he smokes, i dont.

[cryforme1v]

a long time ago i promised myself i would never date someone that smokes weed or does any kind of drug. i have never smoked and will never.
long story short - i dated a guy who smoked a lot and did all kinds of pills. i ended that after 3 years of violance and scars inside and out.

well i've been dating this guy for a few months, and he's been honest with me about it from the beginning. I dont like it, and i dont want to date someone that smokes. But at the same time i want to be with him. He's a complete sweetheart to me. Do i just accept the fact that he smokes? and in the long term if we do get really serious, how do i raise my son with someone that smokes and keep my kid away from it? I dont want to be around it, i dont want to be around him when he's high, i dont want any part of it. I know that sounds extremely selfish but i cant help it.
He was raised that its completely normal part of life. He says its his only outlet to relax and it helps him sleep. I dont understand that - i dont smoke, and i very rarely drink, i dont go out and hang out with my friends all the time like he does.
He lives with his best friends, he has a good job, no kids, hardly any bills, and only sees his family once or twice a week. What would he need an outlet from and why not find something else? something actually legal. His life is - work / video games / sleep / work / video games / sleep. i only see him 1 maybe 2 nights a week.
sorry if this sounds like i'm being a drama queen. in pain and trying to figure things out isnt a good mix. i dont know any other way of wording this right now so i'll just post and add / edit later if i missed anything or misworded something.
thanks for the help ladies n gents.

 

[kaycee217]

What does he smoke? Tobacco, or something less...legal?

Either way, if smoking annoys you enough to make a thread about it now, just wait until the "in love" feelings wear off...I'm guessing his smoking will become a serious problem for you.

 

[PublicAffection]

Don't settle. If you promised yourself that you wouldn't be with someone who smokes / does drugs / picks their nose / wears two left shoes... don't. In the end you will be frustrated and disappointed with yourself.

Everyone needs to have standards, and you shouldn't set yours aside just for the sake of being with someone nice. There are tons of great people in the world who don't smoke, it sounds like you just need to focus on what is important to you and be patient until you find one. (read: you should have made your exit when he first brought it up months ago)

 

[coastal-boy]

what you see is what you get. And in my experience...unless someone reaches a bottom...they don't simply "stop" (no matter what vice). Given the fact that you have a young child and you do not want them exposed, I would look at what you want and ask yourself "is this OK?" If not, then do both of you a favor and go elsewhere. I would not give an ultimatum...it will just be broken and cause more issues.

 

[albertaboy]

The fact that you had a bad experience with a drug abuser doesn't mean that everyone who smokes pot is abusive.

I think it doesn't matter so much that someone smokes as long as they respect limits, ie not at your place or near kids etc.

 

[Cattypuss]

I have no problem with pot-smokers. It's drinkers I don't like.

But anyhoo......... the all-time top piece of relationship advice anyone can give anyone is:

Don't go into a relationship with someone hoping you can change them.

 

[reannerose]

so, i gave up smoking weed TWICE for men who didnt want me to smoke and i wanted to be a part of their lives so i stopped.

guys like that get into a routine, they wont change until they want to change (if you leave and he realizes he wants to be with you, he will stop)

because you have put up with it during this time, telling him he has to stop in order to be with you more than likely wont work. i know there is someone out there who doesnt smoke who is waiting to meet you! (ya i know i sound corny)

 

[reannerose]

Don't go into a relationship with someone hoping you can change them.

i completely agree!! my sister married her long time boyfriend, hoping a comitement would change him. she left him 8 months later. 'nough said!

 

[emap]

What Catty said. I am going to touch on a couple items in addition however.

You did not specify what he smokes, I get the feeling he smokes pot but just in case. A ciggarette smoker is easy, simply say not in my house he goes and sits on the porch smokes and comes back, better for him because he smokes less and faster.

Pot smokers well you can do the same thingy, except him sitting out fron is only going to get more people smoking pot on your porch. It is actually that popular go figure on that. Pot is also mentally addictive, really fast apparently but anyone who smokes pot wants more and will never ever decline. It's not a dangerous drug, pot smokers get hungry, and it is easy to get and cheap so there's never going to be hold ups to get money for pot.

However, pot has side effects besides hungry. Pot smokers will deny it until they are blue in the face and it is possible it is simple signs of dumb but well pot smokers aren't the brightest. They tend to be kinda clueless at times, I mean missing obvious stuff clueless. Pot is said to be a gateway drug, it isn't actually I've never seen a pot head go you know I want a bigger high what other drugs are there. They do however not say no if offered other drugs while high, most likely dealers will sit down and smoke pot with new customers and then offer better highs or different highs and have better paying customers because everything else is a chemical addictive.

OK so that said, you need to ask yourself. Do you want to have him in your house with your son? If your son is young enough to not remember anyone else it can be good, my guys mom smokes that crap, he doesn't and refuses to do drugs. If however your son is over 2 he will find that your pot smoker is cool and will emulate him, unless he remembers your ex and the problems caused by his drug use at which point chances are good your son won't touch drugs. Which means you are the key point, can you deal with a live in boyfriend/husband who smokes pot and if so are you prepared for your son rethinking drugs?

In my guys case both of his parents smoked pot, it wasn't a case of one did and one didn't. In your case of one does and one didn't you saying don't do drugs and him doing drugs gives a mixed message and chances are good will result in your son doing drugs. Personally I say you dump that pot head right this second and move on with you. Keep in mind pot smokers never actually stop, they just put it on hold until they get offered or find some.

 

[reannerose]

However, pot has side effects besides hungry. Pot smokers will deny it until they are blue in the face and it is possible it is simple signs of dumb but well pot smokers aren't the brightest. They tend to be kinda clueless at times, I mean missing obvious stuff clueless. Pot is said to be a gateway drug, it isn't actually I've never seen a pot head go you know I want a bigger high what other drugs are there. They do however not say no if offered other drugs while high, most likely dealers will sit down and smoke pot with new customers and then offer better highs or different highs and have better paying customers because everything else is a chemical addictive.

it has been proven that yes, pot has many negative side effects and some possitive ones.

for info go here:
www.drugpolicy.org/marijuana/factsmyths


as for a gateway drug, the example you gave of a dealer pushing for a bigger high is true, they do that. me personally, i love pot but i will NEVER EVER try any of the other stuff. pot CANT kill you, its that simple. will probably make you stupid if you smoke a lot over long term, but no one has ever died from smoking too much pot. (the other stuff can kill u tho). just be educated.

 

[coastal-boy]

As a recovering addict with over 20 years clean my opinions are based not only on my experiences (which were over 15 years worth of active use) but also the experiences of thousands in meetings. To say that any specific drug will not kill you is total 100% bullshit. I have known many people, including a very good friend who helped me get clean, who "only smoked pot" and they are just as dead from their disease as many other junkies using "far harder" drugs. Anytime our thoughts become biased, by drugs or emotions, a door is opened to irrational options. Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem and anyone who thinks there isn't a connection between drug use and coping is mistaken. It is never the drug people...it is the reason people use drugs that is the problem.

Now having said all this...there is no generalization that includes everyone. This isn't about the bf...this should be about the OP and I commend them for asking themselves this type of question. If they feel they cannot get over their past at this time, then in all liklihood they are not ready for this particular relationship at this particular time. But opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and I could be 100% wrong.

 

[SweetErika]

as for a gateway drug, the example you gave of a dealer pushing for a bigger high is true, they do that. me personally, i love pot but i will NEVER EVER try any of the other stuff. pot CANT kill you, its that simple. will probably make you stupid if you smoke a lot over long term, but no one has ever died from smoking too much pot. (the other stuff can kill u tho). just be educated.

A few drinks can't kill me, but if I get behind the wheel or do something equally stupid because my judgment's impaired, they certainly can seriously harm or kill me or someone else.

And smoking anything--including pot--can lead to various types of cancer. One may not be able to overdose on THC, but the smoke from pot has carcinogens that can lead to deadly diseases like lung cancer.

So, while I get your point, logic says your argument doesn't have a joint to stand on.


Cryforme, I definitely see where you're coming from and think you've received great advice on not settling or trying to change this guy. He'll either grow out of it or stay stunted, but you can't wait around for either to happen. You may want to tell him your personal limits (like for me it might be smoking pot in a safe social situation a few times a year), see what he says, then walk away if YOU can't handle his choice. Don't go in thinking 'ultimatum,' keep reminding yourself these are your boundaries and you don't expect him to change his behavior for anyone.

 

[kreaded]

*******Deleted*******

 

[Bandit58]

Sir smokes both cigarettes and pot. The pot is for medicinal purposes and we explained this to my daughter (aged 18 at the time) when she visited and she was ok with it and has never smoked anything in her life. When I can't sleep or have a headache Sir will give me a couple of little "kiss cones" which work wonders and I have no desire to smoke at any other time. This happens about once or twice a week at most.

I gave up cigarettes in 1986. I first tried pot at a New Year's party in 02. I never smoked it again until Sir and I got together at the beginning of 04. I hardly even drink alcohol - I had 3 "alcopops" at a bbq last weekend and that was enough for me.

Pot does have some good points. It helps with chronic pain, nausea, insomnia and can help stimulate the appetite especially if like Sir you are diabetic, feeling ill and don't want to eat.

 

[emap]

Pot has a good side yes but totally off subject.

Think about it this way, this guy you are seeing is probably alot like your ex husband, if you want to admit that or not. Drugs users tend to be pretty sedentary, sit around passing the joint and gossiping or playing video games. If I had kids I wouldn't want that living with me, kids look around and see what adults are doing and copy that. If only one of you works and the other sits around all day playing games and getting high then the worker comes home sits down and watches TV, how much exercise do you think any kids living with those two would get?

Also think about it, how many thin successful people are there in the world who admit to smoking pot? There is a running back for the Miami Dolphins who actually stopped playing because he wouldn't stop smoking pot, he's come back since but still you get the idea.

 

[PertPerth]

I tend to agree that just because you've had a bad experience in the past with someone who abused drugs and smoked, doesn't mean that it's going to happen again.
Having said that, I know that it's not something I could live with. For me, smoking, no matter what substance, is a "deal breaker". I have no issue with other people (friends included) doing whatever they want in their own time and space. My home is my haven and a smoke-free zone - including outside. (I like fresh air!)
I know of couples where one smokes an the other doesn't (my parents for example) so not everyone feels the same way as I do. I hope you can work out what you can live with, cryforme. Only you can decide that.

 

[Midnight_Man]

test...

 

[cryforme1v]

test...

what?

 

[subwannabe]

Work, video games, sleep, pot smoking. Doesn't sound like this guy is really what you are looking for. Don't settle. You're definetly not going to change him.

 

[cryforme1v]

Work, video games, sleep, pot smoking. Doesn't sound like this guy is really what you are looking for. Don't settle. You're definetly not going to change him.

i cant really say much - our lives arent much different besides the pot smoking.
I work / play games / raise my son / sleep.
I live with my parents right now to help my mom out, so my work schedule is slowly dwindling.

 

[NervousNellie]

I dont want to be around it, i dont want to be around him when he's high, i dont want any part of it. I know that sounds extremely selfish but i cant help it.
<snip>
sorry if this sounds like i'm being a drama queen. in pain and trying to figure things out isnt a good mix. i dont know any other way of wording this right now so i'll just post and add / edit later if i missed anything or misworded something.
thanks for the help ladies n gents.

My biggest problem with your original post is that you feel the need to apologize for stating what it is you want. It's okay for you to have preferences for how you want to live your life & how you want to raise your child. It's okay for you to own your feelings and say them aloud. You don't have to apologize for whatever those feelings or desires are. You don't have to apologize to yourself, others in your life & certainly not to a bunch of strangers in a forum on the internet.

Be strong & claim what it is you want in life. It's your life, you should be selfish with it.

 

[googlesperm]

Standards hun. You need to set your standards.

If a guy doesnt meet them then go find another.

Seriously. I am married now. I found my wife becuase she met my standards that I set for myself. I didnt lower them for anyone.

Im a social drinker,never used drugs or tobacco and wont stand for them. She is the same way.

Set your standards. There is a whole wide world to choose from. You may need to go to a location outside your comfort zone.

So you meet guys at bars alot? Swich locations. Dont go to bars to find a guy. Try supermarket, restraunt, sport games, ice rinks, even a movie theather.

Good luck

 

[TheRealFATANG]

Many of you are under the assumption that all stoners are losers.

If you don't like it, don't date him. Your choice. Don't be needy. There's millions of people around you, what makes him so special? Is he your true love?

You should be concerned if a person does anything in excess. Including video games.

Why don't you see him? Does he say: "I'm busy being stoned and playing video games, leave me alone" ?

Would you prefer he drank? If you've never done it, how do you know it's bad? Someone told you? Maybe he has an addictive personality, why not substitute sex, that helps me get to sleep.

Maybe,you should just talk to him, straight up and directly, how he feels on issues that concern you about him. No subtexts. No assumptions. Past experiences included. Maybe your thinking way farther ahead than he is. Maybe he'll grow up?

And above all else: Do Not listen to people on the Internet.

 

[Mac98]

pot CANT kill you, its that simple. will probably make you stupid if you smoke a lot over long term, but no one has ever died from smoking too much pot. (the other stuff can kill u tho). just be educated.

Pot doesn't make you "stupid" no matter how long you smoke it. Yes, it kills brainsells, so anyone who smokes daily for 10 years might start having side effects including non-chalantness, laziness or lazy-eyes, but it won't take away their learning capabilities (in exception to when they're actually high. My brother's been smoking weed on a regular basis for the past 10 years and I'd say he's smarter than 90% of the people I've met. He knows things I never would've thought of on my own.

And pot isn't exactly a gateway drug... maybe when you're 12, 13 or 14 years old, but not when you're past all that (and not when you've been smoking for a little while).


My advice to the OP is this: Pot isn't really THAT big a deal... it doesn't make people violent (quite the opposite, I'd say) and it doesn't make people do stupid things for stupid reasons. However, I understand fully that you wouldn't want your child around it. My advice to you is see where your "boyfriend" stands on this subject. Does he take your child's best interest to heart? Would he be willing to compromise (not smoking around the kid or in your house, not leave any of his "instruments" lying around, etc.)? Furthermore, if it's a question of morals, my advice to you is either ease up or find someone else. I really don't see the problem with occasional tokeing due to the fact that it's a peaceful drug (used by some of the greatest philosophers of our time)... does your man have a good heart? If so, I'm sure you can let this slide... if he's willing to be understanding and willing to compromise...

 

[Jayzus]

So many hypocrites, so much misinformation. How many of you drink coffee? Is caffeine not a drug? Does caffeine not have withdrawl symptoms,? The withdrawl symptoms of caffeine are worse than marijuana's so-called withdrawl symptoms. Geez. Who would have thought? Smoke tobacco? Yeah. Tobaaco is worse than pot. So if you smoke it. Time to step off your high horse.

You are associating pot with a poly drug user and blaming pot for it. Let me explain something to you. Your ex more than likely was abusing strong opiates eight? He smoked pot to ease the withdrawls, but alas, pot will not eliminate a heavy opiate withdrawl. Your ex was violent because of the pills, not the pot. Pot's medicinal uses and benefits are abused by heavy drug users to ease crashes and withdrawl, and pain. An opiate user feels like they are constantly being stabbed by needles when they aren't on it, and the pot numbs the pain, that is all there is to it.

Your current boyfriend is so nice because you couldn't get violent on pot alone if your life depended on it. It's a very non-violent drug unlike alcohol. You can also never dose, unlike alcohol. Doesn't that say something itself. Your boyfriend is having the time of his life. He has a great job which isn't affected by pot because unlike alcohol, it doesn't have the potential to create black outs or affect coordination to the point where one can't walk right, or hold a conversation. Your current boyfriend isn't concerned with such things as materialism, but more important things like friendship clearly. He's got life figured out better than you. He's self-sufficient, independent, and successful. He doesn't need you, he's a man, not a needy girl. You are the jealous, selfish, needy one. And here you are using pot as the scapegoat. Maybe you should reallyTake the time to get to know your boyfriend a bit better instead of closing youjr mind. He's got personal happiness figures out and it's working for him with no I'll effects.

Also, no, he's not gonna be smoking pot around your boy. Ffs pot smokers tend to be more responsible about those things than tobacco smokers. It's also not like he's smoking 24 joints a day. You need to look up the real facts on marijuana. TBC KILLS cancer, look it up on Digg if you don't believe that. Pot flourished wildly and has been used for medicinal purposes since the begging of man. The Bill of Rights was written on paperr made from pot, Thomas Jefferson grew it, the list goes on and on. Aside from tar which can be avoided via a vapourizer, the worse thing pot really does is give the munchies and slight short-term memory loss while high.

I have been very stoned and never had any issue remembering anything. If you offered me a million dollars to pun h you while stoned, I'd laugh at you. When I eKe up the next morning I am perfectly fine, the world feels beautiful and life is great. When I drink, I wake up and feel like shit, I am dehydrated, sometimes feel a bit sick. I also should mention thaat at no tome do I lose my self-concious while under the influence of pot. I think you are attributing the side effects of hard drugs with pot here. Pot is as non-violent a drug as there is, with NO physical withdrawl symptoms, unlike coffee or tobacco. Once again, just because it's legal does not mean it is safer. Pot has not killed ONE person. Now tell me how mantpwople die from alcohol related symptoms or use?

Look up non-biased information and you will be very surprised. There's also a video done by some medical researchers in the UK about reclassifying drugs based on EFFECT. Guess what? Alcohol was fourth I believe with nicotine right up there and pot was DEAD LAST st 20.

Face it, you are needy, jealous, and inse cure. You lack self-esteem and depend on your boyfriend for it, where he has his life together and is doing better than you it seems. The problem is you. If it wasn't the pot, it would be the fact that he doesn't see you every day and forget about his best friends, or his hobbies.