Head hopping

[redzinger]

Still being a relative-newbie at writing, a friend identified some of this in one of my drafts last year, in a version which had already been past an editor. Not obvious changes in POV, but the odd 'shocked expression', touch of mindreading and X-ray specs.

e.g. (from below link)

Glancing over the top of her menu, Blythe looked Anthony in the eye. She knew he was worried that she was going to order the lobster. "The specials look nice," she said, wondering if he would notice that the featured special was lobster. He needn't have worried. What she really wanted was the buffalo wings.

I know she's going to order the lobster. He smiled, hoping she didn't realize he was nervous. Anthony realized that his menu hadn't come with the list of specials. Well, he should be safe; this place never listed lobster as one of the specials. Blythe was really beginning to annoy him. She'd told him she liked buffalo wings, but the first time they went out, she'd ordered lobster!

The waitress came by. From the moment she saw this couple, she knew she'd get a lousy tip because this man was already scowling at his date, as if afraid she would order something expensive. She tried to keep her voice cheerful as she asked, "Are you ready to order?"

http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/headhop.shtml

And the link my friend gave:

http://theeditorsblog.net/2011/09/10/head-hopping-gives-readers-whiplash/


I didn't know the name for it before then, I just knew that the rhythm of some stories wasn't quite right. It's something that once I became aware of (which I'm finding is frequently the case with writing), I can usually identify and avoid.

My current (almost-finished) WIP begins with several successive POV changes for effect in a short scene, and I'm not sure if it works.

As a reader, once noticed, hopping can bug.
As a writer, it can be a challenge to impart useful information without the odd hop.

Does anyone else find themselves doing it, or does it bug when reading?









I couldn't find a tune that I liked with 'hopping' in the title, so here's the next best thing:
http://youtu.be/KZaz7OqyTHQ?t=25s

 

[sr71plt]

I don't mind it when done as you give in your example--and when it's sustained throughout the story. What I try not to do and look for in edits is one character saying what another character is thinking or feeling as if they know--that character is the only one who can know and reveal (unless you are in third person omniscient voice) what he/she is thinking or feeling. And it isn't necessarily thruthfuly revealed in what they say they are thinking or feeling.

 

[oggbashan]

I avoid it. But if I intended to use it, I would probably separate the different POVs into chapters, or at least have a significant break before changing.

 

[8letters]

The head hopping between Blythe and Anthony IMHO can work in this scene because there's a lot of miscommunication between them. That way we get to see that when Blythe said X, she meant it this way and Anthony took it that way.

Popping into the waitress' head? Stupid unless she's going to become a main character later. Otherwise, who cares about her opinion? I'm guessing that writer wanted to show that it was obvious that Anthony was really worried that Blythe would order the lobster again. I find it redundant and takes away from the story.

There's lots of other bad writing in that little snippet.

Glancing over the top of her menu, Blythe looked Anthony in the eye.

If Anthony was reading his menu, how did she do that? Shouldn't it be "Blythe caught Anthony's eye over their menus"?

What she really wanted was the buffalo wings.

"really" is a useless word here.

I know she's going to order the lobster. He smiled, hoping she didn't realize he was nervous. Anthony realized that his menu hadn't come with the list of specials. Well, he should be safe; this place never listed lobster as one of the specials.

Bad to use the same word ("realize") twice so closely together. I would use "notice" instead of "realize" in the first sentence. In the second, I'd write something like "Anthony's menu didn't have the list of specials, but he should be safe as this place never listed lobster as one of the specials."

How can he think she's going to order the lobster and think he should be safe at almost the same time?

Blythe was really beginning to annoy him.

Another useless "really". Bonus useless "beginning".

She'd told him she liked buffalo wings, but the first time they went out, she'd ordered lobster!

Why is Anthony getting annoyed now for something that happened in the past? If it bothered him so much, why is he taking her to dinner again?

 

[49greg]

The head hopping between Blythe and Anthony IMHO can work in this scene because there's a lot of miscommunication between them. That way we get to see that when Blythe said X, she meant it this way and Anthony took it that way.

Popping into the waitress' head? Stupid unless she's going to become a main character later. Otherwise, who cares about her opinion? I'm guessing that writer wanted to show that it was obvious that Anthony was really worried that Blythe would order the lobster again. I find it redundant and takes away from the story.

There's lots of other bad writing in that little snippet.


If Anthony was reading his menu, how did she do that? Shouldn't it be "Blythe caught Anthony's eye over their menus"?


"really" is a useless word here.


Bad to use the same word ("realize") twice so closely together. I would use "notice" instead of "realize" in the first sentence. In the second, I'd write something like "Anthony's menu didn't have the list of specials, but he should be safe as this place never listed lobster as one of the specials."

How can he think she's going to order the lobster and think he should be safe at almost the same time?


Another useless "really". Bonus useless "beginning".


Why is Anthony getting annoyed now for something that happened in the past? If it bothered him so much, why is he taking her to dinner again?

I like your critique. Partly because most of them are things I wouldn't have noticed. The "Realize" thing is something I do way too much. When I'm going over what I've written I find far too many, and too close together. Hopefully I have caught most of my 'realizes' before I posted my stories.

And my comment on the OP. I am also of the opinion that what he wrote might work, if that was as far as his POV hopping went. At least he didn't us a lot of 'I's and trying to differentiate which 'I' was referring to who (or whom?) I have read stories on lit where they kept it strictly first person, and changed from one person to the other all though the story.

 

[JLCC]

Not talking about the excerpt, but the head hopping bit caught my eye.

I am writing a chapter of a story with three principles: one male and two females. It has felt important to me to convey the thoughts and feelings of each. I do that within separate paragraphs, I do make an effort to be clear who the new thinker is, but I wondered at the readability of the shift.

I am aware now but I don't think I'll change. I have already been struggling, trying to inject the general theme of the story into the scenes and it has been hard enough.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

In general, I don't like head hopping. I try very hard to eliminate all traces of it from my stories. I don't always succeed, but I make a concerted effort.

That being said, there are situations where it works well. Long stories in particular almost require shifting perspectives. Other situations exist, but I won't try to catalog them here.