Gunslinger's Thief

[ShyWetThief]

*glows with pride* My very first thread on my very first story!!! (Sorry, sometimes I'm easily excitable)

Okay, this is for feed back on Gunslinger's Thief - Chp 1, written by me, ShyWetThief, under SciFi/Fantasy, which can be found here ...

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=214805

I have received a couple of feedback emails, (and yes, I know that there are parts that seem to jump suddenly - I had a brake between those spaces, but I guess it got lost when I transfered the file over) But I would really love more oppinions.

Thankyou for your time and effort, and keep an eye open, I'm almost done with the second chapter!

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi ShyWetThief,

Your chapter works as an opening in that it piqued my interest. I can't see for sure where the story will go, always a good thing.

The main erotic encounter was of no interest to me. I have an aversion for scenes in which a woman is initially coerced and then proceeds to enjoy herself, so I'm probably not part of your target audience. Even so, I thought it was generally well written, if perhaps a bit hurried.

The biggest style issue I noticed was an overuse of adverbs. If you don't know what I mean, please have a look here:
http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm

I thought the characters were consistent except this one part:
The gunslinger spun, drew his guns, and fired six times all within the wink of an eye. As he struggled to look for survivors through the smoke, he heard the young lady's laughter and realized he was a coin purse lighter yet again.
The smoke is a nice touch, but I wasn't willing to believe a seasoned gunslinger would fall for such a ruse, much less turn and empty his weapon like that.

Even though it's in Sci-Fi/Fantasy, the setting appears to be mostly wild west. I don't care so much about that, however little details that didn't seem to fit the time period, such as a zipper instead of buttons and panties instead of bloomers, jarred me out of the story.

Of course, these minor issues were nowhere near as jarring as sudden jumps. Spaces don't work well as breaks within online stories. You might want to consider using a line of several asterisks. Whatever you decide to use as spacing, you should submit an updated version before adding chapter two.

Hope that helps.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[ShyWetThief]

I appreciate the adivice, ... thankyou

Sorry it's taken so long for me to respond. I'm still fairly new to public writing and I had to wait for my inner child to stop throwing fits before answering.

Thankyou for all of your advice. I didn't think that adverbs were used overly much .... but then again, I guess I'm biased. I am going to resubmit it (I wasn't aware that I could/should) if nothing else for the separations. I don't think I'll change the adverbs unless I get more of a response about it.

As for the inconsistancies *smiles* This story is based on the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. (I plan on adding a note to this effect when I resubmit it) Think of a postapocolipitic (sp?) western.... sort of. In this world, the setting looks like a western, people behave in a mixure of old west meets medieval Europe, and occationally bits of the modern element enter. (ie - zippers, an ice making machine, or the shell of an ancient automobile). It's a fantastic series if you ever feel inclined to read it. Anyway, Gunslingers are supposed to be like knights - using their strength and skill to champion some cause or another.

*grins* wow, didn't mean to lecture you about that....
Anyway ... Once again, thanks for your input... it was helpful *smiles*
be well