having an affair

[Guest]

hi everyone.

have read all the advice on various topics so i thought i might throw mine in for a bit of discussion.

im getting married in 2 months to a lovely guy, and last night i stayed over with a guy from work. he did things to me that i never reckoned were possible!

Me and my affair have fancied each other for a while, he has a girlfriend too, but sex last night just took me to another level, almost as if we were one another.

Now, i love (and fancy) my fiance, but he is quite inexperienced and i sometimes feel like i cant be bothered to give up the time to what is usually a one sided (but not intentionally) sexual intercourse.

so what am i asking? i dont really know. i like the guy im having an affair with, but know i wouldnt want a relationship with him. just a bit of advice from people whove been in my situation, or of either of the blokes situations. let me know what to expect.

cheers in advance guys
xxxx

 

[coolr]

my 2 cents

don't get married......sex is a huge part of any marriage, and if you already don't like it, what do you think it's gonna be like 10 or 20 years down the road.....maybe just play mistress with your "lover", it's not worth tying the knot on what already seems like a doomed relationship.

 

[CHEWEY]

RE: Having an affair

Let me see if I got this right? You love your fianace, but he doesn't satisfy you in bed? You said he doesn't have alot of experience but are ya willing to help him, get you off? You said you were still planning on getting married? How many affairs are ya planning on having? Take a little more time and decide what you want, no sense ruining two lives! If you don't think you are worth being first, keep playing with the guy at work. Maybe introduce his girlfriend to your fiance, sounds to me like they are the true "victims". Marriage is based on trust and respect. Honey sounds like you need to live a little more first!

 

[Guest]

cheers guys, appreciate you taking time out. dont know what I'll do but it's good to get some impartial opinions. your both great

xxxx

 

[Different Guy]

At the end of the day sex is sex

That's all it sounds as though your affair is giving you

However, you've been unfaithful to the one you want to marry and shouldn't marry him

 

[Intense]

You really owe it to your self to not settle. Take it from someone who has been there. If you don't have sexual compatability you are not compatable on many many more levels. Take a minute to ask your self what they are. Because, there is no such thing as "just sex" in real life.

 

[Random Variable]

If you love him, marry him. Just make sure you aren't fooling yourself. I have a sinking feeling you are. There must be a reason you are having an affair--almost like you just don't quite want to give up being single. What you should be feeling is "Dear God, I can't live without him!"

That being said.....

I agree with the post that if you aren't compatible sexually, there's probably more to it than that.

But being incompatible and being inexperienced are two very different things. He may be simply inexperienced, in which case you have a golden opportunity to create your dream lover.

My suggestion is that you tell him what you want. You can do this directly at dinner after a glass of wine. But if this is hard to do, get a sex manual book, paperclip the pages and ask him to read them. (or even mail it to him). Put a little smiley face, a little devil face, a little rose or other icons on specific pages.

If he doesn't do anything, drop him. It means he won't give you what you need in or out of bed. You will start having affairs and you may ruin your life or his. At a minimum you will waste time; at a maximum you or he will commit suicide (and it will be your fault for not being mature enough to make sure you are getting what you need, as well as his fault--I have seen this).

If you think he wants to do what you want/need but is shy, you can say, "Joe, seen any smiley faces (devils, roses) lately?" after a couple glasses of wine.
See what he does.

As for having an affair just before marriage, a lot of women do that.

Get what you need. Ask for it. Do it now--before you are married!

Let us (or at least me) know how it works out.
Best wishes,
R.V.

 

[sport]

To start a marriage, you need trust and you have provin that you can not be trusted. You really need to think about what you are getting into when you get married. I think you would have 2 pissed people if they both found out. You should take the time to teach him what you want, that would be great for you in the future to have someone that knows everything you like in a lover.
I have been married 25 years and its great.

 

[Tribbin]

Something to think about

I don't know if anyone has mentioned it yet, but if you do get married to this guy, are you going to tell him about this fling that you just had? Mind you this is only what I think, but you should talk to him before you get married about this. He might not want to get married to you anymore. Trust is a big part of a relationship and if he can't trust you anymore, you won't have a good marriage, no matter how much you love eachother.

One more thing. This was just an idea in passing. Have you thought about trying to get your fianace, the guy from work, his girlfriend, and yourself together? It might be a fun way for your fiance to get to know what you like, and a way that you can have fun too.

Just a thought.

Trib

 

[cherrylips_au]

Taiyin you sound young so don't rush into anything. If all thats worrying you is that your fiance is inexperience then learn together. If you are unsure of your feelings delay the wedding.
I know I had a lot of guys tried to get me to sleep with them before I got married just because they knew I was out of reach, don't let that ruin a relationship.
In regards to telling your fiance thats up to you, don't tell him just because you can't live with the guilt, think about how you would feel if it was the other way around.
Marriage is based on honesty, trust and good communication. I do think it would be a good idea to have an open discussion about how your feeling.
It does make me wonder about your relationship when you describe sex as something you can't be bother to give up the time to what is usually a one sided ( but not intentional) sexual intercourse. Why don't you tell him what you like, what you want, what you need. Teach and learn together.
Good luck I hope things work out for you both.

 

[schatz]

Bottom line...don't get married. If it too much of a bother for you to teach your hubby to be a thing or two about sex, then you are not ready for a commitment. Much better to break it off with him now and simply break his heart than having him catch you cheating later down the line and feeling like you ripped his heart out and danced a flamenco all over it.

 

[Guest]

first of all thank you SO much for taking the time to give me advice, I really appreciate it.

I have listened very carefully (and laughed at some bits, a foursome? god that would be interesting!) and this is what is going to happen.

Guilt is bad. however, passing my guilt on to my fiancee because I havent got the guts to live with the decision I made is not something I am prepared to do.

The relationship I have with him is worth more to me than anything else in the world. this has underlined that for me. the general bedroom ennui is something that has pervaded every aspect of our life together. we dont do anything and then expect everything to be ok. this is something we had a long and very tearful discussion about today, we have even spring cleaned the flat as a fresh start!

As for the guy I slept with, i realise now that the complacency in the relationship that we had settled into made it EXTREMELY easy for someone else to come in and distract me. No excuse I know, but it makes it a bit easier for me to understand. As for why he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend, I have no idea.

We've decided to put the wedding off until we're a bit surer in our relationship, but I know I love him.

Thank You all so much, i know where to come next time I have a trauma! cheers,
xxxxxx

 

[Damhez]

affairs

I would as to you

Hold off on getting married, you need to find out what you want first it seems. Do you want to have sex, love or both? These two men each give you one or the other it seems but not both.

Good sex can be learned. Your hubby to be can be schooled in the ways of maken love, or freaking depending on what you want.

But what ever you do, have enough respect for yourself and your hubby to be, not to marry until you can be only with him, and be happy about it.

D
Poor speller, great lover

 

[Cierra_Dessert]

Posted by taiyin

As for why he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend, I have no idea.

The question is, why would you want to cheat on your fianace?

Sometimes people use the word love a little to loosely. If you truly love someone, how can you possible even think of cheating on that person, let alone do it? A relationship should be based on total trust and honesty. The kind where there is no doubt in either one's mind, as a matter of fact, the subject should never have to come up.

I don't know, is it just me?

Another question I have, is why is it OK not to tell him what you've been up to? I think he should be told, maybe he doesn't want to marry you when he finds out. How would you feel if after you were married you found out he had a fling on the side?

IMO, the bottom line is, cheating on a person is a deceitful act, not only because you are cheating, but because it isn't fair the other person is unaware of the situation. They should be told, and the other person must face the consequences.

 

[sweetlittleass]

As a married woman, who has had a number of affairs (I know, I know, I'm eeeevil - so everyone can keep their comments to themselves)...

Don't get married... I was in the same situation as you. My husband was a virgin when we got together, I had previous experience with other men and he knew it. We were doing well together - but I had to teach him everything. I started having an affair with an older (also married) man who I didn't have to teach, who was secure about what he was doing and didn't keep asking me "does this feel good?" about everything he did.

My husband is very good at pleasing me in bed, and knows what I like, but lacks imagination, and is always asking me questions - the same thing all the time. I thought it would change, but it hasn't. And it certainly doesn't help that his sex drive is low while mine is high... I'd love to have sex everyday, but he just isn't interested.

I do love my husband and we will be together forever, we have had many conversations about sex, our sex lives and what I want, but we just can't meet at a common ground.

I've recently found a man in a nearby town that I hope I will be able to continue seeing on occassion - he gives me what I want (and hopefully I give him what he wants!).

Now I'm rambling and probably not making a whole lot of sense, but I think if I had to do it all over again, I might not have gotten married - but if the 2 of you can discuss candidly everything, see if you can meet at the common ground that we can't.

Hope everything works out for you!


Baby

 

[peeeepers]

Sex is part of the glue that holds a marriage together along with being best friends, handling finances, and children (if there are any). When you feel that daily pressures of life are pulling you both apart, the intimacy of making love bring you back together. When you really love each other you will really try to please each other. Keep telling your man how to please you and ask him what he likes too. After 24 years, my sexlife with the same man is better than ever because we care enough to please each other and occasionally try new things to spice it up. A relationship takes effort and cheating on the man you are about to marry doesn't show much committment. Be very sure that you are committed because marriage is supposed to be for life.

 

[Vinny]

Town?

As a married woman, who has had a number of affairs (I know, I know, I'm eeeevil - so everyone can keep their comments to themselves)...

Don't get married... I was in the same situation as you. My husband was a virgin when we got together, I had previous experience with other men and he knew it. We were doing well together - but I had to teach him everything. I started having an affair with an older (also married) man who I didn't have to teach, who was secure about what he was doing and didn't keep asking me "does this feel good?" about everything he did.

My husband is very good at pleasing me in bed, and knows what I like, but lacks imagination, and is always asking me questions - the same thing all the time. I thought it would change, but it hasn't. And it certainly doesn't help that his sex drive is low while mine is high... I'd love to have sex everyday, but he just isn't interested.

I do love my husband and we will be together forever, we have had many conversations about sex, our sex lives and what I want, but we just can't meet at a common ground.

I've recently found a man in a nearby town that I hope I will be able to continue seeing on occassion - he gives me what I want (and hopefully I give him what he wants!).

Now I'm rambling and probably not making a whole lot of sense, but I think if I had to do it all over again, I might not have gotten married - but if the 2 of you can discuss candidly everything, see if you can meet at the common ground that we can't.

Hope everything works out for you!


Baby

I need to find out what town you live in <wink>

 

[sweetlittleass]

Ask the right question...

Vinny...

ask the right question and get the answer - I'm in BC in Canada - we have a few states in between us - do you do any travelling in a Northerly direction?


Baby

 

[Vinny]

Yes

I grew up in NYC so go up there alot. BTW, you have email

 

[huskie]

sweetlittleass
You must have tons of energy? Does your husban know of all these other affairs and approves?? It's not to uncommon.
You husbans low sex drive? I assume he has tried some of the many things out on the market to boost it?

I take ginsyng every day and zink. I'm 35 and still going strong. Of course sex is 90% mental and 10% physical??
Cheating on your spouse? Ya, I'v thought about it.... who hasn't fantisized about it? But you know, for me anyway, not only would I not cheat on my wife for all the above posted readings, but it's just to much damn trouble. All the sneaking around, coving your trail, and communicating?????/ God all the work it must take?

huskie (just my opinion)