Group Sex Story

[alexander tzara]

Hello. Does anyone want to give any feedback on the group sex story, Abby & Bernardo (A Quiet Night In), posted on 9th July? It's one of my old stories which I dusted off and reworked.

It's annoying that I noticed several spelling mistakes and typos when it was already up there and too late to change but hopefully those aren't too obtrusive.

 

[Chicklet]

Hey there,

Obviously since you re-wrote this you know that you can just resubmit = ) If the spelling and other errors annoy you, why not fix it and put it back up?

I'll be back to read your story later, no time now (i'm late! i'm late! for a very important date!)

ttyl
Chicklet

 

[alexander tzara]

Thanks for the reply, Chicklet.

The original version was posted under a different name so it was easy to resubmit it as Alexander Tzara. But there doesn't seem to be a function for you to deleat one of your stories and resubmit it. So if I did that my author profile would end up with the same story twice.

 

[hiddenself]

You simply submit the rewritten version with the word EDITED in the title and add a note to Laurel who will substitute the new version in place of the old. That preserves votes and rating, I believe.

 

[hiddenself]

Mr Sinister Minister,

This was a very decent story, particularly considering that you told it from a female POV (I wonder if it feels as a genuinely female voice to women).

Yes, there were occasional spelling errors but most didn't distract me too much. But, this one seemed particularly offensive:

"Yeah, Catriona told me the kind of video's you like."
(videos)

Some minor issues with interruption of the flow as I was reading. For example, leaving out the subject works out mostly, but not in all instances. This one was particularly confusing:

Wet with excitement.
I'm wet with excitement?

One relatively more serious thing was Abby's thinking about the group sex. In the beginning you have her exclaiming

"Like I'm going to let a hussy like YOU anywhere near my husband!"

but later she is all too eager to direct Cat to her husband:

"Better check on your patient, Cat," I say...

This felt a little abrupt, as the psychological transformation did not come across to me.

On the other hand, I thought you used the present tense very ably and the pacing was right on.

Some pretty nifty descriptions
goateed toyboy
This feels sooooluxurious and I'm soon groaning my approval.

Simple, yet expressive. No cliches. And I thought the sex scenes were pretty vivid.

All in all a good stroke story. I tend to like more psychological complications and drama (conflict, tension, etc) along with the sex, and this was a little too plain for me. But it was still far superior than many of the stories here. I'll have to go read some more of your stories (and I see that you have a few E's too, which tend to be more reliable than the H's).

 

[alexander tzara]

Thanks for the indepth review, Hiddenself. That's a great help. I agree with most of what you say and I'm peeved that I didn't even notice "video's" after several readthroughs. It's hard to proofread your own writing sometimes.

There's just one wee bit I'd like to clarify.

One relatively more serious thing was Abby's thinking about the group sex. In the beginning you have her exclaiming

"Like I'm going to let a hussy like YOU anywhere near my husband!"

She's joking there - just playful banter on a girls' night out.

but later she is all too eager to direct Cat to her husband:

"Better check on your patient, Cat," I say...

I agree that it would've been more realistic if I'd given Abby a bit more indecision before offering up her husband to Cat like that.

Thanks again for taking the time to read it and give your opinions.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Hello, Roger! I missed you. I miss Ginger, too.

It's great to see 'round these parts again!

 

[alexander tzara]

Hello, Muffingirl. Good to see you're still here. Gingershnapps sends her fond regards too. She can't remember any of her passwords, so she's floating out there in the ether until she gets round to coming up with a new name.

 

[bigandbold]

Killermuffin/chicklets

Read stories from both of these ladies.After your postings , I checked your profiles..fabulous , I am a fan and will never miss any of your stories

thank you