Heard it all before - keeping descriptions fresh

[Keroin]

Since I comment frequently on clichés, I thought it would be a good idea to start a discussion about unique descriptions.

A good description should not only be unique, it should also convey the tone of the story and even tell you as much about the person, (character), making the observation as it does about what or who is being described.

Each of the descriptions above is from a novel or short story and each describes a woman. (I tried to keep them as short as possible for this discussion but some are part of larger passages and perhaps not as effective as they’re shown here.) So…

Which of these descriptions do you feel painted the clearest picture of the character being described? Why?

What works? What doesn’t?

Which of these descriptions gave you the most insight into the character of the narrator?

And, of course, feel free to make any comments you like about these passages or just descriptions in general. The truly brave may feel free to offer up short passages from their own work to be shredded…er…gently critiqued by everyone else.

Cheers,
Keroin

 

[MisterSir]

1 irritates me because it's really purple, and I simply don't like that. With 2, the problem is that it gives us nothing real to work with, and leaving the character's appearance completely down to our imagination doesn't work. I picked the last one because I have a hard-on for film noir and sounds like something Frank Miller would use.

 

[Keroin]

1 irritates me because it's really purple, and I simply don't like that. With 2, the problem is that it gives us nothing real to work with, and leaving the character's appearance completely down to our imagination doesn't work. I picked the last one because I have a hard-on for film noir and sounds like something Frank Miller would use.

Thanks for joining in, MS!

I'll share the title and authors of the passages down the road. I will say though, the last one was pulled out of a larger description, from a story that I have read about half a dozen times. There's a kind of sweetness and darkness and melancholy in the story that I love.

 

[Penelope Street]

In the openings thread we discussed how evaluating an opening line out of context didn't give some lines their due. I think this is even more true with respect to character descriptions. None of these really did anything for me on their own, but I can see how a few might have shined depending on the situation.

I'll try to dig up a description from one of my posted stories to send through the proverbial shredder.

 

[penandpaper]

1 irritates me because it's really purple, and I simply don't like that. With 2, the problem is that it gives us nothing real to work with, and leaving the character's appearance completely down to our imagination doesn't work. I picked the last one because I have a hard-on for film noir and sounds like something Frank Miller would use.

Mister,

I have to agree with you. Option two, left too much to the imagination. The funny thing is, so did option five, which I chose. But, just like in the opening lines thread, I think the line that portrays the writer's voice best, is often the line chosen. If the voice is strong, and more importantly, unique, it seems to win. Just an observation.

 

[Keroin]

In the openings thread we discussed how evaluating an opening line out of context didn't give some lines their due. I think this is even more true with respect to character descriptions. None of these really did anything for me on their own, but I can see how a few might have shined depending on the situation.

I'll try to dig up a description from one of my posted stories to send through the proverbial shredder.

I tried to keep the choices short, for the sake of not putting everyone to sleep but, yes, the whole passages do make for a better read and I plan to include them down the road. Still, I tried to choose descriptions that, I thought, worked well enough on their own, even as short blips.

Please do offer your work up for sacrifice, I think it would be worthwhile. I will do the same soon.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

1) A bit too sugary. Okay as a nice sentence, but if I saw too many like this in a paragraph I'd be reaching for a sick bucket.
2) Says more about where it originated from. I could see it as the thought process of a character when bowled over by a girl he's just met. As a description on it's own it seems a little weak.
3) I liked this one. If used too often it would get irritating, but it seemed like a nice sentence.
4) This is probably the cliche example I'm guessing. It isn't fancy, but gets the job done.
5) Lovely bit of harboiled noir. I liked this as well. Direct and straight to the point.

I'm fairly uncomplicated when it comes to style

I'd be happy with using the bottom 3 in the right context. 2 only as a direct thought of an appropriate character. 1 I think I'd shy away from. It feels like it's trying too hard to seem clever (same argument could be levelled at 3 but I didn't mind that one so much)

I await Keroin to reveal 1 as from a timeworn classic just so I can look foolish again

 

[Keroin]

1) A bit too sugary. Okay as a nice sentence, but if I saw too many like this in a paragraph I'd be reaching for a sick bucket.
2) Says more about where it originated from. I could see it as the thought process of a character when bowled over by a girl he's just met. As a description on it's own it seems a little weak.
3) I liked this one. If used too often it would get irritating, but it seemed like a nice sentence.
4) This is probably the cliche example I'm guessing. It isn't fancy, but gets the job done.
5) Lovely bit of harboiled noir. I liked this as well. Direct and straight to the point.

I'm fairly uncomplicated when it comes to style

I'd be happy with using the bottom 3 in the right context. 2 only as a direct thought of an appropriate character. 1 I think I'd shy away from. It feels like it's trying too hard to seem clever (same argument could be levelled at 3 but I didn't mind that one so much)

I await Keroin to reveal 1 as from a timeworn classic just so I can look foolish again

Oh piffle! LOL. Seriously, I'm just trying to start a discussion. Cliche descriptions are one of my pet peeves, (yes, I acknowledge that I am guilty of the occasional lazy description my own self). I mean how many times do you have to read "my heart was beating out of my chest" before you want to beat someone's heart out of their chest? (I am kidding...somewhat).

I think the overused description is one of the most common boo-boos I see with new writers here. Anyone else care to chime in?

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Oh piffle! LOL. Seriously, I'm just trying to start a discussion. Cliche descriptions are one of my pet peeves, (yes, I acknowledge that I am guilty of the occasional lazy description my own self). I mean how many times do you have to read "my heart was beating out of my chest" before you want to beat someone's heart out of their chest? (I am kidding...somewhat).

I think the overused description is one of the most common boo-boos I see with new writers here. Anyone else care to chime in?

It's far more fun when you describe their heart ACTUALLY beating out of their chest in an organic bursting kind of way

It's a good discussion idea though.

I think I fall in the middle. If it's simple and unobtrusive I don't mind. I like Terry Pratchett's comment on this in that cliches are the nuts and bolts of language (or something similar). They get the job done in terms of getting a story across.

A really good description gives a story a bit more zing and is better at setting the mood and making the story much more memorable. (And bloody hard to do )

I think worst is trying to hard. Sometimes I read stories where the author goes off with the flowers in trying to be original. I fiind that more jarring. All of a sudden I'm kicked out of the story because it feels like the author is jumping up and down like a small child and screaming 'look how pretty I am'.

(then you get lines like 'I thrust into her love tunnel' that manage to find the worst from both extremes )

 

[Penelope Street]

My contribution for dissection, from "Bridesmaids":

Sandra, the narrator, has traveled by bus to her friend Melissa's wedding, in which she is to be a bridesmaid. She's waiting in the station for Melissa, but the bride is naturally busy and, unknown to Sandra, has asked another bridesmaid to pick Sandra up.

An hour later, with the time of my dress-fitting approaching, I began to wonder if I ought to make change from one of my dollars and call Melissa.

My mind was on that issue and my eyes on the worn, gum-pocked tiles of the bus station floor when a pair of black leather boots strode into my field of view, stopped, and turned their toes toward me.

For a second, I just stared, but the boots did not move. With a gulp, I slid my eyes upward from the footwear, over a pair of black leather pants stretched skin-tight by long, muscular legs to wide hips where a gloved right hand balanced a motorcycle helmet. Onward my eyes traveled to a similar black leather jacket, tapered toward a narrow waist, yet widening again to accommodate a substantial bosom. My gaze followed the flowing ebony locks that lay over those breasts until I came upon a round, chocolate-colored face within which a pair of large, wide-set orbs demanded, and received, my full attention. Perfect her eyes were, large and full like her lips, yet sharp enough to peer into my very soul. My mouth fell open just a bit, although I had no intention of speaking.

 

[BrazenFellow]

I like the point brought up by manyeyedhydra regarding Terry Pratchett's view on cliches. The man has some fantastically unique character descriptions that work very well in two or three lines. I have several of them jotted down as amusing quotes on my desktop.

In terms of the above quotes... I would not want to see line one in an erotic story. That said, it certainly has its place - well away from any sex scene. You typically don't want readers thinking about crying children at the same time that you're easing them into a sex sequence.

Two is too abrupt, in cooperation with extra character description it could work pretty well. As it stands now it's insufficient.

I don't like three but I can see how effective it could be in a more complete excerpt.

For whatever reason, four is generating some great mental images. I'm going to have to say I like four the most; I'm particularly fond of the concept that she's looking innocent but at the same time getting ready to take 'something' in her mouth.

Five has that short and sweet film noir sort of thing that's been mentioned by several others. Not my favourite, but if I saw that as part of a character description it would certainly make me remember the character more, and start wishing for something to demonstrate just how those lips could take a man apart. Which is good, it builds up tension and desire in the reader.

Again I find myself agreeing with manyeyedhydra, if you try too hard to describe a character and it sticks out hugely from the rest of the story it doesn't really have any effect other than to be jarring and break the fluidity of the read. Edit; Penelope Street just provided a superb excerpt demonstrating fluidity and the effect the character's appearance has on our protagonist. That said, it is sometimes good to have a seemingly jarring series of paragraphs that are intended to stick out in the reader's memory so you can reference them later in the story, but that takes skill to execute.

Is it necessary to describe a character all at once in one or several paragraphs? Would it not be sufficient to gradually build up details of the character throughout the story? For instance, a good time to mention the inviting red of her lips is when she's parting them slightly, running her tongue over them, as she takes my shaft in her hand... or as she drags them slowly, delightfully slowly, over the breast of her lover.

 

[Penelope Street]

Sometimes I read stories where the author goes off with the flowers in trying to be original.

Can you believe some have actually accused me of this!

Is it necessary to describe a character all at once in one or several paragraphs? Would it not be sufficient to gradually build up details of the character throughout the story?

I think this is a fine idea if it's not so gradual that the reader has time form a conflicting image of the character.

 

[BrazenFellow]

Yes, it can be difficult to execute. You need to be careful and ensure that you don't offer contradiciting opinions and if you're trying to generate a particular impression, like that of innocence or a deeply sexual person, that the character's actions and supporting articles (like their surroundings/personal area, e.g. their apartment) supports that.

 

[Keroin]

I like the point brought up by manyeyedhydra regarding Terry Pratchett's view on cliches. The man has some fantastically unique character descriptions that work very well in two or three lines. I have several of them jotted down as amusing quotes on my desktop.

In terms of the above quotes... I would not want to see line one in an erotic story. That said, it certainly has its place - well away from any sex scene. You typically don't want readers thinking about crying children at the same time that you're easing them into a sex sequence.

Two is too abrupt, in cooperation with extra character description it could work pretty well. As it stands now it's insufficient.

I don't like three but I can see how effective it could be in a more complete excerpt.

For whatever reason, four is generating some great mental images. I'm going to have to say I like four the most; I'm particularly fond of the concept that she's looking innocent but at the same time getting ready to take 'something' in her mouth.

Five has that short and sweet film noir sort of thing that's been mentioned by several others. Not my favourite, but if I saw that as part of a character description it would certainly make me remember the character more, and start wishing for something to demonstrate just how those lips could take a man apart. Which is good, it builds up tension and desire in the reader.

Again I find myself agreeing with manyeyedhydra, if you try too hard to describe a character and it sticks out hugely from the rest of the story it doesn't really have any effect other than to be jarring and break the fluidity of the read. Edit; Penelope Street just provided a superb excerpt demonstrating fluidity and the effect the character's appearance has on our protagonist. That said, it is sometimes good to have a seemingly jarring series of paragraphs that are intended to stick out in the reader's memory so you can reference them later in the story, but that takes skill to execute.

Is it necessary to describe a character all at once in one or several paragraphs? Would it not be sufficient to gradually build up details of the character throughout the story? For instance, a good time to mention the inviting red of her lips is when she's parting them slightly, running her tongue over them, as she takes my shaft in her hand... or as she drags them slowly, delightfully slowly, over the breast of her lover.

My apologies. I should have mentioned that none of the descriptions I listed are from erotic fiction. They are all mainstream.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

I'm the worst with cliches. I admit, usually I write the cliche in the heat of the moment, and then go back and edit it out. Sometimes I miss them in the edit, or get lazy (eek) and leave them in anyway. Bad, I know. Sometimes it feels like the story getting TOLD is more important in the moment. It's not, of course. But sometimes it feels that way.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

I'm the worst with cliches. I admit, usually I write the cliche in the heat of the moment, and then go back and edit it out. Sometimes I miss them in the edit, or get lazy (eek) and leave them in anyway. Bad, I know. Sometimes it feels like the story getting TOLD is more important in the moment. It's not, of course. But sometimes it feels that way.

I wish I did that.

Too often I get stuck on a single paragraph trying to get that killer line I know is almost, but not quite ready in my mind. Then I forget what the next paragraph was supposed to be and that slows me down further as I try and remember the killer line I'm sure I had ready for that one, until I lose the flow of the story completely and end up with a mental trainwreck

Out of curiosity. What are the worst cliches that should be avoided at all costs. Anyone got some good examples?

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Sandra, the narrator, has traveled by bus to her friend Melissa's wedding, in which she is to be a bridesmaid. She's waiting in the station for Melissa, but the bride is naturally busy and, unknown to Sandra, has asked another bridesmaids to pick Sandra up.

An hour later, with the time of my dress-fitting approaching, I began to wonder if I ought to make change from one of my dollars and call Melissa.

My mind was on that issue and my eyes on the worn, gum-pocked tiles of the bus station floor when a pair of black leather boots strode into my field of view, stopped, and turned their toes toward me.

For a second, I just stared, but the boots did not move. With a gulp, I slid my eyes upward from the footwear, over a pair of black leather pants stretched skin-tight by long, muscular legs to wide hips where a gloved right hand balanced a motorcycle helmet. Onward my eyes traveled to a similar black leather jacket, tapered toward a narrow waist, yet widening again to accommodate a substantial bosom. My gaze followed the flowing ebony locks that lay over those breasts until I came upon a round, chocolate-colored face within which a pair of large, wide-set orbs demanded, and received, my full attention. Perfect her eyes were, large and full like her lips, yet sharp enough to peer into my very soul. My mouth fell open just a bit, although I had no intention of speaking.

Nice descriptive passage, although I have a question over 'I slid my eyes upward'. It's one of those phrases I've always been a little paranoid over ever since reading an article about an older news reader bemoaning the falling standards of English in media. I think one of the examples used was 'her eyes slid across his chest' or something similar. The criticism was that the eyes aren't actually sliding across the chest because that would be rather messy and gruesome to boot. I'm not sure whether it's a valid criticism, it seems a little fussy and overly nit-picky to me, but I've always gone with 'I slid my gaze upward' just to be on the safe side. I might be worrying about nothing.

Anyway, I'm probably digressing.

I like the description. It creates a strong mental image without looking like it's trying to be too clever.

 

[Penelope Street]

Penelope Street just provided a superb excerpt demonstrating fluidity and the effect the character's appearance has on our protagonist.

Thank you.

Nice descriptive passage, although I have a question over 'I slid my eyes upward'. It's one of those phrases I've always been a little paranoid over ever since reading an article about an older news reader bemoaning the falling standards of English in media. I think one of the examples used was 'her eyes slid across his chest' or something similar. The criticism was that the eyes aren't actually sliding across the chest..."

So it's an idiom. I confess I just don't see the issue, except maybe fifty years ago this exact usage didn't exist? What about similar phrases, like "He caught my eye" or "Keep an eye on the stove"? I suspect many of those who whine about so-called declining standards are just big babies who can't accept that languages evolve. Come to think of it, there are many who just plain don't want the entire world to change in any way- except back to the way they imagine it was when they were young.

...because that would be rather messy and gruesome...

I can see why you'd like it!

I like the description.

Thank you too.

 

[_Lynn_]

Nice descriptive passage, although I have a question over 'I slid my eyes upward'. It's one of those phrases I've always been a little paranoid over ever since reading an article about an older news reader bemoaning the falling standards of English in media. I think one of the examples used was 'her eyes slid across his chest' or something similar. The criticism was that the eyes aren't actually sliding across the chest because that would be rather messy and gruesome to boot. I'm not sure whether it's a valid criticism, it seems a little fussy and overly nit-picky to me, but I've always gone with 'I slid my gaze upward' just to be on the safe side. I might be worrying about nothing.

I used similar phrases in the past, until an editor mentioned the 'messiness' factor. Now when I catch myself using the words in a sentence, I go back and make changes. Nit-picky, maybe, but I'm sure there are other things corrected in a story that are as well.

 

[Penelope Street]

I sure hope my whine about whiners didn't derail a great thread.

 

[Guest]

"Her life enfolded mine within its triumph and sorrow, just as easily as her red shawl sometimes enswathed a crying child that passed by the doorway of her house."

Way, way overwrought. Feels almost like parody.

"She was sex."

It's clean, and I like clean, but it's been done so many times it's cliched.

"Documenting her effect on her habitat, a naturalist would likely have compared her to a lioness: strong, sleek, and invariably surrounded by her pride. "

The surrounded by her pride bit doens't feel clever so much as it feels hokey. I guess it would depend on the particular story where it's used, but if it's a line in a serious story, it really kicks the reader out.

"The strength flowed out of her legs and she slipped to her knees with a weird kind of grace, looking like a girl about to take communion."

The best of the bunch, though I might change 'looking like a girl' to 'like a girl'.

"Those lips. They could take a man apart."

Feels slightly noir'ish. Again, in the right story it might work, but in the wrong one it would be distracting.

 

[simplyme]

I'm not bothered so much by cliches, I mean they have a place in writing. You NEED them a lot of times to really GET that moment or point across to the reader. They provide an easily identifiable 'thing' that maybe not all, but most, people can 'see' and understand.

Of course an over abundance of them can be a bit annoying but I'm not one to get sooo upset by them enough to stop reading and start fuming about how I could do better or anything. Since I probably couldn't

Anywho...heres the opening paragraph to a short-short story (500 words or less).

The evening light cascaded through the window carried by the slow breeze flowing off the ocean. Everything had a slight pinkish purple glow as if the setting sun was staining the world in the colors of dusk so that the day wouldn’t be forgotten. This was her favorite time, when the world around seemed to slow down a little as if catching it’s collective breathe getting ready for the night. The view from her balcony was magical in how the light played off the ocean making it look like a water-color swirl of hues and tones that shouldn’t belong together but worked to create a masterpiece that she never grew tired of looking at.

 

[Pure]

i think 4) is closest to being fresh.

some of the others are either too purple or lush, or self consciously (and derivatively) noirish.

if, however, 4) leads to a load of semen being dumped on her "worshipfully extended tongue," then i'd have to change my vote.

 

[Penelope Street]

Anywho...here's the opening paragraph to a short-short story (500 words or less).

The evening light cascaded through the window carried by the slow breeze flowing off the ocean. Everything had a slight pinkish purple glow as if the setting sun was staining the world in the colors of dusk so that the day wouldn’t be forgotten. This was her favorite time, when the world around seemed to slow down a little as if catching it's(sic) collective breathe(sic) getting ready for the night. The view from her balcony was magical in how the light played off the ocean making it look like a water-color swirl of hues and tones that shouldn’t belong together but worked to create a masterpiece that she never grew tired of looking at.

Typos aside, I like it, especially the part about the world holding its breath. The "in how" moment in the subsequent sentence feels a little off, but overall it's a lovely image. So is this one hundred word opening really from a five hundred word story?

 

[simplyme]

Ahh the typos..I suck horribly at punctuation, plus I wrote the thing in probably 10 minutes or less, wrote 2 based on the same painting from 2 seperate perspectives, His, which is at an earlier moment in time (I would say a few years) than this story which is from Her perspective.

Umm yea this story is under 500 words, 464 (had to find it again) to be exact the other is 500 on the dot. Why?

I like to, for practice, go to painting/art/photography sites or places that sell prints of paintings and just pick one to write a story about it. Have a handful of these on my comp from earlier this year and late last year. Havent written much new since then. Or I'll write poetry based on the paintings. Just whatever.

It's fun and a good way to loosen up the writing muscles. I'm trying to get back into it so I can finally get some of the stories I want to write on here written, been trying to do at least one story in every catagory on here but so far seem to be stuck on anal and gay male, which is odd considering I'm not gay. Wanted to do the ones I figured I'd have the most trouble with first (and which are read FAR more times than the others so far) but I'm freezing on the ones I know more about.

If you'd like to read the entire thing(s) feel free to let me know I'll send it/them out with the names of the paintings that they're written about.

Thanks for the crit.