Grief

[Daddyslilpet]

How do you handle grief?

We've all lost someone important to us from time to time. Relationships that didn't work for whatever reason. I wonder if there is a difference in the way we handle it. Do subs react differently than Dom/mes?

thank you for honest answers ahead of time.

dixi

 

[Jonnyray]

Soldier on. I don;t know how else to say it. I guess I muddle through, hoping to find the door that has opened because the last has closed. I guess music helps too. It gives me solice. Its probbly not what you were looking for but it works for me (mostly).

 

[artful]

How do you handle grief?

We've all lost someone important to us from time to time. Relationships that didn't work for whatever reason. I wonder if there is a difference in the way we handle it. Do subs react differently than Dom/mes?

thank you for honest answers ahead of time.

dixi

Dixi,...you've done it again! Why do you ALWAYS come up with the hard questions? Are you taking lessons from Shadows and MsWorthy?

I think this one is gonna hurt my image, because I can only be truthful with my response. I hope all will understand,...I am NOT a callous person, unfeeling, or selfish.

That being said,..."I *AM*,...a ~Control Freak~!!!

I pride myself in being able to control my emotions. I try to be reasonable, logical, think things through, not be impulsive, be patient, and understanding.

Those traits tend to cause me to withdraw from others, as grief settles in. I like to work things out by myself. Time is my ally! I will buy it, beg for it, steal it, get it any way I can.

I don't want others to try to comfort me,...it WASTES my time. THINK, THINK, THINK,...then think some more.

What could I have done differently? What should I have done differently? Would it have made any difference? What can I learn from the loss? Was it best that the relationship ended? Etc., etc., etc.!

I question EVERYTHING,...including myself.

Then I slowly re-enter the REAL world. I start talking and opening myself up to others. I start caring about others. Their feelings,...not mine.

Then I start seeing OTHER possible relationships.

Nothing sexual,...just interacting,...reaching out for contact, making new friends, exploring,... taking with me new found knowledge of myself, who I am, what I want to happen in my life.

Sometimes I cry,(but not much),THAT part is dealt with immediately, and it's over quickly. I don't live in the past, I live for TODAY, and plan for the FUTURE.

Not just my opinion,...the post is ME!

 

[Cirrus]

I fall apart...total emotional meltdown. It's all I can think about, all I can do is cry and listen to any song that reminds me of him, read anything he's ever wrote, relive memories endlessly. I'm usually like that for about a week. Then I start dealing with it. I start to come to grips with the fact that the relationship is over, that it won't kill me, and that I'll find someone else. I guess I just have to get all the raw emotion out at first, then I can deal intellectually.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

First Johnny - that was exactly what I was looking for, what you do to get through. Excellent.

Now Art - Oh wow. You humble me. Times there I thought my Master was writing that. Do you feel that as a Dom (or Master, whichever you prefer to be called) it seems that no matter the situation, you question what you could've done differently? I wonder about things is all.

And to be put in a class with Shadowsdream and MsWorthy is a great honor to me. Actually the thought hit me after reading something else, honestly. And before anyone worries, my relationship and Master are well, at least as far as I know today.

Great responses. Keep them coming.

dixi

 

[Daddyslilpet]

cirrus, thank you. I know that exactly how I handle it. Even just an ended friendship sends me to tears. I figured it was just me tho.....

Oh and Art, forgot to add.....that tough guy image is still safe (I won't tell anyone your just a big softy...)

dixi

 

[Desdemona]

God, its hard. I'm still there in some ways. The initial, almost paralyzing wave is over. I cried and I talked with my girlfriends and I cried and I obsessed about it. I wondered what I could have done differently; if it was my fault. I wondered if I just wasn't good enough or submissive enough. I relived all the good times and those that weren't so good. I wallowed in it for a few days and then I decided that life goes on. It still hurts and I think of my loss every day. I miss him. I have periods of intense anger. But, I'm meeting new people and trying to move forward. I know I will be fine.

 

[SexySusan]

I guess I know what kind of loss you are dealing with dixi ... I feel so too ...

I guess it's a question of gettig used to the new situation. To remember the loss with a tear in the eye. To remember the good times and the fun with a smile on the face. To remember ...

Sooner or later we will accustom. New faces will enter our life. Everything is in constant flux. I wouldn't want it to be any other way. Static is dead. You have to take the good with the bad.

<< hugggggssss >>

Just hang in there dixi. You're doing great.

Susan

 

[RisiaSkye]

I'm a bad person to ask about this; I'm very good at denial and not much of a role model for emotional health.

I haven't ended a romantic/sexual/intimate relationship in some time, but the last one was about a year and a half or two years ago (my last gf). I don't mourn--I go straight to anger. Sometimes, I can get past that and forge a new relationship with the person I once loved. And sometimes, those turn out to be the most rewarding friendships (one of my best friends is a boyfriend I dated twice--the last time about ten years ago).

Sorry that you're hurting, dixi.

 

[WriterDom]

Divorce doubles the suicide rate for men while having no effect on the suicide rate for women. Men tend to bottle things up like Artful said. I don't really think bdsm has a lot to do with it. Being Dom doesn't make you any less human.

 

[artful]

Dixi

Do you feel that as a Dom (or Master, whichever you prefer to be called) it seems that no matter the situation, you question what you could've done differently? I wonder about things is all.

In most other things, I don't question my actions very much. Just kind of live and learn, but a relationship with my sub, is the MOST important thing in my worldly life.

I had one relationship last, "Till death do we part." She was a diabetic, and it lasted for over 20 years. Another lasted over 6 years.

The relationship Dream and I have entered into, I fully expect it to last till the day I die.(She is
14 years my junior)

P.S.~I have no preference to being called an honorific,(such as Master, Dom, Sir, etc.)please just call me Art.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

WD - I have heard that stat before. I agree being a Dom doesn't make a man any less human. Would ya please tell Master that?

Art - Thank you. I see what you mean. (and I didn't mean I'd call ya anything but Art...)

And to everyone else - Thank you for sharing. Its nice to see how others cope.

My pain will fade, I am a passionate person. I take relationships seriously, be they romantic or friendships. My methods of coping are to sit down and have a really good cry, followed by getting mad as all get out, then picking myself up, and moving forward.

My path now is a forward one.


dixi

 

[monster666]

Interesting statistic, WD. Speaking as one who had no choice in the divorce, I can attest that it was a difficult emotional time. I became despondant and withdrawn to the point that I lost my job and an awful lot of self respect. That was a long time ago, and hope to never have to deal with that again. My ex seemed to manage it a whole lot better than I did. But then again, she was the one who went off to go "find herself". As far as I know, she is still looking all these years later, while I am doing a whole lot better. Funny how things work out sometimes.

Divorce doubles the suicide rate for men while having no effect on the suicide rate for women. Men tend to bottle things up like Artful said. I don't really think bdsm has a lot to do with it. Being Dom doesn't make you any less human.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Wow Monster, thanks for sharing. I'm very happy that it worked out well for you. I know about divorce myself....not fun. Won't bore ya with the details, suffice it to say, in the long run I too was better off.


dixi

 

[catalina_francisco]

Interesting topic.....

 

[Anna Sue]

from artful [QUOTE That being said,..."I *AM*,...a ~Control Freak~!!!

I pride myself in being able to control my emotions. I try to be reasonable, logical, think things through, not be impulsive, be patient, and understanding.

[/QUOTE]


you must be my emotional counterpart as a woman. I really thought you describe me to every point.

 

[TigerClaw]

......

 

[FungiUg]

How do you handle grief?

I think no one handles grief "well", although some better than others. My most recent loss was my grandmother -- my last surviving "ascendant". I mulled her loss over for months, just thinking of her, making quiet time for myself, talking about her a little. In the end, I managed to put some words together in a poem to sum up the feelings I had at her graveside service. Sort of as a memorial.

You don't ever stop missing people. But the loss becomes less raw, and life does go on.

There's a Peter Gabriel song I love so much from the City of Angels soundtrack: I Grieve. It sums up my own feelings far better than I ever could -- in music. And that's what really touches my soul and allows me to feel in a pure sense.

 

[Wolf_77]

Dealing with grief. IMHO, it really depends on what the cause is. Loss of friend, sub, relationship, parental figure etc.

I've tried probrbaly everything, but the one thing I always goto is the music. Vertical Horizon, some Nickelback, Mr. Big (relationship loss).

It's best for me also not to try and outward show my emotions to others (although I have been told I wear my emotions on my shoulders), I don't like pity or sorrow from others. It is my life, my business, my problems.

Hope that helps a little.

 

[Kataklysm]

I've never lost a Dom. I have lost something very close to it though. I don't deal with it. I have no idea how to do that. I just keep it locked very deep inside me. Not healthy..I know but till I find a way to handle it, that's where it will stay.

 

[Netzach]

In relationships, I go through some girl-brain tears and chocolate phase, which is usually shortish.

Then I pick apart at myself.

Then I pick apart at the relationship.

Usually, I *do* learn some "how can I do this differently?" lesson, and implement it. That's been the part developed with a lot of time introspection and yes, agony.

Then I'm over it. And myself.

What interests me, is in how many people bypass the steps where something is learned. They go from 1 to pissed off to over it. They go from 1 and stay there, bitter and never over anything. They go from 1 to 2 to 3.5 and never *use* the lesson learned.

I see this as a kind of self-sabotage.

When death is concerned, it's a whole different metaphysical level. I tend to wade around in denial quite a lot, potentially to dangerous levels, detaching is all too easy for me.

I mostly deal with this by returning to big-picture questions as they regard me. Art helps a lot, even in very veiled layers of metaphor. After 9/11 I found my art changed profoundly, and rather than getting more somber or anything like that I moved to deal with questions like "what does it mean to be an American?" "What are the central issues in American self-perception?"

By becoming more panoramic and less me-focused I felt like I was dealing with something that was and remains very socially disruptive, tragic, and central to my own roots.

In a way it's a more macro level map of how I deal with personal grief.

 

[FungiUg]

I guess part of the grief process is a natural instinct to avoid repeating what led to the grief. Hence the "pick apart" phase (and yeah, I do that too!) Some of us do try to learn from our mistakes, but others seem happy to repeat them. Go figure.

On the other hand, that same process can also drive us away from forming deep relationships, since they have the inherent capability of leading to grief. So there's a balancing act there as well.

 

[NCShin]

One of the most difficult things for me to do is to end a relationship. I've had very bad experience with this. I've had women go absolutely nutso (tm) on me.

As for my emotional state. I don't cry. I can't. I've wanted to over a few. Just to get it out so to speak, but I can't. I forgot how I think. Somewhere from the time when I was a boy and heard "men don't cry" and when i did tern into a man, I lost the ability.

I have noticed that some women seem to think that if you don't cry you don't care. That couldn't be further from the truth. Wearing my emotions on my sleeve is just not part of who I am. Maybe as Artful said, it is part of being a control freak.

As for a healing process. I usually go out with some friends. Friends I know that no matter how muched they liked her while we were together, they'll always call her a bitch once she's gone. (then try to date her the day after)

This post most likely makes me look bad. But that's ok.