Grassroots Discussion/Workshop: Rumple Foreskin

[Pure]

Grassroots Workshop: Rumple Foreskin

From our distinguished 'Rumple,' a work in progress.
For the workshop.

Rumple is known for his characters, and his sense of the historical time and place, the social setting, of his stories. Still, no one can be his own editor or critic; other sets of eyes are always needed to see if an intention has been successfully embodied in a work of literature or literotica.

I shall let him pose some questions.

J

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Thank you, Pure.

This is the first chapter of a planned novella/multi-chapter series. My goal is to assuage the desires of the typically cerebral Literotica reader with an old-fashioned incest/lesbian/group/slut/stroke story. This chapter involves sibling incest with the college age protag seducing her high school senior (and very willing) brother. (The next chapter continues their fun & games with a touch of plot development.)

Any feedback will be appreciated. However, here are a few areas that worry me the most.

1. This is a 3300-word chapter. The hands-on “good” stuff doesn’t start for 1000 words and it’s another 600 words before the protag crawls into bed with her brother. I’ve tried to make those 1600 words interesting, but is there too much back-story and not enough immediate action?

2. Once the protag and her brother finally “get it on” is the sex scene worth the wait or was the backstory more stimulating?

3. Are the two characters, especially the protag, believable and interesting? I’ve never “done” a slut character before. What I’m trying to do with this one is make her a smart, fairly self-actualized person who enjoys sex, thinks she understands why, and isn’t interested in personal commitments.

4. Overall, do you think the average Lit reader would finish the chapter and then start on chapter two? If not, why?

I now await your sage wisdom, counsel and advice.

Rumple Foreskin

--

Jackson Junction
Chapter One

Horny and half-naked, Randi Druitt stood in the open door and studied her kid brother. Some kid. Jim was stretched out on his bed, reading a paperback. He might still be 18, but with his long, muscular build, dark hair, eyes the same color blue as their late father’s, and a smile that could get him laid in a nunnery, he looked all man. In the past, it’d made her proud to have such a hunk for a brother. But that was before she’d come back to Jackson Junction. Now, looking at Jim laying on his back with nothing on but his boxers made her feel horny as hell.

Thanks to the crappy, late winter weather, business at the store had been slow all day. Most of the time there’d been nothing to do but stare out at the weather and think about sex. That’s one reason she was horny now, but not the only one.

She’d come back home to run the family store so her mother could move in with Aunt Clara to take care of her and the four kids. The Christmas car wreck that almost killed Clara had left her needing months of rehab. And while Uncle Norwood tried to help, he was working double-shifts to help pay the medical bills.

When Randi was a kid, Clara had been more like a fun-loving big sister and confidant than an aunt. So when her mother suggested Randi skip a semester to run the store, she’d managed to smile and nod even though she’d been groaning inside. It meant giving up the wild parties and wilder sex life she loved so much, for quiet, rustic, boring Jackson Junction. Her hometown might be a great place to grow up or grow old. But it was hell on earth if you were out of high school and single.

With so many fun guys at college, she hadn’t dated a local guy since breaking up with Craig Dickerson. That’d been three years ago this coming July, and she still missed him. But even if he’d gotten over catching her in bed with another guy, no one knew where he was.

The few single men her age around here were all either losers or creeps or both. That most especially included her first boyfriend and lover, Dwayne Self. He kept hitting on her but she’d never be that desperate.

Still, it all boiled down to her not getting laid since coming back home. Abstinence was not in her make-up. So if she didn’t get some action soon, real soon, she might become the first person on record to die of horniness.

That’s why she was now eyeing Jim with more that sisterly affection. She’d decided something had to be done. After all, she was on her last vibrator and her fingers were almost worn out.

Tonight seemed like a perfect opportunity. Jim was a senior in high school and busy damn near every night. But thanks to the winter storm warnings, all school events were cancelled and their mother had decided to spend the weekend at Aunt Clara’s. Their stepfather, a long-distance truck driver, was somewhere out on the west coast. That meant she and Jim would be home alone that evening, and probably the rest of the weekend.

At first she’d tried to get his attention by stepping into his room wearing her short, terrycloth bathrobe. The excuse was to let him know she was about to take a shower. He’d looked over, said okay, and gone back to his book.

The next time she was wearing bikini panties, a longish t-shirt and had her hair wrapped in a towel. She stopped and leaned in the door to ask if he wanted anything from the kitchen. All that got her was a quick glance and a no thanks.

Back in her room, Randi plopped down on the bed to dry her hair, consider the problem, and work through her frustration. Since moving home, she’d noticed a subtle change in Jim’s manner. It came and went. Still, all signs seemed to point to her kid brother having the hots for her. But if she was right, why’d he keep acting like he wasn’t interested in fooling around?

Maybe the idea of incest turned him off, or maybe she'd been wrong about Jim wanting her. After all, she probably wasn't his type. He'd dated Shirley Matson for ages. Friends called her slender and elegant. Other’s said she was skinny and prissy. But everyone agreed she was beautiful. Whatever words were used, Randi was certain none of them came close to describing her.

And in fact, Randi wasn’t a true beauty, but men seldom noticed. She was a flirtatious party-girl with striking green eyes, a mischievous smile, a figure that was more than adequate, and nice long legs. But what she saw in her mirror was a big butt, small boobs, a face no more than average, and heavy thighs.

Still, if she was right about Jim being interested in her, then tonight’s failures had nothing to do with looks. The problem had to be the incest taboo. In that case, the first thing she needed was his undivided attention. After that, getting him to see her not just as his sister but as an available and very willing female should be a snap.

After two failed tries, it was obvious more direct action would be needed to get his mind off that damn English assignment and onto her. For just a second, she considered pretending to see a Peeping Tom. She’d scream, run into his room buck naked, and jump into bed with him. But knowing Jim, he’d jump right out, grab a pistol and, storm or no storm, go looking around outside. Besides, there was one other plan she'd wanted to try first. But if it didn’t work--who knew?

So now she was standing in her brother’s bedroom doorway, freshly showered with her strawberry-blonde hair dried and brushed out. Other than a touch of make-up around the eyes and a dab of perfume, all she had on was the long t-shirt. It featured a big, toothy grin and the words, “Candy’s dandy, but sex don’t cause cavities.” She’d swiped it off a pre-dental student she once slept with.

With her arms demurely at her sides, the t-shirt’s hem barely covered her patch of reddish pubs. But since nothing else had worked, that position was about to change. Taking a deep breath, she stepped into the room and strode over to the side of his bed.

“Jim, I need your opinion on something.”

He looked away from, “Great Expectations,” then did a quick double take. His eyes trailed up her thighs to the impossibly short hem of the t-shirt and then on up to her face. When their eyes met, he gave her that soul-destroying smile. “If you want my opinion on you outfit, I think it’s great. But the skirt may be a little short for Jackson Junction.”

It was a nice line. Randi relaxed a little and grinned. “Why, I do thank you. But what I really wanted to know was what you thought about my hair. I’ve been letting it grow. Do you think it looks better down, like I’ve got it now?” She shook her head, sending her shoulder-length hair swirling.

“Or do you like it better up, like this?” With one fluid motion she raised her arms, gathered her hair in her hands, and then pushed it to the top of her head. As she’d known, the gesture lifted the bottom of the t-shirt several inches above her trimmed bush.

The moment her muff came into view, Jim’s cock sprang from his boxers. Seeing it, Randi’s stomach fluttered with excitement. It looked long, thick, and beautiful. What’s more, it seemed to be bobbing with anticipation and pointing right at her snatch. She and Jim looked at it, and then at each other. With her hands still raised, Randi nodded at the new arrival. “You and your friend seem to like my hair better up.”

“Well, to be honest, it wasn’t your hair up there that got my, got our, attention. It was the hair down here.” The book had vanished. He reached out, hesitated, and then used the back of one finger to stroke her pubs. At his touch, Randi’s knees almost buckled. This was going to be good.

To keep from falling, she moved closer, spreading her legs slightly and bracing them against the side of his bed. She wanted to say something but couldn’t talk. All she could do was stare down at her brother who was, in turn, staring at her pussy. They both watched his fingers explore the converging line of her thighs, the sensitive skin beneath her silky pubs, and the damp, swollen lips that marked the entrance to her churning body.

When a fingertip slipped inside and brushed against her clit, she shuddered. “Oh, damn it, Jim. Please, don’t make me beg.”

He tore his gaze away from the curly bush just inches from his face and looked up at her. “Make you beg? This is like a dream come true. I just can’t believer you really want to.”

“Want to? I haven’t even had a date since coming back from college. Believe me, I don’t just want to, I need to. Now.”

“Oh, God, me too. Shirley and I broke up before Christmas, remember? And since then, having you so close, I thought I’d die.”

This was too much. She and Jim had both been horny as hell and wanting each other but afraid to make the first move. It might have been funny if she wasn’t about to explode. “Well, I may still die if we don’t get started.”

Not waiting for any response, she crawled onto the bed and mounted Jim. Reaching between her thighs, she grabbed his thick shaft and lowered her hips until the cockhead was securely in place, then slammed her hips down. At the feel of her brother’s beautiful boner surging up into her long neglected pussy, she let out a groan of pleasure and relief.

They were still searching for a rhythm when Jim thrust up hard, driving his cockhead into previously untouched recess of her pussy. The deep, powerful stroke triggered an unexpected explosion within her body. With a cry of, “Oh shit, yes,” she surrendered to the climax. Waves of passion raced from her pussy. It was hard to breath, impossible to think. She had no idea where she was or who she was with or even what they were doing. Then at the height of her own passion, something warm and strong erupted inside her, and then she remembered.

Opening her eyes, she looked down at the almost anguished expression on her brother’s face. She contracted her pussy around his dick, trying to milk it dry and increase both his pleasure and her own. Jim’s hips were thrust high and trembling, turning his dick into a hard, flesh-and-blood vibrator. The sensation was exquisite and triggered another orgasm that rocked her body, mind, and maybe even her soul.

It was one of those fireworks and shooting star deals. She began to lean forward. But Jim grabbed at her breasts, pushing her back upright. She gasped at the increased pressure inside her pussy. With nothing else to hold to, she wrapped her arms around her head as her body thrashed about on Jim’s unyielding dick. Just as she began to recover, he lowered his hips only to launch them back up, shoving deep into her panting body and sparking another erotic explosion.

By the time the room started coming back into focus, she was lying on Jim’s chest, trying to regain her senses. Though still a little disoriented, she recognized the wonderful feel of a stiff cock sliding back and forth inside her hot juicy pussy. With a surge of joy, she realized her brother was still hard and wanted more. That was fine with her. She was eager to take everything that marvelous young cock of his could deliver.

The next time was slower, easier, more sensuous. They even started kissing. As she’d expected, Jim was a good kisser. Having his tongue exploring deep in her mouth while his cock did the same inside her pussy was such an incredible turn-on. What made it even nicer was having his long fingers massaging her bottom and squeezing the cheeks of her ass while he kept rhythmically pumping his cock back and forth inside her pussy.

Most of the time, Randi liked to set the pace when making love. It wasn’t a matter of dominance or submission, just a desire to make sure things got done right. That’s why it surprised her when, at some point, she found herself letting Jim take over. It was a sensuous feeling, almost luxurious, having him direct the action. He might be younger and less experience, but she sensed he was a competent, caring lover. And there was something else, something special she couldn’t quite identify. But it was something more than just his being her brother.

Whatever the cause, for the next few months they could almost be like they were live-in lovers. So even if he proved to be less than great in bed, there was plenty of time for him to improve. They both wanted this and were in it together. And that made it extra special.

So was the feel of his fantastic dick inside her pussy. She wanted to check it out so bad. But right now it was doing too good a job to stop. Randi shuddered with pleasure and her body contracted around that hard thick piston pumping away inside her.

Jim must have sensed her growing passion. He began using deeper, faster strokes. From deep inside her insatiable pussy, a growing heat began radiating. Then Jim squeezed hard on the cheeks of her ass while slamming home every inch of his unyielding cock. Randi whimpered and clung to her brother as it triggered another mind numbing orgasm.

It might not have been as powerful as the earlier ones, but it seemed to last forever. Each time she began to recover, Jim would slam back into her, sending new waves of passion rippling across her body. It seemed like a long, glorious time before he showed any mercy. Or maybe she was too exhausted to feel anything else. But the climax finally ebbed away, leaving her spent and, oh so content.

Tremors still raced through her body. She’d been in this same position for, how long? Who knew when they’d started or what time it was now, or cared? But she did need to stretch out. With Jim’s help, they rolled over together. She sighed and wriggled on the bed. That’s when she noticed he was still inside her, still hard, and still wearing his boxer shorts.

To confirm what she already knew, Randi contracted her vagina and felt it clutching at a thick hard shaft. “I’m not believing you.”

Jim smiled, and returned the compliment. “It’s as much your doing as mine.”

She felt a mixture of disbelief, excitement, and pride in her brother’s staying power. “Well, however you’re doing it, I’m still willing. But, you gotta get rid of those disgusting drawers.”

Jim laughed and said, “You drive a tough bargain.” A moment later he held a pair of wet, sticky boxers.

“You’re a man of many talents Mr. Druitt. Now, where were we?”

The shorts sailed across the room and landed with a damp, plop. He looked down at her and then flexed his hips, sending his cock back into her pussy. “Were we here?”

“Oh yes. Oh--” Her voice trailed off into a sigh as Jim plunged his hard young cock deeper into her tingling pussy, then began hammering into her with an almost maniacal fury. The sensation was so intense, so exquisite, it was hard to even breath. All she could do was wrap her arms and legs around his straining body and urge him to fuck her even harder.

He ran his fingers over her face and then into her hair. Using it to direct her lips to his, he attacked her mouth. She received the assault with an open lips and a darting tongue. Their kisses were hungry, primal, and erotic beyond belief. Once again the combination of her brother’s tongue and cock working together triggered an orgasm. The pleasure was excruciating. She gasped and shuddered under the impact of Jim’s unrelenting attack and the passion it had unleashed.

The aftershocks of the orgasm seemed to go on forever. In part because Jim never stopped or even slowed down. If anything, he was pounding into her with even greater ferocity. Each stroke seemed deeper and more violent than the one before. But even as she urged her brother to batter her even harder, a small part of her mind felt serene.

At the height of her last climax she’d felt the strangest sensation. She and Jim weren’t just two people screwing; they were two people making love as one. Because it’d come to her that she had an intuitive awareness of her brother’s inner thoughts.

Back when she was on top, apparently in charge, she’d felt herself turning over control to Jim. Now, even though it might look like he was trying to screw her into a coma, she sensed he was putting her in charge. He wanted nothing more than to be a force of nature, free of all self-imposed restraint, hurling himself on and into her willing body. And while she was the grateful recipient of that passion, he wanted her to be its conductor. Their minds were working as one.

It was a shared consciousness and very intimate. She’d felt something similar when she was a kid, hiding in the dark, watching her mother and father make love. It’d made her feel safe and happy. Then her daddy died and so did the feeling.

Years later, it’d been re-kindled by Craig Dickerson. Only with him it was both spiritual and outrageously physical. Now with Jim, she felt it once again, felt it sensitizing every cell in her body. While Jim physically assaulted her with an animal-like ferocity, their mental connection super-charged each orgasm.

She’d just experienced another mini-climax when the constant pounding stopped. It was disorienting, and she said nothing while her legs were lifted high and wide, very wide. Jim pushed them so far apart her muscles and ligaments began to protest. Before she could decide what to do or say, Jim pulled back until only his cockhead was still in place, then he slammed back down.

With her legs spread-eagled, Randi could feel his big cockhead hurtling deeper and deeper until just as their bodies met, it hammered against her cervix. The pain wasn’t unbearable, but it wasn’t fun. “Oh, shit. Not so deep, Jim. Please.”

All movement stopped. He looked surprised, concerned, maybe even embarrassed. With great care he lowered her legs. “Sorry, Randi. I mean, I wasn’t trying to hurt you or anything. That was just something I’d read about and though it’d be fun.”

“It didn’t hurt that much, honest. You’re just mucho man, especially with me in that position. I could have taken it. But I might have been sore and out of action the rest of the weekend. And we wouldn’t won’t that, would we?”

Jim looked relived and a little startled, as if he hadn’t realized they had the entire weekend to make love. As he shook his head, Randi felt something sliding out of her pussy and then heard a little plop. In his concern for her, Jim had lost his erection. She wiped his sweaty face and smiled. “So now we know how to deflate that thing. Come on, let’s go shower.”

 

[Black Tulip]

Rumple,

I hope you don't mind me giving you some comments.
I'll try to answer your questions but I like to start with saying I think it's a good read. Apart from some typo's.

My comments are merely because you asked to make it even better.

1. This is a 3300-word chapter. The hands-on “good” stuff doesn’t start for 1000 words and it’s another 600 words before the protag crawls into bed with her brother. I’ve tried to make those 1600 words interesting, but is there too much back-story and not enough immediate action?

In my opinion you could use some more background.
"Now, looking at Jim laying on his back with nothing on but his boxers made her feel horny as hell."
You explain other reasons for her being horny further on, but this suggests she has the hots for her brother and the rest of your story makes it more of a convenience thing to start with. They are horny and the other one is a body at hand. Why not let the thought pop into her head while looking at stud-brother here instead of later on?
"That’s why she was now eyeing Jim with more that sisterly affection. She’d decided something had to be done. After all, she was on her last vibrator and her fingers were almost worn out."

Thinking back to another lover "she still missed him". Maybe a few words on why?

I think you did well in portraying her side. This piece was very nice:
"And in fact, Randi wasn’t a true beauty, but men seldom noticed. She was a flirtatious party-girl with striking green eyes, a mischievous smile, a figure that was more than adequate, and nice long legs. But what she saw in her mirror was a big butt, small boobs, a face no more than average, and heavy thighs."

2. Once the protag and her brother finally “get it on” is the sex scene worth the wait or was the backstory more stimulating?

As far as I was concerned the sex scene was good. I like the image of the one powerful thrust to shatter the world. LOL
One thing bothered me though. You make it like the brother is less experienced, but he is able to give his sister countless orgasms. And then you add
"So even if he proved to be less than great in bed, there was plenty of time for him to improve."

Maybe I am easily pleased, but with a lover like that I would not be thinking about improvements.

3. Are the two characters, especially the protag, believable and interesting? I’ve never “done” a slut character before. What I’m trying to do with this one is make her a smart, fairly self-actualized person who enjoys sex, thinks she understands why, and isn’t interested in personal commitments.

I think you have given a few hints as to why she turned into a slut.

"It was a shared consciousness and very intimate. She’d felt something similar when she was a kid, hiding in the dark, watching her mother and father make love. It’d made her feel safe and happy. Then her daddy died and so did the feeling."

"Craig Dickerson. Only with him it was both spiritual and outrageously physical."

Now, if he was so special it's not logical to cheat on him. If it had been the other way around, she could be still searching for that special connection on a subconscious level. Making her behave like a slut. Then, finding the connection with her brother you would open up a whole area of possible developments.

"Maybe the idea of incest turned him off, or maybe she'd been wrong about Jim wanting her."
I think this is not enough. She is not turned off by incest? Why not? And there is no hesitation on the brother's part either. Nothing from the moment she shows her pussy.

I think the part where he touches her for the first time is very "touching". But why not let him snatch his hand back or something?

4. Overall, do you think the average Lit reader would finish the chapter and then start on chapter two? If not, why?

Not sure about your average Lit reader. I liked the story well enough, but I felt a bit sorry for the brother. Maybe if you hinted about him getting off in chapter 2?
Hitting the cervix could have turned me off as a reader. I know it's realistic and I know some women like it, but it made me winch, severely so. That hurts! But that is personal.

Overall I liked the story and I think you did a good job as far as I can tell. I do not read incest for my own pleasure.

 

[Pure]

Hi Rumple,

That's a nice li'l fluff; smooth as Southern Comfort; nasty, biting, and powerful as sour mash moonshine.

you asked:
1. This is a 3300-word chapter. The hands-on “good” stuff doesn’t start for 1000 words and it’s another 600 words before the protag crawls into bed with her brother. I’ve tried to make those 1600 words interesting, but is there too much back-story and not enough immediate action?

I don't think so. Essentially you're explaining her horniness, etc.
I will say that some of the back story is not that compelling. (You could spruce it up.)

2. Once the protag and her brother finally “get it on” is the sex scene worth the wait or was the backstory more stimulating?

The sex scene is good; more stimulating than the backstory. (See comments, after.)

3. Are the two characters, especially the protag, believable and interesting? I’ve never “done” a slut character before. What I’m trying to do with this one is make her a smart, fairly self-actualized person who enjoys sex, thinks she understands why, and isn’t interested in personal commitments.

The woman is somewhat of a character. ( Interesting physical description. ) I don't see much of that in the man.

4. Overall, do you think the average Lit reader would finish the chapter and then start on chapter two? If not, why?

I think s/he'd like the chapter. However you haven't (to my impaired senses) given many hints or hooks as to anything to occur next, that would be very intriguing, except of course, more screwing, which is always nice. (There's a point where she thinks of there being time, in the future, to work things out, but then you don't give them anything that needs it.)

Unless you're gonna bring in his slender ex or something!

The story, to my impression, wavers between over-the-top spoof, and porn. The names, for example, point toward spoof. Jaded as I am, I prefer the first. Hence I found some of the sex detail definitely obvious crotchgrabbing. (A bone tossed to the wankers, as it were.)

There's a fine line between the purple prose of a good spoof, and a piece of porn that (according to the genre) has to take itself seriously, including its excessive wording. It leans more toward the latter at times. I'd prefer more 'distance' from her comings. Do they have to be cosmic?

The first para is so obvious as to be best taken as spoof. Handsome hunk in boxers. Brother. 'Randi' sister. Ummm... what do you think is next? IOW, it doesn't look like the start of a Dostoevskian character study!

The cervix part was interesting.

Maybe I missed something, but I gather the only reason for his hesitation was that he wanted her to make the first move? If so, you miss a chance to introduce complexity. Maybe he just boffed a younger cousin, and it turned out badly when the 14yr old got pregnant.

If I may faintly echo a remark of yours, about another piece of writing. The 'story' per se has not much tension. Each person is straight, and horny; each gets what he or she wants, no hitches; no delays. You don't introduce much tension or wondering in the reader, even over the most obvious point, the incest. I.e., in all but the most commonplace one-draft incest story, there's at least 30 seconds' hesitation. Some anxiety whether it's right.

For another, I'm very overexposed, but you've not introduced any kinks or mysteries into what's a seemingly totally normal sexuality. Again, no doubt I may have missed clues. For instance, had our heroine just been dabbling in lesbian sex, before this episode, she'd be wondering, "How good can straight sex be, for me?" (To put it differently, your own description of her as a 'self actualized', thinking man's sex hound, does not leave much room for dev't, realization, shock, or upset; at least that this reader can sense. Suggestion: if she's to be so straightforward, easy to predict, make her bro less so.)

Or, without the kink, if she'd been raped a while ago and was less that totally abandoned-- i.e., the story is about her loosening up-- that would be tension. When both people, even though related, open up full steam and fuck each other silly in
ch 1, one has to wonder where things are going.

I'd suggest more linkages (laying foundations); else for the next chapter, it may well get pretty lame: "As they were eating breakfast, in their dressing gowns, there was a knock on the door. Opening it, Jim saw his old fried Lance 'Driller' Strongshaft, the admiring nick having been given to him by the rest of the high school football team after an extraordinary weekend last July."

---
There are odd occasional typos. Noted:

laying on his back
Other’s said
you outfit
can't believer
a cry of,

Then at the height of her own passion, something warm and strong erupted inside her, and then she remembered.

less experience
spent and, oh so content
Randi felt something sliding out of her pussy

---
All in all, a smoothly written, nice romp off to a roaring start. Feel free to ignore the cavils above. If you're looking to snag the average reader, trawling, rather than fly fishing may be inappropriate; maybe 'depth' issues are a waste of time to think about or execute.

J.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Black Tulip and Pure,

Many thanks to both of you for the feedback and suggestions. With a novel/novella, there's always a balancing act over how much and how strong you suggest future events and situations without bogging down the readability factor.

In this case, BT picked up on several clues Pure may have overlooked during his 4:00 am reading (get some zzz's, lad). That could also be a male/female thing or just them. Whatever the case, unless there's a sudden groundswell of opinion one way or the other, it means little ol moi will be stuck with some decisions.

For what it's worth, here's a little plot:

Why back when, BT's right about the influnce on Randi of watching her parents make love and then her father dying. Years later, when good-time Aunt Clare was living with Randi's family. she initiated Randi into the lesbian side of the the bi equation. Whether I'll use that in a flashback or even make a reference to it later I'm not sure.

However, Randi is scheduled to have a brief lesbian relationship with a second cousin. But she'll quickly discover the cousin's main interest is her brother. Randi plays cupid but when they become an item, it's very monogomous and she's the "odd man" out.

The main squeeze in Randi's life was the Craig character. His only "rule" was that she not cheat on him. And in her own way, she was faithful to him while they dated in high school.

But when they graduated, instead of getting married or going to the same college as him, which is what he wanted, she attended another school. When he made a "surprise" visit and found her in bed with another guy during a party, it was over between them.

There are a whole host of reasons for her actions. Now she regrets the consequences, but not her decision.

Natch Craig will reappear and Jim's skinny ex-girlfriend is gong to muck things up. Eventually Randi will have the choice or personal freedom or the only guy she ever cared for out of bed.

--Slow fade to credits with Janis Joplin singing "Freedom's just another word for, nothing left to lose."--

Again, thanks to you both. You've given me a lot to think about and a bunch of good suggestions.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[damppanties]

Hi Rumps,

1. This is a 3300-word chapter. The hands-on “good” stuff doesn’t start for 1000 words and it’s another 600 words before the protag crawls into bed with her brother. I’ve tried to make those 1600 words interesting, but is there too much back-story and not enough immediate action?

I'd not say there's too much backstory but whatever backstory there is, is much too drab, according to me. The first paragraph is very predictable, too much so, but then you are trying to write a 'typical' Lit. story so that's not really a criticism.

The backstory seems like you're giving us 1, 2, 3 points and ticking them off the to-write list. I'd say add more to it and make it more alive. I think you're thinking too much about the waiting for sex part. Don't, because you've already established that Randi is going to seduce the younger brother with the opening paragraph. Let the reader wait for and anticipate the sex. 1000 words or 600 words is nothing really to wait for sex if what you're writing is interesting too.

2. Once the protag and her brother finally “get it on” is the sex scene worth the wait or was the backstory more stimulating?

Already told you about the backstory. The sex scene is good. But, its just too convenient, too easily done. It's like - here, I've given you the backstory, and now it's the time for sex. She comes in, raises her hands and her t-shirt and he looks at her pussy and wham! Perhaps you can draw out the attempts of Randi to seduce Jim earlier - in the terrycloth robe, etc. Give details, get us in the mood.

"Still, all signs seemed to point to her kid brother having the hots for her."
What signs? I'd like to know. This could also lead to Randi planning the seduction. Otherwise I'm questioning how can she be very sure that Jim will go for it.

"The shorts sailed across the room and landed with a damp, plop."
Isn't the damp plop too much? Or is it just me? Okay, they might be wet all through but to land with a damp plop, they'd have to be sopping wet and that requires a whole lot of liquid.

3. Are the two characters, especially the protag, believable and interesting? I’ve never “done” a slut character before. What I’m trying to do with this one is make her a smart, fairly self-actualized person who enjoys sex, thinks she understands why, and isn’t interested in personal commitments.

I wouldn't say that the protag is actually a slut. I actually like her and are you supposed to like sluts?
The smart, self-actualised person is spot on. She knows how she ticks and what makes her go and it's apparent in the text.

I'd like to know more about the brother. Jim is too neglected. The story totally conentrates on Randi and excludes Jim, his motivations, his thoughts, anything about him. Just a glimpse of Jim would be good.

4. Overall, do you think the average Lit reader would finish the chapter and then start on chapter two? If not, why?

Well, I don't know about the average Lit reader. I would think that you need something more than the subtle clues throughout the story. Maybe a good hook at the end. The average Lit reader is too lazy to look for things which are not exactly presented to him. Actually, so am I. Give us something to look forward to.



Just my thoughts as I read through the story. Hope they help.

 

[Green_Gem]

This is my first time on this forum and I hope I don’t make a complete idiot of myself, but here goes with my comments:


1. "This is a 3300-word chapter. The hands-on “good” stuff doesn’t start for 1000 words and it’s another 600 words before the protag crawls into bed with her brother. I’ve tried to make those 1600 words interesting, but is there too much back-story and not enough immediate action?"


No there’s not too much back story as such but it wasn’t terribly exciting either. To me it read like an explanation of why Randi found herself back home with her kid brother, and tried to give some insight into the fact that she was basically a highly sexed driven individual. The fact that she was horny was already very much in the readers face, so that much was pretty clear. I understand that mention was made of Craig Dickerson, the last ‘local’ boyfriend because he will come back into the picture at some later stage, but I’m not really sure about the significance of adding the paragraph on the losers and creeps and her first boyfriend.

Still, we got the picture that the siblings would be alone for the weekend and the reason why she was back home from school.


"2. Once the protag and her brother finally “get it on” is the sex scene worth the wait or was the backstory more stimulating?"

Rumple, you write sex scenes well, there’s no doubt about that, and nobody can complain about this one, but prior to the sex happening and also while it was happening, the most vital ingredient or aspect about incest, for me was missing. There was absolutely no evidence of any kind of guilt or conflict or concern or even some sense of taboo. Right from the beginning, Randi was seeing her brother as a piece of meat, (she was horny, everyone else around were losers). Jim was cute, good looking and fuckable, a better alternative to her fingers and vibrator, so she went after him. And, when he didn’t initially ‘respond’ to her advances the idea flitted through her mind briefly that maybe it had to be with the incest taboo -:

”Still, if she was right about Jim being interested in her, then tonight’s failures had nothing to do with looks. The problem had to be the incest taboo. In that case, the first thing she needed was his undivided attention. After that, getting him to see her not just as his sister but as an available and very willing female should be a snap.” (This paragraph really didn’t work for me. It felt like a quick way of mentioning/ acknowledging the whole taboo/incest thing and just getting it out of the way as fast as possible).


Moving along, after she does her tee shirt/hair seduction, his response is immediate and it’s full blown fantastic sex from there. In my opinion, and please understand, it is only my opinion, that’s the problem with most incest stories that get submitted here. Of course the readers know that there is going to be “forbidden” sex in the incest category, but writers tend to rush to it very quickly and when it happens, then it essentially becomes a story about any two horny people fucking, but they throw in the odd reference to the family member just to keep it ‘incest related.’


Unfortunately, this is where the story fell down for me, and if you are asking if I would read further chapters after this, my answer would definitely be ‘no,’ because it’s probably just going to be variations of sex, perhaps with a few other people thrown in, like I can read in any group sex story.


To answer the question about the protag and her brother being interesting people and the whole ‘slut’ aspect; Randi didn’t strike me as a slut, just as a horny girl, and Jim was simply happy to get the action.


The only advice I can offer, (from my limited foray into incest writing) would be to create more initial tension in this story and not get to the sex quite so quickly and easily. I’d include more show than tell with regard to her horniness to keep readers interested and hanging on, for example, perhaps have her masturbating in the room next door to his with his image flashing through her mind, after she has a shower and before she dries her hair. That way we “ see/feel/experience” her using the vibrator and she may wonder if he can hear the soft buzzing sounds. A few soft moans can escape her lips - this can be deliberate to drive him wild, or she may feel a little embarrassed/guilty when she thinks logically afterwards about the fact that he is her kid brother.

Then with her immediate needs temporarily assuaged ( and the readers’ appetites whet) she can set about teasing/taunting him. I liked the way you gave us some insight into what Randi was thinking about in terms of seducing her brother, the various options. It added some realism to the story.

Perhaps you can also build in some of how Jim is feeling. The story is being written from the third person pov, and I don’t think you’ve taken enough advantage of that. As a reader I had no insight into Jim whatsoever. I had no idea what he was thinking or feeling until the sex started and he mentioned that he hadn’t had any since his break up with his girlfriend. Also there has to be some internal reaction about what his sister is doing, or the fact that he is having sex with his sister.


Frankly, Rumple, your writing is very good. I’ve read some of your work and sent feedback and I do think you have the makings of a good incest story that the average incest reader will enjoy. However since you are wanting to expand it into a longer story with chapters, you will need to add some tension, some elements that keep the readers coming back for more.

While reading it, another possibility dawned on me and while I'm sure you don't want suggestions on how to rewrite/change a story I thought about the possibility of not having their first time be full blown wild sex as you’ve described, but maybe he touches her, massages her and she goes down on him, only to have him come almost immediately. ( At this point, he could have the odd flicker of guilt about his behavior, i.e. Coming quickly and she IS his sister). She is left ‘semi- satisfied’ ( i.e. she got him to notice her, she got to suck him, touch his cock, imagine it inside her) but now she needs to be able to take it to the next step where they do finally get it on ( in the hot scene you wrote ). That type of ending might have readers wanting to come back and read more next time, because now they’re curious to see how it will follow on.


Apologies if I have gone on at length here, and perhaps I’ve been a little too critical, wanting to ‘shape’ a story around the way I might like to write it. I’m not very good at these workshops or offering writing advice, but I hope that there is something of value here that may help.


Green_Gem

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Green Gem & Damppanties,

For a first timer, you gave good crit, Green Gem. I especially liked your idea about their first encounter being only semi-successful.

Damppanties, many thanks for your first-rate insights. I'll see what I can do about "sexing" up the backstory.

Both of you gave me the type of feedback I needed. I'll save your crits, along with those of BT and Pure, for more cogitation. It's always a challenge deciding what to include and what to leave out when writing a first chapter as opposed to a short story. Too much backstory and things drag, not enough and the story becomes flat and uninteresting. I guess that's why they call this writing business a "craft."

Many thanks.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[MLyons]

Hi Rumple,

I thought I'd chime in here. I'm new and don't know shit, but I thought you might appreciate my thoughts anyway.

I've deliberately avoided reading others comments until after I post my own.

I have to admit a little bit of a bias against incest stories up front. I think I can still give some constructive feedback, but I wanted you to know that in case you feel the need to ignore what I say because of it. Incest in certain specific situations can work for me, but by and large it tends to creep me out.

First let me just dive into answering some of your concerns:

1.) To ME, the back story and Randi's thoughts about and execuation of her brothers seduction is the most intersting part of the chapter. Even in an "old fashioned" stroke story, context is still important, and you gave us a good picture of Randi's character, as well as her thought processes, without which the sex in the latter half wouldn't have near the impact or meaning that it has. I think the key to good back story is to keep things moving, say what's important, and at the same time, pepper the reader with enough anticipatory details about character, descriptions or situations that we start to get excited about the sexual prospects to come. I think you did that nicely.

2.) As I said above, I thought the seduction was more interesting than the sex itself. In fact, I think the story in some ways went too far, too fast. Randi having a few very large orgasms, and her brother having super-human staying power just didn't seem to fit with a first time brother-sister fuck and all the possible excitement, anticipation, and even emotional conflict that goes with it. Again, this is probably my incest bias peaking out, so feel free to ignore me, but up to Randi's first orgasm, I was all over it. But for them to continue fucking for a long time after that not only got a little repetitive, the whole situation that you had worked so hard to set up in the first half of the story kind of lost its meaning. That was my take on it anyway. I'm not necessarily interested in subsequent chapters because, there doesn't seem to be a whole lot left emotionally for these two to explore.

3.) I think you did an admirable job on Randi. I believed her character as a sex-loving, intelligent, and self-aware woman, and I could get to like her very easily as a reader as I get to know her better. Excellent characterization there, I thought. However, some of your dialogue bothered me quite a bit, and struck me as just not being believable. Perhaps this was a deliberate choice. Perhaps it was simply a matter of "stroke story dialogue", but it did bother me. For example:

“You and your friend seem to like my hair better up.”

“Well, to be honest, it wasn’t your hair up there that got my, got our, attention. It was the hair down here.”

This is such a quick and dirty way to end the seduction. And it reads more like bad porn dialogue than it does what these two siblings would actually say to one another in this situation, no matter how hot and bothered they are. Not that I'm an expert mind you, but at times the dialogue between them (especially when the sex starts) just took me out of the story, because it seemed more like a staged reading with bad actors than it did a congruent situation with two well developed characters. I don't know if I'm really being fair though. I could be wrong. That was just my reaction.

In terms of Jim, though, his character could use a little more development. It's certainly more difficult to get into Jim's head because you have an over the shoulder point of view with Randi, but until he actually reacts to her seduction, we don't have any idea who Jim is, and even then, it's just not enough. Perhaps the dialogue between them WOULD work, if I had a better understanding of their non-sex relationship, of how they grew up, what their family's take on sex was, etc. As it is, there's just not much to go on to make that dialogue ring true.

Anyway, I think I've said enough. Given my incest bias, this was a pretty exciting story to me, and I'm definitely interested in getting to know Randi better, and that speaks alot toward your ability at characterization. On the other hand, the best part for me was the seduction, not the sex. Once she came the first time, from my perspective almost all the sexual tension between them was gone, and my interest waned as well.

Again, just one silly guy's opinion. Take it or leave it. I hope it's useful to you.

Now to read what everyone else has said.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

How’d I miss this? I didn’t know Rumple had a story up on the table! I feel negligent.

In truth, though, I think I might have started this before and backed out because it was incest, which isn’t my thing, and I’m sorry to say that this story is a good example of why I don’t like it.

We get all this stuff about Aunt Clara and Dwayne Self (great name, by the way), but not a word about how a girl feels about seducing and fucking her own brother. Not a thought, not a doubt, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Okay, so she’s horny. Is that all that goes into the decision to have sex with your sibling? Like it’s a crime of opportunity? “I was horny and he was there in his boxers and it seemed like a good idea.”

This is what we see in incest stories on Lit, though. The only way we can tell that the two lovers are sibs is because the author tells us so. They don’t particularly act like siblings, either before or during their lovemaking. He doesn’t call her “thunder thighs” or tease her the way brothers do, and she doesn’t reminisce about seeing his little pecker when he was in the tub. They don’t have any of that sense of familiar contempt and intimacy that brother and sisters really have. They don’t seem dismayed or upset or even curious about what they’ve done. It’s all so defused and sanitized.

Tell me the truth: if Rumple hadn't told us outright, is there any way we can tell by the way they act that these people are related?

As for the story, it’s fine, I suppose. Even bland. The big issue, of course, is never mentioned, so there’s really nothing to talk about. Just a guy and a girl having sex, who happen to be brother and sister.

---dr.M.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Doc,

Thanks for showing up. Knowing you and Lying Eyes didn't care for incest stories I made sure to mention the subject and wasn't expecting to hear from either one of you. So thanks for stopping by.

You're right on point about no incest taboo hang-up issues being raised in the prelims. MLyons mentioned the same problem. All I can do is hang my head and beg forgiveness. I was so concerned with keeping the backstory short but making the protag a "real" character, I overlooked the obvious.

Back to the old word processor.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Now that I’ve read the other comments…

I really don’t even see any backstory here, and what there is seems really superfluous. It doesn’t really matter to us why Randi and her brother are in the same house. It’s a common enough occurance between brother and sister, and it’s simply not something that demands any sort of lengthy explanation. Does it make any difference to the story whether Aunt Clara got sick or whether she was just out visiting friends or whether she was abducted by aliens? I don’t think so.

In my opinion, a writer should only provide background when and if it’s essential to understanding the characters or the story. (Okay, and maybe to establish a mood or context.) In this case there’s nothing here that’s essential, so what we have is gratuitous backstory.

I wasn't aware of Randi’s being a slut. I wasn't aware of her being anything other than the stock hot coed. I appreciate what you were trying to do in playing down her looks, but in my own experience, that doesn’t work. (Even if you tell us she’s downright ugly, we’re still going to picture her as beautiful. It seems to be human nature.) Maybe I should go back and reread it, but offhand I don’t recall anything that might have given the impression that she was a slut. She’s sexually active, even casually sexual active, but that doesn’t mean slut to me. A slut is someone who looks at another person and only sees their genitals.

What makes a character interesting to me is some sort of conflict or tension on the inside. Human beings are terribly empathetic creatures. Show us someone’s problems and our empathy antennae start twitching, trying to figure this person out or seeing whether we have something in common. Usually we do, and that’s a great way to hook a reader into a story, by identification with the protagonist. It becomes our story too. Randi (and her bro) seem devoid of any sort of conflict or anything else I can relate to.

I should probably just recuse myself from belaboring the incest angle any more than I already have, but I think there's a problem here that goes beyond my own aversion to the subject, and that's that the main dramatic device in the story is simply drained of all tension. With the taboo of incest defused, the only suspence on the story is will he or won't he, and that's dispatched with in a few lines. After that it's a Loving Couples story.

If I were going to write an incest story, I would sit down and do my best to try and imagine sex with my sister, because that’s the way I write. I spend an awful lot of time trying to imagine myself in my character’s shoes and seeing what it feels like to be there. Then I come back and try and report on it. I’ve learned though, that this kind of thing is apparently not welcome in incest fiction; that readers want their incest sanitized. Personally, I think it’s a cop-out. If you want to go horse-back riding, then you want more than just riding in a car with “Horse” painted on the side. You want the full horse experience.

Are they believable? No. For the reasons just stated. Am I interested in them? Again no. There’s just nothing interesting there, nothing I can relate to as human. Would the average Lit reader keep reading? I don’t know. Probably. I really can’t say.

---dr.M.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Doc,

You're comments might be on target IF this was a short story. But it's just the first chapter of a novella, not a short story. What's more, while incest is one of the sexual aspects of the plot and the one featured in this chapter, this isn't an incest story.

Neither is this the biography of a slut. It's about the protag, her lifestryle and the choices she must make. I didn't create her to be a perfect match for some reader's definition of "slut." (although what constitues a "slut" might be an interesting, writer related, question for the AH)

Why is Aunt Clara mentioned--check back later. All cannot be revealed at the moment it's mentioned or even in the same chapter. That's just one example of how the demands of longer format fiction differ from those of short stories.

None of that is meant to be a chest-thimping declaration that I handled all those aspects well. I didn't. But maybe I'll get better, by and by.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

This is a two-for-one post.

First of all, thanks again for all the help on this story. Complete with revisions suggested on this board, it was posted a couple of days ago. As is often the case with Incest category stories, the initial numbers look impressive; something like 240 votes, 31000 views and a shaky, H.

Y'all did good work.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[A7inchPhildo]

First off I like the title, and I have no problem writing or reading the topic. In fact my highest rated stories are of incest. Might I add, ch1 is not always a good place for sexual intercourse. Someplace about word 9,000 seems to be the most appropriate area if led up to properly.

I do not like Randi Druitt for a girls name. Yeah she might be randi, but it hits me like a boys name every time.
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Rumple can I ask, What the hell is this suppose to mean in the first paragraph?
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In the past, it’d made her proud to have such a hunk for a brother. But that was before she’d come back to Jackson Junction.
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I just don't get it, the girl is no longer proud to have such a hunk for a brother. Then it is followed with: "Now, looking at Jim laying on his back with nothing on but his boxers made her feel horny as hell"
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While I am here, is "it'd" even a word? I am not a fan of funny contractions.
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Is there a reason at the begining we are introduced to so many silly names. Whom seem to have no story purpose. Craig Dickerson, Dwayne Self couldn't they just be normal names?
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I am not going to say no Rumple No way! But you can know I am thinking it. The story starts long just as any good incest story should. Good explaining of events and set up for why the incest should come about. You have a good reason to place them alone, I applaud you for that. You go into a painstakenly good tease on the way Jim does not notice her advances. Then you have a feasable way to get Jims attention. Again very creative method with the t-shirt hair bit.

Now at this point you know as a man. No cock rises to atention 3, 2, 1 Go! and it is hard flapping in the wind.
Ok I can buy the fact it rose fast. Whatever!

But in an instant Bother and sister are so comfy with his naked cock they talk casual about his bonner. And to top it off now Jim is stroking her.

Just my opinion, but you just killed the story. Where was the tease? Where was the build up? The "Oh my God" factor? The doubtful thoughts?

Basically you led up to; and they fucked happily ever after, the end! There is no more suspense to be had, why bother writing chapter two?

Yup I just back clicked out of the story, the unreal factor level just broke the meeter. This turned into another coupling sex story with a brother, sister to add spice to it. Damn and it had such promise to it. Only to be snatched away by the hurry up we gottta give the reader sex thought.
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The sex scene was very good and more or less what I expected. I am not going to lie to you, it comes off more as what a man would notice, more so than what a woman would feel and write.
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1. This is a 3300-word chapter. The hands-on “good” stuff doesn’t start for 1000 words and it’s another 600 words before the protag crawls into bed with her brother. I’ve tried to make those 1600 words interesting, but is there too much back-story and not enough immediate action?
----------------
No there is not enough back story, certainly you could add more sexual tease to make it interesting and more evident of attractions by both. The basics are all there, but where is the reality now? You know the, "He looks at her, she at him. They do the mating dance ritual, then stop for a reality check. They move ahead cautiously, feeling the tender ground out before leaping into bed.
~~~~~~~~~~~
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2. Once the protag and her brother finally “get it on” is the sex scene worth the wait or was the backstory more stimulating?
-----------------
Honestly the sex scene was crushed. It melted along with the hopes of a real story. Yeah they had sex no big deal, so do monkeys.

The scenes themselves were cool, it just no longer had the potency of what was expected.
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3. Are the two characters, especially the protag, believable and interesting? I’ve never “done” a slut character before. What I’m trying to do with this one is make her a smart, fairly self-actualized person who enjoys sex, thinks she understands why, and isn’t interested in personal commitments.
----------------
I mentioned above. She does not strike me as very feminine. She does not bounce, play with her hair, twirl, twist her face, notice smells, ouch as she brushes her hair. She don't even put on the make up with care and compassion at seducing her prey. Beating a dead horse and her name is RANDY? with an i
-----------
Quote
With her legs spread-eagled, Randi could feel his big cockhead hurtling deeper and deeper until just as their bodies met, it hammered against her cervix. The pain wasn’t unbearable, but it wasn’t fun. “Oh, shit. Not so deep, Jim. Please.”

All movement stopped. He looked surprised, concerned, maybe even embarrassed. With great care he lowered her legs. “Sorry, Randi. I mean, I wasn’t trying to hurt you or anything. That was just something I’d read about and though it’d be fun.”

“It didn’t hurt that much, honest. You’re just mucho man, especially with me in that position. I could have taken it. But I might have been sore...
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This was how she was portrayed as a female. I don't know, but it seems to me that is not what a female would think, want, or feel.

It is a good thing she has a pussy or this tom boy would be a good case for a light male.
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4. Overall, do you think the average Lit reader would finish the chapter and then start on chapter two? If not, why?
----------------
The average Lit reader might read chapter two.
The Lit reader that reads incest would not finish chapter one. This is an erotic coupling story not incest.

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I guess I am really harsh in my thoughts as I read along. Sorry if this sounds offensive in any way. I have read some really good stories from the Rubbish. This is not a good addition in my opinion.

The story has great promise and could be easily adjusted, especially in the case of a Novella. Slow down the story, this is not a wack and pack tail. If you plan on giving it some length, then tease your readers minds. Your local neighborhood incest reader knows how they fuck!
They want to know how they got to the point of fucking, and then what happened after they did finally fuck. The fuck is only there for a point of reference.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Phil,

I appreciate the time and trouble you took giving me your thoughts on my story. While it has already been posted, you've given me some things to ruminate over while grinding out later chapters.

==

PHIL: Rumple can I ask, What the hell is this suppose to mean in the first paragraph?
-------
In the past, it’d made her proud to have such a hunk for a brother. But that was before she’d come back to Jackson Junction.
-------
I just don't get it, the girl is no longer proud to have such a hunk for a brother. Then it is followed with: "Now, looking at Jim laying on his back with nothing on but his boxers made her feel horny as hell"

RUMPLE: No one else mentioned any problems with that paragraph, but I can see where the wording might confuse some folks. "Now" at the beginning of sentence three refers to the first sentence.

INTERPRETATION: In the past, she'd felt only sisterly pride in having such a good-looking kid brother. Since moving back home, however, her primary feeling toward him had become carnal.

==

PHIL: While I am here, is "it'd" even a word? I am not a fan of funny contractions.

RUMPLE: Yep. Check your favorite dictionary. "It'd" is a common contraction for either "it would" or "it had."

==

PHIL: Is there a reason at the begining we are introduced to so many silly names. Whom seem to have no story purpose. Craig Dickerson, Dwayne Self couldn't they just be normal names?

RUMPLE: I suppose silly, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Craig Dickerson is a re-combination of Craig James and Eric Dickerson. If you're into US football, you may remember the two SMU and NFL running backs. Craig sounded like a hero's name while Dickerson struck me as perfect for a porn story.

To me, Dwayne had a low-class, country sound while Self was meant to suggest he's a self-centered jerk.

==

I'm sorry the seduction scene struck you as rushed and unbelievable. While no one else mentioned having a problem with the mechanics, several commented on a lack of incest tension in the original version of the story and that may have had a bearing on your problem with the scene. With that in mind, I'd done some re-writing before submitting the story. Maybe I should have done more.

Thanks again for your input. Your time wasn't wasted, but I do like your idea about dating the titles to new posts.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[A7inchPhildo]

Phil,

I appreciate the time and trouble you took giving me your thoughts on my story. While it has already been posted, you've given me some things to ruminate over while grinding out later chapters.

==

PHIL: Rumple can I ask, What the hell is this suppose to mean in the first paragraph?
-------
In the past, it’d made her proud to have such a hunk for a brother. But that was before she’d come back to Jackson Junction.
-------
I just don't get it, the girl is no longer proud to have such a hunk for a brother. Then it is followed with: "Now, looking at Jim laying on his back with nothing on but his boxers made her feel horny as hell"

RUMPLE: No one else mentioned any problems with that paragraph, but I can see where the wording might confuse some folks. "Now" at the beginning of sentence three refers to the first sentence.

INTERPRETATION: In the past, she'd felt only sisterly pride in having such a good-looking kid brother. Since moving back home, however, her primary feeling toward him had become carnal.
Yeah I could get the jist of the thought, but it really perplexed my simple mind. I read it and re read it, then read it again. Taking a moment to decifer it, by then it made no sense to me any more. I should have stayed with my first impression, just knowing it was an incest tale was throwing me in that direction. Still it struck me odd.
==

PHIL: While I am here, is "it'd" even a word? I am not a fan of funny contractions.

RUMPLE: Yep. Check your favorite dictionary. "It'd" is a common contraction for either "it would" or "it had."
Ok if you say so, but neither my 50, 000,000 word dictionary, nor the Merriam Webster's Collegiate text Dictionary credit "it'd" as a word, as a contraction or a tmesis. Perhaps this is a UK expression?

I am more or less just busting your balls, I have read the "it'd" thigy before. It'd just ain't a very goodly word to maketeth smoothing scentences with. LOL that is because "it'd" is not in my vocaubulary to use as day to day speach. From Boston "it'd" would be pronounced as "id". Still if written it down it would be It had.
==

PHIL: Is there a reason at the begining we are introduced to so many silly names. Whom seem to have no story purpose. Craig Dickerson, Dwayne Self couldn't they just be normal names?

RUMPLE: I suppose silly, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Craig Dickerson is a re-combination of Craig James and Eric Dickerson. If you're into US football, you may remember the two SMU and NFL running backs. Craig sounded like a hero's name while Dickerson struck me as perfect for a porn story.
Ok say no more! Football and Phil don't mix.
To me, Dwayne had a low-class, country sound while Self was meant to suggest he's a self-centered jerk.
Yes I understood that part quite..., well, too obvious for reality sake. That is why I mentioned it. To me it was as bad as using a blonde with 44 DD and perfect perfect.

To me, I take time and place characters with names appropriate, fitting yet they will be real. Maybe even out of the phone book real. When I read things like Richard Cranium, Amanda Huginkiss, Phil McCrackin, Dick Butkuss, Richard Hurts, Deb Butantes... I just tend to toss the story into the fake category, That category ranks right up there with fanfic, scat, and beastiality.
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I'm sorry the seduction scene struck you as rushed and unbelievable. While no one else mentioned (Maybe you should go back and re-read the comments, with a different view of what they are saying is missing.) having a problem with the mechanics, several commented on a lack of incest tension in the original version of the story and that may have had a bearing on your problem with the scene. With that in mind, I'd done some re-writing before submitting the story. Maybe I should have done more.
I have read the rewrite as well, slightly better. The real issue is if in real life that quick get to the point sex part could happen. Not that it does happen, but if it could happen. We would all be fucking siblings like animals. Because it sets a precidence for no concious thoughts, no moral thoughts, no overview of the consequences.
From what I have researched and been told. It actually takes more courage and intensity than that of a pick up on a stranger. Cause of the enormous consequences that will follow if one or the other is not in the same state of mind.

Not dissing your story, I felt part one was great and part two was better after I recovered from the ill feelings, about how casual they were about having sex.

It takes me forever to come up with a character, make her/him realistic and normal. Then the majority of the fun of incest is making the reader beg, literally beg for something to happen. Giving the reader all the inside thoughts yet, teetering on a climax moment for ever, some how drives the readers wild with anticipation.

All I know is the hundreds, yes I saved them hundreds of emails per story. Not a single bad feedback either, with equally high number of votes, tells me. The incest reader don't really want sex. They want to know exactly how they came to the point of having sex, and why. Lots of masturbation and voyeur scenes before sex.

Thanks again for your input. Your time wasn't wasted, but I do like your idea about dating the titles to new posts.
I had that thought before, this confusion hit. I didn't want to seem like I was poking Pure in the side. I applaud all the efforts Pure has taken to keep this forum alive. Heck I would even nominate Pure to be the new Monitor of the SDC. After all working with your hands tied is not an easy task, and so far Pure has done fairly well.
Rumple Foreskin

Forskin is always cool with sun glases on!