Help a newbie?

[ThunderInked]

So I recently started seeing a girl who is into bdsm and is submissive.

I have done all the spanking and choking thing but I really want to exsplore it and just need tips on what I can do that makes her feel out of control but safe.

 

[John Blackhawk]

Well you could go with wrist and/or ankle restraints for her. Then do little teasing things to her body until she begs to orgasm.

 

[HisArpy]

THE very first thing you should be doing is talking to her. What does she need and want? How far should you go? What do you AND SHE expect? What are her limits? Can you recognize them without her telling you at the time? Aftercare?

The physical part is not the most important.

 

[RunningJib]

Its More Than Sex

So I recently started seeing a girl who is into bdsm and is submissive.

I have done all the spanking and choking thing but I really want to explore it and just need tips on what I can do that makes her feel out of control but safe.

There's a reason to why she's submissive. Consider the paradigm from a control context. She is willing to exchange control with someone that is wiling (and able) to demonstrate initiative and take control of the relationship.

For a quick example, consider "two words"

If you are serious, consider researching via Amazon

 

[DrDelirium]

THE very first thing you should be doing is talking to her. What does she need and want? How far should you go? What do you AND SHE expect? What are her limits? Can you recognize them without her telling you at the time? Aftercare?

The physical part is not the most important.

While you should certainly be talking to her, or signing to her in AMSLAN if that's what it takes, there's a certain contradiction in asking a submissive what she needs and wants. She's already told you, and if she's really much in the way of being submissive, that was probably outside her comfort zone. You have to be able to answer all the questions above, but simply asking her is possibly not the best way to gain the knowledge you need. If you are unable to read the way she responds to things, it's not safe to do very much. If you have to ask her permission to dominate her, she is not likely to find that a very satisfying situation. The point is for you to be assertive, in charge, focused on your own needs and desired (how it 'submitting' if you're just telling her do things she already knows she wants for herself?). And yet, you still have to be safe and responsible and make sure that what you do, or make her do, is ultimately in her best interest, because if you permanently fuck up some innocent little girl, you're going to hell, right? It's not an easy situation for the Dom, obviously.
I would suggest that you start with what YOU want, and require that she give it to you. In relatively small, bite-sized morsels, to begin with. That gives you a chance to learn to read her, and opens up more possibilities, and doing what YOU want is a pretty critical element of submitting to you, so it's authentic and not play acting. When you have a good read on her, you can explore specific kinks a lot more safely.

 

[HisArpy]

While you should certainly be talking to her, or signing to her in AMSLAN if that's what it takes, there's a certain contradiction in asking a submissive what she needs and wants. She's already told you, and if she's really much in the way of being submissive, that was probably outside her comfort zone. You have to be able to answer all the questions above, but simply asking her is possibly not the best way to gain the knowledge you need. If you are unable to read the way she responds to things, it's not safe to do very much. If you have to ask her permission to dominate her, she is not likely to find that a very satisfying situation. The point is for you to be assertive, in charge, focused on your own needs and desired (how it 'submitting' if you're just telling her do things she already knows she wants for herself?). And yet, you still have to be safe and responsible and make sure that what you do, or make her do, is ultimately in her best interest, because if you permanently fuck up some innocent little girl, you're going to hell, right? It's not an easy situation for the Dom, obviously.
I would suggest that you start with what YOU want, and require that she give it to you. In relatively small, bite-sized morsels, to begin with. That gives you a chance to learn to read her, and opens up more possibilities, and doing what YOU want is a pretty critical element of submitting to you, so it's authentic and not play acting. When you have a good read on her, you can explore specific kinks a lot more safely.

Seriously, no.

The submissive half of the pair is not a toy for the dominant half to play with and hope it doesn't break. Without input from the submissive the dominant has no idea what is desired beyond submission. The question is how the power is transferred to achieve that submission.

Can you image how fucked up a relationship could get if the D tried imposing mental restrictions leading to public humiliation on someone who only needed and desired hard physical restraint? How would the D know unless they discussed it in depth? How would the D know what the hard limits are without talking about it?

It's a conversation that never ends but the physical parts shouldn't begin until after the conversation starts. Once you get a mental sketch of the landscape, then you can try to expand and experiment within those boundaries, together.

The danger in what you said also lies in "starting with what YOU want" as you put it. What "YOU" want isn't necessarily what your partner wants. What they want is to submit. If you do what "YOU" want and force them in a direction they aren't prepared or comfortable with going, they aren't consenting. Or submitting. (Technically they do once they stop resisting, but that's not within the definition of BDSM).

It's a conversation. Verbally, physically, and emotionally. It's not very fulfilling when only one person talks and the other is only allowed to listen to white noise.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

While you should certainly be talking to her, or signing to her in AMSLAN if that's what it takes, there's a certain contradiction in asking a submissive what she needs and wants. She's already told you, and if she's really much in the way of being submissive, that was probably outside her comfort zone. You have to be able to answer all the questions above, but simply asking her is possibly not the best way to gain the knowledge you need. If you are unable to read the way she responds to things, it's not safe to do very much. If you have to ask her permission to dominate her, she is not likely to find that a very satisfying situation. The point is for you to be assertive, in charge, focused on your own needs and desired (how it 'submitting' if you're just telling her do things she already knows she wants for herself?). And yet, you still have to be safe and responsible and make sure that what you do, or make her do, is ultimately in her best interest, because if you permanently fuck up some innocent little girl, you're going to hell, right? It's not an easy situation for the Dom, obviously.
I would suggest that you start with what YOU want, and require that she give it to you. In relatively small, bite-sized morsels, to begin with. That gives you a chance to learn to read her, and opens up more possibilities, and doing what YOU want is a pretty critical element of submitting to you, so it's authentic and not play acting. When you have a good read on her, you can explore specific kinks a lot more safely.

No, nope, not at all.

Talking is essential and the submissive chooses to submit. She is not obligated to submit because she identifies as submissive. Without conversation, lots of conversation, about interests and limits, this will not end well.

To the OP: there is so much to learn about BDSM, but in the context of a relationship, remember that it's a relationship much like any other. Communication is key. Both of you will have interests and desires, and both of you will find there are things you never want to try. How much you may or may not be able to push her limits depends on you and her and your dynamic. Every relationship is different. Talk to her.

 

[DrDelirium]

Seriously, no.

The submissive half of the pair is not a toy for the dominant half to play with and hope it doesn't break. Without input from the submissive the dominant has no idea what is desired beyond submission. The question is how the power is transferred to achieve that submission.

Can you image how fucked up a relationship could get if the D tried imposing mental restrictions leading to public humiliation on someone who only needed and desired hard physical restraint? How would the D know unless they discussed it in depth? How would the D know what the hard limits are without talking about it?

It's a conversation that never ends but the physical parts shouldn't begin until after the conversation starts. Once you get a mental sketch of the landscape, then you can try to expand and experiment within those boundaries, together.

The danger in what you said also lies in "starting with what YOU want" as you put it. What "YOU" want isn't necessarily what your partner wants. What they want is to submit. If you do what "YOU" want and force them in a direction they aren't prepared or comfortable with going, they aren't consenting. Or submitting. (Technically they do once they stop resisting, but that's not within the definition of BDSM).

It's a conversation. Verbally, physically, and emotionally. It's not very fulfilling when only one person talks and the other is only allowed to listen to white noise.

It's a conversation, indeed. It's unkind to suggest that the OP has nothing to say but white noise. Again, if she is only doing what she tells him to tell her to do, it's play acting. I have nothing against play acting, but that didn't seem to be what the OP was asking about. It's quite possible that the OP just really isn't into being assertive, but will be happy submissively bossing his girlfriend around to her specifications, and perhaps that what she wants. It is also possible, however, that she wants him to actually dominate her, and to do that he must actually do it. It's not without risk, but nothing in relationships is. I'm not suggesting he cut off her tits or chain in the basement for a month- I'm suggesting that he assert himself. That would require him to assert himself. In my experience, quite a few people want this from a partner, but it's very difficult to 'negotiate' the details and find the overall situation convincing. If he can't assert his own needs and desires into the situation, he's not dominating anything- and it might be good for all concerned if he acknowledged that and moved on. Unless, of course, the two of them are stranded on a distant planet with no hope of finding more compatible partners. In which case, good luck to them.

 

[BiBunny]

The trick is not to ask what she wants, but what she fantasizes about and how much of what she fantasizes about she'd like to try in real life. Then, the OP can take what they like from that information and roll with it.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

First off...welcome to Lit. It's gonna be fun...maybe a little crazy, but still fun. Being new to BDSM can be exciting and a little intimidating at the same time. It's good that you seek information. Don't just stop at asking advice though. Check out other sites, read up on it, do your research...hell, even read some of the erotic stories. Find the things that turn you on and start there.

A couple of things to note. You're going to get a range of opinions here. Most of them valid in their own way. Here's the thing though...I can tell you all the things I like as a sub. Others can tell you how they like to dominate their subs. None of us are you and your girlfriend. Those things might not apply at all to your situation.

Most people will tell you communication is the key. I think that is true in the aspect of an initial discussion about likes, dislikes, and limits. Then as a continuing 'check in' that everything is good, needs are being met, and there aren't any complaints. That doesn't mean you have to discuss everything to death. To me, too much talking about it can be a downer. As impossible as it sounds, I kinda do want my Dom to be a mind reader. That doesn't mean he always gets it right...but he knows me well enough to know when he doesn't and adjusts accordingly while still being in charge. That takes time, practice, and effort in 'knowing' your partner.

From your opening intro, it sounds as if your gf already has experience in BDSM. I'm assuming you've already discussed the kinds of things she's into...spankings and choking that you've already tried... bondage/restraints? Toys/tools? Fetishes? It can range from simply being controlled and following orders to much more elaborate play. Start slow. Learn each other. Don't rush...there's plenty of thinges to try.

All that being said, I probably haven't told you anything you didn't already know. Most of it is common sense, but still good things to keep in mind. I think the advice given by DrD was pretty accurate and good advice if understood correctly. I don't think he was saying to neglect or disregard her needs or wants and just inflict your own desires on her...just start with the things you like (that she might also like) and learn to gauge her reactions so you can effectively lead her where she wants to go.

Now, if you were just looking for suggestions you could pick and choose from rather than advice or a lecture, here are some basic ideas: plan out different scenes/set the stage for what you want to do. Come up with basic rules you'd like her to follow (being naked when she enters the room, kneeling, undressing you, addressing you in a particular way...whatever you like). Basic commands. Restraints...scarves, ties, store bought cuffs, rope (once you've learned how to use it safely). Teasing with hands, toys, ice. Making her beg for what she wants. Asking permission to cum. Blindfolds. Impact play...spanking with hands, ruler, hairbrush, paddle, belt, flogger, crop, whip...in different positions - over the knee, bending over furniture, standing, while tied to the bed. Maybe a collar and leash, crawling. Oral training/cock worship. Anal training/butt plugs. Is that enough to start out with? Pick and choose. Do the things you like, add your own. Mix things up to keep it interesting. And be confident in what you're doing. And one last time...DON'T RUSH.

Have fun!

 

[SissySalina]

So I recently started seeing a girl who is into bdsm and is submissive.

I have done all the spanking and choking thing but I really want to exsplore it and just need tips on what I can do that makes her feel out of control but safe.

If a sissy may, a sissy is a submissive, and for this sissy the word is "TRUST".
sissy loves HER and knows She is the best thing that ever happen to sissy and therefore sissy will do anything She wants sissy to do.
This starts with "TRUST", communication is important but it is not just words it also includes actions. Do you trust her?
You refer to the "spanking and choking thing" to a submissive it is not a "thing" but a need.
The Dom is there to lead and guide the sub and that only happens with trust between the two.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

If a sissy may, a sissy is a submissive, and for this sissy the word is "TRUST".
sissy loves HER and knows She is the best thing that ever happen to sissy and therefore sissy will do anything She wants sissy to do.
This starts with "TRUST", communication is important but it is not just words it also includes actions. Do you trust her?
You refer to the "spanking and choking thing" to a submissive it is not a "thing" but a need.
The Dom is there to lead and guide the sub and that only happens with trust between the two.

I agree with nearly everything you've said here. Trust is paramount.

I only caution about the statement that "to a submissive it is a need." We subs are not all the same, and that need is different. I have a couple friends who NEED pain. I do not. I avoid it at all costs. I have talked with subs who crave punishment. Not me, again, that is to be avoided at all costs. I crave making my PYL happy, meeting his needs, and being of service, which does mean I have allowed my PYL to do things outside of my comfort zone. I didn't need the action, though. I wanted his response.


To the OP:
PYL/pyl= pick your label (caps for dom types, lower case for sub types)