Hair Therapy? (sorry, kind of a brain vomit episode)

[tealsphynx]

Ok, this is a little odd. I seem to be fighting off PPD (post-partumn depression) and was thinking something funny yesterday. When I get down I get this urge to cut my hair, sometimes (like yesterday) completely off, just shear it down to my skin. I don't because I know once I come out of my blueness I'll hate myself for it. Anyway, that's the background here's the thought. This got me thinking about the "Handfull of Hair" (I think that was the title) thread started by TaintedB a while ago. It showed a scene where this Dom was cutting and shaving his sub's hair (if I remeber right she had lovely red hair too). This got me thinking that maybe when I get blue I get that urge to remove my hair as a form of control. Or it could be trying to make myself look as empty as get to feeling. It's funny Tom Cruise has been currently flamed for his comments to (I'm guessing here) Brook Shields episode of PPD and her taking anti depressants. I hate the days I'm affected by my ppd. Tonight I'm going to share what I wrote yesterday with my DH, I don't want to, but part of me does. I should and that's all that really drives my desire to share. Part of me is embarassed to share what I wrote with him. I don't want him to worry about me, or feel guilty that he did anything that made me feel this way, cause he hasn't and unfortunately other than care for me he can't fix my problem. He tries to help, but it's in me and there's little he can do about it.
It's funny, I remember growing up, my sister was a cutter. She didn't do it for suicidal reasons, she did it because it made her feel better (she's also a masochist). I could never cut, I don't like the feeling of cuts and I'm a baby for pain (this coming from someone who is addicted to piercings and tatoos and gave birth with no drugs but when that happened my brain was off in it's happy place so I don't remember feeling it). But for some reason this urge to cut my hair is prevalent when I'm blue. As is some violent desires, Hitting, throwing being the two strongest (I'm very careful about handling DS when I feel like that, I get so afraid I'll throw him that I see it happening and it makes me leave him in his crib all day while I sob in my room) I hate my PPD more than anything else about me. it makes my difficulty accepting my inner sadist seem like a grain of sand compared to my PPD. I don't even know if I make sence anymore (my spelling and memory are crap any more possibly because of it, it makes my concetration and attention span really short)
Looking at what I wrote yesterday I'm sure it's gotten to the point of ppd and is no longer just blue days. This topic is probably better off at some parenting site, but I know the people here and that there are mothers here too. Not that I really even expect a response here, I'm not sure if there is a point that is clear enough for anyone to respond. Ok, if you continued to read this far I'm done wasting your time here. Sorry.

 

[Kajira Callista]

you arent wasting anyones time. if you ppd is that bad you need to talk to your doctor about it today....not in two when you feel a little better, but now. If you have a friend or if mom (as much as mom is a pest she understands alot more then we ever think she does) live close by go visit or have them spend the day with you.

 

[tealsphynx]

Thanks KC, I've got an appointment, and even though the blueness comes and goes, it doesn't really go completely that and I've started writing the blah thoughts that spew out of my head so it's all there plain to see. It gets hard for me to talk sometimes, I'll shut down when I don't want to talk about it (selective forgetting) so with it written down it's like a lead to guide me back to help me share. good lord, now i'm not making sence ot flesym.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Thanks KC, I've got an appointment, and even though the blueness comes and goes, it doesn't really go completely that and I've started writing the blah thoughts that spew out of my head so it's all there plain to see. It gets hard for me to talk sometimes, I'll shut down when I don't want to talk about it (selective forgetting) so with it written down it's like a lead to guide me back to help me share. good lord, now i'm not making sence ot flesym.

keep writing then, and keep reminding yourself that is is not your brain but your body acting abnormally.

 

[tealsphynx]

keep writing then, and keep reminding yourself that is is not your brain but your body acting abnormally.

Yeah, feels like the brain though. It's a mismatch of hormones and inner body chemicals and such causing problems. It's funny how it doesn't really help knowing what's wrong. , I guess it's better than being in the dark worrying what's wrong with me though. I g/f of mine has PCOS and she was so worried while she waited for the tests to come back. She seemed to have PPD, but she was having weird symptoms, like facial hair growth and no period. She swore she was pregnant again! Thanks for the KC. <hugs>

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Killishandra]

*HUGSSS*

I'm sorry, TS. I didn't even know you were feeling so depressed. Call me and let me know how that doctor's appointment goes.

My thoughts are with you, hun.

 

[Summer_Jasmine]

PPD is so scary. I'm so sorry. I suffered with it for almost a year after my second son. I hope your conversation with your dr goes well and I hope you get on the road to feeling better soon. Please feel free to PM me - having been there I can certainly sympathize... (((((hugs)))))

 

[tealsphynx]

Thanks all.

 

[graceanne]

*hugs* I suffered PPD after my first child, too. And after I finally got on an antidepressant that worked I wondered why I put up such a fuss about going on them in the first place. I promise it's totally worth it, and with me I was able to go off them about a year later, I just needed a little help.

I agree, you need to get a support system in place. When you are afraid you'll hurt your son, then you need to call one or the other of the poeple on your support system, and either talk to them till you feel better, or have them come watch your son for an hour or two while you get some sleep, or take a bath or something.

As for the hair, when Ella's husband shaved her head he told me (in a drunken rage) that Ella was ugly inside and he wanted to make her ugly on the outside. You might be doing that. You feel bad on the inside, you're having these ugly thoughts that you can't control, and you want to make it obvious to everyone that their is something wrong. When I had my PPD people kept telling me that all my problems were in my head, and that I wasn't depressed I was lazy.

Also, their are PPD support groups. Here's some links:

http://health.dir.groups.yahoo.com/...rs/Depressive_Disorders/Postpartum_Depression

http://www.ppdsupportpage.com/

And if you need to talk, remember a lot of the women here are mothers, and a lot of us have had PPD in some form or the other. *great big hugs*

 

[catalina_francisco]

Go to the doctor and begin to feel all those positives about being a new mum instead of letting PPD rob you of it. As for Tom Cruise.....he needs roasting and more as he has shown himself for the ignorant prick no-one suspected he was before, least of all himself who feels qualified to tell doctors and psychiatrists around the world how wrong and evil they are.....and gee, he never even stuck around long enough to help Nicole through the loss of their child, let alone had a child of his own and seen what can happen to a woman both before, during, and after.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

If Tom Cruise is what happens when people DON'T take meds, I think he's a poster child FOR antidepressants, the man's an utter loon.

 

[catalina_francisco]

If Tom Cruise is what happens when people DON'T take meds, I think he's a poster child FOR antidepressants, the man's an utter loon.

LOL, have to agree...something has gone seriously wrong inside his head these past few years.

Catalina

 

[Jay Davis]

If Tom Cruise is what happens when people DON'T take meds, I think he's a poster child FOR antidepressants, the man's an utter loon.

But that's the problem...YOU don't know the history of psychiatry...HE does. Just ask him.

Apparently, once you reach the highest levels in the Church of Scientology, you become empowered to run around in public proving to the world what a bunch of crazy, nutball, anti-science cultists the Scientologists really are.

But if Tom's right, and vitamins are all you need to be healthy and mentally stable, I think he's been skipping his Flintstones Chewables lately...

 

[Netzach]

But that's the problem...YOU don't know the history of psychiatry...HE does. Just ask him.

Apparently, once you reach the highest levels in the Church of Scientology, you become empowered to run around in public proving to the world what a bunch of crazy, nutball, anti-science cultists the Scientologists really are.

But if Tom's right, and vitamins are all you need to be healthy and mentally stable, I think he's been skipping his Flintstones Chewables lately...

If I were his publicist I would have shot him with a tranquilizer dart during those interviews.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack, just wanted to imply that tealsphynx should be feeling NO guilt over this and trying to create a smile.

 

[Marquis]

I feel the urge to shave my head too sometimes. It wouldn't be much of a stretch for me now, but I've had my hair longer and shaved it down in an emotional moment before.

For me, I think the desire stems from a belief that I need to get down to the bare basics. That hair is somehow an unecessary concern and that shaving my head will make me more focused and stronger.

 

[Netzach]

I'm just considering it because my meds are beginning to make it fall out. However I'm not going to shave it while I remain moon faced. Hopefully the face will return to normal before the hair gets really mangy looking. *sigh*

 

[Marquis]

I'm just considering it because my meds are beginning to make it fall out. However I'm not going to shave it while I remain moon faced. Hopefully the face will return to normal before the hair gets really mangy looking. *sigh*

Netzach you would look Bad Ass with a shaved head.

No stubble either, totally smooth.

 

[psyche1973]

Hi, I'm a semi-lurker but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I had ppd with my first child and I want to add that meds are a very very good thing. Talking with others who've had ppd helps a lot, especially when you feel like the worst mommy in the world. This is a good place to meet other moms who have/had ppd.
http://bbs.babycenter.com/board/baby/emotrecovery/3374
It's not your fault, it's one of the cruelest things to ever happen to a woman, to be stricken down with this disorder in a time that should be filled with such joy.
GET HELP. Don't try to tough it out. Do it for your kid, right now his brain is developing in a special way that will wire him for life. He needs to learn how to be happy from you, by the way you are and how you react to him.
At first doc gave me Prozac, and that made me sleepy and killed my sex drive, then I got Wellbutrin SR. That did the trick, no more "bad thoughts" and I was able to function with my life.

 

[tealsphynx]

LOL guys, thanks for the Cruise Hijack! Made me chuckle to all!

 

[tealsphynx]

Hi, I'm a semi-lurker but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I had ppd with my first child and I want to add that meds are a very very good thing. Talking with others who've had ppd helps a lot, especially when you feel like the worst mommy in the world. This is a good place to meet other moms who have/had ppd.
http://bbs.babycenter.com/board/baby/emotrecovery/3374
It's not your fault, it's one of the cruelest things to ever happen to a woman, to be stricken down with this disorder in a time that should be filled with such joy.
GET HELP. Don't try to tough it out. Do it for your kid, right now his brain is developing in a special way that will wire him for life. He needs to learn how to be happy from you, by the way you are and how you react to him.
At first doc gave me Prozac, and that made me sleepy and killed my sex drive, then I got Wellbutrin SR. That did the trick, no more "bad thoughts" and I was able to function with my life.

Thanks for the link. I go to babycenter frequently, but their site is hard to navigate, I'll find something once and if I don't book mark it I can't ever find it again.

 

[catalina_francisco]

LOL guys, thanks for the Cruise Hijack! Made me chuckle to all!

Well that is good news!!

Catalina