Hatreds Fetters

[_Land]

Hatreds Fetters

I sit on this couch and wonder why
I feel so helpless alone to try
To sort out my feelings, and my life
Wondering how i caused so much strife
Hurting those that I love the most
Tying them up to my whipping post
And letting my word cut like a knife
I didnt know that this was life
Being hurt and hurting back
Ive started down a one way track
The blocks of bitterness begin to grow
From words of anger, from those I know
Their words are like the frost of winter
Im not one to be a quitter
Now Im first i donte hesitate
To let out bitter words of hate
Im like a fighter in the ring
Throwing punches at the ding
Hoping that I'll win this round
My burning fury unleashed, unbound
Even though i win this fight
Somehow it doesnt feel right
Once again Im the loser
Once again Im the abuser
To live in silence would be better
Then to live in Hatreds Fetters
I want to end this viscious circle
This is not a dress rehearsal
This is real life I live
With whats left I will give
A simple word of gentle kindeness
A word that comes from momentary blindness
Overlooking stinging darts
Looking past them to your hearts
Seeing beauty deep within
i will overlook your sin
Knowing that you are just like me
Trying to find a way to be free

 

[WickedEve]

land, I think this one's pretty good. It has potential. It just needs a little work. I'd start with breaking it into stanzas. This makes it easier to read.

I made a few changes/suggestions to, hopefully, help out the rhythm a little:

Hatred's Fetters

I sit on this couch and wonder why.
I feel so helpless, alone to try.

Sort out my feelings, and my life,
Wondering how I caused this strife.

Hurting those that I love the most,
Tying them up to my whipping post.

Letting my words cut like a knife.
I didn't know that this was life.

Being hurt and hurting back,
I've started down a one way track.

Blocks of bitterness begin to grow
From angry words from those I know.

Their words are like the frost of winter,
But I am never one to be a quitter.

I'm always first; I don't hesitate
To let out bitter words of my hate.

I'm like a fighter in the ring,
Throwing punches at the ding.

Hoping that I'll win this round,
Burning fury unleashed, unbound.

Even though I win this fight,
Somehow it doesn't feel quiet right.

Once again, I am the loser.
Once again, I am the abuser.

To live in silence would be better,
Then to live in Hatred's Fetters.

I want to end this vicious circle.
This is not a dress rehearsal.

This is real life that I live.
With what's left, I will give.

A simple word of gentle kindness.
Word that comes from momentary blindness.

Overlooking stinging darts.
Looking past them to your hearts.

Seeing beauty deep within,
I will overlook your sin.

Knowing that you're just like me,
Trying to find a way to be free.

 

[Rybka]

A few thoughts

I agree about stanzas, but couplets tend to break the flow of most poems, and the rhymes need to be exact, IMHO.

Using WE's version:

Being hurt and hurting back,
I've started down a one way track.

I like "Being hurt and biting back" better.

Their words are like the frost of winter,
But I am never one to be a quitter.

"winter" and "quitter" do not rhyme.

Even though I win this fight,
Somehow it doesn't feel quiet right.

"quiet" should be "quite".

I want to end this vicious circle.
This is not a dress rehearsal.

"circle" and "rehearsal" do no rhyme.



Regards, Rybka

 

[_Land]

Thanks for the Imput

I appreciate the imput, this is unedited yet, i dont usually edit for a long time so i can think about the emotions portrayed, and How i can better reflect that, and i was aware that not all of the rhymes were true, but failed to see an alternate word at the time, any suggestions?