champagne1982
Dangerous Liaison
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I've had these on the shelf for a while now. I'd like to polish this series and send it out sometime soon. Any input is welcome and appreciated.
Help! Feedback these, please.
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champagne1982
Dangerous Liaison
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Sparks
Lie down with me on cool grass,
look up into the sky.
I'll whisper you a story --
A woman peered through the night
seeing more than flames
at the fire on her hearth.
A spark flew up higher than sight, lost,
along a stream of milk, from Gaia's breasts.
Come drift with me in starlit time
we'll rest in Machu Pichu,
counting how long the spark has lived
with our condor's eyes and serpent's scales
Straight, on a heavenly path, we'll fly
to Ramses' chamber, deep inside the stones.
A spark will light the torch
to shine upon the feather of truth.
Hathor promises the floods will come
to save the children of Ra
bringing them, swimming, home.
Look north and east, we'll speed to Sumer
and antiquity's kingdoms, hidden from conscious
memory but striking sparks on ancient stone.
Fables of a nation, who built a tower high.
Audacity and bitumen would take them
to the sky and there, they'd touch the stars.
God is jealous of his domain,
the stars His sentinels.
Vanity's tower was cast from heaven
and the landing sparked confusion,
in the minds of men.
Look up and listen to myths answering
the questions asked the stars.
Heroes and gods living, immortal,
atop the highest mountain peak,
or placed in a goddess' tapestry to sparkle,
against midnight's mistress' skin.
Copernicus bit his tongue and held close
the spark of truth he'd found. His prayers
answered, centuries gone, when the world
could bear the news that we are not the center
and the universe does not revolve around mankind.
Galileo's furnace blasted sand. His hands
polished a lens, the grinding sparking stardust.
Mankind could see, without doubt, the truth
still remained shrouded in mystery.
The stars will still be there tomorrow
and the spark, shining in your eye,
confirms my notion, even though we lie
down on cool grass, our souls sail
along a stream of milk, from Gaia's breasts.
Lie down with me on cool grass,
look up into the sky.
I'll whisper you a story --
A woman peered through the night
seeing more than flames
at the fire on her hearth.
A spark flew up higher than sight, lost,
along a stream of milk, from Gaia's breasts.
Come drift with me in starlit time
we'll rest in Machu Pichu,
counting how long the spark has lived
with our condor's eyes and serpent's scales
Straight, on a heavenly path, we'll fly
to Ramses' chamber, deep inside the stones.
A spark will light the torch
to shine upon the feather of truth.
Hathor promises the floods will come
to save the children of Ra
bringing them, swimming, home.
Look north and east, we'll speed to Sumer
and antiquity's kingdoms, hidden from conscious
memory but striking sparks on ancient stone.
Fables of a nation, who built a tower high.
Audacity and bitumen would take them
to the sky and there, they'd touch the stars.
God is jealous of his domain,
the stars His sentinels.
Vanity's tower was cast from heaven
and the landing sparked confusion,
in the minds of men.
Look up and listen to myths answering
the questions asked the stars.
Heroes and gods living, immortal,
atop the highest mountain peak,
or placed in a goddess' tapestry to sparkle,
against midnight's mistress' skin.
Copernicus bit his tongue and held close
the spark of truth he'd found. His prayers
answered, centuries gone, when the world
could bear the news that we are not the center
and the universe does not revolve around mankind.
Galileo's furnace blasted sand. His hands
polished a lens, the grinding sparking stardust.
Mankind could see, without doubt, the truth
still remained shrouded in mystery.
The stars will still be there tomorrow
and the spark, shining in your eye,
confirms my notion, even though we lie
down on cool grass, our souls sail
along a stream of milk, from Gaia's breasts.
Last edited:
WickedEve
save an apple, eat eve
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2001
- Posts
- 11,470
First impression: Heavy
It needs to be lighter. Think of this poem as a hot air balloon. Start throwing some words over the side. That may help it sound a bit more poetic. Sorry, I can't be more specific about which words, but it's late, and I'm crazy at night, which leads to chop happy suggestions.
It needs to be lighter. Think of this poem as a hot air balloon. Start throwing some words over the side. That may help it sound a bit more poetic. Sorry, I can't be more specific about which words, but it's late, and I'm crazy at night, which leads to chop happy suggestions.
BooMerengue
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2002
- Posts
- 5,456
Champ! You know I love your stuff... all of it. I'm like Eve here... it needs to lose some weight. Unlike Ange, I don't automatically sing my poems. I have some I do. But this one sang to me right from the start.
Bear w/ me...
This part
"Lie down with me on cool grass,
look up into the sky.
I'll whisper you a story -- "
immediately sounded blue grassy which might not be a good thing to everyone, but it is to me.
The rest?
I thought of Peter Gabriel and his soundtrack from The Last Temptation Of Christ. I heard the music of ancient lands. On the second read I was on my dragon flying over these places while they still lived vibrant and I heard their ancient drums.
Had I waited I probably wouldn't have posted. These are my gut impressions. I really like it.
Bear w/ me...
This part
"Lie down with me on cool grass,
look up into the sky.
I'll whisper you a story -- "
immediately sounded blue grassy which might not be a good thing to everyone, but it is to me.
The rest?
I thought of Peter Gabriel and his soundtrack from The Last Temptation Of Christ. I heard the music of ancient lands. On the second read I was on my dragon flying over these places while they still lived vibrant and I heard their ancient drums.
Had I waited I probably wouldn't have posted. These are my gut impressions. I really like it.
champagne1982
Dangerous Liaison
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2002
- Posts
- 7,671
a leaner, lighter poem?
I always fear that when trimming I'll cut out the words that make the poetry flow. This poem cannot be shorter. Perhaps if I used it as a summary rather than an introduction to the series it would work better. Then you would see where we have been and where I want to take you.
Thanks, Eve and Boo. Here's a try at what I think you meant for me to do.
Sparks
Lie with me on cool grass,
look into the sky.
I'll whisper you a story --
A woman peered through the night
seeing more than flames
on her hearth.
A spark flew, higher than sight, lost,
along a stream of milk, from Gaia's breasts.
Drift with me in starlit time
we'll rest in Machu Pichu,
with condor's eyes and serpent's scales,
count how long the spark has lived.
Straight, on a heavenly path, we'll fly
to Ramses' chamber.
The spark lighting a torch
to shine upon the feather of truth.
Hathor promises the floods will come
to save the children of Ra
bringing them, swimming, home.
Look northeast, we'll speed to Sumer,
antiquity's kingdoms, hidden from
memory, still striking sparks on ancient stone.
Fables of a tower, high.
Audacity and bitumen took them
up to touch the sky.
God is jealous of his domain,
the stars, His sentinels.
Vanity's tower was cast down,
the landing sparking confusion,
in the minds of men.
Wise myths answer
mankind's questions asked the stars.
Heroes and gods,
atop the highest mountain,
placed in a goddess' tapestry to sparkle,
against midnight's mistress' skin.
Copernicus, to save his soul, held close
the spark of truth he'd found. His prayers
answered when the world
could bear the news.
We are not the center of the universe.
Galileo's hands polished a lens,
the grinding sparking stardust.
The answers hidden in midnight sky,
the truth still remains,
shrouded in mystery.
The stars will, evermore, be there
and the spark, shining in your eye,
confirms my notion, even though we lie
on cool grass, our souls sail
along a stream of milk, from Gaia's breasts.
I always fear that when trimming I'll cut out the words that make the poetry flow. This poem cannot be shorter. Perhaps if I used it as a summary rather than an introduction to the series it would work better. Then you would see where we have been and where I want to take you.
Thanks, Eve and Boo. Here's a try at what I think you meant for me to do.
Sparks
Lie with me on cool grass,
look into the sky.
I'll whisper you a story --
A woman peered through the night
seeing more than flames
on her hearth.
A spark flew, higher than sight, lost,
along a stream of milk, from Gaia's breasts.
Drift with me in starlit time
we'll rest in Machu Pichu,
with condor's eyes and serpent's scales,
count how long the spark has lived.
Straight, on a heavenly path, we'll fly
to Ramses' chamber.
The spark lighting a torch
to shine upon the feather of truth.
Hathor promises the floods will come
to save the children of Ra
bringing them, swimming, home.
Look northeast, we'll speed to Sumer,
antiquity's kingdoms, hidden from
memory, still striking sparks on ancient stone.
Fables of a tower, high.
Audacity and bitumen took them
up to touch the sky.
God is jealous of his domain,
the stars, His sentinels.
Vanity's tower was cast down,
the landing sparking confusion,
in the minds of men.
Wise myths answer
mankind's questions asked the stars.
Heroes and gods,
atop the highest mountain,
placed in a goddess' tapestry to sparkle,
against midnight's mistress' skin.
Copernicus, to save his soul, held close
the spark of truth he'd found. His prayers
answered when the world
could bear the news.
We are not the center of the universe.
Galileo's hands polished a lens,
the grinding sparking stardust.
The answers hidden in midnight sky,
the truth still remains,
shrouded in mystery.
The stars will, evermore, be there
and the spark, shining in your eye,
confirms my notion, even though we lie
on cool grass, our souls sail
along a stream of milk, from Gaia's breasts.
champagne1982
Dangerous Liaison
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2002
- Posts
- 7,671
Aries, In Martian Red
Arian perfection sets you apart
Riotous battles within your heart.
Is it bravery or is it temper?
Ever a warrior, courageous,
Standing beloved, beside me.
Arian perfection sets you apart
Riotous battles within your heart.
Is it bravery or is it temper?
Ever a warrior, courageous,
Standing beloved, beside me.
jd4george
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2004
- Posts
- 137
Champagne...
I think I've been where you are now, knowing that the essense of my verse sings, but not quite hearing the music.
I agree with Eve and Boo. I see some possible trimming, and I "think" I hear the music... and the images conjur much. But, why isn't it working?
Again, suspecting that I'm like you, and that you'd prefer to do the polishing, I offer some general observations and comments. (Though, I'll admit, I have a sample edit tucked away... seems fair, in return for your gifting me with the knowledge of this place's existence).
There's a softness in the piece that gets obfuscated by some punctuation. Your rewritten first verse is an example... I hear "look into the sky and I'll tell you a story"... but the period stops me, and the "and" doesn't exist.
From that promise of a story whispered, some verses seem to fluctuate between storytelling and new-age minimalism. Both are good, but they don't work together, (like a fine Margaux served with ice and a splash... it's going to take a special palatte to like it).
Keep reading the poem aloud as you write. Don't whisper it! The subtle flow of the words from the tongue is where I suspect the magic is. Assuming, of course, that you mean the promise of your first verse.
Then, cheat! Screw the bullshit rules of how stuff is supposed to look and sound in 2004. I think the logical mind is in the way.... this time.
Screw making it short, for now. You've set yourself up with a lot of classical references, and they demand proper deference. Either that, or dump some of the referneces.
Then, the advice of Besty Sholl... try it without your favorite line, or favorite image. It's all to easy to let ourselves get married to something we'll later regret... it's just that our heart is too stupid to notice!
Now, look at how the poem looks. The visual structure is always some indication, or promise, of how the poem will read. Notice how it vascillates between strong linear verse, and shorter more staccato lines? You do both well, (I know, I've read your catalog), but which one do you want me to see... and THEN hear?
My gut says that because there is such classical imagery, linear might be the best treatment.
And in doing all of that, once again forget the rules. You promised the reader a story... and most good stories can be set to music... after the fact. (The moulding is easy then).
Having said all that, the only real advice I offer is this: TRUST YOUR VOICE!
(After all, we do!)
I think I've been where you are now, knowing that the essense of my verse sings, but not quite hearing the music.
I agree with Eve and Boo. I see some possible trimming, and I "think" I hear the music... and the images conjur much. But, why isn't it working?
Again, suspecting that I'm like you, and that you'd prefer to do the polishing, I offer some general observations and comments. (Though, I'll admit, I have a sample edit tucked away... seems fair, in return for your gifting me with the knowledge of this place's existence).
There's a softness in the piece that gets obfuscated by some punctuation. Your rewritten first verse is an example... I hear "look into the sky and I'll tell you a story"... but the period stops me, and the "and" doesn't exist.
From that promise of a story whispered, some verses seem to fluctuate between storytelling and new-age minimalism. Both are good, but they don't work together, (like a fine Margaux served with ice and a splash... it's going to take a special palatte to like it).
Keep reading the poem aloud as you write. Don't whisper it! The subtle flow of the words from the tongue is where I suspect the magic is. Assuming, of course, that you mean the promise of your first verse.
Then, cheat! Screw the bullshit rules of how stuff is supposed to look and sound in 2004. I think the logical mind is in the way.... this time.
Screw making it short, for now. You've set yourself up with a lot of classical references, and they demand proper deference. Either that, or dump some of the referneces.
Then, the advice of Besty Sholl... try it without your favorite line, or favorite image. It's all to easy to let ourselves get married to something we'll later regret... it's just that our heart is too stupid to notice!
Now, look at how the poem looks. The visual structure is always some indication, or promise, of how the poem will read. Notice how it vascillates between strong linear verse, and shorter more staccato lines? You do both well, (I know, I've read your catalog), but which one do you want me to see... and THEN hear?
My gut says that because there is such classical imagery, linear might be the best treatment.
And in doing all of that, once again forget the rules. You promised the reader a story... and most good stories can be set to music... after the fact. (The moulding is easy then).
Having said all that, the only real advice I offer is this: TRUST YOUR VOICE!
(After all, we do!)
champagne1982
Dangerous Liaison
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2002
- Posts
- 7,671
Hi jd . Thankyou for your offer. I'd love to see the edit you've given "Sparks". If you don't mind sharing, feel free to post it here. If you'd rather not, I think I've got space in my pm box. Your suggestions are appreciated. I'm still sort of bewildered about making changes. I don't usually have too many to do, so I'm not really very practiced.
. Thankyou for your offer. I'd love to see the edit you've given "Sparks". If you don't mind sharing, feel free to post it here. If you'd rather not, I think I've got space in my pm box. Your suggestions are appreciated. I'm still sort of bewildered about making changes. I don't usually have too many to do, so I'm not really very practiced.
champagne1982
Dangerous Liaison
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2002
- Posts
- 7,671
I'm just bumping this thread up.
I don't often ask for help or feedback so I really hope to get some more input on these ..
In case you missed the addition of the second poem:
Aries, In Martian Red
Arian perfection sets you apart
Riotous battles within your heart.
Is it bravery or is it temper?
Ever a warrior, courageous,
Standing beloved, beside me.
I don't often ask for help or feedback so I really hope to get some more input on these ..
In case you missed the addition of the second poem:
Aries, In Martian Red
Arian perfection sets you apart
Riotous battles within your heart.
Is it bravery or is it temper?
Ever a warrior, courageous,
Standing beloved, beside me.
flyguy69
Arch Angel
- Joined
- Oct 29, 2003
- Posts
- 2,661
I'm probably of little help in suggestions, but can you help me understand what the series is about?
I see creation stories, ancient astronomy from a variety of cultures (incan, egyptian, roman, hebrew, etc), romance and, perhaps, human hubris. This seems like an awful lot of topics to cover, which may relate to the issue over the length of your introductory verse. Is that poem to introduce the themes of the shorter poems to follow?
I see creation stories, ancient astronomy from a variety of cultures (incan, egyptian, roman, hebrew, etc), romance and, perhaps, human hubris. This seems like an awful lot of topics to cover, which may relate to the issue over the length of your introductory verse. Is that poem to introduce the themes of the shorter poems to follow?
champagne1982
Dangerous Liaison
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- Aug 31, 2002
- Posts
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flyguy69 said:
Hello flyguy. The series explores the zodiac and the mythology that has always been associated with the constellations as they have moved, and changed, through the night sky.
The stars are what we all share. They have been there since before humanity has had awareness that there is more to existance than just what we can touch. I wanted to suggest the explanations of how they've come to be in the sky from a northern hemispheric/GMT zone, sort of, ancestral history.
I also wanted to dip into the characteristics astrologers have given each of us, attributed to the influence of the stars we were born under. It was fun to research and condense the information out there. Mercifully, most of it was the same, just rephrased.
This poem, I hope, does introduce the other poems to follow and that is why the length is there. I wanted to tie the beginnings to our modern exploration of the sky. Astronomy is one of the first sciences, after all and therefore needs a lot of space.
champagne1982
Dangerous Liaison
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just as I discover I am not a muse, I learn I am punnier than I thought.flyguy69 said:
Honestly, that one slipped right by me until you pointed it out.
My name is T Henry and I write long poems only after months of work. Phew. I finally have thoughts on yours.
It appears that you build longer works out of short, definite segments, which means the key to a successful long poem is providing something to tie the segments together and to make sure all of the segments fit well. You've done the first with the spark of truth (with which I do have some problems) but I think most of the rough spots are in fitting the pieces together.
The roughest things for me are tense and grammar.
Tense
I think the whole poem should be in the present tense, and the changes (especially the second strophe) are jarring. I mean, why should Hathor in Egypt be in the present tense when Copernicus and Galileo are not? If we are passing through history from the spark's perspective then it will be in the present tense, as well as if re-enacting the past or whatever.
Grammar
is just a mess. I don't like gerunds. I don't mind sentence fragments and comma splices until they disrupt or derail the meaning. The third strophe: "Drift with me in starlit time / we'll rest in Machu Pichu, / with condor's eyes and serpent's scales, / count how long the spark has lived." The first time I read this I thought "we" were resting with condor's eyes and serpent's scales. And you're missing an "and" at least once (like in line 2). Sixth strophe: "Fables of a tower, high." ? The fables are high or the tower?
"His prayers answered when the world could bear the news." Were Copernicus' prayers answered or did his prayers answer the world? One is a subordinate clause and the other still doesn't make much sense. Punctuation needs a strong edit.
There are a lot of passive constructions in the poem, possibly because much of it is being watched. But some are too weak to stand, like the closing. "The stars will, evermore, be there" is extraordinarily weak. Where's "there," anyway. If I knew the stars were always going to "be there," any burning desire to rip the universe apart to find the truth is definitely going to be assuaged.
Lie with me on cool grass
The poem in parenthetical constructed, the first and last segment taking place on a grassy knoll somewhere in the near present. Other than a few evocative lines regarding a first person reference to watching the spark, "I" and "you" disappear. With these taken into account, the poem is not about a spark and it's not about the past, it's about the transmission of truth (or the desire to search for it) from one generation (or person) to the next. If this is the case, much of the poem is redundant and confusing. If this is not the case the beginning and end may be removed.
The parenthetical construction adds another layer to interpretation and I think that layer subtracts from the work put into the long middle. Clearly the poem has a narrator transmitting the information, and it would be easy to include a new ending where the spark comes alit in a modern child without the poem becoming a lecture. Just my thoughts.
Also, I'm guessing the "stream from Gaia's breasts" is the milky way, which is a nice image (and probably mythologically accurate) but doesn't make much sense nor add a time and place to where it appears. Also, there's a lot more sky than just that, which isn't even visible to all of the world.
The Spark
As a device this is great. Knowledge is always fire. In practice, it's metaphorically confusing. My understanding is that the "spark" is either actual truth or the search for it, in this case parallel with the sparkling stars and astronomy.
If that's the case:
Strophe 2: suggests that someone on earth possessed the truth and lost it to the sky in time immemorial.
Strophe 3: no astronomy at all, just the creation of a mathematics ? (which doesn't count as a step in progress since it never translated to the western world)
Strophe 4: astronomy perhaps in the prediction of floods (or the need to do so). The feather of truth?
Strophe 5, 6: no astronomy, new sparks are created? Where's our traveling spark? Spark is confusion? (Also, God is jealous of his domain, yet His sentinels get capitalized. Further also, if God god gets His pronoun capitalized I am led to believe that Hathor and Ra gods weren't really real even though they are presented in that context.)
Strophe 7: no spark, no science
Strophe 8: "finds a spark" (and again God god is real if his soul was in jeopardy, which would mean God god was wrong on this matter.)
Strophe 9: Galileo simultaneously grinds and polishes, which creates his own spark. If he didn't discover the truth, then what exactly *is* the truth?
Strophe 10: the truth is not astronomy as a science, but the fact that our souls sail along the milky way (perhaps as stars).
So: though the spark is your unifying thread, it's either poorly defined or there are more than one kind of spark. Is it the same spark or merely a kind of spark? If the latter, what are "we" following through the poem? What was lost in the beginning to the night sky? Further, some of your historic examples aren't don't line up with others. Are you illustrating the evolution of astronomy or man's desire to fit together his religion with the night sky?
The Music
Part of making a poem sing, for me, has always been making sure the notes are in tune. Otherwise what I read is dissonance and not music. That said, have you thought about adding meter? The grammar and vocabulary are complex enough that it wouldn't be too difficult:
the spark, your shining eye, confirms my no-
tion. Even though we lie on grass our souls
still sail along a stream of milk from Gaia's
breasts.
In Closing
I think the poem has a lot of potential as a whole and exhibits a lot of thought and work on individual pieces. Those two praises work against one another. What's more important? I very much look forward to reading the next version.
It appears that you build longer works out of short, definite segments, which means the key to a successful long poem is providing something to tie the segments together and to make sure all of the segments fit well. You've done the first with the spark of truth (with which I do have some problems) but I think most of the rough spots are in fitting the pieces together.
The roughest things for me are tense and grammar.
Tense
I think the whole poem should be in the present tense, and the changes (especially the second strophe) are jarring. I mean, why should Hathor in Egypt be in the present tense when Copernicus and Galileo are not? If we are passing through history from the spark's perspective then it will be in the present tense, as well as if re-enacting the past or whatever.
Grammar
is just a mess. I don't like gerunds. I don't mind sentence fragments and comma splices until they disrupt or derail the meaning. The third strophe: "Drift with me in starlit time / we'll rest in Machu Pichu, / with condor's eyes and serpent's scales, / count how long the spark has lived." The first time I read this I thought "we" were resting with condor's eyes and serpent's scales. And you're missing an "and" at least once (like in line 2). Sixth strophe: "Fables of a tower, high." ? The fables are high or the tower?
"His prayers answered when the world could bear the news." Were Copernicus' prayers answered or did his prayers answer the world? One is a subordinate clause and the other still doesn't make much sense. Punctuation needs a strong edit.
There are a lot of passive constructions in the poem, possibly because much of it is being watched. But some are too weak to stand, like the closing. "The stars will, evermore, be there" is extraordinarily weak. Where's "there," anyway. If I knew the stars were always going to "be there," any burning desire to rip the universe apart to find the truth is definitely going to be assuaged.
Lie with me on cool grass
The poem in parenthetical constructed, the first and last segment taking place on a grassy knoll somewhere in the near present. Other than a few evocative lines regarding a first person reference to watching the spark, "I" and "you" disappear. With these taken into account, the poem is not about a spark and it's not about the past, it's about the transmission of truth (or the desire to search for it) from one generation (or person) to the next. If this is the case, much of the poem is redundant and confusing. If this is not the case the beginning and end may be removed.
The parenthetical construction adds another layer to interpretation and I think that layer subtracts from the work put into the long middle. Clearly the poem has a narrator transmitting the information, and it would be easy to include a new ending where the spark comes alit in a modern child without the poem becoming a lecture. Just my thoughts.
Also, I'm guessing the "stream from Gaia's breasts" is the milky way, which is a nice image (and probably mythologically accurate) but doesn't make much sense nor add a time and place to where it appears. Also, there's a lot more sky than just that, which isn't even visible to all of the world.
The Spark
As a device this is great. Knowledge is always fire. In practice, it's metaphorically confusing. My understanding is that the "spark" is either actual truth or the search for it, in this case parallel with the sparkling stars and astronomy.
If that's the case:
Strophe 2: suggests that someone on earth possessed the truth and lost it to the sky in time immemorial.
Strophe 3: no astronomy at all, just the creation of a mathematics ? (which doesn't count as a step in progress since it never translated to the western world)
Strophe 4: astronomy perhaps in the prediction of floods (or the need to do so). The feather of truth?
Strophe 5, 6: no astronomy, new sparks are created? Where's our traveling spark? Spark is confusion? (Also, God is jealous of his domain, yet His sentinels get capitalized. Further also, if God god gets His pronoun capitalized I am led to believe that Hathor and Ra gods weren't really real even though they are presented in that context.)
Strophe 7: no spark, no science
Strophe 8: "finds a spark" (and again God god is real if his soul was in jeopardy, which would mean God god was wrong on this matter.)
Strophe 9: Galileo simultaneously grinds and polishes, which creates his own spark. If he didn't discover the truth, then what exactly *is* the truth?
Strophe 10: the truth is not astronomy as a science, but the fact that our souls sail along the milky way (perhaps as stars).
So: though the spark is your unifying thread, it's either poorly defined or there are more than one kind of spark. Is it the same spark or merely a kind of spark? If the latter, what are "we" following through the poem? What was lost in the beginning to the night sky? Further, some of your historic examples aren't don't line up with others. Are you illustrating the evolution of astronomy or man's desire to fit together his religion with the night sky?
The Music
Part of making a poem sing, for me, has always been making sure the notes are in tune. Otherwise what I read is dissonance and not music. That said, have you thought about adding meter? The grammar and vocabulary are complex enough that it wouldn't be too difficult:
the spark, your shining eye, confirms my no-
tion. Even though we lie on grass our souls
still sail along a stream of milk from Gaia's
breasts.
In Closing
I think the poem has a lot of potential as a whole and exhibits a lot of thought and work on individual pieces. Those two praises work against one another. What's more important? I very much look forward to reading the next version.
champagne1982
Dangerous Liaison
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2002
- Posts
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Hello T Henry,
I'm so sorry it has taken me all this time to reply, but, whew! You gave me a lot of meat to chew on. My energy hasn't been quite up to the response you deserve, but I know I have to respond.
Thankyou for detailing this piece. You're right about the tense changes, but the way the language is presented in the poem is, unfortunately, exactly the way people speak in my part of the world.
I wanted to keep the tone conversational, but I see I may have sacrificed clarity for informality. I'll work on that. This needs a lot of spoken work to finally succeed with it in meter and I'm trying to present. I do want you to lie down with me, on cool grass and hear my whispered story.
More later! Once again, thank you. This is a very valuable reference that I will refer to over and over as I work that poem.
I'm so sorry it has taken me all this time to reply, but, whew! You gave me a lot of meat to chew on. My energy hasn't been quite up to the response you deserve, but I know I have to respond.
Thankyou for detailing this piece. You're right about the tense changes, but the way the language is presented in the poem is, unfortunately, exactly the way people speak in my part of the world.
I wanted to keep the tone conversational, but I see I may have sacrificed clarity for informality. I'll work on that. This needs a lot of spoken work to finally succeed with it in meter and I'm trying to present. I do want you to lie down with me, on cool grass and hear my whispered story.
More later! Once again, thank you. This is a very valuable reference that I will refer to over and over as I work that poem.
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