H U M O R

[Senna Jawa]

(from Internet)


A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

 

[Angeline]

(from Internet)


A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Hi Senna and Happy New Year to you and yours.

Why do I think this is really the beginning of a lesson in unnecessary explanation of dialogue?

 

[Senna Jawa]

for fun only

Hi Senna and Happy New Year to you and yours.

Thank you, Angeline. And let me too wish you and everybody to have a wonderful year 2010. (I was hoping that the greeting season was already over ).

Why do I think this is really the beginning of a lesson in unnecessary explanation of dialogue?

You're teasing me. I have no sophisticated ulterior motive (nor a crude one, nor any). Rybka used to entertain us in a special humor thread. Perhaps now it's my turn. It may become a tradition (of course I cannot know). I am not sure if I can be as consistent and reliable as Rybka was.

Best regards,

 

[Angeline]

Thank you, Angeline. And let me too wish you and everybody to have a wonderful year 2010. (I was hoping that the greeting season was already over ).



You're teasing me. I have no sophisticated ulterior motive (nor a crude one, nor any). Rybka used to entertain us in a special humor thread. Perhaps now it's my turn. It may become a tradition (of course I cannot know). I am not sure if I can be as consistent and reliable as Rybka was.

Best regards,

Rybka had an all but frightening repetoire of bad jokes. I miss them, too.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Russians on marriage

(translated from Russian Internet)

• -- Good morning m'am. How is your headache?
  -- Went out to play cards.

• Dishes prepared by my wife simply melt in the throat. I wish, she'd learn to defrost them first.

• -- Honey, I'll go fishing tonight.
  -- Yeah, a sardine has already called here three times.

 

[EroticOrogeny]

A Russian translation of a passage in the Bible supposed comes out:

The liquor is good, but the meat is bad.

 

[smotherman]

There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy.

One is to take her shopping.

The rest is 69.

 

[Senna Jawa]

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT (from Internet)

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

 

[Senna Jawa]

Well said hence fun, while true and very sad

"As an American I am not so shocked that Obama was given the Nobel Peace Prize without any accomplishments to his name, but that America gave him the White House based on the same credentials."

** Newt Gingrich**

 

[Senna Jawa]

Direct = Efficient

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the well-established family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune after his sickly father dies, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share this fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I hope she is as smart as she looks", he thought to himself. He approached her and engaged in a small conversation.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card, and three weeks later she became his stepmother.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Where to eat?

A group of 40-year old buddies met and discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again; and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is great.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.

 

[Senna Jawa]

The black bra magic

I had lunch with two of my unmarried girlfriends, while I am a married woman.
One of them is engaged, the other one is a mistress, and I have been married for five years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said:

What's for dinner, Zorro..?​

 

[EroticOrogeny]

My wife told me this one the other day:

An old couple is sitting together on the porch, having breakfast as they usually do.
Suddenly she hits him on the side of the head, so hard he falls out of his chair.
After he gets up and recovers his composure he asks "What was that for?"
She answers "For 45 years of bad sex."
He hits her about the head she she tumbles out.
She dusts herself off and asks "And what was that for?"
He responds "For knowing the difference."

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Now That's a Shopping List

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Now That's a Shopping List

Did you manage to get it all?

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Did you manage to get it all?

Hah!

My life is not so exciting. Clearly I need better shopping nearby.

 

[Angeline]

Now That's a Shopping List

I can't believe people still use that gross Hamburger Helper.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

I can't believe people still use that gross Hamburger Helper.

But judging from the other items it may not be used in the conventional manner.

 

[Angeline]

But judging from the other items it may not be used in the conventional manner.

We had a Thriftway market near us in Maine, though I hasten to add that's not my list.

Lol, ok, that's enough of that. But I'm dying to know where Dora found that list. I know it's not hers, either. She's a vegatarian.

 

[EroticOrogeny]

Perhaps too much truth to be funny:
Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk and come back in a coupld of hours.
Guess which one will be happy to see you?