Hanging on.

[Expertise]

I went to the funeral of a friend today.

We weren't terribly close, but friends just the same. He was one of my first supervisors during the summers I spent working for the local electrical utility in university. Our friendship grew out of a mutual interest in collecting. Anyway I digress.

He had been fighting leukemia for over a decade. There had been some rough spots over that period but the past year had been the most trying of all and the past six weeks or so particularly bad. A week ago his son's wife bore him his first grandchild. When they brought the baby down to his room he by all accounts seemed rejuvenated. Holding his grandson, talking to him and cooing (Graeme was not a cooing type normally). This was last Monday. When I saw him on Tuesday that was what he spoke of how wonderful the boy was and how the baby had cemented an often fractious relationship between he and his son. He seemed, at long last, at peace with himself and in good humor and spirits.
Friday he passed away.

It seemed to me that he fought it until he could see that baby come in to the world. Then he could let himself rest.

Which brings me to my question.

Many times I have seen the terminally ill or grievously injured hang on, often against all odds, until a certain milestone or event transpires or a loved one is there by their side. Is this something you have experienced?

 

[TN_Vixen]

Exp

I've noticed a pattern of a death right before or after a birth in the immediate or extended family. I could go through the years and point this out over and over in my family.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[April]

No. Not in my family. My father dragged his death out as long as he could just out of spite and meanness. Seriously. It was awful for the whole family. The rest of them either linger for no reason or pop off suddenly. I know this sounds cruel, but that's the way my family has been going. About every 3 years, so I'm not due for emergency travel for another two.

Expertise, I'm sorry you lost a friend. I imagine it can make your life a little darker when you lose a good one.

 

[CreamyLady]

Yes, but not in such a positive, affirming way.

My father and his sister had a very fractious relationship. My aunt had never married, and suffered from Alzheimer's as well.

Anyway, even though she was two years older, their diseases progressed at roughly the same rate. They had no contact with each other for years, as she had been placed in a home for Alzheimer's patients. She died in July 1995. My father, who had maintained a slight grip on his personality (sense of humor, appreciation of women!), suddenly lost it all when she died, and died himself in September of 1995.

Because my aunt died first, my mother inherited his share of my aunt's estate, which came in very handy during her subsequent illness.

I think seeing new life is a lot more positive than seeing new money.

 

[Siren]

It is interesting what you said Creamylady regarding Alzheimers....

 

[CreamyLady]

Oh, don't worry about it, Siren. It is amazing how these things get out of control so quickly.

It was not easy at all. We ended up getting a conservator for my aunt, because my mother could not cope with my father and my aunt.

Actually, she couldn't cope with either, because she herself was in very bad health. My sister and I took over the finances and the health decisions for our father's care. My mother then concentrated on her own.

Ironically, while my mother does not suffer from Alzheimer's, she has Wernicke-Korsakoff's syndrome from years of alcoholism. Her short term memory is very iffy, and her long term memory is being eroded. However, her basic health is much better now. It's funny how these things work.

 

[Siren]

OMG Creamylady, how did you cope?

 

[CreamyLady]

I honestly don't know how we coped. I only know that somehow my sister and I just stepped in and did what needed doing. It helps that my sister is the kind of person who should have a small country to run. She is very, very organized.

A sense of humor helps, too, because otherwise it's just too damned grim for words.

However, there were the two of us. My daughter helped as she could. Her senior year in high school was not a good time for her, and she put college on hold for two years, too. Consequently, she is older than her classmates, which helps with her studies, but not much with her social life.

Six years after the fact, we are still trying to figure out how we did it all. Maybe because there were two us us, and an altnerate? I don't know. It isn't a job for just one person, that's certain. It really is much easier when other family members help.

 

[Siren]

Any help is appreciated, I know that for sure

 

[Jake2001]

Do I believe?

Many times I have seen the terminally ill or grievously injured hang on, often against all odds, until a certain milestone or event transpires or a loved one is there by their side. Is this something you have experienced?

A year ago this month, my mother died of cancer. She had been through chemo in November and sent home from the hospital right before Christmas. When the dreaded cancer returned in January, she rejected further treatment and placed herself in the hands of Hospice (a truly wonderful organization) until the hands of God took over. My parents lived several hundred miles away and we drove until the wee hours of the morning after receiving word that she was not doing well.

She was not conscious when we arrived but the Hospice nurse told me to talk to her anyway; that she was likely to hear me. I remember her breathing seemed to become less labored as I knelt by her bed and told her my feelings. My Dad went in and prayed with her when I was through. He told her it was okay to go, to let go of the pain. Minutes later, her pain ceased and she became silent with her hands cupped in my Dad's. Do I believe she held on waiting?

Three weeks ago, we received word that my mother-in-law was hospitalized with double pneumonia and not expected to live. Again, we drove all night. My wife was the last of her thirteen children to arrive at the hospital. About an hour after we got there, she regained consciousness and became alert for about fifteen minutes. She smiled, returned our kisses, and talked about memories. Then she said she wanted to sleep. She closed her eyes with a smile on her face and an hour later she died.

Yes, I believe.

 

[Jade]

Oh you poor sweetie...

First of all,

Expertise, I send my regards to you for the loss of your friend.

Secondly, in response to your question... I have known a lot of death, a lot... way more than I would ever have imagined.

There are far too many examples in fact, to cite them here... I would probably kill the thread anyway. I do feel that theory is more valid with adults than with children though, b/c well... it is rather difficult to explain here but basically, ... ugh never mind... just ask if it isn't clear somehow by the end of the post and I will try and explain without pissing anyone off or causing any petty/judgemental arguments unnecessarily.

But definetely, mentality and emotions play a HUGE role in how things turn out physically.

For example, they say long distance running is about 5% physical and 95% mental... that is pretty right on as far as I am concerned. You can be in peak physical condition but if you don't have the will power to finish, it won't happen.

Sure there are limits to this theory, but it still holds true. I wonder even, if this holds true on an almost daily basis.

I also wonder if people, when they are close to death, be it from illness or simply from old age, think a lot about what they want to see or experience... that single one important thing, before they die.

No matter, it surely does seem that when your body is ready to and your mind agrees, then you go.

My great grandmother is 96 and mentall, I fear she is given in, but her body just isn't ready.

Both of these things should happen before a person passes from natural causes once they reach a certain age.
God, did that make ANY sense at all?

Well, there's my response for better or worse.

*sigh*

 

[Jade]

Btw: Jake... that was an amazing story sweetie...

Well put.

 

[BrainyBeauty]

Yes, I believe that is true

Expertise, there have been studies and documentation trying to form an association or link between death and major life events. For some reason women are more frequently able to 'hold on' till a significant event- birthday, anniversary or holiday. The men are more apt to die just before the date. I don't recall any explanation for that.

It is oddly true in my experience. My mother died 2 days after her birthday and my father died 3 days before his.

In any event, I am sorry for your loss. The older we get, the more aware we become of our own mortality and that is often the most difficult stage. It is tough to face the idea that we are not immortal nor invincible, especially when one of our peers dies.

 

[Beebeeblue]

Last March, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer in her esophagus and lungs. She had recently moved in with my aunt, her oldest daughter. When we went to visit her that month(2 weeks before the diagnosis) she was just getting over a broken ankle. She told me that day that if anything else goes wrong, she was just giving up. I knew then it would be the last time I saw her alive.

We got the call in May(just before Mother's day) that she had passed on. Not too long before, she had spoken with a sister of hers that she had been at odds with. Its like she was waiting to make peace. She was a tough old broad though. Ask anyone in my family. The Dr's gave her 24 hrs at one point and she lived for 2 more weeks.

I miss the hell out of her. I jad just rediscovered my realationship with her. I have a pic of her and my daughter taken the last time we saw her. At the funeral, I made copies for my aunts and uncles. Grans just grinning away, and the little one enjoying the attention.

 

[Jake2001]

Btw: Jake... that was an amazing story sweetie...

Well put.

Thank you Jade .... and I think I understood exactly what you were trying to say in your post above.

 

[Jade]

*blush*

Thanks for understanding Jake... that is nice to have... understanding I mean.

 

[Cheyenne]

Re: Yes, I believe that is true

Expertise, there have been studies and documentation trying to form an association or link between death and major life events. For some reason women are more frequently able to 'hold on' till a significant event- birthday, anniversary or holiday. The men are more apt to die just before the date. I don't recall any explanation for that.

I read an article about this in December, 1999. They were doing studies to see how many people were holding on to make it to "the new century." It had already been documented that many hang on to life long enough to make it to birthdays, etc. Whatever milestone date is important to them. The theory was that the death rate would decline right before the end of 1999 and pick up rapidly in early 2000, after everyone "made it." I don't remember reading a followup on the theory, but I'm sure there is one out there somewhere in cyberspace if you search.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[Guest]