Greenwich Tales

[freddie_clegg]

In this story (first part here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=302235) I've tried to build a tale by telling the story from a series of viewpoints, one character for each part.

I'd welcome folks views on how well this works.....

Here's part 2:-

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=302888

More in the pipeline....

 

[freddie_clegg]

With part 3 up, perhaps you'll get a better idea of how this is meant to work.....

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=303870

Cheers, Freddie.

 

[Nasha]

Hi, Freddie,

You've got an interesting concept, here. The idea of the intersecting narratives of the different characters, who play different roles within this enterprise, building a larger story, is full of potential.

So far, though, I don't think that potential's being realized. The first installment largely read like a dry chapter from a history textbook, rather than a piece of compelling fiction. I think that's mostly down to that old problem of telling, rather than showing. I seldom feel I'm witnessing the action. The scene with Daphne in the restaurant is better, we get some nice details, and I did find myself feeling repulsed by her, and at that moment, you've pulled me into the story.

But in the second installment, when Branca is kidnapped, there's nothing there to let me relate to her experience. To make this believable, much less compelling, you have to make me feel her terror, her rage, whatever it is she experiences as being enslaved. And more--much more physical detail--will help. The feel of the cold blade of the scissors cutting through her stockings, the stab of the needle into the flesh of her leg--draw on the details that will emphasize whatever feeling you want the reader to identify with (as you did with the details of the stains and dribbles during Daphne's dining scene).

The other problem with executing your premise is that I didn't really feel like the narrators were different people, because their "voices" aren't that distinct. Especially your two male narrators--they have identical styles of relating their stories.

I hope that's helpful, rather than harsh.

-Nasha

 

[freddie_clegg]

Nasha, Thanks. That's really helpful input. I think I'd agree on the problem of making the voices of the different male narrators distinct and your points about the relatively sparse detail of Branca's kidnap are fair comment too. I hadn't thought the first part was that dry but I'll re-read it and think how it could be improved.

I hope you stick with the story and see how it pans out.

Thanks again for your comments - its that sort of detailed analysis that makes it possible to improve things.

Cheers.

Freddie

 

[LuckyNorth]

Good concept. Love your characters and your story



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Noel
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[freddie_clegg]

Good concept. Love your characters and your story



___________________________
Noel
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Noel, thanks. Glad you are enjoying it. There's another part pending and ,ore to come.

 

[freddie_clegg]

There's another part available now, giving Daphne's contribution to the story....


http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=305038

 

[freddie_clegg]

Part 5 is now up and approved giving the Trainer's perspective. Its taken a while to get it approved but its available now and the next two parts aren't far behind, hopefully.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=306016

 

[freddie_clegg]

Thanks to the editors. Part 6 is up and viewable... In which we get Daphne and Katya's take on the race itself.....


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=307131

 

[sexymathstudent]

In this story
More in the pipeline....

good job.

 

[sexymathstudent]

In this story
More in the pipeline....

i like the idea of different perspectives. but sometimes it is tricky.

 

[freddie_clegg]

i like the idea of different perspectives. but sometimes it is tricky.

Thanks for your comments - yes, I felt that while I was writing it - I think it works OK in The Runners' Tale" where you've got the italics to remind you that you are switching form one view point to another but it was certainly a problem with the earlier Tales, partly because I found it difficult to get a different voice for each of the male characters. I think it was a worthwhile experiment though.

 

[freddie_clegg]

Well, the final part (should be entitled "The Greenwich Mistress's Tale") is up http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=308455.

The last few chunks have been getting good scores (straight fives!!) but not many votes. I'd definitely welcome any views here on how well the different tales have worked together.

Cheers.

Freddie