he isn't into it!

[tiedupsub]

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years and although the sex is good, he just isn't into the same things as I am. I normally love being submissive and love role play etc. Obviously at the start of the relationship it was new and exciting anyway but now its really frustrating. There is no question of our relationship and I would never go elsewhere (except in my fantasies!!).

I have tried to encourage him but I feel embarrassed if i try to push it, he does a bit of spanking and thats about it really. My past boyfriends have been different especially my ex before him as it was with him I really got into it but i don't want to be like I'm comparing him to ex's.

Does anyone have any suggestions about how to get him to open up and experiment without being embarrassed?

please help!

 

[tan43215]

watch a movie with the things you want and say "thats what i want". and if that doesn't do it call me and i take care of it

 

[LaRocha]

Some dudes aren't going to draw blood, pee on you, whatever, no matter what. Tell him what you want, he'll deliver or he won't. Either you need kinky sex and leave him, or you can go with whatever he's willing to give. If I were him and you kept quiet, married me, and then two years down the line left me because you wanted kinkier sex, I'd be super pissed.

 

[tiedupsub]

any movie suggestions for him tan? We haven't ever watched porn together and so comes the embarrassment again! I think you could have something though because we watched that movie the Secretary together and it had a positive effect on him.

I need to tell him how I feel but its not easy! Its even more frustrating for me now though because I have come off my contraceptive pill and my sex drive has went through the roof! I wondered where it had gone! Anyway, needless to say, I am now having wilder fantasies than ever so its becoming a problem.

Any more suggestions greatly appreciated.

 

[Rockitballs]

Easier said than done

Try to make him feel much more comfortable with the situation. Some people were raised with messed up beliefs that sex beyond missionary position is wrong.

Different sexual desires are another trait that is unique to each human, try to make him feel comfortable with your wants and be willing to try things out his way every once in awhile.

 

[tan43215]

any movie suggestions for him tan? We haven't ever watched porn together and so comes the embarrassment again! I think you could have something though because we watched that movie the Secretary together and it had a positive effect on him.

I need to tell him how I feel but its not easy! Its even more frustrating for me now though because I have come off my contraceptive pill and my sex drive has went through the roof! I wondered where it had gone! Anyway, needless to say, I am now having wilder fantasies than ever so its becoming a problem.

Any more suggestions greatly appreciated.

go to redtube and find the clips you need (dont forget to clear you web history in case you change your mind) you will be able to see the reaction - you seem like a sweet loving person - break him in slowly.
and remember every man wants the same thing, a lady in public and a crazy whore in bed

 

[tiedupsub]

thanks for advice, I don't actually think he is dead against it, I do think he would enjoy it and we were a bit more kinky at the start of our relationship. I just don't know how to approach the subject!

Wish me luck!

 

[satindesire]

thanks for advice, I don't actually think he is dead against it, I do think he would enjoy it and we were a bit more kinky at the start of our relationship. I just don't know how to approach the subject!

Wish me luck!

Well, here's the deal. A lot of people don't really understand what a person means when they say they want "kinky" sex, or want to be "submissive". They get ideas in their head from what they've seen on TV or in movies, which we know isn't exactly the most realistic view of what BDSM activities are like. So, they have a negative preconceived idea about what you're asking for.

You're already sleeping with him, and already in a relationship with him so you can't be THAT uncomfortable talking about sex with him. You're GOING to have to tell him EXACTLY what you want, because he obviously can't read your mind. The problem with being embarrassed about talking about your desires is the fact that you're basically relying on him to "just get it", and unfortunately, reality doesn't work that way, sweetheart.

I know it can be difficult putting it into -words- but you CAN do other things, like write him a letter! You can fill out one of the wonderful BDSM checklists online and have him read it so he has a better idea of what you're wanting (BDSM checklist link: http://www.thebrc.net/check_list/default.htm )

Most of the time, a vanilla partner would be MORE than happy to accommodate their kinky partners desires and fantasies if they had a very clear and precise picture of what their partners really want. Saying "I want to be submissive to you." doesn't really tell them anything, and the human imagination is a place rife for scary ideas if you aren't direct. Be clear, VERY CLEAR. Be so clear you sound like you're trying to teach it to a ten year old, because vanilla people may not understand terms like "Breath Play" and "Safe Word", and you may have to answer a lot of questions afterward if you don't.

 

[tiedupsub]

that sounds good advice satin. Your right, I don't feel uncomfortable talking to him about anything else, and I know he's not going to turn round and say I'm off my head so I don't know whats been holding me back. He is out of the country for the next month working so I'm definitely going to approach it when he comes back. I can lead up to it with some kinky talk in emails.

I might get some light hearted toys as well, just as a starter to see how he reacts?

thanks

 

[niv78]

If you do want to go the movie route, I suggest Secretary.

 

[satindesire]

that sounds good advice satin. Your right, I don't feel uncomfortable talking to him about anything else, and I know he's not going to turn round and say I'm off my head so I don't know whats been holding me back. He is out of the country for the next month working so I'm definitely going to approach it when he comes back. I can lead up to it with some kinky talk in emails.

I might get some light hearted toys as well, just as a starter to see how he reacts?

thanks

I think you should probably get the toys, like a little starter bondage kit (wrist restraints, light stuff) but talk to him FIRST before just breaking them out. Until he has a solid idea about what you want, he'll just be intimidated and put off by the toys.

 

[Nataliefun41]

He might have low self confidence sexually. Try building him up. Praise his skills then lead him to a new thing you like and praise him for that. Go slow and communicate. I think he will open up

 

[tiedupsub]

thanks Mr Ron, I think getting the secretary again would be a good idea, he knows it turned me on last time so it should give him a hint! It is hard to talk to him about it, I wish it wasnt though. My previous bf and I were so open about it and talked about it all the time which was great but I don't want my fiance to feel bad so he doesn't know anything about my previous sex life.

 

[Gaslamp_Society]

hey, we live in a post-feminism period where men now see gender roles differently than what they were just a few decades ago. we are raised to not hurt women, be gentlemen...and not be douchebag assholes to women who are now socially accepted to be equals in the household an at the workplace. so, to rough it up in bed might go against our new modern principles. COMMUNICATION, in this instance is vital! don't assume that your man knows what you need and sure as hell don't beat him up for being cluless...because we are now in the era of the frigid-male. talk to him about your fantasies...and vice-versa...remove those barriers to communication. also, working on your erotic talk will work wonders...encourage him to fuck the shit out of you, and you will see the animal come alive! you may desire him to initiate sex, but already he probably is already cross-wired between his own animal desires, and the modern male attitude of being gentle...if you enourage him into the dark side, then he'll probably start initiating more often if you show that you welcome his animal manliness and don't always want the bed-of-roses bullshit. trust me, men wanna do the shit they see in porn, and only fail to do that with their wives/girlfriends is because they don't wanna do something you don't want. that's why communication is vital...don't leave anything to chance, talk it through, encourage each other...because insecurity and fear dwells in those communication gaps.

 

[subwannabe]

Doesn't sound like you want my suggestion but if he can't make you feel the way you want to feel you will not be happy in the long run. Sometimes sexual compatibility is more important than people realize.

 

[bountifulmimi]

Umm this might be a little late to give you the advice your looking for - but here goes - I was in a very similar situation to you -

I got drunk one night (good for the courage) and called his mobile woke him up in the middle of the night - I told him that I love our sexual relationship but I wanted more.

I told him that I enjoy reading erotic literature and the stories that turn me on the most are about being submissive. He was quite for a while (that might be due to being woken in the middle of the night though)..

he said ok!.. so I picked out memories in our relationship that indicated what I was talking about - eg like the time you spanked me hard on the ass etc etc

It can even be as small as - that time we went to the Greek restaurant and you ordered for me and told me what to eat - doing this got him more engaged with the whole thing, because he pictured himself in those moments with a recognisable situation that he can relate to.

To finish it all off I sent him a link via email of my favorite story from Lit.

It works!!! good luck