Grassroots Discussion: MLyons

[MLyons]

Hello all,

Pure asked me to post my own story for discussion, so here'goes:

Cindy: The Professor's Bane Ch. 02

In reality, I'd really like it if everyone read both Chapters 1 and 2. The intent of this story is to be a cohesive whole--not independent chapters. I know that that can be trying for some readers of Lit, and that's part of what I hope to address in this discussion. If you're REALLY feeling ambitious, Chapter 3 has also been submitted (early last week) so I expect that sometime later this week it will be posted. For those who are interested, please don't hesitate to read and comment on it when it is posted as well, as the end of Chapter 3 is intended to be one of the significant emotional events in the story.

I don't want to break the rules though. Read what you want, and then comment from your gut. Just know that Chapter 2 is not meant to stand alone.

I'm interested in ALL thoughts. There are most certainly problems with the story that I haven't thought of, and I'd hate to miss out on discvering them because I confined this discussion to my own questions. Given that, here are some things to consider:

1.) If I had attempted to write "Cindy" in one chapter, I would have ended up with 15 Lit. pages of story, and I didn't want to lay that down all at once for the reader. I also liked the serial possibilities of cliffhanging one chapter into the next. I'm curious as to whether you, as discerning readers, think I've successfully negotiated the balancing act required to give 'em the good stuff, while holding back enough to keep them coming back for more. There's a definite flow of events in "Cindy", and there will definitely be an ending, probably within another two or three chapters, so I don't plan on going on indefinitely. I just wonder if what I'm writing NOW gives people that sense to "hang in there, cuz this is building to go somewhere...", or if I'm totally screwing that up.

2.) What do you think of the ending of Ch. 02? Is it a suitable "cliffhanger" as it were, or should I have finished out the thought and let the professor have an orgasm for a sense of completion? Would you be interested in following the story further?

3.) What do you think of the balance between sexual action and characterization / plot development? Is there enough of both? Too much of one? Too much "tell", not enough "show"?

4.) What do you think of the "believability" aspects of the story? Is the story plausible, even if it might not be likely? Was it true to it's own rules enough for you to willingly suspend disbelief?

5.) Does my use of strong language, or modifiers bother you within the context of the story? Why or why not?

6.) Overall, I've already gotten some fantastic assistance and early feedback on Chapter 3, so I think it will be a better chapter. I'm interested in what you all think I can improve on for future chapters in terms of my story-telling and writing skills.

Thanks in advance for your generous attention to my verbose intro, and my silly story. It, and the characters within it are dear to my heart.

Mike

 

[MLyons]

Damn!

Well, for those who are interested, Chapter 3 has been approved, but for some reason the formatting is all screwed up with missing paragraph breaks (I don't understand it, the preview looked fine...). Anyway, I've resubmitted an edit to fix that, but it'll take forever for it to get posted. I don't want to break rules, but if anyone is interested in reading Chapter 3 with proper formatting, I can either post it here or PM it.

Damn.

 

[Pure]

iirc, the para breaks have to be double spaced. you might also verify what type of 'return' character is at the end of the paras ('show special characters', that backwards P thing)

 

[MLyons]

Thanks Pure,

I PMed Laurel, and asked her to pull Chapter 3 from the site until the edit can be approved. I'm afraid people are going to be put off by the awful formatting. Damn. I just don't understand why it previewed correctly. ::sigh:: Nothing I can do about it now, I guess.

It doesn't change the topic at hand, however.

 

[Pure]

chapter 1 is at

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=135928

 

[Lying Eyes]

Re: Damn!

Well, for those who are interested, Chapter 3 has been approved, but for some reason the formatting is all screwed up with missing paragraph breaks

This is what just happened to my story! Though my formating problem was paragraph breaks where there should be none. I will take a look at your story later because i'm kind of distressed right now because of my poor story.

 

[TongueTyler]

Thanks for the easy link pure!

 

[MLyons]

Re: Re: Damn!

This is what just happened to my story! Though my formating problem was paragraph breaks where there should be none. I will take a look at your story later because i'm kind of distressed right now because of my poor story.

I hear ya LE. Today was a very hard Lit. day for me. Things are getting a little better, though. The worst was the anonymous. feedback, "Learn about paragraphs." AAARRRRRRGGGHHH.. I KNOW about paragraphs! It was a glitch--a glitch! Very very distressing. I can't blame people though... I wouldn't read my story in that condition either. ::sigh::

 

[herecomestherain]

Okay everybody take some deep breathes, that's it...in through your nose ...out...in...out, shoulders down out of your ears, yup that's right let them fall, go loose...

"These circumstances will change. This situation shall pass."
M.Leunig


It's still shitty though! Here's hoping your formatting woes are swiftly corrected and all will be well at Lit. very soon.

Cheers
'rain

 

[A7inchPhildo]

This is CH1 I have not even started CH2 as of yet.

I don't know I am having a hard time connecting with the way it is written. He He he he he and the narrator knows his feelings. He he he. Truthfully the beginning was too long going no place. He failed some chick, and then pissed her off. Nothing happens.

As I enter the blackmail stage of the story. Can I ask what would a 19 year old flunky knows about embezzlement? You do realize the evidence is no good, because she stole it in the first place?
Second there are no laws about having pictures of legal aged girls having sex. Yet, can I ask if he was in the picture fucking some bitch, in his office no less. Don't you think he would know if there was a picture taken?

The breaking of the man took 400 words to get to this one point.
Quote: “Wait! Wait," Johnson said, "I'm sure we can work something out." He had to hand it to her; he never expected this from someone like Cindy. He also couldn't help but ignore how gorgeous she was, in a very petite and teenage kind of way. She was certainly thinner and less busty than he usually went for, but those bare, slender calves underneath that skirt were mighty enticing, even if she was trying to blackmail him. The thought of this stupid ditz spanking him, though, just made his blood boil.

Now all of a sudden we have a barking Professor! Really this could have had some gusto to begin with. The meek girl is all of a sudden a SM? OK, whatever it is your story, I will just go along with it.
Quote: He didn't know what he'd say. She held all the cards here, and he was the one who had given them to her.
I am wondering, She stole them didn't she? And if I recall he didn't even know about the pictures. How did he give her the cards? Are you referring to the one line where he is suddenly submissive?

Quite a bit just to get him into the dorm room don't you think? Although it has been the most excitement so far. The story has not moved much in 5k words.


Quote: , but also that you embezzled a couple million dollars from the government over the last 10 years. I think a few of those girls were under 18, weren't they Professor?" Cindy said with mock girlish curiosity. Johnson was growing to hate this girl more and more. He simply had to stand there and listen to her.

"I really don't think you want that to happen, and that's what will happen if you don't follow the rules. If you do follow the rules, then all of these troubles will go away. You can retire like you planned, and you'll never be bothered with these nasty threats again. Doesn't that sound nice?" said Cindy, expecting an answer.

You are going to make me puke! Now you tell us she has actual proof of under 18 year old girls. Are we not a little late for the real proof? Next millions of dollars??? Ha ha embezzled millions. He is a professor right? Then to really kick it. How did she know about his retirement?

Cindy's strawberry lip-gloss I am glad I know what her lip gloss smells like. I have almost completed 9k words and So far I know what her lip gloss smells like, the color of her hair, and the supposed reason she has black mail on a Professor/dog.

Highlight of the story ""You're my naughty jerk-squirter, Professor""

On his way home, the otherwise innocuous, even jocular phrase repeatedly kept taunting him--gnawing at his self-esteem, questioning his very identity as a man--"Boy Beater."

His insides were knotted with humiliation. He hated her.

I am glad to see you did not go out of the way with the ending. It was there.

Overall my thoughts are the story Starts way too low pace. It shifts into second only fro a brief moment then I guess the transmission broke. If you can't tell I am not to fond of reading 9374 words and maybe 500 of them were entertaining. I would love to say it was erotic, but other than the professor in the hall way. You skipped every potential for a hot scene there is. There must be a reason, perhaps the story was suppose to just be a long tease?

Non-consent IS a category I read. I can dig the set up even though far fetched. I can really get into the hallway scene. Cut the rest of it, or make it do something.
Here is the problem you jerked the reader for over 9k words. Not a single nipple or penis or vagina. Tongue would have been something. What you gave for erotic was little for a 2k story. The bigger problem is you set up the reader in 15 plus places that could have been spanking material. Then leave it with no detail.

Example the shave scene, Hot Hot hot______________flat line it is done! Why?

No I have not read CH2 yet! That will have to be another night. No promises. The story is a bit much to ask in length. Doubling up here I did not read CH 2 this is only Ch1. Maybe I will be in a better mood tomorrow.

As always I am not here for a popularity contest, you asked? I am giving honest real thoughts of how I felt, reading this story.

On the other side you did write nice. Just a bit too soft, and slow for such a word count.

Below are a few problems and questions I had along the way.


Edited out the comments to make pure happy

 

[MLyons]

Thanks for the comments, A7inchPhildo.

I'll respond to them more fully when I've had a chance to absorb them all.

As a side note, chapter 3's formatting problems have been corrected thanks to Laurel's unending patience. For those of you who manage to make it that far, )) here's a link:

Cindy: The Professor's Bane Ch. 03

 

[Pure]

Hi Phil and others:

Just a couple comments:

Writers do love details, where helpful; thanks Phil, for all the work. At the same time, the other point of postings is that they may be read and readable by others.

Your feedback can be relatively brief, 500-1000 words. Above is about 3000 including quotations.

Tell the writer some things he or she is doing right, besides all the things done wrong. This isn't a call for saccharinity, but balance.

For lists of small errors, try saying "PM/email me for a list of small errors."

It's always possible to say: "Many errors of xxx type." without a list.

Try to stay within an area of real knowledge; do rush into arcane areas without saying, "My guess is that..." :

I find the following punctuation corrections INcorrect, and failing to solve the problem, if any.

{Phil's quote, followed by Phil's suggestion}
~~~~~~~~
. He stared at Cindy as she stared at his cock--her bright, cute face, her large blue eyes, her curly blonde pony tail.
-----
What is a cock--her? Period after "cock" Her bright cute face, her large blue eyes, and her curly blonde pony tail.
~~~~~~
The odd freckle and tiny soft hairs on her thin, and otherwise perfect arms made him wish he could feel her hand as it pumped around his shaft.
---
??? The odd freckle along with the soft tiny hairs on her thin, and otherwise perfect arms. Made him...

=====

 

[MLyons]

Hey Phil,

In reponse to your problems with the premise of the professor's blackmail, I can certainly see where you're coming from. It's not necessarily realistic in the sense of him being able to extort millions from the government through the grant system. Also, in reality, this guy probably wouldn't have made it too far as a university professor in the first place. I'm aware of that, and I suppose it is a bit of a shame that I didn't take the time to create a more plausible set up, but... after all is said and done the blackmail plot was not the point of the story.

In addition, no where in the story does it imply that the Professor would suffer anything more than embarrassment and firing for the pictures of him fucking his students. I never implied that having sex with women of age was an illegal activity. He was trying to avoid embarrassment. Plus it serves another much more IMPORTANT purpose in the story--Cindy's motive. This becomes more clear in later chapters, but I didn't want to give that away too quickly. The REAL power over him came from the embezzlement, which admittedly is sketchy, but it was an excuse for Cindy to have power over him, and explore what I REALLY wanted to explore which was the dynamic between the two characters. How did the pictures get taken? That is a good question, and I have a partial answer for it that was to be revealed later, but I see now that I should have thought the mechanics of that through some more.

I realize chapter one is slow to get started, but alot of it was exposition... setting up the situation and the characters. I felt it was necessary. Perhaps I could have been more economical about it, but the question is how?

The lack of sex was there for a reason. What about the hallway scene did you like? What would you have rather seen that I didn't do there? I didn't want to just start the story off with balls to the walls, no nonesense sex. Yes... it IS tease. That's part of the game that Cindy is playing with him. I was really going for a sense of build-up--not only in the developing story, but also in the sex itself. With the first chapter I wanted to give hints of what's to come, not necessarily give it to you all at once. Perhaps I failed.

Cindy is anything but meek and ditzy. She was playing with him. That said, she still has feelings and emotions of her own. She's a complex character with her own motives, and perhaps I failed to give that impression as well. Subsequent chapters explore this more fully, but by this point, I've already lost you, so that's my failing.

Quote: He didn't know what he'd say. She held all the cards here, and he was the one who had given them to her.
I am wondering, She stole them didn't she? And if I recall he didn't even know about the pictures. How did he give her the cards? Are you referring to the one line where he is suddenly submissive?

Yes, this might solve a bit of my problem. Perhaps he should know about the pictures.

You are going to make me puke! Now you tell us she has actual proof of under 18 year old girls. Are we not a little late for the real proof? Next millions of dollars??? Ha ha embezzled millions. He is a professor right? Then to really kick it. How did she know about his retirement?

Good questions, all. I waffled back and forth on the under-age girls thing. I should have left that alone--as it's not really important to the story. The only important thing is that he had sex with his students. How did she know about his retirement? She's been to his house, explored his safe, etc. I've already conceeded the issue with the embezzlement precept, but again I didn't give any details for a reason: I didn't think they were important.

Highlight of the story ""You're my naughty jerk-squirter, Professor""

For all your thoughts about what I did wrong, I'd really be interested to know WHY this was the highlight of the story...

For your grammatical notes, you had a few legitimate gripes, and Lord knows I'm not perfect. However... alot of them were flat out wrong. For just one example...

~~~~~~~~
Her other leg, bare from the top of her short white sock to the middle of her thigh, wrapped around to the other side of the arm rest.
------
Fragment
~~~~~~~

Nope... that's not a fragment.

~~~~~~~
"Because you've been a naughty boy, Mister Stealing-from-the-Government."
---
Is this a title?
~~~~~~

This, on the other hand, IS a fragment, but since it's in a quote, and people sometimes speak like this, I'm leavin' it alone. Instead you've chosen to criticize Cindy's playful name-calling. It's how she talks... what can I say?

~~~~~~
Johnson's arm wrapped around her waist, his hand still slurping up and down on his dick.
----
fragment
~~~~~~~

Wrong again--that's a complete sentence.

In any case, like I said you have legitimate points in a few places, and I appreciate you pointing them out, but some of your gripes are simply incorrect. Anyway, I don't want this to turn into a grammar-fest. That's not exclusively why I put my story on the chopping block.

Once again, thanks for your comments. You've given me some good things to think about. I'm sorry it wasn't your cup of tea. I consider that my failing.

 

[A7inchPhildo]

MLyons,

First off you are a better sport than I thought you would be.

Next in response to pure. I didn't think of just Pming, that would have been a good alternative. It was late and I was tired. I didn't know we were limited on space. Don't worry it is not like me to approach grammar.

If you notice the quote comment area was not a direct assault. [laughing] I am sorry if it appeared that way. Most, not all, but most were questions. By far I am no person to edit, trust me on that. You did notice the question marks? Still wondering the ones that say fragment next to them. Were not in quotes, I can understand that. Why did MS Office/works pull the others as fragments. I don't get that part. And that is why I end up with fragments in my stories.

The begining was way slow,
The part she was black mailing, was not a hang up for me. The idea she had to reinforce why she was blackmailing, was a hang up.
Still I didn't care why she was blackmailing. I knew she had enough black mail to make him bark. That was good enough for me.
Next was the chapter a tease? It was so close several times, you could have really driven the tease to the extream. That was what was frustrating. Each time the perfect set up for humiliation came in you started a tease then skipped the actual humiliating part or let him off the hook.


""You're my naughty jerk-squirter, Professor""
This quote is the first time in the story I get the sense that she is really in control. She is going to make him do something for her own selfish act, not his.

Even the jerk off scene is cool but who is getting satisfied? If I am not mistaken it is more him. Is he not the one being black mailed? I am still questioning, Cindy would have been better off just taking the A? Other than making him bark in the hall and watching him shave his pubic hair at the speed of light. She has not really gotten anything.

He has gotten it all. I am just thinking I would bark like a dog for some 19 year old chick, and she don't need to black mail me to do it. Where is the non-consent part? Where is the descriptive humiliation? I don't care if he ever pulls his pecker, but tell the stuff he does not want to do and amplify it.
How did he have to shave with her watching?
How did the razor feel?
Who shaved or how did he shave his ass?
Was he hard?
Was there noises at the door?
Did he rinse?
What about the gobs of hair?
How did he get back in the room?
What did he think of his new look?

I don't care if Cindy is making him smell her roomies old sox. Follow through make him do it, and then tell the feelings. Cause and effect.

I can kind of see the power trip in Cindy, I like that part. But the power gets old fast if I can't see the results being completed. Yes some parts are in there. Just not enough to justify over 9k.

"What about the hallway scene did you like?"
I liked the humiliation the desire he did not want to get caught in public. He was begging she had control to make or break his will. The lolly-pop was a nice touch! Saliva he was forced against his will to eat. There again I would like to see an elaboration.
You let him inside eventually understood. But why make him eat the reaminder of the lolly? Wouldn't a good doogy have to eat it off the floor or something? I don't know drink out of the toilet?

He was suppose to be a bad dog, he showed up late. Make him sniff her ass. Make him carry the razor in his mouth. Make him chase a stick until he is sweaty. I don't care what you make him do but he should be doing stuff he does not want to do.

You seem to give feeling to the idea of him being caught in the hall. Place him out there to jerk off like a monkey for her entertainment. Some how I get the feeling she is dominant, but not wanting to be in control. Then I also see he is getting more of what he wants, in a twisted way. None the less he is being satisfied, aroused, and liking each step of the way.

I just thought she would be more agressive in being selfish. This is more like a spouse non-consent where all parties like the humiliation equally or the level of agressive force stops. And then we try something new.

Maybe I will get a better picture after CH 2. Maybe she is wanting a long term relationship?

Well I am off like a pair of pants at a nudest convention to read CH2.

 

[MLyons]

Ahh, fascinating!

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply Phil! Now we're getting somewhere!

I now understand what you're saying about the control aspects, and the issue of non-consent. This was not so much a non-consent story as it is a ... turn-the-tables story, and although that's not entirely clear in the first chapter, I thought the seeds were planted. Perhaps alot of this is an issue of expectations for the category it's in. What makes the professor reluctant to participate in these acts is his personality. He's not accustomed to submitting. He's used to being in a position of power, and what humiliates HIM might not humiliate other, more open minded and sexually adventurous men. That is why Cindy didn't take things so far as to make him eat a lollypop out of the toilet, or making him have to deal with the globs of hair in the bathtub after having to shave. She's not so much in it to destroy his spirit, but more to simply turn the tables on him.

You'll have to take my word, that I am totally capable of going whole-hog on the humiliation, degredation thing. I've written true non-consent stories for my own beneift that might curl the people on Lit's hair. But my attempt in this story was to explore something more subtle, more dynamic. Yes, he IS getting satisfied in a way, but not the way HE wants to, and that's the point. That's the very source of his humiliation--that through submission to this girl, he is perhaps gaining more dividends sexually than he ever had while he was in control. The first chapter is only a modest beginning to this.

The reasoning behind everything Cindy does is ultimately for MUTUAL benefit. Whether it's believable that a girl like Cindy is truly capable of this is something of a major question, I know. That was part of the challenge of writing the story. The other thing I enjoy, more than anything, is exploring that boundry on the professor's end between arousal and debasement--a sort of hard-on THROUGH humiliation, and taking his punishments too far would have destroyed that house of cards for most readers I thought.

On the OTHER hand... you have some really great suggestions! The sniff her ass thing... the jerk off in the hallway thing. Excellent stuff. I think the subsequent chapters MIGHT be better, but... then again you might be just as frustrated. Like I say, I'm all for the hardcore, crazy stuff, but I wanted to keep my eye on the ball in terms of Cindy's purpose, which was not to grind him in to dust, but rather to test him--to give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he reacted.

All that said, I really don't want to come off as defensive. If all this didn't come across in the story itself, that's my fault, but once again, Chapter 1 is only Chapter 1. There's more, and some of this becomes more obvious as things move ahead. The question is, was it interesting enough for you to want to move ahead. I assume your answer is no, and that's good to know. Clearly I need to work on it. Thanks again for your fantastic reactions, especially in your second post. Very interesting and insightful.

 

[MLyons]

Oh, and as I remember, she never makes him bark. Panting, yes, but he never barks.

 

[A7inchPhildo]

"Oh, and as I remember, she never makes him bark. Panting, yes, but he never barks.
----
I would pant, bark, and meow all at the same time. Better?
_______________________________________________

CH2 My humble thoughts
~~~~~~~~~~~

He'd made her shave before she came over this time, not only her legs, but her pussy too. When he could get them to do it, he liked his girls bare and smooth.
-----

It started out he was in control?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok what was up with the begining? Who is Sarah, why now? How does that tie Ch 1 with Ch2?
----
It was nothing at all like CH1. Actually it was rather good just really confusing. I was expecting to come into the story where it left off. Not in the middle of a recollection or fantasy.

Then into a box for a second. Then another recollection of last night? I am not too keen on trying to follow what place in time we are at now. I am still trying to find out who Sarah is, and what did she have to do with Cindy? Was he just screwing another chick for fun in between?
-----

Now we go back to a whole lesson on Sarah? What gives? Couldn't you have told us this before so we could have enjoyed Sarah not wondering what happened to Cindy?

Thankfully it was a dream, and now we can get on with the story.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Johnson immediately felt his heart racing in panic. He had forgotten to lube his dick for her. He hesitated, knowing that he was probably going to be "punished" for it.
---
Nice set up
----
"Johnson reached up and grabbed the chain around his neck.
----
How did he forget if he had a silly bottle around his neck? Just wondering.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Yes. . ." he whispered. He couldn't help it. It was true, but how the hell did Cindy know this? Who the hell was this girl?

As I pass this area I can't help but thinking you are eventually going to explain all of this? Otherwise stop reminding me. I am trying to just accept it happened
~~~~~~~~~
Now the next scene up to the going to look at the present. That is Hot, completely different from CH1. That was a tease, even though it still was lacking non consent. It fit nicely, and was complete. Good detail, great conversing, very feasable.
~~~~~~~~
Question one;
Very little doubt it is too much for one post. After the Sarah issue Ch 2 was wicked cool. Nothing like CH1. I am starting to think CH1 you were in a hurry to get to Ch2.
Maybe it is just me, but I really think Ch1 hinders readers from wanting to read Ch2. Well at least 75% of the begining of CH1 made me bored out of my mind. Ch2 was interesting, different,sexy. I am still getting the feeling Cindy is trying to play house with the professor, more than just making him feel uncomfortable.

Question two;
I don't know if I would really say cliffhanger. It did make me scroll in question as to where is the next paragraph. Cliffhanger really should leave me guessing. I can safely gather he is going to have to have sex with the doll. More of a cliffhanger would have been to bring me to the point the box is opened and not tell me what is in it.

Question three;
Ouch! CH2 is so much different than Ch1. I would believe a different author wrote it. After we are past the Sarah story and moving past the dream. The story just strolled so nice. I wasn't really taking notes at that point of wether or not sex had more time or plot development did. So I guess for me it was proportional. Maybe it dwelled more on sex. But for once I could get a better picture of Cindy's intentions.

Question four;
I have a few doubts. Nothing out of line but sincere questions. How did she obtain the information? You seem to keep making me wonder. I can see a place that is open for a logical solution. She could be friends or related to his secratary.

Another question of reality. Yes she has dady's money. She drives a modest car. Do you know the cost of a life like sex doll? Obviously if it is crated, and shipped it is not a blow up pal. We are talking about a freshman. So far she has spent a lot of money, fine if she is rich. But then why a modest car?

Question five;
Some of them stick out hard like you have just done a finger search in the dictionary, and worked the sentence to accept the word. For the most part it is always entertaining to see different descriptive words. If nothing else they are not wacko in the sense they need to be looked up for definition. But they certainly call attention, and make thought of the intended use.

Question six;
Are you sure?

Ch 2 was much more interesting, and pleasing to read. Maybe some more questions will be answered in Ch3?
Reading your post.
"The question is, was it interesting enough for you to want to move ahead. I assume your answer is no, and that's good to know. Clearly I need to work on it. Thanks again for your fantastic reactions, especially in your second post. Very interesting and insightful.

Never assume! [<--remembering an old Benny Hill scene] If I came here and praised your story. I would be doing nothing for you, except stating the obvious of what you already think or should think. After all you wrote it, and then posted it. If I thought you were a Lazy Puppy like Mr. McBarker, I would not have wasted my time irritating you to see my points. Even Mr. Magoo could see that.

Do you know why the vote scale only goes up to 5? It is because there is no such thing as a 10 here at Lit. If you score a 4.9+ your story belongs other places. So don't feel special, every story has room for improvement. The bigger the story the more places for mistakes. The better you are the more fun it is to point them out.

One more comment for tonight,
I am not sure though why you post.

"This is a first draft, and I expect as I write subsequent chapters, I will also make changes to this one in the interest of character development, etc.

This is like telling the reader I know it is not finished, but deal with it. I am too lazy to finish it before posting. And when I am ready to change it, be prepared you might have to re-read this chapter to understand where the story is going in the future.

Not only that it pretty much tells me there is a good chance this story may never see the end. If you are not taking the time now to have a complete edited story to your outline. You probaly don't have an outline. Big signs flash "caution when the author becomes bored he will stop writing the story."

I hope you are having fun I know I am.

Catch you tomorrow,

Phildo

 

[MLyons]

These were rough drafts because I hadn't written the entire story. I posted them not with the knowledge that they needed extensive editing help, but because I wanted to get reactions before I posted the next chapter. I suppose I could have left the comment about it being a rough draft off. Maybe that was a rookie mistake, but I put that comment in because I intended to edit the story later to better fit with how the overall story developed. Comments like yours, Phil, are going to help me the MOST in figuring out what areas I need to concentrate on in my edits.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok what was up with the begining? Who is Sarah, why now? How does that tie Ch 1 with Ch2?

Ah... this has to do with some of the boring stuff in CH. 1 that you either skimmed over or didn't remember. I do realize, and have realized after writing chapter two, that I needed to play up Sarah a tad more than I did in chapter one. However, other readers got the allusion to Sarah right away, so I thought I'd given people enough to go on. Perhaps I didn't.

Now we go back to a whole lesson on Sarah? What gives? Couldn't you have told us this before so we could have enjoyed Sarah not wondering what happened to Cindy?

As I said, I did mention Sarah in Chapter 1--apparently not enough, however.

"Johnson reached up and grabbed the chain around his neck.
----
How did he forget if he had a silly bottle around his neck? Just wondering.

Excellent point. I should have had him put it down somewhere and had to go get it when she called him on not lubing up. That's definitely an edit I'll work in.

~~~~~~~~~~~
"Yes. . ." he whispered. He couldn't help it. It was true, but how the hell did Cindy know this? Who the hell was this girl?

As I pass this area I can't help but thinking you are eventually going to explain all of this? Otherwise stop reminding me. I am trying to just accept it happened
~~~~~~~~~

Yeah. I know. This is one of those sketchy things that I have an idea for, but not quite sure will pan out correctly. I put in the promise of explanation because I didn't want the reader to yell at me for making things too outlandish.

Question one;
Very little doubt it is too much for one post. After the Sarah issue Ch 2 was wicked cool. Nothing like CH1. I am starting to think CH1 you were in a hurry to get to Ch2.

Perhaps. Although more like in a hurry to get to Chapter 3. I do see now how Chapter 1 could be tightened a bit. I'd love to see what others say about it as well. This has been immensely helpful so far.

Maybe it is just me, but I really think Ch1 hinders readers from wanting to read Ch2. Well at least 75% of the begining of CH1 made me bored out of my mind. Ch2 was interesting, different,sexy. I am still getting the feeling Cindy is trying to play house with the professor, more than just making him feel uncomfortable.

Play house? No... lead him on? Yes.

Question two;
I don't know if I would really say cliffhanger. It did make me scroll in question as to where is the next paragraph. Cliffhanger really should leave me guessing. I can safely gather he is going to have to have sex with the doll. More of a cliffhanger would have been to bring me to the point the box is opened and not tell me what is in it.

Interesting. I was thinking more along the lines of revealing the surprise while letting the reader imagine what Cindy might make him do with it. It gives kind of a pay-off, while firing up the imagination of what happens next.

Question three;
Ouch! CH2 is so much different than Ch1. I would believe a different author wrote it. After we are past the Sarah story and moving past the dream. The story just strolled so nice. I wasn't really taking notes at that point of wether or not sex had more time or plot development did. So I guess for me it was proportional. Maybe it dwelled more on sex. But for once I could get a better picture of Cindy's intentions.

Nope... same author. I do concede that Sarah's scene reads TO ME more like plot development than it does anything... sexual, even though it's extremely sexual. That is related to the problem of not knowing Sarah well enough before we see her fuck. So you definitely have a legitimate complaint there. I'm not exactly sure how to solve it.

Question four;
I have a few doubts. Nothing out of line but sincere questions. How did she obtain the information? You seem to keep making me wonder. I can see a place that is open for a logical solution. She could be friends or related to his secratary.

There is an explanation, and that isn't it. I think it's good that you're wondering. And it's good that you haven't quite figured it out yet.

Another question of reality. Yes she has dady's money. She drives a modest car. Do you know the cost of a life like sex doll? Obviously if it is crated, and shipped it is not a blow up pal. We are talking about a freshman. So far she has spent a lot of money, fine if she is rich. But then why a modest car?

A Realdoll costs along the lines of $7000 or so. I've done extensive research. Yes, you are correct. The modest car was a thought bubble that popped at the time, but doesn't seem to be panning out. I might nix it. It has to do with Cindy's history. It was just me trying to flesh out her character. The car bit might be deleted in the edit.

Question five;
Some of them stick out hard like you have just done a finger search in the dictionary, and worked the sentence to accept the word. For the most part it is always entertaining to see different descriptive words. If nothing else they are not wacko in the sense they need to be looked up for definition. But they certainly call attention, and make thought of the intended use.

Yes. I can be notorious for using words in unconventional ways. Some people hate it. Some like it. I just find it interesting and it's been part of my writing style since I started writing. American English is such a cool language...

Question six;
Are you sure?

No, I'm not...

Thanks again for all the time you've spent with your comments. They are much appreciated.

 

[Pure]

Hi ML,
I gave chs 1 and 2 a quick read, and it goes down pretty smooth. There's definitely a hot moment at times. I've no doubt you've snagged most or all of your intended audience, so I feel a little silly being critical.

It's over-the-top, in-your-face porn, written as purple as they come. ("Descriptive" is the word the adjective folks like to apply to their writing.) Because of that it becomes a kind of 'guilty pleasure', like getting a hardon from a Pam Anderson pic.


"Yeah, you fucking whore! You little grade-whore." He was lost in his own world now, fucking the slut hard as he pinned her arms and legs wide to either side. Her ample, smooth tits bounced tightly with her blouse partially unbuttoned and stretched below them. Her tight miniskirt had long abandoned its original function, now simply a thin wisp of material draped under her belly button. Finally her calves were now worthless stems as they pointed upward, the stiletto slut-pumps he made her wear shaking and jerking with each monstrous thrust of his rock-hard prick. At this moment, to him she was nothing more than his personal girl-doll, a pliable, willing piece of living cunt-meat that he was going to use as a sperm receptacle.

"Slut!" his hoarse voice grunted abruptly. Drool escaped his lips and snaked down to land in a pool on her perspiring stomach, his dark fantasies of control once again becoming reality as he could feel his orgasm looming. He jerked his rod into the girl's sopping pussy, and finally felt pure, selfish, sublime pleasure as his first squirt of man-seed pumped into her slick twat. "God, yes!" He continued pinning her young, used body against the leather couch as his thick pole rutted into her, coating the insides of her pussy with his goopy white semen like she was his personal undergraduate cum-container.

Well, it's all there, the 'sopping pussy', the 'goopy white semen', the routine metaphors 'thick pole.' "Cum container" is over the top, and will definitely get wood for you in the young male crowd, esp. those with a tinge of sadism.
It's too straightforward to 'do it' for yours truly, however.



----
"Yes," she finally said quietly, defeated. She looked at the glass, his thick, sticky, dollops of spunk clung to the side of it, along with a slimy mixture of cum and pussy juice pooling on the bottom. She wore an expression of fatigued worry, and disgust, but finally it transformed into a half-smile as she turned to him. "Yes, Professor," she repeated more brightly this time, obviously trying to get back into character.

"Good girl! Now, eat that sperm, baby." He loved the thought of his man-spunk floating around in his young student's tummy while she went out on the town, celebrating the last day of classes with her boyfriend tonight. Her boyfriend would be getting seriously sloppy seconds, of course, but he'd also be the one to benefit most from her "education".

She finally brought the glass up to her lips, slowly. She tried to smile at him as she shakily tilted the glass toward her waiting mouth.

"Good girl," he repeated.

He could hear her shallow, unsteady breathing as he saw the thick liquid slithering down the side of the glass. He imagined her excitement and humiliation, her breath echoing against the walls of the glass as she allowed herself to be forced to drink his jism. She poured it past her smeared red lips and onto her tongue, pooling into a clear-white mass that immediately started slipping down the back of her tongue and into her throat.

"Now, swallow your Professor's seed you little girl, sperm-slurper." He ordered her. "Come on, now, give me a nice thank you smile, baby!"

The exposed, messy, and spent young girl finally closed her mouth and gulped it all down at once. She clearly labored not to immediately gag it back up, and tried to smile as best she could through the process. As soon as she gulped down her goopy sperm-meal, she started coughing.

He laughed, but couldn't help but feel a little sorry for his young student. Not sorry enough, though, that he wouldn't make her lick out the stubborn, salty globules that remained clinging to the walls of the glass before he'd let her leave. He relished the idea of his sperm slithering down "daddy's little girl"'s throat and into her young tummy.

She coughed once more and glared at him with a look of defeated humiliation.

"Doesn't that taste good?" he ridiculed her.


This shows good imagination, definitely arousing, but the writing pushes the literate reader a little far, what with the 'stubborn salty globules' and the 'young tummy.'

----

"Good boy," Cindy whispered as she took another step toward him, and then brought her knee up on the couch beside his leg. She lifted her thin arms up and wrapped her light hands around his shoulders. Her other knee rested on the other side of him, and there she was, straddling his lap, her tiny mini-skirt dangling over top of his loose jock shorts as she brought her tight spandex covered tits tantalizingly close to his mouth.

"God, you like sluts, don't you Professor." She whispered lightly as her thin, petite body writhed over top of him. He felt the sheer green top tickle his nose as he stared through it at her perky mounds; dangling just above them was her necklace, the word "skank" jingling lightly into his consciousness and further feeding his filthy mind. Her fruity fragrance wafted into his nose, and he sat there stone still, fearful of making a wrong move, allowing his young student to play with him any way she wanted. "Do you like to dress your students up and fuck them like whores, Professor?" she whispered into his ear.
[...]
"Yeah, this is what you want, isn't it?" Cindy goaded as her hands peeled back her miniskirt so that it rested above her hips, her bare cunt, and supple inner thighs only about a foot from Johnson's drooling lips. She brought her hand down to touch herself. "Yeah, you want me to be your slut, Professor?" her eyes looked up from her pussy, staring into his. "You want to stick your meat pole right in here and slut-fuck me?" She stuffed her finger into her bare hole, "I know you like me, you filthy old man." She smiled as she pulled her finger back out of her tight cunt--it was slick with her pussy juice. She held her wet finger in front of his mouth. "Open up Professor. Show me how much you like me."

This illustrates one of my main probs with the story, aside from the writing.
In one of your statements (quoted and further commented on, below), you talk of 'mutual pleasure.' In short, 1) he's getting off a great deal; and 2) she's more an entertainer, than degrader of men.

Some men pay for this, after all. Up to and including the 'forced masturbation.'

So it flies as fantasy, in that you insure the males get off. You double and triple insure it by regaling us with the 'tight cunt' and 'supple inner thighs' and all the sex scents. It's what you might call, an 'fun degradation' story, which gets to the point, but has no contact with reality.

It's utterly unconvincing that she 'has it in for him', that she's angered over his fucking students, etc. You should have a sign up sheet at the end, saying, "Would YOU like a visit from Cindy? $500 deposit will insure you're on the list!"

Only in the 'as porn' category, does it make sense to comment. What's stopping this piece from getting to Penthouse Variations? Well, the basic writing quality.
While often hot, it's too frequently lazy, esp. in adjectives.

Even in 'over the top', there has to be a sense of 'enough'. You do not prune, you only embellish.

The imagination is fine, and the sense of 'story line,' though it's complicated at times. (It's going to be one of those series with diversions with how Cindy's little sister Tammy lost it after the prom, and running through each of the profs 49 previous conquests, an amazing assortment of perky tits and supple thighs).

The other thing is that it's a little misleadingly packaged, since it's 'fun sm' ('fun degradation.') Your hard SM folks might be disappointed. Probably, however that should not be a main concern.

There is a nice little story of SM blackmail that you might look at, if you want an example of professional quality craftsmanship.
"A Slave to Politics" by speechmaster.

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=31069

Listen. Invite me to your book launch. Save me some champagne. And bring Cindy. My pleasure here definitely deserves her 'punishment.'

J.

PS:
As to your statement:

You'll have to take my word, that I am totally capable of going whole-hog on the humiliation, degredation thing. I've written true non-consent stories for my own beneift that might curl the people on Lit's hair. But my attempt in this story was to explore something more subtle, more dynamic. Yes, he IS getting satisfied in a way, but not the way HE wants to, and that's the point. That's the very source of his humiliation--that through submission to this girl, he is perhaps gaining more dividends sexually than he ever had while he was in control. The first chapter is only a modest beginning to this.

The reasoning behind everything Cindy does is ultimately for MUTUAL benefit. Whether it's believable that a girl like Cindy is truly capable of this is something of a major question, I know. That was part of the challenge of writing the story. The other thing I enjoy, more than anything, is exploring that boundry on the professor's end between arousal and debasement--a sort of hard-on THROUGH humiliation, [snipped].

I don't buy this for a moment! Put up or shut up, dude! Show us the beef!

Why can't there be degradation plus subtlety?

 

[MLyons]

Thanks Pure!

Great great stuff. Let me absorb and I'll get back to you. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment.

Man, I feel all at once embarrassed, challenged and inspired. This is EXACTLY what I was hoping to get out of this.

Thank you guys.

 

[MLyons]

Pure,

Once again, thanks for your comments. Let me tell you a little about how this story came about. Not that you care at all, but that might explain a few things.

Mind you I don't claim that the crazy humiliation stuff I've written in the past is any good. Let me just clear that up right now. In fact, since it was only written for me, it would probably only really appeal to me. As proof of this, the first story I ever submitted to Literotica was one of these, and it was rejected. The reason it was rejected was because of atrocious and lazy punctuation and grammar--especially in the dialogue. It wasn't that I didn't know how to do it, it's just that I didn't BOTHER with it. The story was also quite... porn-like--much like "Cindy" is I suppose, and I interpretted the rejection as not only a comment on my lazy grammar, but on the less-sophisticated content as well. I therefore set about writing a story specfically for Literotica as a way of proving that I could write fairly well to the Lit. folks who rejected my other one. Thus "Cindy" was born.

There's a two pronged sword there, though. In one sense I write what turns me on. There's no sense in doing anything less in my mind. One of the things I like is very strong pornographic language when it comes to sex--which is partially what you objected to. I was certainly aware that many Lit. readers would not like that, but now that I read your comments, perhaps it wasn't the language itself, but simply the fact that I tend to like to POUND it into people's heads what's happening--to rehash, and re-describe every detail in the most vivid way that I can. Perhaps that language isn't the problem as much as is my overindulgence in describing every pornographic nuance. Is that a correct assessment?

What I find the MOST fascinating when it comes to your thoughts, Pure, is that when I set about writing Cindy, specifically for the more sophisticated Lit. audience, I didn't abandon my affinity for detailed description or strong modifiers. What I DID do, however, was soften up the dark side of my writing--to NOT degrade or humiliate so much as explore degredation and humiliation as a game. I thought it wise to take away some of the hard bite and one-sidedness of my stories and examine a more mutual enjoyment through sexual power games. That's what I thought the Lit. audience WANTED, and to be sure, it was an aspect of myself that I was anxious to explore. Based on your comments, it seems that perhaps I should have made the opposite choices: kept the bite of the stories, and "pruned" the writing as you say. Is that correct?

In any case, it was never my intention to explore the 59 girls the Professor has slept with, or introduce Cindy's prom queen sister and have this series go on for 30 chapters. My intention is to END this story within one or two more chapters. By the comments from you and Phil, I see that the dynamic I've created between Cindy and the Professor is just not quite right. She's not pushing him hard enough, and although my instincts were for her to push him much farther, I always held back because I felt that I might slip back into my old selfish writing style and alienate the Lit. audience completely. I thought they wanted to see something more mutual, rather than sit through something truly sadistic and revenge oriented.

I'm left wondering now if I should try to make these changes with this story, or simply finish it as written and start something else. I certainly don't want to alienate the audience I've managed to acquire, but at the same time, I hate to see Cindy disappear without my being able to explore her darker edge. Perhaps I can tweak this particular story a tad and she can DEVELOP that sadistic side over time--not for the Professor, but perhaps for some other hapless stud that she later encounters. On the other hand, I'd no doubt be fooling myself if I pretended anyone cared that much about seeing Cindy again anyway. ::shrug:: We write for ourselves right?

Once again, thanks for taking the time to comment. You've really given me some fantastic food for throught, and if I've misinterpretted anything, please let me know.

 

[Black Tulip]

MLyons,

I read chapter 1 yesterday and let it sink in before I posted my comments for you.

First of all I need to say that I have avoided femdom stories so far. So if I am not too thrilled with Cindy that could be a matter of personal preference.

Second I need to say that you have written in a way that made me respond, probably not in the way you wanted, but you touched a nerve. I can't tell you how, but it means you did something very right.

My main problem with the story is that I cannot connect with the characters.

I can understand the professor getting sex for grades and turning sour over the years. But his thoughts don't fit his actions. He exerts his power over his students and that gets him off. But at the same time he gets irritated with them trying to up their grades? That should please him because that gives him an excuse to bully one again.

He got a perverse pleasure out of making them cry because they couldn't get their way. It had come to be a sort of sexual release for him,

To his own horror he gets turned on when he is at the receiving end. I think that is an original slant. But that would cause him a lot more fighting in his mind than you let him do, in my opinion at least.

I can also understand Cindy wanting to get back at him for treating her the way he did.
But I cannot connect her behavior with emotions that fit. If she is angry, enough to want revenge, there has to be something of that emotion right from the start. Yet you present her as a very meek kind of girl.

Watching Cindy cower beneath him, teary eyed, as she grabbed her books and quickly ran out of the office was exhilarating.

By the way: beneath him? I think that should be another word, like away from him or something.

Then she is suddenly very devious, knows a lot about him and makes him squirm big time.

"Professor, I guess you don't care if you're going to jail. I'll just be on my way then."

That is one very collected young woman talking. Not exactly a teary eyed skinny girl.

That brings me to another point. You mention thin arms and legs a few times and then you tell us she has a gorgeous body. It could be my interpretation of the word gorgeous but I do not think of thin then. Slim or slender, yes, thin? No.

I would not have finished the story if it had been for pleasure. Apart from the theme of the story, I found Cindy irritating to start with and after I read the whole story I found her downright awful. She made me very, very angry.

So you see you did something right there because it was believable enough to get that kind of reaction.

I got angry though because I could only see her as degrading the professor for the fun of degrading him. That is a very personal reaction, as you will understand. You never gave me something about what's going on inside her head however, what is she thinking, what is she feeling. Maybe she humiliated him because she likes that, but that is not clear to me. I don't see any emotion with her. No smile, no grin, no matter how evil, nothing.

Over all, I have to say I don't like the story although I do like to read nonconsent. Apart from my personal taste, I think you need to have a closer look at the way you have them act. In my opinion there are too many discrepancies between thinking and doing on the part of the professor. And there is not enough for me as a reader to connect with Cindy.

Sorry, I'm not sure I will read chapter 2 as well.



Have a in compensation.

Edited:
I have read the other comments and I think I have to add something on behalf of Cindy. LOL
You can certainly make her a lot more sadistic. I would definitely not read another chapter than, but you would still need to make it clear why she does what she's doing. What's in it for her?

 

[MLyons]

Thanks for toughing it out and offering some of your thoughts Black Tulip! They are much appreciated.

It's fascinating that you hated her. Boy I'm just doing it all wrong aren't I?

I certainly understand your thoughts with regard to the Professor. I had real trouble with him, and his reactions. Are you saying that if I'd revealed Cindy's motives at the outset, this might have been a better story? I thought it might be intrigueing to reveal that at the end of the story, rather than the beginning. Perhaps that was flawed thinking. I see now that the trade off for waiting until the end is that I COULDN'T make Cindy too sadistic, because we simply don't know her real motives yet. My intent was to build that aspect of it until I did reveal her motives. Maybe that was one of my fundamental mistakes.

I'm not going to have any credence anymore when I comment on others' stories, I fear.

I've just read the first four paragraphs of "Slave to Politics" (PARAGRAPHS mind you!)--the story that Pure linked to--and I already feel like a complete moron who has no business writing erotic stories. Hopefully, y'all will make me better.

Ultimately I guess I have a hard time mixing believability with my fantasies. That's really the biggest magic trick of them all. Now I really wonder if "Cindy" is slavagable at all... ::shrug::

Thanks again, for your thoughts, BT.

 

[A7inchPhildo]

.

Boy I'm just doing it all wrong aren't I?


I'm not going to have any credence anymore when I comment on others' stories, I fear.

I've just read the first four paragraphs of "Slave to Politics" (PARAGRAPHS mind you!)--the story that Pure linked to--and I already feel like a complete moron who has no business writing erotic stories. Hopefully, y'all will make me better.

Ultimately I guess I have a hard time mixing believability with my fantasies. That's really the biggest magic trick of them all. Now I really wonder if "Cindy" is slavagable at all... ::shrug::

MLyons,
Thanks for the great idea you gave me on my story, today. There now, there is some credibility for you.

You are not doing it all wrong. You are just doing it. That seems to be more of the problem. Don't try to compare your works against "speachMaster". Instead read his works and see what makes him a great author to read. One of the main reasons his stories are impeckable is the amount of time and effort he gives. The series of nine chapters has taken three years. Maybe he just strums them out in a weekend and then sits back, but I doubt it.

Another feature is the feelings. Feelings is the number one seller of porn stories. I don't care all the gramatical effort only adds 20% to the story. The plot is also about 20-30%. How the story makes the reader conected is through personal feelings. Real or not the reader needs to connect. The easiest way, is to make them feel.

For me when I read a story I jot down how I feel from a certain script, that made me feel. Later I can incorporate that into a story. Whatever the category.

Mixing believability with fantasy is only a matter of what your mind limits you too. It is called research, not all about facts either. Read like stories, hint read like stories that still score high after thousands of views.
Day dream the characters interactions. It helps if you really know the setting. Example, make the house like your house. Make the school like the one you have gone to. Make the office like your office.
Question real people, descretely about topics. See what the real reaction looks like.
Live the roll for a day or two. Can you, have you? Be submissive in silence to your wife's every whim for one day with no yelping. No need to tell her. Just can you do it? How did it make you feel?

Those feelings are what the reader gets off on. It is not fancy words, and nifty structure. The gramatical part is the improvement, not the story. Some of the best stories I have read were a complete mess, under 2k words, yet it was a turn on just to think they are most likely real. Or come close to the real source.

Unless I am mistaken, which I am not. You are not being paid to write either. At least not from Lit. So you are writing for fun, like most of us are. There is no such thing as a wrong story. Just some stories give more "WoW" to them than others. How you present that wow feeling is various as the stars. And some will like it, others won't. Yet even still some friends will lie, and tell you it is great when they are not being true.

That is the reason for the SDC to find out some truths and improve. By no means does anyone want you to stop writing. Your stories are not that bad. Maybe a little too long. But over all good intentions. With promise as you do want to improve and that gives you credence over 75% of the other authors who just don't even care.

The two chapters could have been 4 chapters and that would also have been a big plus in my book. When I see 3 Lit pages of a chapter story I tend to back down fast unless there is several chapters posted, or the first three paragraphs really grip my attention. You better be real good to get me to commit to 10k words. Too easy to find another story just like yours.

By the way I did remember Sarah from CH1 only because I did read it, and I don't scan stories posted here. My over reacting monkey is what you should expect of many readers as they start CH2. Sarah was but a memory vision in CH1. She starts Ch2 like she is the main character. That would be my point. Cindy should have started CH2 if even a brief mention of her before the whole dream. This would not leave the reader guessing if he is opening up the correct chapter, following #1. We left with Cindy, we start with Cindy or whatever was the last topic. This is not a book so chapters need direct association in my opinion.

I thought it might be intrigueing to reveal that at the end of the story, rather than the beginning. Perhaps that was flawed thinking. I see now that the trade off for waiting until the end is that I COULDN'T make Cindy too sadistic, because we simply don't know her real motives yet. My intent was to build that aspect of it until I did reveal her motives. Maybe that was one of my fundamental mistakes.

The idea of waiting until the end works fine. Except you already fired out what we should think her motives are. And now you are changing them. Her motives are he pissed her off in a degrading way. She is not after an "A" or money. So she better be really pissed off to take it out only from his hide. Then we have to question she is too involved her self to be doing this out of revenge. And if she is training him for anotherr person she is not doing so well.

Phil

 

[Lying Eyes]

Note, this story is not my cup of tea so I doubt I can be of much help. Stories about non-consent and especialy humiliation are just not my thing but I will share some of my thoughts.

In reality, I'd really like it if everyone read both Chapters 1 and 2. The intent of this story is to be a cohesive whole--not independent chapters...

...Just know that Chapter 2 is not meant to stand alone.

I think you have to remember that many readers may end up beginning to read at to the middle of the work, not start in the first chapter. So in my opinion every chapter (exept the final chapter) should be able to stand by itself for those readers that parachute into the middle of a story. Hopefully if it works by itself then readers will go back to the other chapters.

Now in my case I didnt want to read the first chapter anyway since it isnt my genre of choice.

First comment about the second chapter after barely reading through a measily few lines... Sex already! No buildup at all! Way to fast to the "action"! After reading the rest of the piece I found it amusing since it is reversed to how many stories are formed here. Sex first and then a long teasing buildup, and no "climax" at the end! Now I'm not saying you have to put in a long build up before the sex with the recollection (or was it a dream?) of Sarah but I think you could of placed at least some of that very good teasing/humiliating dialog before you got to the "juicy" parts.

I can see readers getting annoyed by this story not because it isnt good but they got sexually worked up so soon and I can imagine them getting frustrated just like the professor waiting for the climax at the end that never comes. I probably would of written Cindy recieving sexual relief by having the professor eat her out while mocking him and then telling him since he had done a good job he could open the gift (crate) at the end.

I agree 100% with A7inchPhildo the real cliff hanger would be letting the reader NOT know what is in the crate. Just end it with something like him gasping or groaning in astonishment at the end. I personaly would have to check the third chapter in this case even if it isn't my kind of story. Though you would have to not mention what is in the crate in the discription of the third chapter. I have to give you credit about placing a sex doll in the story, a very good intresting idea.

To be honest the whole beginning section with Sarah and the second section with Cindy feels like two seperate chapters. I kind of wished you let Sarah have her own chapter and beef up the content with her. Even though she doesnt have a major role I still found her the most intresting character of the three.

One thing I clearly didn't find crediable was the professor going out to the car. I think he would never risk this. I know it is just public nudity, not revealing what he is doing with students or his criminal actions but it would show to the neighborhood that he isnt the man they thought he is. This would make people talk which might set off a domino affect which would result in everything coming out eventually. As long as he is humiliated privately their is no danger of him being found out so he can be pushed to a high level of depravity but if he is humiliated out in the open to all his neighbors then he is on dangerous ground.

In my opinion you did a very good job with the dialog. I particulary enjoyed when she teases him about his long legged secretary.

I don't have much else to say. I'm sorry that I couldnt be a better help to you.

--and I alredy feel like a complete moron who has no business writing erotic stories

Don't say that! Their are plenty of morons writing stories and your definatly not one of them. If your a moron then what does that make me