Group poem "Live" by Prose and Cons

[Prose and Cons]

Live (The Remix)
by Prose and Cons

Living in amber cachets of thought.
Content, conjoined, consciousness combined,
fused so deeply inside your warmth,
you squeeze I shudder extensions of each other,
cruise control is how we’ve lived.

In love with passion's expression,
a sweet rhapsody transcends our joining,
cascading covering, collecting a waterfall of emotions
rapture coated lusciously,
pleasure fulfilling fantasy,
within a whimsical cream filling.

Cry voiceless into wind
at lost moments of rapture
shadows blanket flesh; adoration melts at last celestial,
pounding hearts touching eternity
conspicuously, cold, captured jagged breathing
a crimson wind through mortal veins.

Divinely grasping, we die.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Live
by Prose and Cons ©

We live
in amber cachets of thought
content, conjoined, consciousness, combined
fused so deeply inside your warmth
you squeeze, I shudder
extensions of each other
cruise control is how we live

we love
passion's expression, a sweet rhapsody transcends
cascading waterfall of emotions bubbling in tune
rapture, pleasure, moisture, exposure
all within a whimsical cream filling
coated lusciously, fulfilling fantasy
divinely grasping, we live

we cry
voiceless into the wind
moments of rapture witnessed
shadows blanket pounding hearts, touching eternity
jagged breath, obsession’s rewards
flesh and adoration meld, at last celestial
the crimson wine of the Gods flow through mortal veins, we live



"Live" is a group effort in order of verse, written by:

1) S.A. Storm
2) Enchanted
3) mskittykatt

We would very much appreciate your time and attenion in offering your comments, feedback, and of course praise...

appropriate expressions of your undying support and love include but are not limited to,
sending flowers, burning incence, lighting candles, the writing of our own book of praise and hymn... no animal sacrfices please, i'm a vegetarian.

<wink wink nudge nudge wink wink>

~Prose and Cons

 

[Savage Kitten]

Oh my...

This was my absolutely favorite. You all did such a great job! The images and sensations were incredible. I loved the word choices also; "amber cachets", "rhapsody transcends", "rapture witnessed", "jagged breath". I truely felt this poem. It flowed through my veins like "the crimson wine of the Gods"

Kudos Prose and Cons, very awesome!

Sk~

 

[Guest]

disect and reassemble

first the disection...
personally I would have liked the last comma removed from the line... content, conjoined, consciousness, combined... so that it carried the previous line about though into the next line

the flowing from reality to sensation, to almost ethereal I like quite a lot... each stands as a small poem in its own, but tend to lead me on a journey from reading the entire piece, without being left wanting for more

well done... keep up the good work

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Still more

I enjoyed the first stanza, I have to agree with unregistered. I'm sure the last comma was a typo.
"Amber Cachets of thought?" Where does he come up with these lines? Each stanza elevates the sentiment until at last we are way over the top with "crimson wine of the Gods flow through mortal veins," I have to sit down my head is spinning. Will write more later.

U.P.

 

[REDWAVE]

Doin' that UP thing

All right, I think it's finally time for me to do my UP routine, and make like I'm him. I can understand why this poem is doing the best with the voters. The language is lush and rich throughout, starting with S.A. Storm's marvelous first stanza. The three poets fit together well into a harmonious whole, with the other two seamlessly following Storm's lead.

The first stanza, being the best, bears the closest examination. "Amber cachets of thought" is an exquisite phrase, and very melodious and expressive, but ultimately empty of content. The reader is invited to read into it whatever (s)he will. Storm also uses the techniques of alliteration, especially in the third line, and a smooth, lulling rhythm to weave his spell.

The other two stanzas follow Storm's lead, with lush language with little content, culminating in the "crimsom wine" line, by which time the two lovers have become both human and divine. It's just too much. This poem is like a piece of candy: it leaves a very sweet taste in the mouth, but its devoid of nutrition.

 

[daughter]

I'm feelin' you RED

Can count on you to point out the sugar content.

I'll follow up with some details of my own. This started out with an attractive abstraction, but I was hoping to see it illustrated with some substantive imagery. It didn't happen.

Despite the sucrose, I enjoyed the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Honey Dipped]

fused so deeply inside your warmth
you squeeze, I shudder
extensions of each other
cruise control is how we live

The first stanza gives me a shiver of delight!

all within a whimsical cream filling
coated lusciously, fulfilling fantasy

But the poem does, eventually, take a turn down sugar lane and doesn't stop until gets to the sweet shop.

Despite the cavity I acquired, I rather enjoyed the sugar rush.

 

[TheDR4KE]

My favourite poem of the lot...

I don't get overwhelmed by the sugar as the others are saying, but then I see some darkness in this poem. Lines like "cruise control is how we live" and "divinely grasping" for example are not exactly good, if you know what I mean. Grasping is not holding. I also like the 'we cry' start to the third stanza as a very powerful turn-around, even if the cries are from witnessing rapture.

Mostly I love the flow, togetherness and sounds of this poem.

Drake

 

[Guest]

.

 

[daughter]

Sugar defined

Enchanted--

The ribbing was not intended to mean. By 'sugar' I meant I felt the sentimentality was over the top. Many of the terms were abstract and cliche. The darkness was shrouded by these other descriptives. By the time I got to 'grasping' it has little impact left.

Please know that questioning choices and elements in a work does not mean the work doesn't have merit. I appreciate your style and sensitivity, Enchanted.

This was a fun exercise. We were'nt going for perfection. I don't think. I think the idea was to see what we could come up with and to learn.

Btw, your team is the highest ranked, and one of only two on the toplist. Who cares what daughter thinks?

Be well.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Debbie]

I liked this poem a lot. I felt it had so much to offer. The simplicity of the poems words but the depth of what it said to me. We love, we grasp at life, sometimes we cruise, so much said in such a short poem.

"We cry, voiceless at the wind."

I have cried and cried till there are no sounds left, silently sobbing. Crying till voiceless. I understand.

Very well done.

One thing? I wondered if S.A. Storm purposely used a lot of words that started in c for a reason, or did the poem just flow this way for him?


"We live
in amber cachets of thought
content, conjoined, consciousness, combined
fused so deeply inside your warmth
you squeeze, I shudder
extensions of each other
cruise control is how we live"

 

[Maid of Marvels]

Images, images...

SA, the amber cachet sent me a few ways. I pictured an enclosed space, a piece of amber with something captured inside, the Amber Room, fragrant scents.

The squeeze and shudder? Darlin' I was there!

Enchanted, I am a romantic at heart. Rhapsodies transport me. Divinely grasping? I am greedy where my lover is concerned. I want it all (and yesterday).

mskittykat, that becoming "one" with everything that surrounds you is something I know well.

Okay, so chalk it up to too many psychedellic drugs in my youth.. but this made me feel good. Thank you.

 

[tigerjen]

Without being long-winded, thought your poem
was deeply sensual.......I felt as if I was floating
down a brook on my back with not a care in the
world......

here is my fave verse:

"we love
passion's expression, a sweet rhapsody transcends
cascading waterfall of emotions bubbling in tune
rapture, pleasure, moisture, exposure
all within a whimsical cream filling
coated lusciously, fulfilling fantasy
divinely grasping, we live "

I *love* the "whimsical cream filling" which refers to
"rapture, pleasure, moisture, exposure".......my kind
of words!

Good effort.......

 

[perks]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

poetry, pure...simple.....juicy

first stanza......
.I was feeling you until....untilll....until.....
that last line...you can put amber cachets of thought and cruise control in the same poem?.....ugh....WHYYYYY WHYYYYYYYY<sobbing> The delicacy of your poetry, the imagery it invokes, makes the sore thumb stick out even harder. I want to cry when I read that line. Nope, I don't want to, I am...I'm crying and cringing.

second stanza.
I missed the alliteration in your structure.those four words....they should have begun with the same sound. Not necessarily the same consonant as the first stanza, but they should have at least matched themselves. It was glaringly obvious that they did not. Again, because the imagery is strong. That line "all within a whimsical cream filling", amazing. The physiology of life in poetic image. Bravo!

third stanza
why didn't you use the same structure? I think you were continuing the imagery, you needed to continue the structure as well. "Touching eternity", "at last celestial".......two different lines...working in benefit to your continuity. I enjoyed them. I wish you had removed the crimson from the last line. It sounds, not only redundant to me, but the line flows from the tongue better without it.

overall, yessiree.....I'm liking this one. Nice job poets.

 

[lovetoread]

A really good poem,but the images to me are very sweet and sugary. I didnt get the darker aspects of this poem until I read the comments about it.

Great job.

 

[Camille]

Running out of wind

I love this one too! I'm with the Perky on being enveloped in the feel and words. The line “cruise control” was a slap out of my euphoria. It seems clumsy which is surprising for SA Storm, in my reading of his poetry his words never strike me as out of place. But this once brought my dreams to a halt.

The second and third stanzas are okay not bad but they're only sails buffeted by the winds coming off the first stanza. I blame SA Storm he put the poem on cruise control and let go of the wheel. He should have given them a better send off. We coast along fine the rest of the way but were just coasting.


Cam (doing her UP impersonation)

 

[Whispersecret]

Live
by Prose and Cons ©

We live
in amber cachets of thought
content, conjoined, consciousness, combined
fused so deeply inside your warmth
you squeeze, I shudder
extensions of each other
cruise control is how we live

I liked this poem very much. There was a richness here that appealed to me, especially in the choice of words.

Here in the third line of the first stanza I liked the alliteration, but had just a bit of trouble. The first two words are adjectives, then we have a noun, followed by another modifier, which makes me wonder if it was supposed to be consciousness combined, which makes sense to me, rather than "consciousness, combined" where "combined" is just another in the list. Or perhaps it was supposed to be conjoined consciousness...but then conjoined and combined is sort of redundant. Hmmm.

I liked the last line, even if I don't understand how it relates to the rest of the stanza.

we love
passion's expression, a sweet rhapsody transcends
cascading waterfall of emotions bubbling in tune
rapture, pleasure, moisture, exposure
all within a whimsical cream filling
coated lusciously, fulfilling fantasy
divinely grasping, we live

Here I found the repeated "ure" of the words unusual in a good way, not quite rhyming, definitely not alliterative, but related in an echo of the pattern established in the first stanza. I loved the line "whimsical cream filling." Gorgeous idea. Delicious even. However, "cascading waterfall of emotion" verged on trite for me.

we cry
voiceless into the wind
moments of rapture witnessed
shadows blanket pounding hearts, touching eternity
jagged breath, obsession’s rewards
flesh and adoration meld, at last celestial
the crimson wine of the Gods flow through mortal veins, we live

I have a feeling the author of the third stanza forgot some commas in the fourth line as in "shadows, blanket, pounding hearts, touching eternity" so that it (sort of) followed the pattern, if not faithfully. "Touching eternity" is a little over the top for me. But I love "flesh and adoration meld, at last celestial." Beautiful. Oh, and the last line is just scrumptious.



"Live" is a group effort in order of verse, written by:

1) S.A. Storm
2) Enchanted
3) mskittykatt

We would very much appreciate your time and attenion in offering your comments, feedback, and of course praise...

appropriate expressions of your undying support and love include but are not limited to,
sending flowers, burning incence, lighting candles, the writing of our own book of praise and hymn... no animal sacrfices please, i'm a vegetarian.

<wink wink nudge nudge wink wink>

~Prose and Cons [/B][/QUOTE]

 

[Whispersecret]

Oops, double post.

 

[mskittykatt]

thanks

Hello and Well Met Everyone!
First I would like to express my enjoyment, working with SA Storm and Enchanted. This has been a fun learning experience, about working together, ourselves and each other, as well as (hopefully in my case) writing styles, expression, form and delivery.
It would be very hard for me, as well as an excessively long post to respond to each feedback, though I want to thank everyone for their thoughts, feelings and perceptions. Thank you for both your praise and criticism.
I do need to ask some questions of some of you about your comments, please try to be patient with me.
Redwave; I did see Daughters post down the line explaining her definition of “sugar” I would like to have some more details from your point of view… what content are you searching for?? I feel I might have chosen rather strong words to finish this poem, I did not intend the people to be “both human and divine” it was their act of love that was divine, for whatever short the time they have reached what they grasped for, obsessed over.
Daughter; thank you for clarifying what you meant with the word “sugar” I was a bit confused about what that was supposed to mean!
Perky_baby; in short the reason I didn’t continue the same structure is that I don’t understand it. I did try to keep the same feelings and images and expand on them, keeping my lines shorter then I prefer… I guess it is just a stumbling first attempt, that’s okay there will be more. I would be interested in seeing how you would have rewritten the last verse, what is structure, please. As for the crimson wine, it is a very important distinction to me. Had I been talking about two young lovers in their innocence and devotion facing the world together, the wine would have been white, were I to use a similar ending.
Whispersecret; had I known that a few commas would have made a difference in how it flowed with the rest I would have used them. This is a way of breaking up words that is very foreign to me. I write stories more comfortably then poetry. There is a vast difference between the two, I’m finding, in what punctuation is appropriate and important. Thanks for the example you used to show me where they would go, and why.
Once again that you all for your feedback.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Live
by Prose and Cons ©

We live
in amber cachets of thought
content, conjoined, consciousness, combined
fused so deeply inside your warmth
you squeeze, I shudder
extensions of each other
cruise control is how we live

I think the alliteration works, though the third line made more sense to me as "content conjoined, consciousness combined." I really like the doubled meaning of the fourth through sixth lines, I think it really captures the irony of lovemaking and the breed of acceptance which is not exactly a joyful merger. The last line is, for me, the point of the poem.

we love
passion's expression, a sweet rhapsody transcends
cascading waterfall of emotions bubbling in tune
rapture, pleasure, moisture, exposure
all within a whimsical cream filling
coated lusciously, fulfilling fantasy
divinely grasping, we live

For me, this is where it starts to unravel. The cliche of the cascading waterfall should go somewhere interesting when coupled with the "bubbling" emotion, but it just didn't happen for me. The move to slant rhyme instead of alliteration is an interesting twist, and works well with the first stanza. The "whimsical cream filling" just didn't gel as a double image in the same way that the second half of the first stanza. "Divinely grasping," though, is an incredibly rich phrase, and aching with the same kind of ambivalent feelings as the first part.

we cry
voiceless into the wind
moments of rapture witnessed
shadows blanket pounding hearts, touching eternity
jagged breath, obsession’s rewards
flesh and adoration meld, at last celestial
the crimson wine of the Gods flow through mortal veins, we live

This part steps over the edge: too overt, too laden with fantasy-novel imagery. But, it still brings some interesting rewards. "obsession's rewards" and the idea of the quest for divine connection ties in well with the continuing effort, and the poem's ongoing attempt to unravel the difficult relationship between lovers living their lives and looking for transcendent hope.

Overall, uneven, but with interesting and complex insights to share. I think with a rewrite, and the chance to communicate, this would be a really remarkable poem.

Nice work, everybody. And, I see you're racking up the votes, so a double "well done" to you all.

RS

 

[alice]

Enchanted with your verse

Enchanted and crew--

Nice job. Sentimental, romantic and I like my occasional dose of syrup.

alice

 

[KillerMuffin]

I really liked how the first stanza felt like a titled limerick. The rhyme and shortness in the 5th and 6th lines drew it nicely together. I wish it had been carried through the rest of it. My biggest complaint here is the lack of structure promised by the first lines of each stanza.

It think that there is far more to writing poetry than stringing pretty words together. There is no real rhythm here for me to sink into so it makes it difficult to read. If I don't have complete thoughts, then I want a structured way to get into the poem.

I did like the original phrasing, though the last line was a little over the top. It didn't mean much to me with the rest of the poem and the tacked on "we live" seemed more of a patched afterthought to give the line meaning with the rest together. Perhaps it's that I'm not terribly spiritual or romantic.

 

[Dillinger]

We live
We love
We cry

What a wonderful flow... a unity of life.

I have to say again, as I've said in some of my comments on the other poems, that the way others put together phrases in ways that would never occur to me is a singular delight...

"amber cachets of thought"
"cascading waterfall of emotions"
"shadows blanket pounding hearts"

The imagery delights!

I truly felt alive reading this poem. Thank you.

 

[Jazzy2]

I gotcha your amber

SA, you can recite poetry to me anytime. And you can stop by and thank me personally for keeping you on the toplist.

Ladies, wish I were on this team. Kudos.

Jazzy2

 

[SA Storm]

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