Group Poem "Live" by Rhyme N Punishment

[Rhyme N Punishment]

LIVE
by Rhyme N Punishment ©


I miss live sounds echoing off bedroom walls
muffled inside pillow face down screams
casual moans through microphones
sounds of lovers over clinking glasses
hesitant pause before applause
I miss the live sound of living
you drinking at my breast

I miss live sounds
whispered sighs, the space between breaths
echoes of lovers' laughter
like wind rustling through dry leaves
the rhythmic click of heels on bare wood floors
I miss the live sound of living
and memories of you

I miss live sounds gliding out open windows
stifled behind closed teeth cries of need
tentative greetings of public meetings
awkwardly rendered attempted humor
uncertain hush after first touch
I miss the live sound of living
in the time when I had you.

 

[Savage Kitten]

You didn't have to take your team name so literal

I can see what you were attempting to do but the poem doesn't really go anywhere..

The 1st stanza makes an attempt at a beginning. If I decipher like I've never deciphered in my life.... I can possibly see 2 lovers, their joining, and a birth. But the next 2 stanzas leave me completely lost.

Overall.. this could be about birth, living, and dying.... but thats really grasping..


Sk~

 

[Unmasked Poet]

For me this one stands out. I like the rhyme and meter of the first and third verse. Kudo's to Risia for picking up on Camille's pattern. The bridge (middle stanza)captures the same feeling yet is a bit sentimental. The dry leaves line is a bit cliche, I enjoyed the click of heel on bare floors line. I have yet to climb inside this poem obviously we are dealing with loss. The poem as a single entity echos with that feeling. I will write more later.


U.P.

 

[Honey Dipped]

I really like this one! The rhyme worked nicely. It was a nice, simple poem that really spoke to me.
Good job!

 

[SA Storm]

.

 

[Debbie]

I liked this poem. It gave me a feeling of what had been. So much experienced, shared together.

These lines says it all for me

"I miss the live sound of living
and memories of you"
"I miss the live sound of living
in the time when I had you"

It flowed very well. All the team members worked well together.
I have read it several times and get a little more from it each time.

 

[daughter]

Living experienced through sounds

This was my favorite poem. This work has several things going for it. Structurally, the form is solid. Camille starts out with a definitive pattern and rhyme. Risia matches it perfectly and Marvel makes a commendable effort at maintaining it. I suspect that Marvel intuitively was trying to parallel the structure and she focused more or carrying the theme and style of the work. All three poets, give us engaging, intimate, concrete images.

Camille starts out with just the right amount of feather and grain. Great contrast with the sounds and imagery in the opening stanza. “muffled inside pillow face down screams” is a kickass image that is both raw and sensual. The opening reflects on the physical intimacy between lovers. Every line enhances the read.

Marvel makes a nice transition with the repetition she takes from the first stanza and follows with more private glimpses into the lives of lovers. Here, my favorite line is “The rhythmic click of heels on bare wood floors”. This is a wonderful image that conjures immediate snapshots of dancing, dinners on upscale loft floors, young lovers scurrying out of studio apartments to chic affairs. The only bump for me was the abrupt transition to loss and absence.

Risia, makes up the hiccup. She is clearly in step with Camille’s choreography. She perfectly matches the meter and rhyme. Her images are mirror images of subtlety and primal energy between lovers,

gliding out open windows
stifled behind closed teeth cries of need.

Smooth transition from walls to windows. How more in succinct can stanzas be? Walls and windows are great metaphors for the stages in both the relationship and the conclusion of the poem. Camille’s images are private moments in private spaces. Risia alerts the reader of the loss with open spaces, public places. The last line was not the strongest finish given the precision and calculated lines that preceded it, but it certainly gives the poem closure.

I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. I gave it my only 5, and I rarely rank works this high. However, you demonstrate laudable skill, art, and feeling in this work.

Well done, ladies.

Peace,

daughter

 

[TheDR4KE]

This poem really highlighted the different approaches everyone took. A story of love lost, of a life gone, of living differently. I think this was probably my second favourite. I feel that it could do with an edit phase, particularly the second stanza which isn't as rich with imagery as the other two -- although the 'space between breaths' and 'click of heels on bare wood' are fantastic.

Very nice

Drake

 

[lovetoread]

Good poem,I liked it. I know that this has to be the only poem where the title actually makes sense.

Great job,ya all!

 

[perks]

this poem was grand. Its imagery, rhythm, symbolism were huge. I'm still reeling. I'm not quite sure if the one image that was begun was continued. Frankly, I didn't care. It was yummy. This one gets in my blood and heats me.

First stanza
loooooove.loooooove this rhythm. and the imagery is<phew>..I think I just had an orgasm. The first three lines make this poem..keep me reading, make me want, make me remember, make me salivate. I must quote them just to see them again.

I miss live sounds echoing off bedroom walls
muffled inside pillow face down screams
casual moans through microphones

and then the line.....I miss the live sounds of living<am going to quote this one on the regular> who wrote this?.....I'm going to have to look now<this is the only stanza I've read that I really wanted to know>

second stanza
wha....what happened?...you lost the beat. I like the way rhythmic click sounds.

third stanza
this was a good stanza. Solid, heartfelt, defining emotional. God I'm feeling such awkward pain in this. I love the sadness portrayed. It is real.

overall, this one stirred me. I keep reading poem, and poets that do that to me. very nice!!!<searching for my gold star>

 

[WickedEve]

Love it!

I really like:
"I miss live sounds echoing off bedroom walls
muffled inside pillow face down screams"

"the rhythmic click of heels on bare wood floors"

"I miss live sounds gliding out open windows"

The entire poem is really good! I think this one may be my favorite.

 

[Whispersecret]

I'm going to give my comments before reading the other comments, so I'm not influenced by what others say. Unfortunately, I didn't do this with the poem by Consenting Couplets, but hindsight is 20/20. My apologies to Consenting Couplets.

LIVE
by Rhyme N Punishment ©


I miss live sounds echoing off bedroom walls
muffled inside pillow face down screams
casual moans through microphones
sounds of lovers over clinking glasses
hesitant pause before applause
I miss the live sound of living
you drinking at my breast

My problem with this poem was that the repeating phrase "live sounds" didn't make sense to me. Were you referring to "live" sounds, versus "recorded" sounds or memories of sounds? The use of the word "live" in that manner was off just enough to make the whole poem feel wrong to me. But I'm admittedly a stickler for correct word usage.

Line two- the lack of puncutation makes this line difficult for me to understand. I read it first like this "muffled inside pillow face," and wonder what a pillow face is. I read it again, "muffled inside pillow, face-down screams." Ah. That makes more sense, but a comma would have kept me from misunderstanding the first time.

I notice the subtle rhyming pattern within lines and admire it. I look and see it absent from the second stanza, but picked up in the third.

I don't understand this first stanza at all. My first impression is that someone is missing a lover. Then I get to the microphones part and think, "okay, it's a secret voyeur, not a jilted lover." Then I get to the applause part, and am hopelessly lost, and I don't know what the "live sound of living" is.

I miss live sounds
whispered sighs, the space between breaths
echoes of lovers' laughter
like wind rustling through dry leaves
the rhythmic click of heels on bare wood floors
I miss the live sound of living
and memories of you

Okay, we're back to the wistful lover again, and here, that troublesome phrase (for me) "live sounds" is repeated twice, making me twice as unsettled. Then I notice the apostrophe is after the s in "lovers," which means there is more than one lover, which makes me think it's a voyeur again.

I miss live sounds gliding out open windows
stifled behind closed teeth cries of need
tentative greetings of public meetings
awkwardly rendered attempted humor
uncertain hush after first touch
I miss the live sound of living
in the time when I had you.

I like the contrast of the sounds gliding in the first line and stifled in the second, however, again, in line 2 lack of punctuation makes it a confusing read. First I read it like this, "stifled behind closed teeth cries," and then realize that's wrong and go back and read it, "stifled behind closed teeth, cries of need."

The third line just read awkwardly to me making my tongue stumble, perhaps one too many modifiers. Love the line, "uncertain hush after first touch." I'm also very fond of "in the time when I had you." That line just made me feel wistful.

(Edited to close the bold command.)

 

[Whispersecret]

Okay, I can see that I'm clearly apart from the pack on this one. Heh heh. Glad that others liked it so much. Makes me feel like my comments might not sting quite as much.

 

[daughter]

out of the pack is good, too

WS--

Your observations about punctuation were on point. The 'live sounds' was poetic license in my view. Wasn't necessarily correct usage, but it sounded good and in context of the poem, it worked for me. Good to hear another perspective.

I always enjoy your input. Look forward to hearing more from you. Thanks for giving us your support.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Camille]

Thank you all

I have read and read every comment and I have to say I value all of them. Some advice I will take to heart and others I will keep near the toilet in case I run out of Charmin. This exercise has been great for me and be sure that much of what was said will find it's way into my work. I may not get better fast, but I will get better.

Now to speak for Rhyme N Punishment to that other all girl team.
"ProseActs," Candy's cute but she ain't gettin it done! These sisters are in the medal round. Ha! Stick that in you G-String.

Cammie

 

[mskittykatt]

Hello and Well Met RhymeNPunishment,
Over all I really enjoyed this poem. There were just a couple phrases I didn’t quite grasp the first time around, “muffled inside pillow face down screams” I had to read a second time to understand.
“echoes of lovers' laughter
like wind rustling through dry leaves” I don’t see, lovers’ laughter like wind rustling through dry leaves… this didn’t work for me, personally.
The last verse was my favorite, especially, “I miss the live sound of living in the time when I had you.”

 

[RisiaSkye]

I've just read all the comments, and I'm frankly surprised that this poem was liked by so many. Don't misunderstand, though, I'm thrilled by the response.

I agree with Whisper that the lack of punctuation makes the read more difficult, but I actually kind of like that about it--I have a tendency to be too literal, and I think that Camille's stanza really opens this into the realm of abstraction. It's not easy to take such concrete and haunting images and use them to articulate an abstract feeling, especially one as complex as love and loss.

What to say about that first stanza? The imagery is so, if you'll pardon the pun, alive that I think it fits the title perfectly, even if the grammatical fit is more awkward. I thought the second stanza underscored the loss, so I tried to come back to it and bring the cycle to a close by picking up the original rhyme and meter, then taking it in the direction of moving on through the loss rather than despite it.

I really enjoyed working on this, and I thank Camille and Maid of Marvels for making my job so easy and so enjoyable.

And thanks to all of you for your comments and encouragement.

 

[alice]

great sounds

Camille, for someone who is new to writing poetry, you are making an impressive start.

Enjoyed your team's effort.

alice

 

[KillerMuffin]

I felt quite a bit of loss in this poem. Astonishing since I have a difficult time "feeling" from poetry. Mostly it's the way it's put together, I think. A lot of poetry is the so-called freeverse so people, particularly myself, slap words together with no rhythm. I'm an orderly person and my brain wraps around things that have pattern to it. It doesn't wrap well around things that have no pattern. This one was good with the continuity from one stanza to another.

There was a bump in the second stanza, it just wasn't the same as the others, nor did there seem to be much pattern in how it was put with the rest. I mean in meter. The first and third echo each other, but the second one came from left field.

One thing that bothered me was the first stanza subject didn't match the either two. At first I thought deafness or loss of a child. The other two revolved around a loss of a lover. In the first, though, I didn't get a feeling that "you" was a lover like I did in the other two. Unlike the other two, "you" seems like an afterthought in the first stanza.

 

[Dillinger]

The flow of images here is fast and furious... and overwhelmed me with a rush of images of life... of a life...

And it thrilled me... it completely meshed with the concept of "live."

And the ending - sad at the missing (and wondering why) but still thrilling at what once was.

*smile* Excellent!

 

[Jazzy2]

Ladiesssssssssssssss

Yah baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Damn good bad!

Let me hear it again.

Jazzy2

 

[REDWAVE]

I miss the live sound of living

The three poets meshed very well on this one. I really like the device of making the refrain the next to last line of each stanza. Poignant sense of loss. Excellent job, R&P.