hello all...
- Thread starter ladymyst
- Start date
The link
I'll try and comment on this later when I get a moment free. Here's the link in case anyone else cares to take a look:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=52335
I'll try and comment on this later when I get a moment free. Here's the link in case anyone else cares to take a look:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=52335
Axeltheswede
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2002
- Posts
- 555
feedback
I have to say I debated with myself for a while before deciding to post feedback on your story. I really think your story posting illustrates some issues that should be addressed.
First, it really isn't a story. Traditionally, a short story involves establishing conflict, exploring that conflict, and some kind of resolution. What you have, I can only describe as a vignette or a snapshot of an erotic encounter. Who are these people? Why are they having sex? Why should I care?
You didn't supply any context or character development to help answer those questions. Take solace in the fact that you aren't alone. New writers come to this BB all the time, seeking some acknowledgement for their work. Many wonder why they don't get many reads and low scores. The answer is simple. You didn't tell a story.
On a technical level, you did fine. The only off note was your use of "his arousal" to describe his cock. When you use a euphemism like that it just appears you are afraid of the word "cock".
I suppose I will get some replies below telling me I an just being nasty to a new writer. I can only say, that isn't my intention. I would like to see new writers do well. I do some one-on-one editing as proof of that. I just thought it was time the truth was told.
I have to say I debated with myself for a while before deciding to post feedback on your story. I really think your story posting illustrates some issues that should be addressed.
First, it really isn't a story. Traditionally, a short story involves establishing conflict, exploring that conflict, and some kind of resolution. What you have, I can only describe as a vignette or a snapshot of an erotic encounter. Who are these people? Why are they having sex? Why should I care?
You didn't supply any context or character development to help answer those questions. Take solace in the fact that you aren't alone. New writers come to this BB all the time, seeking some acknowledgement for their work. Many wonder why they don't get many reads and low scores. The answer is simple. You didn't tell a story.
On a technical level, you did fine. The only off note was your use of "his arousal" to describe his cock. When you use a euphemism like that it just appears you are afraid of the word "cock".
I suppose I will get some replies below telling me I an just being nasty to a new writer. I can only say, that isn't my intention. I would like to see new writers do well. I do some one-on-one editing as proof of that. I just thought it was time the truth was told.
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
ditto
ladymist,
Axeltheswede is right, this isn't a story. It's a sex scene, a vignette. There's nothing wrong with writing vignettes. Lots of folks do that on this board. A good vignette however, must still, IMHO, make the reader care about the character's and the action.
The main problem with your vignette is that it focuses so closely on the two lovers, all perspective is lost. The reader never learns anything about the lovers or the setting although it appears they're role-playing and into a long-term relationshiop.
Technically, you're better than a lot of first time posters, but need to hang around here and work on your mechanics. For instance, every time a different characters speaks, no matter how few words, there should be a new paragraph. And the following sentence, IMHO, is incomplete. "Seats himself and puts his arms around her waist."
What you've written isn't bad, but to paraphrase Gerty Stein, there's just no there, there. You might check out Pearl Pyrnne's "Lucky Horse Shoes" at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51274 for a first post that has been getting both high praise and votes. Most of all, keep writing, post often, and try your hand at writing critiques (that's what this is and writing them will help your writing almost as much as getting them.)
Rumple Foreskin
ladymist,
Axeltheswede is right, this isn't a story. It's a sex scene, a vignette. There's nothing wrong with writing vignettes. Lots of folks do that on this board. A good vignette however, must still, IMHO, make the reader care about the character's and the action.
The main problem with your vignette is that it focuses so closely on the two lovers, all perspective is lost. The reader never learns anything about the lovers or the setting although it appears they're role-playing and into a long-term relationshiop.
Technically, you're better than a lot of first time posters, but need to hang around here and work on your mechanics. For instance, every time a different characters speaks, no matter how few words, there should be a new paragraph. And the following sentence, IMHO, is incomplete. "Seats himself and puts his arms around her waist."
What you've written isn't bad, but to paraphrase Gerty Stein, there's just no there, there. You might check out Pearl Pyrnne's "Lucky Horse Shoes" at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51274 for a first post that has been getting both high praise and votes. Most of all, keep writing, post often, and try your hand at writing critiques (that's what this is and writing them will help your writing almost as much as getting them.)
Rumple Foreskin
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