have more fun in bed?

[Psia]

I'm looking for advice on how to get my husband revved up in bed. He's more than a bit of a limp noodle. He is working on initiating sex more often, but seriously, if I didn't initiate it would be once a month or less. Then in bed, he's very mechanical. I was just reading a thread in the cafe about what men should not do in bed, and the nots are his playlist. Very little kissing, 8th grade kind of breast touching and the moment I am wet enough for intercourse he's in there (unless I tell him I'm not ready yet and then he gets all pouty). The other thing he does is once we get started he rolls over on his back and puts his hands behind his head. Umm...hello? I'm not servicing you, you don't get to just lay there completely still and have me "perform." (Again, if I ask him to touch me or try to playfully put his hand on my breast he acts like I slapped him or something). He doesn't seem to have a lot of concern about my pleasure or even a good feel for if I'm enjoying it. I don't even really enjoy sex with him, I love him and want to do it because it damn well seems like practice should help!

Things used to be better, he was more into it and actually verbalized his desire for me to enjoy lovemaking. After we were married (like a month!) it all went to hell. Part of me thinks he's picked up this porn mentality that I'm supposed to please him or something (and I have reasons to believe that). I've tried to educate him that porn sex is pretend sex (you know, like how Kermit and Miss Piggy aren't real, they're puppets) and get him to cut down on the porn, but I still believe that that mentality is there.

I just want him to act enthusiastic about sex even if the technical aspects are not his strengths. It's no fun making love to a limp noodle.

I love him and won't leave him, but you know, I'd enjoy sex with someone who acted like they wanted to have sex with me. Lately, I find that I get excited when a man flirts with me at the grocery store or at a bar or whatever. It never really had that effect on me before.

Any advice? I'm trying hard to just pump up the excitement on my end (without faking it) hoping that he'll reciprocate but I'm not having much luck so far.

 

[silverwhisper]

that stinks, psia. is it possible that there are other factors at play (stress, just plain fatigue) that are complicating things as well? also, how long has this been the case? i'm wondering if perhaps he's just in a funk of some kind.

ed

 

[Psia]

It does suck! It's been going on for a few years. It gets better sometimes and then worse again. I'm not sure what the difference is between the better times and the worse times. I'm the one who works the most and does all the housework/pays bills and stuff, so I doubt that he's stressed. He's not even really the type to get stressed. That might be part of the problem. He's never stressed, he's never angry, he's never excited...he just is. It's nice that he's stable, but come on!

 

[hydrex]

It does suck! It's been going on for a few years. It gets better sometimes and then worse again. I'm not sure what the difference is between the better times and the worse times. I'm the one who works the most and does all the housework/pays bills and stuff, so I doubt that he's stressed. He's not even really the type to get stressed. That might be part of the problem. He's never stressed, he's never angry, he's never excited...he just is. It's nice that he's stable, but come on!

so are you ignoring my av question?

 

[Psia]

No, I just sent you a message.

 

[Jayzzzy]

I was the uninterested party after 20 years of being together....... I had no opinion one way or the other, if he wanted to have sex, sure let's have sex but I was mostly goning through the motions and after a while he could tell....we knew we needed to do something....we talked, argued, laughed, pouted and finally agrred to do something....well, now I am all for sex.......our sex lives have never been better I am more open now and willing to express what I like and want to do......so what worked for us??????.........I am lucky enough to have a 24 year old hot stud that we have been invovled in MMF for 7 mos now. I think I just needed a kick start....the sex with the 24yr old is super hot.....but the sex with my SO is better that ever........hope this helps, you jsut have to start looking for something to get his attention again....good luck

 

[silverwhisper]

is he taking any kind of medication--i understand that some medications, such as paxil, will kill a libido.

have you already tried discussing this with him in the past? if yes, then can you glean anything useful from that experience? if no, i'd recommend broaching the topic, ideally at a non-sexual moment. heck, maybe get some candida royale or other stuff.

another thought: is he generally not a very emotional person, or just in this particular way?

ed

 

[Psia]

is he taking any kind of medication--i understand that some medications, such as paxil, will kill a libido.

have you already tried discussing this with him in the past? if yes, then can you glean anything useful from that experience? if no, i'd recommend broaching the topic, ideally at a non-sexual moment. heck, maybe get some candida royale or other stuff.

another thought: is he generally not a very emotional person, or just in this particular way?

ed

Good ideas, silverwhisperer. He's not on any medication, but that was a good strategy. He probably is not the healthiest person in the world. Not overweight, but doesn't eat well take vitamins or exercise. Now that you mention it, I think sex was hotter when he was less of a couch potato. Exercise gets the blood pumping...

We've tried talking about it, but it is so difficult. I'm a psychologist and so it's hard to bring up shit without him feeling like I'm "analyzing" him or something. I'm trying to approach it more casually and not make it a big confrontation because I don't think confrontation is going to lead to hot sex.

He's just not very emotional. He really loves me and our son and is great with him and plays excited with the kiddo, but outside of that not much ruffles his feathers one way or another.

Candida royale sounds like a good idea!

 

[hydrex]

No, I just sent you a message.

got it.

 

[Psia]

MMF would work for me!

I don't know if it would do anything for him. He'd probably like FFM, but I'm not interested in that. Not because I don't want a woman, I just think if I were to be with a woman, I'd want to focus on that and not have a man there acting like he won the lottery.

 

[silverwhisper]

psia:

i'm glad i was able to suggest something you might find useful. :> and i have to say that, as a married man myself, i would have exactly that reaction myself. i like to think that i'm in touch w/ my inner pig.

that said: while i know that the "i have a friend who [description of phenomenon]" thing is transparent, do you have any professional colleagues (whose insight you respect) you could consult, or is that a barrier you don't wish to cross?

ed

 

[SweetErika]

Good ideas, silverwhisperer. He's not on any medication, but that was a good strategy. He probably is not the healthiest person in the world. Not overweight, but doesn't eat well take vitamins or exercise. Now that you mention it, I think sex was hotter when he was less of a couch potato. Exercise gets the blood pumping...

We've tried talking about it, but it is so difficult. I'm a psychologist and so it's hard to bring up shit without him feeling like I'm "analyzing" him or something. I'm trying to approach it more casually and not make it a big confrontation because I don't think confrontation is going to lead to hot sex.

He's just not very emotional. He really loves me and our son and is great with him and plays excited with the kiddo, but outside of that not much ruffles his feathers one way or another.

Candida royale sounds like a good idea!

I know it's not a funny situation, but your first post certainly gave me a chuckle...great sense of humor!

He sounds a little like my husband, so I'm wondering if some of the things we've done might work for you. First, I had to get it across that sex was really important to me, like a top priority, because I think a lot of men are list-oriented, if that makes any sense. There wasn't a confrontation or any arguing, I just told him that it was extremely important to me and our relationship, and asked if he'd be willing to work on it with me.

Then I started bringing it into everyday conversation...asking him what he thought about things I had seen here, and asking if he'd like to experiment with it next time. I think this step was critical because it:
-made both of us think and get more excited about sex in general
-gave us a good reason to do it more frequently
-kind of forced us out of the rut/routine
-put us into a cooperative, learning mindset (and he started listening and responding to me)
-gave us a fresh start...we'd been doing the same things for so long, I think both of us were apprehensive about changing, giving feedback, etc.

We also bought some new toys and made an effort to be more affectionate and sexual all of the time. None of this was premeditated on my part, and frankly, I didn't expect much of a change and am still shocked at how everything turned around in a few months with little effort.

 

[BigM]

Psia, You've struck fear in my heart! What 'thread in cafe' are you talking about? (I went to the general board but didn't see it.) I need to scutinize this list of no-nos to see what mistakes I'm making.

Good luck with your husband, by the way. Personally, I always have an extra glass of wine before my wife and I go to bed. (I'm easy and cheap.) It helps bring out the tiger in me, and doctors say it also helps keep my blood thin -- a bonus!

 

[Luv2PleasureF]

MMF would work for me!

I don't know if it would do anything for him. He'd probably like FFM, but I'm not interested in that. Not because I don't want a woman, I just think if I were to be with a woman, I'd want to focus on that and not have a man there acting like he won the lottery.

And to tell you the truth, as a guy, he probably would react that way.
But even in the long run, I don't know if that would help him or not.

Stereotypically speaking, we're taught that guys are all horn-dogs, and women are... well, hmm... "selective". Trying to think of the right way to say it... OK, maybe that women's sex drive comes more from the emotional attachment than simply being "horny". The truth, of course, is far from that, on both sides of the coin.

Personally, my libido, or sex-drive is off the charts high. And because my biggest turn on is my SO's pleasure, she's actually "complained" (if you can call it that, not really) that I won't let her do enough! But I've known some guys that are like you describe your SO to be, and honestly, the best advice I can come up with is one of two things:

1) Take a more dominant role in things... don't ask what you want him to do, just "make" him do it! Grab his head, pull it to your breasts, between your legs, grab his hair and get a little animalistic on him... If he lays on his back and puts his hands behind his head, plop down on his face! Get selfish with him! It may just be the biggest turn-on he's experienced, and kick-start his libido. Other than that, the only other thing I can suggest is...

2) Slip him some Viagra, and then play hard-to-get.

Best of luck!

 

[Guest]

Personally, my libido, or sex-drive is off the charts high. And because my biggest turn on is my SO's pleasure, she's actually "complained" (if you can call it that, not really) that I won't let her do enough! But I've known some guys that are like you describe your SO to be, and honestly, the best advice I can come up with is one of two things

Complained?? Complained???

You're full of it

 

[silverwhisper]

i don't know: my wife complains i go down on her for too long, so i could see it.

ed

 

[Guest]

i don't know: my wife complains i go down on her for too long, so i could see it.

ed

Luv2PleasureF is getting an ego, and will be getting a payback tonight!

 

[spyro1123]

Porn sex isnt real!!! Come on, next you are going to tell me pro wreastling is fake

I am not sure what porn you have seen where the guy just lies there. They are always grabbing thrusting ect.

I agree with the advice about telling him how important good sex is to you. I am sure you know all about those "I" statements 'n stuff for that. Also share with him that you aren't enjoying things, most people will beat around the bush because they dont want to hurt the other person. Try to keep it fron being acusitory but more a shareing of feelings.

I think the porn might not be a bad sign, at least he is able to be aroused. Maybe you could watch it together as research, point out to him things you would like to try, touches he can emulate.

And does he enjoy things the way they are, if he says so, does he know its safe to say that he isnt happy either?

 

[Guest]

i don't know: my wife complains i go down on her for too long, so i could see it.

ed

Luv2 just found my G-spot about a month ago. It drives me crazy, BUT complain??? Nah, I'm just frustrated that I can't squirt, and keep getting up, wanting to go pee..hee.

I'm leaving in about an hour to go see him, and since he's got such an ego over this, I'm thinking about bringing some rope. We'll see who's complaining

And after I tie him up and tease him with a feather all over, and kisses, I should just leave him there, begging to get to me as I shove my tits and ass in his face without allowing him to touch. He'll be tied up =)

Hmm, maybe I should masturbate infront of him then go home

 

[browntigerus]

Buy/rent some "videos"... Tell him you want to watch 'em with him.

Touch & kiss, don't allow him to go "mechanical" on you, say
something like you are interseted in the story line.

I think I gave away to much of my wife secrets

Brown Tiger

 

[Psia]

Thanks, everyone. I've been dying to get home from work to check this thread!

I especially like the slip him some viagra and play hard to get suggestion.

Not that I would ever do that, of course.

 

[Halo_n_horns]

Things used to be better, he was more into it and actually verbalized his desire for me to enjoy lovemaking. After we were married (like a month!) it all went to hell. Part of me thinks he's picked up this porn mentality that I'm supposed to please him or something (and I have reasons to believe that). I've tried to educate him that porn sex is pretend sex (you know, like how Kermit and Miss Piggy aren't real, they're puppets) and get him to cut down on the porn, but I still believe that that mentality is there.

There's the goof right there. Too many women think that "porn sex" is just make believe. It's not. Unless computer effects were used. It's tremendous fun for both people if both people are willing to have fun with it. There's no two ways about that.

"Love making" is something that can be just as much a part of "porn sex" as porn sex can be of love making, if you allow it to be.

I went through some stuff like you're describing with my wife some time back. The simple truth is that as soon as you started downplaying his "porn sex" desires you stomped on his ego and choked off his sex drive at the same time. Men who are into the adventurous sex that they see in porn do not view it as just fantasy. If we can see another living man doing it, then we know it's possible, and probably fun. If we see another living woman doing it, then we figure that we can probably do it with our significant other as well.

Basically, as soon as you took away his fantasies of really enthusiastic, no holds barred, monkey lovin', sweat drippin', bodies pumpin', twistin' and contorting and no holes off limits sex, all you left him with for options was what you're currently getting.

Why should he be enthusiastic about sex with a woman who is more willing to dismiss his fantasies than embrace them???

Don't forget that mens' minds compartmentalize, while womens' minds meld and mesh. We can, and do, seperate physical, visual and emotional pleasure from one another without any hesitation. Then we mix them as we see fit if we choose to mix them at all.

You want your romantic/sexual fulfillment. He wants his ego/sexual fullfilment. Neither of you are going to get what you want until both of you figure out how to give what the other wants.

And whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of emotional/sexual score keeping. You'll lose one another over that crap. Basically, you want, need and desire what you want, need and desire and he should be perfectly willing to give that to you freely, without expectation of some sort of reimbersment.

The same goes for him from you.

Have your hubby read this. I'd love to hear what he says about it.

 

[miss_kate]

What a dick! Porn schmorn- nothing is better than the real thing.

TAKE THE POOR BLOKE TO SEX CLASS, or purchase some goodies from the sex shop to rev up his appetite.

If its porn he wants- you could attempt to do the whole dress-up thang. It might even encourage his lazy paws to touch you (shock horror!)

Or....

Maybe you could starve him sexually, and see what happens and how long it takes him to come crawling back.

You may have to seek alternative means of pleasure for the sex-famine- but hey, batteries are fun!

 

[Halo_n_horns]

What a dick! Porn schmorn- nothing is better than the real thing.

TAKE THE POOR BLOKE TO SEX CLASS, or purchase some goodies from the sex shop to rev up his appetite.

If its porn he wants- you could attempt to do the whole dress-up thang. It might even encourage his lazy paws to touch you (shock horror!)

Or....

Maybe you could starve him sexually, and see what happens and how long it takes him to come crawling back.

You may have to seek alternative means of pleasure for the sex-famine- but hey, batteries are fun!

There ya go. Give some really good reasons for him to leave her.

 

[Luv2PleasureF]

Complained?? Complained???

You're full of it

LOL

OK honey, I'll freely admit that "complained" wasn't the right word to use.
I believe what you actually said was something like, "You're so all over me, you won't let me do anything!"

Though I could scarcely imagine what you mean by that, because you sure as hell don't just lie there! Hoo boy, your smile alone is enough to get me throbbing, but what you do to me is nothing less than... oh baby, WOW!!