Halloween Entry - Feedback Please!!

[Lee Chambers]

This is my entry for the 2007 Halloween contest. Any feedback or comments are more than welcome, as are your votes! Thanks!

Justice for All Ch. 01

 

[mjl2010]

Grabbed my attention and held it. A decent sex scene to start off with and then a good intense follow up with drama.

There's a few places where sentences could have been better. A few were glaring and jumped out. Before submitting Chapter two, spend more time rereading it before submission.

Examples:
"We're you the one who called?" should be were, not we're.
In the next paragraph, the woman is holding a baseball bad
As he searched for the light switch, he noticed something shapes along the wall above the bed.
There's a few more. The word kill instead of killer. Form instead of from.

Stuff we all do and miss, which is why we get editors.

All in all a great story. How it relates to Halloween when it takes place in August is a stretch, but maybe I need to wait for chapter two or more.

Nice Story.

As an aside, I can picture cop partners doing just that, having a quickie somewhere just before going off duty.

MJL

 

[Lee Chambers]

Thanks for taking the time to respond, MJL. The mistakes were due to me having to rush and really not having time to edit or find an editor to look over the story in order to post it in time for the Halloween contest.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

The few errors are overwhelmed by a really good write, Lee. You earned a "5".

 

[Lee Chambers]

The few errors are overwhelmed by a really good write, Lee. You earned a "5".

That's high praise coming from you, Jenny. Thanks much. I'm going to be reading all the Halloween entries from the AH regulars, so I'll be leaving some feedback for your entries soon.

 

[Lee Chambers]

bump.

 

[Varian P]

A fun read. In a queasy, disturbing kind of way, of course.

You've got a nice prose style—it flows well, and you're making the language work for you, with plenty of apt, precise words, concrete images, all the good stuff while maintaining a plain-spoken feel.

With the opening scene, you manage to get me interested in the characters via their sexual encounter, safely navigating the dangerous waters of the anonymous mannequin fuck-fest that can be a danger when opening with the x-rated stuff, before we're invested in who people are and what their doing licking each other's naughty bits.

You did a nice job building and maintaining tension during the search, and thought it worked well, keeping the killer in the shadows, rather than giving us too much too soon. Now we're all dying to know more.

This is a fabulous image:

All the lights were off except for the television, which cast an eerie, flickering glow across the living room. The late night infomercial host continued gabbing on about his product, oblivious to the carnage around him.

On into the realm of the nitpicky...

the lovely Hispanic woman's pussy

The whole phrase sounds kind of cold and distant, when we're getting stuff from Jonathan's POV, and I'm especially bothered by 'the Hispanic woman.' Is she Mexican? Colombian? Argentinian? If they're lovers and co-workers, I'm guessing he'd know, so “Hispanic” sounds too generic. I certainly don't think of my lovers in terms of “the sexy French guy's cock.”

If you're just trying to give us an image of the woman, I think it would be more effective to let us look at her a bit through Jonathan's eyes. Later, when we hear she's Detective Ramirez, we'll know she's Latina.

This kind of bugged me, too:

The Bridge View Apartments was a multistory building that was so worn and faded it was impossible to know the age, though the detective estimated it to be around thirty years.

Do people guess the age of buildings by wear and tear? It's architectural style that usually gives it away, isn't it?

It appeared that someone had hacked the door open before managing to break in.

I feel like that line just doesn't have the drama it should. Maybe something more like, “It looked like someone had hacked their way through the door.”

This could be reworded, too, so the language reflects the horror being depicted:

The body had been dismembered, the legs and arms removed in a most violent fashion.

That ending phrase is oddly prissy for a seasoned cop, particularly under the circumstances. Seems like it should be something closer to,

The body had been dismembered, the legs and arms ripped or chewed off.

"I already do." Ramirez said.

That just rang odd, as she'd been “Elisa” throughout the story.

Typos:

The hallway was dim and filled bits of paper and other garbage.

I think you want “...filled with bits...”

a baseball bad clutched in her hands

he noticed something shapes along the wall above the bed.

Jonathan's thought his heart was going to explode

a dead man hanging form his wall

Hopefully something up there's helpful. Those little things aside, I enjoyed your squishy, creepy story. Good luck in the contest!

-Varian

 

[Lee Chambers]

A fun read. In a queasy, disturbing kind of way, of course.
You've got a nice prose style—it flows well, and you're making the language work for you, with plenty of apt, precise words, concrete images, all the good stuff while maintaining a plain-spoken feel.

With the opening scene, you manage to get me interested in the characters via their sexual encounter, safely navigating the dangerous waters of the anonymous mannequin fuck-fest that can be a danger when opening with the x-rated stuff, before we're invested in who people are and what their doing licking each other's naughty bits.

You did a nice job building and maintaining tension during the search, and thought it worked well, keeping the killer in the shadows, rather than giving us too much too soon. Now we're all dying to know more.

This is a fabulous image:

All the lights were off except for the television, which cast an eerie, flickering glow across the living room. The late night infomercial host continued gabbing on about his product, oblivious to the carnage around him.

Thanks for letting me know what you thought of it. I've written a number of different stories over the years but this is the first time I've attempted to write a murder mystery or horror style and I was a little concerned about how well it would be received.

On into the realm of the nitpicky...

the lovely Hispanic woman's pussy

The whole phrase sounds kind of cold and distant, when we're getting stuff from Jonathan's POV, and I'm especially bothered by 'the Hispanic woman.' Is she Mexican? Colombian? Argentinian? If they're lovers and co-workers, I'm guessing he'd know, so “Hispanic” sounds too generic. I certainly don't think of my lovers in terms of “the sexy French guy's cock.”

If you're just trying to give us an image of the woman, I think it would be more effective to let us look at her a bit through Jonathan's eyes. Later, when we hear she's Detective Ramirez, we'll know she's Latina.

You make a good point here and it wasn't something that I really noticed before. Unfortunately, because of the deadline and my busy schedule, I really didn't get a chance to edit it and that's why it has several of the flaws you've pointed out.

I opened up my Word copy of the story and switched the line you mentioned above with "Letting his thoughts drift to the idea of sliding inside of her for the first time proved to be too much for Jonathan." Does this sound better or does it still seem to cold and distant?

This kind of bugged me, too:

The Bridge View Apartments was a multistory building that was so worn and faded it was impossible to know the age, though the detective estimated it to be around thirty years.

Do people guess the age of buildings by wear and tear? It's architectural style that usually gives it away, isn't it?

When I wrote that part I was trying to give the reader some idea of what that section of the city was like, since there are other areas later on that are going to be a stark contrast to where the first murder was discovered. However, pointing this let's me paint a better image of the city. Try this.

The Bridge View Apartments was a multistory building that had been built during the early seventies to try and revive the lower income neighborhoods. However, all of those buildings now looked worn and ragged due to their cheap construction and the heavy pollution produced by the heavy industry sector of the city.

It appeared that someone had hacked the door open before managing to break in.

I feel like that line just doesn't have the drama it should. Maybe something more like, “It looked like someone had hacked their way through the door.”

This could be reworded, too, so the language reflects the horror being depicted:

The body had been dismembered, the legs and arms removed in a most violent fashion.

That ending phrase is oddly prissy for a seasoned cop, particularly under the circumstances. Seems like it should be something closer to,

The body had been dismembered, the legs and arms ripped or chewed off.

"I already do." Ramirez said.

That just rang odd, as she'd been “Elisa” throughout the story.

Typos:

The hallway was dim and filled bits of paper and other garbage.

I think you want “...filled with bits...”

a baseball bad clutched in her hands

he noticed something shapes along the wall above the bed.

Jonathan's thought his heart was going to explode

a dead man hanging form his wall

Hopefully something up there's helpful. Those little things aside, I enjoyed your squishy, creepy story. Good luck in the contest!

-Varian

Actually, all of it helped very much. Thank you for taking the time to go show me all the problem areas in my story. I really appreciate it and I think the corrections that you suggested have made it a better story overall. I'm going to be reading yours soon and I'll let you know what I think as soon as I have a moment. Thanks again and good luck in the contest.

 

[Varian P]

I opened up my Word copy of the story and switched the line you mentioned above with "Letting his thoughts drift to the idea of sliding inside of her for the first time proved to be too much for Jonathan." Does this sound better or does it still seem to cold and distant?

I find your new line much sexier, and not at all cold or distant.

When I wrote that part I was trying to give the reader some idea of what that section of the city was like, since there are other areas later on that are going to be a stark contrast to where the first murder was discovered. However, pointing this let's me paint a better image of the city. Try this.

The Bridge View Apartments was a multistory building that had been built during the early seventies to try and revive the lower income neighborhoods. However, all of those buildings now looked worn and ragged due to their cheap construction and the heavy pollution produced by the heavy industry sector of the city.

Much better--it not only gives a more concrete image of the scene, it sounds like the thoughts of someone who knows the city well, as your MC would.

Thanks for letting me know what you thought of it. I've written a number of different stories over the years but this is the first time I've attempted to write a murder mystery or horror style and I was a little concerned about how well it would be received.

...Unfortunately, because of the deadline and my busy schedule, I really didn't get a chance to edit it and that's why it has several of the flaws you've pointed out.

Actually, all of it helped very much. Thank you for taking the time to go show me all the problem areas in my story. I really appreciate it and I think the corrections that you suggested have made it a better story overall. I'm going to be reading yours soon and I'll let you know what I think as soon as I have a moment. Thanks again and good luck in the contest.

So glad it was helpful.

And of course, I'd love to hear what you think of my little monstrosity. Much like you, I wrote mine on the fly and in a rush, and I've already spotted some embarrassing typos and the like.

Also like you, I've been writing for years, but this was my first attempt at a suspense/thriller/horror-type thing. It's actually a genre I'm interested in playing with some more. And I have notions of expanding the little beastie, and taking the time to craft the prose and hone the dialog. So I'm quite eager to get some thoughtful critiques, and your take on it would be much appreciated.

Take care,

Varian