Grateful Dead Jokes

[DannyBoyUK]

Q: How do you know when deadheads have been staying with you?
A: They're still there.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Q: How do you know when they're gonna leave?
A: The phone bill comes.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Q: Where do you hide things from deadheads?
A: Under the soap.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Q: If you see three flies in the bathroom, how do you know which one is the deadhead?
A: The one on the pot.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Q: What do deadheads say when they run out of dope?
A: What is this awful music?

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Q: Why do deadheads swirl their arms when they dance?
A: To keep the music out of their eyes.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Q: How many deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: 40,000. One to change the lightbulb, 499 to tape the event, 15,000 to dance and twirl in ecstasy, 5000 to sit and grumble that "they used to change 'em better in the old days", 5,000 to wander around outside with (mix and match) one finger in the air, calling out "doses", "da kine", "veggie burritos", "groovy dyes", "guats", "spare change", "gas/motel/food money", 4000 to wander around outside dancing at the cars with the tunes blasting from the tape decks, lining up at the balloon trucks, 100 scalpers selling fake bulbs, 400 state/local/federal officers looking for all the above...oh, yeah, and 10,000 to follow the old burned out one to the next town.
A2: Two, one to twist it and one to light it.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Q: How many netheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: Read the FAQ.
A2: Two...one to screw it in and one to bitch about how much better it was when it was dark.
A3: Two...one to screw it in and one to say "Me, too!"
A4: You ignorant fool! This is the wrong newsgroup. Take this discussion to sci.engr.lighting...

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Q: Why is sending DATs over the internet like putting Jerry, Phil and Billy in the front seat of a Bug?
A: Neither one is going to happen because of bandwidth!

 

[DannyBoyUK]

This head is in Austin for spring tour and he goes into the hotel bar after the show and orders a beer. He remarks that the bar is 50 feet long. "Sure", the bartender replies, "everything is bigger in Texas". The bartender brings him his beer, and it must be 64 ounces! The bartender says "Yep, even the beers are bigger in Texas". The head has to relieve himself after such a large beer, and asks the barkeep where the toilet is. He's still a little addled from the show, and goes through the door on the left instead of the right and falls into the pool. Panicked, he yells, "don't flush, don't flush!"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Two heads were discussing a recent show. "It was terrible, the mix was bad, Jerry forgot lines, the playing was uninspired, it was torture to listen to," said the first. The second added, "I agree, and it was too short, too!".

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Cosmo the deadhead is at the end of his rope. He's broke, half a continent away from his folks and he needs to get home. All he has left is his dog, Astro. He spies a likely yuppie couple on the way to their Porsche. He says, "Excuse me, I'm broke and I want to sell my dog for bus money. He's special dog, he even talks! Ask him something." The man seems appalled, but the woman is itrigued. "Oh Dale, that would be so kewl! OK, doggie, what's your favorite dead song?" Astro barks "Wharf, wharf, wharf". The couple laugh at this and leave, without buying Astro, of course. Astro looks at Cosmo and says, "maybe I should have said Playin'?"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Jerry Garcia and Eric Clapton are captured by cannibals one day. Before they are about to be cooked for dinner they are granted one final wish. Jerry says "hand me my old guitar and let me play Dark Star one last time...". Eric says "please kill me before he starts".

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Deadhead Zeke was seeing a show out of town, and was going to crash at his pal Cosmo's place. However, Zeke missed Cosmo after the show, and was feeling pretty lost and disoriented. So he called Cosmo asking how to get to his pad. Cosmo told him to look at a street sign to find out where he was, and he would go pick him up. Zeke looks at the street and says, "I'm at the intersection of Walk, Don't Walk". Cosmo replies "Dude! that's right outside my building!"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Two deadheads are on vacation in Germany and decide to visit Beethoven's grave. They approach the cemetery and are startled to find someone sitting in the open grave, furiously tearing up scores of music. Outraged, they demand to know what's going on. "Shhh," comes the reply, "...I'm decomposing."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Jerry comes to his senses right after his death, looks around and sees that he is in the midst of rock music's late great ones: Jimi Hendix, Janis Joplin, Elvis Presley, and many more. He even sees his old friend Pigpen. So Jerry walks up to him and after their initial greetings says, "This is fantastic, man! I never thought heaven would be like this, spending all of eternity playing music with all the great ones!" Pigpen looks up at Jerry and says, "What? You mean you think you're in heaven?" Just then, Karen Carpenter appears on stage, takes the microphone, and says, "Alright now, one more time until you get it right: 'Close to you.'"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him. "Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie jacks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?" The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Did you hear about the deadhead that studied for five days for a drug test?

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Q: What do you call someone who smokes up every day at 4:21?
A: A chronically late person

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Q: Why do they call it a "roach clip"?
A: Because "pot holder" was already taken.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Q: How do you keep a deadhead in suspense?