Great Lines From Job Evaluations

Dillinger

Guerrilla Ontologist
Joined
Sep 19, 2000
Posts
26,152
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.

25. Of he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
 
I was once doing a consultation regarding personnel for a small customer service division and there was a note in an employee's folder which actually read:

"The only reason I can imagine human resources hired X is because they were out of rocks in the parking lot and they thought my team needed a new paperweight. I have since contacted grounds keeping and there are plenty of rocks, so as his supervisor, I would like to have him transferred out to the parking lot where he will feel more in step with his own kind."

When I asked the supervisor about it the guy didn't blink. He said, "Look, I'm not saying X is a rock. I'm saying X is OUTCLASSED, OUTWITTED, and OUTPERFORMED by the average chunk of concrete."

I then met with X, and I can tell you...concrete would have been offended.

MP ;)
 
True Story

A well dressed young lady walked into my office carrying a resume and tells me she would like to talk to someone about a receptionist position.

So far, she seems bright and smarter than your average bear. WRONG. She learned that line from a movie. How do I know this?

SHE TOLD ME. She says she watched some movie with Melanie Griffith (didn't recall the name of the movie...who cares anyway, right? *insert gum smacking here*) about a secretary who took over the business and she thought it would be "pretty neat" to work in an office for a change. At this point I used good judgement and didn't ask her what she had previously done for a living.

I turned to my filing cabinet to place her resume in the file marked "ONLY IF HELL SHOULD FREEZE OVER" and when I turned around she is holding up my Goofy snowglobe as if the marvel of it all had overwhelmed her. I ushered her out the door and answered the phones myself for the rest of the day. :)
 
Three fries short of a happy meal.

Only a few synapses are firing....
 
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