Grassroots Discussion: Lying Eyes 7/25/04

Lying Eyes

Really Experienced
Joined
Dec 16, 2001
Posts
181
Here it goes...

Title: Atkins Diet Disaster
Genre: Lesbian
Discription: Sweet cravings leads to lesbian seduction
Link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=136093

Original idea was to create a humorous lesbian story involving food, original working title was going to be "Maple Syrup Mayhem". As I fiddled with the idea I incorporated the the very popular low Atkins diet into the story and changed the title hoping it would peak the interest of more readers. As I continued to work on it I moved it to a more sombre note pushing the idea of the main character lacking self esteem due to her figure and food having more signifance then just being food. Also the main character is suppose to be straight at first.

This story has not been anywhere near as well recieved as my other two stories. It has the same failings as my other pieces, such as over use of "I" and too much thinking in the characters head, but that didn't seem to bother readers in those other stories so I don't think it was the big problem. I thought this story was at least better then my first piece which lacked substance so I didn't entirely understand why it wasn't anywhere near as popular. Going by the lack of votes compared to views and very little feedback it must of been a disapointment to readers. So I put it up to be discussed why it failed and to confirm my thoughts on why.

I think I failed by trying to do too much in such a short story. Do you agree? I think I bit way more then I could chew.

Some questions on particular elements of the story:

Flashbacks: Was it a mistake on my part to put them in? Should I have deleted them? Do you understand why I put them in? It was a last minute addition and I dont know if I did the right thing including them. Probably could of least have written something better.

Seduction: Some advice for my pevious piece was the character suddenly turning and having lesbian feelings was too rushed. I tried to slow the pace this time before the character finaly submited towards the other woman. Did I drag it out too long?

Humour: Originaly was suppose to be entirely a light hearted tale. Does the humour work? Does any part actually make you grin or smile? Does it seem corny or stupid? Does the humour clash too much with the more sombre side to the story?

Any mistakes you think I did, please let me know.
 
Lying Eyes,

A solid effort with the type of flaws common to folks who've just started writing.

--

LE: I thought this story was at least better then my first piece which lacked substance so I didn't entirely understand why it wasn't anywhere near as popular.

RF: It’s a sad fact that overall quality of writing has relatively little to do with scores or votes. However, there are ways to increase a story’s appeal to the average reader.

--

LE: I think I failed by trying to do too much in such a short story. Do you agree? I think I bit off way more then I could chew.

RF: Not necessarily. However, flashbacks in a story this short are tough. Your best bet might have been to start with the third paragraph or possibly her getting caught at the refrigerator. The info in the flashback could have been covered by dialogue between the two characters.

--

LE: Seduction: Some advice for my pevious piece was the character suddenly turning and having lesbian feelings was too rushed. I tried to slow the pace this time before the character finaly submited towards the other woman. Did I drag it out too long?

RF: I’m trying to get better in that area myself. But for what it’s worth, I don’t think you drug it out too long.

--

LE: Humour: Originaly was suppose to be entirely a light hearted tale. Does the humour work? Does any part actually make you grin or smile? Does it seem corny or stupid? Does the humour clash too much with the more sombre side to the story?

RF: To me, the humor was neither a plus nor a minus.

--

LE: Any mistakes you think I did, please let me know.

RF: You mentioned the problem with overuse of “I”. There are also a lot of “ly” adverbs. To quote Stephen King, “Adverbs are not a writer’s friend. Here’s a rule-of-thumb I believe in, the fewer adverbs, the stronger the writing.

Internal monologue, letting a character's thought process serve as narrative, is neither good nor bad. It’s just another tool. Some successful, published writers use it all the time. However, it can easily slow the pace. Dialogue can give the same info even quicker, isn't as bad about slowing the pace, and can also be used give reader’s insight into the character’s personalities.

Since this story is already posted, I just worked over the flashback. With luck, a little of my drivel may actually be of some help. Don’t hesitate to get back to me to cuss or discuss any that's not.

Rumple Foreskin :cool:

--

In a fit of rage, I threw the book across the room. With a loud thud, it slammed against the stove and crumpled to the floor. I marched across the kitchen floor(COMMA) my bare feet sticking to the cold kitchen tiles. (IF SHE JUST THREW THE BOOK, WHY GO GET IT? READERS CAN GUESS, BUT LETTING THEM KNOW COULD BE USED TO REVEAL SOMETHING ABOUT THE NARRATOR’S PERSONALITY.) My full (NEVER LET A NARRATOR DESCRIBE HERSELF THIS WAY. GIVING AN IDEA OF THEIR APPEARANCE IS A CHALLENGE IN FIRST PERSON. BUT FOLKS JUST DON’T SAY, “MY SHAPELY LEGS WERE TIRED.”) lips curled into a snarl as I glared in contempt(MIGHT ADD “AT THE BOOK.”). Looking back at me from a small photo on the cover of the book was Doctor Atkins face smiling back(MAYBE “DOCTOR ATKINS’ FACE SMILED UP AT ME FROM THE BACK COVER.”). "I'd like to ram that book up your fucking carb-free ass!" I yelled to his image seething in anger.(OMIT EVERYTHING AFTER “ASS!”. YOU’VE ALREADY IMPLIED THE NARRATOR WAS LOOKING AT THE BOOK AND THE QUOTE LEAVES NO DOUBT ABOUT HER ATTITUDE.) I could not stand it any longer. This Atkins diet had gone on too long. I've(I’D) had enough of this(THE) low carbohydrate and high protein diet. Weeks of eating foods with low carbohydrates like beef, chicken, and fish, (ADD “HAD BECOME”) a monotonous routine with not enough variety for me. Will this insanity ever end? I sorely missed all the foods that were once staples of my diet like bread, pasta, potatoes and rice.

The mention(OMIT “THE MENTION” – SHE WAS THINKING, NOT TALKING, ABOUT FOOD – ADD “THINKING” OR “THOUGHTS”) of the avoided food made memories of the past rush in and calm my mind. I was a little girl peering over the kitchen counter beside my mom. Her hands lovingly molded through the dough. She looked at me and warmly smiled. I stood impatiently waiting for the results of her hard work. I still remember the image of her opening the oven as the smell of the warm cinnamon swirl bread filled the room with its intoxicating fragrance. Sadness swept over me as I realized she was not in my life any longer. I missed her.

(THAT PARAGRAPH IS A GOOD EXAMPLE OF A COMMON PROBLEM WITH FIRST PERSON. THE WRITER BEGINS TELLING WHAT THE NARRATOR IS DOING INSTEAD OF WHAT’S HAPPENING. ONE BY-PRODUCT IS A LOT OF SENTENCES BEGINNING WITH “I”. HERE’S ANOTHER WAY TO GIVE A SIMILAR IMAGE.

“Thinking about foods the Atkins’ diet prohibits brought back calming memories. I’m standing beside my mother, just able to peer over the kitchen counter. She looks happy and smiles at me while her hands work a pile of dough. The image of her opening the oven remains with me, as does the smell of warm cinnamon swirl bread filling the room with its intoxicating fragrance. But then sadness replaces the warm memories. She’s no longer in my life. I missed her.”

MY EXAMPLE IS A LONG WAY FROM GOOD WRITING. BUT IT HAS ONLY ONE “I” WHICH WAS LEFT IN FOR EMPHASIS.
 
My two cents worth...

I wrote a little short humorous tale (as are all my pieces) on the Atkins diet as well as three low carb songs, and I think taking something so topical and not putting a funny spin on it is sinfull.

Just the unusal nature of the eating habits of us low carbers (myself included), which are sort of like coming out of the closet, and yet fearful of sugar products needs to come out in humor or else you'll just be exploiting a name to draw attention but not doing the story justice.

My stories...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=154569

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=154572
 
Greetings GratefulFred,

Thanks for stopping by, BUT, the deal here is to get (critiques) you should give (critiques). In other words, before others critique you, you need to write at least a couple critiques. Not only is this a warm-fuzzy "Golden Rule" type thing, writing critiques is one of the best ways to improve your own work.

No harm done. This joint is flexible.

If you'd like to have one of your stories critiqued, post a notice on the Grassroots thread at the top of the page. Then once you've done a couple critiques, it'll be your turn.

You could start by looking over Lying Eyes' story and giving him some feedback. Since you've already written on this subject, your thoughts might be especially valuable.

It's summertime and there are only two ahead of you. However, one has done no critiques and I can't reach the other. So if you get a move on, your story might get up to bat next weekend.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Rumple Foreskin :cool:
 
No problemo...

I'll do my best to critique some elements of your story as I do have a sort of low carb passion.

In my opinion, the plot of low carb craving transitioned into capitulating leading into a sexual encounter seems a rough mix as it deals in two separate subjects that don't have enough elements at this point to connect them together. Just the fine doctor smiling at the end is a nice touch but what I felt was needed were more connections of this type within the sexual act. Though the syrup is a sinful substance, I would put in references to "Perhaps the hot steaming sexual workout will counterbalance the infusion of carbs" or "I wonder if sugar-free maple syrup tastes as good". I'd also refer to Fiber, Net Carbs in the lingo.

These are just a few of my suggestions, and since this subject is so topical, try to get a few points of view and run with it.

I'm a favor of full humor as diets are such a fun topic to spoof anyways and especially a low carb way of life. "Oh lick me up you Splenda lady"





By the way Rumple, I'd love to get critiqued and I can take both the good and bad comments. As soon as they release my fabled "The Chicken Nugget Conspiracy" from the pendalty box (should be any time now) I'll throw it up for all of you to have a swipe at it. It, and nearly everything else I write, will be in the humor & satire department so you'll see it when and if it gets there.

My stories...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=154569

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=154572
 
GratefulFred,

Glad to have you join the SDC Irregulars. Post a public critique of Lying Eye's story then one or two of stories by other writers here at SDC. Let me know when your story is posted. Unless Day'sNights checks in, it could be the the next up.

By the way, the Workshop Thread is designed for non-posted, works-in-progress.

Rumple Foreskin :cool:
 
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You keep maple syrup in your fridg? How in the world do you get it to pour? We always keep ours in the cupboard at room temperature. Even the pure maple from Canada.

Well, anyhow…

I had a hard time with this story on almost every level, starting at the top with the character motivation (I think you play this “breaking my diet” conceit far too long) and going all the way down to the nuts-and-bolts level of the writing. There are real problems with the mechanics, starting with inadequate paragraphing (they’re much too long and infrequent) and includuing thinds like neglected commas, awkward constructions, and not-quite-right word usages.

I wish I could sum up all these mechanical problems under one heading, but they’re too subtle and pervasive for that. It started out right at the top with

In a fit of rage, I threw the book across the room. With a loud thud, it slammed against the stove and crumpled to the floor.

Two back-to-back sentences with parallel construction, both opening with a participial phrase. Maybe I’m especially sensitive to sentences that start with participial phrases, but I couldn’t help but wonder why you just didn’t say, “It slammed and against the stove with a loud thud and crumpled to the floor.”

There are sentence fragments galore, and the lack of commas gives us sentences like this:

I rolled on the floor distraught at my own behavior not being able to contain my cravings.

And like this:

Sally slowly removed it and winked at me as my eyes opened regretting the finger had left me.

which implies that her eyes were doing the regretting.

I hate to seem niggling and petty about this, but the piece really needs the attentions of a good proofreader to fix this stuff. These kinds of little gaffes really ruin the readability, in my opinion.

Overall I think you stayed with this diet conceit for too long. I’ll leave aside the fact that I’ve been on Atkins too, and know what it’s like to have the urge (for me it was milk and bread. I was dying for a glass of milk and a slice of white bread.) Even after she’s started making out with her roommate and is obviously turned on sexually, she’s still pretending that she’s after the syrup. It got old. But it points up another feeling I got from this story, and that’s that the you weren’t really writing from experience as much as you were writing from your own idea of what it must be like to crave a food. The entire syrup-craving thing just felt very contrived to me and unrealistic. It was too obviously a gimmick, and the result was that it came off as very gimmicky and finally, in my opinion, overdone.

There’s a lot that can be funny about being on a diet and feeling the urge. There’s the way you dip your finger into a food and lick it, thinking that doesn’t really count as eating it. The way you urge people who aren’t on the diet to eat things you want, so you can get a vicarious buzz, or the way you might even put some of the forbidden food into your mouth and chew it for a while, then frantically spit it out lest any go down your throat. But I just can’t believe that you’d be so desperate for syrup that you’d get down on your hands and knees and lick droplets off the floor. I know, that was supposed to be funny, but it was just too implausible for me, kind of cartoonish.

So as far as the humor went, I have to say that it didn’t work for me, because I couldn’t relate to her cravings or her actions. If humor involves recognizing ourselves in the silly things that people do, this one left me out. Maybe it’s just that syrup doesn’t have much appeal to me, I don’t know. Or maybe that there's something inherently sad in being so disappointed in the way we look that we put ourselves through this kind of thing. It was nice that her lover redeemed her. That should have been played up more. I would have liked her to have ended the story telling us how sexy and beautiful she felt now. Fuck Adkins. She'd found something better.

The flashbacks made no sense to me whatsoever. They had nothing to do with the rest of the story that I could tell. They were just there and went nowhere. I think you were trying to make the connection that herr boyfriend left her because she were overweight? That’s what came to me after I reread it, but the point wasn't made very clearly, and, still, without her being redeemed at the end it doesn;t go anywhere.

(The flashback also contained this:

The candle flickered as he fed me with his fork full of decadent chocolate cake. The atmosphere was so erotic.

Was his fork “full of decadent chocolate cake”? Or was he “feeding me full” of the d.c.c.?)

Things got better with the sex as far as the awkwardness of the writing went, but all the erotic heat went out of it for me when I thought of her roommate douching herself with a bottle of fridge-cold maple syrup. How could she stand to do that?

I guess I should say at this point that food and sex have never been my favorite combination. I love both dearly, and think it’s an insult to both to mix them together. If you’re going to eat, then enjoy the food, and if you’re going to have sex, then concentrate on the sex. So I was probably somewhat prejudiced again the eroticism of the food-and-sex scene.

There’s a lot that’s good in here. You gave a great eye for detail, but here it seems that all this detail is made up, like you didn’t really put yourself into the story and think it through very deeply. I mean, is it really possible to douche yourself with ice-cold syrup and still feel horny?

The reason the seduction doesn’t come off as seduction is because I don’t think you succeeded in putting us inside your character’s head and letting us feel her own sensual excitement. They started kissing, and she got excited, and then was all gung-ho to get it on. I imagine there would be a lot of excitement in sucking her roommates breasts and feeling her warmth, hearing her little gasps of pleasure, the way she grabbed Olivia’s shoulders, and that Olivia would have responded to that, but we didn't hear any of that. But instead of being sexually aroused, Olivia is still telling us she was famished for syrup. It just comes off as false.

Anyhow, sorry I can’t be more helpful on this one. but I think it needs help on a lot of levels.

---dr.M.
 
Thank you Rumple Foreskin, GratefulFred and dr_mabeuse for the comments. That's alot for me to digest... More flaws in the piece then I could fathom. Hopefully with pointing them out I could avoid them in the future.

One of my many dificiences is I try to cram more then I should at times.

I figured the flashbacks didn't work as I intended and regret putting them in or a least trying to incorporate them better. The point I was trying to do was showing that food was a bigger deal to her because she associated food with happy memories. Food was a comforting source to her. It wasn't suppose to be entirely about her getting a fix for her sweet tooth.

As for the storing of maple syrup, the general rule is room temperture is fine until it is opened in which it is recomended to be placed in the fridge or somewhere below room temperature. If you have problems pouring it your fridge's temperature must be too low. But that is a good point about it being cool on the body and I really could of done something with that such as her body shivering and fitting it into dialogue. Pity I didn't notice this.

I know this wasn't a realistic scenario. It was originaly suppose to be more of an experiment on my part and a piece to have fun with. I guess I should steer away from gimmicky storylines.
 
Lying Eyes,

Some writers stick to one or two categories and always use the same style. But IMHO, Lit is a great place to experiment, to stretch yourself as a writer and try new things. For instance, I've tried telling the exact same story as a third person "Loving Wives" using the female character's POV and as a first person "Interracial Love" using the guy's (the latter got higher number).

For what it's worth, I still think you should try a story in third person. You might use this one and let us take a look at it as a non-posted, Workshop story. Just a thought.

Rumple Foreskin :cool:
 
Don't quit now...

I think it could make a hillarious erotic spoof if you just deal with the paranormal attitude of us low carbers. Food deprivation and sex wielded as a tool can work hand in hand.

Think those two thoughts. Open up your mind to a few twists and the erotic experience you are looking to convey can shine. It's not about the maple syrup...it's about temptation.

Use it well.
 
Hey, LE:

I read your Atkins story, and then I wanted to get some perspective, so I read all three of your stories. I figured it might be frustrating to you if I commented on something mechanical in this story that you tried hard to fix in your later work. I'll try to confine my specific comments to your Atkins story, but I have a few general comments about all your writing:

First of all, I'd like to say that "The Truth Shall Set you Free" is by far your best story. This, I'm sure is not a big surprise to you, but there's a realism and exploration of emotions that your other stories were very much lacking. I felt an intimacy between the two characters, a hint of sweetness that I could actually relate to, and to get to me like with a story is damn admirable. Writing that kind of thing is much harder than writing sex, in my opinion.

Even so, I noticed that I had real trouble focusing as I was reading all your work. You have a tendency to really over-use adjectives. This is a problem I'm very much struggling with myself, so I can relate--believe me. It's habitual, and cutting them can feel like amputating your own arm in some cases, but if you could clean up some of that, your stories would read so much smoother. In that vein, you also have a tendency for repitition, and to overdescribe things.

Look at this example:

I rubbed my hand on my bare creamy white skin in between my pink tube top and shorts. Pinching the skin by my belly button, I admired the results of the Atkins diet. There was no doubt; I was leaner and these tight blue shorts were not as snug as they once were. Even though I noticed an improvement in my figure, I still doubted I looked good. The only part of my body I truly loved was my bust size. Thankfully, my breasts did not reduce in size with the rest of my body. They felt too large as they strained my little pink tube top. However, I was glad to have them; right now, they kept me from feeling worthless about my physical appearance. This diet really did work; but while I wanted to continue losing weight, my stomach was telling a different story. It said the price of success was too high. A battle took place within me and I knew my willpower was slowly breaking from the onslaught of my cravings.

I added the bold to point out the overabundance of unnecessary adjectives. It's better to intersperse them more sparingly throughout the story. Feed the reader little tid-bits at a time and let them fill in the rest with their own minds. But there's more to it than that. There are simply too many descriptive phrases here (take the over description of the narrator's breasts for example). It weighs down the story, and makes it feel like you're plodding through the prose before you get somewhere useful.

Another thing that makes your writing harder to read is that you seem to have an aversion for commas--in lists, and in parenthetical phrases. It made me have to go back and re-read several things. I'm all for using grammar creatively in fiction, fragmented sentences and odd comma usage, etc., but it has to be there for a reason. The phrases I found mistakes in just felt like mistakes, not choices.

I would also suggest breaking up some of your paragraphs, but again, it's not just that. It just seemed that alot of the introspection was just completely unnecessary, and some of those paragraphs could have been shortened or cut completely.

I certainly find this with my own writing. When I first write something it does tend to include a lot of introspection, but the fact is, no matter how important I think it might be at the time, I'm really writing it for MYSELF, not for the reader. I'm writing all that to explain to myself what the character is thinking, and when I go back and do some editing, I find that I can cut out a lot of it and just leave in their actions, their dialogue and a few thoughts here and there and let it speak for itself. I grant you, it's hard to know where that line is, and surely most of us on Lit who try to write good stories struggle with it. I just found that, especially in your latest story, the long bouts of character thought just took me out of the flow of what was happening. It slowed down an otherwise very interesting story.

My final gripe is dialogue. I read the Atkins story, and I remembered your comment about how you were going for humor, so I didn't want to jump to conclusions about your dialogue. But your other stories, even "The Truth" seemed to lapse into the same thing--quippy and clever little "porny" one-liners that seemed to be more "writer oriented" than they were motivated by the characters and the situation they were in. It's a fine line, I know. This all IS porn afterall, but the sharper and more authentic the dialogue, ESPECIALLY during a sexual encounter, the more exciting and real you can make it. Even outside the sex, though, the dialogue just seemed too.... I don't know.... forced. It seemed to obviously expository in some places, and too "reading-from-a-script" in others.

My philosophy (and hey... what the hell do I know?) is that you can solve alot of your problems of introspection with sharper dialogue and some carefully selected inclusion of body language. The better you know the characters, the better you can make the dialogue. In turn, the better you can make the dialogue and actions, the less you are forced to TELL us what they are thinking.

I think I'd better move on to your questions:

Flashbacks -- I didn't really understand why they were there. There could have been a good reason, I just didn't see it, is all. I apologize if I missed it. I can be a lazy reader sometimes.

Seduction -- It wasn't too long, or too short, it was just... silly. Using maple syrup as a motivator for an otherwise straight girl to lick another girl's breasts, and then her pussy just seemed very fantastical to me. And hey, that's ok as a kind of role-playing between two confirmed lesbians, but it bothered me as a means of real seduction for someone who was just discovering another woman. There just needed to be higher stakes there, I thought. She could just as easily have gone to the store if she wanted some carbs. I think using the food in this way was a mistake, but then that was the whole premise of the story, so really my reactions could be a personal taste thing.

Humor -- I just didn't think the humor worked at all. It read to me more as bad porn dialogue than it did as funny. I certainly groaned, and if this dialogue were in the humor/satire category with an obvious attempt to be a porn movie hitching on the the Atkins craze I would have found it hysterical, but that's not what this story was. So I suppose to answer the question, the humor as it was used did not work for me at all.

Ok. That's enough of my baseless slaughtering of your poor tale. Please, as always, I have my own biases in terms of what I want to get out of a Lit. story. Except for the little tiny hints of excitement in "The Truth" the stuff you're writing about just isn't speaking to me, so leave my comments on the floor if you like.

I'm off to read the other comments.
 
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Thanks MLyons some very good points you made especially my over use of adjectives.

Note on my intention with the flashbacks.
In the past I was told to be more subtle and that is something I tried with the flashbacks. I didn't spell it out why I wrote them in hoping someone would figure it out and maybe even relate to it.

No one "got it". I failed pretty miserably here. Now I'm going to wonder if in other times that when I do spell it out for the reader that it really is necessary. Here I was trying to point out that she wanted food so bad because it was a comforting source. Like the reference to her missing her mother she missed the food in the same way. Food (bread, pasta, cake) and fond memories (mother, friends, boyfriend) were connected so taking away food was like taking away some of her happiness. Also explains a bit about her anger, food gains her weight resulting in her figure being less atractive (in her mind) yet it makes her happy also. So food is a crutch and saviour to her.

The sweet food (cake) is connected to her boyfriend. Her boyfriend left her (hinted because of her weight) and she reacts by taking away carbs and sweets to make her more atractive. So she has been deprived of sweets and sex at the same time, the last time she had cake was the last time she had sex. So when someone offers food and sex at the same time she is compeled to take the offer more then just because she is hungry or just because she is in the mood.

So she is becoming frustrated because of this diet, just the memories of food help calm her mind so she turns to the same thing that also poses a problem.

Eat bad food makes her happy = Weight problem = unhappy about her body = go on diet = anger, frustration, misery = eating bad food calms her, gets relief, happiness = Weight problem = and so on...

I think maybe I should of done either make it a pure humourous stroke piece, or go the other way and take all of the humour, gimicks out and some of the sex and make the story more about body image.
 
Lying Eyes,

I'll give my thoughts first, before reading the other comments.

*clearing throat a bit nervously*
I think I have to say I am following the Atkins diet. :eek:
More accurately, I changed my eating habits according to his advice.
I did lose about 40lbs.

First, I think you picked a nice storyline and I liked the way you made fun of dieting and all that goes with it.

That also brings me to some of my objections.

At the start of the story you are a bit flat. It sounds to me a mere summation, not something you experienced. You only mention the most known facts, not telling what your day to day meals look like. If you are on a diet because you like eating too much you treat food with a bit more compassion. LOL

Weeks of eating foods with low carbohydrates like beef, chicken, and fish, a monotonous routine with not enough variety for me. Will this insanity ever end? I sorely missed all the foods that were once staples of my diet like bread, pasta, potatoes and rice.
I'd suggest something like this:
Weeks of eating foods with low carbohydrates like beef, chicken, and fish. A monotonous routine in which the only variety was allowed in the kind of cheese to go with it. That was not enough for me. ... I sorely missed all the foods that were once staples of my diet like bread with peanutbutter, pasta to go along with the meat and the salad, potatoes or rice in a thick creamy sauce.
If you are on a diet you tend to fantasize about all those things you cannot have. You're drooling, not making a list. LOL

The way you describe her breaking is superb.
The craving for something sweet was unbearable. I could no longer control my sweet tooth. My body cried out, it had gone into sugar withdrawal. I had to indulge myself and get some sugar. Something inside of me snapped; I had hit the breaking point. This was definitely the end of the asshole Atkins diet. This bullshit ends now! I swiftly turned and opened the refrigerator door. I peered into the bowels of the fridge as the cool air sent a shiver running through me. My hands poked inside as I frantically searched for something to fulfill my desire.
Every woman who has ever been on a diet will recognize this. The crazed searching for something sweet, something, anything. You portrayed that very good in my opinion. And very funny.

Some places the main character is not true in her emotions however. At least not to me.
I grimaced in hate and clutched the short dark strands of my hair in frustration.
You can certainly feel hate, but that would be self hate and that does not go well with frustration. To me that is an emotion from a different bottle. Besides, it detracts from the humorous mood.

"Stop teasing me!" I hollered my eyes glazed over almost in tears watching in torment as my stomach growled.
I don't belief in hollering when you are nearly in tears. That would be more something like whispering, pleading or something soft like that. Hollering is something you do from your power.

Another thing is the use of the word hunger. You do not feel hunger, but you can definitely feel the urge for (sweet) things. Stick to craving or addiciton, I would say.

I know you want it to be funny and you'll probably get loads of female readers on this one. But you could easily scare them off with this:
The self-loathing about my body image that had always burdened me vanished instantly.
Hah, we wish that feeling could vanish instantly.

Lying Eyes said:
Here it goes...

Flashbacks: Was it a mistake on my part to put them in? Should I have deleted them? Do you understand why I put them in? It was a last minute addition and I dont know if I did the right thing including them. Probably could of least have written something better.
Not to me, but I would build a bit more reflection into it. Tell us more about how she feels/felt.
Seduction: Some advice for my pevious piece was the character suddenly turning and having lesbian feelings was too rushed. I tried to slow the pace this time before the character finaly submited towards the other woman. Did I drag it out too long?
Again, not to me. But what goes on in her head? She never even questions herself, her feelings, she just floats along. Too much so for my taste.
Humour: Originaly was suppose to be entirely a light hearted tale. Does the humour work? Does any part actually make you grin or smile? Does it seem corny or stupid? Does the humour clash too much with the more sombre side to the story?
I thought you had some very funny pieces in it. I think you could have done more bits like the piece I quoted on her frantic search of the fridge.

As always, it's merely the opinion of one. In this case a seasoned dieting female. Take whatever is useful and leave the rest behind.

Assuming you can find something useful in all of this.

;)
 
Reading your story, I took away from it that you have a good grasp how to write. The first part when she is by herself moves in and out of different depths and motions pretty good. Humor, character movement, while driving the story along. Quirks and past thoughts interwoven.

Just reading great blocks of story without weaving in dialog, movement, past thoughts, and scene descriptions is boring. In the first part when she is alone I see you doing alot of good stuff with that.

But it feels to me as though you start losing that when it comes to the sex. Then it is, she did this, she did that in large blocks, no texture or movement etc.

Also, for some reason I felt your dialog was off. It just seemed what they said was not how I would except them to word it.


Flashbacks: Was it a mistake on my part to put them in? Should I have deleted them? Do you understand why I put them in? It was a last minute addition and I don't know if I did the right thing including them. Probably could of least have written something better.

(The flashbacks added flavor, and I was glad they were there.)


Seduction: Some advice for my previous piece was the character suddenly turning and having lesbian feelings was too rushed. I tried to slow the pace this time before the character finally submitted toward the other woman. Did I drag it out too long?

(No, I do not think you dragged it out too long by any means however it did not come across as any kind of seduction to me at all. More like a bossy roommate being a harsher dominating figure for some reason.)


Humor: Originally was suppose to be entirely a light hearted tale. Does the humor work? Does any part actually make you grin or smile? Does it seem corny or stupid? Does the humor clash too much with the more sombre side to the story?

(When you have words like snarl and seething with anger and yelling, and "put that up your fucking crab-free ass" in the first paragraph it does not lend toward humor. I did not take this story as overly humorous, so it did not clash with anything to me.


Hope that helps some,
Omni~
 
Ok I read the other critiques, and I just wanted to say I agree with Dr M and Mylons on the mechanics of the story. As I read I kept thinking in many places> indent the paragraph here would make it much better.

As Dr M said I think fresh eyes of a editor would help this alot, because there is some winning descriptions in this that one would not want to lose, but bring out more.


Omni ~
 
Hey LE,

Your story was quite good. I agree with everything everybody else already said, especially about adjectives and adverbs. One thing you may want to watch is varying sentence structure. Try to make each sentence a bit different from the one before it. Read your sentences out loud and make sure they sound good together, and they flow into each other. I always have problems with this.

Also, when you're writing in the first person, it's tempting to describe the narrator, but is it really necessary? In this context it is because she's noticing how different she looks after losing weight. That fits. But usually it's distracting.

Something I ntoice a little of is characters acting without motivation. This always irritates me and this story isn't bad about it, but even in short fiction, I want to know why these people are doing what they do. Your story does make a good explanation of why this girl has gone on this horrible punishing diet, but a little more explanation might have satisfied me more. What are the characters doing? Why do they do it? How are they achieving it? Of all these questions WHY is the most important one for me.

I liked the humor, but it was just a little too dramatic for me. I know people who've had "Atkins attacks" and they're pretty desperate. You want to shove a bagel in their mouth.

I also question the statement that one person's validation made her lifetime of self-doubt go out the window. I don't think that's realistic. Maybe a little surge in self-esteem but complete self-love all the sudden?

I like the story though. I gave it a 5.
Love carson
 
Thank you Black Tulip, Omni and carsonshepherd. Your comments are very interesting and gave me allot to think about.

Note, I have never been on the Atkins diet so I wasn't writing from experience.

And thanks carsonshepherd for the Public comment :)
 
There are many good comments, above, about mechanics and other issues.

I'd just add some overall impressions. It's best after the beginning in the early parts, like licking syrup off the floor. It has humor, there, for me.

I find the thing gets heavy in the second part, as all the details of her eating her roommate are given. I think the pace slows, while you overdo the 'porn' thing.

The turn around is a little contrived, but of course one expects it to come. I suppose. It's as if *both have to be totally drawn into lesbian (esp oral) sex by the end.

Might it not have ended with Olivia's lapping the roommate to orgasm? If not, maybe less symmetry. More celery, maybe!
The licking thing has been done, how about a bit of 'object use.'

I think perhaps the original goal got lost in the complexities. Or you became concerned to show sexual fulfillment of both, in similar fashion, in lavish ('graphic'=porn) detail. More surprising and fresh would be that at least one is NOT totally 'lesbian fulfilled' at the end; after all, it's only an hour. Leave Olivia wondering about her strange enjoyment of a celery stalk in her ass.

But, with editing and pruning, even as is, it has the makings of a funny story. Just make sure the plane 'lifts off', not gets stuck at the end of the runway because of the weight of excess baggage.
 
Thanks for the coments Pure.

I guess I could of ended it with Olivia's orgasm. Though from past feedback on my previous piece one of the criticism's was both characters didn't orgasm so I wanted to make sure I wrote that in.

But I think I understand your point about less symmetry. Put some more sexual variety into the story.
 
I think your story idea is a cute one—the humor of trying to resist one kind of desire and that weakness being exploited in a kind of sexual bribery.

I’ll agree with what some of the others have already mentioned re: first-person narration and self-description and say that it doesn’t work for me. Even going beyond critiques about things like the narrator referring to her own “full lips,” describing actions, such as

"I grimaced in hate"

don't seem to work—it’s as if the narrator has levitated outside her body and is watching herself. Perhaps a description of emotion-driven physical sensation would be more appropriate—feeling the hate drive up the blood pressure, the adrenaline, etc.

Regarding the treatment of the diet nightmare of cravings and boredom, I don’t have any specific advice, but one of the most brilliant executions of this that I’ve seen was in the film “Requiem for a Dream.” Though the film was rather harrowing, there was a lot of humor blended with anxiety in the mother’s struggle to lose weight.

In this paragraph:

"Then, I saw it stored away deep in the corner of the fridge...I read the words labeled on the small plastic bottle, "Elmira Farms, Maple Syrup, Product of Canada." I struggled to read the French words written underneath, "Sirop D'Erable, produit du Canada." ...I closely inspected the label on the container. It had a small picture of a maple leaf with a few words in small print reading, "Canada No 1 Medium and U.S. Grade A Dark Amber." "

The momentum of your story seems to fade with too many quotes from the bottle label. Since the sweetness is the narrator’s weakness, it might be more relevant to focus on that—the way the color makes her taste buds come alive in anticipation, or the way the thick liquid shifts lazily inside the bottle making her think how it will coat her tongue and feel in her mouth.

On a positive note, I was amused by the rather creative syrup injection paragraph.
 
Super newbie dipping my toes into the forum. Howdy, all.

I won't go into a heavy critique of style, as I see that's already been thoroughly explored.

Interesting story line, and one close to my heart.

Just wanted to toss out a couple of tidbits in the event you choose to pen a sequel.

Having been a low carb convert now for almost 2 years (with NO cheating, even!), I can report that: (a) I've been told that I taste even yummier -- sweeter, oddly enough; and (b) it has done really phenomenal things to my libido.

If there's any such thing as an aphrodisiac diet, I'd say this is it.

All the best,

"impressive" (Humble, I ain't.)

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=256465&page=submissions
 
I'm shocked that two literotica virgins (3 and 0 previous posts) decided to take the plunge on my piece! :eek:

Thank you very much Varian P and impressive for the comments.

Alot of great points Varian P,

Self-description in first person, I'm now trying to stop myself from doing this. The problem is if there isn't a mirror handy, how do you get discriptions like eye color into the story?

Your right about the label, I do get carried away sometimes with discriptions that are clearly not necessary.

impressive, thankyou for letting me know
this:

(a) I've been told that I taste even yummier -- sweeter, oddly enough; and (b) it has done really phenomenal things to my libido.
If there's any such thing as an aphrodisiac diet, I'd say this is it.

Eventually I'll try to edit the story and I would like to incorporate these comments into the piece. It kind of fits well into the story, it further explains why she submits sexualy to her roommate (increased libido due to diet) and the roommate can remark surprised on how sweet she tastes.
 
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