Grassroots Disc: The Earl 11-09-04 SDC main queue

[Pure]

The Earl is up this week. He's been away for a while, so we all welcome him back.

http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=107124

Comfort Food.

He will repost questions from the queue thread or new ones, below.

 

[TheEarl]

Bloody hell, that was quick. All hail our very swift director-of-traffic!

My story for sacrificial burning is Comfort Food. It's one of my favourite stories and I know of people who have liked it, but the general populace haven't taken to it as I'd have liked. Be careful what you say, for your comments may result in a rewrite .

Questions:
1. Do you believe in Amy as a character?
2. Is her mental transition smooth and believable, or are there points where it jars?
3. It's not my driving force, but why do you think it didn't attract the voters?
4. Do you like the resolution?

The Earl

 

[Penelope Street]

Earl,

I thought "Comfort Food" worthy of a thumbs-up, if nothing else by the virtue of being different. The pace, flow, and style were all to my liking.

Answers:
(1) I thought Amy was both believable and sympathetic; developed well enough for a work of this length.
(2) I'm not sure what transition is the source of concern; from depressed to aroused? Regardless, I thought the flow was fine and didn't detect any awkwardness.
(3) The rating may be low because the story is more sweet than arousing. Just a hunch, mind you. Few masturbation stories are all that arousing anyway, this one was as hot as any I have read. I've often wished there were two voting scales at Literotica; one for story quality, one for arousal factor.
(4) I'm afraid I didn't quite understand the resolution. Is Amy making a bid to rekindle the romance with Justin? Is she planning to given his a spiteful "see what you're missing" tease? Something else? Or is it meant to be open ended?

The old store was cute and the dog's milk was worth at least a smirk if not a chortle. I regretted not getting to meet the eccentric owner of the shop.

Given the title, I was expecting the ice cream to contain some exotic secret ingredient. I am unsure if this would have made the story better, but my hunch is that it could not have hurt- especially if Amy went back for more, didn't find any, and had to ask the proprietor. Did I mention I wanted to meet him?

The part about the mixture of sweat and ice cream was exquisite, though I would have liked to have read just a bit more about how she came to be so coated.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Varian P]

This is a delightful story. Imaginative, deliciously erotic, and though overall it's light and playful, it takes on a couple of my favorite themes: overcoming sexual guilt, and discovering oneself as a sexual creature.

Being one who is incapable of writing a scene, much less a story, in under 5000 words, I'm particularly impressed with the level of character and story development you achieved in such a tight little piece. Ahem.

I enjoyed the almost magical/supernatural aspect of the story. I was kind of sorry when she put the ice cream away, as I was afraid it would turn into a simple masturbation scene, and I was oh so pleased when she went back to the freezer and the ice cream got to work its magic some more. I like that we (or at least I) don't really know whether the ice cream actually had any aphrodisial properties, or whether Amy simply imagined it was the effects of her frozen dairy delight which caused her sudden submission to her impulse. But the idea that the ice cream may have some special properties make the whole scene much more intriguing and satisfying, whereas if this reserved girl just suddenly started smearing ice cream all over herself and masturbating, it would be patently silly unless handled with delicate care and skillful humor.

As I said, I think you did a nice job with the character development, especially given the length of the story. I do think that the nature of Amy's reluctant sexuality needs to be refined, though. You start off by telling us that she's been dumped for being frigid, and that she sees herself as "not highly sexed," and that she's been sexually active. So, later, when she is horrified that she's considering masturbating, it comes as quite a shock. Then, suddenly, we learn that she's a Christian, and that her religious beliefs have her convinced that masturbation is a sin. None of this makes much sense to me. Now, if that's your point—that the way people internalize and attempt to live according to the strictures of religious dogma is frequently confusing and inconsistent, I think you can do that, but you have to do it in a way that doesn't come across as inconsistency in the writing instead of inconsistency in the character. Hopefully that makes sense.

A more minor point with character is Amy's attitude toward Justin. In the first paragraph we learn that

he was selfish, narcissistic, ego-centric, self-obsessed, shallow and vain.

But at the end of the story, once she's discovered the joy of sex, she's ringing him to come over to 'talk.'

The implication is that the real problem was her issues with her sexuality. But, since she's given us a laundry list of his faults, I'm left wondering if he's really a jerk, and she just wants a shag, or what. You gave a very sensual flashback of an encounter between them which suggests that he was actually a very good lover, so I'm inclined to think the issue was, in fact, with Amy, but I still feel confused.

Erotically, this is one of the most sensual and effective masturbation scenes I've encountered. It's got a deliciously slow, teasing pace, wonderful imagery, and makes me want to go to the store and get some chocolate ice cream.

Right. Here are a few thoughts on little things along the way through the text:

Tears still pricked at the corners of her eyes

Ow! Sorry, that image jarred and cause me mental and emotional distress.

Tears brimmed, then started to leak quietly down her cheeks.

Ooh, yes, I like the leaking much better. Such a perfect verb, yet rarely seen to describe crying.

Amy grabbed for the towel and got out of the bath. This was going to require ice cream.

(I see, now that I've read the whole story, that the ice cream is essential to the story, and that in fact you may be deliberately toying with the very cliché for which I called you to the carpet in this little comment, but I'll leave it, just so you know what I was thinking as I read).

Nitpicky. NitPICKY. I have a mild but definite objection to the stereotype of women turning to ice cream, entire rolls of uncooked cookie dough, or bags of chocolate chips when they've been kicked to the curb—I don't know any women who actually binge on sweet food after a breakup, yet its everlastingly portrayed as the inevitable coping mechanism. If I encounter any fictional portrayal of the dumped girl, I just wonder, when are the copious quantities of fattening sweet foods coming out?

Thirty-two pence

Also nitpicky, and mind, I'm not a Brit, but as you seem to be going for a casual, conversational take on the narrative of her internal monologue, would she not be thinking, thirty-two p? Of course, now that I see it on the screen, it does look odd. But I've never heard any of my British friends say "pence."

They were dirt cheap sweets and ice creams imported from places like Kazakhstan and Bolivia. Probably a health hazard, but right now Amy was just responding to a primal need for ice cream.

Amy leant down into the waist high freezer and shuffled through the tubs of ice cream.

"Ice cream" is repeated with a bit too much density through here.

The gaudy labels and foreign words glared out from every pack. She hefted one out of the freezer and examined the label. Made from 100% dog’s milk. Maybe not that one.

Hysterical.

There was a sudden crunch from the mechanism of the freezer which echoed loudly around Amy’s head. Startled by the unexpected noise, she jumped, rattling her head off the side of the freezer. Fireworks exploded behind her eyes and stood up sharply. The sudden movement caused the world to move far too quickly and she swore, trying to ignore the jackhammers in her temple.

You've got great imagery and language through here—especially the "crunch" of the mechanism and the "jackhammers in her temple." I do wonder if you might tighten the passage up a bit, just to give it a bit more punch, since it's conveying something sudden and startling. For example, would this little edit work for the first sentence:

"A sudden, loud crunch from the freezer mechanism echoed around Amy’s head."

In the second sentence, you don't need to tell us the noise was unexpected—we infer that easily. So you could simply have:

"Startled, she jumped, rattling her head off the side of the freezer."

In the third sentence, I don't think you mean that the fireworks or her eyes stood up sharply, and the way the third and fourth sentences are broken up, it slows down what should be a flash moment. If you'll pardon the impudence, how about this:

"Startled, she jumped, rattling her head off the side of the freezer and setting off an explosion of fireworks behind her eyes. The world lurched as she jerked upright, trying to ignore the jackhammers in her temple."

I'm not trying to rewrite your passage—just to illustrate with a concrete example.

She popped the lid off and prodded the contents. It had been nicely softened by the walk home and her fingertip left a satisfying imprint in the surface of the ice cream. Tentatively, she licked her finger.

Fabulous.

She licked her finger again. Damn this ice cream tasted good. She grabbed a spoon and dug out a mouthful, allowing it to glide past her lips before sliding onto her tongue. Her tongue pressed against the top of her mouth, squeezing the lump of chocolate to force it onto her tastebuds.

Also fabulous. This description is dangerously close to redeeming the cliché of the inevitable dumped girl ice cream binge.

centring

Typo? Crazy British orthography? You be the judge.

his fingertips brushed against the slick cotton of her panties.

Hmmm. So, generally cotton isn't slick (as opposed to silk or satin or nylon, which might be so described). If you're conveying that she's aroused and wet, still this modifier isn't working for me, as, if he's touching the outside of her panties, she'd really have to be terribly wet for the fabric to be slick.

Amy whimpered, her entire body on the verge of orgasm as she thought about Justin. Without realising it, one hand had crept to her breast and was toying with it, squeezing it and rolling her palm over the silk of her blouse. The other was resting between her thighs and had started to rub herself through the crotch of her trousers. A strangled moan escaped from her mouth.

Suddenly she opened her eyes and noticed what she was doing. Amy leapt out of her chair with a squeal.

I'm confused as to why she is so shocked by what she's doing—is it the masturbation? Or is it that she's thinking of Justin as she's doing it? You've let us know that she's a bit reserved sexually, but still I found this surprising to the point of distraction.

Amy shook her head. Where were all of these thoughts coming from? She was a good Christian girl – why was she even considering masturbation? She took a deep breath. She had self-control; she could resist temptation.

Hmmm. Alright, here you're giving us her rationale, but, unless I'm confused about the Christian morality thing, shouldn't shagging Justin be worse than masturbating? Or at least as bad? Why, after x days, weeks, or months of screwing hey boyfriend (I'm assuming they weren't married) is she ashamed to so much as consider masturbating?

Suddenly she felt the ice cream touching her pussy and she yelped as the sudden cold metamorphosed into a deep heat building up inside of her. Sparks crackled…

Youch! Please no sparks crackling in the vicinity of the delicate little pussy!!

Everything else all through this escapade in self-love is tasty!

Oh, good grief—I've just remembered your actual questions. OK, forget everything above.

Here we go.

1) Amy as a character. Uh, see above.
2) The mental transition. Hmmm. I found the transition totally believable. I think this was helped immensely by the magical powers of the Produkt von Liechtenstein—the supernatural impact of it heating her body and all that other wonderful stuff you had there.
3) Voters? I have proven to myself that I understand nothing about why people vote high or low.
4) The resolution. I could like the resolution, if I understood better whether Justin's really a jerk, or if Amy was merely trying to make herself feel better about the breakup when she made him sound that way at the beginning of the story, OR if I knew that she was now so liberated that she is just calling him over for a quick fuck, to then tell him after she'd gotten what she need that he'd be missing out from now on.

Hope something in there was helpful.

-Varian

 

[TheEarl]

Thank you both for the critiques. Just to answer a few queries:

1. In English (as opposed to American English), it's spelt centre, not center, so it is just crazy British orthography.

2. You're kinda right about the 32 pence bit, I'd have probably thought 32p, but ther's an equally good chance I would have thought pence. Not much in it either way and i though pence looked better when written.

3. The resolution: I think I wanted to give the impression that she's calling Justin to get back together as she's realised the error of her ways and all of her criticism earlier was coloured by the fact that they were incompatible in bed. However, the only picture we have of Justin is that which she gives us, which is that he's a tosser, so it doesn't make huge amounts of sense her getting back together with him. Hmmm I'll have to think about that. Anybody with any suggestions on how that could be make clearer/more concrete, do tell.

Thank you both again.

The Earl

 

[Mark James]

Thumbs Up

The Earl:
I wrote this critique in two parts. The first part consists of my raw notes which I made as I read the story. The second part consists of a more cogent (I hope) discussion of the points I make in the first part. Hope this format is ok with you. It gives my first raw impressions best I think.

Excellent use of detail:

Specific descriptions of what Justin had wanted her to do. And if she really didn’t want to do it, the reader is already wondering why she’s thinking about it in such detail while she’s naked in a warm bath?

Good detail – her cold bed, all on her own. Gives a good image of the character’s psychological state without wacking the reader over the head with it.

Good opening – establishes the main problem/conflict of the story immediately. The opening point of the story gives the reader a good idea of who Amy is or has been until now,

I liked the detail of her hands clenched inside her pockets, where no one can see. It already gives the reader the feel of hidden things, secret things that maybe Amy hides even from herself. It’s already setting up the possibility of transformation.

Excellent use of Kev’s shop to establish even more firmly the staidness (sameness), tradition laden nature of Amy’s life. She’s lived in the same place since she was a little girl, and gone to the same stores. Again, the reader begins to suspect a transformation may be in the works for this character. Maybe that ringing bell is a signal of change to come?

Earl:

Those are the notes I made to myself as I read the story. I like to do both a “during” and “after” critique for myself to see if the writer was successful in leading me where he/she wanted me to go.

Here are my overall thoughts:

The introduction to the story, the character is great. Your setup is phenomenal. That’s something I have trouble with as a writer. I have to really work my drafts to introduce and set up characters without the beginning becoming the whole damn thing. So, bravo there, good job.

I thought the setting of Amy’s psychological state in the beginning was perfect for the kind of character that you’re creating. I don’t know if the following things were intentional or not, but here’s how I read into the subtext of the story.

Although Amy thinks Justin was a “pervert”, she remembers with nearly perfect clarity all the perverse things he wanted her to do. That says to me that she’s gone over those things in her mind again and again. Why is that? I suggest that she remembers those “perversions” so well because, under her disgust, she’s intrigued. That already set up the conflict in the character, right in the beginning for me.

The walk to the shops was great. It’s a grey day, overcast, and obviously a small town. Although you don’t say so, I get the feeling that Amy doesn’t venture much out past the confines of her little world of the center (except to work, etc) and I thought that paralleled nicely with the statement later in the story that she’d never been naked anywhere but in the bathroom or her bedroom. Amy starts out as a very confined, staid, traditional woman who came across to me, from the very beginning as being severely sexually repressed.

I point to her “cold bed” and the way her fingers clench in her pockets, and the fact that she doesn’t realize she’s doing it. That gave me a clear indication that this is a character who has parts of her psyche that are hidden from her. It was subtle, but I thought the fact that she didn’t realize her hands were clenched, added to the idea of her being repressed and wanting things she couldn’t dare admit, even to herself.

I loved the sweet shop. There used to be a store like that in the town where I went to college. It was quite wonderful. I liked the bell over the door. To me, that bell signaled that a transition was coming, because you wrote that the bell was nostalgic to Amy, yet she’s going to the store specifically to forget about Justin. To me that signaled that the author is already foreshadowing a change coming for the character. The dust on the floor also signaled a change to me. Again, if Amy is there to specifically engage in the act of forgetting, the dust on the floor signified to me that perhaps the character needs to leave her own marks/footsteps in that dust, thereby bringing change.

The masturbation scene itself was great. I found it highly erotic. That was the payoff for the change/transformation that you set up in the beginning. The flashback to Justin again reveals a hidden part of Amy that she cannot reconcile and from which she tries to run, but can’t hide.

As you can see I devoted most of my critique to the set up of the story because I felt that that’s where the real “working” of the story took place. The masturbation scene followed naturally from your great setup, without coming off as silly or ridiculous.

I also liked the use of ice cream (something frigid), which melts, as Amy herself melts at the end of the story.

Now, to your questions:

A:
Amy is absolutely believable as a character because her psyche seems to represent the deep split that we all have between dogmatic belief systems (usually religion or “family values”) and our own human desires. The action of the story consists of Amy working out that conflict, which made her totally believable for me.

B:
I found her mental transition to be smooth because, as I mentioned above, you begin the set up for the transition from the beginning. By the time it came, I was already expecting it, so I didn’t find it jarring at all.

C:
I don’t know why it didn’t attract the voters. I place absolutely no value on that. I like genuine feedback, not silly numbers. (sorry if I offended with that last)

D:
I loved the resolution, because Amy is taking a step toward resolving the split in her psyche. For me, the beauty of the resolution is that, the way you wrote Amy, she’ll never be sure. She’s too deeply steeped in Christianity to ever have any level of comfort or reconciliation with who she is or what her sexual needs are. I suspect that eventually she’ll dump Justin because of her own guilt and find another Justin, and the cycle will begin again. The only comfort that Amy will ever have, I think, is “Comfort Food”.

Well done.

Mark

 

[Varian P]

1. In English (as opposed to American English), it's spelt centre, not center, so it is just crazy British orthography.

Silly me. "Centre" looks perfectly natural to me, but somehow "centring" threw me. This is all so educational.

3. The resolution: I think I wanted to give the impression that she's calling Justin to get back together as she's realised the error of her ways and all of her criticism earlier was coloured by the fact that they were incompatible in bed. However, the only picture we have of Justin is that which she gives us, which is that he's a tosser, so it doesn't make huge amounts of sense her getting back together with him. Hmmm I'll have to think about that. Anybody with any suggestions on how that could be make clearer/more concrete, do tell.

My 2p

One way you might do this would be to alter the picture of Justin that Amy gives us. Instead of

She would have dumped him eventually anyway: he was selfish, narcissistic, ego-centric, self-obsessed, shallow and vain. In that order.


you might use adjectives which at fiirst blush make us think he's a tosser, but whcih, once the story is at the point of resolution, might be interpreted as stemming from Amy's issues with sex. I'd leave "selfish" because that's a typical sexual complaint of women against men, and the flashback passage shows that he was probably actually quite attentive to her pleasure. You could also leave narcissistic or vain, IMO, because neither is such a great crime, but I'd choose between them because they're quite similar. Maybe lose ego-centric and self-obsessed and bring in something like "pushy" or "bossy" or "demanding" -- something which at first would likely be taken as an overall trait, but which might later be revealed to be her interpretation of intense sexual advances of the kind you've described for us.

I like that you don't do an explicit exposition that she's changed her mind about him--it will be lovely if you can get this across to us subtly, per the setup of the current story. Maybe one other little glimpse of him, in which he's being sexy and wonderful and she's feeling uncomfortable?

I hope that's helpful.

-Varian

 

[MLyons]

Hi TheEarl!

I read your story twice. Let me see if I can come up with any coherent reactions.

To be honest, I thought that the first part of it (before she got home with the ice cream) was more interesting than that second part. I think I say that because there's some good characterization and establishment of mood and setting in such a small space. The piece doesn't dwell on history, but instead gives us what we need to know right away and then starts in on Amy's actions. Obviously, you know what you're doing there.

The walk to get ice cream is interesting. The discovery of her lack of money was interesting, and the "discount" sweets shop she finally finds herself patronizing is PARTICULARLY interesting. All of this not only gives us a great backdrop for the main event later, but at the same time, it kind of presents us with the idea that there's something... off-kilter or mysterious at work. There's something almost supernautral about the environment, and I liked that alot. It was intriguing and very economically done.

This establishment of environment somehow managed to make me avoid asking more obvious questions that would have cropped up if I'd gotten a more naturalistic vibe... like why is there dust everywhere in the shop? Why were their glass jars in the freezer? Or what is the significance of the sort of tongue-in-cheek dog's milk reference? Things like that. Somehow I took it all in as part of a grand design.

Now you can start laughing at me for inferring things that you never intended. It wouldn't be the first time I've done that... Anyway, it wasn't an overwhelming or even predominant feeling at all... just undercurrents and it was well done.

When I got to the second half of the story, though, what you'd set up earlier didn't seem to carry through. That strange feeling was gone. Even though the ice cream seemed to have a strange effect on her, I'd still somehow lost that sublimely subtle sense of magic that I'd felt before. It quickly became a woman somehow getting in touch with the sexiness of ice cream, which I have to admit does very little for me personally, but that's neither here nor there.

The trick is, what would I have wanted to see? That's a tough one. I wouldn't have wanted to see more blatant oddities in the "supernatural" sense for a lack of a better term. The environment you set up at the beginning was just great... subtle and yet affecting. Somehow I would have liked it if that kind of world you'd created was somehow sustained throughout her masturbation scene. The real question is, how does that tie in and work with the believablilty you're trying to achieve with her transition from prudish Catholic girl to a liberated sexual being? I'm just not sure. What I'm finding though is that the elements that you've introduced and the way you are manipulating them don't seem to coalesce into a cohesive whole the way the story stands now.

It seems to me that you should use one to compliment and drive the other. In the real world, I would find it highly unlikely, even laughably unbelievable, that one tub of regular everyday ice cream would affect the transition that Amy goes through with a single masturbation session. On the other hand, I didn't have that problem here, largely BECAUSE of the sort of quasi-real environment you've created, and the idea that something else is at work here besides just sticky chocolate and frigid spoons. Somehow, though, I feel that this could all be much more effective, if you'd really set out to integrate her environment with her transformation, if that makes any sense whatsoever.

I'm afraid I might not be giving you any feedback that's actionable here, but I find it hard to say how I would go about this, except to perhaps approach any revisions you might make with this juxtaposition in mind. What is it about this particular event that prompts Amy's transformation? Is there something else at work here besides just her having made herself orgasm? I think there has to be, but I'm just not clear on what it is. It could be that this is the perfect time... that the events in her life and her thoughts about her past are all kind of coming to a head and meeting in a mind-changing event of discovery. I think that's possible and doable, and has the potential to be beautiful, especially with the tiny subtle hints that something she doesn't understand may be driving her as well. As it stands, that ... power behind what happens to her is missing right now.

I don't know. I'll stop rambling and try to answer your questions:

1. Do you believe in Amy as a character?

Well, I BELIEVE her as a character. I mean, she's believable. I'm not sure that I feel her though. I'm not sure I completely understand her, or empathize with her. The story is trying to do a lot in a small space, and what you have works well in bringing Amy's character out, but I don't feel like I'm really engaged in what's happening to her, and I think that's a matter of finding those little details that make her a real person, a real human, as it were. It's not that she's not believable, it's just that at this point, for me, she's not completely palpable either... if that makes any sense.

2. Is her mental transition smooth and believable, or are there points where it jars?

I think I might have covered this to death already--and I'm afraid I might have misread your intent anyway, so I think I might quit while I'm behind on this question.

3. It's not my driving force, but why do you think it didn't attract the voters?

Well, besides what I've already said (and I really don't know if what I've already offered would be a help or a hindrance to this story...), I really didn't find the actual masturbation scene very sexy. I can see where it COULD have been sexy for me, but I do have a bias against mixing food with sex, but that's a personal hang-up of mine and should not be considered a disadvantage to the story at all. Given that I have this bias, I think perhaps there might be too much emphasis on the eroticism of the ice cream during her masturbation. Ice cream doesn't turn me on.... Amy does. And to read the story, it would seem the emphasis is more on the ice cream than on her. I think that's the best way I can say it, as a reader.

4. Do you like the resolution?

Well, it was not a big surprise, and I did see where it was going long before we got there, but I did like it, yes. Again, I found the confidence with which she emerged from the transition a bit too brazen perhaps, but that might have been because the event itself just didn't seem that life-changing to me. I would have liked to see more how this might have been a real turning point for her, because of a coalescence of a number of different thoughts and events that kind of culminate in this one, simple, powerful moment, that now somehow has changed her outlook forever. Disitilling the catalyst for that enourmous change down to a simple tub of ice-cream is, I believe, possible, but it requires some real tricky-Dick writing, and I didn't think it was entirely successful here.

Ok. Enough of my blathering on. Please ignore whatever you deem complete nonesense in the above. I could have grossly misinterpretted your intentions for this story. Like I said, it wouldn't be the first time...

It's a good story as it is--with nice, tight writing. Thanks for offering it up for all of us to ruminate on.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

As everyone has said, the writing was beautiful, especially at the start. It was just the right blend of internal musing and extrnal action, and it carried the story along wonderfully and effortlessly. There’s a sense of character and place and situation, and everything she does is interesting and revealing of character. It’s really very well done.

My problem was that the transition from prude to libertine (for want of a better word) doesn’t work for me. The ice cream scene was great, but it didn’t really explain her sudden sexual blossoming to me. I just think it would take a lot more than the feel of ice cream dripping down your body.

Part of that is because I think her experience of the ice cream is entirely sensual and excludes any sort of rational reappraisal of what she’s feeling. There’s none of the mental re-evaluation and rationalization that I think would accompany this kind of conversion in sexual attitude.

The second half of the story also gets very claustrophobic for me. We’re entirely in Amy’s head now, and the wonderful sense of Amy in the world that we had at the beginning is gone. There’s very little external action, and so we don’t see any external manifestations of her change.

I also must admitthat I expected something supernatural to happen. Kev’s has the feel of the weird curiosity shop where magical things are found, and I was sue that the ice cream was going to be enchanted. I was still waiting for that shoe to drop by the time I’d finished, so it left me feeling kind of cheated.

I don’t know, Earl. I think this is a very very difficult story to write: to explain how a girl’s sexual attitudes could change so completely from the simple sensual pleasure of eating ice cream might just be impossible.

Do I believe Amy as a character? Yes. She’s beautifully realized.

Do I believe the transition? No. I just can’t buy it. It’s the main failure of the story for me, and it’s a biggie.

Why didn’t it attract the voters? Because it’s sensual, not sexual. Compared to the attention you paid to the sensuality of eating ice cream, the sex gets short shrift.

Do I like the resolution? The resolution hit me from left field. Since I didn’t buy her transition, the ending was a total surprise to me.

I guess I can believe that the ice cream could make her a more sensual person, but that’s not the same as making her a more sexual person. There are barriers and snags to being sexually liberated that she doesn’t deal with, and that’s what bothers me.

Other than that, it’s truly a stunning pice of writing in my opinion.

---dr.M.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

First off, the idea is great. You don't see too many things on lit where you go, Wow, never seen that before. Good show there.

I agree with Doc on the transition, "virgin to vixen" transitions in one experience, sans partner, are just not very realistic. A lifetime of experience goes into sexual attitudes, even the best experience takes a while to digest and people usually progress hesitantly, in fits and starts, towards a more open attitude.

Do I believe Amy as a character? For me, I believe her no more or less than any character in a short story. She is somewhat sympathetic, and the everyday foul ups like leaving her purse make her human to me, but her inital attitudes towards sex make her a hard character to connect with. Since most girls I have known with such attitudes have a strong moral/religious upbringing to get them there, I think I mentally tend to connect her with girls I have known and on average, they were kinda preachy and disagreeable.

Do I believe the transition? No. The first time I had sex with a another woman it was awful. The second time rocked my world. The third time was even better, if possible. There was almost a year between one and two. And nearly four months between two and three. Two and three being with the same woman. I wasn't that big a prude, but there was a lot of mental gymnastics and soul searching involved. Even an experience that has you walking around with that I've just been fucked to oblivion smile for a week still takes time to digest, put into perspective and interior walls to break down.

That said, you don't have that kind of time to spend in a short erotic work. In the context of literotica, the transition is no more harsh or unbelieveable as much of what you see in other categories, specifically N/C where mental shifts are simply unbelieveable quite often.

Why didn’t it attract the voters? I think you need to look at Category first. I haven't posted anything to this category, but you should ask folks who have if it's a strong vote category or not, it may have nothing to do with the story. You probably lost the stroke readers when the ice cream she picked wasn't 11 inches long and shaped like a cock, sad but true.

Do I like the resolution? It seemed very abrupt to me. I think like Doc I was expecting something magivcal from Kev's and when that didn't materialize I was kinda left pouting. Beyond that, since I was having trouble with the transition it seems pretty reasonable I wouldn't be ready for the resolution.

It's beautifully written, unique and far more sensual and detailed than most lit fare. Defintely a fun read. Well, done.

-Colly

 

[Varian P]

"Believable" vs. "Realistic"

Hello again...Earl? The Earl? Sire?

Anyway, having read a few others' comments, and further reflecting on my own, I find myself intrigued by this issue you've raised in your questions re: the believability of the protagonist's transition from prude to vixen.

I think there are two different ways (at least) of considering her change: is it realistic? and is it believable?

I think in my initial response I was answering the second--is it believable, though I didn't explicitly make the distinction.

In my opinion, in this story, the magical elements are the key to the believability of the trasnformation. Incredible, impossible things can happen in stories, and if we believe in the magical dimension of the world we're in, we'll believe in impossible transformations (ie: Salman Rushdie's "Satanic Verses" or Angela Carter's "Nights at the Circus").

I suspect that the believability of Amy's change hinges on the magic off the sweet shop being brought a little bit into her world--perhaps through mood, perhaps a little dust has clung to her trousers--I don't know, something more than the icecream, to make us believe that there are forces at work, that there's more to her transformation that a hot session of self-love.

 

[TheEarl]

In the real world, I would find it highly unlikely, even laughably unbelievable, that one tub of regular everyday ice cream would affect the transition that Amy goes through with a single masturbation session. On the other hand, I didn't have that problem here, largely BECAUSE of the sort of quasi-real environment you've created, and the idea that something else is at work here besides just sticky chocolate and frigid spoons.

My problem was that the transition from prude to libertine (for want of a better word) doesn’t work for me. The ice cream scene was great, but it didn’t really explain her sudden sexual blossoming to me. I just think it would take a lot more than the feel of ice cream dripping down your body.

...

I also must admitthat I expected something supernatural to happen. Kev’s has the feel of the weird curiosity shop where magical things are found, and I was sue that the ice cream was going to be enchanted. I was still waiting for that shoe to drop by the time I’d finished, so it left me feeling kind of cheated.

I don’t know, Earl. I think this is a very very difficult story to write: to explain how a girl’s sexual attitudes could change so completely from the simple sensual pleasure of eating ice cream might just be impossible.

Do I like the resolution? It seemed very abrupt to me. I think like Doc I was expecting something magivcal from Kev's and when that didn't materialize I was kinda left pouting. Beyond that, since I was having trouble with the transition it seems pretty reasonable I wouldn't be ready for the resolution.

I suspect that the believability of Amy's change hinges on the magic off the sweet shop being brought a little bit into her world--perhaps through mood, perhaps a little dust has clung to her trousers--I don't know, something more than the icecream, to make us believe that there are forces at work, that there's more to her transformation that a hot session of self-love.

Bugger. All of you say that there's a sense of something magical in the story, but none of you have really embraced the idea that there's something off-kilter about the ice-cream that facilitates her transformation. It's meant to be a magical kick-start.

Ho hum. Well, that means that I hit a wrong note somewhere, but I'm not 100% sure where. I was certain that I'd enforced the idea of aphrodisiac firmly enough, but then again, I knew what my original idea was, so I'm biased.

I need help on this, as I'd like to rewrite it - either to add to the real life of the change and give a bit more rationale, or to beef up the mysticals and give magical rationale. Any thoughts on how either would be achieved?

The grateful Earl

 

[Varian P]

Bugger. All of you say that there's a sense of something magical in the story, but none of you have really embraced the idea that there's something off-kilter about the ice-cream that facilitates her transformation. It's meant to be a magical kick-start.

I did notice that there was something special about the icecream--this is from my first post:

I enjoyed the almost magical/supernatural aspect of the story. I was kind of sorry when she put the ice cream away, as I was afraid it would turn into a simple masturbation scene, and I was oh so pleased when she went back to the freezer and the ice cream got to work its magic some more. I like that we (or at least I) don't really know whether the ice cream actually had any aphrodisial properties, or whether Amy simply imagined it was the effects of her frozen dairy delight which caused her sudden submission to her impulse.

Perhaps I wasn't as clear as I should have been. I thought that the ice cream was working like a magical aphrodisiac in the story, but I also thought you didn't wield it like a baseball bat--it was done sublty enough that at the end, one could wonder whether something truly fantastical (or chemical) had happened, or whether Amy kind of tricked herself into letting go (a Wizzard of Oz sort of transformation, or like any other number of stories where people are given something, told it has magical powers, and they act as if they really had the force on their side, only to learn that the totem was a placebo and the power was really inside them all along).

If you want to play up the magical aspect, just keeping some of the mood from the sweet shop might serve you. The way you describe what Amy sees when she opens the freezer door to retrieve the the ice cream -- maybe there's freezer mist swirling around it. I don't know, but I think maintaining the air of something larger at work than a tub of funky ice cream may be the key to making us believe in Amy's transformation.

-Varian

 

[MLyons]

Perhaps I wasn't as clear as I should have been. I thought that the ice cream was working like a magical aphrodisiac in the story, but I also thought you didn't wield it like a baseball bat--it was done sublty enough that at the end, one could wonder whether something truly fantastical (or chemical) had happened, or whether Amy kind of tricked herself into letting go (a Wizzard of Oz sort of transformation, or like any other number of stories where people are given something, told it has magical powers, and they act as if they really had the force on their side, only to learn that the totem was a placebo and the power was really inside them all along).

If you want to play up the magical aspect, just keeping some of the mood from the sweet shop might serve you. The way you describe what Amy sees when she opens the freezer door to retrieve the the ice cream -- maybe there's freezer mist swirling around it. I don't know, but I think maintaining the air of something larger at work than a tub of funky ice cream may be the key to making us believe in Amy's transformation.

-Varian

Right right right!

Here's what I think. I agree with Varian, that I wouldn't necessarily want any more blatancy about how the ice cream was affecting this change. However, I do think it would have been nice if you'd somehow managed to keep that setting... that mood that you'd created in the sweet shop and carried it through to the rest of the story.

Beyond that though, I think it should be like Varian suggested. I think it would be effective if you'd managed to have the reader asking whether it was the ice cream... or just emotional timing that made Amy change her mindset. In this way, I think the answer might be to make this masturbatory event a sort of culmination--a flash point where a lot of her inner conflicts (some of which might therefore have to be a bit more defined and visceral than they are now) come to a head in one night. The magical aspects of it can be the catalyst for sure, but I think there should be more hints of a realistic change on the horizon for her. I think the aphrodisiac / magical presence AND this sort of emotional turning point should happen at once--complimenting each other. This would make the whole change more believable, while still suggesting that she would not have gone through this change without the sweet shop, and the ice cream's help. I don't know if that makes any sense, or if that's the direction you'd want to go, but that's what I was getting at when I wrote my initial reactions.

As others have said, you've attempted something that's extraordinarily challenging.

Varian's first post brings up a lot of the problems and inconsistencies of Amy's thinking, and I think one way to make this a really powerful story is to find a way to bring the events of her life and thinking to a head at the same time that she's found this strange chocolate ice cream. I think that's how I'd approach it anyway--not that I know what the hell I'm doing, mind you.

Anyway, take care not to misinterpret everyone here. Your story is economical and beautifully told as it is--and it works in its establishment of mood, character and setting. For me, though it's not really hitting me on a visceral level yet, and that is perhaps the most difficult thing to achieve. Again, perhaps my tact is the wrong one, but I do believe that in one way or another you can find one that works.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

TheEarl,

This is the type of imaginative work I’ve come to expect from you. It’s not a bad story but, IMHO, it has problems. One thing you might want to do is run a search for HAD and THAT. They keep slipping in and slowing the pace. There seemed to be a lot of unneeded past perfect in the opening sections, which also slows things down.

With any luck, most of my comments will be self-explanatory. With a lot of luck, one or two of them may actually be helpful.

Rumple Foreskin

--

1. Do you believe in Amy as a character?
RF: Yes. I think she was well-done and has possibilities.

2. Is her mental transition smooth and believable, or are there points where it jars?
RF: It was smooth, if implausible for a story that was not fantasy.

3. It's not my driving force, but why do you think it didn't attract the voters?
RF: This is all, strictly, IMHO:
a. Wrong category. It should have been in fantasy.
b. Slow development with no sex until the second half.
c. Sentences that were unnecessarily long
d. Too much flab in the prose.
e. Due to c & d, a relatively slow pace.

4. Do you like the resolution?
RF: Yes. I'd thought the boyfriend might call.

--

Amy lay back in her bath and tried not to think about Justin. She was determined that she wasn’t going (JAS: OMIT “THAT SHE WASN’T GOING” ADD “NOT”) to get upset about him. She would have dumped him eventually(COMMA) anyway: (OMIT THE COLON, BEGIN A NEW SENTENCE) he was selfish, narcissistic, ego-centric, self-obsessed, shallow and vain. In that order.

How could he dump her for being frigid? It wasn’t like they’d(“THEY” TRY TO STAY OUT OF PAST PERFECT) never had sex; it was just that she wasn’t a very highly sexed person. And Justin was way out there. He’d wanted to use handcuffs and vibrators and have phone sex with her. He’d(HE) even asked her to masturbate in front of him(COMMA) for God’s sake. Amy shuddered. Pervert. She was better off without him.

Tears still pricked at the corners of her eyes and she sunk further into the bubbles, trying to prevent them from spilling over. She didn’t need him;(NEW SENTENCE) all she needed was a nice quiet bath and then into bed. Into bed alone. Into her cold bed all on her own. Tears brimmed, then started to leak quietly down her cheeks.

Amy grabbed for the towel and got out of the bath. This was going to require ice cream. (GREAT LINE)

***

It was a fifteen minute walk to the shops and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) with every step(COMMA) Amy could feel the loneliness grow until it was almost overwhelming. The persistent drizzle trickled down the back of her neck and she shivered. It felt as though she’d been walking for hours without actually(OMIT “ACTUALLY”) getting anywhere. Her hands were plunged deep in the coat she’d flung on and (IMHO, OMIT THE OPENING PART OF THIS SENTENCE. BEGIN HERE) she noticed that(OMIT “THAT”) her fingers were clenching at the bottom of the(OMIT “THE” ADD “HER”) pockets, curling into fists around the material.(WORDY)

It was only as she finally reached the grey line of shops that(WHICH) masqueraded as a town center(COMMA) that she realised her complete lack of a purse. Amy leant back against the nearest wall and shut her eyes, allowing a second to wallow in her despair. It wasn’t fair; she was having a shitty enough day as it was. She didn’t deserve to have to go home to fetch her purse.

She fumbled in her pockets, hoping against hope that there was enough loose change to make up a Carte D’or’s worth or at least a Tesco’s value. Thirty-two pence. Nowhere near enough. She stared at the rain-laden skies and debated briefly whether it was worth going back for her purse.

Amy rummaged through her coat again, praying that(OMIT) there was another coin that(OMIT “THAT”) she’d missed. Thirty(HYPHEN)two pence wasn’t even enough for a Mars bar. She needed something, if only to give her the energy to face the walk home.

Then an idea hit her. What about Kev’s (B?)bargains? It wouldn’t be good quality ice cream, but right now she was willing to accept anything. She smiled as she walked towards Kev’s shop, wondering how the hell he managed to stay in business.

***

Kev had been a fixture in Walton for as long as Amy could remember and was something of a local running joke. To call him eccentric was one hell of an understatement. He was about 70 years old and ran an archaic sweets shop full of ancient jars of boiled sweeties and gobstoppers, located right in the middle of the high street. The property was probably worth a mint, but he showed no signs of shutting up shop and retiring.

Amy pushed open the door, enjoying the nostalgia of the tinkling bell. Kev’s shop had always been (THE) first stop for Amy’s pocket money when she was younger. Other shops had more variety and better chocolates, but Kev’s had something weird about it. It was so olde-worlde that it seemed almost an anachronism, even then and the aura it had made it completely different from everywhere else in the(OMIT “THE”) town. Ancient jars of sweets lined the shelves and the floor was coated in a thin layer of dust. Amy breathed in the musty air, all of her troubles temporarily forgotten as she looked around the store.

Kev didn’t even make an appearance behind the counter at the doorbell. He was so trusting, so(OMIT THIS “SO”) sure that people would take what they wanted and leave the money on the desk. The theory appeared to work though;(OMIT “THOUGH” AND THE SEMI-COLON, BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) Amy could see a good bit of money lying unattended on the desk. It lay there, briefly tempting her to ‘borrow’ some to get decent ice cream, before she rejected the idea. Stealing from Kev would be like stealing pocket money from a five(HYPHEN)year old.

She wandered over to Kev’s bargain freezer, poking absent-mindedly at the jars on the shelves. Kev’s bargains would have been superb for students, if there had been a university anywhere near. (IS THE CONTRARY TRUE? WOULD THEY HAVE “NOT” BEEN SUPERB FOR STUDENTS IF THERE “WAS” A UNIVERSITY NEARBY?)They were dirt(HYPHEN)cheap sweets and ice creams imported from places like Kazakhstan and Bolivia. Probably a health hazard,(NEW SENTENCE) but right now Amy was just responding to a primal need for ice cream.

Amy leant down(OVER?) into the waist high freezer and shuffled through the tubs of ice cream. The gaudy labels and foreign words glared out from every pack. She hefted one out of the freezer and examined the label. Made from 100% dog’s milk. Maybe not that one. (OH, YUMMY. )

“There must be something decent in here somewhere,” she muttered to herself as she dug deeper and deeper into the pile, her head disappearing into the freezer as she sifted through the hoards of avocado flavoured ice-cream. Her hand closed around a promising looking container and she twisted it to examine the label.

There was a sudden crunch from the mechanism of the freezer which echoed loudly around Amy’s head. Startled by the unexpected noise, she jumped, rattling her head off the side of the freezer. Fireworks exploded behind her eyes and stood up sharply.(THE FIREWORKS STOOD UP SHARPLY?) The sudden movement caused the world to move far too quickly and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) she swore, trying to ignore the jackhammers in her temple.

She waited for the thudding vibrations in her head to quieten down and stop trying to crush her eyeballs and examined(JAS: OMIT “AND EXAMINED” ADD “BEFORE EXAMINING”) the ice cream she was clasping. The tub was cylindrical(COMMA) which boded well for nice ice cream, but the writing on the label was written(OMIT “WRITTEN”) in German, which didn’t. Produkt von Liechtenstein was written all over it and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) Amy was about to discard it until she noticed a magic word written on the side. Schokolade.

***

Amy sat down in the most comfortable chair she could find and examined her prize. When she’d(SHE) first found it, the fact that it was chocolate flavoured had been the most important thing in the world. Now that she’d(SHE) had time to look at it properly, it seemed a little weird. There was nothing she could really put her finger on, but something about it was odd.

She popped the lid off and prodded the contents. It had been nicely softened by the walk home (UNTIL THIS POINT, I THOUGHT SHE WAS STILL AT THE STORE. MIGHT ADD “BACK HOME” TO THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRST PARAGRAPAH) and her fingertip left a satisfying imprint in the surface of the ice cream. Tentatively, she licked her finger. Looks like ice cream, tastes like ice cream; Amy was willing to give it the benefit of the doubt.

She licked her finger again. Damn(COMMA) this ice cream tasted good. She grabbed a spoon and dug out a mouthful, allowing(OMIT “ALLOWING” ADD “AND ALLOWED”) it to glide past her lips before sliding onto her tongue. Her tongue pressed against the top of her mouth, squeezing the lump of chocolate to force it onto her tastebuds. (HER FINGERS, HER LIPS, HER TONGUE, HER TONGUE, HER MOUTH, HER TASTEBUDS – IN THAT PARAGRAPH)

A dual feeling of chill and warmth flooding(FLOODED?) down her spine in quick succession and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) Amy shivered as it spread out in waves across her body. Pure calorial(CALORIC?) pleasure. The feeling dissolved all too quickly and she dug out a larger mouthful. The ice cream melted on her tongue and Amy luxuriated in the taste.

The waves of cold and hot washed over her again, but stronger this time. Amy expected it(THEM) to fade away(COMMA) like before, but(OMIT “BUT” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) instead(COMMA) it(THEY) grew stronger, waxing to encompass her whole body. It(OMIT “IT” ADD “THE FEELING”) grew as she let the ice cream slide down her throat, before centring in a pulsing warm feeling in the pit of her stomach.

Amy’s forehead furrowed as she regarded the tub. No ice cream had ever made her feel like this before. Experimentally(COMMA) she swallowed another mouthful and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) her eyes widened as another wave of sensation travelled up and down her spine. The pleasant warmth in her stomach increased and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) it felt as though heat was radiating from her skin. Amy felt her nipples throbbing as they(JAS: AMY’S THROBBING NIPPLES”) hardened against her shirt. Was she getting horny from an ice cream?

The heat travelled lower, centring in her loins and Amy moaned as she felt (OMIT “SHE FELT”) her clit start(ED) to pulse. Moaned? Amy was starting to get worried now. What was in this ice cream?

She looked down to see another heaped spoonful at her lips. Amy didn’t remember digging that spoonful out of the tub(OMIT “OF THE TUB”). Every instinct in her lusted for the soft brown ice cream and Amy felt her arm moving of its own volition, placing in(OMIT “IN” ADD “THE ICE CREAM”) onto her tongue. The ice cold was an instant shock against her tongue, providing an intense counterpoint to the warmth that was(OMIT “THAT WAS”) threatening to overwhelm her body. Amy closed her eyes, her body(OMIT “HER BODY” – USED IT IN THE LAST SENTENCE) thrilling with(OMIT “WITH” ADD “TO”) the exquisite moisture in her crotch. The pulsing of her clit was becoming harder to ignore now and(OMIT “NOW AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) Amy’s hips were rocking(OMIT “WERE ROCKING” ADD “ROCKED”) slightly, moving to the thrusts of an invisible lover.

Her hand dipped(OMIT “HER HAND DIPPED” the spoon (DIPPED) into the tub again and (OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) she opened her eyes to see it dig out another mouthful of ice cream. It looked so tempting, so overpowering. How could she resist this kind of feeling?

With an effort(COMMA) she dropped the spoon. The feelings were starting to fade and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) Amy felt a mixture of gratitude and disappointment. Tasting that ice cream had made her feel out of control, as though something was controlling her body and she had no power over what she did. (IMHO, THAT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE THE DEFINITION OF “OUT OF CONTROL”) Amy shuddered. Best thing to do was throw it all away. Still…(ELLIPSES INDICATE MISSING WORDS IN A QUOTE. MIGHT USE AN EM DASH. HOWEVER, CONSISTENCY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN GRAMMATICAL PUNCTILIO, IMHO.)

She eyed the tub, replays of the sensations she’d been feeling just a minute ago flashing(FLASHED?) through her mind. Just one more bite couldn’t hurt…(PERIOD. NOTE: WHEN AN ELLIPSIS ENDS A SENTENCE, THERE ARE THREE DOTS FOR IT AND ONE MORE FOR THE PERIOD.)

Amy grabbed the carton and ran to the kitchen, shoving it into the freezer and slamming the door before she (COULD?) changed her mind.

She slumped down in the chair again, thankful that(OMIT “THAT”) she’d not taken another bite of that awful ice cream.

***

Twenty minutes later Amy was still sitting in the chair, trying to find something to occupy her mind. The television was filled with ice-cream adverts, (BEING NEW SENTENCE) every one of her books seemed to involve the heroine eating sundaes (THE REST OF THIS SENTENCE CONFUSES ME—SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW, YOU ASK?) and comfort-eating required passing the freezer. What was wrong with her? Amy couldn’t seem to think of a single topic that didn’t involve chilled dairy products. Not even Justin was this pervasive in his invasion of her thoughts.

Amy smiled in triumph. Justin. The ultimate mind cleanser. She closed her eyes and pictured him from the annoying little quiff to the heels of his unnecessarily chunky boots. The chair creaked as she rocked further back in it(OMIT “IN IT”).

He’d been so suave and charming – always able to get his own way. Amy thought back to the many times he’d come back from work horny and had(OMIT “HAD”) talked her into putting out. A smile crept across her face as she remembered some of the times when he hadn’t even said a word to her. He would quietly shut the door behind him(OMIT “BEHIND HIM”) and creep up behind her. The first thing she would know of his presence was a strong arm wrapping around her, his hand sliding smoothly under her shirt and onto her stomach. His penis would press into her arse as his hand moved, gently caressing her skin as he whispered into her ear. His other arm would move to relieve her of her skirt, allowing it to fall in a crumpled heap in(TO) the floor as his fingertips brushed against the slick cotton of her panties.

Amy would stand there, her body frozen as his fingers grew bolder, creeping toward the waistband of her panties before sliding inside to brush against her labia. She shuddered, remembering how his fingers had(OMIT “HAD”) always known(KNEW?) just where to touch – caressing, tapping and stroking just as she needed it, as if he’d been able to(OMIT “HE’D BEEN ABLE TO” ADD “HE COULD”) read her mind. And when she was nearly crying out, he would slide himself into her.

A suffusion of pleasure flooded Amy’s mind as(OMIT “AS” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) she thought of him,(OMIT “HIM,”) his penis entering her so slowly, tantalising her with his lingering movements while his fingers played with her, driving her to distraction, while(OMIT “WHILE” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) his mouth pressed against her ear, whispering that he needed to hear her beg, she had to tell him exactly how much she needed him.(TOO LONG)

Amy whimpered, her entire body on the verge of orgasm as she thought about Justin. Without realising it, one hand had crept to her breast and was toying with it, squeezing it and rolling her palm over the silk of her blouse. The other (HAND OR BREAST? – DON’T KNOW FOR SEVERAL MORE WORDS, CONFUSING) was resting between her thighs and had started to rub herself through the crotch of her trousers.(HOW CAN A HAND REST AND RUB AT THE SAME TIME?) A strangled moan escaped from her mouth.

Suddenly she opened her eyes and noticed what she was doing. Amy leapt out of her chair with a squeal.

The sensations died away(COMMA) slowly and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) Amy felt them go with a little pang of regret. They felt good; so much better than the feelings of emptiness and loss that threatened to swamp her now. Amy looked down at her own(OMIT “OWN”) body, trying to catch her breath. Maybe a little self-pleasuring wasn’t such a bad idea(COMMA) after all. Now that she had no boyfriend, it seemed wrong to deny herself some gratification.

Amy shook her head. Where were all of these thoughts coming from? She was a good Christian girl – why was she even considering masturbation? She took a deep breath. She had self-control;(NEW SENTENCE) she could resist temptation.

Still(COMMA) the feelings burned inside her and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) she could almost feel her fingers inching towards the button of her trousers, yearning to slide them down her legs and enjoy her body. What was so bad about masturbation(COMMA) anyway?

Amy started to move, her body betraying her as she walked slowly into the kitchen and opened the freezer. A last voice of protest echoed in her mind, but it was being swamped by the possibility of tasting the ice cream again. She pulled open the freezer door, her body luxuriating in the blast of freezing air that greeted her, and grabbed the tub.

She dropped back onto the recliner with her trophy, tearing(TORE?) off the lid and digging(DUG?) out a heaped spoonful. The voice struck up again(COMMA) crying that this wasn’t right, this wasn’t nice, this was wrong, this was bad.

Amy wrapped her lips around the spoon and felt the ice cream melt against her lips, sliding into her mouth like liquid silk. Fuck(COMMA?) nice. Tonight(COMMA) she was going to be bad.

A smile spread across her face at her thoughts. She never usually (MOVE “NEVER” HERE – HOWEVER AND IMHO, THAT’S A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS. JAS: SHE ALMOST NEVER SWORE.) swore, but tonight it seemed fitting. “Fuck nice,” she said out loud. The timbre of her voice startled her. It sounded husky. It sounded sexy. The smile broadened and she licked her lips, tasting the ice cream.

The spoon was filled with ice cream again before she realised it and she sucked it (ONE “IT” TOO MANY) eagerly between her lips, desperate to feel those sensations again. A chunk of ice cream slipped from the spoon and dropped into the neck of her blouse. The sudden shock of the cold on her skin spread as the chunk slid down between her breasts and onto her stomach. Amy moaned as she felt a wave of arousal follow the ice cream’s path down her torso.

She slowly unbuttoned her blouse, one button at a time, revealing more of her body to her eyes. Amy had never looked at her body as a sexual object before, but she was suddenly very aware of just how sexy she looked. Her finger traced up from her belly and over her chest, sliding over the path of the ice cream before she brought it to her mouth, licking every last bit of chocolate from her digit.

Another wave of arousal washed over her and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) Amy knew that she(OMIT “KNEW SHE HAD”) had to escape the remainder of her clothes. Her hand moved to the white lace of her bra, (WHEN THE ICE CREAM FELL ON HER NECK, AND SHE SCOOPED IT UP WITH HER FINGER, I WONDER ABOUT A BRA. IMHO, IT NEEDS TO BE MENTIONED THEN) squeezing at her breast, cupping and then clutching. Every movement sent an electric shock through her nerves and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) Amy squeezed it again just to wallow in the rush of sensation. Fingers crept behind her and she unfastened the catch, tossing the bra away to allow her fingers easier access to her cleavage.

Cold air played across her nipples and Amy gasped as she felt her aureolae crinkle in(AT) the shock of the chill. The spoon was in her hand again and (OMIT ‘”THE SPOON WAS IN HER HAND AGAIN AND”) Amy watched as her hand moved, almost of its own volition, dragging (THE SPOON) over her breasts, leaving a trail of ice cream across her skin. The chill of the spoon(OMIT “OF THE SPOON”) caused her nipples to harden even further and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) Amy whimpered as she felt the rush of hot and cold flash down her spine, radiating out into her body. Her fingertips fumbled with the button of her trousers, desperate to get them off, to release more of her skin to the dual sensation of the icy spoon and her oh-so-warm fingers.

Now she was nearly naked, clad only in a pair of skimpy white panties. Amy paused, taking a second(OMIT COMMA AND “TAKING A SECOND”) to luxuriate in the sensation of total and utter abandon. The leather of the recliner stuck to her skin as she shifted, feeling a delicious warmth build up between her legs. This was so unlike her, this wild feeling of recklessness. Amy’s lips curved as the smile spread across her face like cream across a saucer. If only Justin could see her now. Her fingers crept along her hips, tiptoeing down her body to hook under the waistband of her panties, tugging gently at them(OMIT “AT THEM”) before sliding them down her legs.

Amy lay back in the recliner, thrilling in(TO?) the feeling of complete nudity. She’d never been naked anywhere outside of her bathroom and bedroom before. She stretched, flexing like a cat(COMMA) as she enjoyed the feeling of leather against her bare skin.

Her hand reached for the spoon again, scooping more ice cream.(THAT’S ONE DAMN BIG TUB OF ICE CREAM) Amy watched, allowing her body to move by its instincts, as she moved the spoon between her legs. The cold of the metal shocked her and she ran the back of it over her inner thighs, teasing herself by moving so close, but never quite touching her pussy.

The sensations flooded her body and (OMIT THE OPENING. IMHO, IT AND THE SECOND PART SAY VIRTUALLY THE SAME THING) Amy closed her eyes as the feelings swamped over her. Her pussy felt like it was throbbing, pulsing with desire. She needed to touch herself.

Suddenly (TO QUOTE AUTHOR ELMORE LEONARD’S SIXTH RULE OF FICTION WRITING: 6. Never use the words ''suddenly'' or ''all hell broke loose.'') she felt the ice cream touching her pussy and she(OMIT “SHE”) yelped as the sudden cold metamorphosed into a deep heat building up inside of(OMIT “OF”) her. Sparks crackled and Amy moved her free hand to run up and down her pussy lips.(CONFUSING) Her fingers felt so hot compared to the ice cream and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) she stifled another yelp as her arousal grew again, welling up inside her like water pressing against a dam. It receded slightly onto(ONLY) to return greater than before, every wave pounding at her self-control as the dual sensations of hot and cold consumed her mind. Her back arched at every touch, her body screaming, begging for release.

The sensations built up inside her again, but instead of receding(COMMA) they continued to grow, overwhelming her. Amy moaned, a long drawn out expression of pleasure(COMMA) as her(THE) orgasm overwhelmed her, (NEW SENTENCE) wave after wave of pleasure crashing(ED) over her consciousness as(AND?) she collapsed into ecstasy.

***

Amy stood by the phone, her chest still heaving as she tried to catch her breath. Her naked body glistened in the light, (NEW SENTENCE) a mixture of sweat and ice cream coating(ED) her skin. She hadn’t bothered to dress and probably wouldn’t for the rest of the evening.

“Justin? It’s Amy. Remember how you said to call you if I wanted to talk? Well(COMMA) I think we should talk(COMMA) now. Come round my place. I’ve got something to show you.”