Grateful for some feedback

[Arethusa]

Hello literoticans,

I'd be very grateful for some feedback on my submission

It's part of a book I'm working on - probably for Black Lace, so it's aimed at the softcore erotica end of the market rather than more hardcore

Many thanks

A

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=452013

 

[CWatson]

This is cute. I didn't see anything particularly wrong with it. (I realize that's not very helpful as advice is concerned, but think of it this way: I, as an editor, expect a story to be perfect. If I've got nothing to say, it is perfect. And that takes some doing. )

One problem you're going to have, here at Literotica at least, is American idiots ripping into you because you're from the UK and they (the American idiots) can't handle the thought of anyone using grammar, spelling or punctuation standards they can't understand. They will tell you you're misspelling everything, using the wrong words, using the wrong punctuation, and give you crappy scores. Ignore them. Their words display their own ignorance.

Speaking only for myself, I could've used some more character establishment. I don't have any real sense of who your narrator is--I know she's female, because Nik is male, but that's about all. I don't know much about Nik either, other than that he drives automobiles, evidently in car races but I'm not sure about that either. And who the hell's Ben? And how does Nik take a "step" towards your narrator if his legs are broken? I know it's all the vogue in fiction nowadays to imply instead of state outright--it's the legacy of Ernest Hemingway--but--and this is not meant to offend, just to state the facts--most of us aren't Hemingway. If the story is unclear, you can't just say, "Well, he did it that way and it worked," you have to say, "Shoot, I'd better make it clear then." The reason he could do it is that he was a fucking genius. We're just plebes.

(Also, keep in mind that I'm not a fan of short stories, and that subtlety is completely beyond me, so my opinion is biased far to the "like a sledgehammer to the face" side of things. You'll want to hear from more people than just me before you decide if your story is too opaque.)

In any case, that's my thoughts on your story. If this is your first complete work of fiction, then holy crap, you are one talented writer. I wish my first had been half as good.

 

[Arethusa]

Thanks very much for that, CWatson

It is just an extract from a (currently) 80,000 word novel, so it is missing any kind of backstory (such as the fact that Cass has given Nik a drive because he'd previously broken his legs in an accident so the other teams were avoiding him as he had no current results - not that he's currently limping around in plaster and on crutches!)

Perhaps I should have clarifed that a little more - sorry, readers!

I've written a couple of other novels, but none yet published, so I'm hoping to get this one to a higher standard before submitting it

 

[SweetOblivion]

good snippet

An 80,000 word endeavour sounds impressive if it is all to the standard of the snippet. Perhaps you should hunt for an editor here and see if they can work with you to get the novel up to a publishable standard. It seems to be quite marketable softcore and I wish you well with it.

Sweet O.

 

[Arethusa]

Thanks Sweet O

I'm new to this site, but an editor sounds like an excellent step forward

Will have a hunt around the site unless there's anyone you can recommend

 

[Bianca_Sommerland]

RVC'd. Liked it a lot. Got one question though. Why was Cass naked under her coat?

 

[Arethusa]

Because she sleeps naked and just threw on her coat to check what was happening in the garage as she wasn't expecting anyone to be there

I take it that didn't come across in the extract! I'll have a rework

 

[mia_erotica]

good job

I liked this story very much. Your dialogue is very good. I think you will have no problem selling your work.

 

[Maccar]

I like your writing style, it's very readable.

The one thing that's lacking in this extract is character detail but, as you said in an earlier post, there is a back story.

Also, it'd be good to understand Nik's motivation for disappearing at the end, and the effect it had on Cass (particularly as she was initially fearing rejection in the garage). I guess that is dealt with later on in the novel?

Good luck with getting it published!

 

[Firebrain]

I particularly liked your dialogue.

I think I'd try and cut out some 'wordiness.' Three lines describing an orgasm have a lot more thunder than six, if you catch my drift You have some nice little analogies and similies but I think you go just a little bit overkill and it can steal some of the impact. You could easily lose a good 20% of what you have - even down to missing out the repetition of 'garage' in your first paragraph. Every line, ask yourself - is this honestly neccessary? What have I already mentioned or implied? And in the case of sex scenes - is the reader still reeling from the last word of the last sentence?

The other thing that caught me were the lines about how she didn't normally want to be fucked, what was happening to her, etc - I found this very cliche. You describe Cass's feelings of anticipation really well and then this bit falls a little flat; I want her to be more complicated than that in order to add that extra dimension, you know? She's a woman fucking a stranger in a garage; she is complicated. Don't sell her short.

Good luck

 

[Arethusa]

Thanks for all the feedback

I know I have a tendancy to be a bit wordy, so probably need a good editor to take out all the extraneous bits - ie. prune it! I'm hoping it just needs a trim rather than a complete Hollywood!

I'm still learning about getting the balance right between allowing the reader to build up to the orgasm along with the woman (and the risk that it drags on too long) against it finishing too quickly so the reader doesn't get anything out of it

The joy of writing, eh?