Grassroots Discussion: Angela

[angela146]

This story is a work in progress. I have not done the "refinement editing", which is to say, I have not removed adjectives and adverbs nor have I done much to varry my sentence structure.

I would appreciate some observations about the story itself, rather than the language. What kinds of changes should I make to the characters, the plot, the interaction of the two women?

It's not necessarily intended to be realistic. It's more of a fantasy. At the same time, if there are ways of making it more realistic that would be useful too.

Any suggestions are welcome.

Thanks,
Angela
---
Working title: "You're *not* Fired"

Two taps on the door.

"Just a moment," I said. I quickly put my hair up and mentally slipped into my "professional demeanor". I wear it like a skirt suit over the silk lingere of my inner self. At twenty-nine, I'm one of the youngest employees in the company, but I'm also the president. Keeping my demeanor in place and keeping it natural is very important.

"Come in," I called.

The hallway door opened. I looked over at the clock. It was precisely 1:30pm.

"Come in and close the door, Pauline."

She did, then quickly crossed her arms over her stomach and buried her head in her chest.

"Pauline," I said, "the worst thing I can do to you is fire you and Lance already did that. There's nothing more to be afraid of."

She looked up at me. A smile brought a glimmer of light to the dark cloud that seemed to hang over her. Her body sagged, letting go of some of the tension. Her chest quivered as a laugh tried to escape but was squelched.

"Why don't you come over here and talk to me." I remained seated behind my desk and pointed to an area in front of it, between the two chairs. I wanted her to remain standing for a while.

Pauline summoned her strength and walked over, stopping exactly where I had indicated. She stood up streighter and seemed to recaputure some of her dignity. I looked for physical signs of the previous two month's stress on her and found none, as usual.

There were plenty of almost-physical signs. From outward appearances, it was a little hard to tell if she was putting on weight or just wearing an extra layer of clothes. Her face didn't look any worse for wear, but it looked puffier. But she had been crying earlier in the day and the puffiness was probably a temporary residual effect.

No, except for the particular effects of a traumatic day, Pauline looked, as always, like a neatly dressed housewife: someone's mom gone back to work. She wasn't any more or less frumpy than usual. The previous two months would have taken a toll on most anyone else but Pauline seemed to have survived it without much external damage.

Her ego was another matter. That was part of why I had called her into the office, to give her some perspective on her situation. I started with the most basic question, "Did you deserve to be fired?"

She took a deep breath and brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. More of her dignity returned, maybe even a touch of acceptance. Her chin was up. "Yes. Lance gave me one last chance to make it work and I failed miserably. My revenues are down again and I lost four major customers."

I chuckled and leaned back in my chair a little. It was time to use my affectation, i.e. my glasses. I took them off and briefly sucked on the earpiece. "Actually, no, on all three counts."

An eye-frown remolded her face. "What do you mean?"

My sadistic side was tickled. "I'll explain that in a few minutes." Setting my glasses down, I asked her point blank, "Do you want to keep your job?"

She was momentarily flustered but quickly recovered, saying, "Well, yes, if I could find a way of succeeding at it."

I smiled. I really like Pauline. At thirty-eight, she isn't old enough to be my mom but there's still something maternal about her and it shows in every aspect of her personality. She cares about her job as if it were one of her children.

"So you like working here," I confirmed.

"Sure!"

"You like working for Lance?"

She briefly turned into a bobblehead doll, then said, "He's OK."

I looked for one of the folders in the unkempt mess of my desktop while remarking, "Like a chicken salad sandwich..." my conspiratorial tone cheered her up. "...not great but not offensive either."

That brought a laugh of recognition, followed her hand covering her mouth.

I found the folder and set it on top, then I folded my hands over it and focused on her. "So, you want your job back, but only if you can do a good job at it."

She nodded.

"Do you trust me?"

She tensed but then relaxed. "Of course I do. That's one of the things I love about working here." She looked off into space. "It isn't just you, either. Not once have I been lied to, taken advantage of, cheated... Yes, of course I trust you."

"If I ask you do to something - way beyond reasonable, something I should never ask any employee to do, would you do it?" I paused and then added, "assuming it didn't hurt."

She smiled. "Yes."

"OK," I said, "first, go lock those doors." She did, while I got up and locked the back door.

I also buzzed my secretary and told her that I was not to be interrupted for anything less than a matter of life or death.

Pauline raised an eyebrow at me.

"Come back and stand where you were," I told her.

I returned to my chair. "Pauline, you didn't deserve to be fired, Lance didn't give you a last chance and you didn't fail."

She frowned at me. "Please don't patronize me."

I picked up my glasses and held them infront of my eyes, as if I needed them to see her clearly. "It doesn't sound like you're trusing me." Our eyes fixed on each other.

"You're right," she admitted, "OK, I take your word for it. I trust you."

"Good," I said, setting the glasses back down. "Now for the unreasonable part - take your clothes off."

Her eyes almost fell out of her head as her arms instinctively covered her chest. "Wha..." She sputtered.

"Trust me," I said. "I won't ask you to do anything immoral... unless getting undressed in front of another woman is immoral."

She paled. It's amazing that her skin can actually get whiter than it normally is. When she pales, she goes from chalky to death warmed over. Her hands shook. She looked at me, trying to read something from my face or body language, anything that would give her a clue as what I was up to.

"Trust me," I repeated.

She took a deep breath and let it out. She looked down at herself then back at me. Shrugging her shoulders, she began to unbutton her sweater, slowly at first and then at a close to normal pace.

About half way, while she was still unbuttoning, she asked, "Are you going to just look at me or..."

I didn't answer.

Her hands finished the last button and she slid the sweater off of her arms. I pointed to the chair next to her and she neatly folded it over the back.

She looked at herself again and decided that her blouse was next. Reaching behind her head, she unzipped it in the back, while looking at me questioningly. She wanted an answer.

"You know how I feel," I said.

She rolled her eyes.

I decided to make it a little easier for her. "I can appreciate the beauty of a woman without having to get my paws on her." I kept my voice soft, but not sensual. My eyes, however, made no attempt to hide the pleasure I was taking in watching her undress.

She pulled the blouse over her head, revealing a camisole, and folded it onto the chair. A tear formed at her eye.

"Relax," I said. "we're going to stay on opposite sides of the desk."

She smiled, her face brightening. A little more at ease, she reached behind her waist and unbuttoned her skirt, leaning forward a little as she did. She undid the zipper, also in the back, and let the skirt slide down her legs. She seemed to be falling into her normal undressing routine, that way of getting undressed when you're not thinking about it.

I continued to watch as she stepped out of the skirt, gracefully picked it up and layed it over the chair. There was no slip, so she was down to her pantyhose. Next, she pulled off the camisole and then removed her shoes.

Things got a little awkward as she took off her hose. It takes balance to do that while standing and it clearly wasn't a natural movement for her. But she managed. That left her with just her plain white underwear and jewelry.

I nodded as she motioned to her necklace. It gave her a few moment's pause to remove it, her watch and her bracelet. With those placed on my desk, she tossed her hair aside, tilted her head and removed her left earring.

"You've never undressed in a boss's office before?" It was a silly question but it refocused her on what she was doing.

She smiled, "No, it hasn't ever been suggested before." She pondered a moment as she repeated the procedure on the right. "Although it's easier than I thought," she said.

With the jewelry off, she matter of factly slid the straps of her bra, one at a time, to her elbows, then reached back with both hands to unhook. She hesitated briefly before pulling it away and exposing her breasts. If she was expecting I would avert my eyes, she was mistaken.

Finally, she looped her thumbs into her panties and pulled them down, stepping out one leg at a time. With that done, she took a moment to organize her clothes and make sure nothing was rumpled.

Then she returned to her standing position and looked at me, hands at her sides. I looked her over, top to bottom, studying her. She has an average, flabby, thirty eight year old body: Sagging orange-sized boobs that aren't quite even, a tummy that bows downward, moles, bumps, bulges and some blue veins showing here and there.

Her legs weren't shaved above the knee and her pubic area wasn't trimmed at all. As unlikely as it seemes, her torso is even paler than her arms legs and neck. There was a slight "farmer's tan" that was darker on the left side from driving a car. She's an ordinary woman and would be passed over by most, but I'm a coniseur of ordinary women. I prefer the unadorned natural beauty of pure womanhood.

Goosebumps started to form on her arms and legs and her nipples began to harden. I stood up and turned up the heat a bit. I was able to stay on my side of the desk since the thermostat is on the wall behind me. She stayed still.

Back in my chair, I asked her, "So, how do you feel?"

She smirked. "Naked."

I returned the wrinkled smile. "Yes, you're very naked. I can see everything there is to see." I looked up and down her body again, emphasising her vulnerability. "Let's see, natural blonde, c-section scar, tits that have probably nursed a child or two, flabby thighs and saddlebag hips. You need to work out a little more."

Her entire body blushed and her face struggled with a wince, but there were no tears. "So, which is worse, having to undress in front of the boss or talking about your job performance?"

Her eyes flashed as her body registered the predicament. "Being naked - getting undressed in front of a boss who's got a body I would kill for - not being in control - I guess that's marginally worse than having a performance review after I've already been fired."

She smiled at the irony then nodded. "So I guess I'd like to talk about my job, now, to keep my mind off of being naked."

"You see," I smirked, "there are worse things than getting fired."

The room warmed quickly. Her goosebumps were soon gone and her nipples back to normal.

I looked down at my desk, opened the folder and took out the top page. Returning my affectation to my nose and my demeanor to the rest of me, I summarized: "Before we turned them over to you for contract renewels, the twelve biggest customers on this list paid us fourteen million a year and netted us four million in margin." I looked up at her. Now she was starting to cry.

"You know, you really should shave your legs all the way up, just in case the boss makes you take your clothes off." She laughed, then took a tissue and wiped her eyes. I pointed to the empty chair. She sat down, grateful to be able to cross her legs.

"Returning to your numbers, you lost four of your twelve biggest customers. The ones that are left bring in eleven million in annual sales and five point two million in margin."

She squirmed and looked down. "I'm really sorry, Leslie,... I..." She looked up at me. "Did you say the margin was '<I>five point two</i>'? That's a million-two more than before?" Her nipples immediately started getting hard and not because of the temperature.

I sat back, removed my glasses and winked at her. "Do you know how sexy you look right now?"

She ignored my comment. "How is that possible?"

I smiled, "What can I say? I like saddlebag hips."

She crossed her arms at my impertinance. Then with a smirk, "You know what I meant!"

"Oh, the sales numbers!" I sat up, returned my glasses to my face and said, "The four customers you lost represented twenty five percent of our production. The factory was at 110% of capacity. We were paying overtime and waisting resources just to get product out the door for them. In the net, we were loosing money on them."

"Now, we're at 83% of capacity. We've got room to work. There's no overtime and waste is way down. Plus, your price increases on the rest of these made up for some of the lost revenue."

She was stunned. "You mean..."

I finished the thought, "... in two months, you've upped our annual net profit by one point two million dollars and given us room to grow."

She shook her head.

"I told you that you'd be good at this," I said. "I didn't just hire you because you're my wife."

"So, I didn't fail, and I didn't deserve to be fired." She looked puzzled, "So why did Lance fire me? And what did you mean he didn't give me a last chance?"

I pushed back my chair and stood up. It was time for me to get out of my clothes too. I started with the jacket as I spoke to her. "I'm the one who gave you an extra chance," slipping the jacked down my arms, "Lance is great at customer relationships and marketing but he's just not a numbers guy." I threw the jacket over the desk, making Pauline cringe. I'm not a neat freak the way she is.

My silk blouse unbuttoned in the front and I started down from the top, slowly teasing her with sensuality, provoking her. "I had to give him a chance to be the sales manager. He's been with the company a long time and we needed to see if he could grow into the role."

Unbuttoning the cuffs and pulling it from my skirt freed the blouse. "You're a much better fit for the job." I slipped the skirt off and dumped it on the desk. "But you're the boss's wife and you've only worked here a year." We both giggled, neither of use quite used to the sound of that new word.

I continued talking as I undressed. "You have an instinct for the big picture, even without having the cost figures." I wasn't wearing a cami, so off came the bra. I was more blatant than she had been. I oppened the front clip and let my boobs explode outward, then slid it off the shoulders, sort of like I had done with the shirt.

"And, as the sales manager," I fixed my eyes on her eyes while she fixed hers on my tits, "you'll have all the costs and margins to work with." The bra joined the pile.

Pauline wasn't listening to me - she hadn't even realized that I was promoting her - so I stopped talking. My matching necklace, bracelet and watch joined hers on the desk, folding themselves together like new lovers. The had been our wedding presents to each other. In our rush to get married two months earlier, we hadn't had time to shop around.

In the early months of 2004, no one knew how long they would be issuing marriage licenses. Ours was one of hundreds of hastily planned weddings, formalizing realtionships that had been in place for years. Elaborate ceremonies and presents were sacrificed in favor of simplicity. Besides, we like the intimacy of matching jewelry, showing our bonds to each other. Even more important were the rings that would never leave our fingers.

I wish our wedding hadn't coinsided with the turmoil of Pauline's career struggles, but it all turned out for the best. Here we were, married and working together. I pursed my lips at her and put my hands on my hips as I swayed side to side, teasing her with my bare body. A small whine and wrinkled brow were all she could manage.

It's rare for me to be in a position of power with Pauline when we're naked. At home, I'm much more wifey and she's more... husbandly... if you want to call it that. Maybe someday we'll have our own words for the roles in our marriage. At the moment, we're still enjoying the words that we thought we might never be able to use for each other.

Anyway, here in the office, we made it clear to each other and everyone else that I'm in charge - it's my company, after all - but the sexual dynamics between us had remained the same, until now. I was egar to enjoy a moment of dominance with her - to take her and lead her to pleasure rather than following her lead.

There was another major turn-on for me. We hadn't had sex in the office - any office - before, and I wanted it. The increasing furrow on Pauline's brow told her side of the story. She wanted it as much as I did.

I dropped my skirt and slip in a heap and lowered my panties over my stockings, then waved her over to the leather couch along the side wall. She sat down and I stood in front of her, still wearing my heels and stockings but nothing else. I took my hair down, straddled her feet with mine and leaned over her, putting my hands on the back of the couch. My face was right up to hers and my breasts were available to her hands.

"Are you going to sue me for sexual harrassment?" I asked.

Pauline smiled and lightly touched my sides. As the wave of excitement shot through me, I almost didn't hear her answer, "Just give me my job back and I'll be happy." I put my knees into the couch, straddling her, and sat on her lap. She said, "I've learned my lesson."

Our two very naked and very horny bodies melted into each other, or rather, my body melted into her. Despite my being on top and my position of authority, I instinctively let Pauline take over, putting her left arm around me and her right hand between my legs. The familiar relationship between us was simply too powerful to be overcome by my being her boss. The doors were locked and my "image" was safe, so I didn't fight it.

Ultimately, I didn't really mind falling into our "home" pattern. It's what we are used to when we make love. So, I let myself collapse into her, sliding into her hands and onto her fingers, content for the moment to simply be her wife.

 

[Pure]

Hi A,
Your box is full. But the bottom line is that I did postpone Lucky, and we're going ahead here.

Best,
J.

 

[Lying Eyes]

Nice work angela.

What I liked about this story is that it seemed much different then I originaly thought it was going to be. Which is usually a good thing for me since I don't want to read a story that seems like I have already read a half a dozen times on literotica. Real nice twist that Pauline actually helped the company in her failure.

I loved the part that Pauline questions, "How it that possiable?" refering to the margins but Leslie answers about why she thinks Pauline is sexy, this comes out funny and cute.

The biggest problem I have with this story is the marriage. It's just that the two characters don't seem to have a bond other then employee/employer. Maybe in the dialog you could of mentioned Pauline saying that she trusted Leslie because she thought of her as almost a friend from being so nice to her since she started working there.

I would prefer that you mention Leslie's name earlier in the story. I was reading this wondering how long it would take before it came up.

Leslie fixes her eyes on Pauline's eyes.
What color is Paulines eyes? It is never mentioned, to me this is important. One character should always notice this if they gaze into his/her eyes. Have you not heard the saying,"The eyes are the windows of the soul." Well if she cant see the color of her eyes how can she see into her soul...

I would have Pauline show how nervous she was when she began stripping by having her hands trembling and fumbling awkwardly with the buttons.

I have to say again that this was an intresting story not the typical boss/employee story normaly posted on Literotica.

 

[angela146]

Nice work angela.

Thank you!

What I liked about this story is that it seemed much different then I originaly thought it was going to be. Which is usually a good thing for me since I don't want to read a story that seems like I have already read a half a dozen times on literotica. Real nice twist that Pauline actually helped the company in her failure.

Yes. I'm trying to have this be a mentoring kind of thing: one woman helping another to see the big picture.

I loved the part that Pauline questions, "How it that possiable?" refering to the margins but Leslie answers about why she thinks Pauline is sexy, this comes out funny and cute.

Thanks. I will probaby try to include a couple more sexual banter comments.

The biggest problem I have with this story is the marriage. It's just that the two characters don't seem to have a bond other then employee/employer. Maybe in the dialog you could of mentioned Pauline saying that she trusted Leslie because she thought of her as almost a friend from being so nice to her since she started working there.

This is the most difficult part for me to write: having the fact that they're married be a plot twist in the middle of the story. I want there to be more of the relationship evident in the first part without tipping my hand too soon that they are married.

I would prefer that you mention Leslie's name earlier in the story. I was reading this wondering how long it would take before it came up.

That should be easy. I could slip it into Pauline's dialog.

Leslie fixes her eyes on Pauline's eyes.
What color is Paulines eyes? It is never mentioned, to me this is important. One character should always notice this if they gaze into his/her eyes. Have you not heard the saying,"The eyes are the windows of the soul." Well if she cant see the color of her eyes how can she see into her soul...

Yes. That might also help to communicate more of Leslie's feelings for Pauline earlier on.

I would have Pauline show how nervous she was when she began stripping by having her hands trembling and fumbling awkwardly with the buttons.

Good idea!

I have to say again that this was an intresting story not the typical boss/employee story normaly posted on Literotica.

Thanks again!

You've addressed several of the areas that I am having trouble with and given me some potential improvements.

 

[Pure]

Angela,

That's an interesting story; nice twist. I'll skip some things I know you'll fix, mechanics including spelling.

I can see you worked on the dialogue, and you succeeded in getting it to 'say' a lot. This problem is one i once tackled in writing for two voices only. Also the dialogue has to prepare for twists and make them. They have to be plausible. It's a game with the reader, just as some detective stories give 'clues' that aren't quite enough, but later seem to 'fit' the detectives solution to the crime mystery.

So there are many areas of success, around dialogue and character. Also much of the writing is quite fresh, and erotic.

Let me comment, now on two underlying problems, which are pretty well handled, but I want to 'worry' a bit.

The problem you set yourself is very tricky. A third person narrator can withhold from the reader, no problem; it's common.

A first person narrator who does so, has to be quite carefully set up. Why? For instance wouldn't it be quite strange if the woman next to you in the bar told you that story "I called P into my office,.... I asked her to strip..." and then halfway in said, "Oh, it's not what you think, she's my wife."

The usual excuse is that the first person is telling/writing a history. I met this woman, this is what happened. The narrator does not say, "I later killed her."

Maybe the setup works, but there are alternatives that might make the withholding more natural. For example, the first person, reflecting on her day, makes a diary entry: "I called P into my office.... I asked her to strip...." The marriage could then be revealed either in diary or getting out of that mode. [Phone rings, it's P, "hi wife!"] But in diary also makes sense.

By contrast, it's hard to see why "I" would withhold, except to tease the reader. Let me make an analogy: A fellow in a bar says to me, "Let me tell you how I fucked this hot bitch....God, her tits were fine, and she wanted it so bad...." Then 20 mins later says "She's my wife, but I had you going, didn't I? And she really is pretty hot." One feels manipulated.

So that is my first question; 1) Aside from titillation is there are reasons brought out in the setup and story for the narrator to withhold? Or, how do you minimize the reader's feeling manipulated.

Here is my second question. The owner essentially humiliates Pauline. Even though we know later the remarks are partly loving [love of beauty of pure womanhood]. I.e., 'saddlebag hips'.

You later say, L is the 'wifey', but the sadistic motivation is still not really founded.

2) How is the sadistic motivation to be illustrated, and shown to have roots? How far is it to be taken, and how far gratified?

Your story reads:
I decided to make it a little easier for her. "I can appreciate the beauty of a woman without having to get my paws on her." I kept my voice soft, but not sensual. My eyes, however, made no attempt to hide the pleasure I was taking in watching her undress.

She pulled the blouse over her head, revealing a camisole, and folded it onto the chair. A tear formed at her eye.

"Relax," I said. "we're going to stay on opposite sides of the desk."

I can see this, but imo, it would be better as *false [or even NO] reassurance.
L says, "I'll stay behind the desk" but then comes out and, for example, plays with the breasts of P, demanding P hold still.

Also I see no signs in what follows, that Leslie is getting off.
2a) Why?

The scene ends, first part, with

Then she returned to her standing position and looked at me, hands at her sides. I looked her over, top to bottom, studying her. She has an average, flabby, thirty eight year old body: Sagging orange-sized boobs that aren't quite even, a tummy that bows downward, moles, bumps, bulges and some blue veins showing here and there.

Her legs weren't shaved above the knee and her pubic area wasn't trimmed at all. As unlikely as it seemes, her torso is even paler than her arms legs and neck. There was a slight "farmer's tan" that was darker on the left side from driving a car. She's an ordinary woman and would be passed over by most, but I'm a coniseur of ordinary women. I prefer the unadorned natural beauty of pure womanhood.

The last line reflects appreciation, but the general tone is critical. You have been occupied titillating the reader with the undressing, but L's reactions are important, and there isn't enough, and not enough positive. IOW, is L is a covert sadist, she should be getting off. And equally so, if L's freshly in love, married, etc.

Returning to the beginning quote, IMO, there should be LESS resassurance. Make the demands hard, and don't explain. L is going to humiliate P for L's pleasure. P, the little (beloved) slut will eventually get off on it too.

I think you see the problem (of L's under-reaction), for later your story reads:

Anyway, here in the office, we made it clear to each other and everyone else that I'm in charge - it's my company, after all - but the sexual dynamics between us had remained the same, until now. I was eager to enjoy a moment of dominance with her - to take her and lead her to pleasure rather than following her lead.

There was another major turn-on for me. We hadn't had sex in the office - any office - before, and I wanted it. The increasing furrow on Pauline's brow told her side of the story. She wanted it as much as I did.

What's happening is you're explaining (turn on) what should have come out directly and better, before.

---------
Final twist:

It's another twist to have a 'homelike' concluding lovemaking. I think it can be brought off, ONCE the kinky thing is climaxed.

{{Speculating for a moment: I wonder if a homey sex scene is needed. What would happen-- just tossing this out-- if they didn't, that once, slip into the old roles, but fucked like crazy, *L dominant* right on the office floor. And then L simply notes, in closing, that later things returned to the usual sexual routines.

=====

Overall, I think you succeeded pretty well, but I'm letting you know my hesitations around the witholding, and the relatively low key of the dominance episode. Maybe my taste is jaded, and you like it subtle and not too sexy.

I think you brought a refined sensibility and delicious eroticism to the writing; your hubby is a lucky man.

J.

PS. The title "You're NOT fired" gives away a great deal. I'd propose, "Do you want your job back?" or some such.

 

[angela146]

Thanks Pure!

(OK folks, I'm going to be long-winded as I often am. Please bare with me. Yes, take your clothes off as you read this and "bare" with me).

What Pure and slicknhb are seeing is a wrestling process that I'm going through with the story.

I'm trying to do a number of new things all at the same time. The is one of my first totally fictional stories ("Homestead" being an earlier example). Also, it's my first story about a lesbian relationship (as opposed to a relationship between two women who are bi-sexual).

I'm also trying to do a couple of plot twists, which is something I haven't really attempted.

Since this is a work of pure fiction, I am forced to try to figure out where the story is going (as opposed to writing about a story that has already gone where it was going to go).

As an example of all of this, let's look at the relationship dynamics: I see Leslie and Pauline having a complex power dynamic. Pauline is nine years older than Leslie and Pauline is the mother of their children. I figure that the children are from a previous relationship.

On the other hand, until very recently, Pauline was a stay at home mom and Leslie was the sole breadwinner. Pauline is having a hard time getting back into the business world after a long absence. Leslie is trying to help her but doing so from a distance, i.e. trying to guide and mentor rather than dictate.

Finally, I figure Leslie inherited the company. She owns it and has been part of it since she was a teenager. She knows what she's doing but still it's tough being a company president at age 29, especially for a woman.

Yes, this is a lot of detail for a short story but I tend to put that kind of detail into my sexual fantasies. In fact, that hits on a point that Pure made, that the story is low-key, subtle and has a low sexual content.

For whatever reason, I tend to think about the texture details of a fantasy as I'm getting off, rather than the sex itself. I litterally spent hours thinking about this story in bed with my hands between my legs and came before I actually got around to having the two women climb on the couch. (Nice image, eh?).

I think that's partly a "woman thing". I've traded thoughts on this with several female writers and readers at Literotica and I notice the same kind of thing in published stories by women (e.g. the Herotica series of short story collections).

So, I think I'm pitching this to primarily to women and to men who want to get off on hearing what women fantasize about... or at least what *I* fantasize about.

Also, another "feature" of the story is that I am trying to include the eroticism of ordinary people. I want Pauline to look like a real woman and I want Leslie to have the hots for her as she is.

My "gimmic" is to have Leslie poke fun at Pauline's mediocre physical features in order to get her mind off of her "failure" as a saleswoman. She can get away with it because of their relationship.

Couples who have been together a long time have to have some security that they each are attracted to the other "with all faults". I'm trying to use this as a metaphor to transfer to Pauline's business performance.

In other words, she knows that she doesn't have to have a perfect body in order to have a good marriage with Leslie. Hmmm... maybe she also doesn't have to be perfect and land every single customer in order to be a successful salesrep.

So, I agree with almost everything you've said. So, I now have to decide if I'm going to change the way I tell the story, or if I'm going to change the story itself or do some kind of a mixture.

In fact, I think there are good reasons for making some of both kinds of changes.

Hugs and kisses Pure and slicknhb.

 

[Lying Eyes]

Pauline is the mother of their children. I figure that the children are from a previous relationship.

On the other hand, until very recently, Pauline was a stay at home mom and Leslie was the sole breadwinner. Pauline is having a hard time getting back into the business world after a long absence.

Here is a sugestion, since Leslie hints that Pauline is a housewife and someone's mom but little else is said in the story about this. You could mention Pauline's excuse for her failure was stress from a messy divorce (husband had an affair with a young tramp) and her children just left for College or husband got sole custody of the children.

Mentioning these things might explain a bit about Pauline's behaviour. She's home alone so she is lonely and explains why she went back to work. She would be even more surprised and flattered that someone even if it was another woman finds her attractive since her husband no longer did. And since it is a young woman like the one who screwed her husband she gets to act sort of like him and gets to fool around with a hot young woman.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Hello Angela,

I'd first like to start off by saying I think you have a fantastic premise for a story here. I don't really think you need to change the direction of the story or the way you tell it. The only suggestions I have are for slight alterations in the details which, as you said in your return post to Pure, are the most important things to you. I don't think a story needs to be heavily laden with actual physical sex at all and think there is huge potential for arousal with what you have posted here.

In my opinion, to pull off the dynamic with the edge you want, I think Pauline needs to be a bit more meek/nervous and I'd like to know why she feels this way. To me, her apprehension would have more power if there was some sort of personal failing responsible for her presence in the President's office, other than the current premise of poor work behavior. If I'd already been fired and was going in to get raked over the coals, it would only make me react the way she did if I was personally vested.

i.e. The President had really gone out on a limb to hire Pauline and was a personal acquaintance as well as a boss. I think this is possible without giving away too much. Long time friends and a timely opening in Leslie's company gives Pauline the chance she's so desperately wanted, to get out of the house and back into the work force... (that sort of thing.) Then I could see her averting her eyes, nervously playing with her necklace or earring and it would explain the fact that she actually teared up at one time. (That kind of threw me, because I figured she was merely an employee and was being overly emotional...plus I find out later that they're lovers...It just doesn't gel that even when speaking of business Leslie would let her wife cry over something like that.) This would also explain part of the dialogue where Leslie is telling Pauline to trust her. Where did that trust come from? As written, we don't know. With the history of a close friendship there is plausible trust and a willingness to do as asked, even if out of the ordinary.

* * *

I think the dialogue is very good and the fact that Leslie is not named until later, is a moot point. Pauline is aware of her name and her station in the company so it doesn't seem relevant to me until it actually comes in. But if you wanted to throw it in for good measure, perhaps Leslie's secretary could buzz in and alert her that her 1:30 appointment had arrived, etc...

The only thing I'd mention about dialogue here is that you look at it from the perspective of them as lovers from the beginning. (Not showing the reader of course, but ask yourself how plausible it is that they, being a married couple, actually spoke to one another in this manner.) If they are to speak so stiffly as a President and Employee would, then I think Leslie needs to seem much more serious about her position as Pres. from the beginning. This would convince the reader that later on when they do begin to speak candidly during intimacy that it is actually the norm. In the beginning they are professional and stiff, but I don't think the dialogue carries enough of the professionalism necessary to convince me that it's realistic for a married couple to carry on so.

My only suggestions here are that Leslie is very rigid from the time Pauline enters her office until she leads her to the couch. Her desk is meticulously straightened and she sits ramrod straight in her chair instead of leaning back and enjoying her employee's discomfort. (We can see her enjoying it internally as we get to hear her thoughts.) She uses her glasses more as a symbol of quiet reflection and great concentration, instead of a playful gesture where kindness is displayed. All of these lend to Pauline's obvious discomfort and would sell me for later on when Leslie finally crossed the threshold from boss/employee to wife/wife. I hope that makes sense. I didn't necessarily feel deceived by the twist (clever by the way) but I did go back and think, 'Well some of that was a bit unrealistic.'

* * *

I'd have liked to see Pauline's undressing as very nervous. I think someone mentioned fumbling fingers and buttons, and I'd throw in a heavy dose of looking toward the door, the phone, the windows...anything that could lend the idea of her being caught in such a compromising position. (She can't be that nervous about undressing in front of Leslie because a) they're friends and b) they're lovers.) If you really wanted to make Leslie enjoy her current power, she could exercise her power as the boss by demanding focus from her nervous employee and reiterate her disappointment in what has led them to this meeting.

* * *

I know this might seem like changing the story, but I guess the gist of what I'm getting at is maybe the story can hold two twists. The obvious being that they are married. The not so obvious, that Leslie wanted Pauline to sweat (since she never has an opportunity to at home) and using Pauline's supposed poor work performance to put her on the spot is a good opportunity. The second twist comes when Leslie's finally had enough fun at Pauline's expense and drops the bomb that her performance has shown gains substantial enough for promotion, etc...

At this point, I didn't mind at all that the power shift occured and the ball fell in Pauline's court. I imagine she wouldn't mind the nervousness of disrobing before her boss and being led to believe that she'd damaged the company, because the reality of the matter is that she'd helped the company and made her 'friend' pleased with her performance. Everyone wins, I'd say. Pauline succeeded in pleasing her boss, did something positive for the company and fulfilled one of her lover's silent fantasies. Leslie's pleased that she pulled one over on her lover and reverts to candid home-like behavior. Pauline, seeing Leslie relax and not be such a stiff executive, feels comfortable in her nudity and station as the agressor/lead in their lovemaking.

* * *

In summation:

:Hammer on Leslie's professionalism. Keep her thoughts of fun/victory/sadism out of her actions and dialogue. Let us know through her private thoughts as the first person story teller.

:Give Pauline's meek/nervous behavior some merit (as well as shielding the truth of their relationship) by placing her in the President's debt personally and feeling her own sense of dismay/disappointment at having let her down.

erhaps instead of joking about Pauline's physical appearance, Leslie can say it seriously and make P's mouth hit the floor because she'd never heard an uncomplimentary thing from L about her body. This speaks to her added discomfort as well as the fact that they are happy together. It's a temporary moment that Leslie can apologize for/reneg on later when they shift into their normal family roles. It also convinces me that L is sticking to her professional demeanor by being uncompromising/unflattering.

:Surprise the reader with the fact that it was all a ruse. Pauline's performance at work led to success and Leslie was able to make her lover sweat and then make her happy by revealing all.

:I think a lot of sexual connotation could be added with very small details, and you have plenty of opportunity to show the reader how turned on L is by the game she's playing. Show us some of her inner thoughts...She's really nervous about being naked in front of me. That's amazing. Leslie thought to herself and felt her nipples grow hard. **and then right after she's thought it silently, she turns up the heat a little on Pauline.** "I see you don't bother shaving your legs from the knee up." Pauline shifts her weight from one foot to another, embarassed at being so exposed. "You know, you really should shave your legs all the way up, just in case the boss makes you take your clothes off." She laughed, then took a tissue and wiped her eyes. I pointed to the empty chair. She sat down, grateful to be able to cross her legs.

All in all:

I think the idea is great, the flow is great, the characters are strong and the finished product is going to be a very nice story.

~lucky

p.s. (I'm new here, so forgive me if this is too nitpicky or not nitpicky enough. Just getting my fins wet. If you have any questions or anything I've written above is unclear, please let me know. I'd be happy to try and explain better.)

 

[Pure]

Lucky said,

The only thing I'd mention about dialogue here is that you look at it from the perspective of them as lovers from the beginning. (Not showing the reader of course, but ask yourself how plausible it is that they, being a married couple, actually spoke to one another in this manner.) If they are to speak so stiffly as a President and Employee would, then I think Leslie needs to seem much more serious about her position as Pres. from the beginning. This would convince the reader that later on when they do begin to speak candidly during intimacy that it is actually the norm. In the beginning they are professional and stiff, but I don't think the dialogue carries enough of the professionalism necessary to convince me that it's realistic for a married couple to carry on so.

If I read Lucky correctly, here, and in the rest of her excellent posting, she's saying something I was trying to. Let me re state: There are signs and suspicions of complicity from the beginning. I don't know if you want this. Leslie is too kind and gentle. Pauline is embarrassed but like a lover in an early encounter, nude, in daylight. If you're going to take the reader up the garden path, I'd say there has to be more a 'hard edge' to things in the early parts of this scene. If you've decided to make it very romantic later, this will heighten the contrast.

Incidentally I read a nice story a while back of a woman going through customs, who's strictly called to account, strip searched, iirc. Turns out it's hubby, and a game.

I don't know your approach, angela. There could be 1) no clues; 2) clues, like in Agatha Christie, that no one, before the fact will realize are clues; or 3) fairly obvious clues. I think you're more toward 3) and the story I refer to is at 1). There is no right answer, of course.

Here is an example, possibly:

She paled. It's amazing that her skin can actually get whiter than it normally is. When she pales, she goes from chalky to death warmed over. Her hands shook. She looked at me, trying to read something from my face or body language, anything that would give her a clue as what I was up to.

It could be an oversight, or the narrator's grammar, but as it stands it seems to be a clue. 'When she pales...' is present tense, but in context it's the form of present that that denotes habit, as is "I go to school each day." So the narrator is showing familiarity with how P pales, what she looks like, doing so.

I rate it not quite a 2) unless rephrased a bit; closer to 3).

As has been said, the fact that you put a bit of subtlety and 'psychology' into a story, and thought about it, and jilled over it (as recommended by Sade) is vastly to your credit.

Best,
J.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I admire the way this is written, but I was confused as hell. I guess I’m just medieval, but first I thought the boss was a woman (because the story’s by a woman), but then when I read that Pauline was the boss’ wife, I figured the boss was male, and then finally female again. By that time I was so confused that I didn’t care what happened. Truth be told, I didn’t finish it first time through, because I had to scroll up and read the beginning a couple of times to see if I’d missed something. I’m all for gay marriage, but I guess I’m still bewildered by the implications.

So, as I say, I could admire the story, but I can’t say I liked it. After a while I thought it was more about springing surprises and cutting the ground out from beneath the reader than it was about anything else, and that’s just not my particular taste in stories. That might just be me, though, and maybe this gender-bending will really delight some people, I don’t know (I haven’t read the other comments yet).

I’ll also admit to not being turned on at all by Pauline. I can understand that the boss found her beautiful, but she turned me off. Sorry to be such a lookist/ageist/whatever, but the boss just didn’t communicate what she found so beautiful in Pauline to me, so I had no desire to be a party to whatever was going to transpire between them. It’s almost like you’re trying to work in anti-beauty, which is a legitimate type of erotica, I guess, but one that just doesn’t have much appeal to me.

You didn’t cut Pauline any slack either. She’s dumpy, overweight, and puffy from crying, and then to have her sit naked in what I presumed was a cheap plastic chair (don’t know why I thought it was a cheap plastic chair. I guess it just goes with the anti-eroticism) didn’t exactly bring the fire surging to my loins, if you know what I mean.

The biggest fault in the story—and maybe it’s the reason that I felt so manipulated--is that I really don’t think a married couple would ever get into this situation, straight or gay. How can they live together and not have discussed all these business matters? How could the boss let her “husband” walk around thinking she was doing a shitty job? It just doesn’t compute, so the firing is very contrived, and contrivance is what gives the jerked-around feeling. The central dramatic problem in telling this story is that they’re married yet you can’t tell us they’re married, but you chose to have them not even act as though they’re married. That’s cheating. It makes either the marriage or the firing come off as a sham.

But leaving aside the content of the story, I was impressed with the writing. It’s a very tough story to tell. You filled in the background while telling the story, which is always a good sign (a medicore writer would have stopped the action to spell out what had happened), although I thought there were times when too much was going on at one time. Trying to figure out what the boss’s intentions were for having her strip while trying to understand Pauline’s story and getting sales figures thrown at me were more than I could process at one time. There’s a lot of humor and wit in the writing, which is always good. In the end though it’s a ta-DAH! story that hinges on a revelation, and those aren’t my cup of tea. Ish you the best with it, though.

---dr.M.

Edited to add:

I went back and read the other comments, and I think they were all very good.

I still have my doubts about shock stories and whether they can be erotic. Sexual arousal doesn’t take kindly to sudden jiolts and surprises. But then there’s no rule that says every story here has to be erotic.

The only thing I would suggest here, is that Pauline is being called into the office for a performance review where she knows she’s going to catch hell, rather than for some sort of post-firing debriefing. It doesn’t make sense that she should be called on the carpet after she’s already been fired, and this would take care of that. It would also give you an excuse to let Leslie—is that her name? I’m still not sure—talk to her in that performance-review jargon that would conceal L’s real feelings. That would take care of having to disguise the fact that they have feelings for each other that go beyond professional.

The other thing: There’s no reason why a woman like Pauline can’t be beautiful. You don’t have to be young and pretty to be beautiful, and that’s what’s missing from this story for me. You really push our face into her defects, and, like Pure said, it’s quite sadistic. There must be something that makes her beautiful to L--Pauline's attitude, her posture, something--and it would be good if you shared that.

---dr.M.

 

[damppanties]

Angela,

A lovely story and something very different from most of the stuff around here. Good writing.

Most of the things have been said here anyway but I'll just touch on the points which ran through my mind as I read it before reading the comments.

The Leslie-Pauline interaction in the beginning appears like roleplay to me. With a small stumble with Pauline - Pauline appearing confused or a 'what the hell is happening here' expression on her face (maybe right at the start), you can make the action sharper with Les being very demanding and Pauline 'understanding' what's going on and getting into it. Then when you do tell us the relationship between the characters, they can get back into their own roles. (There was a fantastic story by Quasimodem which I wanted to link here as an example of the erotic surprise story but I went to his memberpage just now and saw that he has taken down all of his work.)

Another hiccup was when Pauline is described. Since you're writing this in first person, Pauline is described as Leslie sees her. IMO, it's just a bit mean to go all out and talk about sagging breasts and saddle-bag hips about a lover. I'd need some redeeming qualities too. Afterwards I was left wondering why she's staying with her if she sees Pauline in that light.

you said:
My "gimmic" is to have Leslie poke fun at Pauline's mediocre physical features in order to get her mind off of her "failure" as a saleswoman. She can get away with it because of their relationship.

Why not say Pauline was beautiful and the dip in her stomach where it makes a dimple is very becoming on her, in a dry, mater-of-fact voice - like Leslie is just listing out the latest sales figures? Like Leslie is doing Pauline a favour by acknowledging it. It would keep the control and power in Leslie's court and make Pauline a little more nervous and exposed. just an idea.

you said:
Couples who have been together a long time have to have some security that they each are attracted to the other "with all faults". I'm trying to use this as a metaphor to transfer to Pauline's business performance.

In other words, she knows that she doesn't have to have a perfect body in order to have a good marriage with Leslie. Hmmm... maybe she also doesn't have to be perfect and land every single customer in order to be a successful sales rep.

OK. I understand that but while she doesn't land every single customer, she still ends up making a profit. But if she is unattractive (as described by her lover) I fail to see how that can be anything positive. Perhaps you need to spend a few more lines on this.

What struck me most was that this story seems incomplete. Is it done? I mean, have you written 'The End' apart from the editing and stuff which you need to do on it? Somehow Leslie dissolving into Pauline and getting into her wifely role doesn't strike me as a good end. I feel cheated. What I'm trying to say here is that, to me, it lacks closure. Is this Part 1 of a longer series? If you plan to continue this, then it might seem okay, but if you intend to post it as a stand alone piece, I'd want more sex after they finish their 'roleplay'.

I wouldn't say I was confused by the story (like doc), just a bit puzzled as to why Les was behaving the way she was and why Pauline was supposed to 'trust her'. That can be fixed with the suggestions you've got.

doc says:
The biggest fault in the story—and maybe it’s the reason that I felt so manipulated--is that I really don’t think a married couple would ever get into this situation, straight or gay. How can they live together and not have discussed all these business matters? How could the boss let her “husband” walk around thinking she was doing a shitty job?

Actually doc, I can understand that. 1> Leslie is not Pauline's immediate boss and would not exactly keep tabs on which employee is doing what in the company. She would come to know only if there was a problem, as in Pauline's case. The big boss can't jump in every time there's a small probelm. 2> Even if she is looking at how Pauline is doing because of the personal relationship she has, she would wait -- because it is not exactly a problem as we are told later. There's ultimately a profit and an area for growth is created, etc. therefore, Pauline isn't doing anything 'wrong'.

To me, Les sees herself as the dominant one at work and she would not help Pauline at work until Pauline has really done something bad. She sees the current situation as a developing cause for her to get really dominant with Pauline in other ways (as it happened eventually) and is actually looking forward to it.
So, for me, the story worked.

I greatly enjoyed the story angela and I'm sure it will be better after you're done with it and ready to post. Good luck.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Angela,

Unfortunately, there's little I can add to what the others have said. Maybe it's a "guy" thing. Maybe it's just a "this guy" thing. But for whatever reason, the story didn't work for me.

Possibly, there was too much "fantasy" in a real-world setting for me to handle. Even the boss's door opening onto the hallway stopped me. While I'm sure there are exceptions, in my experience, the doors of big shots open onto a reception area of some sort. Verisimilitude aside, I couldn't relate to someone who says they love another person and then take pleasure in making them feel miserable. As we used to say back in the '60's, different strokes for different folks. But to this old folk, that's not fantasy, that's cruelty.

The following quote in one of your explanations caught my attention:

My "gimmic" is to have Leslie poke fun at Pauline's mediocre physical features in order to get her mind off of her "failure" as a saleswoman. She can get away with it because of their relationship.

I've never heard of any loving relationship in which one partner makes fun of the other's medicocre physcial features to get their mind off a failure. I can't even think of a quick example that doesn't sound ludicrous. But there are a lot of things I haven't seen, or done, or heard of in this world.

Sorry to be so negative. You are a good writer and I admire your willingness to "push the envelope." But in this case, you wrote a story this old guy just couldn't get into. Of course, that fact might be the best compliment your work can ever receive.

Rumple Foreskin