Has anyone had D/s pulled into their divorce proceedings?

[MsChele]

Hi, I'm new here but I don't really have anyone else to discuss this with. My D/s play is completely on the DL. I live in a really small, extraordinarily judgmental town and my experiences have always been with people who lived a fair distance from me.

When I married my husband, I *thought* that we were both sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. I confided to him my desire to submit, to indulge in some light pain and some other BDSM interests I had. Flash forward to the end of our marriage where he had eventually turned physically abusive. He is now threatening to tell the court that he didn't hurt me, that I asked for it. I haven't yet, and have no intention in the future, of bringing up the fact that he injured me. I just want the divorce done and I want to not be scared of him anymore.

I'm curious if anyone has any experience with this sort of thing being dragged in front of a judge. I really, really do not want my private business becoming public business and I'm also really insulted that he is merging something as wonderful as D/s play, and my BDSM interests with his physical abuse. I'm wondering what sort of view courts take on this. I appreciate anything anyone is willing to share, thanks for reading.

 

[shy slave]

I don't know of Ds being used in divorce proceedings.

In the UK you cannot consent to be harmed, this was challenged in a case known as the Spanner case (non-divorce), therefore if you live in the UK, his view that you 'asked for it' would not hold up.

Plus, it smacks of domestic abuse, where he hurts her because of a transgression.

Divorce is stressful, I hope you are getting the support and help you need on an emotional level as well as a practical one.

 

[MsChele]

I don't know of Ds being used in divorce proceedings.

In the UK you cannot consent to be harmed, this was challenged in a case known as the Spanner case (non-divorce), therefore if you live in the UK, his view that you 'asked for it' would not hold up.

Plus, it smacks of domestic abuse, where he hurts her because of a transgression.

Divorce is stressful, I hope you are getting the support and help you need on an emotional level as well as a practical one.

Thank you so much I am, I have some of the best girlfriends walking the planet and I have so many RL male friends looking out for my safety. I'm at the tail end of it, and he can't bear the fact that I would not return to him. His own Mother said that I was the only woman who never gave him a second chance. I don't need a second broken arm to know it isn't working.

I believe this to be a last ditch effort to stall the proceedings, scare me and intimidate me and I'm standing my ground. I won't love to have to defend my beliefs in court, but, I will.

I thank you so much for your kind words, and sharing your knowledge. It means a lot.

 

[HottieMama]

I had it thrown into my custody proceedings, which was the only thing he could do because we were never legally married. The man I am currently with had it brought up in his divorce from his ex wife. Both scenarios were fairly intense and ugly. If you would like specifics, please PM me. It's not something I am comfortable posting in public.

 

[Stella_Omega]

there's a broken arm? That's not BDSM.

 

[shy slave]

Thank you so much I am, I have some of the best girlfriends walking the planet and I have so many RL male friends looking out for my safety. I'm at the tail end of it, and he can't bear the fact that I would not return to him. His own Mother said that I was the only woman who never gave him a second chance. I don't need a second broken arm to know it isn't working.

I believe this to be a last ditch effort to stall the proceedings, scare me and intimidate me and I'm standing my ground. I won't love to have to defend my beliefs in court, but, I will.

I thank you so much for your kind words, and sharing your knowledge. It means a lot.

As Stella said: A broken arm, that's not BDSM. I am fairly sure you did not consent to that.

It sounds like the line between consent and abuse was crossed.

I hope you don't have to defend yourself against his comments in court, but you now you have a whole range of online people supporting you and sending thoughts that you get through this without any further pain - mental, emotional or physical xx

 

[bhndblueyes88]

If for some reason it comes up, I would definitely note that you consented to some light pain in the context of sex. Not broken arms. Huge difference and I can't imagine anyone but a total idiot wouldn't see that.

 

[Etoile]

It's not just the Spanner case, I think the submissive generally wins out when BDSM is brought up. See the Delia Day case, too.

 

[Kajira Callista]

It was brought up in my various court extravaganzas until the judge finally told the ass that he had no interest in what went or goes on in the bedroom between two consenting adults as long as the door is closed lol. Then when we left court ass told me i must be fucking the judge for him to say that

 

[lindsey4cum]

Is there any one here?

 

[CorruptedInnocence]

Legally yea it doesnt matter if he does, as others have said it sounds like he really crossed the line, I would however be prepared just in case, And if i was you, I would take the time to talk to the lawyer handling the divorce stuff for you (assuming they're still bound to confidentiality for their client as long as its not law breaking), The better they can be prepared for it if it comes the better it will be for you, Picture him bringing it up in court and your lawyer being able to present a clear legally defined definition of d/s activities, along with xrays of that broken arm etc etc, Not like your lawyer is going to risk going to court by spilling your secret if it never comes up, But its best to be prepared if it does, so that you dont end up losing to your ex because of your needs and a closed minded judge.
Wish you the best of luck and im sorry your relationship went the way it did.

 

[intothewoods]

No, thank goodness, but he did threaten me with it at times. Just subtly. He was really pissed -- divorce brings out the ugliest side of people -- but I don't think he would ever expose his kid's mother like that. Lord only knows what his friends and family know, but that's another story.

Anyway, my lawyer at the time basically said that any judge would say exactly what the judge in KC's case said.

Does your husband have any proof that you're kinky? Does he have any evidence that proves you consented to be hurt in the way that he hurt you? I say good luck with that one, even if you asked him to break your arm!

You need a good lawyer. Get recommendations. Make sure the person isn't hankering for a big lawsuit that costs a lot of money, but is interested in resolving things quickly and efficiently.

 

[MsChele]

I had it thrown into my custody proceedings, which was the only thing he could do because we were never legally married. The man I am currently with had it brought up in his divorce from his ex wife. Both scenarios were fairly intense and ugly. If you would like specifics, please PM me. It's not something I am comfortable posting in public.

Thank you Nicole and I completely understand not wanting to discuss it here, I think I will take you up on that PM if you don't mind. I'm nervous but I know I've done nothing wrong so I'm hoping that is on my side.

 

[MsChele]

there's a broken arm? That's not BDSM.

No Stella, I totally agree. That was not BDSM. My ex refuses to believe I'm not coming back. Despite my NEVER bringing up the broken arm to anyone but my family and friends, he is threatening to bring it up and tell the court it was a result of "my sick requests". It's so disheartening thinking that someone I loved so deeply at one point is so set on hurting me in anyway he can.

 

[MsChele]

As Stella said: A broken arm, that's not BDSM. I am fairly sure you did not consent to that.

It sounds like the line between consent and abuse was crossed.

I hope you don't have to defend yourself against his comments in court, but you now you have a whole range of online people supporting you and sending thoughts that you get through this without any further pain - mental, emotional or physical xx

It feels really great to be able to talk about this with people who understand and who are not judgemental (((hug)))

 

[MsChele]

If for some reason it comes up, I would definitely note that you consented to some light pain in the context of sex. Not broken arms. Huge difference and I can't imagine anyone but a total idiot wouldn't see that.

That is my hope, that IF it comes up, I can explain it, I just really do not want to have to go through this in public. He knows then, it's the reason he is doing it.

 

[MsChele]

It's not just the Spanner case, I think the submissive generally wins out when BDSM is brought up. See the Delia Day case, too.

I will Google the Delia Day case, thank you very much for the info.

 

[MsChele]

It was brought up in my various court extravaganzas until the judge finally told the ass that he had no interest in what went or goes on in the bedroom between two consenting adults as long as the door is closed lol. Then when we left court ass told me i must be fucking the judge for him to say that

OMG, what a pathetic comment. I'm sorry you had to hear that. That is my ex's reaction to everything that goes my way. I must be fucking the person. It couldn't possibly be that people can see through is act and see that he is just grinding an ax because he can.

 

[MsChele]

Is there any one here?

I am here Lindsey, just crashed early last night, not long after I posted this. I was emotionally exhausted.

 

[sereneone4u]

Not bdsm

but being here at Lit was brought up in court proceedings in Family court...someone tried to say I was unfit bc I wrote stories here, cybered occasionally, and posted a couple of breast shots. Ironically, the person who accused me had ran an actual porn site of themselves...having sex, fully nude, selling their used panties.

It was not a fun couple of years, I tell you that much

 

[MsChele]

Legally yea it doesnt matter if he does, as others have said it sounds like he really crossed the line, I would however be prepared just in case, And if i was you, I would take the time to talk to the lawyer handling the divorce stuff for you (assuming they're still bound to confidentiality for their client as long as its not law breaking), The better they can be prepared for it if it comes the better it will be for you, Picture him bringing it up in court and your lawyer being able to present a clear legally defined definition of d/s activities, along with xrays of that broken arm etc etc, Not like your lawyer is going to risk going to court by spilling your secret if it never comes up, But its best to be prepared if it does, so that you dont end up losing to your ex because of your needs and a closed minded judge.
Wish you the best of luck and im sorry your relationship went the way it did.

I did explain the situation to my lawyer. I agree with you, he needed that information just to be forearmed. It was my explaining that to him that got me thinking how awkward it would be if I had to do that in court, in front of tons of different people. I do have my xrays though and pictures of all the affected areas, I didn't want to take them but my younger brother insisted I did. I had never planned on bringing this up but my brother said you never know what people will do and at least you'll have them. I honestly figured if I didn't say anything, why on earth would he. We do not have kids together, my activities whatever they may be, aren't affecting him any longer. Plus, what I enjoy and what happened were two totally different things.

Thanks for your kind words. Live and learn, right? I'm not going to let it define me or wreck me. It's something that happened, it sucked but it's over and I'm almost freeeeeeeeee.

 

[MsChele]

No, thank goodness, but he did threaten me with it at times. Just subtly. He was really pissed -- divorce brings out the ugliest side of people -- but I don't think he would ever expose his kid's mother like that. Lord only knows what his friends and family know, but that's another story.

Anyway, my lawyer at the time basically said that any judge would say exactly what the judge in KC's case said.

Does your husband have any proof that you're kinky? Does he have any evidence that proves you consented to be hurt in the way that he hurt you? I say good luck with that one, even if you asked him to break your arm!

You need a good lawyer. Get recommendations. Make sure the person isn't hankering for a big lawsuit that costs a lot of money, but is interested in resolving things quickly and efficiently.

It really does bring out the ugliest side of people, you are so right. I'm completely shocked at the level of his vitriolic, disgusting behavior. Thank god our family was blended and we had no children together, just a his, mine type situation.

My husband has for proof maybe some emails I sent him but even then, I'm pretty sure I never sent him anything about D/s. It took me a while to even get up the courage to admit to him I was submissive. He was what I've heard referred to as a lazy dom. He took my submission but never put an ounce of energy into giving back what I needed from a Dom

Thankfully I have a extremely good lawyer. I have a great job, part of what bothered him...I started earning more money than him...and my divorce atty is an 8 time past president of the bar association in the state that I live. I spared no expense when finding an attorney. I feel I am in very good hands as far as that part goes. Thank you so much for your time and your great advice

 

[CorruptedInnocence]

I did explain the situation to my lawyer. I agree with you, he needed that information just to be forearmed. It was my explaining that to him that got me thinking how awkward it would be if I had to do that in court, in front of tons of different people. I do have my xrays though and pictures of all the affected areas, I didn't want to take them but my younger brother insisted I did. I had never planned on bringing this up but my brother said you never know what people will do and at least you'll have them. I honestly figured if I didn't say anything, why on earth would he. We do not have kids together, my activities whatever they may be, aren't affecting him any longer. Plus, what I enjoy and what happened were two totally different things.

Thanks for your kind words. Live and learn, right? I'm not going to let it define me or wreck me. It's something that happened, it sucked but it's over and I'm almost freeeeeeeeee.

Hehe yup :3
Just gotta hang in there and deal with that garbage from him for alittle longer, Restraining order as well might be wise

 

[MsChele]

Not bdsm

but being here at Lit was brought up in court proceedings in Family court...someone tried to say I was unfit bc I wrote stories here, cybered occasionally, and posted a couple of breast shots. Ironically, the person who accused me had ran an actual porn site of themselves...having sex, fully nude, selling their used panties.

It was not a fun couple of years, I tell you that much

We don't have any kids together. I'm hoping the fact that we do not have to do the Family court thing will at least take the issue of "delinquency to a minor, dangerous behaviors, blah blah blah" type concerns off the table. I have posted the odd breast shot online but never with my face attached to it. I'm not ashamed of my body so I hope that wouldn't be an issue.

I'm incredibly sorry you went through all that, (((hugs))) I will second the statement that it hasn't been a fun few years but, I keep trying to think...my succeeding in being happy will fly in the face of what he wants for me.

 

[MsChele]

Hehe yup :3
Just gotta hang in there and deal with that garbage from him for alittle longer, Restraining order as well might be wise

I do have a restraining order in effect for me and for my son. My son is 21 but has significant special needs. He'd wander off with my ex in a second, he doesn't understand the complexities of how dangerous my ex is so my lawyer suggested orders of protection for both of us. I've gone to court every time they need to be renewed armed with hateful texts, emails and letters that seem to be enough for the judge to renew them. Thanks again.