Heavy Lifting Poem by: alltherage, Ded Poet

[Unmasked Poet]

heavy waiting -
Submitted byalltherage (Erotic Poetry) 01/19/02


Sonnet for a Heavy Head -
Submitted byDed Poet (Non-Erotic Poetry) 01/19/02

 

[SA Storm]

.

 

[Ded Poet]

'Heavy Waiting' by alltherage:

A powerful piece of work. The impact came slowly, until I was sucked into the vortex of 'the part of me that seeks oblivion.'

In stanza three, the lines 'I see her face/ Doer,
angry, cold' are a bit confusing to me. Was 'doer' supposed to be 'dower'?

Highest marks for this one.

 

[Vailyn]

Feedback

Heavy Waiting

I like this poem. However, it needs some structural changes made to make it of an impact.

Like here:

The last day came
Went
Not an event
No record kept
No farewell, no platitudes
A thief’s exit
Silent

Well used words where one world holds a well of information. Using that kind of format throughout the poem would make it stronger.

The emotions you try to envoke are strong. Passion. Desire. Broken dreams. Confusion. Loss. Nothingness. So, make it equally strong and stand out on its own in the poem.



Heavy Head

I know this is suppose to be a sonnet, but the only thing to my untrained eye that makes this poem a sonnet is the number of lines in it.......... er, smack me if I said something stupid! <ducks>

I like the part bout Promethius. Always a sucker for certain Myths. <grins> This is a poem full of almost visuals. Just as I'm about to get a picture a unwanted word or expression is made and I lose the picture. Maybe you should give up the sonnet idea and just make the poem longer and more fully expressed. It wants it, can't you tell it wants it?

 

[daughter]

Heavy waiting

alltherage--

I liked the scenes and your approach. The punctuation gave me some trouble and confused the POV in some places. How about italics to indicate dialogue? Less intrusive than quotation marks and helps to distinguish speakers.

Enjoyed your take.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Whispersecret]

Heavy Waiting by alltherage
Waiting, as always,
The ring of a phone
A cold voice, distant, male,
An airport arrival, 8:15
Pick her up if you can
The tingles begin

A little confused whose voice it is...the airline worker's?

Racing, roaring
130 miles in record time
The gate looms
Standing in childish anticipation
She is home
Life is livable once more

Oh, I feel for this guy. I want to hug him because I can see what's coming. Especially love "Standing in childish anticipation."

Distantly a whispered word
Caution, not so fast
I see her face
Doer, angry, cold
She nears me and I feel her eyes
Dangers, hatred is real

I too wondered if "doer" was supposed to be "dower." Wondering why she hates him.

Instantly, the question appears
From the part of me that seeks oblivion
Are we ok?
Cold words with no pity
I found someone
It is over

Good suggestion from daughter about the italics. I wanted to see some demarcation of the spoken words. Maybe a colon?

I retrace my journey
Faster than the new record
Pits of purgatory rip at my belly
Her scent fills my senses
Rancid now
Waited time, meaningless

I intrude now where once I was home
Sleep in solitude in distant places
Hear life go on but I am ignored


Hated.

Here is where I find my favorite lines: "I intrude now where once I was home" and "Dependent for a time, isolated/Imprisoned in Her world "

The last day came
Went
Not an event
No record kept
No farewell, no platitudes
A thief’s exit
Silent

It is acknowledgement I seek
I am here, my mind screams
See me
Care
See the torment you caused
But blind eyes never see
And love sometimes goes unfelt

This last stanza is strong for me and communicates what we all want as human beings when we are rejected.

 

[Whispersecret]

Sonnet for a Heavy Head by ded poet

1 wearing thorny crown no more, the split
2 with rosy is difinitive; no one gains
3 as much as i from what these pangs elicit,
4 brazen as a bond who's burst his chains.
5 and i now free to rage will crucify
6 the churlish hobbling strains of your old dirge,
7 and sing a new song, lilting, with an eye
8 toward becoming yet another demiurge;
9 but for the future symphony i plan
10 on taking several lessons to account:
11with woman, never trust her song to man,
12for man has never turned to much amount.
13 so with the wisdom that my new self found,
14 i have become prometheus, unbound.

Line 2 --Am confused by "rosy," but wonder now if the woman's name is Rosy. If so, why choose not to capitalize? WHy why why? (Remember, I'm a teacher, born to correct.) Especially when the name is also a word? If her name was Maria, then there would have been no confusion. Also, it should be "definitive," not "difinitive." Oh, one more thing...the rhythm seems off here.

Lines 4/5 -- I like the references to a thorny crown and crucifying. To me that means this guy was a martyr to the woman and isn't going to be that anymore.

LIne 8 -- looked up "demiurge" and it wasn't in my dictionary. Please explain.

Lines 9-14 -- As I understood it, this man, like Prometheus discovering fire (?), has now found his own confidence, separate from her. I'd like to hear exactly what lines 11 and 12 meant.

I loved this sonnet, probably in part because I'm polishing up one of my own. I envy how you can continue your train of thought over to the next line. I always end up breaking the thoughts where the lines break.

 

[alltherage]

Thank you all who gave feedback. I never claimed to be a poet but work is work and feedback helps us learn. Hopefully, I learned something. Thank you.

 

[Ded Poet]

hey whisper, thanks for the great feedback.
in truth i wrote this poem straight into the text
window, right out of my head (not to say my ass) and it shows. as soon as i got up the next morning and saw what i had posted (which in the wee hours seemed so clever)i realized it was pretty much tripe...

the main problem i have with it, other than not having a smooth meter, is that the speaker claims in line 10 to be 'taking several lessons to account' but only names one. i might try revising it.

thanks for pointing out spelling errors (can always count you!lol).

not capitalizing...no good reason...

was playing with religious symbolism (rosicrucians)and also henry miller's trilogy 'the rosy crucifiction. i started out thinking of the line 'heavy is the head that wears the crown' and everything else sort of sprouted out of that.

so i was trying to blend a break up with religious symbolism and overtones, yes.

Demiurge lit. 'one who works for the people.' In Platonism, the subordinate god who fashions the sensible world in the light of eternal ideas. In some Gnostic systems, an inferior, not absolutely intelligent diety who is the creator of the material world and is frequently associated with the Creator God in the Old Testament. In general, an autonomous creative force.(from Webster's Third New International Dictionary, unabridged)

Prometheus As punishment for stealing fire from Zeus and giving it to man, Prometheus was punished by being fastened to a rock where eagles perrenially fed on his liver.The last line is a reference to Shelly's poem 'Prometheus Unbound,' where he busts out 'like a bond whose burst his chains'.

Lines 11 and 12 are nothing more than a late night attempt at being clever.

Thanks again for the crit, whispersecret. I appreciate it very much.

DP

 

[Whispersecret]

Prometheus As punishment for stealing fire from Zeus and giving it to man, Prometheus was punished by being fastened to a rock where eagles perrenially fed on his liver.The last line is a reference to Shelly's poem 'Prometheus Unbound,' where he busts out 'like a bond whose burst his chains'.

Lines 11 and 12 are nothing more than a late night attempt at being clever.

---

Oh, yes. I was too lazy last night to look up Prometheus. I remembered that he had gotten fire, but knew there was something important about the myth I was forgetting. Now I remember, it was the liver thing.

Oh, about lines 11 and 12. I had and have no idea what they meant, but they sounded so neat that I didn't seem to care. Now, that is talent! *wink wink*