He Wanted To Play

[mysterylady927]

HEY EVERY ONE GO CHECK OUT MY STORY HE WANTED TO PLAY ...AND DONT FORGET TO VOTE ..ITS UNDER NEW STORIES ..2ND PAGE FROM MYSTERYLADY927

 

[KillerMuffin]

Go to your story page, right click on the address bar, select copy, return to this thread, press edit on your original post, scroll to the bottom of what you've written, create a new paragraph because formatting is nicer, right click again, select paste, then press save changes.

You may get feedback, you may not. Links always help.

Have you considered returning the favor? There are tons of threads with authors looking for the same thing.



Good luck!

 

[SexyChele]

Hi, and welcome to Lit! I second what KillerMuffin suggested. It always helps when you provide a link to your story. I would also suggest you turn off the caps lock. Just a suggestion.

Okay, I just finished reading your story, and the type of story you picked (older woman/younger man) is quite erotic. There is a lot of potential with this type of story.

I think your story could benefit from more detail. Not that you would have to write a book, but there were the potential for some excellent scenes that seemed to be rushed through. For example, you have the young man reading a couple of erotic stories and then the female character is blowing him. I just felt there could have been more exchange there between the two characters. What was the female character thinking? Was she turned on by his youth? Or was there a twinge of guilt? It's written in first person, so I wouldn't expect to know the male character's thoughts, but I would have liked to know more about the female's thoughts.

I think there is a "flow" problem, that relates to what I've stated above. As there isn't much detail, the situations between paragraphs seems a little choppy and uneven. Providing a bit more detail allows you to flow into the next paragraph evenly.

There were a few grammar boo-boos as well. The ones that stood out at me were the following three:

1. Anytime you use dialogue, it constitutes a new paragraph. For instance, and taking liberty here hoping you don't mind:

The original story: I asked, "What are you two doing?' Ryan answered first, "I thought you were coming to beat my ass." The one standing said "I'm Tim, I'm hiding him" Tim asked my name, I told him it was Sherry. (This comes from the middle of the first paragraph)

I would have written it as:

"What are you two doing?" I asked as I approached them.

"I thought you were coming to beat my ass," Ryan answered first.

"I'm Tim," said the guy standing next to Ryan. "I'm hiding him."

Tim then asked my name, and I replied that it was Sherry. <paragraph continues>

I was a little confused as to who and why Ryan was thinking his ass was going to get beat, but that is something else.

2. Lack of use of commas. I noticed that you used commas in the story, which is good. But there were times when the sentence should have ended, and a comma inserted. For example:

Original wording (from the first paragraph):
"As I got closer I saw Ryan laying in my flowers, drunk again I thought."

My rewrite:
As I walked closer to my apartment, I saw that Ryan was laying in my flowerbed. Drunk again, I thought to myself.

You want your story to flow, to make it easy for the reader to understand the idea you are trying to convey.

3. Word usage. This is sort of a pet peeve of mine, because I see it done all the time. In one sentence, you write:

"Yes, your just to young."

The your that you want to use is you're or you are. The to should be too. How to remember these? Use subsitution. If you can substitute "you are", then you know you should use "you're". You can't do it in this instance, but sometimes if you can substitue "also", then you use "too". "To" is used to define something - to carry, to speak. You are not doing that here. You are emphasizing a point, and the word should be "too". (I'm sure KillerMuffin can help me out with the exact terminology used as I'm forgetting at the moment!)


I would encourage you keep up the writing. Allow your imagination to flow, and let the details come forth. You don't have to go overboard, just enough to make your stories flow and pull the reader along gently into your tale.

Good luck, and I hope you get more feedback!

 

[Debbie]

Here is a link to your story.

http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=46768

Echoing KillerMuffin and SexyChele. (who has given great feedback) Giving feedback to other authors is a great way to
get feedback also.

 

[mysterylady927]

I want to thank all, for the feed back.