Has anyone ever had to put a parent in a home?

[Wizard]

Let me set the picture. My Mother (72 or close) and father (83) both in very poor health had a car accident last Tuesday.
My Mother was driving (she just won't stop)and is also deaf to make matter worse............Well I am told they got hit (I belive otherwise) but anyhow the airbags went off and kicked Pops ass.....Broken nose ripped up back and broken leg. They admitted him to the hospital , she hand bumps and bruises and was not kept.
As the days go the hospital finds out he can't walk and hasn't in about 6 months.....They will not discharge him to "home" she can't take care of him.
He gets sent to a rehab. place , not willing......on the ride out he says his buddie died there........About the past 5 years he has given up on life......He is ready to throw in the towel, he has had enough.
Now I am faced with do I quickly move my wife and kids to there house to live where we can do what I feel is right and take care of my Mother and Father both drive us nuts by the way or do I turn my back on them and put him in a "home" to live untill he dies...........(That was not a slam to nursing homes)
My whole family could all help out alot there from taking out the garbage to cutting there grass whick they pay someone to do now cause they can't......
They have the bedrooms and the basement is a real large nice gameroom whick could make a great masterbedroom with fireplace and a living room for us.........kids would have rooms then I could give them the care they deserve....
I just can't think of leaving him in a home................I mean we wern't close at all but he was always there for me when I fucked up..........I moved out when I was 16 but I think it is what "we do".....they took care of us so lets take care of them....

Can anyone offer anything to this????

Something that happened to one of you guys you could share?
on this board for others to learn from of e-mail me?????

I'm looking for some advise here some direction....something........

Thanks folks sorry it was long winded and I'm sure I left some things out.......

 

[Fleshmachine]

No but I want to right about now.

 

[Kymberley]

Not sure how much help this will be for you.

14 years ago, my Great Aunt who raised me became so weak after her second stroke. I was 4 months pregnant and unable to lift her off the floor when she kept falling. My mom was so worried about me hurting myself trying to care for her and my baby niece that my little sis had dumped on me, that she put her in a nursing home one day when I was at work.

I was so angry with my family since they all lived within miles of us and could have easily helped out with her. I went to the home daily only to see my Aunt get worse daily. She was convinced she was a burden and was dying before my eyes.

I watched her weight drop so suddenly and found out she was not eating the meals there at all. I started arranging my schedule so that I ate all three meals a day with her.

After four months, I got to bring her back home.

Auntie thanked me everyday for saving her from "that place" as she called it. I never once regretted bringing her home even though it meant caring for three that could not care for themselves.

She lived 3 more years after that. Not a day went by that we did not talk about that time of our lives. All she wanted was to be loved enough to be wanted with us.

I worked in a home a year after she died in my arms. I lasted a month. Watching the way some people who I worked with mistreating those seniors who had ended up in their care because no one was there for them was the most painful thing my eyes had ever seen. I quit and turned the entire nightshift I worked with into the State and they shut the place down a few weeks later.

My point, if you have the means to do so, go there. The kids will never forget the time with their grandparents. And I bet you will be left with unforgetable times spent with them and watching your children brighten their lives.

Children are remarkable healing tools when it comes to Senior Citizens. Watch their faces light up when you kids enter the room or draw them a picture. You will never forget it.

 

[MinkSoul]

are visiting nurses an option?

i'm single so my situation was different then yours is, and my Mom is in good health.

i live about a mile from my folks house so when my dDad started his downhill slide i was around to help when it was needed. twords the end i was there almost every day. it Hurt and it Sucked but, i'm glad i did it.... it gave me a chance to talk to him and clear up a couple of misunderstandings we had about each other. He died a bit more at peace and i got to know Him a little better.


You have a wife and kids..... i don't, whatever you do will effect them also so, you might want to find out how they feel about the situation before you make any decision.
also.... you mentioned siblings.... see what support you can get from them...(emotional, physical, finantial....ect)
i know what your going through and i'm sorry... it Hurts, you feel surrounded and under pressure to make "The Right Decision"...


Just remember... your a Human Being, and in the end, we all have to save ourselves.... we all go about it it different ways...



hope this helps...

 

[LadyDarcy]

email me if you wish

My parents are elderly and I went through something similar. I'd be more than happy to tell you what I learned and perhaps give you some insight. theladydarcy@yahoo.com

 

[Wizard]

I knew I would leave some thing out..........My thoughts get mixed up.....I have to say our whole family is all in favor of this I am not forcing this on them we talk about everything..

Thanks for the in put so far good advise and it helps to hear what others would do.......

LD, I will e-mail you thank you...........

 

[ChaoticLil]

My husband is an only child, so we didn't have anyone to help us when he mother started getting ill. She has diabetes and high blood pressure; her medication alone cost over $400 a month (which by the way Medicare DOES NOT pay).

He denied anything was wrong with her until I called him one day at work and told him that she was outside naked and refused to go back in the house (we lived next door to her).

I spent the next six months trying to get her to bathe, take her medication, and use the bathroom. I found her diapers all through the house, she would use the bathroom everywhere but the bathroom, and she would also hide her medication. Most of the time she would have on more than 4 sets of clothes. Throughout all of this she refused to do anything that I asked her to, and would hardly do anything my husband would ask. My husband would refuse to believe anything was wrong, so I was essentially the only caregiver she had. I love to woman very much, but I could not handle what was forced on me. I finally packed up the kids and went to stay at my ex-husband's house until my husband saw what was going on and took responsibility for it.

She is in a private retirement home, which not only Medicare doesn't pay for (they only pay for skilled care, not custodian care), they also don't accept Medicaid. Because of this, we spend at least $400 from our pockets to keep her there along with over $400 for her medication. She's in good hands there, and I feel the money is well spent, but it's eating our lunch.

What ever you do is going to affect you and your family. You need to find out how they feel, and take that into account. I know in Texas they have some kind of board that evaluates nursing homes, write to them with a list of nursing homes you want to have info about and they should send you at least the things they've been cited for. Too many citation/write-ups and I wouldn't even consider them.

Either way, you have my condolences. It's very hard to watch someone you love fall ill, and even harder to have to make a decision regarding their care. Good luck in which ever way you choose.

 

[Skitten]

Wizard's Dad has been getting worse over the past few months. We have discussed the options of a assisted living and a nursing home. I just feel that this man has done everything he possibly could for his family in his lifetime. No matter what he family wanted or needed he provided and helped in anyway he could. Now he was in the car accident which has brought the symptoms to a head with the confusion and his not walking real well. Especially with the walking he now has to be in a rehab center. Which is killing us to see him in a place like this not that it is a bad place. It is just hard seeing a man who was so strong and independent needing your help with even little things. And I feel that it would be best if he could at least have the dignity to die with his family with him and remind him that he is loved and cared for by the ones he knows care about him. Not by strangers who do not even know what he is really like.

He is a very sweet man and I do want to make the best decision on all accounts and I know Wizard does also. We haven't discussed the option with our kids as of yet, but I know them and they are very close to their grandfather and I know seeing him in that place hurts them. So any opinions that you think would help would help a lot thanks.

 

[MinkSoul]

one thing that i did that seemed to help when my Dad started to slide...

i went to him, Looked him square in the eye and said: "Dad, i love you, you took care of me when i needed it, now it's my turn"... we never really said 'I Love You' much in my family before that but, we sure said it a lot after...

 

[Cheyenne]

A differing opnion-

I had one sweet little grandma turn into a raving lunatic who swore at the nurses and hit her roommate at the nursing home when she started to go downhill. I didn't believe them until I saw her do it with my own eyes. No way could we have handled her at home. (She also eventually ended up in diapers, when she remembered to keep it on. A big mess for the nursing staff when she didn't.)

My other grandma had a stroke and lived at home for years before a final coma put her in a nursing home for months before she whithered away. It was horrible to watch, and no way could she have been cared for at home. She had horrible bed sores and was a challenge even to the nursing staff.

My grandfather got cancer and wanted to die at home, not in a nursing home, hospital, or hospice. We carried out his wishes, getting in a hospital bed, nursing help, etc. It had to be 24 hours a day at the end. It was very very hard to watch him slide downhill and eventually die. The day he died was a blessing. It was hard on the entire family, that was my dad (his son) and the rest of us.

My own parents? They remember their parents and how hard it was to take care of them. My parents have their name on a list to buy an apartment in a local retirement complex. You live on your own there until you need care. Then you get care in your apartment until you need the nursing home. It is progressive and wonderful. Both of them swear they don't ever want to burden any of us kids with taking care of them. When the time comes to move out of their home because they can't care for it or themselves anymore, they are going to this retirement home they have picked out.

I'm grateful I won't have to deal with the problem you face now.

[Edited by Cheyenne on 06-02-2001 at 10:04 PM]

 

[Angelique]

I spoke to Wiz on IM earlier this evening and offered my opinion, so I won't continue harping on it here. My main concern is for the children. I've grown so very fond of the little ones, as you both know. So speaking only from my own personal experience, I offer you this...

When I took care of my grandmother for the last three months of her life, she became VERY mean, VERY hateful, and quite often, said things that put me in tears. She swore often, and belittled me in front of my family...literally said she hated me. I knew that wasn't MY grandma speaking, but it still hurt like hell to hear those words come from a woman that I loved with every fiber of my being. I'm not saying that WILL happen in your situation...but if it does, will your son and daughter be able to handle it? I was an adult and it tore my heart from my chest to witness the very sudden change in a woman I'd been close to my entire life.

I wish you both the best of luck...you know that if you need ANYTHING, I'm 2 1/2 hours away (4 1/2 on Memorial Day weekend, tho'. *smiles*)

Hugs to both of you, and the kids. You'll be in my prayers.

 

[Bonnie Wee Lassie]

Wiz I kind of know what you are going through. My Grandmother just went to a home even though I didn't want her to go. But needless to say she is happy there. Unfortunatly in Canada we have a better healthcare system(Not the best) and the place she has gone to is excellent. I hope things work out for you.

I will be thinking of you.

 

[Wizard]

I did leave this out that I am an only child so the only one I can turn too are our friends........

one thing that i did that seemed to help when my Dad started to slide...

i went to him, Looked him square in the eye and said: "Dad, i love you, you took care of me when i needed it, now it's my turn"... we never really said 'I Love You' much in my family before that but, we sure said it a lot after...

That is such a good point and at 34 I can honestly say I have NEVER said that to my Father as I grew up we just kind't say it to each other much like Mink Soul has said..........I must do that yet..
Thank you MS for that point.

Thanks to all of you folks for taking the time to tell me what you think it helps to deal with this.......