Heavy Lifting Poem by: WickedEve, perky_baby, Dillinger

[Unmasked Poet]

Irony: The Heavy Element -
Submitted by WickedEve (Non-Erotic Poetry) 01/19/02


Heavy Retribution -
Submitted byperky_baby (Erotic Poetry) 01/19/02


Heavy Silence -
Submitted by Dillinger(Non-Erotic Poetry) 01/19/02

 

[WickedEve]

Perky: Sassy Wench!

I'm not sure what kind of reviews it will receive, but I really like it. I could picture that sassy wench in your poem.

 

[SA Storm]

.

 

[Ded Poet]

'Irony: The Heavy Element' by WickedEve:

Nicely executed--great control of meter and rhyme. I really liked this one! I smiled.

'Heavy Retribution' by perky_baby:
Wow! Staggering away with heavy gratitude. The use of old English works to great effect in this one.

 

[Cyberguy]

Irony: The Heavy Element

My dearest Mr. Hyde,
I simply can't abide
our curious courtship any longer.

From the first stanza, I knew this one was going to be witty and fun. I did thoroughly enjoy it, but I could use some education on the form used.

On first read, I found the third line of each stanza jarring in contrast with the smooth rhythm and rhyme of the first two lines. Reading it again, extending the pause after the end of each second line seemed to help.

I still struggled on the second line of the next to last stanza:

So, I shall listen to my mother,
and sworn-bachelor brother,
and marry the good, gentle doctor.

I felt like there needed to be another syllable between "and" and "sworn."

Very creative, and nice irony!

 

[Cyberguy]

Heavy Retribution

This review would be WOW!

The message here is clear and eloquent, despite the use of old English. I think Shakespeare would be jealous!

 

[WickedEve]

Cyberguy

Originally the line was: and my sworn-bachelor brother. In those last seconds before submitting, I had an editing fit! I took out the "my" for some silly reason.

Actually, I made a few changes. Here's the original:

My dearest Mr. Hyde,
I simply can't abide
to continue our courtship any longer.

You bring me chocolate sweets,
then prowl through city streets.
A puzzling behavior indeed.

Your mood swings are ferocious,
and your actions quite atrocious.
I find myself wondering who you are.

So, I shall listen to my mother,
and my sworn-bachelor brother,
and wed a sensible doctor.

I will marry him with pride,
for no secrets does he hide.
Responsible, dependable, Dr. Jekyll.

 

[TheDR4KE]

perky

Brilliant poem. Last I saw it was #2 on the top list...

So, UP ... what's the trophy for second price? ;-)

Drake

 

[Vailyn]

Feedback

Irony: the Heavy Element

The poem is cute. I agree that it has a very heavy element of irony. My response to it very lacking. A more consistant rythum might help improve the poem. Perhaps if you had every 3rd line of each stanza rhyme with one another? I am sorry to say I don't have anything truly constructive to give as feedback. :<

Heavy Retribution

A steady cadence would help make the poem more archaic. Since you are using thou, ye and etc in the poem, making the poem a bit more formal in technique may help the overall feeling of being "old". The retribution spoken of in the end is shaky. That doesn't affect "him" as much as it does her. It will be her who has to deal with that situation. Afterall, only the women are the ones stuck with the bread in the oven for NINE long months. This one is rather depressing. Or could it be about self-hatred? Mockingly sarcastic against oneself? I could go with that.

Heavy Silence

This poem is thought provoking in its way and something I read more than once because there was just so much mental chatter tossed together in one great big old pile. But only by stretching a few lines towards the beginning of the poem, can I say this poem meet the guideline of writing a poem about breaking up. This poem is more about a person creating a dream world to live in and falling flat on their face when that world breaks at the seams. Self-delusionment. Confusion. Self pity and the general visual of someone sitting down with slumped shoulders just asking out loud, "Why? Why? What did I do?"

 

[perks]

Re: Feedback

Firstly, let me thank everyone for the feedback of my heavy poem.

Heavy Retribution

A steady cadence would help make the poem more archaic. Since you are using thou, ye and etc in the poem, making the poem a bit more formal in technique may help the overall feeling of being "old". The retribution spoken of in the end is shaky. That doesn't affect "him" as much as it does her. It will be her who has to deal with that situation. Afterall, only the women are the ones stuck with the bread in the oven for NINE long months. This one is rather depressing. Or could it be about self-hatred? Mockingly sarcastic against oneself? I could go with that.

QUOTE]

<smile>...now I get to defend.....

I wonder how you could not feel the cadence of this poem. It is heated, building..incredulous at first, remembering...and then a sneering acceptance, finished with a curse, by Fate personified.

I said this poem allowed, read it, screamed it until the words flowed from my tongue in the cadence I wanted. Are you suggesting a rhyme structure for the flow of the poem? Not all archaic poetry was structured in this manner. thank god. I did not want the poem to be old or archaic. I wanted to be able to use timeless language. The language is classic as is the style, the situation, timeless.

The retribution speaks of a father having to deal with the possibility of some rakehell treating his daughter as he has treated the mother. Yes the obvious is that she will have to deal with a child, go a bit deeper. She's talking to him. It's about his part, not about hers. The point was to make him think about his part, his retribution, not hers. She knows hers. This poem isn't about her. It's about getting him to recognize.

<smile> I do appreciate your critique. I wish you'd explained more about what you meant by structure. I am still learning and am open to more schooling in the art of writing poetry.

perky

 

[WickedEve]

a couple questions for Vailyn

Irony: The Heavy Element

I must admit that the difference in opinion does make it a little difficult for an inexperienced poet to learn, but I'm still grateful for the feedback.

Ded Poet: "great control of meter and rhyme."

Vailyn: "A more consistant rythum might help improve the poem."

Cyberguy: "third line of each stanza jarring in contrast with the smooth rhythm and rhyme of the first two lines"

Vailyn, I didn't understand this: "My response to it [is] very lacking." Do you mean that your is response is lacking, or your response to my poem is that my poem is lacking? If the poem is lacking, what is it lacking, besides, in your opinion, rhythm?
And this: "I am sorry to say I don't have anything truly constructive to give as feedback" You gave feedback, but do you feel it wasn't constructive, or is the poem so bad, in your opinion, that you can't find truly constructive feedback to give?

Thanks

 

[WickedEve]

Heavy Retribution

Originally posted by Vailyn

This one is rather depressing. Or could it be about self-hatred? Mockingly sarcastic against oneself?

I loved this poem. I had a big smile on my face by the time I finished it. I didn't find it depressing. But it is very interesting how different readers perceive the same poem.

 

[Vailyn]

<grins> Yeah, Im throwin myself into the pot with the rest of ya guys. I'm learning to! And if I know anything, its that I do not do well with poetry structure. If that makes sense. Like followin lines for a sonnet or whatnot. I don't like to think about it. I just write in a way that I want to express and then hope for some constructive response to make it better.

Vailyn, I didn't understand this: "My response to it [is] very lacking." Do you mean that your is response is lacking, or your response to my poem is that my poem is lacking? If the poem is lacking, what is it lacking, besides, in your opinion, rhythm?
And this: "I am sorry to say I don't have anything truly constructive to give as feedback" You gave feedback, but do you feel it wasn't constructive, or is the poem so bad, in your opinion, that you can't find truly constructive feedback to give?

No no! Don't misunderstand. It was my personal response that was lacking. Not the poem itself being lacking. I give my feedback on how the poem makes me feel. So it just didn't strike a chord with me. Goes with the whole different reactions by different people. The second part! LOL! I knew what I would liked to have seen more of in the poem but had not the words to express it clearly. About the rhythum that is. That is why it wasn't constructive. It's like:

"Hey, I think there's something wrong."

"Oh yeah? So what's the problem?"

Scratches head. "Er... I don't know. There's just something wrong."

And it could be completely FINE!

Sorry I was so unhelpful!

 

[Vailyn]

Perky

The poem's visuals were loud and clear. You couldn't not know what it was about. It was very in your face. I'm prolly wrong to use rhythum when I should have said tone? Hey, I'm completely new to this kind of feed back and like I said poetry technicalities are not my strengths. I read several old books from the days when mistresses were part of the "noble's" norm. And I love to hear the words thy, tho, and ye being used. I guess it was jarring to see the words, like them and yet not have the voice in my mind have the accenting of those days at the same time.

Oh! Here. You know the redone version of Romeo and Juilet w/ that guy from Titantic in it? I won't see the movie to the end because I don't like how they placed such dear familiar words into the mouths of those in modern day settng. It doesn't fit. So, its like seeing the words of old being spoken in a modern environment and that made the poem off to me.

As for my response on the retribution. This is how I picture it in my mind. Here's this woman who has this relationship or affair with this man. He leaves for whatever reason. She's pregnant and will have a girl child. And because of the tone of the poem, I'm thinking that those two will not have contact in the future. Even if he learns he has a child, that doesn't mean he has to react to it. Oh? I have a kid? Okay. Then goes on with his life. I can't think of it as retribution when the person who should be suffering doesn't. If you don't care, it doesn't matter. If it's not part of your life, then its like reading the death of a stranger. It has to touch him. Make him feel, think, respond and there is none of that in the poem. No idea of how it would be except the relationship has ended. Poem makes me think he's just a jerk and as such he will not give a damn about the baby. What is fitting retribution when he doesn't even care?

 

[perks]

Re: Perky

The poem's visuals were loud and clear. You couldn't not know what it was about. It was very in your face. I'm prolly wrong to use rhythum when I should have said tone? Hey, I'm completely new to this kind of feed back and like I said poetry technicalities are not my strengths. I read several old books from the days when mistresses were part of the "noble's" norm. And I love to hear the words thy, tho, and ye being used. I guess it was jarring to see the words, like them and yet not have the voice in my mind have the accenting of those days at the same time.

Understandable. It's not that it doesn't work, it's that you couldn't get into it and it doesn't work for you. You have issue with my voice. That is completely acceptable. I have issue with cliche and forced rhyme<which doesn't mean I haven't used it> It just means it annoys and frustrates the hell outta me.

As for my response on the retribution. This is how I picture it in my mind. Here's this woman who has this relationship or affair with this man. He leaves for whatever reason. She's pregnant and will have a girl child. And because of the tone of the poem, I'm thinking that those two will not have contact in the future. Even if he learns he has a child, that doesn't mean he has to react to it. Oh? I have a kid? Okay. Then goes on with his life. I can't think of it as retribution when the person who should be suffering doesn't. If you don't care, it doesn't matter. If it's not part of your life, then its like reading the death of a stranger. It has to touch him. Make him feel, think, respond and there is none of that in the poem. No idea of how it would be except the relationship has ended. Poem makes me think he's just a jerk and as such he will not give a damn about the baby. What is fitting retribution when he doesn't even care?

this part I'll have to disagree with you. Of course you can look at it from only this perspective it is the obvious one. You can also see that the woman is grasping. She highly volatile, emotional and pretty much holding onto the only thing that she can, to try to bring this guy down with her. Oh....so you think you can fuck and run....ruin me, a woman...well now your flesh and blood has the possibility of being treated the same way. I understand this isn't the only retribution being meted out by Fate, but it's the one that she can throw at him. This is their fight. The time when they say things to hurt and cause pain. It is not over for them. I didn't make that apparent, true. It isn't always apparent when you're in the middle of things either.

PS...it's also a sister poem to The Whore's Lament. These characters have a history. It's is in the same voice, so don't read it if you don't like it.

I'm appreciating your feedback. Keep on. I'm all about honing my skill and my voice.

 

[WickedEve]

Vailyn I understand

At this point, the only feedback I can offer other poets is to tell them how their poem made me feel. And I think that can be valuable feedback.

 

[Vailyn]

Perky

<grins> Maybe I'll like the first one better! Ya nevah know. I'll go look at it and see. Never hurts to take in new things. Good for the soul.

 

[daughter]

Heavy Retribution

perky--

I love your old English. The images and tone are great. Your insistence on peppering your work with language that is inconsistent irks me. "Fuck" and "cum" are like a SUV in a 50's movie. Ick.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[daughter]

Irony: The Heavy Element

Wicked Eve--

I enjoyed the pace and irony. I'm thinking your original word choices are better, but that's the beauty of revision.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[WickedEve]

daughter

I think I will submit the original version, tonight.
Now let's move on to something else. Where did you get that AV? I love it. It makes you more... approachable. Of course, it's not tasteful like my stripping cartoon vixen.

 

[Cyberguy]

follow-ups

WickedEve:

I am even more amateur at reading poetry than I am at writing it. It sounds like many of us here are, so perhaps that explains the inconsistency in the responses.

One of the 'Heavy' poems on here used a particular form that involved repeating the same line over and over, so I was wondering if yours followed a specific form that entailed rhyming the first two lines, and if there was a way in which it was to be read. I did find that pausing longer between the second and third lines helped.

I agree with daughter, I like the first version better. I found the irony a little stronger at the end when it is "a doctor" instead of "the (good, gentle) doctor."

perky_baby:

I like the line Staining my lips with thy cum, even if "cum" isn't old English. I did have the same response as Vailyn on the daughter issue: you have painted him as such a cad I can't imagine it mattering to him.

about the av's:

daughter: if yours is not you, it seems very much to be you - love the contemplative look

WickedEve: Absolutely love your "stripping cartoon vixen," very cool!

perky_baby: I always enjoy looking at your posts

 

[alice]

inconsistency

Cyberguy--

Maybe the inconsistency is simply a reflection of you all's tastes. Different things matter to readers.

alice

 

[perks]

perky_baby:

I like the line Staining my lips with thy cum, even if "cum" isn't old English. I did have the same response as Vailyn on the daughter issue: you have painted him as such a cad I can't imagine it mattering to him.

pbbbbblttt!!!!!!!!. <grin>

you guys are killing me! <sigh>

Haven't you ever yelled at someone who didn't care because you were venting, and you grasped onto *anything* to throw in their face? I know I have. <obviously>

I will take your point.....as made by so many of you<grin>....and I will keep it in mind for the future.

as for my avatar,

Kiss my AV!!!

perky

 

[Vailyn]

Perky

LOL!!! Thanks but no thanks, ya know, I just get turned on by men! LOL!!!

I know I know, when you're mad, you'll say whatever. But I guess that just didn't come across in the poem. Heheh! Might make a good short story tho!

 

[perks]

Re: Perky

LOL!!! Thanks but no thanks, ya know, I just get turned on by men! LOL!!!

I know I know, when you're mad, you'll say whatever. But I guess that just didn't come across in the poem. Heheh! Might make a good short story tho!

I shall endeavor to do better. And, Damn, my poetry is lots better than my stories, makes me scared to even try to go there.

argh!!!