Guys, would you want to know ? Or not know ?

[whynotjustsayit]

So I gots a little problem, boys and girls. This ain't a "how to" kind of thing. Can anyone help me out ? I just want some opinions.

There's this guy at my gym that I have been FIERCELY in lust with- for over a year now. But I can't seduce him, I can't fuck him. I can't do the things to him I desperately wish I could do. It is what it is. Nothing physical can happen between us. Or should happen. I'm married. That's the facts.

I've controlled myself ridiculously well but......I've been staring at him for a long time and this has made us go through various stages in this weird gym association of our's.

At first I think he liked the attention. For a while. He'd come and work out near me, in front of me, return my gaze a lot, etc. I guess always waiting for *me* to make the first move. I never did, I never could. I hoped he would just talk to me, be friends, but like, I couldn't say a word to him because I was afraid I'd rip his clothes off the minute he'd talk to me. Yeah, can you say, sexual tension ???

So anyways, after a while I think he began to hate how things were and then he started avoiding me. Not completely but...like I'd only see him for the first ten minutes of my workout, instead of him being there for the whole workout time when I am.

But recently, maybe things thawed from his end....he's started working out again a little later when I'm there, and he seems approachable. But still weirded out a little I think.

Am I being ridiculous because I just want to tell him why I always used to stare at him every chance I got ? I just want to tell him that I think he's totally gorgeous...that I didn't mean to weird him out or get him mad or think I was trying to manipulate him. It really bothers me if this guy might think I've just been trying to fuck with his mind and toy with him for fun. There's real reasons behind why I never tried to initiate or accelerate things between us.

Let's face it...it's got to be pretty weird to him that I would stare at him endlessly but yet never initiate anything with him. (Although, it's equally weird that, seeing me eyeball him every chance I get, he'd seem to like it but then never initiate anything with me.) Well, I've been told that guys are very intimated to initiate anything with women in gyms. Or who knows, maybe he's in a relationship with someone. Anyways, I digress.

So let me try to wrap this up. Guys, put yourself in these gym shoes....If I was staring at you, sexy man, for days, weeks, months at a gym but it was going nowhere beyond that with us...would you be annoyed or creeped out by this ? Or would you act on it and approach me and try to chat me up ? Keep in mind I'm older than you, and you're probably quite a bit younger. So, I just want you to know now I find you VERY attractive and I didn't mean any harm by the staring...should I even bother to tell you this ? Or are you just going to translate what I'm saying in your own male mind to "she wants me to pursue, despite what she says I think she wants me to fuck her, I'm going for it." And then you'll get mad if I don't deliver ?

Can guys think outside the, er, box ? Or if a woman lets you know she finds you attractive, you pretty much expect sex out of it ?

Yeah yeah yeah, I know there's gonna be some who are going to say, I'm married so I have NO business telling this guy anything like that. I should just keep my mouth shut. And I have done that. I'm still capable of doing it. But this is all I can do to interact with this guy. I can't fuck him but it's just killing me I haven't even been able to talk with him. And I really love seeing him around at the gym. It would be nice if we could just chat and be friendly. Nothing wrong with that is there ? To let off the sexual tension that's slowly driving me insane ? Maybe I'll even find out he's a jerk and that will diffuse things as well ?

Well, if you read through all this blah blah blah, thanks, in advance for your opinions.

 

[Miles Long]

So you've never actually had a conversation with this guy? Not even a hello? If that's the case then I think it's pretty likely that you've put way more thought into this than he has. I doubt he would have spent time trying to decide why you aren't talking to him. If he's noticed you staring he probably just thought, "Oh that woman was looking at me just now while I'm working out. I wonder what's the score of the basketball game." Lots of people focus on their workouts and don't pay a lot of attention to the other gym goers. I'm guessing he isn't changing his workout schedule based on you, it's probably just a reflection of some change in his daily schedule. Those are just my general impressions and guesses based on what you've written here. As for your specific questions:


If I was staring at you, sexy man, for days, weeks, months at a gym but it was going nowhere beyond that with us...would you be annoyed or creeped out by this ?
If all you did was stare and never come over to me or say anything to me, I might not even notice let alone being annoyed or creeped out. I might find it kinda weird, but then I'd go back into my own little world and worry about my workout instead of the other people at the gym.

Or would you act on it and approach me and try to chat me up ?
I probably wouldn't act on it, but that's mainly because I go to the gym to work out, not pick up women.


Keep in mind I'm older than you, and you're probably quite a bit younger. So, I just want you to know now I find you VERY attractive and I didn't mean any harm by the staring...should I even bother to tell you this ? Or are you just going to translate what I'm saying in your own male mind to "she wants me to pursue, despite what she says I think she wants me to fuck her, I'm going for it." And then you'll get mad if I don't deliver ?
If I see a wedding ring on your hand I'm definitely not going to hit on you. What's the point? As for telling me I'm attractive, well that would be flattering and it would probably make me feel good. I wouldn't assume it means you want me to pursue you or fuck you (especially if you're married), but just that you find me attractive. This is definitely a case of where the delivery will determine if I'm flattered or find it weird and uncomfortable. Personally I tend to be pretty clueless that a woman finds me attractive, so I would probably be caught off guard but flattered.


Can guys think outside the, er, box ? Or if a woman lets you know she finds you attractive, you pretty much expect sex out of it ?
No matter how attracted to me a woman is, I never expect sex. Saves me a lot of disappointment that way.

 

[cliteatingman]

i would assume a woman who told me she though I was sexy wanted to fuck me and the I am married part was about why we had to be discreet

 

[whynotjustsayit]

So you've never actually had a conversation with this guy? Not even a hello? If that's the case then I think it's pretty likely that you've put way more thought into this than he has. I doubt he would have spent time trying to decide why you aren't talking to him. If he's noticed you staring he probably just thought, "Oh that woman was looking at me just now while I'm working out. I wonder what's the score of the basketball game." Lots of people focus on their workouts and don't pay a lot of attention to the other gym goers. I'm guessing he isn't changing his workout schedule based on you, it's probably just a reflection of some change in his daily schedule. Those are just my general impressions and guesses based on what you've written here. As for your specific questions:


If I was staring at you, sexy man, for days, weeks, months at a gym but it was going nowhere beyond that with us...would you be annoyed or creeped out by this ?
If all you did was stare and never come over to me or say anything to me, I might not even notice let alone being annoyed or creeped out. I might find it kinda weird, but then I'd go back into my own little world and worry about my workout instead of the other people at the gym.

Or would you act on it and approach me and try to chat me up ?
I probably wouldn't act on it, but that's mainly because I go to the gym to work out, not pick up women.


Keep in mind I'm older than you, and you're probably quite a bit younger. So, I just want you to know now I find you VERY attractive and I didn't mean any harm by the staring...should I even bother to tell you this ? Or are you just going to translate what I'm saying in your own male mind to "she wants me to pursue, despite what she says I think she wants me to fuck her, I'm going for it." And then you'll get mad if I don't deliver ?
If I see a wedding ring on your hand I'm definitely not going to hit on you. What's the point? As for telling me I'm attractive, well that would be flattering and it would probably make me feel good. I wouldn't assume it means you want me to pursue you or fuck you (especially if you're married), but just that you find me attractive. This is definitely a case of where the delivery will determine if I'm flattered or find it weird and uncomfortable. Personally I tend to be pretty clueless that a woman finds me attractive, so I would probably be caught off guard but flattered.


Can guys think outside the, er, box ? Or if a woman lets you know she finds you attractive, you pretty much expect sex out of it ?
No matter how attracted to me a woman is, I never expect sex. Saves me a lot of disappointment that way.

Thanks for the reply, Miles. Do your opinions change about how you would act if I don't wear my wedding ring to the gym and therefore, you have no idea if I'm married or in a relationship with anyone? I don't wear my ring in the gym.

Let's also assume you definitely have noticed that I visually ogle you. A lot.

You sound like a class act, Miles. Or you have a proportionate ego, not inflated. It has been my experience with a few guys already that if I stare and I don't approach, they pretty much like it at first for a while, but then get pissed off after a while and yes, definitely move their workout times. It's a pattern I've noticed.

Yes, boys and girls, it isn't only men who are pervs at the gym !

 

[whynotjustsayit]

i would assume a woman who told me she though I was sexy wanted to fuck me and the I am married part was about why we had to be discreet

Thanks for your reply.

So, maybe you could go a little more in depth. Assume you do not know I'm married, until I do tell you.

(1) If I was staring at you for days, weeks, months at a gym but it was going nowhere beyond that with us...would you be annoyed or creeped out by this ?

(2) Or would you act on it and approach me and try to chat me up ?

(3) Keep in mind I'm older than you, and you're probably quite a bit younger. So, I just want you to know now I find you VERY attractive and I didn't mean any harm by the staring...should I even bother to tell you this ? Or is it better you don't know if I can't take things further ?

(4) So if you think there's sex in it for you... do you get mad if I don't deliver ? Start avoiding me and such ?

 

[Leftwriter]

Yes, I'd assume sex was on the menu

From my point of view . . .

Why tell someone you think they are sexy unless you want something to happen? It isn't like you're telling them they are smart or a really good dancer or something. You are specifically telling someone that when you see them that you think about sex.

Consider the alternatives from his perspective; what possible motives could you have for saying this other than to start a dialogue toward an inevitable sexual encounter?

If you honestly think you could just be friends with him, then by all means strike up a conversation, but I'd keep it purely non-sexual. The trouble is, long-term, if you become friends and start regularly working out together, there are very good odds that at some point your body's needs will overcome your head's rationality and you'll find yourself screwing him in a hot animalistic way only to return to the reality of wanting to be monogamous after several orgasms.

Or, perhaps, you need to reconsider if monogamy is really for you and, if not, have a serious conversation with your husband. There's nothing wrong with non-monogamy, it just is best done when everyone involved is open and honest.

 

[LWulf]

From my point of view...

...why would I offer someone else's? Okay, that's pointless. I have had several occasions where I was associating with a woman while working out or working with her. Words like "you look handsome" or "you look 'good'" don't usually register to us as a come-on. It's just saying "you look good" "Oh hey, I do? cool, thanks. I think you look good too!"

Here I am thinking "Okay we are getting into a good workout or working well together" and then suddenly I notice a change in her, or maybe I'll suspect she was thinking I was coming on to her. Nothing is said though.

I'd get weirded out and move off because I'm thinking I was causing problems to her for some reason.

Later on, then I'd feel, since nothing was stated outright, that I was mistaken. I'd feel embarrassed that I had jumped to whatever conclusion I had and try to make amends by being friendly, but I would be a little cautious JUST IN CASE my suspicions were correct.

I wouldn't ask outright if my suspicions are true, because if I was wrong, then I'd be embarrassing her, if I was right, then I'd be hurting her feelings. Either way, I'm doomed, unless I just keep my tongue between my teeth.

The scary thing is when someone pulls me up short and says that my being friendly was perceived as being flirtatious. At which point I'm all manner of "Huh, what?!?"

Guys, for the most part, aren't very complex creatures. If we hit on someone, it's usually in a VERY painfully obvious way. Think "ton of bricks".
Opposed to that, most guys usually need a brick planted firmly between the eyes before we notice someone expressing interest in us.

There are guys that LOOK for and HOPE that the slightest indication of interest is a come-on, but that's not the same thing.

There is the occasional man that is quite suave in flirtation. However, this guy usually is the first to make with the flirtations and then you are back to flirting that qualifies as falling like a ton of bricks. He would be relentless and not back away.

I'll agree mostly what Miles said beyond that.

 

[Leftwriter]

general versus specific

I differentiated "from my perspective" as opposed to making blanket statements that supposedly represent all guys. I'm in an open relationship and so my perspective might be different than others.

Bottom line, figure out what you'd like to have happen before talking with him. If you really don't want anything to happen, then it is probably safer to not say anything.

 

[whynotjustsayit]

From my point of view . . .

Why tell someone you think they are sexy unless you want something to happen? It isn't like you're telling them they are smart or a really good dancer or something. You are specifically telling someone that when you see them that you think about sex.

Consider the alternatives from his perspective; what possible motives could you have for saying this other than to start a dialogue toward an inevitable sexual encounter?

If you honestly think you could just be friends with him, then by all means strike up a conversation, but I'd keep it purely non-sexual. The trouble is, long-term, if you become friends and start regularly working out together, there are very good odds that at some point your body's needs will overcome your head's rationality and you'll find yourself screwing him in a hot animalistic way only to return to the reality of wanting to be monogamous after several orgasms.

Or, perhaps, you need to reconsider if monogamy is really for you and, if not, have a serious conversation with your husband. There's nothing wrong with non-monogamy, it just is best done when everyone involved is open and honest.

Thanks for sharing that. True and wise, all of it.

Well, I know I could remain friends but...would this guy want to, ya know? I don't see much likelihood of that. My impression is that most men don't choose to deliberately acquire purely platonic female "friends" unless there is something alternately valuable to them beyond mere company and other than sex to be gained.

 

[whynotjustsayit]

From my point of view...

...why would I offer someone else's? Okay, that's pointless. I have had several occasions where I was associating with a woman while working out or working with her. Words like "you look handsome" or "you look 'good'" don't usually register to us as a come-on. It's just saying "you look good" "Oh hey, I do? cool, thanks. I think you look good too!"

Here I am thinking "Okay we are getting into a good workout or working well together" and then suddenly I notice a change in her, or maybe I'll suspect she was thinking I was coming on to her. Nothing is said though.

I'd get weirded out and move off because I'm thinking I was causing problems to her for some reason.

Later on, then I'd feel, since nothing was stated outright, that I was mistaken. I'd feel embarrassed that I had jumped to whatever conclusion I had and try to make amends by being friendly, but I would be a little cautious JUST IN CASE my suspicions were correct.

I wouldn't ask outright if my suspicions are true, because if I was wrong, then I'd be embarrassing her, if I was right, then I'd be hurting her feelings. Either way, I'm doomed, unless I just keep my tongue between my teeth.

The scary thing is when someone pulls me up short and says that my being friendly was perceived as being flirtatious. At which point I'm all manner of "Huh, what?!?"

Guys, for the most part, aren't very complex creatures. If we hit on someone, it's usually in a VERY painfully obvious way. Think "ton of bricks".
Opposed to that, most guys usually need a brick planted firmly between the eyes before we notice someone expressing interest in us.

There are guys that LOOK for and HOPE that the slightest indication of interest is a come-on, but that's not the same thing.

There is the occasional man that is quite suave in flirtation. However, this guy usually is the first to make with the flirtations and then you are back to flirting that qualifies as falling like a ton of bricks. He would be relentless and not back away.

I'll agree mostly what Miles said beyond that.

Thanks. And I will keep that "ton of bricks" method in mind.

 

[Syphus]

I'll keep mine short. Unlike most people, I am not going to assume anything from women. If girls can like being told they look pretty, why can't I appreciate that someone thinks I'm sexy, even if nothing is gonna happen?

 

[whynotjustsayit]

I'll keep mine short. Unlike most people, I am not going to assume anything from women. If girls can like being told they look pretty, why can't I appreciate that someone thinks I'm sexy, even if nothing is gonna happen?

Huh. That's cool of you. Wish more guys thought that way. Increasingly I think there is a sense of entitlement to sex amongst many if a woman shows interest, especially first.

 

[LimoAndPizza]

Even if I knew a woman was eyeing me at the gym, I probably wouldn't approach her. Doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate it or think about it, but the gym is one of the last places I'd make a move.

That said, it would be a complete turn-on to know someone was lusting after me on a daily basis. If you don't know how to verbally tell him you're attracted to him but can't do anything about it because you're married, have you considered slipping him a note? I know. It's totally 7th grade, but you could write down everything you're thinking...and explain why nothing will happen, but that you're thinking about him.

I dunno. Maybe I'm weird, but that would do it for me.

 

[whynotjustsayit]

Even if I knew a woman was eyeing me at the gym, I probably wouldn't approach her. Doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate it or think about it, but the gym is one of the last places I'd make a move.

That said, it would be a complete turn-on to know someone was lusting after me on a daily basis. If you don't know how to verbally tell him you're attracted to him but can't do anything about it because you're married, have you considered slipping him a note? I know. It's totally 7th grade, but you could write down everything you're thinking...and explain why nothing will happen, but that you're thinking about him.

I dunno. Maybe I'm weird, but that would do it for me.

Huh....so you would really be cool with receiving a note like that...knowing things would go nowhere with me beyond that and/or just being friends? How would you treat me afterwards? Would you still secretly hope or work for...more?

 

[DrRickMarshall]

I'd probably think I killed your puppy or did something to piss you off if you kept staring at ME without saying anything.

 

[LimoAndPizza]

Huh....so you would really be cool with receiving a note like that...knowing things would go nowhere with me beyond that and/or just being friends? How would you treat me afterwards? Would you still secretly hope or work for...more?

I'd probably hope for more, sure, but I like to think I'd respect you enough to not cross a boundary you don't want to cross.

 

[whynotjustsayit]

I'd probably think I killed your puppy or did something to piss you off if you kept staring at ME without saying anything.

Thanks. I could see that being a possible reaction indeed.

 

[whynotjustsayit]

I'd probably hope for more, sure, but I like to think I'd respect you enough to not cross a boundary you don't want to cross.

Hmm. I see. You sound like a decent guy if you think that way. But how many other guys would have "respect" for a married woman who compliments their attractiveness? Is the respect present only with hope for more, but then respect is promptly ditched if it turns out I am serious that things can only be platonic, at least in the physical sense?

Who could be the possible architect of false hope in this case with my gym guy? Me, for saying anything to him? Or him for possibly not wanting to follow or respect guidelines?

 

[Aphro]

Not a guy, but, I'm trying to figure out why all this time you did NOT strike up some idle, gym-inspired chit chat with him? I mean, whether you are going to fuck him or not is immaterial...you can still be friendly, and a little harmless flirty chit chat never hurts.

I am thinking working out next to each other would bring all sorts of opportunities for idle talk about, oh, amount of weight, number of reps, aerobic vs. anaerobic, are carbs the devils own work...all sorts of conversation starters. Just because you don't want to cheat on your spouse doesn't mean you have to segregate yourself from the opposite sex. I'm married too, but, I still love to smile and flirt and chat with guys if the opportunity presents itself. Just not going back to their place afterwards.

I'd try smiling and saying hello to him, along with something risky like "nice weather today, huh?" and see how he responds. Somehow along the way, you can inoffensively slip in things like "My husband and I really like the blackened Tuna at Chez Swanky...have you tried it?" just to make sure he knows you're married.

 

[RunningJib]

Depends

Hmm. I see. You sound like a decent guy if you think that way. But how many other guys would have "respect" for a married woman who compliments their attractiveness? Is the respect present only with hope for more, but then respect is promptly ditched if it turns out I am serious that things can only be platonic, at least in the physical sense?

Who could be the possible architect of false hope in this case with my gym guy? Me, for saying anything to him? Or him for possibly not wanting to follow or respect guidelines?

I think (and know) its possible.

I think this all depends upon you. Admittedly, acknowledging and articulating your 'lust' is full of peril as everyone has mentioned

If you tactfully admit how you admire this gentleman, there's that potential that he may perceive as an invitation to act upon. If you have the where with all to make certain that you're admiring his body and have no intentions of acting upon this, he may welcome your admiration and take you at you word.

Just be certain to chose your words carefully

 

[whynotjustsayit]

Not a guy, but, I'm trying to figure out why all this time you did NOT strike up some idle, gym-inspired chit chat with him? I mean, whether you are going to fuck him or not is immaterial...you can still be friendly, and a little harmless flirty chit chat never hurts.

I am thinking working out next to each other would bring all sorts of opportunities for idle talk about, oh, amount of weight, number of reps, aerobic vs. anaerobic, are carbs the devils own work...all sorts of conversation starters. Just because you don't want to cheat on your spouse doesn't mean you have to segregate yourself from the opposite sex. I'm married too, but, I still love to smile and flirt and chat with guys if the opportunity presents itself. Just not going back to their place afterwards.

I'd try smiling and saying hello to him, along with something risky like "nice weather today, huh?" and see how he responds. Somehow along the way, you can inoffensively slip in things like "My husband and I really like the blackened Tuna at Chez Swanky...have you tried it?" just to make sure he knows you're married.

Yeah, you're right. At first it was the want-to-rip-his-clothes-off factor. But now a lot of time has gone by where I didn't try to chat him up and now it feels awkward to try. How do you talk to someone who's been seeing you around for a year and yet no words ever got exchanged? The only way to find out is to try, I know. But I suck at superficial chit chat. That's one reason I can't think of an innocent conversation starter. But thanks for your input. Good stuff.

 

[LimoAndPizza]

I suppose my question is, what's the worst that could happen?

Either
You introduce yourself, tell him you've been checking him out but you're only interested in platonic interactions because you're married, and you become friends...
OR
You go through those steps, he thinks it's an open invitation to get frisky, you say no and y'all start ignoring each other...basically it's the status quo, minus a period of awkwardness.

It all depends on whether the guy's respectful or a jerk.

(Also, fwiw, I'm awful at idle chit-chat, too. It's brutal.)

 

[whynotjustsayit]

I think (and know) its possible.

I think this all depends upon you. Admittedly, acknowledging and articulating your 'lust' is full of peril as everyone has mentioned

If you tactfully admit how you admire this gentleman, there's that potential that he may perceive as an invitation to act upon. If you have the where with all to make certain that you're admiring his body and have no intentions of acting upon this, he may welcome your admiration and take you at you word.

Just be certain to chose your words carefully

Choosing the right words...ah, yes. Brutally imperative. And vexing.

Well said. Thank you for your thoughts.

 

[whynotjustsayit]

I suppose my question is, what's the worst that could happen?

Either
You introduce yourself, tell him you've been checking him out but you're only interested in platonic interactions because you're married, and you become friends...
OR
You go through those steps, he thinks it's an open invitation to get frisky, you say no and y'all start ignoring each other...basically it's the status quo, minus a period of awkwardness.

It all depends on whether the guy's respectful or a jerk.

(Also, fwiw, I'm awful at idle chit-chat, too. It's brutal.)

Addendum to second likelihood..if he turns out to be a jerk then not only might he ignore me but disappear from the workout time slot I see him. Which could be brutal because he's the best gym eye candy around- or it could be good for me, because he's the best gym eye candy around. Hmmmm.

Brutal seems to be the word of the day. Sigh. This chit chat thing...can't I just tell him I mean nothing by it but would he PLEASE whip out his cock so I could see if it is as beautiful as the rest of him??? (Kidding, kidding.)

 

[LimoAndPizza]

Addendum to second likelihood..if he turns out to be a jerk then not only might he ignore me but disappear from the workout time slot I see him. Which could be brutal because he's the best gym eye candy around- or it could be good for me, because he's the best gym eye candy around. Hmmmm.

Brutal seems to be the word of the day. Sigh. This chit chat thing...can't I just tell him I mean nothing by it but would he PLEASE whip out his cock so I could see if it is as beautiful as the rest of him??? (Kidding, kidding.)

A gentleman would do as he's asked.