Heavy Lifting Poem by: Savage Kitten, smithpeter, WickedEve

[Unmasked Poet]

Heavy Hitter -
Submitted by Savage Kitten(Non-Erotic Poetry) 01/19/02


She Weighed Much, She's Heavy -
Submitted by smithpeter (Non-Erotic Poetry) 01/18/02


The Tree Bears Heavy Fruit -
Submitted by WickedEve (Non-Erotic Poetry) 01/19/02

 

[smithpeter]

What a trip

The Tree Bears Heavy Fruit
By WickedEve

Where did she go indeed,
Into a tree of dark light,
A bad hair day?

Sometimes there are poems of things only dreamt of.
Other times the things that happen.
Something tells me that Eve has some scratches on her lovely knees.
Perhaps a cherished bruise on her hip.

 

[WickedEve]

sp

Recently you told me about a dream you'd like to have. Maybe, instead, you can dream about Eve in the garden. You can be the tree.

 

[SA Storm]

.

 

[WickedEve]

She Weighed Much, She's Heavy

Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater (or whatever it is the delights your taste buds) you're something else!

 

[SA Storm]

[No message]

 

[Savage Kitten]

Re: Savage Kitten

I loved the boxing metaphor, not a fan of the first stanza but the rest was a knockout.

SA

I think I quoted the man wrong, didn't i? I was thinkin about it at work today and I think it's suppose to be "float like a butterfly" haha

 

[daughter]

Heavy Hitter

SK--

I agree with SA. It isn't miss-quoting that I disliked. It is that you give too much weight to the boxer in your opening. You're hitting us over the head with the analogy. We know the famous lines. You need some heavy lines of your own to balance it out.

I like the rhyme and tone. I think you could have pulled of the boxing analogy without referring to Ali. You have some quick and funny moves without the legend.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[daughter]

The Tree Bears Heavy Fruit

Wicked--

I see some interesting play on the images, but I think this would have been more interesting if the analogy had been subtlely played upon. I didn't care for the rhyme. I thought the circumstances were darker and not served well by the lighter tone that rhyme often invokes.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[WickedEve]

daughter

First, thanks for taking time to comment.

daughter, this poem does need to be more polished. I rushed it out a bit too quickly last night. But I disagree about the rhyme! It doesn't take away from the "darkness" of the poem. Actually, it's not a dark poem... well, not extremely dark. God is concerned about where Eve is. Adam doesn't really care one way or the other. And Eve is having one hell of a time! lol

There's really no analogy to play down. This really is about God, Satan, Adam, and Eve! And it's about the Tree! If you want to see the tree as representing the devil's dick or someone's dick, then by all means do so. LOL

It is a simple, straightforward poem, in my opinion. I wrote it, so I should know. (fingers crossed)

 

[daughter]

right in front of my face

Wicked--

You know I was thinking about a relationship between man and woman. Not Man and God. Evil is dark to me. That's not to say we can't laugh or treat doom with a light touch. I saw the circumstances as serious.

Hey, who says the reader never misses the mark? Clearly, I just did.

Peace,

daughter

 

[WickedEve]

daughter

I just went back and read it again. I was afraid that I over-looked a bunch of analogies!
You just got me all riled up accusing me of analogizing when I wasn't!

 

[Vailyn]

Feedback

LOL! Man, sometimes I'm waaaaaaaaaay too literal and go off half-cocked. Hehe.. I can get away with short feedback~ Duh!

Heavy Hitter

I thought the comparsion of love to boxing was humorous but it felt off to me for some reason. When I figure out why, I'll let you know. =) I agree w/ daughter, you did well with ryhme and tone.

Personally, the beginning made me have a short flashback to my childhood. I remember saying short little ryhmes like that. Reading fairytale poetry from children's books. So it was odd to go from that into the action of boxing itself. Awkward transfer there.

Overall, the poem seems frivolous and light. And whoever it is, gave up too soon! LOL! Only fought once and died in the second. Hehe!

She Weighed Much, She's Heavy

Overall, the poem is awkward. The words do not fit well with one another. But! I like it cuz it made me laugh. <still chuckling> And thanks! I learned a new word today. I'll most likely forget it by next month, but I know it for now. Had NO idea what "creosote" was.

You gave a new meaning to "going over the edge"! <laffin>

The Tree Bears Heavy Fruit

Nice! A good story. The poem was really good, but I think it started to get a bit disjointed around the 6th stanza. When you kept your individual lines short and neat, the poem has an almost seamless flow to it that just poured sweetly into my ear. It seems as if you rushed to tell the full story halfway through the poem. Kinda like when your listening to a tape and suddenly decide to fast forward it to the next part so you hear the chipmunks. =)

I like the meaning behind the poem. He wanted Adam to be happy despite the sadness Eve has cause them both. Hm, could it have been rushed to also hint at where the main point of view was coming from? Nice, if you do a revision, would love to see it!


Yeah! I got finished w/ this feedback sooooooo much faster. LoL!!! Gotta stop being so literal sometimes. Heh

 

[Whispersecret]

Heavy Hitter by Savage Kitten

I don't know, SK. This one just didn't speak to me. I'm not a fan of boxing, so that must be it. Also, the rhythm wasn't there for me consistently, but I'm admittedly a stickler for keeping the beat if you go to the trouble of establishing it.

For instance, "Coaches in my corner, /All relative with advice. /"Three way hook should do it!" /The truth would have sufficed." Second line has one too many syllables. Same thing with the very last line.

Still, the light tone was enjoyable. Nice to see the subject matter treated with some humor.

She Weighed Much, She's Heavy by smithpeter

I loved this poem. Loved the first surprise, her crass, horrid words to him. Loved the second surprise of him flinging her off the edge. Loved the Disney reference, the repetition of the word stupid, which perfectly illustrated that state of mind where you're so angry that you can't even compose a sentence. And finally, was thankful she didn't die and laughing that she was still kicking and screaming as she floated with the current.

The Tree Bears Heavy Fruit by Wicked Eve

Let me first say, I'm not a big fan of the aabb pattern. I don't feel this was up to your usual deft use of rhyme, Wicked Eve, and I am a fan of your stuff.

You were inconsistent with your capitalization of "He" in the third stanza.

The rhythm was off a bit in places. Some lines had three beats, some four, and this one ("Eve writhing naked in that dead tree.") had six or even seven, depending on how you stress the accents. There didn't seem to be a dependable pattern, which probably only bothers me.

I think you omitted a word by mistake in the last stanza.

That said, I do have to say I think that the idea of this, the "first breakup" was great. Such a unique path to take from such a common subject.