Has anyone had these problems with their Ex?

[Guest]

I need to have a bitch about my ex, and if anyone can offer any suggestions I would be grateful.
We have been separated for over 10 yrs. We have a daughter who is 12. I have full custody, but have let him see her, take her on holidays etc whenever he wanted. He sees her one day a week after school because his weekends are too busy. He pays $50 month in child support. Yes, he does work. I tried to have the child support reviewed but nothing changed. Now he has gotten shitty at me and wont pay half the $160 towards her school camp. Yet he expects to go on the camp with her and has already organised to be the camp cook. Should I stop access, and let HIM take us to court for access times? Do I have to tell her she cant go to camp because her fuckwit father wont help out with the fees? We have had these kind of problems all year, and its starting to REALLY piss me off.
Any suggestions?

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

OMG, I'm so glad I'm over this stage of my life.

My ex was ordered to pay $100 a month, and that was 20 years ago. I think I got about $150 out of him for the whole 8 years she lived with me. After that, she was sure she wanted to live with her dad. After that, I paid him child support and 1/2 of all medical/dental expenses.

Yes, they are assholes.

He eventually proved to her what a pompus ass he was. Her rose colored glasses quickly became clear and she seen him for what he really is.

Yeah, scrape the $$$ it takes to send her to camp. Let her dad keep seeing her. If your daughter is like mine, she's smart enough to catch on that dad isn't helping out like he should be.

JMHO

 

[Guest]

Thanks for the comment....it just sucks that he makes twice the amount of $$$ that I do, and still wants to go for a free holiday...it really makes my blood boil. I just dont understand why he wants to take his anger out on me, and let our daughter suffer.......grrrr...
I cant wait for the day she sees him for what he really is....hopefully that day is drawing nearer...

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

<snip> I just dont understand why he wants to take his anger out on me, and let our daughter suffer.......grrrr...
<snip>

Because, and someone correct me if I'm wrong....

that he believes that you are not spending that $50 on your daughter. He thinks you might blow it on something stupid like food for you or heaven forbid, it might go toward rent. He believes that if he doesn't send it to you, that ONLY you are the one getting hurt by this. He isn't thinking of her. He's thinking of how he can get back at you. Money is usually the only way he can do that...because that is the only control he has over you anymore.

Do I sound jaded and cynical? I am.

 

[Guest]

...He isn't thinking of her. He's thinking of how he can get back at you. Money is usually the only way he can do that...because that is the only control he has over you anymore...

He has always tried to control me....and usually I give in to him. I just really feel the need to make a stand against him once and for all. I have had offers from my mother to help with money AND an offer from one of her teachers to pay half for her camp. I feel thankful towards them, but at the same time I feel angry that other ppl are willing to help but her fathers not!??
WTF?

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

He has always tried to control me....and usually I give in to him. I just really feel the need to make a stand against him once and for all. I have had offers from my mother to help with money AND an offer from one of her teachers to pay half for her camp. I feel thankful towards them, but at the same time I feel angry that other ppl are willing to help but her fathers not!??
WTF?

Sweetie, I feel your pain. It seems very unusual for a father not to have an interest in his daughter's own welfare, and by withholding funds, he isn't hurting anyone but her. If her teachers know the situation behind this, and by them knowing he won't cough up the other half of the money needed for her to go, it's going to be quite an embarrassment for him when people find out he could afford it, yet he makes his daughter suffer because he doesn't want to fork it over? I'd let him know that he's only hurting her by doing this and then let him in on the secret that the teachers know also and it should embarrass and humiliate him that he can afford it but won't. I'd shame him. I am the cruise director for guilt trips. Oh wait, no I'm not... that's my mother!

 

[Guest]

Sweetie, I feel your pain. It seems very unusual for a father not to have an interest in his daughter's own welfare, and by withholding funds, he isn't hurting anyone but her.
I'd shame him.
I am the cruise director for guilt trips. Oh wait, no I'm not... that's my mother!

Thanks...I think you made me nearly smile at the thought of him being humiliated!
Before my daughter went to bed she said she wants to write him a letter to tell him she thinks he is being unfair and mean! She doesnt want to say it to his face because of the way he drones on and on....
Smart kid! We may just get throught this!

 

[DragonEyes]

I feel for you. It amazes me that the so-called supporting spouse feels that "maintenance expenses" aren't applicable to his/her children. I'm from Canada and they call child support by its rightful name of "maintenance", but the absent parent just doesn't get it. They will tell people that they wouldn't mind paying if they knew the money was going to the child(ren). Well do they think that the kids don't need light, water, heat, food, clothing, school supplies, and yes, in your case "camp fees"? Wow, and he gets to pay $50.00 a month. I hope for that amount of money his occupation is the order taker at McDonald's, cause he's sure getting away cheap.

Don't lower yourself to his level of stupidity. Care for your child as best you can. Let the adults know the score; they will be quick enough to show contempt for his behaviour. Eventually, this lack of financial support will bite him on the ass and when he wants to have time with his offspring - he will be S.O.L. Life moves on, and kids grow up, and they have the most amazing memories - especially when they feel wronged.

I hope he will be more supportive if your child needs important things that you are unable to solely provide such as orthodontia or college funding. Take heart - this is an age old problem and most people with kids have gone through it. And you can always talk to us.

Hugs.

 

[Mrs Christophe]

a word of advice, don't put your daughter in the middle of this, she unfortunately will learn soon enought her father is a selfish shit. he is trying to punish you through her. don't go to his level, you are better than that. do everything you can for her, clench your teeth when you see him, go in an empty and swear at him by yourself till you start laughing. your daughter will realize when she is older how much sacrificed for her. oh, go get another attorney, that's not enough money in my book, especially if you have full custody

 

[Devilish1]

My ex pays $300 a month for child support for our son.

He has " accidently" given me to much money for support and once i thought he was giving me to much again and didnt say anthing. The following weekend when he was to pay child support he didnt give me the whole thing. I told him he didnt give me enough ( thinking it was a mistake) he said no thats all your getting because i gave you extra last weekend and you didnt give me change.#$%&*(ASSHOLE)!!!!!!

Recently he decided to ask me what size clothes our son is wearing and i told him, he said he was going to buy him some winter clothes. He came back that same weekend with 1 pair of jeans, 1 shirt and 1 outfit like jogging pants with a matching jacket that our son will only get to wear for a few weeks because it was not big enough for ihm to wear it all winter.
He found out the hard way how hard it is to buy clothes with a 6 yr old who HATES trying clothes on and he gave me....... $60 dollars and told me to finish getting his clothes.

He never gives me extra money for our son. he knows i without a job but you think he would be WORRIED about our son, is he getting enough to eat? Is the electric bill paided so our son will have heat and air? You get the picture. But he never gives me extra anymore.

When my parents was divorcing my dad went OUT of his way to make sure our bills was paided and i had plenty of clothes and food.

Ive tried to get the support raised but unless i have a lawyer i cant do it for another 2 yrs.( getting it raised for free by a county laywer or something.....)

My ex knows all we are living on is $300 a month that he gives me. Our house payment is almost that a month!!!!!! But does he give our son any extra? No!
When my ex grandmother died i know he was given $1000 in her will. Did our son see any of that? No! My ex bought him some $100 dollar tires for his damn truck!(Thats $100 a tire).

I dont understand how some men will go out of their way to make sure their kids are taken care of and others dont seem to give a shit???

It takes 2 to bring a child into this world... and takes 2 to take care of them.

 

[lost]

That could have been me starting this thread. I know one thing- don't with hold visitation. Other than that good luck. Mine still isn't paying.

 

[Guest]

 

[Devilish1]

My x sounds a lot like yours


Mine doesnt pay support unless the state finds him and takes it our of his check. He switches jobs for that reason.

He never pays for 1/2 medical. They send it to collection and I end up paying just so the kids can have medical care.

He has called them once in 2 years

seen them once in 4 years

Hates me for leaving him and punishes me by being an ass.

Wont help pay for sports.

Has bought 1 coat for my son 7 ears ago.

Stole my sons socks because they fit his girlfriend.


His girlfriend sold my kids Christmas gifts, that he claims he bought for drugs...

Hasnt sent them even a card in over 4 years.


Believe me, I know how a bad EX can be.

Stole your sons socks cause they fit the gfs feet? Damn thats bad!

My ex is a ass at times but he does pay half the medical bills that comes along, he pays the medical insurance on our son and he does give him something for Christmas and his birthday.

EE, hon how does your kids deal with this??

 

[Guest]

 

[BlondGirl]

I am assuming that the camp fees are sent to you on a sheet of paper dictating the rules and such. Simply put that in an envelope and give it or send it to dad. The ball will be out of your court then. It will be all up to him.

Don't let him play games with you.


And never ever restrict visitation unless there is danger to the child. It will backfire.

I am having problems with my niece right now. Her son is here because of me going to physically drive to get him. I will be returning him. His father lives here in this state and has not seen his kid in one year. On the way to deliver the kiddo back to Mom, we intend to head in the direction of Dad and other family members so the kid can see everybody and vice versa. When I asked Mom (my niece) to discuss this with Dad, she told me that last year was enough visiting and that she wishes I would just skip it.

I told her I had no intention of doing so since I had made that promise.

Her response: "My mom breaks promises all the time. You can too."

I snapped back that I am not a liar. Soooo...we will see.

Now--for my POV, the dad is a MFer who is an alcoholic and very irresponsible and inconsiderate in general. It is doubtful that he will get any benefit whatsoever from seeing his child. I am not doing this for him. I am doing it for my grandnephew. Who, despite his pitiful and damned near worthless parents, deserves a chance to be with each of them, even if I can only provide a bit of that with my limited abilities.

Please don't restrict your daughter from her dad. You never know, he might just grow up someday and they might just have a working relationship that benefits them both. Isn't that what you really want? The best for your daughter? (I know, it is hard. My son met his biological father at my high school reunion. But I still offer him the chance every time I am in town. And this trip will be no exception.)

Summary: Please don't punish your daughter for someone else's behaviours (her dad's).

 

[curvacious]

It took me 24.5 years to realize what a fucking jerk my father is. He did pay child support---probably unwilling since it was automatically taken from his paycheck. Lived with mom up until shortly after 24th b-day then lived with him since he was near the school i decided to go to. Came home one night all drunk and said he was tired of helping his daughters. From then I new he was a jerk. Then stepmom turned even jerkier and we got in a fight one night and I haven't lived in that house since and I feel so much better. Have seen him twice---acts like I'm an acquintance instead of flesh and blood.
My mom is a total saint---she never really said anything bad about my dad---just let me find out for myself. You know how it is when you're younger---there's no way your parents can be right--so she knew better than to tell me about his faults.

 

[freshrope_69]

I feel for you. It amazes me that the so-called supporting spouse feels that "maintenance expenses" aren't applicable to his/her children. I'm from Canada and they call child support by its rightful name of "maintenance", but the absent parent just doesn't get it. They will tell people that they wouldn't mind paying if they knew the money was going to the child(ren). Well do they think that the kids don't need light, water, heat, food, clothing, school supplies, and yes, in your case "camp fees"? Wow, and he gets to pay $50.00 a month. I hope for that amount of money his occupation is the order taker at McDonald's, cause he's sure getting away cheap....."

I totally agree (this coming from a man ok?)

For those who don't know...

Take heart...it may be rough for now...and many emotions you will go thru...but...if your children DOESN'T receive that child support you and they are awarded...

That child CAN take the paying spouse to court themselves...up to their age of 23...and sue that parent for that back support plus interest....

 

[Lord David]

I'm a guy here, but I speak to Lost (who, for anyone wondering, posted a little further up) each night, and know how bad her ex is.

I just wish some people would realise that by refusing to pay the child support that's needed, the child is the one that ultimatly suffers.

I mean, if the guy's refusing to pay the support... then obviously the mum has to take money away from what she would be putting towards the child to pay for the bills anyway?

In the end, all he's doing is showing he's an ass, and I know that my being 19 and all means I haven't got much knowledge on the subject, but isn't there a way of forcing him to pay his share?

Just wondering, it might be worth at least looking into at a Citizens Advice Beauru (sp?) is you have one you can get to.

It's times like this I wish I had the money to help out, not for the parents, but for the kids, they don't deserve to miss out because one of their parents could care less about paying the money to them... but yet expects to see them. I feel for those kids, knowing that they will one day realise that one of their parents, in truth, could care less about them, that's what is the saddest thing in these matters.

 

[lost]

The legal system takes time, and sometimes the guys are great at dodging. My Aunt has over 20k owed to her by her ex, they just can't nail him. Probably never will.

May I ask a related question. How do yo explain to you kids you don't have money. I have a four year old that wants a toy everytime we go to Wal-Mart. Things are really tight and if I can swing it I'll get him a hotwheels car, yeah things are that tight. But he always wants these big things..and no I haven't told him his dad quit paying child support, he just knows we don't have money. How do you deal w/ this? I've been pushing it off on Christmas hoping my family will get him stuff. OK I think this turned into a rant. Thanks for reading it.

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

The legal system takes time, and sometimes the guys are great at dodging. My Aunt has over 20k owed to her by her ex, they just can't nail him. Probably never will.

May I ask a related question. How do yo explain to you kids you don't have money. I have a four year old that wants a toy everytime we go to Wal-Mart. Things are really tight and if I can swing it I'll get him a hotwheels car, yeah things are that tight. But he always wants these big things..and no I haven't told him his dad quit paying child support, he just knows we don't have money. How do you deal w/ this? I've been pushing it off on Christmas hoping my family will get him stuff. OK I think this turned into a rant. Thanks for reading it.

Not a rant at all. I've been in your shoes and I remember the days when I couldn't afford anything except the extreme necessities. I was going to school at night and working during the day. My ex hadn't paid support (see above) in years, and back then, I really don't think they gave a damn. At least the people I talked to didn't seem to give a rats ass. I will never see the arrearage he accumulated.
You can't explain it and a 4 year old won't understand that dad quit paying support. I just had to keep things light and tell her that I couldn't afford it, but when things looked up and I could we'd go find something better.

Those were not the best of years at all. I can't really find one good thing about those years except I was rid of him. I lived in a rent controlled apartment that was based on my income. I think I paid $13 a month for a year. I had my car payment, food, utilites and stuff related to that. I made minimum wage and didn't work that many hours a week as it was.

It was the hardest thing in her 18 years of growing up not to ever utter a bad word about him. She, on the other hand, told me the venom that would spew forth about me. I figured he was at least leaving someone else alone. She saw for herself that he was selfish and she also felt the resentment in him towards her. She fully knows now what a loser he is. Made living without all worth it now.

 

[Gord]

Ok an ex dads point of view here

I have been divorced for over a year and have two kids under the age of 10.

When we split it was very hard on all - emotionally and financialy

any way after it went down , I now pay about $700 a month for my two kids - and it is tough.

I wouldnt be normal if I didnt begrudge the money - I do sometimes , and I have to keep reminding myself that it is for the kids - but it is hard as I sometimes dont think that rational about things - anyway the money goes in and my ex is certainly better off than me

The hard thing is that I cant be a part of buying the kids things . All the nice things that get bought are paid for via my ex - even though it is partly my money.

My kid is going on a trip next month costing about $300 - my ex asked me to pay half - I said no as it must come from the monthly payments I made - anyway we argued and I was made to feel as if I am not supporting my kids .- which I am , though the kids dont necessarly know where the all the daily cash " comes " form .


Any way just my rambling !!

 

[Guest]

Thanks for sharing everyone!
Hearing about similar situations from BOTH sides is interesting AND helpful....
I'm really trying to be calm about the whole fucked up situation, but it's SO differcult!!!!
Thanks again.....
Take care.......xxx

 

[Soblue]

Regarding begrudging the money paid to your ex for child support...You did not divorce your kids, you have to remember how much you would be spending on them if you were still married to their mother.

It may seem like a lot, but you're not just paying for food and clothing, you are also contributing to a roof over their heads in the lifestyle they have grown up in. Usually, fathers have no concept of all the expenses because they aren't the ones taking them to the doctor, shopping for the clothes, etc.

As for extras like sports or trips, usually those are not budgeted into the child support. They are exactly that - "extras" I don't think it's unfair to pay half if you want your kids to enjoy the benefits from them.

It's tough, but hang in there unreg. I agree that keeping children from their fathers is no way to handle it. Kids want to know their absent parent loves them, and they get to feeling like it's somehow their fault if there are problems. Try to be the bigger person and let them know their dad loves them, even if he struggles with paying support.

 

[Iara]

I have been divorced 4 years now. When we got divorced I was told that my ex could go for child support at anytime. They children stayed with him simply because it gave them a roof over thier heads and food on the table. I had never worked a day in the 18 yrs we were married..he didn't permit it. I moved out of state because he was abusive and stalking me. Child support started..see where I am going. As long as I was around for him to verbally/physically abuse I didn't pay.

I have no problem at all supporting my children. Yes I think heat rent and food are part of supporting them. What I have a problem with is my children NOT having decent clothes for school while mid life crisis daddy runs around with gold chains and buys new motorbikes off the show room floor. Not one but 2 of them.

Daddy gets new girlfriend..she moves in with her children..Where does that leave mine..simple..He threw them out of the house.

Mine now know what an absloute jerk their father is. He witheld visitation for over a year from me..even tho I was paying. It took that long for "the system" to do their job.

Best of luck to you..my heart goes out to you and your little one.