sexual appetite but is enormously hung up. Eg she finds herself really threatened by "maleness".

There is a real paradox. She loves me being dominant, but certain dominant behaviors make her flip out, and descend into an inconsolable blackness for a week or so. Then it takes a few days to get back into it sexually. It is a challenge for me because we can be doing it like jungle animals and then bam it is over. Sometimes she knows if she will be bothered and sometimes she doesn't.

She has other problems too, but sexually these are sort of some big issues. We have been together for 6 months and all the problems are causing us to take a break. She is in counseling again, blah blah.

Coming from a similar background as her, I can probably understand what she's feeling. My dad was physically abusing us until we grew old enough to defend ourselves, then he switches over to verbal abuse. But from here we differ. Oh, I was depressed for a time but finally realised that I could continue to let the past influenced my life or I could accept the past and try and make the most of what I could of my future. Sexually, I have a big appetite. I think that's a must after years of being repressed.

However there are things I hate, things that when happened, can call up my blackest mood. Even though I've determined not to let the past influenced my life, sometimes what my partner says can make me feel so dirty and ugly, even though it's meant to be a turn on, that I would immediately become withdrawn. Then another time when he'll say the same thing and I'll be completely fine about it.

Hmm, what goes through my mind during sex? "Fuck me harder"? lol. I like rough sex and generally my partners aren't rough enough to satisfy me.

As you've said, she is already trying as hard as she can to fix her mental state. All you can do is be there for her and listen, REALLY listen to her needs. Maybe you've missed a signal here and there of these mood swings and if it is, well then you've better pay attention. And take it easy during sex. Don't try anything too... adventurous for now, until she is coping better with her mental state. And of course, work out what the triggers are.

 

[cinnamon1977]

From this girl's point of view . . . what is going through my head depends on the heat of the moment and how it all feels.
For example if its not so great I could be thinking of my To Do list later. If its kinda okay, but I would rather do a different position its be more like, "oh yeah that's good; but I wonder if we could change it up to...." Or if its awesomely great forget thought, there is no coherent thought or point of reference if its an extremely great orgasmic moment!
But that's just how I see it.