hello poets!

[BlueskyBeauty]

hello, would anyone care to offer advice on a 1st submission? a friend suggested i put it here and hopefully get some feedback.
anyone care to help a nervous poet out?

thanks!



orgasmic thunder
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
thunder canyon echoes,
reaching ears
delighting in the storm.

senses stir,
arousing other senses.

lips quiver,
waiting your arrival,
begging for the nectar
that quenches desert
thirst.

eyes absorbing,
enchanting morning petals
still glistening with sprinkles
of thunder's windless rest.

another storm
still rising in the air.

watered flower's scent,
enhancing fragrance,
bring fevered lustful
shivers.

eyes closing
lips touch fresh silk
with reverence,

ahhh, the cleansing,
as rains of thunder canyon,
wash again
the numb of yearning senses.

 

[WickedEve]

Hi

I like the phrase thunder canyon.
Anyway, I'd love to leave more feedback for you, but I'm short on time right now. I just wanted to say hi. I'll try to read this again later and comment. Until then, I'm sure you'll receive lots of useful suggestions.

 

[fawnie]

hmmmm?

well if i were you.. i'd get rid of that last "senses" before eve comes back..she would think it too repetitious.

also, welcome to literotica! i hope you find your stay here pleasant and rewarding!

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

what's another way of saying senses?

someone help me out here please???

 

[Miss Oatlash]

what's another way of saying senses?

someone help me out here please???

Feelings stir,
arousing other senses.



hello again...

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

orgasmic thunder
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
thunder canyon echoes,
reaching ears
delighting in the storm.

senses stir,
arousing other senses.

lips quiver,
waiting your arrival,
begging for the nectar
that quenches desert
thirst.

eyes absorbing,
enchanting morning petals
still glistening with sprinkles
of thunder's windless rest.

another storm
still rising in the air.

watered flower's scent,
enhancing fragrance,
bring fevered lustful
shivers.

eyes closing
lips touch fresh silk
with reverence,

ahhh, the cleansing,
as rains of thunder canyon,
wash again the numb,
awakening
titillating conscience.
-------------------------------

any better??

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

Feelings stir,
arousing other senses.



hello again...

hello Miss 0atlash

actually, i want to keep that line like it is, the rest of the poem is descriptive of that very line so i feel like i can get away with it.

the last stanza is the senses i wanted to change

what do you think? any better now?

 

[Miss Oatlash]

hello Miss 0atlash

actually, i want to keep that line like it is, the rest of the poem is descriptive of that very line so i feel like i can get away with it.

the last stanza is the senses i wanted to change

what do you think? any better now?

Honestly? I liked the last stanza better in the first version. But I don't have any better ideas....guess my brain is too fried tonight!

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

Honestly? I liked the last stanza better in the first version. But I don't have any better ideas....guess my brain is too fried tonight!

i liked the 1st one better too i think, but titilating is i think the perfect word here.

my brains cooked too i guess!

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

orgasmic thunder
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
thunder canyon echoes,
reaching ears
delighting in the storm.

senses stir,
arousing other senses.

lips quiver,
waiting your arrival,
begging for the nectar
that quenches desert
thirst.

eyes absorbing,
enchanting morning petals
still glistening with sprinkles
of thunder's windless rest.

another storm
still rising,
howling whispers.

watered flower's scent,
hypnotic fragrance,
bring fevered lustful
shivers.

eyes closing
lips touch fresh silk
with reverence,

ahhh, the cleansing,
as rains of thunder canyon,
wash again the numb,
awakening
titillating conscience.

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

orgasmic rains
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
thunder canyon echoes,
reaching ears
delighting in the storm.

senses stir,
arousing other senses.

lips quiver,
waiting your arrival,
begging for the nectar
that quenches desert
thirst.

eyes absorbing,
enchanting morning petals
still glistening with sprinkles
of thunder's windless rest.

another storm
still rising,
howling whispers.

watered flower's scent,
hypnotic fragrance,
bring fevered lustful
shivers.

eyes closing
lips touch fresh silk
with reverence,

ahhh, the cleansing,
as rains of thunder canyon,
wash again the numb,
awakening titillating
yearnings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ok, i think i'm done unless there's someone around here that can offer any suggestions?

 

[The Mutt]

orgasmic rains
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
thunder canyon echoes,
reaching ears
delighting in the storm.

senses stir,
arousing other senses.

lips quiver,
waiting your arrival,
begging for the nectar
that quenches desert
thirst.

eyes absorbing,
enchanting morning petals
still glistening with sprinkles
of thunder's windless rest.

another storm
still rising,
howling whispers.

watered flower's scent,
hypnotic fragrance,
bring fevered lustful
shivers.

eyes closing
lips touch fresh silk
with reverence,

ahhh, the cleansing,
as rains of thunder canyon,
wash again the numb,
awakening titillating
yearnings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ok, i think i'm done unless there's someone around here that can offer any suggestions?

wash again the numb,
awakening
titillating
consciousness.


Why is it I hate to rewrite my own stuff, but I can't resist putting my big hands all over somebody else's?
I really like the poem. It has long been a fantasy of mine to make love in a field during a thunderstorm, tempting the lightning.