have you ever felt so alone in this whole big world?

[Savage Kitten]

i'm really sorry to burden you all with this but i knew if there was anywhere i could go to spill my guts Literotica was the place....

to be honest... i'm pretty sure this will be the only way i'll ever stop crying and get to sleep tonite.. so here goes...

reality has reared its ugly head and slapped me square in the face. i've been dodging it forever it seems but one can only run for so long. in the 4 years that i have been independent and single i have grown a lot. i've told myself that i was being strong... that i was being true to myself.... that i could survive without a man... the truth is ... i am all alone in the whole big world... no one will have me.. i won't/can't let them... i tried once.. tried hard to make it work but i failed... i failed myself my husband my children and my marriage

it didn't take him long to recoop... he moved in with a girl a couple months after our divorce.. it really never bothered me.... she's a real piece of trailor park trash... mean as hell and so money hungry she roots at it like a sow in heat. she's aborted his child twice now just to keep him... her own 14yr old has ran away from home and been in trouble with the police so many times its unreal.. my ex and his g-friend are always fighting and breaking up... i actually laugh about it at times... its what he deserves.. well maybe more than he deserves even...

so.. this weekend my daughters r with him... and i am alone... nobody special... no one to hang out with.... my oldest called me saturday to inform me her dad's g-friend moved in with him.. needless to say she was very unhappy.. today she called to let me know she is gonna have a new sister or brother soon.. seems its due the day b4 her birthday... i was thinking about this and it hit me like a ton of bricks.... my ex husband is having a child and its not mine... my children will have a sibling that is no relation to me.... i know i don't love him... and couldn't if i tried... so why does this bother me so bad? i feel like it emphasizes my "aloneness". why was it so easy for him to start over again? so easy for him to find someone to love him? he bends over backwards for her while he could never even look backwards to see me.... he will have a new family which includes my girls.. and i am still me....

i dunno what is wrong with me? i want a man in my life so bad.. i want someone to hold and to love and to cherish.... just the chance to see what it is like.. to be worthy.... to not be alone.... i hate him so much... i want to blame him for making me this way but it so obvious... its not his fault.. he couldn't love me.. and so far no one else can either.... oh gawd.. i feel like i am in a blackhole .. tonite i have cried like i have never cried before.... always to afraid to let someone see me be weak... small tears or a soft sob... only what was able to leak out before i controlled it... but tonite... with no one to see or hear... i have cried so hard i felt like my heart was exploding.. gut wrenching sobs which have literally made me sick.... reality has shown me that i am not alone because i am strong.. or because i am proving to the world that i can be independent... i am alone because what i want the most is not possible for me....

i wished i knew how to fix what is wrong

 

[cap in hand]

((((((((Savage Kitten))))))))

 

[Guest]

 

[Sillyman]

Don't worry. It will get better and you'll find someone. I'm sure you did the best you could with your marriage. Don't give up hope yet.

 

[Laurel]

((hugs))

Everyone feels that way at some point, pretty lady. It's not a failing on your part. You're human - and a wonderful, lovely, loving human at that. Don't let the way jerks treat you affect your feelings of self-worth, because you're a worthy, loveable person. Do you have any RL friends who you're comfortable talking to that would help? It sounds like you need a real flesh & blood hug & a real ear, not just typed words on a screen.

 

[JazzManJim]

You are nothing short of a wonderful woman, in all the times we've swapped messages. You know you can always find me if you need me.

I've been where you are, hon. I do know there's a way out of it.

 

[Debbie]

*Hug* Savage Kitten, where have you been hiding, sweetie.
You have been missed in the poetry forum.

You are WORTHY and the right person will come along.
I feel your pain and any words I type will not make things
all better. I wish they could.
All I can tell you in my experience is I needed to be on my
own after a nasty marriage. I wan't looking and a wonderful person came into my life. But I didn't think I deserved him.
I doubted myself after my first bad marriage.
Now I know I had to be on my own and find my place in life. To grow as a person and become my own person.
IMHO? I have read your posts and admired you as a kind person with a warm heart.
I am sorry you are hurting.
We are only human though love. Only human, full of emotions and feelings. You are not weak by showing those feelings not at all. It takes strength to admit your feelings, to be open, honest and vulnerable.

PM me if you want to chat of if I can help in anyway.

 

[lickerish]

Jesus Christ, I feel like I could have written this myself.. word for word. (except for the marriage part, we only got up to being engaged).

I can relate to the loneliness.

I can relate the feeling about him having another kid, and it not being yours too. (this kicked my ass for over a year)

I can relate the part where he moved on too quickly after the break up.

Yup, I've certainly been there.

Sweetie, you are a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman, and you are one of the woman I admire here.

I've been dealing with the 'sans boyfriend' thing here for 4 or 5 years now, it's been so long I've lost count... but I do know that you will get through this period in your life. It will be hard sometimes, but you have to deal with it. Don't let your past sabotage your future.. not all men are like your stinkin' ex. That's one thing I had to learn. Everything will be okay, you just have to look at everything with a lil' different perspective and move on (I know, easier said than done).


I'm here for you. We are all here for you.

 

[weed]

I can relate to loneliness (even in a house full of people)

Hang in there....sometime things happen when you don't expect and you'll find yourself opening to another like a flower.