Grassroots Discussion: Black Tulip, 6/20/04

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Fiel a Verdad
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Dec 20, 2001
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{I believe this may be called a 'work in progress'}

Character play - Scene 1
by Black Tulip

"Damn, damn, damn." If it hadn't been too childish I would have kicked something across my office. Now, I had to be content with slamming the door shut with all the force I could muster. "Stupid bitch." I was much too angry to sit down so I grabbed a cigarette, lit it and started walking back and forth. Luckily my office was big enough to allow me some space to do so.

What the hell was going on? This morning I came down to the office happy as can be. Business was booming, a new video production was about to take off and I had just hired myself a gorgeous new script girl who didn't mind my feeling her up a bit. Of course she hoped I would give her a part in a movie some day soon. Hell, they all did. And sometimes I even did, but not before I had tested their potential, in a manner of speaking.

The thought of Jessica in the outer office calmed me down a bit and I finally settled behind my desk, drumming my fingers as I gazed out the big window. The shooting was scheduled to start tomorrow and all that was left to do was the finishing touch to the set, the last runthrough with the costumes - well, what there was of it - and a final walkthrough of the script with the stars. I felt my blood pressure rising again and groaned out loud. Both leading actors had cancelled the meeting. I punched the intercom.

"Jessica, get David for me on the phone and then get your ass in here."

"David? Vassily, here. What the fuck is going on."

Jessica came in and I gestured her onto the couch. I had to make an effort to concentrate on David's drivel as she sank down lower than she anticipated and her legs flew in the air. It never failed and I grinned at the flash of her panties. She was quick, that girl, and gave me a knowing look before grinning back. With a coy look on her face she smoothed her short skirt and pressed her knees closed.

"What? Come again." I suddenly paid a lot more attention to the voice on the other end of the line. "David, are you telling me she won't work with you because she thinks you're a wimp?" I shook my head at the stupidity of the guy. "Be in my office in an hour. I'll fix that, my friend."

For a moment I gazed at Jessica without really seeing her. As I focused on her I laughed softly. "Jess, have you ever called a guy a wimp?"

She nodded. "Why? What did you mean by that?" She shrugged and pushed her glasses up on her nose. That was one of the reasons I had hired her. Those glasses looked so incongruous on her angel face and certainly didn't match with her bombshell body. What can I say, I'm a sucker for contrasts.

Jessica cleared her throat. "Well, I had this boyfriend once, and he was always asking if it was all right to do this, or do that, or would I mind if..." She sighed and lifted her shoulders. "He never did anything on his own. He was always asking ... permission." Seeing me nod in understanding she went on. "I like a guy to take the initiative, you know."

Oh, yes, I did know. I knew exactly what she meant and it confirmed my suspicion about her. Jessica definitely liked to be told what to do. "You met Carmen Lunetta?" She smiled and nodded her head enthusiastically, not yet used to rubbing elbows with the rich and famous of the porn industry. "Is she like you? Likes to be told?"

It really was a rhetorical question. I had known Carmen a long time but it was too good an opportunity to learn more about Ms. Jessica. "Come here." I gestured to a spot near my desk and watched her struggle for a moment with my switch from equals in a discussion to something entirely else. "Now, Jessica."

With interest I saw her big blue eyes widen even more as the blood rushed to her face. She walked over to the spot I had indicated and I was pleased to see the coy look had vanished. Her head was held high but she looked unsure as she stood with her hands clasped in front of her. For a few moments I just let her stand there, studying the luscious body and the short blond curls that danced around her face.

She bit her lip and I could see her breathing speeding up. Yes, Jessica definitely liked to be told. "Well? Do you think Carmen would like to be told as well?"

"Yes, I think she does." She hesitated for a moment. "Are you going to?"

"No. David is. You got the script with you?" I held out my hand. "Good. Now, sit and think along."

I would have loved to push her a bit more, but business before pleasure. There would be time enough after I had solved this crisis. Shaking my head I quickly brought Jessica up-to-date on the unbelievable timidity of my leading star. God, how was it possible? The guy was a stud, the perfect picture of manliness, but did he act the part? Jeez. What a spineless wuss.

It took us maybe half an hour and I had every reason to be proud of myself. Not only was Jessica very pleasant on the eyes, she had a sound head on her shoulders as well. Once she understood what I wanted she came up with some pretty nice suggestions.

"Good. Now type it out for David, then go to my place. Here's the key. Take Lew and Morone with you and set the place up."

Jessica left the door ajar and I could hear her hammering at her keyboard, working fast to get the new script ready. I checked my watch, still twenty minutes before David would show up and I started to plan my conversion of him. Lighting another cigarette I gazed out of the window again. Slowly I felt a smile form on my face, turning into a big grin. Oh yes, I thought, I could get him into my camp. With my left hand I hooked the phone over, punched Carmen's number and told her to be at my house at five for drinks and dinner.

Of course it was a lowball trick, but I chuckled all the same when I tried to imagine the scene I had planned. As David knocked on the door I stabbed out my umpteenth cigarette of the day and beckoned him in.

"Take a seat. Drink?"

He nodded and I fixed him a Vodka with ice, pouring myself a glass of water. You couldn't tell the difference, but I would sure know it. After handing him his drink, I leaned against my desk, lifted my glass to him and took a sip.

"Here's to bitches."

David hesitated at that, he was such a pathetic gentleman, so damn p.c. I could see he needed a lot of goading to make him mad enough and insulted enough to want to take revenge. Show her he was not the sissy she had made him out to be. I shrugged, never mind that. I had still two hours and some Vodka left to get him there.

"Come on, David. Don't tell me you liked it. You must have felt some resentment? I mean, she actually called you a wimp?"

I could see the color rise in his face at my mocking tone. Good, he felt uncomfortable. "So, what are you going to do about it?"

"Do? What do you mean, do about it?" The poor sod sounded almost indignant.

"Well, you're not going to let her get away with it, are you? Jeez, the woman is blocking your way to earn your fee man." His eyes suddenly looked up to me. I couldn't fucking believe it. The idiot had not even realized that yet. "And for what? Because you treated her like a lady? That's crazy." I held his eyes as I took another sip, and he mirrored my actions faultlessly.

"You know something. I hadn't thought of that." His voice sounded very surprised. "I should do something about that, shouldn't I?" The look on his face was that of a kid desperately trying to earn the approval of the teacher.

"Yes, I think you should." I lifted my glass and again he followed my lead.

A look at my watch showed me I had been at him for more than an hour and boy, did I need to take a leak. All that water was nearly coming out of my ears, but the same amount of Vodka had David nice and pliable. Add to that my uplifting words and we were nearly ready to go.

Coming back from the bathroom I let him see how I suddenly got a great idea.

"You really want to get back at her? I just thought of something."

"You have?"

But you have to be really sure. I don't want to make you do something you'll regret later, David."

"No, no of course not. What is it?"

"Well..." I hesitated for a moment. "No, I don't think..." I shook my head and looked at him with a concerned look on my face.

"What? Come on, Vassily, what?"

"Carmen is coming over to my place tonight." I looked at my watch in surprise. "In fact she'll be there in half an hour." I lit another cigarette, inhaled deeply and let the smoke slowly escape again. "You could come with me." I watched the smoke drift up to the ceiling. "Show her you have balls after all."

"What do you mean? Show her? How?"

"David, David, David. You're such a gentle man." I laughed my own short bark. "A real gentleman." I shut down my computer, collected my things and started to get into my jacket. "Haven't you been listening? If you want to show her you are not a wimp, you have to be forceful. Believe me, she'll like that."

I walked to the door and turned to look at David. "I'm leaving now. You're welcome to come along. You can even use my house if you want to."

Not really able to hide my grin completely, I preceded David out of the building on his way to play a role in my latest production. As I walked across the parking lot I tried to decide what to do next. Should I tell him of Jessica and her assignment? Or should I leave him in the dark? The sound of his voice startled me out of my pondering.

"Vassily? Can I ask you something? Your house ... you said I could use your house. What did you mean by that?"

"I told you, she's coming over to my place for drinks and dinner. So..." I left my answer hanging and unlocked me car first, slid behind the wheel and opened the passenger door before finishing my sentence. "...you could come along. No time like the present."

David hesitated very briefly, just long enough to adjust his sunglasses and then he folded his tall frame in the seat next to me. A swift glance to my right showed me he looked actually thoughtful. Honest, I mean, who would've expected that classic head to have a real-life working brain!

Whistling softly I eased the car into the flow of traffic, waiting to continue working on him some more till we left the inner city behind us. I grinned and winked at a woman next to us at a traffic light. She blushed and smiled back.

"Jeez, how do you do that? You're not even handsome. Eh...well ... you know what I mean."

"Relax, David, relax." I almost patted him on the head like a little boy. "I've been trying to tell you for the past hour. It's all about attitude, confidence does it every time."

I lit another cigarette and figured it was time for the last round. We were nearly out of the city and it would take us no more than a quarter of an hour to reach my house on the beach.

"So, David, tell me. What would you like to do? What would your prefect revenge look like?"

In that instant I knew what I had to do. I would try to steer him in the right direction as much as possible, but I wouldn't let him in on my little plans.

"Aw, I don't know, Vassily. Maybe I should ignore it."

"Sure, she'll know you are a wimp then. She won't play her part and that means I have to look for another couple. It would piss me off David, it sure would. But I won't lose any money over it. You will though."

A quick little arithmetic had me almost grinning like the big bad wolf. I could afford to up his fee if tonight was going the way I had it planned.

"Is she worth ten thou to you?"

It was really hard to keep from laughing out loud as he nearly choked. Stupid asshole. I'd make ten times that if he were man enough to show Carmen her place.

"So, I ask again. What would be your ultimate payback?"

The silence stretched for minutes as I let him fantasize for a bit. A glance at his crotch showed me he was definitely thinking in the right direction. If that were not a hard-on in his pants, I'd be willing to kiss his arse instead of Jessica's. Or Carmen's for that matter.

"Go on, you can tell me. I can see you want to screw her." The chuckle escaped me before I could stop it.

"Jesus, Vassily, you really are a dirty bastard."

I picked up my whistling again as I figured he was in the final stages of trying to resist. Let him stew some more and he was raring to go. Too bad I couldn't think of an appropriate song right now. Something with I'll screw you all night would have been nice.

Still whistling I pulled over and stopped the car at a sighting point. The road was following the cliffs and this was the highest point, giving you a great view of the ocean and the waves breaking on a sandbank a couple of miles out. It was also a 5-minute drive from my house, so I had to push David into action now or forget about my little extra.

"Well? Going to swallow and be a good little wimp?"

David's face turned a satisfying shade of red at my goading. I even saw his hands turn into fists. My, my, my, he seemed to have some balls after all. I knew it then, before he opened that moneymaking pussy-eating mouth of his.

"Dammit, Vassily, I'm not a wimp. And I won't take that kind of crap either." I could see he was working himself up, which was fine by me of course. "You know what? I'll take you up on your offer. I'll teach her a lesson... will you help me?"

"Um, I don't know. What do you have in mind?" God, it was hard to keep from laughing out loud.

For the first time since we left my office, he actually looked me in the face. The famous blue eyes had a determined sparkle in them and his handsome face looked almost as devilish as my own.

"I want to take her down a peg or two, so I figured ... if I force her to my will ... can I do that in front of you? Would you mind? I mean ... I know you see all as an art director, but this is personal..."

The poor son of a bitch couldn't even figure this one out. Why the fuck did he think I had offered him the use of my house to do it? I nearly groaned at so much obtuseness.

"If you think that will help?"

It was nearly impossible to keep a straight face, but I managed. Hell, maybe I could be an actor after all. Nah, I'd much rather stick to directing. Business, people, as long as I was the one to pull the strings I'd be a happy man. After a last look at the ocean, I drove off, heading for my house with all its delights. And that reminded me.

"There's someone at the house, David. Hope you don't mind, but I asked Jessica to run some errands for me. Since you'll be there as well, I think it looks better if she stays too. Make it look like dinner for four."

He swallowed the lie, hook, line and sinker. It was nearly robbing me of my pleasure, the way he innocently believed in my good will. For a minute I wondered if he even knew my nickname in the business was Mephisto. It was hardly likely, I mean, if he did he would have to have an inkling of why, wouldn't he? Or did he think it was because of my dark hair and eyes and the carefully cultivated goatee?

As soon as I parked the car the door to the large sprawling villa opened and Jessica stood waiting for us. She was still in her office suit as I had instructed her and I started my next move right away.

"Hello Jessica, have you met David Michaels? David, my new assistant/script girl/whatever, Jessica Wollington."

They shook hands and Jessica looked properly awed to be face to face with the current Adonis of porn.

"Jess, David will stay for dinner too. Will you do me a favor and make it a foursome? I know, you're not dressed for it. No problem sweetheart. I'll show you the guestrooms; you're bound to find something to wear. I sometimes use this place as a set and there'll be some dresses floating around."

David believed the tale and as he settled in the living room I accompanied Jessica to the guestroom where she had parked her things, just like I had told her to.

"All's set?" I closed the door behind us and eyed a slightly nervous Jessica. "Cameras, lighting? The boys have all they need in the backroom? Good."

As she stood near the bed, waiting for me to leave her alone, I sprang my first surprise.

"Show me your dress." She opened her mouth but I cut in before she could say anything. "It has to look like something from a porn vid, hasn't it?"

Her face told me she knew she had been conned. I had already noticed before, she was a clever girl. But, what was far more interesting, she didn't seem to mind all that terribly. She went through the motions of unpacking her dress and holding it up for my inspection but she already knew I would veto it. I did, it was nice enough but way too decent.

I left her with a tingle beginning in my stomach. Mephisto was doing it again. She had been very reluctant, but it took only a small amount of pressure to make her accept the gauzy black nothing I had picked out for her. It took some effort to take my mind off picturing her in it. I had to make a quick trip to the boys in the backroom though, giving them their last instructions and making sure for myself. Telling them to focus on the living room and the dining room and taping everything and everybody was a matter of minutes. We agreed it would be best to focus on view. We could always put the sound in later, if necessary with other voices. This was going to be fun, I just knew it.

A look at my watch told me it was about time for Carmen to arrive and I hoped Jessica was not your typical female, needing an hour or more to dress. I had told her to hurry, but I didn't know her well enough yet. For all I knew she would want to soak in a bath instead of grabbing a shower. Ah yes, that was next on my list.

"Say David, would you like to freshen up a bit? A quick shower and shave?"

It really was child's play to push that guy around. With him out of the way for a bit it would be easier to get Carmen relaxed before she was confronted with him. As if she had been waiting for me to think of her, I heard someone knock. No doubt the sultry Carmen Lunetta. I grinned as I walked over and opened the door to let her in.

"Ahh, Vassily, as sexy as ever."

Who did she think she was kidding with that throaty voice of hers? She would try to get me on her side, not knowing I had already spoken with David. I smiled, hell I positively beamed at her.

"Carmen, gorgeous, let me kiss you."

I kissed her soundly on the lips and pressed her lithe body hard against mine. She was nearly as tall as me in her high heels and she pushed her hips against my crotch, trying to feel if I was stiffening for her. I pulled back before she could find out and directed her to the huge leather couch, right in front of camera nr. 1. That would be a nice spot, at least to start.

"Drink? The usual?"

Above the clink of ice cubes I heard heels clicking and I turned to watch Jessica come in. Now that had me stiffening in no time. She was not as tall as Carmen but she had more curves on her and the black shift I had picked out, clung to her breasts and hips in a very enticing way. It was nearly see-through and the hint of black lingerie underneath made my mouth water, just as the glimpses of her thighs showing in the slits up the sides.

"Jessica, want a drink too?" I handed Carmen her whiskey with ice and ignored her questioning look for the moment.

Lastly I poured myself a glass of wine and turned to look at both women. Dark haired, grey-eyed Carmen looked like a sleek cat on the couch in a vivid red skirt that seemed glued to her slender body and a red and white striped bodice modeled like a bustier, pushing her small breasts up. Blond haired, blue-eyed Jessica looked more like a lost captive in the sultan's harem with her lush body in the black gauzy caftan-like dress, not in the least by the look on her face. She knew something was up, only not what.

Carmen was not a very patient woman and I had counted on her taking the initiative. She didn't disappoint me.

"Why is she here? I thought we were going to have an intimate dinner for two." She actually pouted, as if she had been looking forward to a date, with me. Really, did she think I was demented? I had kicked her out a long time ago.

"No, we are not. You are here because we need to talk. About the production sweetheart. That's why Jessica is here as well. You know very well she's my script girl, so quit the act." My voice was soft but I knew both could hear the steel in it. "We will have dinner in a while. But we will first address your problems with your co-star. Start talking."

"Vassily, really, there's no need to be so stern. You know I'll do anything for you. It's just that David is so, so... you know." She shrugged and her breasts nearly fell out of the bodice. It didn't do a thing for me. The hidden treasures of Jessica were far more alluring at that moment.

"No, I don't know. So what?"

"Come one, Carmen. Tell him what I am. You told me clear enough."

The look on her face was priceless as she swiveled her head to the sound of David's voice. She narrowed her eyes and shot a venomous look in my direction.

"What are you up to? Vassily? What is he doing here?"

"Shut up, bitch."

David had obviously given his role some thought and I didn't have to say a word. All I had to do was sit down and enjoy the show. Well, not quite. As I sank down on one of the two smaller couches I beckoned Jessica over.
She hesitated for a moment, my frown however was enough to make her pick up her drink and sit down next to me. Too far away for my taste but that would change soon if it was up to me. And it was, I thought and suppressed a grin.

"Oh pulease, David, don't be stupid. You don't think a little playacting will make you a real man, now, do you?"

God, the woman really was a bitch and I looked at David to see how he would take that. I wholeheartedly approved of the way he did.

"I said: shut - up - bitch." He wound his hand in her long hair and with each word he tugged her head a bit further back till her throat was stretched as far as it would go. "Who says I'm play-acting? You don't know that, do you?"

She tried to pry his fingers loose and when she couldn't she obviously decided on another tactic. "Vassily? Please make him behave. You're not going along..." I could see the dime falling in the slot. "Damn you. You always were a dominating bastard. What did you do to him? He's not like you."

I merely chuckled. She knew perfectly well that I liked to dominate. That was one of the reasons I kicked her out. She never learned to obey me properly. Ignoring Jessica's surprise I sipped from my wine. It would be best to let Jessica stew for a bit. It wouldn't do to make my move too soon. Let her get heated up a bit first by the entertainment of my two top actors.

"No? I think it's time to show you what I'm like. A wimp, wasn't that what you called me?" When she gave no answer he tugged on her hair till she yelped. "Wasn't it?"

"Yes, yes, I'm sorry. Please, you're hurting me."

"So? Why shouldn't I?"

David gave another jerk and I could see he was starting to enjoy himself. His face got a bit flushed and I thought I could detect a light film of sweat appearing as well. Oh yes, he was definitely on a power rush. I narrowed my eyes and watched him intently. I had no intention of letting him hurt her for real, so I had been watching for signs that his anger would be replaced with arousal. It looked as if he was not going to let me down.

With her hair still around his hand he held her head back and bent down to lick her lips, not kissing her but deliberately tasting her with his tongue. There was nothing of sharing in it and I smiled in approval. I watched him lick a path down her throat and felt myself tense in anticipation as he reached her bodice. He licked along the neckline before he hooked his fingers in and started unlacing the front.

"What are you doing? Stop it." Carmen was getting a bit frantic. Probably because she was realizing he was dead serious and she knew I would do nothing to stop him. "Jessica, please. Make them stop."

I shook my head at that. Did she really think I would let Jessica interfere? A glance to the side showed me a wide-eyed girl, her mouth slightly open as she looked at me. After looking over at David and Carmen, I slid across the couch and wrapped my arm around her shoulders.

"Do not even think about it. Unless you want to be punished of course." My breath stirred the tiny blond curls in her neck and I couldn't resist a quick nip behind her jaw. She yelped but my arm held her in place and I licked beneath her ear. I felt her stiffen and grinned.

Jessica balled her fists and closed her eyes for a moment. She understood she was to be part of the fun as well, I guessed. I gave her a small hug and looked back at David and Carmen, my fingers stroking her shoulder.

David had not released Carmen's hair and as her head was bent back, her upper body was trust forward, making it very easy for him to untie the laces. She tried to stop him, but one tug at her hair sent her hands flying up to his fist, leaving his other hand free to flick the bodice aside, baring her relatively small breasts with the huge pink nipples.

It was not as if he hadn't seen them before. Hell, they had made over ten movies together. But this was for real, no play-acting, no make believe and no camera's, well as far as they knew. I sighed with contentment, they were right in front of the camera behind the painting on the wall and another camera took them from the side, picking up Jessica and me as well.

"David, please...you're scaring me."

"Shut up Carmen. How can you be scared of me? I'm a wimp, remember? You said so yourself." He grinned with his own cleverness. "One more word out of you and I will have to hurt you."

I seriously doubted that he could, but Carmen seemed to believe him. At least she shut up and closed her eyes as well. Maybe she thought she could make it all go away if she couldn't see it. I don't know. All it did however was making her jump all the harder because she didn't see his next move coming.

A loud laugh escaped me, I couldn't help it. With a swift movement David slipped the bodice over her arms that were still up in the air, trying to keep his fist from tugging at her hair. Before she understood his intent he had the halves of the bodice wrapped around her wrists and he used the laces to tie her arms nice and secure. All she could do was move her arms up or down and now David had both hands free.

Carmen shot me a killer look but that made me laugh even harder. She looked adorable and I told her so. Maybe she had never liked to be dominated, but she sure as hell liked to be looked at. I could tell the situation was getting to her. Her nipples started to harden and her breathing was getting faster.

"All right David, go for it boy." I lifted my glass and silently toasted Carmen before savoring a mouthful of the excellent Merlot.

I felt Jessica trying to wriggle from under my arm and I turned to look at her. Too bad she wore her hair in short curls, not much there to get a grip on, but enough for me to turn her face in my direction. I looked her over and I really liked what I saw. Her face was showing a rosy blush, her eyes were definitely sparkling and her breathing was a lot faster than earlier in the day. I dropped my gaze to look at her body and her nipples were visible peaks beneath the thin black gauze. Further down, the slit in the gown showed her lightly tanned leg and without thinking my other hand slid from her knee to her thigh, pushing the dress to the side, caressing the silky skin.

With a sigh I realized I had to make a choice here. Either I started seducing Jessica in earnest or I kept watching David working on Carmen. I could not possibly have both, damn.
 
Right, this feels kind of scary as it is a story that's not yet finished.
I think it is not a typical Lit story, but I don't mind that. This was more a try to make it entertaining to be inside someone's head. Is it fun to know the thoughts of a sleazeball?

So, that's what I want to know first of all: is it entertaining to read? Regardless of the Lit population.

Second question: do you believe the main character is a male? I never tried first person pov, so maybe there will be comments on that too?

Question 3: is the manipulation, the goading of the second character believable?

Last question: I had so much fun writing that it took forever to get to the sex. Should I make it one (long) story and paste the part with the sex at the end or should I make that a Scene 2?

Any other remarks/tips/hints are of course welcome.
 
Hello there, BT. :)

I read this one yesterday. I've had to think about it a bit. I re-read it this morning.

First of all, you write very nicely. It goes down easy. You have a definite style and a grasp of language that doesn't get in the way of the story your trying to tell, and that's really nice. You're dialogue is very good, and in my experience that's a fairly rare thing to find at Lit. At no point did I find myself thinking, "These people wouldn't say that!" You should be proud of that. The characterization is good, you add little details that bring out the reality of what's happening without bogging down the story with them, and I never found myself bored.

That said, it was easy for me to suspend my disbelief around the world you created, my only issue is that the world you created isn't exactly.... right. Don't get me wrong, it's good, and it'll make for a fairly interesting story once the sex is actually inserted, but here are a couple things to think about:

1.) You can write off any legitimacy I might have ever had because of this, but I am somewhat knowledgeable about the porn industry. I even have a few friends in the industry, have visited a couple studios, have reviewed movies, and I interact with both performers and producers of porn on a regular basis. What you have set up here is PLAUSIBLE, but I can't help but thinking that you could have created an equally despicable character (even more despicable) in a context that is actually more believable and interesting. Porn is certainly not all sunshine and daffodills... not by a long shot, but just as in any industry where there's money to be made there are good people and bad people.

The talk of money, and the narrators revelation that he could make $100,000 on one dominant sex scene with the right performers is... well stretching it. Another thing is that David would never make it in porn. He certainly wouldn't have risen to a place of huge notoriety by being a wimp on camera. Men in porn are generally... very under-rated by producers and fans alike. No matter how good they look, if they can't perform sexually both in traditional and "rougher" scenes, they'll never be hired. On the other hand, there are very very few true female stars in porn that would have the enough notoriey to make a specific pairing or a specific type of scene worth any more to a producer than the same scene with fresh talent. In fact, in the context of your story, only one person in the real world really comes to mind who would fill the role of Carmen, and your story acts as if the "rich and famous" of the porn industry are much more common place than this.

Then there's the question of taping the upcoming scene from hidden locations and actually expecting to have anything that would be worth selling. This is the kind of thing I see in erotic stories all the time, and something I'm certainly guilty of myself. It's one thing to tape something like this for blackmail purposes, etc, but you'd never get usable, saleable porn footage from static, hidden locations around a room--certainly nothing of anywhere NEAR good enough quality to satisfy porn consumers, who want closeups, interactive cameras, and want to feel that they are a part of the action. Then of course there's the question of model release forms, etc, but that I can understand given that this guy is a bit of a sleazeball.

I don't know. I won't belabor the points more than I already have, but the whole environment just didn't "feel" right to me, and I found that to be a bit of a bummer, not because there aren't sleazeballs in porn, and not because your story isn't believable on many levels, but because the details, the environment, and motivations just aren't quite right.

2.) To me... the stakes weren't high enough. These are porn performers. They're used to this kind of thing. Carmen didn't get to be a big star without paying her dues. The premise of getting a good scene because they don't know the cameras are there is a really good one. Lord knows porn has its issues simply BECAUSE there is a camera there, but ultimately it's still just two porn performers having sex, even if they don't think a camera is watching them, there isn't anything that they're about to do that they haven't done 100 times before. It would have been more interesting to me if there was something more at stake here. Something that one of them HASN'T done before. In fact, the most interesting character to me is Jessica--merely because she's the inexperienced one here. She's the one who's going to discover something, who is really going to question her role in this whole affair. She's the one for whom the stakes are highest in a sexual sense, and I guess in a way, she's the one whose perspective I'D like to see the story told from.

Blah blah blah. MLyons' useless crap. (tm)

Let me get to answering your questions:

1.) Is it an entertaining read / is it fun to know the thoughts of a sleazeball.

Yes. It's definitely interesting. I never skimmed, and I was never bored. Nice writing, nice flow. It is fun to know the thoughts of a sleazeball, but for me, he wasn't quite enough of one. The stakes just weren't high enough, and the focus of his manipulation seemed a bit mis-placed to me. But I'm getting ahead of myself. :)

2.) Do you believe the main character is a male?

Yes. Absolutely. You did a good job with this. I wished I could have seen the sex scene play out though. :) His behavior toward Jessica while the sex was beginning was a bit strange to me--thoughts of "seduction", etc. I didn't want him to "seduce" her. I wanted him to take her. Now, if he gets his comeuppance at the end, all the better. I'm all for it... but if he's a sleazeball, make him a sleazeball. I got the sense that you might back out a bit on that. But that's just me... and my tastes. You may have had different and better things in mind.

3.) Is the manipulation / goading of the second character believable?

Well, yes and no. The dialogue was great. Within the world you'd created, the manipulation was believable, but again, I had trouble with much of the premise in the first place. I've already covered most of why, so I won't beat a dead horse. But yes for the most part, I thought this was very well done. Again, to me, the main disappointment was that there just wasn't enough tension to hang my hat on. Jessica was the character I was most interested in, and at least so far, this doesn't seem to be a story about Jessica. Ah well... :)

4.) Should I make it one (long) story and paste the part with the sex at the end, or should I make that a scene 2?

I think you should make it one long story. I was REARIN' to see the stories completion by the time it cut off, and I think it would interrupt the flow if you seperated it out. That's just my take though.

OK... NOW--my disclaimer. I LIKED this story. I really did, and I'm really anxious to see what you do with it once you incorporate what you want to from this discussion. My issues with it were a matter of... my own knowledge and experience, and I don't presume to tell you what you want to write. Take my comments or leave them. My thoughts on the realities of the porn industry certainly don't have to enter into your story. You do a very good job of establishing the rules and playing by them, but I do think it would be a better story if you had managed to capture the feel of what it's like to shoot and perform sex for a living a little better. You do what you want. This is a good story, and I'll read it in it's finished form either way. :)

Hope this was at least partially useful to you.
 
MLyons,

Thank you very much. Your comments are very valuable to me. What you said about the porn biz? I know zilch about that, but then you spotted that. LOL
And I hardly ever watch it as I find words far more arousing.

This story started out as another challenge, one in which the setup of porn was given. Funny thing, I never thought to change that to something else, but there's nothing preventing me from doing that.

I'll see what other comments come my way, but it is a definite possibility.

About the sleazeball bit, I was afraid I was overdoing it.
And I'm not sure I can make a convincing dominant out of him. You probably picked that up. :D
 
BT,

No I didn't mean to suggest that you should abandon the porn premise at all. In fact, I think it's darned interesting. I mean, it's up to you, but if you're going to write about sex and sleazeballs, porn is certainly rife with possibilities. :p

I liked the set up. It just didn't ring true is all, but then it doesn't exactly have to.

I also liked the that you were writing a less than savory character, and a dominant. I thought you did a nicely convincing job. I just started to lose the feeling when the sex scene finally started, and I would be interested to see how that pans out.

But you know. Make the story what you want it to be. I'm just throwing stuff out there for you to chew on. :)
 
Some of my notes and my thoughts...

Why use the name Vassily? Russian sounding name to me. But he didnt do the typical Russian drinking of vodka instead he drank water disguising it as vodka. If he was Russian I would think he could easily out drink an American before getting drunk. I would prefer if a writer is going to use an unusual ethnic name to give a little background on him or put cultural touches or traits into the story.

Business was booming, a new video production was about to take off and I had just hired myself a gorgeous new script girl who didn't mind my feeling her up a bit. Of course she hoped I would give her a part in a movie some day soon. Hell, they all did. And sometimes I even did, but not before I had tested their potential, in a manner of speaking.

Actually I had no idea this about the porn industry until the mention of Carmen. I thought maybe it was about the B-movie industry that produces low budget films that are sometimes sent straight to video, alot of young actors/actresses are forced to work before they can get established. I was disapointed to tell you the truth since I prefer more real people in a sexual situation then that of porn stars that already have plenty of sex in their lives.

She shrugged and pushed her glasses up on her nose. That was one of the reasons I had hired her. Those glasses looked so incongruous on her angel face and certainly didn't match with her bombshell body. What can I say, I'm a sucker for contrasts.

So am I :) more please.

Shaking my head I quickly brought Jessica up-to-date on the unbelievable timidity of my leading star. God, how was it possible? The guy was a stud, the perfect picture of manliness, but did he act the part? Jeez. What a spineless wuss.

Okay I find it hard to beleive a porn star would be timid. I'm thinking confident and with alot of self control unless he never worked in a porn film before.

A quick little arithmetic had me almost grinning like the big bad wolf. I could afford to up his fee if tonight was going the way I had it planned.

"Is she worth ten thou to you?"

It was really hard to keep from laughing out loud as he nearly choked. Stupid asshole. I'd make ten times that if he were man enough to show Carmen her place.

This talk about money is not very believable. Male porn stars are not known for making very much money. And Carmen acting like a diva doesn't seem too realistic either. I'm thinking only a few female porn actresses have a big enough name that they could act in a manner without risking getting canned. Plenty of replacements in the porn industry.

"Go on, you can tell me. I can see you want to screw her." The chuckle escaped me before I could stop it.

"Jesus, Vassily, you really are a dirty bastard."

Another part that I think was more apropriate for a conventional actor/producer not porn industry.

For a minute I wondered if he even knew my nickname in the business was Mephisto. It was hardly likely, I mean, if he did he would have to have an inkling of why, wouldn't he? Or did he think it was because of my dark hair and eyes and the carefully cultivated goatee?

You lost me here. I'm not familiar with comic book hero/villians. What is Maphisto's special super hero power?

They shook hands and Jessica looked properly awed to be face to face with the current Adonis of porn.

Alot of male porn stars cant exactly be called "Adonis". Looking at just the faces of some of these guys they would be considered more average.

"All's set?" I closed the door behind us and eyed a slightly nervous Jessica. "Cameras, lighting? The boys have all they need in the backroom? Good."

I see where your going with this. Though I think you should of hid this until the very end after the deed was done and left it as a surprising twist to the readers as well as Carmen and David.

I left her with a tingle beginning in my stomach. Mephisto was doing it again.

Mephisto's super power is that he gets queasy? Unleash the power of stomach aches! LOL

"Say David, would you like to freshen up a bit? A quick shower and shave?"

It really was child's play to push that guy around.

Asking someone you invited over to take a shower and shave seems unatural and odd. Unless he just came from jog or was sweating for another reason it wouldnt make much sense and would need a change of clothes in that case anyway. Really odd for a guy to offer another man to shave at his place unless that guy said he really needed to shave.

Blond haired, blue-eyed Jessica looked more like a lost captive in the sultan's harem with her lush body in the black gauzy caftan-like dress, not in the least by the look on her face.

The hidden treasures of Jessica were far more alluring at that moment.

Me too, mmmm... Jessica...

It was not as if he hadn't seen them before. Hell, they had made over ten movies together. But this was for real, no play-acting, no make believe and no camera's, well as far as they knew.

Woopee do, porn stars have sex again. Can't say I'm too intrested in the act of these two characters especialy since they are not new comers to the porn industry.

I lifted my glass and silently toasted Carmen before savoring a mouthful of the excellent Merlot.

Merlot? Doesnt seem the right thing for a sleazy guy to drink.

I looked her over and I really liked what I saw. Her face was showing a rosy blush, her eyes were definitely sparkling and her breathing was a lot faster than earlier in the day. I dropped my gaze to look at her body and her nipples were visible peaks beneath the thin black gauze. Further down, the slit in the gown showed her lightly tanned leg and without thinking my other hand slid from her knee to her thigh, pushing the dress to the side, caressing the silky skin.

With a sigh I realized I had to make a choice here. Either I started seducing Jessica in earnest or I kept watching David working on Carmen. I could not possibly have both, damn.

Jessica, please! I don't care for the other two characters in the story.


Last note. First time using first person perspective? I would of not have guessed this.
 
Lying Eyes,

Thank you for sharing your notes and thoughts. ;)

About Vassily not behaving like your typical Russian, I did that on purpose. LOL

Seems your's is another vote against the setting of the porn industry. I get the feeling that was a major mistake on my part.
I should have stuck to known territory. :D

You lost me here. I'm not familiar with comic book hero/villians. What is Maphisto's special super hero power?
Sorry, I don't follow where the comic book is coming from. Mephisto is merely another name for the devil, satan. That's all.

A lot of male porn stars cant exactly be called "Adonis". Looking at just the faces of some of these guys they would be considered more average.
Ah, you got me there. You just stated one of the reasons I do not particularly like to view porn movies. Not only their faces, but their bodies too are no more than average. LOL

Merlot? Doesnt seem the right thing for a sleazy guy to drink.
For me a sleazy guy is more in the mind. You know, the refined type with the sick mind. Maybe that is a female thing?

:devil:
 
Having the story set in the porn industry is not necessarily a mistake, just needs a bit of tweaking to make it more believable. Its my personal preference to deal with characters that don't get sex constantly since I find that more intresting but I'm sure other readers would be very intrested in a story involving the porn world.

As for my Mephisto remarks, I didnt know Mephisto was another name for Satan. I only knew of the name in reference to a comic book villian that I remember almost nothing about. I thought it was some kind of cryptic clue, a hint that Vassiley had some almost super natural talent. And I was actualy quite intrigued on what his "super power" was. Of course I was dead wrong with my thoughts here.
 
ROFL

I never heard of a comic book hero called Mephisto. Seems we're even.

:D
 
Black Tulip said:
I'm afraid it's so awful the rest is afraid to say so.

:D

Yeah that's it! :D

You know, I am affraid to squack at a story that I know the writer is an accomplished Smut mag writer, that the stories go to print. ;)

Here is the deal, you know I have read the story several times this week.

I don't like your two alternate main characters. Porn people fuck! Plain and simple, they get paid to have sex. They generally have a chip on their shoulders as they are too good for anybody.

The most interesting character is Jesica. She is by far the only character that gave me a slight rise for arousal.

The need to trick two porn stars into having sex, is for a lack of better words "Dumb". The whole "Candid Camera" scenario played off rather lame.

The sleaze ball, didn't really feel too sleazy to me. (I will regret saying this) Uh, I have sleazier thoughts? Yeah, yeah I know whatever, but I don't direct porn movies.

If I was to say what could spice this up for me. I would say take the two porn pros out of the story, completely. Make the two characters to fill the place amatures, or just unintended friends. Place Jesica and Sleaze ball behind a one way mirror.

Now that is sleazy to do to unsuspecting friends, to make a buck.

Other thoughts......... Yes I have other thoughts! What is up with the story? The first time I read it I felt, awkward. Not in a bad way just out of place. The next time I read it I began to understand. How can I say this nicely? Your story is too good for porn. Ha Ha ! can I say that?

LOL let me explain. You have good flow and all that fun stuff. Yet the interactions with the multiple characters all inter twine well. Though, more like I was watching an afternoon soapopera and not an energized moment in porn.

Nothing wrong with the style, more it does not fit with the topic.
Quote;
Jessica cleared her throat. "Well, I had this boyfriend once, and he was always asking if it was all right to do this, or do that, or would I mind if..." She sighed and lifted her shoulders. "He never did anything on his own. He was always asking ... permission." Seeing me nod in understanding she went on. "I like a guy to take the initiative, you know."

Oh, yes, I did know. I knew exactly what she meant and it confirmed my suspicion about her. Jessica definitely liked to be told what to do. "You met Carmen Lunetta?" She smiled and nodded her head enthusiastically, not yet used to rubbing elbows with the rich and famous of the porn industry. "Is she like you? Likes to be told?"

It really was a rhetorical question. I had known Carmen a long time but it was too good an opportunity to learn more about Ms. Jessica. "Come here." I gestured to a spot near my desk and watched her struggle for a moment with my switch from equals in a discussion to something entirely else. "Now, Jessica."

It is hard to really make my point from small excerpts, But notice how there is three people in the first paragraph. Now in the next paragraph there is also three people, but one is different from the first paragraph. (Pointing out the complexity of your understandable confusion)
It is like an afternoon soap, we talk about everybody and through our talk the reader/watcher will figure out what is happening. Not right away, but if you pay attention there are several hints comming. Then also just like a soap if you drop the story at any place and start to read it further down. It will make sense, like you never missed an episode.

Ok so now you are asking why is that bothering me.

1)I expect a backroom sleaze ball, one who smokes cigars, drinks cheap whisky or vodka, and certainly does not carry on preppy conversations with other people about other people. His intent would be ME! ME! ME! and fuck you!

2)The way he takes Jesica while watching, I see no reason for him to hold a charming conversation with her prior to making her have sex. Then again I really don't think Jesica is going devulge all her intimate desires because she was asked.

Do you kind of see what I am saying it is like all your characters are too willing to give more information than what was requested of them. Which is fine, but when all the over information that is given is the motivation for the story to move ahead. It becomes unreal how amazingly everyone just rolled right into the situation with out knowing.

Do I need to mention once again right when the story begins to get interesting. "It's time for a commercial break!"

Where is the end? Make it one story.


No crying allowed, besides I can't tell if you are really crying. So just take it or leave it that is my thoughts as I read your tale.


So, that's what I want to know first of all: is it entertaining to read? Regardless of the Lit population.
Yes
Second question: do you believe the main character is a male? I never tried first person pov, so maybe there will be comments on that too?
He is male, but not "manly man" male, nor porn quality male


Question 3: is the manipulation, the goading of the second character believable?If Erica and Bo can do it on Guiding light, why not?

Last question: I had so much fun writing that it took forever to get to the sex. Should I make it one (long) story and paste the part with the sex at the end or should I make that a Scene 2?
"Cut!" Make it one story. So far this has not really introduced me into movie making very much. "Scene #2, take 9" is not going to impress me when the story would be hard to show different scenes if the 'porn stars' are tricked into having sex on hidden cameras.
Any other remarks/tips/hints are of course welcome.

Really? Oh I already gave my remarks, Tip (don't take any wooden nickles) hint, ( If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like a duck. "It's a duck!")

Phil, :kiss:
 
A7inchPhildo said:
Yeah that's it! :D

You know, I am affraid to squack at a story that I know the writer is an accomplished Smut mag writer, that the stories go to print. ;)

And who said you could go public with that? :devil:
I have not yet seen it in print. Till then I'm a reluctant believer.

Here is the deal, you know I have read the story several times this week.

I don't like your two alternate main characters. Porn people fuck! Plain and simple, they get paid to have sex. They generally have a chip on their shoulders as they are too good for anybody.
The most interesting character is Jesica. She is by far the only character that gave me a slight rise for arousal.
Ok, one more vote against the porn biz and another vote for Jessica.
The need to trick two porn stars into having sex, is for a lack of better words "Dumb". The whole "Candid Camera" scenario played off rather lame.
I will lump this with the whole idea of the porn industry. I thought it was sleazy to make a video on the side without them knowing it and therefore without them getting paid for it.
The sleaze ball, didn't really feel too sleazy to me. (I will regret saying this) Uh, I have sleazier thoughts? Yeah, yeah I know whatever, but I don't direct porn movies.
LOL As if I didn't know that.
If I was to say what could spice this up for me. I would say take the two porn pros out of the story, completely. Make the two characters to fill the place amatures, or just unintended friends. Place Jesica and Sleaze ball behind a one way mirror.

Now that is sleazy to do to unsuspecting friends, to make a buck.
That is an option. I have to figure out a reason to get them all together.
Other thoughts......... Yes I have other thoughts! What is up with the story? The first time I read it I felt, awkward. Not in a bad way just out of place. The next time I read it I began to understand. How can I say this nicely? Your story is too good for porn. Ha Ha ! can I say that?

LOL let me explain. You have good flow and all that fun stuff. Yet the interactions with the multiple characters all inter twine well. Though, more like I was watching an afternoon soapopera and not an energized moment in porn.
.....
Are you saying it's too easy? Not enough conflict?
1)I expect a backroom sleaze ball, one who smokes cigars, drinks cheap whisky or vodka, and certainly does not carry on preppy conversations with other people about other people. His intent would be ME! ME! ME! and fuck you!

2)The way he takes Jesica while watching, I see no reason for him to hold a charming conversation with her prior to making her have sex. Then again I really don't think Jesica is going devulge all her intimate desires because she was asked.

Do you kind of see what I am saying it is like all your characters are too willing to give more information than what was requested of them. Which is fine, but when all the over information that is given is the motivation for the story to move ahead. It becomes unreal how amazingly everyone just rolled right into the situation with out knowing.

Do I need to mention once again right when the story begins to get interesting. "It's time for a commercial break!"

Where is the end? Make it one story.

No crying allowed, besides I can't tell if you are really crying. So just take it or leave it that is my thoughts as I read your tale.
Well, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to. LOL
So, that's what I want to know first of all: is it entertaining to read? Regardless of the Lit population.
Yes
Second question: do you believe the main character is a male? I never tried first person pov, so maybe there will be comments on that too?
He is male, but not "manly man" male, nor porn quality male
I'm not sure what you mean by 'manly male'. Too smooth?
Question 3: is the manipulation, the goading of the second character believable?If Erica and Bo can do it on Guiding light, why not?
Huh? What do you mean? Honest, I don't understand what you're saying here.
Last question: I had so much fun writing that it took forever to get to the sex. Should I make it one (long) story and paste the part with the sex at the end or should I make that a Scene 2?
"Cut!" Make it one story. So far this has not really introduced me into movie making very much. "Scene #2, take 9" is not going to impress me when the story would be hard to show different scenes if the 'porn stars' are tricked into having sex on hidden cameras.

Phil, :kiss:

On a serious note, thanks for your comments. I see I will have to rework this story and better find another business setting to get more tension into it.
I am not yet ready to lose David and Carmen. The point of the story was mainly to get David to act against his normal behavior. Corrupt him more or less. It seems that mission was not accomplished.

By the way, nice AV Phil. :p
 
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I think it’s very good, Tulip, and what really impresses me is how it really clips along. The story hits the ground running and doesn’t stop, and I think it’s a tribute to the pacing and flow that I was a third of the way in before I realized I didn’t quite know what was going on. *L*. But that’s okay. I pieced together what was happening as the story progressed, which is how a story should be told anyhow.

I have to say that I found the beginning a bit confusing, and that’s understandable. You’re introducing the idea of his new assistant along with the sudden crisis in his new project, and that's a lot of action to juggle. I kind of missed what this crisis was about. Part of the risk in a story that moves this fast is that pieces will blow by the reader, but then I tend to be a lazy reader anyway, and I think it’s wiser to run the risk of some things being missed than it would be to tone down the pacing. The pacing just sizzled for me.

One thing I would suggest though, is that some of the confusion at the start seems to come from your habit of including dialog and action in the same paragraph, often involving different characters. My motto is, “When in doubt, start a new paragraph”. Here’s an example of what I mean. From the story:

Oh, yes, I did know. I knew exactly what she meant and it confirmed my suspicion about her. Jessica definitely liked to be told what to do. "You met Carmen Lunetta?" She smiled and nodded her head enthusiastically, not yet used to rubbing elbows with the rich and famous of the porn industry. "Is she like you? Likes to be told?"

The way I would do it:

Oh, yes, I did know. I knew exactly what she meant and it confirmed my suspicion about her. Jessica definitely liked to be told what to do.

"You met Carmen Lunetta?"

She smiled and nodded her head enthusiastically, not yet used to rubbing elbows with the rich and famous of the porn industry.

"Is she like you? Likes to be told?"


I might even throw in a few “I saids” too. There were a couple places where I wasn't sure who was talking.

Your questions:

Is it entertaining? It was for me. It was a rush. It’s a pleasure to see a Lit story take off like a 747. Its energy is one of its best features.

Do I believe the narrator’s a male? The narrator’s great, and if I had any doubts as to sex it was in regards to the author, not the narrator. I honestly had to go back and check to see that this was really Black Tulip and that I hadn’t made some mistake in reading.

I love this narrator. Sometimes he talks to much and pats himself on the back too much, but by and large the entire story’s running off his energy. I even love his name: Vassily. That’s perfect. I could see you even doing a series of his stories about his adventures in the skin trade. His voice is fresh and irreverent and entertaining, just the kind of guy you’d like to show you around the porn business.

Is the manipulation of David believable? No. Not the way it’s portrayed here. But that’s okay, because the entire story is not really believable. I don’t think there’s anyone naïve enough to seriously believe that porn actors and actresses are oversexed super studs in real life, or that directors could goad them into performing for a hidden camera crew, or that a woman being raped would make for exciting adult video. The entire story’s fantasy, and there’s nothing wrong with that. This is Literotica, after all.

But even within this fantasy world the manipulation doesn’t come off, and that’s because you’ve tried to portray the details of how it was done, rather than just telling us it was done. This is really a time for tell, don’t show. You’re working in first person here, why not just have Vassily tell us how he wheedled and dealed, argued and cajoled, played David like a cheap violin til the pornster was seeing red and steam was coming out of his nose. We know Vassily’s a con man and manipulator. Let him do his manipulating off-camera and then just show us the results. That would also help cut down on the number of scene switches.

(That reminds me: while Vassily’s trying to provoke David, there’s a time cut that doesn’t work at all. Something like, “An hour and a half later I was still talking.” Awkward.)

Should you cut the final story into two parts? I don’t think so. I mean, the sex is about to start, and I would guess you have about one Lit page so far. Two or three Lit pages is a decent length for a story.

So I really like this. It’s fast, witty, and you’ve got a very sexy situation set up. I’ll be looking forward to seeing the finished product.

---dr.M.

Having read the other comments, I have a bit more to add:

I’d keep the setting in the porn industry. Why not? This is Literotica, where rapes turn into sexy fun and everyone’s good looking and sex is always dynamite. Why couldn’t porn stars be horny sex-bombs or good-looking wimps or anything else you want. We’re doing fiction here, not documentary, and what’s important is not whether your portrayal of the inductry is authentic; it’s whether it seems authentic, and I think it seems authentic enough for Lit. Besides, if you lose the sex-flick angle then you lose the whole voyeurism-through-film thing, which is half the point of the story.

Secondly, I guess it must reflect badly on me, but Vassily doesn’t really come off as that much of a sleaze to me. He’s more of a rascal, which is probably just the way you want him. We had a story in the Feeback board that involved a real sleaze and he was, well, sleazy, and it was no fun being in his company. He made you ashamed to be a male. Vassily still has appeal. Leave him like that.
 
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Black Tulip said:

Ok, one more vote against the porn biz and another vote for Jessica.
No not really votes, more the novice is arousing, where the professionals are expected.

I will lump this with the whole idea of the porn industry. I thought it was sleazy to make a video on the side without them knowing it and therefore without them getting paid for it.
I guess kind of. I think of it as when I date a stripper and she gets naked for bed, she ain't getting paid for it.


That is an option. I have to figure out a reason to get them all together.
Well working with the story already. The two porn stars play the same game and don't want to record the scene together. Maybe Vassily throws a "rub elbows" party.
Are you saying it's too easy? Not enough conflict?
No read the lower comment,
I'm not sure what you mean by 'manly male'. Too smooth?
No not too smooth as much as too refined, a real gentleman, a man who says please, thank you, your welcome, a man who would be careful of offending others. When I think of Porn kings, I think shrewd, devious, and mostly arrogant as to people owe him because he is him, no other reason.

Huh? What do you mean? Honest, I don't understand what you're saying here.
Really it was a good story, I think the thought I was getting was better described by drM. "You’re introducing the idea of his new assistant along with the sudden crisis in his new project, and that's a lot of action to juggle. I kind of missed what this crisis was about." Not saying the story was not a good read, more or less it settled into a niche with multiple ideas running all at once. Making it almost past the point of a Porn story and into a real time network story line. I couldn't concentrate on the arousal factor because I was trying to decifer the clues, as to what happens next. As obvious as it seems with each character screaming out what the next character will be acting upon. Still it began to play like a TV show where we were suppose to know the characters from a long running series.


On a serious note, thanks for your comments. I see I will have to rework this story and better find another business setting to get more tension into it.
I am not yet ready to lose David and Carmen. The point of the story was mainly to get David to act against his normal behavior. Corrupt him more or less. It seems that mission was not accomplished.
Do you think it might be possible to make David a newbie to the pron industry? A real stud Vassily found, but really morally in conflict about making a porn movie to be shown to thousands of viewers.
By the way, nice AV Phil. :p
 
dr_mabeuse said:
I think it’s very good, Tulip, and what really impresses me is how it really clips along. The story hits the ground running and doesn’t stop, and I think it’s a tribute to the pacing and flow that I was a third of the way in before I realized I didn’t quite know what was going on. *L*. But that’s okay. I pieced together what was happening as the story progressed, which is how a story should be told anyhow.
Oh my, you really have me blushing now. :eek:
I have to say that I found the beginning a bit confusing, and that’s understandable. You’re introducing the idea of his new assistant along with the sudden crisis in his new project, and that's a lot of action to juggle. I kind of missed what this crisis was about. Part of the risk in a story that moves this fast is that pieces will blow by the reader, but then I tend to be a lazy reader anyway, and I think it’s wiser to run the risk of some things being missed than it would be to tone down the pacing. The pacing just sizzled for me.
I think I can work in a bit more on the background. Not sure yet how if I want to do that.
One thing I would suggest though, is that some of the confusion at the start seems to come from your habit of including dialog and action in the same paragraph, often involving different characters. My motto is, “When in doubt, start a new paragraph”.

I might even throw in a few “I saids” too. There were a couple places where I wasn't sure who was talking.
Damn, I'm really pissed at myself for doing it again. You told me before. :(
Your questions:

Is it entertaining? It was for me. It was a rush. It’s a pleasure to see a Lit story take off like a 747. Its energy is one of its best features.

Do I believe the narrator’s a male? The narrator’s great, and if I had any doubts as to sex it was in regards to the author, not the narrator. I honestly had to go back and check to see that this was really Black Tulip and that I hadn’t made some mistake in reading.

I love this narrator. Sometimes he talks to much and pats himself on the back too much, but by and large the entire story’s running off his energy. I even love his name: Vassily. That’s perfect. I could see you even doing a series of his stories about his adventures in the skin trade. His voice is fresh and irreverent and entertaining, just the kind of guy you’d like to show you around the porn business.
That makes me really happy. I kind of liked this guy too. That was the fun part in writing this story.
Is the manipulation of David believable? No. Not the way it’s portrayed here. But that’s okay, because the entire story is not really believable. I don’t think there’s anyone naïve enough to seriously believe that porn actors and actresses are oversexed super studs in real life, or that directors could goad them into performing for a hidden camera crew, or that a woman being raped would make for exciting adult video. The entire story’s fantasy, and there’s nothing wrong with that. This is Literotica, after all.

But even within this fantasy world the manipulation doesn’t come off, and that’s because you’ve tried to portray the details of how it was done, rather than just telling us it was done. This is really a time for tell, don’t show. You’re working in first person here, why not just have Vassily tell us how he wheedled and dealed, argued and cajoled, played David like a cheap violin til the pornster was seeing red and steam was coming out of his nose. We know Vassily’s a con man and manipulator. Let him do his manipulating off-camera and then just show us the results. That would also help cut down on the number of scene switches.
Sounds like good advice, since I was feeling the story was getting a bit long-winded.
(That reminds me: while Vassily’s trying to provoke David, there’s a time cut that doesn’t work at all. Something like, “An hour and a half later I was still talking.” Awkward.)
Yup, I know the passage, it was awkward because I was stuck there. :D
Should you cut the final story into two parts? I don’t think so. I mean, the sex is about to start, and I would guess you have about one Lit page so far. Two or three Lit pages is a decent length for a story.

So I really like this. It’s fast, witty, and you’ve got a very sexy situation set up. I’ll be looking forward to seeing the finished product.

---dr.M.

Having read the other comments, I have a bit more to add:

I’d keep the setting in the porn industry. Why not? This is Literotica, where rapes turn into sexy fun and everyone’s good looking and sex is always dynamite. Why couldn’t porn stars be horny sex-bombs or good-looking wimps or anything else you want. We’re doing fiction here, not documentary, and what’s important is not whether your portrayal of the inductry is authentic; it’s whether it seems authentic, and I think it seems authentic enough for Lit. Besides, if you lose the sex-flick angle then you lose the whole voyeurism-through-film thing, which is half the point of the story.

Secondly, I guess it must reflect badly on me, but Vassily doesn’t really come off as that much of a sleaze to me. He’s more of a rascal, which is probably just the way you want him. We had a story in the Feeback board that involved a real sleaze and he was, well, sleazy, and it was no fun being in his company. He made you ashamed to be a male. Vassily still has appeal. Leave him like that.

You are dead right about Vassily. Rascal is a better word for him. I wanted him to be absolutely not PC, but appealing nonetheless.

I really am very happy with your comments. They will help me make it a better story. Thank you.

:rose:
 
Black Tulip, I enjoyed your story thus far, and I look forward to the rest. Being new to critiqueing, I'm going to stick with answering the questions you first asked.

** Right, this feels kind of scary as it is a story that's not yet finished.
I think it is not a typical Lit story, but I don't mind that. This was more a try to make it entertaining to be inside someone's head. Is it fun to know the thoughts of a sleazeball? **

Definitely fun. I chuckled at some of the things he was thinking, and called him a pig for others. I suppose if you had done a bad job, I wouldn't have responded either way.

** So, that's what I want to know first of all: is it entertaining to read? Regardless of the Lit population. **

I enjoyed it, and found it entertaining. I would like to dislike Carmen a bit more. Right now she seems to be a bitch by say-so, more than by her own actions (her actions/words that I read, I mean).

** Second question: do you believe the main character is a male? I never tried first person pov, so maybe there will be comments on that too? **

I'm a female, and I thought you did well, but perhaps this is best answered by a man. Ladies can believe a man will say anything. ;)

** Question 3: is the manipulation, the goading of the second character believable? **

I thought the main character did an ok job goading, but as I said before, I'd like to dislike Carmen a bit more. Perhaps more 2nd hand info from the main character about what a bitch she is?

** Last question: I had so much fun writing that it took forever to get to the sex. Should I make it one (long) story and paste the part with the sex at the end or should I make that a Scene 2? **

I'm disappointed with stories on the site that are too quick, but I also don't like stories that take 3 pages to get to a short and quick sex scene. I felt the wait for the sex in your story was fine, but I want the sex to get equal coverage when you write it.

I didn't read all the other responses you have received, so I hope my comments have not all already been made.

Cheers
Day

Any other remarks/tips/hints are of course welcome.
 
Control in D/s

Black Tulip said:
Is it fun to know the thoughts of a sleazeball?
So, that's what I want to know first of all: is it entertaining to read? Regardless of the Lit population.
Second question: do you believe the main character is a male? I never tried first person pov, so maybe there will be comments on that too?
Question 3: is the manipulation, the goading of the second character believable?
Last question: I had so much fun writing that it took forever to get to the sex. Should I make it one (long) story and paste the part with the sex at the end or should I make that a Scene 2?
Any other remarks/tips/hints are of course welcome.
I did not perceive him as a sleazeball at all. To me, he is a normal, quite amiable guy, who happens to be good in mind games and control.

#1 -- Excellent (I can't imagine a finished product, if this is only a draft). Why scary?

#2 -- Oh yes, Vassily exuded maleness. Call me impressed. He could use some more edge, but that's only my personal preference. And the 1st POV was spot on. Usually, there was the right mix of internal commentary and action.

#3 -- This is a little trickier. It is difficult to bring about such a transformation in an hour or so. You've done as well as could be expected, but I still feel a bit dissatisfied with the process. I will disagree with the good Doctor on the showing/telling issue. As a control fan, I WANT to know all the details of the mind game. I want all the low tricks, the deception, the manipulating. But I simply cannot buy it in the time span you use. I would have loved a longer description of Vassily's efforts (possibly, with the help of Jessica) over a couple of days or so before David comes around.

#4 -- I really do not care. But I would envision it in a 2-part tale, with the first part being the "education" of David and the second the actual David/Carmen scene.

Now for some comments on the story.

First, the porn movie setup is absolutely horrible. MLyons pointed out many real issues on this. This is not what the porn actors are like, how the industry works, or how the money flows. It is a poor cliched way of starting such a beautiful story. There is no reason why you cannot set it up in some other way (such as a business deal or some other normal encounter).

I mentioned above that the description of David's "education" is kinda weak. You could take the time to build it up, give Jessica a bit role, say, with Vassily using one stone to kill two birds. After all, control is in the mind and I would love to see him star in that first part as only He knows how. Some sex would inevitably be included here, but it would be subordinate to Vassily's performance, His juggling of His two playthings.

The second chapter would have us enjoy the fruits of all that work that went into the first. Carmen will make her appearance, along the lines that you have here, and fall into the trap.

Perhaps I detected some RL inexperience on the author's part regarding aspects of everyone's D/s tendencies and inclinations and longings? Perhaps not. I would have imagined that Vassily would be a bit rougher (in his mind games, not necessarily physically), a bit darker (in his commentary), a bit more... dangerous. And Jessica's character was a bit hazy (but that is understandable since the story is from Vassily's POV).

Anyway, it was a passionate, vibrant, flowing, engaging writeup. With a better opening setup, and possibly some strengthening of the dark side of things, I can't see why it would not be a solid 5 on my scale.
 
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Day'sNights,

Thank you for your comments. Even if you would have said the same as the others, it still contributes to the whole. ;)

Your remark about Carmen is interesting. I'll certainly give her character some more thought.

:rose:

hiddenself,

Your comments made me do some rethinking, again.
Thank you. :rolleyes: LOL
It seems the setting is triggering very opposite reactions. Like I said, that needs some serious thinking.

I can see why you would want the turning around of David to take more time, but that would definitely make it the focus of the story and that was not what I had in mind. I could change that though. More thinking.

Perhaps I detected some RL inexperience on the author's part regarding aspects of everyone's D/s tendencies and inclinations and longings?
Yup. I like reading about it, but I have no clue whatsoever. That is also what makes it a bit tricky/scary. If I want to keep the level of energy I need to tap into my own emotions. Not meaning I have to type with one hand LOL, but in my head.

On the other hand, that is a very important part of the fun I'm having at this site. Finding out all kinds of new things about me.


:D :eek: :devil:
 
Not yet, but it's very high on my list.

I'm having my summer break, but I have another pile of state exams to grade.

After that I have a lot of time to devote to writing. LOL


:)
 
Be sure to let us know when it is done. I want to take a look at the finished product.
 
I promise. It's nearly finished.

I changed the set up, no, not telling you. But it's one I do know something about.
I had a good look at the paragraphs, talking vs. action got separated, at least to 1 person only.

I'm in the middle of the sex, but like someone said, can't remember who, that needs time too. It won't do to have a 10 page story with a half page sex scene.

Changed the hidden camera idea too. That's going to be a little twist at the end with a different purpose.

I can't promise you when it will be done, because I'll be leaving for Egypt on Tuesday. I'll be gone for 8 days.

Patience, patience. LOL

:D
 
Geez, touchy forum. Put my review up before I'd even typed it!

Let's try this again:

So, that's what I want to know first of all: is it entertaining to read? Regardless of the Lit population.

Yes, it was entertaining -- even though it was outside of my fave themes. I stop reading so many pieces after the first couple paragraphs. This one held me.

Second question: do you believe the main character is a male? I never tried first person pov, so maybe there will be comments on that too?

Oh, absolutely. Never entered my mind to consider otherwise. First person is my preference for erotica. Takes me along for the ride in a much more convincing manner. I love being inside someone's mind -- fascinating territory.

Question 3: is the manipulation, the goading of the second character believable?

It would be if he was not a veteran in the industry. Hard to swallow for an actor who's been around the block.

Last question: I had so much fun writing that it took forever to get to the sex. Should I make it one (long) story and paste the part with the sex at the end or should I make that a Scene 2?

Personally, I'd rather read a multi-page story than a chapter work. I don't know precisely why, but seeing a list of Ch. 01, Ch. 02, Ch. 03 ... on the Lit indices is a turn off to me.

I've noticed the many comments about the porn industry -- and as I have no experience there, I can say that it didn't seem incongruous to me. In other words, it was believable to the ignorant.

Agree re Jessica's character being the most intriguing.

I'm enjoying all this "dishing it out" -- although I tend to only review the pieces I like. I have a tough time giving negative feedback (and a tougher time hearing it). It takes guts to open yourself up to critique. One of these days, I might give it a shot. (Or not.)

Peace,
 
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