Group poem "Live" by ProseActs

[ProseActs]

For your culinary delights we, the combined efforts of ProseActs, bring you:


The edited version

Live
by ProseActs ©

Candy waits, center stage; cloaked in dim shadow
Bright lights and lambada music startle the girl
"Dance for us.." A deep male voice demands
Tiny, creamy taut breasts jiggle as tassels twirl
Candy dances, her nubile body in perfect tempo

Candy moves her body in perfect sensual motion
Heads turn as Candy performs solo on stage
Her wide eyes full of strong sexual emotion
Eyes not seeing nor believing her true age
Candy dances, her nubile body in perfect tempo

Candy obeys, command performance
Hypnotic rhythm, her body sways
Captured audience sits in awe
Entranced by music, she smiles that way
Tempo of perfection in her nubile body, Candy dances



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Live
by ProseActs ©

Candy waits, center stage; cloaked in dim shadow
Bright lights and lambada music startle the girl
"Dance girl, now!" A deep male voice demands
Twin, creamy taut breasts jiggle as tassels twirl
Candy dances, her nubile body in perfect tempo

Candy moves her body in perfect motion
Her eyes wide open,full of strong emotion
Heads turn as Candy dances on the stage
Eyes not seeing nor believing her true age
Candy dances,her nubile body in perfect tempo

Candy obeys, command performance
Hypnotic rhythm, her body sways
Captured audience sits in awe
Entranced by music, she smiles that way
Tempo of perfection in her nubile body, Candy dances



Please read and vote.

Your comments and thoughts are most humbly appreciated.

ProseActs
debbiexxx
lovetoread
Savage Kitten

 

[mskittykatt]

Hello and Well Met ProseActs!
Gods I didn’t stop to think about all the practice giving feedback entering this contest would give me! ((trembles)) okay… here goes.
I will begin by saying dancing is a passion of mine, so I can easily relate the topic of dance with “Live” To others it may be a tougher match to make, perhaps making it more obvious, that this is for better (or worse) the center of Candy’s life, or destiny would help.

In the first verse the word twin is almost redundant because you are speaking of a woman’s breasts, already being plural.
I like that the picture here is clear without too many descriptive words to complicate things.

in the second verse, I have to admit personally I don’t like rhyme. The fourth line screams “I rhyme” more then it speaks anything of Candy’s age.
Again the point is delivered without too many complicated descriptive words.

In the third verse my question is, does Candy Obey the deep male voice from the first verse, or the beat of the music. Clarifying in that line would show if this is her life’s destiny, or her life’s passion.
I like how it finishes as it began as if dancing, whether in passion or necessity is her life.

Overall I think that this encompasses candy’s life beginning as a dancer clearly, I would just like a better view as to what she feels about her life as a dancer.

 

[ProseActs]

Being the Anchor

In the third verse my question is, does Candy Obey the deep male voice from the first verse, or the beat of the music.

This was my part. I'm glad you had to ask yourself that question. The way you answered it reveals how you feel about music and dancing.

Being the anchor was hard. I knew I had to bring the ~dance~ to a close, as well as decide which pattern of rhyme I was gonna follow. The 2 stanzas before mine ended with the same line, so I felt it was predetermined mine ended the same way. But, that would have left the poem unfinished, so I rearranged the words. Hopefully it worked out. I hope I served my partners well. *grinz*

Thank you MissKitty.. your words are well read!

Sk~

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Waving dollars

I am amazed an exotic dancer as a metaphor for "live" Applause to debbiexxx for the inspiration.
Twin is not needed as kittykat said but who cares on this first round I'm talking mainly about image and feeling. The stanzas all work well together almost too well, I hear once voice. Perhaps debbiexxx and lovetoread and Savage Kitten have all been dancers? (Waving Dollah's lots of them)
This is one my favorites, the ending takes a poignant turn I almost feel a sadness of some kind. I will write more later.

U.P.

 

[Debbie]

Re: Waving dollars

I am amazed an exotic dancer as a metaphor for "live" Applause to debbiexxx for the inspiration.
Twin is not needed as kittykat said but who cares on this first round I'm talking mainly about image and feeling. The stanzas all work well together almost too well, I hear once voice. Perhaps debbiexxx and lovetoread and Savage Kitten have all been dancers? (Waving Dollah's lots of them)
This is one my favorites, the ending takes a poignant turn I almost feel a sadness of some kind. I will write more later.

U.P.

I agree now with kittykat and UP, twin is not necessary. I see that now.
I wrote the first stanza in a totally different form, trying something new.
In the first, third and fifth line there is repitition of letters, eg
candy, center, cloaked
Dance, deep, demands
Twin tassels twirl.

I would now change the word twin.

Thanks lovetoread and Savage Kitten you both did a wonderful job in this poem. I was so worried that I would be too hard to follow as first act. I would have been happier second but you guys were great! We made a great team.
Thank you UP, the inspiration came to me from Live, as in live performing.

 

[Honey Dipped]

Most original approach!

 

[ProseActs]

Ahhh about the rhyme.

I was afraid of using rhyme,but it came out on its own, I am afraid to admit. Please remember that I am the one that is not a great writer of poetry,and I was very scared of letting Debbiexxx and Savage Kitten down.

But I enjoyed this game immensely and hope to get better with time.

Btw...UP how did you know about my former dancing career?


~lovetoread

 

[TheDR4KE]

I thought long about this other interpretation of Live when writing our first stanza, but I prefer writing the deeper philosophical poems over the immediate descriptive ones.

This was a nice reading poem. Great work with the audience/dancing/music influencing the dancer too.

Drake

 

[ProseActs]

Re: Re: Waving dollars

I agree now with kittykat and UP, twin is not necessary. I see that now.

I just wanted to share that when I wrote this poem I wanted to put tiny where twin is. But I felt that because Candy was referred to as being a girl that tiny would make it seem as if she was underage.
My original intention was that she was of age but very small breasted. Next time I would go with my instincts and ensure that my meaning was clear.

*debbiexxx*

 

[Maid of Marvels]

Sexy Sadie...

I really liked this poem. It made me feel as though there is a story waiting to be told. More, please?

 

[tigerjen]

Without being long-winded......thought your poem
was a sensual strip show......loved the vivid descriptions
such as in this line:

"Twin, creamy taut breasts jiggle as tassels twirl "

fabulous!

a good effort!

 

[Guest]

ProseActs,

I found this poem to be quite sensual - the act of dancing for people up on a stage - how much more open can that be? Candy is displaying her body for those people as they watch and dream of being with Candy.

Candy is the sexual sweetness they crave as they watch. She is the reason they come back to this place.

What I found interesting in this poem is the male voice commanding her to dance. Candy has been, for lack of a better word, conditioned to dance for these people without even thinking about it.

When she starts to dance her body takes over - it dances without any effort on her part. Even Candie's smile is without effort. It's all a part of the dance.

If I might add something here please...Dancing up on stage to me is the way some of us go through life. We do things without thinking - we act without reasoning.

I enjoyed this poem very much. And as a side note...It's always been a fantasy of mine. lol Maybe that's why I enjoyed it so much.

 

[Camille]

My favorite

This is the best for me. I like the unique expression they used. The underlying sadness, I felt the sensuality.
When I voted, this was the highest rated poem for me. The duality of the whole poem caught my thoughts and would not let them go. Enchanted, your not alone in your fantasy I'm tempted to take lessons!

Great job!
Girls

Cam

 

[perks]

hmmmmmmmm.

this poem is missing something in the reality. This want's to be the point of view of the dancer's, but it's not really. This is the point of view of a person who thinks they know what a dancer feels.
I do like the way you tell a story. It's a pretty obvious perspective, but the simplicity is sweet.

first stanza
my favorite part is that last line. It is the most honest line, and in my opinion, the most poetic. Candy dances...her name...eye candy....perfect..PERFECT! makes me envisions all sorts of wonderful yumminess.

second stanza
the rhyme kills it for me. It seems forced, although the points made within the rhyme are pretty accurate.
the line "Eyes not seeing nor believing her true age" is so poignant paired with that last line of candy dances...puRRRRR I love that line....I am glad you kept it.

third stanza
she smiles that way....seems out of place, not in rhyme scheme<although it is forced>.....but I don't get it, it seems put there just for the rhyme.
the first time I read that last line.....I was sooooooooo pissed that you changed it. THEN I read it again...then I read it out loud. Then I put some of the emotion I figured you were writing with into it. Having candy dances last......that was brilliant.

overall, not a bad poem, points of it just rub me the wrong way for personal reasons. This, however, may not be a bad thing. It caused me to want to read it over and over to figure out why. I think I read your poem, after my own of course, the most times...lol....I think I've memorized it.

perks

 

[lovetoread]

I think that the thoughts expressed here have made me think and thanks you all for that.

 

[WickedEve]

Very original

Prose Gals! Good job! I like how you're showing us the life of one woman and how she lives it.
The poem allowed me to have a rather vivid scenario playing out in my mind.

 

[Savage Kitten]

third stanza
she smiles that way....seems out of place, not in rhyme scheme<although it is forced>.....but I don't get it, it seems put there just for the rhyme.
the first time I read that last line.....I was sooooooooo pissed that you changed it. THEN I read it again...then I read it out loud. Then I put some of the emotion I figured you were writing with into it. Having candy dances last......that was brilliant.

Perky, Thanx for your comments hun *smiles* I'm glad I get a chance to explain something *chuckles*

I tried to write the 3rd stanza from my own expierence. I have never danced on stage, center of attention, but I do know that people watch me when I dance. There is a cetain feeling I get, with every turn, twist, dip of my body and sensual caress of my hands. For me, the engery that flows through my body while dancing is the closest thing I have ever felt to the sexual energy that flows through me during an orgasm. So, you know that glazed eyed look and that smile of expectation that comes before an orgasm? Well.. that was the way Candy was smiling. *wink*

Thank you for appreciating the last line of that stanza. I toyed with it long and hard. I wasn't sure it would work and I wasn't sure if my partners would understand why I changed it around. After reading it numerous times, as you did, I could see it no other way. It felt so right.


Cammie!

That is the most sweetest thing I have ever heard anyone say! Thank you so very much! I was truely blessed with 2 wonderfully creative partners.

Thank you everyone else who has voted and commented thus far. All the participation is just so outstanding. I'm excited to be a part of it!

Sk~

 

[Whispersecret]

Live
by ProseActs ©

Candy waits, center stage; cloaked in dim shadow
Bright lights and lambada music startle the girl
"Dance girl, now!" A deep male voice demands
Twin, creamy taut breasts jiggle as tassels twirl
Candy dances, her nubile body in perfect tempo

I like the idea of this poem. It brings to mind those billboards advertising "LIVE SEX ACTS," even if she's only dancing. I would liked to have seen an alternative word for "girl" in the second line, because the unseen man uses it in the third, and I see no poetic need to repeat it. Same on the word "dance;" in lines 3 and 5. I'd keep it in line three and oust it in line five.

Then again, I don't know much about poetry. It just seems to me that if a work is short, you should do your best to really NAIL each and every word and make it count.

In this stanza I feel her nervousness when she's startled by the music and has to be prompted by the manager guy. I admire her ability to get into it right away and perform despite her shaky start.

Candy moves her body in perfect motion
Her eyes wide open,full of strong emotion
Heads turn as Candy dances on the stage
Eyes not seeing nor believing her true age
Candy dances,her nubile body in perfect tempo

I would like to have seen the rhyming pattern match the first stanza, especially since the rhyme in this stanza seems forced to me. If she "moves" her body, then perhaps a different word besides "motion" should have been used. Then I see it needed to rhyme, which makes me think they should have substituted "moves" instead, but didn't.

And the second instance of rhyming here seems off too. I don't understand why her age is mentioned. Maybe there's an issue about underaged exotic dancers of which I'm unaware...?

I'm at a loss to understand why her eyes are so full of emotion while she's dancing. I wonder why she's feeling so much dancing before a room of strangers.

Candy obeys, command performance
Hypnotic rhythm, her body sways
Captured audience sits in awe
Entranced by music, she smiles that way
Tempo of perfection in her nubile body, Candy dances

I liked this stanza. Even though it's vague about how she feels, I get more of a connection with her here. "Smiles that way," makes me think she's smiling a mysterious Mona Lisa type smile and makes me wonder what she's smiling about. This is more effective to me than her eyes filled with emotion.

I like how the fifth line here varies just enough from the repeated fifth line in stanzas one and two. Brings completion.

Oh, I'm noticing now how often the word "body" is used. Maybe it's just me (and it probably is!) but I would have looked for a different word.

 

[alice]

like the way you dance

Ladies--

Like how you do your thang.

Good read.

alice

 

[KillerMuffin]

I like the fresh interpretation of Live. Instead of to live, it's a live performance. Good one! It had a very good rhythm, it was a real pleasure to read. There were some obvious differences in each stanza, the second one had an attempt to bring more human weakness with "age" in it. Obeys was an interesting word choice as well, but there was no follow through with it.

My beef is mostly with the superficiality of it. Candy dances. She does it in front of people. She has a nubile body. My entire reaction at the end was: So? What makes Candy so special? Everything about her from the occupation to the name is generic.

 

[Dillinger]

Oh yes... do me baby! Candy is a delicious delight.

"Tempo of perfection" I love that image! I mentioned in commenting on one of the other poems that it thrills me to see the melding of words in ways that would have never occured to me. It feeds my love for the language.

I love the repetition of dancing... nubile... perfect/perfection... this poem flows, has continuity as if all three of you were of the same mind.

 

[Jazzy2]

Like what you're doin' gurl

Hey, debbie

Nice. Nice the way you swingin' your thang. LOL Glad to see you're sugar and spice.

Shout out to you and your crew.


jazzy2

p.s. See, SK I can be nice.

 

[Debbie]

I like the fresh interpretation of Live. Instead of to live, it's a live performance. Good one! It had a very good rhythm, it was a real pleasure to read. There were some obvious differences in each stanza, the second one had an attempt to bring more human weakness with "age" in it. Obeys was an interesting word choice as well, but there was no follow through with it.

My beef is mostly with the superficiality of it. Candy dances. She does it in front of people. She has a nubile body. My entire reaction at the end was: So? What makes Candy so special? Everything about her from the occupation to the name is generic.

KillerMuffin, praise from you is worth a thousand smiles. Thank you.

LOL Now is the time for me to say that when I wrote the first stanza,

"Candy waits, center stage; cloaked in dim shadow
Bright lights and lambada music startle the girl
"Dance girl, now!" A deep male voice demands
Twin, creamy taut breasts jiggle as tassels twirl
Candy dances, her nubile body in perfect tempo"


I had in my mind that Candy, a young woman, was on center stage, waiting. Not knowing why she was here. She had been summoned by her Master. Without any communication at all it was hard to say to my team members, this is what I intended.
The interpretation by SK and lovetoread pleased me. The way it worked out was great. Yes, it does flow well.
To lovetoread and SavageKitten (Please PM me! I have PM'ed you but haven't heard back from you ) we did make a fantastic team. Yah ProseActs.

As to Candy's name? Dillinger got it! quote, "Candy is a delicious delight. " I agree, a generic, typical name in the industry. But Candy is her Master's sweet thing.

KM brings a good point, what makes Candy so special? We will see what our last stanza can do!


Quote by Dillinger, "Oh yes... do me baby! Candy is a delicious delight.

"Tempo of perfection" I love that image! I mentioned in commenting on one of the other poems that it thrills me to see the melding of words in ways that would have never occured to me. It feeds my love for the language.

I love the repetition of dancing... nubile... perfect/perfection... this poem flows, has continuity as if all three of you were of the same mind."

Thank you Dillinger. Candy is a treat! And the poem does flow well.


Hey Jazzy2, thanks for noticing! Shout back to you. What the heck does your slang mean? Seriously I have very little idea but I feel that it is good?

 

[Jazzy2]

LOL

debbie--

Translation: Liked your poem. Shout out: Kudos, support.

LOL I'll have to getcha a sista card and then school you on the slang.

Jazzy2

 

[Debbie]

Thank you for the translation Jazzy2. ProseActs welcomes your support and says thanks. We did our best and showed ourselves well.
The sista card and schooling in the slang would be much appreciated.