Group poem: Live by 'Consenting Couplets'

[Consenting Couplets]

We (TheDR4KE, REDWAVE and Wicked Eve) would love your comments on the following poem that we group-wrote:

LIVE
by Consenting Couplets ©

Here's the final edited version:

boy. girl. Sit at My Feet.
Assume your roles
and cloak yourselves
with your mantles of self defeat.
To be reborn,
you live to serve
Honor Me. Let Me hear you speak.

Unholy father, your decrepit claws
are sunk into our flesh
Your toothless jaws mouth our vitals
joylessly and lifelessly
It is your defeat, not ours
which is being born
in the belly of eternity

Lost wanderers, heed my words:
Birth plummets you into death.
Grasp the seconds as you fall
and be aware of your need
to wrench your soul from his clutches,
and utterly devour defeat,
till you relinquish your last breath

Into the face of the all
indifferent, the wheel turning
green growing on the vines
You are but a tiny part
of the vast cycle of nature
birth plummets into death, yes, but
Death brings on new life


This is the original version:


boy. girl. Sit at My Feet.
Assume your roles
and cloak yourselves
with your mantles of self defeat.
To be reborn,
you live to serve.
Honor Me. Let Me hear you speak.

Unholy father, your decrepit claws
Are sunk into our flesh
Your toothless gums mouth our vitals
Joylessly and lifelessly
It is your defeat, not ours
Which is being born
In the belly of eternity

Lost wanderers, my words, heed.
Birth plummets you towards death.
Grasp the seconds as you fall,
and be aware of your need
to wrench your soul from his clutches,
and utterly devour defeat,
till no longer you live.

Please also go to the actual entry at
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=34701
and vote. (Remember: 5=that was pretty good considering ;-)

The process of how the poem had to be written is described in
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=61305

Enjoy, and please vote

TheDR4KE

 

[mskittykatt]

Hello and Well Met Consenting Couplets!
oh Gods I’m so nervous. there I’ll just say It! I guess I will be the first to jump In... although Admit Waited to see If anyone else would start first ((blush)) I want to keep my attentions focused though, so I don't end up trying to give response to all the groups In too short a time.

In the first verse my problem was punctuation, to many periods made It very choppy. Words themselves can elicit a feeling of domination without over punctuation, as they did here already.
I love the way “cloak yourselves with mantles of self defeat” stripped ‘them’ naked and vulnerable without saying as much.

In the second verse, those four extra words could have been very useful, I would like to have seen “Joylessly and lifelessly” or their sentiment on the line above, and another phrase to connect the action above to the outcome below.
The words here paint the beginning of the struggle for ‘their’ souls well, despite their initial vulnerability .

In the third verse it seems another entity is introduced and my only problem is that it does little to ‘finish’ what was started, only emphasizing the battle more. I would love to see ‘them’ sitting on a fence in a delicate balance between dark and light.
I really like how the words *do* emphasize the battle, clearly and strong… I’m left wondering where I stand.

Overall the poem highlights the underlying question of life, bringing light to things we don't like to think of when we think Live... as in how we *should* *could* *want to* or *dont* live.

 

[Savage Kitten]

This was my second most favorite poem! You guys took the dark road, the one less traveled. I wanna borrow your map!!


The 1st stanza lets us see through ~His~ eyes. I feel his self worth. Assume your roles ...... with your mantles of self defeat.

The 2nd stanza give us ~their~ vision. How they look upon him, not as he sees himself but how he really is. Old and beyond his time, I can almost taste his stench. Unholy father, your decrepit claws ..... Your toothless gums mouth our vitals

The 3rd Stanza seems to be the perception of a voyuer. An onlooker who, armed with his cardboard sign, forecasts doom and destruction without really intervening. Lost wanderers, my words, heed.

This poem has the makings of an epic. That's a compliment, but not necessarily good thing when one needs closure.

Great job CC!

Sk~

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Darker is better?

Most innovative approach by far.
I am not sure what to make of it though. Who is being served? What do the children represent, perhaps need and want? The second stanza turns darker than the first. What are we witness to a birth of some kind? The children clearly are now speaking and what do they say? I shall ponder the middle stanza for quite awhile The thirds stanza tries hard to bring it all together the children are being told to enjoy the precious moments of life, joy and torment.
This could be the intro for "Lord of the Rings"
I will write more later.

U.P.

 

[Consenting Couplets]

3rd stanza

"The thirds stanza tries hard to bring it all together the children are being told to enjoy the precious moments of life, joy and torment."

U.P. they are not being told to enjoy torment. Devour defeat. Don't accept it. Eat it up and spit it out! To me the children are mankind--male and female. Unholy father--Satan, death? The third voice is one of hope for those who are lost.


"In the third verse it seems another entity is introduced and my only problem is that it does little to ‘finish’ what was started, only emphasizing the battle more. I would love to see ‘them’ sitting on a fence in a delicate balance between dark and light."

mskittykatt, the 3rd stanza was trying to give hope, not emphasize the battle more. Think of the 3rd voice as an angel, or God, or some "light" supreme being, telling mankind that life is precious, and to turn away from darkness, and that you can overcome most any defeat in life, as long as you have a breath in you. Of course, that's a battle in itself.


"but not necessarily good thing when one needs closure."

Savage Kitten, for me personally, I didn't think there could be closure with this poem. We heard the dark being speak, then mankind, and then some being of light and hope. And from there, it continues eternally.

Now, I'm going to finish my fluffy kitten poem that is full of clichés and rhymes. Though, after this dark poem, my kitten poem will most likely end with a case of rabies.

W E

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Ok

I hear you Wicked, but you took my thought out of context. I wrote: "the children are being told to enjoy the precious moments of life, joy and torment."
Oh I have more to say just you wait. I didn't get the last stanza "being hope and light." To me it felt like the same voice as the first stanza. I gather I was seduced by the dark side and it clouded my mind.
On your new poem, just make sure you give that kitten shots.


U.P.

 

[Consenting Couplets]

more comments...

Well, the poem certainly turned a far way from what I had intended when I wrote the first stanza...


1 boy. girl. Sit at My Feet.
2 Assume your roles
3 and cloak yourselves
4 with your mantles of self defeat.
5 To be reborn,
6 you live to serve.
7 Honor Me. Let Me hear you speak.


To prepare for the event, I had a big read through Red and Wicked's works to try and craft something that they would respond to. I was thinking of a sexual poem, given the site, which made me not consider that Red would react to the authority of the poem in a fight-back type of response. In retrospect it's pretty obvious -- IF he didn't pick up and go with my idea.

The idea? I was hoping for a D/s scene poem. The boy is Red, the girl is Wicked. I had hoped that the lower case boy/girl; the upper case of My Feet, My, Me etc; the mention of serving; basically the whole poem would indicate this. An earlier draft had the word 'slave' in it too, but I figured that was too strong LOL. They get to 'speak' in the next two verses, first the boy then the girl based on our order of writers - that was intended to make the stanzas a little more self contained and thus easier to write for both Red and Wicked. Think of them as two end stanzas in a way...

D/s is so strongly known as a lifestyle that I also thought that would be a clear focus of the poem from lines 5 & 6. It is about a decision on how to 'Live' through submission, eventually to be reborn into self-victory and maybe a dominating role in life.

Another mistake I believe I made was to write in rhyme. I had hoped that that would be continued, even if the style was going to be otherwise very different (which is okay, given that it was intended as a poem in three 'voices'), but of course there is little rhyme, although plenty of reason, in red and wicked's poems.

All in all a fun exercise though. I would probably prefer a closing role usually, taking the different threads and weaving them into a grand finale. I've learnt a lot though, both in terms of preparation as well as by reading the different versions, how the different stanzas of the different poems relate, and that I do quite enjoy working with others, but would like there to be more planning.

Drake

 

[daughter]

Did you correspond

prior to writing the first stanza?

In a few of the works I have wondered if groups developed a game plan. Your idea is well thought out and given the background, your opening is creative and demonstrates concerted effort.

Continuity and cohesiveness could have been achieved with a little pre-game huddles. I wonder if other teams were unable to or chose not to determine an approach.

I hope you and others will respond to this.

Peace,

daughter

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: Did you correspond

chose not to

We didn't discuss the approach, strategy, etc at all. The way I read the rules I thought we weren't supposed to. I think it would make for a much stronger poem if we did

Next time.

Drake

 

[Debbie]

This was a very intriguing poem. I have read it again and again and again.
I liked it. Because it was complex and very different.
Reading the first stanza I thought. Hmmm? What is he trying to say?
"To be reborn, you live to serve."

It said to me, the boy and girl are submissive. A new beginning. Settle yourselves at my feet, ready to serve.

REDWAVE "threw" me in the second stanza, seeming to plummet towards the depth and despair, gummed by the unholy father. But no. With a very clever turnaround I find that

"It is your defeat, not ours
Which is being born
In the belly of eternity"

Brought me back to the light. The dark is great but light shies through.

Wicked Eve's third stanza was very good. It was already a complex poem.
Her stanza says to me,

"Lost wanderers, my words, heed.
(Listen to me lost ones)

Birth plummets you towards death.
(From your very birth you are destined to die)

Grasp the seconds as you fall,
(Don't waste a second)

and be aware of your need
to wrench your soul from his clutches,
and utterly devour defeat,
till no longer you live. "

(Fight till you die. Battle against the bad stuff. Be strong.)

It was insightful.

 

[daughter]

clouded by past experience

Drake--

I didn't not take that from his instructions. I saw nothing that said you couldn't discuss how you would approach the task before actual writing began.

Of course, I may have read more into this because of past experience. UP didn't refute me though when I suggested folks give their strategy some thought.

At any rate, folks were creative and innovative in how they approached the poem.

Good luck at the polls.

Peace,

daughter

 

[WickedEve]

chose not to

We didn't discuss the approach, strategy, etc at all. The way I read the rules I thought we weren't supposed to. I think it would make for a much stronger poem if we did

I thought we weren't supposed to either. I was in the dark until Drake just now turned on the lights! After reading "unholy father" I had some kind of religious freak out, and felt it necessary to swoop in as some kind of angel and save mankind! lol I can't believe I missed the whole D/s thing!

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: clouded by past experience

UP didn't refute me though when I suggested folks give their strategy some thought.

Yeah, I saw that suggestion of yours and was going to ask UP about it explicitly, but never got around to it.

I don't really care about the voting, I just enjoy writing. What I really want right now -- is the next event to be explained to us

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

I can't believe I missed the whole D/s thing!

I can't believe you missed it either. LOL

Drake

 

[WickedEve]

Create a poem as a group of 3 individuals without conversing about the poem,

 

[WickedEve]

I can't believe you missed it either. LOL

It's all REDWAVE and his Unholy Father's fault! And my strict religious upbringing! lol I was thinking SATAN!

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Are we having fun yet?

Well guys the instructions were vague where I wanted them to be. I did not want to give a list of taboo words, or tell you what to write about. The fun is in creating and anticipation. I know that had you all talked we would have ended up with stronger poems. This little bit of fancy was about creating off the cuff, interpreting another writers work and adding your art to theirs. It would seem that many of us as writers have to find better ways to convey our intent. The next time we do this we can straightjacket the entire process. I find it interesting that Drake's team did not pick up his intent. That say's a bit about the Drake's stanza and his team's perceptions yet none of it is bad. Now is the time to talk to your team members and find out how effective a poet you are, and relax I encourage you to talk a lot. This exercise has one more leg to go…

U.P.

 

[TheDR4KE]

In the first verse my problem was punctuation, to many periods made It very choppy. Words themselves can elicit a feeling of domination without over punctuation, as they did here already.

Point well taken...

It's interesting how the punctuation looks quite different when you see it in fountain pen on a pure white sheet of paper, compared to the type filled screen.

Drake

 

[Maid of Marvels]

D/s? Devil/satan? *blinking innocently*

Too much time in church? I "heard" evil personified, the will and strength to overcome and finally the knowledge that this struggle is a timeless one, never ending. One must never let down their vigilance.

REDWAVE you made Drake's "D" appear positively frightening and loathesome. Loved it. (and I think I saw this movie) Wicked Eve, the woman produces the voice of reason in the third verse?

Pass the wafers? I heard they go good with the wine.

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: D/s? Devil/satan? *blinking innocently*

LOL

I guess maybe I should have spelt that out, just in case. Not sure if you were being sarcastic there or not (if you were, you weren't following the rules [1] ;-)

D/s = Dominant/submissive. This is often linked with BDSM (=bondage discipline sadism masochism) but the 4 are essentially sexual acts while the 2 are attitudes, albeit acted out as acts also at times but usually over much longer periods than the 4. D can be power hungry sadistic bastardry, or it can be caring, respectful teacher/parent like caring for the s, guiding them towards ... something. The s can be responsibility evading, weak, defeatist, low-self-esteem escapism, or it can be the ultimate in self-victory where you test your ability to let yourself submit to your immortal and unassailable soul by submitting to another whom you trust completely. When the D has found this self-victory and can lead the s there, that (in my opinion) is the ideal D/s relationship. But of course everybody gets something else out of their interactions with people

Drake

------------
[1] <waving right hand> right hand for sarcasm <waves left hand> left hand for irony <waves both hands> both hands for "Your hairs on fire!"

 

[tigerjen]

Without being long-winded, thought your poem was
original......very different from the others......I saw it as
"dark"......it reflects the life-cycle of birth, death, and
being reborn.......

however, this poem isn't making me go "yippee"......

 

[WickedEve]

tj, didn't the thought of birth plummenting you toward death, elicit not even one "yippee" out of you? lol

 

[tigerjen]

tj, didn't the thought of birth plummenting you
toward death, elicit not even one "yippee"
out of you? lol

I'd love to live for a long time first before I die

 

[Camille]

Ouch!

This one was odd.
Drake, I did get your meaning you even started out quite forcefully "boy"," girl." I assume you were talking to your partners in crime. I thought Redwave did a great job, it's just that his stanza altered the flow of the poem the second verse turns so dark Wicked was moved to offer redemption. As it turned out no souls were at risk, just a kinky party.

I still liked it but it doesn't connect to the word "Live" for me. But it was an interesting ride.

Cam

 

[WickedEve]

As it turned out no souls were at risk, just a kinky party.

Camille, you crazy girl, don't you know that kinky parties are where souls need saving the most!!! lol

But I do agree with your comments. The poem changed with the second stanza. Though, Redwave did kick butt with that stanza! He definitely has knack for Dark.