Great Lines

[Rick DeVille]

Remember this?


1. I was against WWII

2. Yes, I think everyone was against it

3. Ah, but I wrote a letter!


(Not literal, can't remember it all)

 

[Rick DeVille]

To difficult?

Clue:They're both dead

 

[Guest]

 

[Scruffy]

Elvis and Tupac?


No, you said dead.

 

[Rick DeVille]

Im leaving.

Peter Cook and Dudley More, the classic 'Frog and Peach' sketch.

 

[Spinaroonie]

I always liked y=x/2+5

 

[freakygirl]

*enters thru the exit door*

I'm so lost..

 

[Guest]

 

[Rick DeVille]

The Frog & Peach

Dudley Moore: We'd like to ask Sir Arthur actually about his rather unique restaurant, the Frog and Peach.

Peter Cook: Good evening.

Dudley Moore: Good evening. If you would tell us something about it, Sir. Arthur.

Peter Cook: Yes, well, ah, the idea for the Frog and Peach came to me in the bath. A great number of things come to me in the bath, mainly sort of mosquitoes and adders, but in this case a rather stupendous idea. I suddenly thought, as I was scrubbing my back with a loofah, I thought, "Where can a young couple, who are having an evening out, not too much money, and they want to have a decent meal, you know, a decent frog and a nice bit of peach, where can they go and get it?" And answer came there none. And so I had this idea of starting a restaurant specializing in these frogs legs and, er, peaches, and on this premise I built this restaurant.

Dudley Moore: These premises, in fact.

Peter Cook: In these precise premises. Good evening.

 

[Rick DeVille]

Now pay attention while I'm educating you

Dudley Moore: And how has business been?

Peter Cook: Well, ah, business hasn't been, in the strict sense of the world. Rather, let me answer that question in two parts. There hasn't been any business and nobody's been. It's been a quiet time for the last 15-18 years, really, in the business.

Dudley Moore: But don't you feel in a way you're at some disadvantage being stuck out in the middle of Dartmoor here?

Peter Cook: I think the word "disadvantage" is awfully well chosen there, yes. This is what we're at. We're at a disadvantage. You see, when I had the idea, I weighed up the pros and cons and I came to the conclusion, rightly or wrongly, or possibly both -

Dudley Moore: Or neither.

Peter Cook: Or neither, or nye-the, as they say in some part of the country.

Dudley Moore: Or cointreau.

Peter Cook: Indeed. I thought that the pros outweighed the cons by two and a half ounces, and I thought the people in Britain were crying out for a restaurant where there wasn't any parking problem. In fact, I heard somebody in the street crying out for a restaurant without a parking problem. Norwegian sailor, I believe, on leave. He was saying, "Oh, for a restaurant without a parking problem!" And this sort of inspired me to start this one. There's no parking problem here, situated as we are in the middle of a bog in the heart of Dartmoor. No difficulty parking. Some difficultly extricating your car, but otherwise well-situated. Good evenin

 

[Rick DeVille]

Dudley Moore: Good evening. Don't you feel, again, you're at a disadvantage because of your menu? I mean -

Peter Cook: The menu! Oh dear! Yes, that is - Oh! This has been a terrible hindrance to us building up a business. The menu is the most - have you seen it?

Dudley Moore: Yes, I have.

Peter Cook: It's the most appalling thing. There's so little to choose from. You start with - what's that?

Dudley Moore: Spawn cocktail.

Peter Cook: Spawn cocktail. One of the most revolting dishes known to man. Then there's only two other dishes really. There's frog a la peche, which is a frog done in Cointreau and with a peach stuffed in its mouth And, ah, then, of course, there's peche a la frog, which is really not much to write home about. A waiter comes to your table. He's got this huge peach on it, which is covered in boiling liqueur, you see, and he slices it open to reveal about two thousand little black tadpoles squiggling about. It's one of the most disgusting sights I've ever seen. God, it turns me over to think of it. Squiggle, squiggle, they go.

Dudley Moore: Rather nauseating. Who does the cooking?

Peter Cook: My wife does the cooking and, luckily, she does the eating as well. An amazing creature. Of course, she's not a well woman.

Dudley Moore: No.

Peter Cook: Not a well woman at all, so she very much resents having to go down the well every morning to sprinkle "Swoop" on the toads. An amazing creature, my wife, an amazing creature.

Dudley Moore: Yes.

Peter Cook: I met her during the war actually.

Dudley Moore: You did?

Peter Cook: Yes, she blew in through the drawing room window with a bit of shrapnel, became embedded in the sofa and, you know, one thing led to her mother and we were married in the hour.

 

[Rick DeVille]

Dudley Moore: Um, yes, I suppose actually -

Peter Cook: Would you like some pond water?

Dudley Moore: No, I won't actually.

Peter Cook: It's two shillings.

Dudley Moore: No, no.

Peter Cook: It's revolting stuff. I wouldn't touch it.

Dudley Moore: No....er, um

Peter Cook: Good evening.

Dudley Moore: Good evening.

Peter Cook: What are you about to ask me about?

Dudley Moore: I'm about to ask you, um, I suppose this sort of menu could, in fact, appeal to the French.

Peter Cook: It could appeal to the French and I've tried appealing to the French over Radio Streeb-Greebling which, as you know, is situated in the moat, not a stone's throw from here, but, ah, the response has been - oh - it's not been excessive.

Dudley Moore: No.

Peter Cook: It's been nil.

Dudley Moore: Well, it all sounds rather disastrous to me.

Peter Cook: Catastrophic, I think, would be a better word, really, for it.

Dudley Moore: Do you have any other plans for other business ventures?

Peter Cook: Nnnnn-- yes and no. I thought of starting a sort of sophisticated restaurant with kind of, ah, sophisticated music somewhere up in Peebleshire. Somewhere where a young couple who're out for the evening, y'see, who've got about 85 guineas to spend to get a really decent meal.

Dudley Moore: Hmm. What are you going to call it?

Peter Cook: The Vole and Pea.

Dudley Moore: What sort of food?

Peter Cook: Well, ah, I was thinking largely: simple English roast vole, you know and, ah, a decent British pea. Put the two together and I think you're on pretty good ground.

Dudley Moore: Yes, indeed. Do you feel you've learnt by your mistakes here?

Peter Cook: I think I have, yes, and I think I can probably repeat them almost perfectly. I know my mistakes inside out.

Dudley Moore: I'm sure you will repeat them. Well, thank you very much, Sir Arthur.

Peter Cook: Thank you very much.

Dudley Moore: And good night.

Peter Cook: Would you like one for the toad?

Dudley Moore: No, thank you.

 

[scylis]

*points to my AV and grins*

"Lady, i'm afraid i'm going to have to ask you to leave the store."

who the hell are you?!?

"Name's Ash..... housewares."

I'll swallow your soul!

"come get some."

 

[Svedish_Chef]

I loved dudley moore, unlucky bastard.

 

[Ayaka]

Rick, long time no see

 

[perks]

favorite lines

I did one in a bar on 7th & 57th that was pretty enjoyable.

 

[APhil]

My favorite lines...

"I'm not even supposed to be here today!"

"What's my name, bitch?"

"Do what you feel, and keep both feet on the wheel; You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."

 

[scylis]

"it's too bad we can't have sex."

'yeah, so we'll do the next best thing: kill people.'



"stop stealing monkeys."

'fuck you!'

"fair enough."



"hey, baby baby! you wanna have your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?"

 

[Guest]

"stop stealing monkeys."

'fuck you!'

"fair enough."

LMAO!!

"Does your dog bite?"

"No"

*he pets dog and dog bites him*
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite??"

"That's not my dog"

 

[Starblayde]

The Principal and Giles from Buffy...

"I can smell trouble, its like a sixth sense."

"No, that would be one of the five."

 

[angel's pet]

LMAO!!

"Does your dog bite?"

"No"

*he pets dog and dog bites him*
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite??"

"That's not my dog"

That's my favorite!
Besides...

"I'm a Mog. Half man, half dog... I'm my own best friend..."

 

[heterotic]

One of my favorites:
Deep Thought: The answer to life, the universe, and everything is...
philosophers: Yes?
DT: Is...
P: YES?
DT: 42. I told you you weren't going to like it...

 

[Rick DeVille]

Peter Cook and Dudley Moore also recorded comedy under the names Clive and Derek.

This is one of the sketches.

DEREK: I was having a wank the other night,

CLIVE: Mmm.

DEREK: I was down in the living room .....

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK:..... having a wank, er, the, the telly was on .....

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK:..... and, er,

CLIVE: What did you use to arouse you?

DEREK:What did? ..... er,

CLIVE: What, visual stimuli? Or .....

DEREK:Yeah, I had the television on .....

CLIVE: What, what,

DEREK:..... but I wasn't looking at it.

CLIVE: Oh, I see, just,

DEREK:No.

CLIVE: Just the .....

DEREK:I had a toilet roll which I'd greased out,

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK:And I had my knob in it.

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: And, er, I plugged it into, er, into the train set. And, er, you know, I put the train set on and
every time it went over the junction, you know .....

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: Ter-, terrific vibes.

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: And, erm, I was just about to cum .....

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: And, er, Dolly came down the stairs.

CLIVE: What, the wife?

DEREK: Yeah. Opened the door, she said, "Err, what you doin' Derek?" I said, "Er, oh, I feel te-,
I've got a migraine .....

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: ..... and, er, the doctor told me to stick my knob in a toilet roll if I got a migraine."

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: And, er, you know, er, she said, "Oh darling, I'm sorry, I'll make you a cup of tea."

CLIVE: Oh, so she didn't suss that you were .....

DEREK: No.

CLIVE: ..... actually having a wank.

DEREK: So, anyway, she went out .....

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: ..... and I was just, as I say, I was just getting my load off, and it went all over the train set
and everything, .....

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: ..... she came back in, she said, "What's that on the train set?"

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: I said, "That? I just spilled my medicine, .....

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: ..... I've fucking spilled my medicine .....

CLIVE: That, yeah, yeah.

DEREK: ..... on the train set." And, er, so she scooped it up .....

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: ..... and I had to fucking drink it!

CLIVE: Oh no.

DEREK: But I felt, funnily enough I felt much better when I drank it.

CLIVE: Your migraine went, did it?

DEREK: My migraine went completely.

CLIVE: What, you, talking about migraines, er, I was having, er, well, what was basically my nine
o'clock Wednesday wank. Well .....

DEREK: What, morning or afternoon?

CLIVE: No, no, no, evening wank!

DEREK: Evening wank!

CLIVE: Evening wank. And, er .....

DEREK: You don't have a nine o'clock mo-, a.m. wank?

CLIVE: Not, well, I don't ..... it's down in my diary, but I don't normally, just .....

DEREK: You hardly ever, it's just really a, that's really, er, .....

CLIVE: That's an "optional".

DEREK: Optional, right, yeah.

CLIVE: Yeah. But I was having my nine in the evening wank, you know, and Audrey is usually out,
er, selling pins about that time of night, you know.

DEREK: (giggles)

CLIVE: She sells these pins to people, er, that's what she says in any case .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... and who am I to doubt it?

DEREK: Right. The fact .....

CLIVE: And so I thought I was alone in the house .....

DEREK: ..... the fact she comes home with her hair matted with spunk is, you know, not really .....

CLIVE: Well .....

DEREK: ..... here or there.

CLIVE: No, that's part of the pin-selling business.

DEREK: Right.

CLIVE: And, er, I was having, you know, a reasonable, a reasonable wank. I won't say it was, you
know, "out of this world" because it wasn't, I was a .....

DEREK: Just a, you know, run of the mill .....

CLIVE: ..... run of the, run of the mill, er, wank.

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: 'Cause I had this picture of, er, Clement Attlee up on the, er, windowsill, and I'd, er, drawn
in a huge, er, .....

DEREK: Moustache?

CLIVE: ..... moustache .....

DEREK: Mmm, gawd.

CLIVE: ..... on his, on his, on his, you know, on his, .....

DEREK: On his chin.

CLIVE: ..... on his chin. And, er, I was getting really excited, you know, 'cause Attlee with a
moustache on his chin is .....

DEREK: Awww, fuckin' 'ell, mate.

CLIVE: ..... is a turn on at the best of times, inhe?

DEREK: Oh, what?

CLIVE: "Clem the Gem", they didn't call him that for nothing.

DEREK: Right.

CLIVE: Biggest fucking sex symbol this country ever fucking produced.

DEREK: Right.

CLIVE: But! Anyway I was wanking away and, frankly, I was going slightly berserk, you know.

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: Clinging onto things, you know, .....

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: ..... jerking all round the room, pulling down all the furniture and fittings, and, er, grabbing
hold of the carpet and being sick in the ashtrays, you know, really having a .....

DEREK: Well .....

CLIVE: ..... a good .....

DEREK: ..... a run of the mill .....

CLIVE: ..... run of the mill Wednesday nine o'clock wank. In comes the last person I expect:
Audrey. Got back early from selling her pins.

DEREK: Oh, fucking hell.

CLIVE: And she said, "'ere, Clive, what you doing?"

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: And I said, "Audrey, love .....

DEREK: (giggles)

CLIVE: ..... I am acting under instruction. There are fourteen members of the Russian secret police
positioned around the room disguised as wallpaper. With guns pointing at my head. And they have
ordered me to finger my private parts continuously for the next hour, otherwise they'll shoot me."

DEREK: Right.

CLIVE: And she, you know, understood the situation and, er, well, .....

DEREK: L- .....

CLIVE: ..... swallowed it, yeah.

DEREK: Funny you should say that 'cause I went home to tea, last, er, last Tuesday, saw my Mum,
you know - she went over there to get a cup of tea, and, er, I thought, "I'll have a wank while she's
getting it done", you know.

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: Er, 'cause I like a wank, you know.

CLIVE: Well, you had a bit o-, you thought it'd take her about five minutes .....

DEREK: Five minutes .....

CLIVE: ..... to brew.

DEREK: ..... to brew, I thought, yo know, .....

CLIVE: "Have a four and a half minute wank." Why not? W-why not? It's a free fucking country,
init?

DEREK: Right! Exactly. So I got, er, I got the old knobber out, you know, and .....

CLIVE: You got your old one out, did you?

DEREK: Yeah.

CLIVE: I thought you were running in the new one?

DEREK: No, no, no, not yet. I'm saving that.

CLIVE: Oh, I see.

DEREK: And, I was, you know, really sort of smacking away, and, er, I had a photograph of my
Dad there, you know, and that really gets me going, as you know.

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: So, anyway, I was just, er, just cumming over his face, you know.

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: Fucking door opens, my Mum comes in with the tea .....

CLIVE: Oh no.

DEREK: She said, "What are you doing, Derek?" I said, er, "All right", I said, "All right, now you
have to know the truth: I've got cancer of the knob .....

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: ..... and I have to get this pus out every day. Every day I have to get this pus out." And, er,
she said, "Well what's, what's it doing all over Dad's picture?"

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: I said, er, .....

CLIVE: That's a bit of a poser for you.

DEREK: I said, "Well, I have to face due North, you see .....

CLIVE: Oh yeah!

DEREK: ..... when I'm wanking - I MEAN! - when I'm getting the pus out." Made a slip, you see.
She didn't notice 'cause, er, she farted at that moment and covered the word "wanking". She said,
"What did you say?" I said, "When I'm, erm, 'thinking'." So, er, then I said, er, "I've, I have to face
due North because it's something to do with the poles."

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: So, you know, nothing was said, and she said, "Oh," she said, "I didn't know you had
cancer of the knob."

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: I said, "Yeah, I've had it for years."

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: I said, "It's only a matter of time ..... it's only a matter of time."

CLIVE: I expect, 'xpect she broke down and, er, wept, didn't she?

DEREK: No, no, no, she's an 'ard bitch.

CLIVE: What'd she say? Just - ignore it?

DEREK: She said, er, yeah, she said, "Ignore it, it'll go away."

CLIVE: Mmm.

DEREK: And she was quite right - it's gone away.

CLIVE: What, y-, your old knob?

DEREK: No, the cancer.

CLIVE: Oh, the cancer's gone, has it?

DEREK: Yeah. I haven't got cancer anymore.

CLIVE: No, that's a story you made up for your Mum. You had wanking, you were going, you
didn't say you had cancer.

DEREK: Oh. Did-, oh. Oh, I didn't-, I don't have cancer of the knob?

CLIVE: No. No, that's just a story you made up for your Mum who found you were wanking, you
know.

DEREK: Oh, I forgot.

CLIVE: Yeah, well, I've got an even worse memory than you.

DEREK: Yeah?

CLIVE: Yeah. I-I-In fact, I've probably got the worst, I've got the worst memory and I've got the
worst diseases and I've suffered more than anybody else in the whole fucking world.

DEREK: Yeah?

CLIVE: Like last night, for example, I .....

DEREK: Last night? When was that? I don't remember.

CLIVE: Well, tomorrow morning I'm not planning on anything at all. But I didn't get to sleep at all,
and I had this terrible pain, er, it crippled me, you know, I was weeping and shouting and crying and
I had the worst night that anyone, anybody's ever had.

DEREK: What, last night?

CLIVE: When?

DEREK: Thi- this morning?

CLIVE: No you talking about?

DEREK: Well you, you just said you had a rotten night last night. Did, don't you remember saying
that?

CLIVE: No, I had a terrible night last night.

DEREK: No. You had a, oh, you had a bad night last night.

CLIVE: Not, I won't, what, yeah, terrible.

DEREK: Yeah?

CLIVE: Do you want to hear about it?

DEREK: No, I w- I was going to tell you about my night 'cause I had a, I, I, I, I didn't sleep at all
last ..... last week. I, I haven't slept for days now. But I .....

CLIVE: But, no, I, I

DEREK: I was in such pain. I was in SUCH pain that, er, Dolly had to, er, er, shut me up in a room,
you know we've got this sound-proof room we normally keep the lit-, the boy in there.

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: 'Cause we don't like to hear him screaming. And, er, so I was in there. And I was, you
know, I had, er, 'cause I, I got this, er, cancer.

CLIVE: Yeah, well, I've got, er, cancer of every part of the body, and, er, I haven't slept ever. In my
life, I've never, never slept at all.

DEREK: Erm, you ne-, aww .....

CLIVE: I've never been asleep .....

DEREK: No, it's funny you should say that.

CLIVE: ..... so I've suffered more than anyone in the world.

DEREK: Yeah? Yeah, well, I s'pose, yeah. I've, I've, erm, I, I've never s-, I've, course, yeah, just
like me!

CLIVE: What?

DEREK: Exactly the same as-, it's funny you should have said that!

CLIVE: What?

DEREK: It's exact-, well, .....

CLIVE: No, mine's worse than yours.

DEREK: I've got cancer of everything and I've got cancer of my wife as well.

CLIVE: I've got cancer of the mortgage. And the house, and got cancer of the garden. I've got
cancer of the season ticket.

DEREK: I've got cancer of the universe, mate.

CLIVE: I've got cancer of .....

DEREK: I've got .....

CLIVE: ..... of the cosmos.

DEREK: I've got .....

CLIVE: And what's more, .....

DEREK: ..... of the p- .....

CLIVE: ..... I, I had canc-, I w-, I had cancer before you were born.

DEREK: I have never been born. I'm not, I don't, I, I, I've never been here .....

CLIVE: Me neither.

DEREK: ..... and I've got cancer of that, too. I .....

CLIVE: I've got cancer of not ever being born.

DEREK: I've got ..... I've got .....

CLIVE: I've got cancer of never having existed in my fucking life.

DEREK: I've got cancer of, of n-, of never be-, being in the, in the scheme of things, ever.

CLIVE: I, I, I've, I've never even been planned by anyone.

DEREK: I ..... the word is meaningless. The w- ..... I .....

CLIVE: And I've, I've got cancer of the word "meaningless". I've got cancer of .....

DEREK: I ..... I've got cancer of nothing.

CLIVE: I've got cancer of ..... I've got .....

DEREK: I've got cancer of infinitely, the infinitesimal nothing.

CLIVE: I've got cancer of zero.

DEREK: I ..... I got ..... I .....

CLIVE: I've got cancer so enormous that people can't even see it. I've got cancer and I've never
been in existence. Ever.

DEREK: I've got cancer and I've never been in existence ever and I don't know who I'm talking
about because I, I, I've .....

CLIVE: I have no idea who I'm talking ..... 'cause I've never, I, I've no- ne-, I've never heard of who
your talking about.

DEREK: I've got cancer of, I've got cancer of never, of not being talked, of never being talked
about.

CLIVE: I've never been heard to speak in my life. I've got cancer of never being heard .....

DEREK: What you've just heard, what you've just heard you haven't heard 'cause I never said it
'cause I don't exist to say it. I'VE GOT CANCER OF THAT!

CLIVE: I've never been heard in my life. Nobody, no-, nobody heard what, nobody, nobody heard
what I said 'cause I haven't ever said anything 'cause I've never been born.

DEREK: Yeah, but everything you said, I've got cancer of.

CLIVE: No, I haven't.

DEREK: O-, no, I have.

CLIVE: Oh, I forget these things.

DEREK: What things?

CLIVE: You know.

DEREK: Oh.

CLIVE: I've got cancer of ..... I don't know.

DEREK: Oh.

CLIVE: And it's very, very painful.
And I've never heard anything, or ever been born, or seen anyone, or done anything.

DEREK: So have I.


(Thanks Foxy)

 

[sexy-girl]

best line from any film ever



"You know what the fellow said: In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love--they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.''

 

[Guest]

Captain Cook ~ Blackadder Goes Forth