Grassroots Disc Rumple 10-31-04 SDC queue

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Fiel a Verdad
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Dec 20, 2001
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Rumple's Story, about 4200 words.

Note 1. 11-01-04 11 am EST.

The version below within this posting, is pasted from rtf file. I think there still may be a few problems, with 'translation' of odd characters.

NOTE 2. 11-02-04 9:40 am : IF there's a problem, consult the plaintext version Rumple has furnished me, posted just after the rtf version, i.e., second, in this posting.

A GREAT ROMANCE
{.rtf}

by Rumple Foreskin

Amy Collins sat alone and miserable on the bank of the Mississippi River. A giant oil tanker heading upstream went unnoticed. She was too busy trying not to cry.

The tall, beautiful redhead felt angry and weepy, and incredibly stupid for not knowing why. Leaning back against a big, driftwood log, she closed her eyes and tried to come up with an answer.

What has gotten into you, girl? One minute you're feeling great, joking with the other guests—though why anyone, even hippies, would want an outdoor wedding in August is still beyond me. Then all of a sudden, it's like someone turned on all the bad vibes in the world.

Mark Morgan, her oldest friend, was lugging wedding stuff back to the cars parked on the other side of the levee. She was waiting for Libby and Bob. They slipped off during the riverside ceremony and were still in hiding.

"Bullshit not thy own self," she said, quoting one of Mark's favorite sayings. The thing was, she had a hunch there was more to her bad mood than just that shit-eating grin on Ginger's face when the Chief Boo-Hoo of the Neo-Anthro Church said she and Howard were husband and wife.

The real downer was this spot. It was somewhere around here Mark that kissed her—okay, make that she kissed him. But he returned the kiss, thank God. Amy wasn't sure her battered ego could have taken another rejection.

It happened three months ago, May 11, 1968, a Saturday evening. Not that the date was important—it just kind of stuck in her mind. She felt so crappy that week. When the guy you've dated for over a year, who you're pinned to, who's such a non-demanding gentleman and lover, when he dumps you for another guy, it's way more than depressing.
"Face it Amy old girl," she muttered, "for someone who's supposed to be so damn good looking, you've got a lousy record with guys." The brainy track star back in high school, the LSU quarterback her freshman year, followed by the South American diplomat's son, and now the future architect. They were all fascinating, even exotic. With each one she thought it was real love. Maybe it had been.

She'd spent hours on the phone talking Mark's ear off about her latest romantic disaster. He said something about a levee party, but she wasn't paying attention. A few days later, three girl friends invaded her room. Saying she'd been in bed all day, which was true, they forced her to get up and come with them.

LSU students are always ready to party. It seemed like everyone she knew was there. At first she tried to be a good sport and get into the spirit. But the laughter and good times just annoyed her. A few beers, some cheap wine, even a little weed, did nothing but make her feel more miserable than ever. Rather than be a wet blanket, she grabbed a beer and wandered away.

As the light from the bonfire dimmed, she found a small, driftwood sanctuary near the riverbank. That's where Mark found her a few minutes later, sitting behind a big log, trying not to cry.

He sat down beside her without saying a word. There was a light, cool breeze coming off the river. When she shivered, he put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. That did it. She let out a sob that was a mixture of despair and release, laid her head on his chest, and cried until she ran out of tears.

When her breath began to even out, she noticed the front of his old dress shirt was soaked. Fascinated, she gently ran a fingertip across the damp cloth. He'd come to be with her, to comfort her, and in return she'd drenched his shirt with tears and probably covered it with mascara.

She lifted her head and looked up at him. Even in the dim moonlight, she could make out his familiar, comforting smile and immediately felt better.

He'd always been there, close and caring, whenever she needed a friend, needed a shoulder to cry on, just like tonight. Because, because he loves me, not the homecoming queen or fraternity sweetheart or any of that crap, just me. A new emotion swept over her, a sensation that had nothing to do with friendship. She no longer just needed Mark—she wanted him.

She slipped both hands behind his neck, pulled his face to hers, and began kissing her best friend.

Later, much later, their lips parted and they looked at one another. There was an uncertain, questioning expression on Mark's face. Amy found herself praying he wouldn't be sensible or cautious or, even worse, make a joke. Damn it, Mark, just kiss me. Please. Then he leaned forward and began kissing his best friend.

At some point, it occurred to her that Mark was a very good kisser. She felt a strange sense of pride that her best friend was so gifted.

The next time their lips separated, Mark started to say something. It was going to be about how they should stop, she was sure of that, and sure he was right. They'd have to do that, soon, but not now, not just yet. Before he could say anything, she snuggled closer and pulled him back onto her waiting mouth.

The kisses became more intense and the touches more intimate. She felt Mark's hand slip beneath her sweatshirt and shivered with pleasure when it made contact with bare skin. The smooth, sensuous pressure seemed to ease the anguish in her body. His fingers took possession of her breast. The feeling was incredible, and she heard herself moan while arching her back to meet his touch.

She felt loved and wanted and safe. This was Mark who cared for her, who was always there when she needed him, who she could count on to do what was best. In the back of her mind, she began to wonder if that would include their making love.

Releasing her throbbing nipple, he slid his fingers down her torso until they reached her jeans. When he started fumbling with the zipper, she was certain he'd decided they would make love. She felt it begin to yield. But then he stopped.

Their tongues continued to dance from mouth to mouth, but Mark's fingers remained motionless. She felt his body sag and then his hand moving up from her waist. He paused to let his fingertips caress first one breast, then the other. It was a gentle, searching motion, as if trying to memorize their texture, shape, and warmth. After a last, soft, parting touch, he slid his hand around to the small of her back.

With an unsettling mixture of relief and regret, she understood he'd decided their making love wasn't what was best. The kissing continued, but now it was with increasing affection and decreasing passion. He was, she realized, letting them both gradually come down from their physical and emotional high. This wasn't rejection, it was--.

#

Who was shaking her shoulder? Confused, she opened her eyes and looked around. Instead of moonlight, the afternoon sun was shining off the river. And instead of Mark caressing her body, he was kneeling beside her, grinning. "You've got to tell me what you were dreaming about, lady."

"None of your business, mister," she said, yawning and stretching. To give her mind more time to reenter the here-and-now, she located her purse, pulled out a compact, and pretended to study her face in the small mirror. "Why do you think I was dreaming anyway? Maybe I was just deep in thought."

"I doubt it. The thing is, before I started my beast of burden number, you were awake and looked like you did back when we were kids and old Jeff, your natural born tomcat, went one-on-one with that log truck and lost. When I came dragging my weary bones back, your mouth was wide open. That's always a sure sign you've nodded off, and you had this dumb, happy look on your face. So what were you dreaming about?"

Amy looked at her best friend and gave him a big, I-know-a-secret-and-you-don't, smile. "You're right, I really was feeling rotten. But I had this dream that was all romantic and mushy with lots of steamy stuff, and now I feel a lot better."

As Mark begged for details, she reached for his hand and let him help her up. Once on her feet, she mussed his dark, wavy hair. What she hadn't mentioned was the dream doing a lot more than just getting her out of a bad mood. It had reminded her how that night forever changed the way she felt about him. All summer she'd tried to convince herself she hadn't fallen in love with her life-long best friend. But that dream made it clear she'd failed.

Sure they hadn't so much as held hands since that night, and now he was dating that slut, Bebe Boudreaux. Amy had tried to break them up all summer, but that was because she despised Bebe and knew the little tramp would be so bad for Mark. This was different. Now she wanted Mark for herself.

But getting him wasn't going to be easy. Amy knew Mark so well, she could practically name the day Bebe first let him "seduce" her. And since she was the type who'd put out like a soft drink machine if it was in her interest, and since she was very interested in latching onto Mark, he was probably getting all the action he could handle. If Bebe hadn't been out of town this weekend, he might not have even come to the wedding.

Amy had never been impressed with her own looks. She thought of herself as gangly with, at best, small town good looks. No one else shared that opinion. The irony was, whatever good looks she might have, they weren't going to help her win Mark. Tall, skinny redheads weren't his type. He went for sexy little brunettes, like Bebe.

Besides, Mark still seemed to think of her as the scrawny kid he walked with to junior high. Even going skinny-dipping with him earlier this summer hadn't changed things.

So if she wanted him, and she did, the next time they kissed there'd be no stopping—she'd make sure of that. The problem was getting things started.

Amy looked up and down the shoreline. "Where do you think Libby and Bob are?"

"Out of sight."

"Thanks for the help, Joe Friday," she said, as they walked over and sat on the sun bleached driftwood log where he'd left their stuff.

Mark grinned, "I think of myself more as the suave, sophisticated private eye type."

"Well, I think of yourself as nuts. And before you say it, I know, birds of a feather flock together."

"Takes one to know one, I've always heard. Of course, I've also heard that opposites attract. So you pays your money, you take your pick."
"Seriously, do you think they're all right?"

Mark nodded, lit a cigarette, and handed it over. "They're in love, remember? If one of 'em had fallen in, the other would be raising all kinds of hell."

"Oh, that's a real comfort."

After taking a puff, she studied the cigarette. "Weren't we going to quit these things?"

"We did," he replied, placing the pack back in his shirt pocket. "It was our end-of-semester resolution, but it only applies when we're back home."

Mark finished lighting his own cigarette and then pointed to a spot a couple hundred yards away near the river. "Now, as for our non-smoking lovebirds, odds are they're hiding in that little thicket and doing God knows what sort of disgusting things. You wanna sneak up and take a peek?"

Amy shook her head and laughed, "Of course not." Gesturing toward the same clump of trees, she asked, "Is that the place, you know, where we…. I mean, is that the place?"

When Mark glanced at her, Amy felt herself blushing. After what seemed like an eternity, he grinned and gestured toward the spot. "You're asking if that's the place where we made out like a couple of wild weasels?"

"Well, yes."

"Well, no. That happened back in the spring. The water was a lot higher back then. We would've needed scuba gear to do anything over where those two are no doubt carrying on.

"The hallowed ground in question, a sacred place forever etched in my memory, is upstream from here," he said, twisting around and pointing north. "You've gotta look back from where dat 'Old Man River' is rolling along now. See that big pile of brush and logs at the foot of those two skinny willows? It was just above the shore back then and made a perfect hideout."

Amy swiveled around on the log and studied the spot. When she spoke, it was in a low, hesitant voice. "Mark, this is a little embarrassing, but why didn't you, well, why did you stop?"

After glancing at Amy, Mark swung around and gazed at the otherwise nondescript pile of driftwood. "Something just told me it wasn't the right time, or place, or thing to do. God knows I didn't want to stop. I mean, it damn near gave me the bends." He gave her a rueful grin.

"But you mean a lot to me, lady, a whole lot, and I didn't want to risk losing my best friend. It would be different if we were in love, you know, romantically. But we're not. I was afraid we wouldn't be able to keep on being friends, like we've always been, if we, well, made love."

"I knew that was what you'd say. And you're right, I suppose. But I still feel guilty. After all, I'm the one who started it, so it's kind of my fault you got the bends."

"No complaints. You were ripped, bummed out, and very vulnerable. And don't forget, the party was my dumb idea. I'm just glad I happened to notice you wandering away. Besides, if it hadn't happened, I might never have known my best friend's such a great kisser."

"Your saying that is so far out because, while we were kissing, I was thinking the same thing about you."

Before he could say anything, Amy continued, "Damn, but life would be so much simpler if we weren't such good friends. I mean, the thing is, our being good friends has gotten us so screwed up we can't…. Well, we can't even screw—and it seems like everybody's doing that nowadays."

Mark nodded and flipped away his cigarette. "Right as usual, superstar Amy. Not that a guy like me would ever have a chance with a drop-dead gorgeous female like you."

He waved off her protests and continued, "The way I figure it, our problem is we're the last of the unrepentant, unreconstructed, hopeless southern romantics. We belong in 1868, not 1968. Someone should have kept us from reading, "Ivanhoe," when we were kids and I know we've read, and seen, "Gone With the Wind," way too many times.

"Instead of the great romance we both think we want, we got two old friends so smashed they started making out. And while it was a helluva lot of fun, at least for me, that probably doesn't qualify as a great romance."

"So what do we have?"

"We like each other. That's what we have. At least, it's what I have. Because, in my own weird way, I do love you, Amanda Nicole Collins. You're very special to me, maybe even more now that we've kissed. And that feeling, that, whatever, it's something I don't ever want to lose."

They gazed at one another until Amy noticed he was biting his lower lip. Surprised, she looked out at the river and tried to think. Mark only did that when he was nervous and unsure what to do or say. Then it hit her. Mark loves me, like a man loves a woman, like I love him. It's twenty years of friendship, not Bebe, that's the real problem. So if I want him, and I do, I'll have to make the first move and pray it works.

Taking a deep breath, she got up and moved in between Mark's outstretched legs. Wrapping her fingers around the back of his neck, she leaned her face close to his and whispered, "You're right, Mark Henry Morgan, we do like each other, a whole lot, and it does feel very, very good. But the truth is, since that night we kissed, I haven't been able to think of you as just a friend. You mean a lot more to me now—a whole lot more. So what I want to know, what I need you to tell me, is whether I've become more to you than just a friend."

A startled look flashed across Mark's features. Then he slid his arms around her slender waist and pulled her close. "You always did have more guts than me. I've fought falling in love with you all summer. And believe me, the night we went skinny-dipping, I damn near lost. But now I surrender, unconditionally. Amy, I love you so much it hurts every time I think of you or even hear your name."

"Oh Mark, I love you, too," said Amy, as she wrapped her arms around him.

Their lips met in a long kiss that marked the change in the nature of their love. When it ended, Amy stared in Mark's eyes while she unbuttoned her blouse. Taking his hands in hers, she pressed them against her breasts. "You know me, I never do anything half-way. So if you want me, I'm yours, now and forever. But I'm greedy, Mark. I want all of you, all the time, for all time."

Mark nodded. The deal had been struck. He was hers, she was his, and Bebe was history. Nodding toward the spot where they first kissed, she said, "Let's go over there and pick-up where we left off. Only this time, if you really love me, if you want me, don't you dare stop."

A smile spread across his face. "Best idea I've heard in this lifetime." His fingers gently rolled her hard nipples and for a moment Amy forgot how to breathe. Mark's voice seemed to come from a fog. "Just one thing. I do want you, now and forever. Maybe I always have. So before you come to your senses, will you marry me?"

"Oh, my God, yes!" she cried, throwing herself back into his arms. They hugged until she leaned back and laughed. "Where'd that stupid preacher, the Boo-Hoo, where'd he go?"

"We don't need him or anyone else. In every way that counts, we're already married. Now please hush so I can kiss my bride." Cradling her head in his hands, he sealed their union with a long, gentle kiss. When their lips parted, he looked at her and smiled. "Now let's go find that spot."
--

They walked over arm-in-arm and then, by unspoken agreement, took turns undressing each other. Neither wanted anything between them for what both sensed was their destiny, and knew was their desire. Behind the pile of driftwood, Mark spread their clothes on the smooth, sandy soil, creating a makeshift pallet.

When he turned to face her, Amy stepped forward and pressed her nude body against his. The feel of his flesh against hers, knowing they were about to make love, that this man loved her and that she'd be in his arms for the rest of her life—it was all so overwhelming. Amy began to cry. Why hadn't she realized how much she loved Mark? And how close had she come to losing him?

To Mark's credit, he didn't make a joke. Instead, he held her close and softly stroked her long, red hair until the emotional storm began to pass. Before she could say something about feeling dumb for crying, he placed a fingertip on her lips and gently eased her down.

Mark had her heart. Now he began to touch, to kiss, to take possession of her body. When his lips encircled a nipple and he began to suck, she felt her body rising to meet his mouth. Her legs opened to him the moment his fingers brushed
A finger slipped inside her body and Amy gasped with pleasure. She felt his lips leave her breast and trace a path down her torso. When Mark's tongue replaced his finger, a jolt of passion raced through her body. His tongue was soon doing fantastic things. She trembled and heard herself moaning his name. Moments later her hips jerked upward as a powerful orgasm exploded from deep inside her writhing figure.

It was incredible—like nothing she'd ever experienced. But it wasn't enough. She wanted Mark inside her. And she wanted him there, now.

"Please, Mark," was all she could say while reaching for him. He nodded and let her guide him into position between her long, outstretched legs.

"Lady, I do love the way you lend a helping hand. But you know, if we practice a whole lot, maybe someday I'll be able to get there all by myself."

Amy laughed, "You idiot. Damn, but I love you so much. Now please, let's start practicing."

For just a moment, they looked into each other's eyes, sharing the moment, knowing the significance of what they were about to do. Then their hips moved toward one another and the bodies of the two old friends fused into one new being.

They worked together in a harmony of love and passion. Amy's joy felt overwhelming. Her body thrilled to the feel of Mark's hardness. For her, there was no time other than this moment, no man other than this one, the man she'd known all her life, the man she loved so much, the man who was now taking her towards the brink of total ecstasy.

Desire, need, lust, longing, plus unrestrained total love pounded through every fiber of her being. The sound of Mark's breathing, the smell of his after-shave, the way his hair was mussed, it all seemed so familiar. And yet, everything was different.

The body she'd known all her life, had wrestled with as a kid, had danced with in high school, was now naked and entwined with hers. But the real difference was Mark being inside her; uniting their bodies in a way she never imagined before that night they first kissed. She wanted nothing more than to keep making love with Mark Morgan for the rest of the day, and then for the rest of her life.

Another surge of passion began building within her, taking control of her body and mind until it broke in a long, exquisite orgasm that left her tingling and breathless. Although stunned by the erotic explosion, her mind and body were still in synch with the rhythm of Mark's movements.

As she reeled from the force of her own climax, Mark began slamming into her with strong, possessive thrusts until, with a moan of, "Oh, Amy," he buried himself deep inside her trembling body.

She luxuriated in the feel of his shaft throbbing in time with her own excited pulse. There had been other men, but this was different. This was her man. This was forever. When Mark's body relaxed, Amy pulled him close and wrapped him in her arms.

They lay together, spent and happy, their moist bodies tangled in a lover's knot, savoring their first moment of shared, post-coital bliss. Amy would have been willing to lie there all day, just looking up into the clear, late afternoon sky while holding Mark in her arms. But the moment ended when someone yelled for them.

"Hey, where'd y'all go?"

The driftwood that protected their hiding place from prying eyes also blocked their view. However, Amy recognized the voice of her cousin Libby. Apparently, she and Bob had finished their own lovemaking.

"We're over here," shouted Amy.

"Where's over here and just what are you two doing there?" Libby's voice held a note of uncertainty.

Mark turned his head and yelled, "Tell us what y'all were doing, first."

Amy could almost see Bob grinning as he said, "Oh, you know, this and that."

"Well, this and that is what we've been doing," said Mark.

"Are you serious?" The tone of Libby's voice was a mixture of excitement and incredulity. She'd spent the summer trying to talk Amy into making a move on Mark. "I mean, the two of you, have you really been doing it?"

"We're getting married." Amy's announcement brought a squeal of pleasure from Libby.

"She's wrong," said Mark. He turned and looked down at Amy, who grinned back. She knew exactly what he was about to say. "We're already married. Husband and wife, it's even been consummated, the whole nine yards. We just haven't gotten around to a wedding ceremony."

"That's us," said Amy. "We've gone from being old friends to being an old married couple." She wrapped her arms around Mark's neck and tried to pull his head down to hers.

Before she could get his mouth within reach, Mark said, "Hey Bob, you engaged young people make yourselves comfortable. Looks like us old married folks have some more consummating to take care of."

===
===




Rumple's plaintext version

A GREAT ROMANCE

by Rumple Foreskin


Amy Collins sat alone and miserable on the bank of the Mississippi River. A giant oil tanker heading upstream went unnoticed. She was too busy trying not to cry.

The tall, beautiful redhead felt angry and weepy, and incredibly stupid for not knowing why. Leaning back against a big, driftwood log, she closed her eyes and tried to come up with an answer.

What has gotten into you, girl? One minute you're feeling great, joking with the other guests-though why anyone, even hippies, would want an outdoor wedding in August is still beyond me. Then all of a sudden, it's like someone turned on all the bad vibes in the world.

Mark Morgan, her oldest friend, was lugging wedding stuff back to the cars parked on the other side of the levee. She was waiting for Libby and Bob. They slipped off during the riverside ceremony and were still in hiding.

"Bullshit not thy own self," she said, quoting one of Mark's favorite sayings. The thing was, she had a hunch there was more to her bad mood than just that shit-eating grin on Ginger's face when the Chief Boo-Hoo of the Neo-Anthro Church said she and Howard were husband and wife.

The real downer was this spot. It was somewhere around here Mark that kissed her--okay, make that she kissed him. But he returned the kiss, thank God. Amy wasn't sure her battered ego could have taken another rejection.

It happened three months ago, May 11, 1968, a Saturday evening. Not that the date was important--it just kind of stuck in her mind. She felt so crappy that week. When the guy you've dated for over a year, who you're pinned to, who's such a non-demanding gentleman and lover, when he dumps you for another guy, it's way more than depressing.

"Face it, Amy old girl," she muttered, "for someone who's supposed to be so damn good looking, you've got a lousy record with guys." The brainy track star back in high school, the LSU quarterback her freshman year, followed by the South American diplomat's son, and now the future architect. They were all fascinating, even exotic. With each one she thought it was real love. Maybe it had been.

She'd spent hours on the phone talking Mark's ear off about her latest romantic disaster. He said something about a levee party, but she wasn't paying attention. A few days later, three girl friends invaded her room. Saying she'd been in bed all day, which was true, they forced her to get up and come with them.

LSU students are always ready to party. It seemed like everyone she knew was there. At first she tried to be a good sport and get into the spirit. But the laughter and good times just annoyed her. A few beers, some cheap wine, even a little weed, did nothing but make her feel more miserable than ever. Rather than be a wet blanket, she grabbed a beer and wandered away.

As the light from the bonfire dimmed, she found a small, driftwood sanctuary near the riverbank. That's where Mark found her a few minutes later, sitting behind a big log, trying not to cry.

He sat down beside her without saying a word. There was a light, cool breeze coming off the river. When she shivered, he put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. That did it. She let out a sob that was a mixture of despair and release, laid her head on his chest, and cried until she ran out of tears.

When her breath began to even out, she noticed the front of his old dress shirt was soaked. Fascinated, she gently ran a fingertip across the damp cloth. He'd come to be with her, to comfort her, and in return she'd drenched his shirt with tears and probably covered it with mascara.

She lifted her head and looked up at him. Even in the dim moonlight, she could make out his familiar, comforting smile and immediately felt better.

He'd always been there, close and caring, whenever she needed a friend, needed a shoulder to cry on, just like tonight. Because, because he loves me, not the homecoming queen or fraternity sweetheart or any of that crap, just me. A new emotion swept over her, a sensation that had nothing to do with friendship. She no longer just needed Mark--she wanted him.

She slipped both hands behind his neck, pulled his face to hers, and began kissing her best friend.

Later, much later, their lips parted and they looked at one another. There was an uncertain, questioning expression on Mark's face. Amy found herself praying he wouldn't be sensible or cautious or, even worse, make a joke. Damn it, Mark, just kiss me. Please. Then he leaned forward and began kissing his best friend.

At some point, it occurred to her that Mark was a very good kisser. She felt a strange sense of pride that her best friend was so gifted.

The next time their lips separated, Mark started to say something. It was going to be about how they should stop, she was sure of that, and sure he was right. They'd have to do that, soon, but not now, not just yet. Before he could say anything, she snuggled closer and pulled him back onto her waiting mouth.

The kisses became more intense and the touches more intimate. She felt Mark's hand slip beneath her sweatshirt and shivered with pleasure when it made contact with bare skin. The smooth, sensuous pressure seemed to ease the anguish in her body. His fingers took possession of her breast. The feeling was incredible, and she heard herself moan while arching her back to meet his touch.

She felt loved and wanted and safe. This was Mark who cared for her, who was always there when she needed him, who she could count on to do what was best. In the back of her mind, she began to wonder if that would include their making love.

Releasing her throbbing nipple, he slid his fingers down her torso until they reached her jeans. When he started fumbling with the zipper, she was certain he'd decided they would make love. She felt it begin to yield. But then he stopped.

Their tongues continued to dance from mouth to mouth, but Mark's fingers remained motionless. She felt his body sag and then his hand moving up from her waist. He paused to let his fingertips caress first one breast, then the other. It was a gentle, searching motion, as if trying to memorize their texture, shape, and warmth. After a last, soft, parting touch, he slid his hand around to the small of her back.

With an unsettling mixture of relief and regret, she understood he'd decided their making love wasn't what was best. The kissing continued, but now it was with increasing affection and decreasing passion. He was, she realized, letting them both gradually come down from their physical and emotional high. This wasn't rejection, it was--.

#

Who was shaking her shoulder? Confused, she opened her eyes and looked around. Instead of moonlight, the afternoon sun was shining off the river. And instead of Mark caressing her body, he was kneeling beside her, grinning. "You've got to tell me what you were dreaming about, lady."

"None of your business, mister," she said, yawning and stretching. To give her mind more time to reenter the here-and-now, she located her purse, pulled out a compact, and pretended to study her face in the small mirror. "Why do you think I was dreaming anyway? Maybe I was just deep in thought."

"I doubt it. The thing is, before I started my beast of burden number, you were awake and looked like you did back when we were kids and old Jeff, your natural born tomcat, went one-on-one with that log truck and lost. When I came dragging my weary bones back, your mouth was wide open. That's always a sure sign you've nodded off, and you had this dumb, happy look on your face. So what were you dreaming about?"

Amy looked at her best friend and gave him a big, I-know-a-secret-and-you-don't, smile. "You're right, I really was feeling rotten. But I had this dream that was all romantic and mushy with lots of steamy stuff, and now I feel a lot better."

As Mark begged for details, she reached for his hand and let him help her up. Once on her feet, she mussed his dark, wavy hair. What she hadn't mentioned was the dream doing a lot more than just getting her out of a bad mood. It had reminded her how that night forever changed the way she felt about him. All summer she'd tried to convince herself she hadn't fallen in love with her life-long best friend. But that dream made it clear she'd failed.

Sure they hadn't so much as held hands since that night, and now he was dating that slut, Bebe Boudreaux. Amy had tried to break them up all summer, but that was because she despised Bebe and knew the little tramp would be so bad for Mark. This was different. Now she wanted Mark for herself.

But getting him wasn't going to be easy. Amy knew Mark so well, she could practically name the day Bebe first let him "seduce" her. And since she was the type who'd put out like a soft drink machine if it was in her interest, and since she was very interested in latching onto Mark, he was probably getting all the action he could handle. If Bebe hadn't been out of town this weekend, he might not have even come to the wedding.

Amy had never been impressed with her own looks. She thought of herself as gangly with, at best, small town good looks. No one else shared that opinion. The irony was, whatever good looks she might have, they weren't going to help her win Mark. Tall, skinny redheads weren't his type. He went for sexy little brunettes, like Bebe.

Besides, Mark still seemed to think of her as the scrawny kid he walked with to junior high. Even going skinny-dipping with him earlier this summer hadn't changed things.

So if she wanted him, and she did, the next time they kissed there'd be no stopping--she'd make sure of that. The problem was getting things started.

Amy looked up and down the shoreline. "Where do you think Libby and Bob are?"

"Out of sight."

"Thanks for the help, Joe Friday," she said, as they walked over and sat on the sun-bleached driftwood log where he'd left their stuff.

Mark grinned, "I think of myself more as the suave, sophisticated private-eye type."

"Well, I think of yourself as nuts. And before you say it, I know, birds of a feather flock together."

"Takes one to know one, I've always heard. Of course, I've also heard that opposites attract. So you pays your money, you take your pick."

"Seriously, do you think they're all right?"

Mark nodded, lit a cigarette, and handed it over. "They're in love, remember? If one of 'em had fallen in, the other would be raising all kinds of hell."

"Oh, that's a real comfort."

After taking a puff, she studied the cigarette. "Weren't we going to quit these things?"

"We did," he replied, placing the pack back in his shirt pocket. "It was our end-of-semester resolution, but it only applies when we're back home."

Mark finished lighting his own cigarette and then pointed to a spot a couple hundred yards away near the river. "Now, as for our non-smoking lovebirds, odds are they're hiding in that little thicket and doing God knows what sort of disgusting things. You wanna sneak up and take a peek?"

Amy shook her head and laughed, "Of course not." Gesturing toward the same clump of trees, she asked, "Is that the place, you know, where we.... I mean, is that the place?"

When Mark glanced at her, Amy felt herself blushing. After what seemed like an eternity, he grinned and gestured toward the spot. "You're asking if that's the place where we made out like a couple of wild weasels?"

"Well, yes."

"Well, no. That happened back in the spring. The water was a lot higher back then. We would've needed scuba gear to do anything over where those two are no doubt carrying on.

"The hallowed ground in question, a sacred place forever etched in my memory, is upstream from here," he said, twisting around and pointing north. "You've gotta look back from where dat 'Old Man River' is rolling along now. See that big pile of brush and logs at the foot of those two skinny willows? It was just above the shore back then and made a perfect hideout."

Amy swiveled around on the log and studied the spot. When she spoke, it was in a low, hesitant voice. "Mark, this is a little embarrassing, but why didn't you, well, why did you stop?"

After glancing at Amy, Mark swung around and gazed at the otherwise nondescript pile of driftwood. "Something just told me it wasn't the right time, or place, or thing to do. God knows I didn't want to stop. I mean, it damn near gave me the bends." He gave her a rueful grin.

"But you mean a lot to me, lady, a whole lot, and I didn't want to risk losing my best friend. It would be different if we were in love, you know, romantically. But we're not. I was afraid we wouldn't be able to keep on being friends, like we've always been, if we, well, made love."

"I knew that was what you'd say. And you're right, I suppose. But I still feel guilty. After all, I'm the one who started it, so it's kind of my fault you got the bends."

"No complaints. You were ripped, bummed out, and very vulnerable. And don't forget, the party was my dumb idea. I'm just glad I happened to notice you wandering away. Besides, if it hadn't happened, I might never have known my best friend's such a great kisser."

"Your saying that is so far out because, while we were kissing, I was thinking the same thing about you."

Before he could say anything, Amy continued, "Damn, but life would be so much simpler if we weren't such good friends. I mean, the thing is, our being good friends has gotten us so screwed up we can't.... Well, we can't even screw--and it seems like everybody's doing that nowadays."

Mark nodded and flipped away his cigarette. "Right as usual, superstar Amy. Not that a guy like me would ever have a chance with a drop-dead gorgeous female like you."

He waved off her protests and continued, "The way I figure it, our problem is we're the last of the unrepentant, unreconstructed, hopeless southern romantics. We belong in 1868, not 1968. Someone should have kept us from reading, "Ivanhoe," when we were kids and I know we've read, and seen, "Gone With the Wind," way too many times.

"Instead of the great romance we both think we want, we got two old friends so smashed they started making out. And while it was a helluva lot of fun, at least for me, that probably doesn't qualify as a great romance."

"So what do we have?"

"We like each other. That's what we have. At least, it's what I have. Because, in my own weird way, I do love you, Amanda Nicole Collins. You're very special to me, maybe even more now that we've kissed. And that feeling, that, whatever, it's something I don't ever want to lose."

They gazed at one another until Amy noticed he was biting his lower lip. Surprised, she looked out at the river and tried to think. Mark only did that when he was nervous and unsure what to do or say. Then it hit her. Mark loves me, like a man loves a woman, like I love him. It's twenty years of friendship, not Bebe, that's the real problem. So if I want him, and I do, I'll have to make the first move and pray it works.

Taking a deep breath, she got up and moved in between Mark's outstretched legs. Wrapping her fingers around the back of his neck, she leaned her face close to his and whispered, "You're right, Mark Henry Morgan, we do like each other, a whole lot, and it does feel very, very good. But the truth is, since that night we kissed, I haven't been able to think of you as just a friend. You mean a lot more to me now--a whole lot more. So what I want to know, what I need you to tell me, is whether I've become more to you than just a friend."

A startled look flashed across Mark's features. Then he slid his arms around her slender waist and pulled her close. "You always did have more guts than me. I've fought falling in love with you all summer. And believe me, the night we went skinny-dipping, I damn near lost. But now I surrender, unconditionally. Amy, I love you so much it hurts every time I think of you or even hear your name."

"Oh Mark, I love you, too," said Amy, as she wrapped her arms around him.

Their lips met in a long kiss that marked the change in the nature of their love. When it ended, Amy stared in Mark's eyes while she unbuttoned her blouse. Taking his hands in hers, she pressed them against her breasts. "You know me, I never do anything half-way. So if you want me, I'm yours, now and forever. But I'm greedy, Mark. I want all of you, all the time, for all time."

Mark nodded. The deal had been struck. He was hers, she was his, and Bebe was history. Nodding toward the spot where they first kissed, she said, "Let's go over there and pick-up where we left off. Only this time, if you really love me, if you want me, don't you dare stop."

A smile spread across his face. "Best idea I've heard in this lifetime." His fingers gently rolled her hard nipples and for a moment Amy forgot how to breathe. Mark's voice seemed to come from a fog. "Just one thing. I do want you, now and forever. Maybe I always have. So before you come to your senses, will you marry me?"

"Oh, my God, yes!" she cried, throwing herself back into his arms. They hugged until she leaned back and laughed. "Where'd that stupid preacher, the Boo-Hoo, where'd he go?"

"We don't need him or anyone else. In every way that counts, we're already married. Now please hush so I can kiss my bride." Cradling her head in his hands, he sealed their union with a long, gentle kiss. When their lips parted, he looked at her and smiled. "Now let's go find that spot."

They walked over arm-in-arm and then, by unspoken agreement, took turns undressing each other. Neither wanted anything between them for what both sensed was their destiny, and knew was their desire. Behind the pile of driftwood, Mark spread their clothes on the smooth, sandy soil, creating a makeshift pallet.

When he turned to face her, Amy stepped forward and pressed her nude body against his. The feel of his flesh against hers, knowing they were about to make love, that this man loved her and that she'd be in his arms for the rest of her life-it was all so overwhelming. Amy began to cry. Why hadn't she realized how much she loved Mark? And how close had she come to losing him?

To Mark's credit, he didn't make a joke. Instead, he held her close and softly stroked her long, red hair until the emotional storm began to pass. Before she could say something about feeling dumb for crying, he placed a fingertip on her lips and gently eased her down.

Mark had her heart. Now he began to touch, to kiss, to take possession of her body. When his lips encircled a nipple and he began to suck, she felt her body rising to meet his mouth. Her legs opened to him the moment his fingers brushed over her silken pubic hairs.

A finger slipped inside her body and Amy gasped with pleasure. She felt his lips leave her breast and trace a path down her torso. When Mark's tongue replaced his finger, a jolt of passion raced through her body. His tongue was soon doing fantastic things. She trembled and heard herself moaning his name. Moments later her hips jerked upward as a powerful orgasm exploded from deep inside her writhing figure.

It was incredible-like nothing she'd ever experienced. But it wasn't enough. She wanted Mark inside her. And she wanted him there, now.

"Please, Mark," was all she could say while reaching for him. He nodded and let her guide him into position between her long, outstretched legs.

"Lady, I do love the way you lend a helping hand. But you know, if we practice a whole lot, maybe someday I'll be able to get there all by myself."

Amy laughed, "You idiot. Damn, but I love you so much. Now please, let's start practicing."

For just a moment, they looked into each other's eyes, sharing the moment, knowing the significance of what they were about to do. Then their hips moved toward one another and the bodies of the two old friends fused into one new being.

They worked together in a harmony of love and passion. Amy's joy felt overwhelming. Her body thrilled to the feel of Mark's hardness. For her, there was no time other than this moment, no man other than this one, the man she'd known all her life, the man she loved so much, the man who was now taking her towards the brink of total ecstasy.

Desire, need, lust, longing, plus unrestrained total love pounded through every fiber of her being. The sound of Mark's breathing, the smell of his after-shave, the way his hair was mussed, it all seemed so familiar. And yet, everything was different.

The body she'd known all her life, had wrestled with as a kid, had danced with in high school, was now naked and entwined with hers. But the real difference was Mark being inside her; uniting their bodies in a way she never imagined before that night they first kissed. She wanted nothing more than to keep making love with Mark Morgan for the rest of the day, and then for the rest of her life.

Another surge of passion began building within her, taking control of her body and mind until it broke in a long, exquisite orgasm that left her tingling and breathless. Although stunned by the erotic explosion, her mind and body were still in synch with the rhythm of Mark's movements.

As she reeled from the force of her own climax, Mark began slamming into her with strong, possessive thrusts until, with a moan of, "Oh, Amy," he buried himself deep inside her trembling body.

She luxuriated in the feel of his shaft throbbing in time with her own excited pulse. There had been other men, but this was different. This was her man. This was forever. When Mark's body relaxed, Amy pulled him close and wrapped him in her arms.

They lay together, spent and happy, their moist bodies tangled in a lover's knot, savoring their first moment of shared, post-coital bliss. Amy would have been willing to lie there all day, just looking up into the clear, late afternoon sky while holding Mark in her arms. But the moment ended when someone yelled for them.

"Hey, where'd y'all go?"

The driftwood that protected their hiding place from prying eyes also blocked their view. However, Amy recognized the voice of her cousin Libby. Apparently, she and Bob had finished their own lovemaking.

"We're over here," shouted Amy.

"Where's over here and just what are you two doing there?" Libby's voice held a note of uncertainty.

Mark turned his head and yelled, "Tell us what y'all were doing, first."

Amy could almost see Bob grinning as he said, "Oh, you know, this and that."

"Well, this and that is what we've been doing," said Mark.

"Are you serious?" The tone of Libby's voice was a mixture of excitement and incredulity. She'd spent the summer trying to talk Amy into making a move on Mark. "I mean, the two of you, have you really been doing it?"

"We're getting married." Amy's announcement brought a squeal of pleasure from Libby.

"She's wrong," said Mark. He turned and looked down at Amy, who grinned back. She knew exactly what he was about to say. "We're already married. Husband and wife, it's even been consummated, the whole nine yards. We just haven't gotten around to a wedding ceremony."

"That's us," said Amy. "We've gone from being old friends to being an old married couple." She wrapped her arms around Mark's neck and tried to pull his head down to hers.

Before she could get his mouth within reach, Mark said, "Hey Bob, you engaged young people make yourselves comfortable. Looks like us old married folks have some more consummating to take care of."
 
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Pure and company,

Thanks for letting my poor pitiful prose show up for an "airing." Of course, at my age, I'm grateful for anything I can get up. As Pure indicate, a much, much earlier version of this story went through the SDC about a year ago.

Any and all comments, whether brickbats or bouquets will be appreciated. However, remembering this is a "romance" your thoughts on: the two "love" scenes, the dialogue between the two characters, the internal dialogue by Amy, and the ending would be especially helpful.

Thanks in advance for your time and comments.

Rumpmle Foreskin :cool:
 
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Our moderator is and was quite in favor of literary analysis of the mainly NON evaluative sort. So, in her honor:

You need not answer all of these questions (of my invention), but have fun. They are dedicated to Killer M.

{{Added: 11-07. This is just a bit of fun for the ones with literary interests or inclinations; the questions are not 'assigned' or obligatory. Nor do they purport to cover all the main issues that could be raised in a literary analyis. They are an impromptu sample, I came up with in an hour.}}

Rumple, is he has no interest in these, is free to propose or add on his own.


1. What is the genre of the story.

2. What conventions of the genre, if any, does the author break?

3. The author, as is not uncommon, essentially tells two stories, one in the present (A) (they talk, then make love), one in the past(B) (the time they almost made love).

How does the author handle the double narrative--timing, pacing?
What is the effect of having the characters talk through the story B, as opposed, say, to the narrator telling it?

3. Consider the following: A romance usually has some obstacles and misunderstandings. Yet these occur entirely in the 'B' story. Does that affect, or lessen, the drama and tension of the 'A' story?

4. What is the effect of the foreshadowing, in Amy's dream, on the impact of the later unfolding of story A? Is 'too much' given away, in respect of the turns of events? What is gained/lost by having story A so closely mirror the dream encounter.

5. What is the narrator's point of view? It seems to be 'near' Amy's thoughts at times, and distant, or Godlike, at others. What is the effect of that? What would have been gained/lost by a more consistent pov?

6. Discuss the methods of characterization. Is there a problem in characterizing Amy, because of the narrator's frequent adoption of her point of view, language, etc? Do you agree that the author prevents us from having an objective view of Amy? (I.e., the effect is almost as if Amy is telling the story.) How does that help (not help) the reader get a 'feel' for Amy (as it were).
IOW, does the author fail to gain some advantages of the third person limited omniscient narration method?

7. Discuss the possible literary reasons for the occurrence of a marriage proposal, and its timing in the story? Does it fit the character of Mark? Does it strike you that the proposal is there more for 'moral reasons', in terms of making the story a 'classic romance'?
 
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Hi Rumple!

(Sorry Pure. I'm no good at the literary thing!)

Very sweet, Rumple, and definitely one for the romance category. The thing that kept getting me though - which has both its pluses and minuses - is that I think you went to fast, and missed a lot of detail. This is a positive too, because I wanted the gaps to be filled.

Example:

Sure they hadn’t so much as held hands since that night, and now he was dating that slut, Bebe Boudreaux. Amy had tried to break them up all summer, but that was because she despised Bebe and knew the little tramp would be so bad for Mark. This was different. Now she wanted Mark for herself.

- what had amy been doing to break them up?
- how did mark feel about this? did he know or guess?
- And Bebe - she had to know, you would think, so what did she do to get between two best friends or counter-act amy's efforts?

But getting him wasn’t going to be easy. Amy knew Mark so well, she could practically name the day Bebe first let him “seduce” her. And since she was the type who’d put out like a soft drink machine if it was in her interest, and since she was very interested in latching onto Mark, he was probably getting all the action he could handle. If Bebe hadn’t been out of town this weekend, he might not have even come to the wedding.

- was bebe his first?
- how did amy know, or how did mark give it away [I'm guessing he wasn't the kiss and tell type]
- why was bebe interested in latching onto mark? we know amy likes him, but what is the attraction for bebe?
- why wouldn't he have made it too the wedding? did bebe have him under her thumb? did this grind on amy's nerves?

They are some of the questions I have :D

Great story! :kiss:
 
Rumple's plaintext version has been moved to the first posting--second part-- of this thread.
 
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Hi, Pure (just in case).

Rumple, it's too bloody long. Besides I lean nothing from reading 'Romance' story.
 
ChilledVodka said:
Hi, Pure (just in case).

Rumple, it's too bloody long. Besides I lean nothing from reading 'Romance' story.
CV,

If brevity is the soul of wit, you are one smart, well, whatever. But you shouldn't be prejudiced. It's romance, but there is sex.

Rumple Foreskin :cool:
 
Overall, I enjoyed this story. It is sweet, and I for one appreciate that. It has a tone of innocent joy, reflected in the emphasis on connecting love with sex. The characters are appealing in large part because they are so guileless, and in this way Bebe provides a nice foil for Amy. We come to know more about who Amy is because we know who she is not (The contrast of Amy's and Bebe's physical descriptions works in much the same way, but less effectively). That sense of innocence, or purity of motive, if you prefer, could perhaps be more effectively conveyed by setting the story in 1967 rather than 1968. 1967 was the so-called "Summer of Love," and while probably more prevalent in San Francisco than in Louisiana, this small adjustment automatically equates sex and love and brings with it the idea that sex is a positive to be embraced.
I like that the story has a limited narrative perspective. By confining the flow of events to Amy's perception, the reader identifies with her more, and the innocence is preserved. We are invested in what Amy thinks and feels and consequently in what she does and how Mark reacts. A more omniscient perspective would dissipate that identification and possibly, though not inevitably, lead to a stronger sense of voyeurism, which would conflict with (or possibly negate outright) the innocence that is the story's charm. Not that I'm against voyeurism; it just doesn't fit the tone of this particular story.
There are some elements that seem a little forced, however. First, and I know this is nitpicky, but full names in a story this short strike a false note to me, unless there is some specific reason for them. The story would not suffer at all if it began simply "Amy sat alone," of if "Mark, her best friend, was lugging." If their respective families and lineages played a large roll in their motivations or in the arc of the story, then it would make sense to assign surnames. But here they seem simply one detail among others, and since they don't add anything, the story loses nothing without them. Second, the dialogue at the crucial moments (i.e. - their professions of love) does not flow as smoothly as earlier exchanges. I like the Joe Friday reference and the quitting smoking discussion; some of the linguistic mannerisms work quite well (I'm thinking specifically of the tentativeness and expectancy expressed in Amy's question, "why didn't you, well, why did you stop?" and Mark's light "So you pays your money" comment, an attempt to downplay the intensity of his feelings through humor and guard against possible humiliation). But in the more serious exchanges, the dialogue seems clunky, and not from the characters' emotional states. Amy's use of the phrase "so far out" seems an unsuccessful attempt to simulate the slang of the time period. I would suggest taking that out. And Mark's response to Amy's question of whether she is more than just a friend to him seems too wordy for a moment like that. Some of the most effective communication in the story comes when Mark is silent (when he refrains from making jokes; when he quiets Amy before she can speak). This moment, the instant when Amy (and the reader with her) learn exactly how Mark feels, would benefit from a bit of silence: more action, less talk. Wouldn't it be more convincing for Mark to kiss Amy as a response, perhaps saying her name first? The speech itself is ok; it could come after they have kissed. But the response would be stronger and more effective if it were active.

Well, those are my thoughts. Thanks for taking the time to read them. You've got a good story here. I encourage you to keep writing.
 
Sandj,

You may be a Lit "virgin" but you're no beginner. That was a very good, very helpful critique. (Of course it wasn't in the same class as the one by CV, but as you'll soon learn, CV is in a class by himself.) Your comments addressed many of the concerns I had with the story. Thank you.

Welcome to Lit. Stop by the Author's Hangout and dip an oar into those, uh, unique waters.

Rumple Foreskin :cool:
 
Welcome Sandj,

I'm the director of traffic in these parts; we're an informal group with some pretty good writers, and I'm glad to see your contribution. It appears to have had some of my questions on the back burner. In any event, they showed some perceptiveness and background (?) if I'm not mistaken.

If you're interested in substantial stories with romantic overtones, you might look at the contributions (threads) of neonlyte and Black Shanglan. At threads remain open for comment and discussion.

Do hang around, and if you have a story for critique, sign up, and introduce yourself in the initial 'sticky', top thread of the forum, which functions as a queue and control gadget.

J.
"pure"
temporary directior of traffic. (not moderator).
 
Rumple,

Letting you know, I will comment, just a lot on my plate for the next couple of days. :)
 
I liked it!

Although I liked it much better after reading the plaintext version. The foreign symbols were driving me crazy. :)

Anyway, I also thought it was sweet too. The limited perspective from Amy's POV was nice, as it built up her character nicely. It could easily become a "oh, why doesn't he love me, boo hoo" pity party, esp. with the part with Bebe. However, Rumple, you did not lay it on too thick; just thick enough for the reader to sympathize with Amy.

To take up some of the questions posed by Pure, I thought the dream was a nice build-up. We knew something was going to happen, considering we're reading this on Lit. On the other hand, for some reason I was just as confused as Amy was when it was apparent the dream was a dream. I don't know if that was your intention or perhaps I just wasn't reading carefully enough, but I had to go back and read. I probably wasn't reading carefully enough.

The only thing I wasn't sure about was the whole marriage proposal. I understand that it would make sense to propose/or to do it in the heat of moment while near newly married friends, I thought it was a little out of character for Mark. Maybe it's just me.

It surprised me when he proposed marriage to her, despite having been friends for such a long time. I thought they'd be content to play the old married couple without marriage necessarily entering the conversation. It just seemed a little too rushed/jumping on the bandwagon for them to decide to get married. However, it did make for a nice ending.

Well, therese are just some thoughts of mine. I'll probably come back and add to them. Hope they were helpful/interesting in some way. :)
 
Rumple,

I found it a pleasant enough story, but the conflict is too light and the resolution too easy. As such, I didn't find any real suspense and I didn't share any of Amy's anguish. Maybe the story could start earlier, or backfill more. I wish I could have experienced Amy's reaction to Bebe's appearance. It might have been interesting to see how Amy dealt with the frustration as the unexplained attempts to break up Bebe and Mark failed. I would have liked to form my own opinion regarding whether Bebe was really bad news for Mark. And the skinny-dipping scene- that was worth exploring, could have been a nice tension-filled tease. I wanted to read about all those things, and more. For the most part, I liked the dialogue and found both the conversations and events believable. I did like what there was of the story but I guess I just wanted more.

I am a bit confused regarding the relation of the events of May 11, 1968. Initially, the scene appears to be a flashback, but later Amy seems to have been napping and that would imply a dream.

After reading the other comments, I realize my thoughts are similar to those of wishfulthinking, so I'm not sure I added anything useful except perhaps to indicate more than one reader may share similar concerns regarding the brevity of the tale.

Take Care,
Penny
 
I remember this story from a year ago. I remember the curious wedding on the levee (not being from the south, I’d always assumed levees were big ugly concrete things like dams, a strange place for a wedding) and I remembered the awkward opening with a dream-flashback. I still think it’s awkward and disorienting to open with a scene that serves no purpose but to let her have a flashback. I think you could have just told us about her earlier experience with Mark rather than taking us back there to see it.

The main problem with this story, though, is no matter how many times you tell us that they’re best friends—and you tell us that an awful lot—they just don’t act like best friends. They act like people who know each other and who are about to have sex. The breezy interchanges come off—to me, at least—as forced and a little contrived and unnatural.

Case in point: I know this is said tongue-in-cheek, but would you ever say something like this to your best friend? :"Right as usual, superstar Amy. Not that a guy like me would ever have a chance with a drop-dead gorgeous female like you."

No. You might say it to a kid sister, but most likely the teasing would be more vicious.

Or when he says this: “…when we were kids and old Jeff, your natural born tomcat, went one-on-one with that log truck and lost.” That parenthetical “your natural born tomcat” is obviously there for the reader’s benefit. A best friend would only mention the time your cat got run over. You’d know what he meant.

That’s the thing. Friends really don’t palaver this much. They can read each other without words: a raised eyebrow, a shrug, a grunt, a tilt of the head. Their private jokes consist of a word or two. The bit with the cigarette was good. That’s the kind of thing a friend might do: know when you wanted a smoke and light one for you. But other than that, Jeff and Amy talk and act like neighbors on a first date: the forced, kidding tone, the kind of verbal hair-tousling. It’s entirely too bright and impersonal.
It’s very Normal Rockwell-y.

In a story like this it’s absolutely crucial you get the tone of their relationship right at the start. The whole plot involves them going from being friends to lovers, and this just rings false to me. There’s a big change in perception that has to happen in going from friendship to sex, and we don’t see that here. This is mainly a case of, “Well, do you want to do it?” “Sure, I guess. Why not?” That’s not going to win any drama awards.

What’s missing is an exploration of the emotional changes they go through in shifting gears. There’s a lot of mental juggling on her part as to what this will mean, but very little emotional affect. We’re not sure why she wants Mark so much all of a sudden, other than you tell us that she does. Wouldn’t she have had a revelatory moment? Some event where she suddenly looks at her childhood friend, the guy whose familiarity makes him almost invisible, and sees him as a sexual male? How does that happen and what does she see? The fact that he’s dating Bebe might hit her mentally, but it’s not going to cause that emotional change, at least, not the way it’s presented here. Something happens inside of her emotionally, and that’s the real crux of this story. That’s what we really want to read about.

I imagine that making a lover out of a childhood friend would have some of the emotional tang of incest about it (not a bad thing at Lit) and that it wouldn’t be as easy as you portray it here. I think there’d be some fear and awkwardness too. I think Mark might be frightened and embarrassed by her sudden sexual interest, maybe frightened by his own desire for her too when she comes on to him. It would be very interesting to see how it played out.

I really admire what you’re trying to do in this story, and I think it’s very difficult to do. But there’s a lot you haven’t told us in here, and that’s where the meat of this story is. I’m afraid the way it’s written now, it just doesn’t feel real to me. They don’t really feel like friends, and they don’t really feel like lovers afterwards. I think the reason is, the underlying emotions are missing.

---dr.M.
 
Comments: A GREAT ROMANCE

Rumple, I like it. It's optimistic and joyous. The characters are well defined. The story is tight and well focused.

I agree with Sandj that limiting the narrative perspective to just what Amy can see or remember strengthens the story. It makes it unmistakably her story.

I disagree with Wishfulthinking that going into what Amy did to spoil Bebe's chances would help. It feels to me that it would be a distraction, and would lead to widening the perspective which would diffuse the story's sharp focus on Amy's perceptions and feelings. Although, a brief reference to why Bebe is so interested in Mark wouldn't hurt. Amy displays a lot of venom toward a girl who is doing her best to make Amy's best friend happy. It would be interesting to know if there's anything behind it besides the fact that she's got the man that Amy wants. If there is, it would give both Amy and Mark a little more depth. If there isn't, it would make Amy a little more shallow. In the end, it's not too important. Amy feels it and the story is from her perspective, so it's part of her reality.

I admire the economy and precision with which you first outlined Mark's character, working strictly from Amy's view point and their interaction in the dream sequence. After that sketch, Mark's actions for the rest of the story were entirely consistent.

I thought the following passage was masterful. In it, Mark is obviously talking around what he feels in order to avoid talking about what he feels. He eventually got to it, but he had to sneak up on it.
----------------------------------
Mark nodded and flipped away his cigarette. "Right as usual, superstar Amy. Not that a guy like me would ever have a chance with a drop-dead gorgeous female like you."

He waved off her protests and continued, "The way I figure it, our problem is we're the last of the unrepentant, unreconstructed, hopeless southern romantics. We belong in 1868, not 1968. Someone should have kept us from reading, "Ivanhoe," when we were kids and I know we've read, and seen, "Gone With the Wind," way too many times.

"Instead of the great romance we both think we want, we got two old friends so smashed they started making out. And while it was a helluva lot of fun, at least for me, that probably doesn't qualify as a great romance."

"So what do we have?"

"We like each other. That's what we have. At least, it's what I have. Because, in my own weird way, I do love you, Amanda Nicole Collins. You're very special to me, maybe even more now that we've kissed. And that feeling, that, whatever, it's something I don't ever want to lose."
--------------------------------

You had a lot of good period references.

I thought the ending was very good. A little out of period, but good.

**********************************************************

That was the good news. The bad news is listed more or less in what I consider to be the order of importance. So, if you swallow the big toad first, nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

=============================

First Toad: Having the narrator speak Amy's thoughts without quoting her did not work for me at all. The reason is because whether finite, mortal Amy is speaking the words or the omniscient narrator is speaking them changes their meaning dramatically. For example:

------------------------
"Face it, Amy old girl," she muttered, "for someone who's supposed to be so damn good looking, you've got a lousy record with guys." The brainy track star back in high school, the LSU quarterback her freshman year, followed by the South American diplomat's son, and now the future architect. They were all fascinating, even exotic. With each one she thought it was real love. Maybe it had been.
-------------------------

If "Maybe it had been." is in Amy's voice it's perplexity, sadness, maybe wishful thinking. If the omniscient narrator says it, it's an ominous foreshadowing. Why? Because the narrator knows everything that's happening or going to happen in the story, that's why he's omniscient. And since the narrator is the voice of the story universe, everything he says about it, by definition, is true. So, if "Maybe it had been." is true, it means the four doomed relationships Amy has had already actually were "real love" as best Amy can understand it or experience it. And it implies that her "real love" relationship with Mark will share their fate. The same thing happens with:

------------------------------
What has gotten into you, girl? One minute you're feeling great, joking with the other guests-though why anyone, even hippies, would want an outdoor wedding in August is still beyond me. Then all of a sudden, it's like someone turned on all the bad vibes in the world.
----------------------------

There's a mocking tone to this paragraph. If Amy's saying it, it's perplexity at her mood swings. If the narrator is saying it, it's the cosmic forces of the story universe laughing at Amy's struggles to make sense of her life. The same types of things can be said about:

------------------
When the guy you've dated for over a year, who you're pinned to, who's such a non-demanding gentleman and lover, when he dumps you for another guy, it's way more than depressing.
-----------------------
Because, because he loves me, not the homecoming queen or fraternity sweetheart or any of that crap, just me.
---------------------
Damn it, Mark, just kiss me. Please.
-------------------------

If Amy is saying them, they are her attempts to make sense of her life or expressions of her desires. If the narrator says them they are mockery and imply that the next chapter of the story, instead of being happiness and grand kids, will be an endless string of abusive relationships.

So, the story works as a romance only if the reader mentally supplies the quotes and ascribes the words to Amy. With the quotes, it's a sweet love story. With out the quotes it's an Oedipian tragedy. You have a "Lady or Tiger" story here, Rumple. Is that what you intended?

==========================

Second Toad: I had some problems with period consistent attitudes about sex. Amy's disparaging comments about Bebe are very much in period, but her attitude about her own sex life is modern.

Let me digress a bit to illustrate. In 1963, when I was a senior in high school, my girlfriend loaned a prom dress to a girl who had just been dumped by the guy she had been going with for five years and planned to marry. They had already made the arrangements to go to the prom together and it was too late to change, so they went together rather than miss it or go separately. In a desperate attempt to win him back, she had sex with him after the prom, in the borrowed dress. When my girlfriend's mother found out, she told her daughter to sell the girl the dress, and if she wouldn't buy it, to give it to her, and if she wouldn't take it, to throw it away.

In the suburbs, that was the prevailing attitude, and single women who had sex became social pariahs. Virgin brides or brides who had only had sex with their future husbands were extremely common right through the decade. The Summer of Love was a counter-culture phenomenon, and Amy is definitely main-stream.

At the same time, Amy is an experienced lover. She seems to have had at least four sexual relationships in the last four or so years and she's only about 21 years old. By the main-stream standards of the time, this puts her at the boarder of slutdom herself, yet she and everyone else in the story are acting like it's no big deal, which is a modern attitude.

This may have been what you intended. After all, sometimes the whole point of a story is to tell how things should have been rather than how they were. But if that wasn't what you intended, consider the possibility of moving the story to some unspecified modern date. The story doesn't need to be in 1968. In fact, the only things it really needs are: their friendship from the age of five and the fact that they live in the South. Take out the dates, change 1868 to "right after the Civil War," rework a few period phrases, and the thing is done. Bebe can still be a slut, but it would be for being a conniving bitch rather than for liking sex.

==============================

Third Toad: Mark bangs on a bit in this passage. He's talking when he should be kissing. It's pretty good romantic stuff, he could say it after he kisses her.
--------------------------
A startled look flashed across Mark's features. Then he slid his arms around her slender waist and pulled her close. "You always did have more guts than me. I've fought falling in love with you all summer. And believe me, the night we went skinny-dipping, I damn near lost. But now I surrender, unconditionally. Amy, I love you so much it hurts every time I think of you or even hear your name."

==========================

Fourth Toad: This passage is definitely out of period. Women didn't usually talk about sex with a man, even one they were getting ready to have sex with, and when they did they talked about "going all the way" or some such thing. Only "street walkers" talked about screwing.
-----------------------------
Before he could say anything, Amy continued, "Damn, but life would be so much simpler if we weren't such good friends. I mean, the thing is, our being good friends has gotten us so screwed up we can't.... Well, we can't even screw--and it seems like everybody's doing that nowadays."

=============================

Fifth Toad: The following exchange is good period, but it's so cliche it was a little jarring.
--------------------------------
"Well, I think of yourself as nuts. And before you say it, I know, birds of a feather flock together."

"Takes one to know one, I've always heard. Of course, I've also heard that opposites attract. So you pays your money, you take your pick."

====================================

I had a small bunch of nit picky copy edit stuff, and I wanted to answer Pure's questions, but it's late and I've abused us both enough for one night. I'll try to get to Pure's questions later.

Aegri
 
Hi Rumple,

Your story was fun, and optimistic (which believe me, I have a big soft spot for), and there were some nice moments between the two characters here and there. Overall, though, I'm afraid it didn't work for me.

Here are a couple of the moments I really liked:


As the light from the bonfire dimmed, she found a small, driftwood sanctuary near the riverbank. That's where Mark found her a few minutes later, sitting behind a big log, trying not to cry.

He sat down beside her without saying a word. There was a light, cool breeze coming off the river. When she shivered, he put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. That did it. She let out a sob that was a mixture of despair and release, laid her head on his chest, and cried until she ran out of tears.


I liked that because it is kind of an economical and show-y way to establish the kind of friendship they have. All your mentioning of their being best friends is just not enough for me. I need to be shown that. This is one of the few places you actually do it.

Here's another section I liked for that reason:

"Seriously, do you think they're all right?"

Mark nodded, lit a cigarette, and handed it over. "They're in love, remember? If one of 'em had fallen in, the other would be raising all kinds of hell."

"Oh, that's a real comfort."

After taking a puff, she studied the cigarette. "Weren't we going to quit these things?"

"We did," he replied, placing the pack back in his shirt pocket. "It was our end-of-semester resolution, but it only applies when we're back home."

Mark finished lighting his own cigarette and then pointed to a spot a couple hundred yards away near the river.


The cigarette thing and their dilogue about it is a great little moment, I thought.

The problems I had with the story though, were kind of multi-fold. First, despite the above passages, I had a hard time believing these two as best friends, and an even harder time with their transition from friends to lovers. I don't know. It's hard to pinpoint it, but one of the big problems I had with the story was the dialogue. It's CLOSE, but to me, it's JUST this side of unreal. It's too forced--not awkward enough. And in places, it's just annoyingly snappy and clever. This whole section just gave me big problems in terms of immersing myself into the story:


Amy shook her head and laughed, "Of course not." Gesturing toward the same clump of trees, she asked, "Is that the place, you know, where we.... I mean, is that the place?"

When Mark glanced at her, Amy felt herself blushing. After what seemed like an eternity, he grinned and gestured toward the spot. "You're asking if that's the place where we made out like a couple of wild weasels?"

"Well, yes."

"Well, no. That happened back in the spring. The water was a lot higher back then. We would've needed scuba gear to do anything over where those two are no doubt carrying on.

"The hallowed ground in question, a sacred place forever etched in my memory, is upstream from here," he said, twisting around and pointing north. "You've gotta look back from where dat 'Old Man River' is rolling along now. See that big pile of brush and logs at the foot of those two skinny willows? It was just above the shore back then and made a perfect hideout."

Amy swiveled around on the log and studied the spot. When she spoke, it was in a low, hesitant voice. "Mark, this is a little embarrassing, but why didn't you, well, why did you stop?"

After glancing at Amy, Mark swung around and gazed at the otherwise nondescript pile of driftwood. "Something just told me it wasn't the right time, or place, or thing to do. God knows I didn't want to stop. I mean, it damn near gave me the bends." He gave her a rueful grin.

"But you mean a lot to me, lady, a whole lot, and I didn't want to risk losing my best friend. It would be different if we were in love, you know, romantically. But we're not. I was afraid we wouldn't be able to keep on being friends, like we've always been, if we, well, made love."

"I knew that was what you'd say. And you're right, I suppose. But I still feel guilty. After all, I'm the one who started it, so it's kind of my fault you got the bends."

"No complaints. You were ripped, bummed out, and very vulnerable. And don't forget, the party was my dumb idea. I'm just glad I happened to notice you wandering away. Besides, if it hadn't happened, I might never have known my best friend's such a great kisser."

"Your saying that is so far out because, while we were kissing, I was thinking the same thing about you."

Before he could say anything, Amy continued, "Damn, but life would be so much simpler if we weren't such good friends. I mean, the thing is, our being good friends has gotten us so screwed up we can't.... Well, we can't even screw--and it seems like everybody's doing that nowadays."

Mark nodded and flipped away his cigarette. "Right as usual, superstar Amy. Not that a guy like me would ever have a chance with a drop-dead gorgeous female like you."

He waved off her protests and continued, "The way I figure it, our problem is we're the last of the unrepentant, unreconstructed, hopeless southern romantics. We belong in 1868, not 1968. Someone should have kept us from reading, "Ivanhoe," when we were kids and I know we've read, and seen, "Gone With the Wind," way too many times.

"Instead of the great romance we both think we want, we got two old friends so smashed they started making out. And while it was a helluva lot of fun, at least for me, that probably doesn't qualify as a great romance."

"So what do we have?"

"We like each other. That's what we have. At least, it's what I have. Because, in my own weird way, I do love you, Amanda Nicole Collins. You're very special to me, maybe even more now that we've kissed. And that feeling, that, whatever, it's something I don't ever want to lose."


I don't know. Besides the sort of manufactured and very tell-y (this is how we felt and then we felt this and then this....and now I feel this and this...) aura of the dialogue, there's just not a whole lot of tension or awkwardness, or conflict there. I just didn't care what they decided because I didn't relate to either character except in a few tiny little moments. (Mostly the moments I really liked were those moments were when I saw the humor between them, like the Joe Friday comment... or the "You've got to tell me what you were dreaming about" and "None of your business, mister" exchange. To clarify, those were things I LIKED).

On the whole, though, it's all just so darn easy... and ultimately, boring. Also, I didn't get a real sense of the difference between the two characters. They sounded alike to me. The only difference was this kind of surface level, low-stakes conflict between how they each viewed their friendship and the prospects for somethng more to grow out of it, which was easily resolved soon enough. I didn't get a sense of particularly well developed characters. It was just all very superficial to me.

So, by the time I got to the sex, I just didn't care. I knew it was all going to be easy and perfect and happy, and since there was no real tension to begin with, there was nothing really to work out or explore in the sex scene.

Anyway, my bias for more mystery and spontineaty and unpredicability and tension and awkwardness is clearly showing through here. I also believe that there are different levels of show versus tell, and although you show the story well in terms of sequence of events, and trying to tell the story through dialogue, I feel that a lot of the tiny little show-y details are really missing, and the dialogue is stiff in its attempt to quickly establish a very complex conflict and resolution all in one conversation with the sparest of attention to the emotions involved--a conflict that in a more realistic sense, is likely to work on many levels and over a period of time.

The story is a happy one, and optimistic, and I really really do like that kind of thing, but in many ways for me it's not near emotionally charged or developed enough to be interesting. There's some really nice dialogue alongside some stiff dialogue. There's some good characterization, but for me there isn't enough. It's a good story, but somehow it lacks the punch it would need to really make an impact on me, even if all I'm meant to do is enjoy their sexual encounter at the end.

Let me attempt to answer some of Pure's questions:

1. What is the genre of the story.

Romance, I presume. I'm not sure that I completely understand that "genre" or what readers who enjoy it expect when they read it.

2. What conventions of the genre, if any, does the author break?

I don't think I'm qualified to answer this question. I tend to write and read stories independent of the constraints and classifications of "genre".

3. The author, as is not uncommon, essentially tells two stories, one in the present (A) (they talk, then make love), one in the past(B) (the time they almost made love).

How does the author handle the double narrative--timing, pacing?
What is the effect of having the characters talk through the story B, as opposed, say, to the narrator telling it?


I think the double narrative is important and I like the economical handling of it. I also like the idea of having the characters talk through story B, but I thought by the way it was handled, it could have just as easily been told to us by the narrator and we wouldn't have lost anything. I think this was a bit of a missed opportunity to infuse some of that emotional conflict I was missing. The fact that the characters talk through story B would, to me, be done that way so that we can see story B through each of their perspectives, colored with their own emotions and ideas about what had happened. Instead the way it's done is very detached and narrative. It tells us what happened rather than shows us how what happened in the past effects the characters in the present. In my opinion (and granted, I've got my own glaring shortcomings as both a critiquer and a writer) I think it was a great choice to do it this way, but the execution was sort of disappointing to me.

3. Consider the following: A romance usually has some obstacles and misunderstandings. Yet these occur entirely in the 'B' story. Does that affect, or lessen, the drama and tension of the 'A' story?

Yes. I think it does, but I think I've covered this to death already.

4. What is the effect of the foreshadowing, in Amy's dream, on the impact of the later unfolding of story A? Is 'too much' given away, in respect of the turns of events? What is gained/lost by having story A so closely mirror the dream encounter.

Hm. I think the dream is too close to reality. I think it doesn't foreshadow as much as it spoils their eventual coming together. Again, alot of the tension and unpredictablity of the story is lost because evertyhing seems destined to turn out the way it does, and I think the dream contributes to this. If that was the intent, then mission accomplished, but I would have preferred it if the foreshadowing devices were a little less blatant about what actually happens.

5. What is the narrator's point of view? It seems to be 'near' Amy's thoughts at times, and distant, or Godlike, at others. What is the effect of that? What would have been gained/lost by a more consistent pov?

I think perhaps a more consistent point of view would have been more effective. As Pure mentioned earlier in one of his questions, one of the staples of the "romance" genre is a resolution of misunderstandings... or awkwardness between the two principle characters. I think it might have been more interesting in this case to follow one character and stick closely with that. If not that, then find a point of view that's sort of equal in it's ability to see into the characters heads--but right now, it seems that the characters themselves can see into each other's heads too easily. It would have been more interesting to me to see the characters dealing with their emotions... deal with the misunderstandings that each is having about the other. Again, this could be my bias. I've finally finished a story (soon be posted) that's been a long time in development that is ALL about this... so clearly this is the kind of thing that interests me. As always, ignore me as you see fit.

6. Discuss the methods of characterization. Is there a problem in characterizing Amy, because of the narrator's frequent adoption of her point of view, language, etc? Do you agree that the author prevents us from having an objective view of Amy? (I.e., the effect is almost as if Amy is telling the story.) How does that help (not help) the reader get a 'feel' for Amy (as it were).
IOW, does the author fail to gain some advantages of the third person limited omniscient narration method?


Yes... the effect IS almost as if Amy is telling the story, even when the narrator moves more outside of her head during the second section. I'm not sure that I need an objective view of Amy, really, but like I said, I had a hard time getting a clear view of Mark, perhaps because there was this sense that the story was being told through the rose colored glasses of Amy's eyes. It was almost to the point where it felt like Amy and Mark were almost exactly the same person--when in fact that could have just been the effect of seeing everything through the reflective point of view of a a somewhat unreliable Amy. I don't know. I'm really probably talking out of my ass right now. Anyway, it was an intersting choice, but I'm not sure it was completely effective.

7. Discuss the possible literary reasons for the occurrence of a marriage proposal, and its timing in the story? Does it fit the character of Mark? Does it strike you that the proposal is there more for 'moral reasons', in terms of making the story a 'classic romance'?

The proposal seems very sudden and sort of... unmotivated to me. I didn't get the sense that it was there for "moral" reasons, but it might have given it that more "ideal" feel in terms of the "Perfect Romance" ending (which might very well have been what Rumple was going for). I think in a sense that it succeeded in that way, but me being me, I don't think it was necessary. In some ways I think it detracted from the believability of the story--things happening so quickly and easily, etc.


Ok. I've talked way too much, I'm afraid. I wanted to say, though that the story was an easy read, and it had nice language and pacing. These are things that are easy to take for granted when I'm sitting here picking it apart in terms of elements of emotional power and motivation, but the importance of them is not to be ignored. I really LIKE the idea of the story, and what you're trying to do, I was just missing alot of the little nuances and deeper explorations of character would have really made this story real for me. As always, ignore what you don't like--which in this case, might be all of it.

Thanks for listening, anyway. :) I'm off to read others' comments.
 
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aegrisomnia said:

First Toad: Having the narrator speak Amy's thoughts without quoting her did not work for me at all. The reason is because whether finite, mortal Amy is speaking the words or the omniscient narrator is speaking them changes their meaning dramatically.

I didn't have the problems with this that aegrisomnia had... at all. I think it's darn obvious that the thoughts are Amy's, and the at this point in the story the narrator is directly over the shoulder of Amy, passing on her thoughts, unfiltered. I would have preferred NOT to see Amy's thoughts in quotes. As strongly as aegrisomnia feels about it, I feel just as strongly in the opposite direction.


So, the story works as a romance only if the reader mentally supplies the quotes and ascribes the words to Amy. With the quotes, it's a sweet love story. With out the quotes it's an Oedipian tragedy. You have a "Lady or Tiger" story here, Rumple. Is that what you intended?

Nope... don't agree with this one bit. I mean, it's all a matter of perception, but it's damn obvious to me that these are Amy's thoughts. I never thought anything else. Again, I would have hated having quotes there...

Perhaps the problem is that the point of view kind of shifts later... where these kinds of thoughts aren't as predominant as they are earlier in the story.

Just my counterpoint to aegrisomnia's point I guess.
 
A couple points already mentioned. There is a clear narrator at times, with something in the ball park of omnisciece.

Here are some examples:



Saying she'd been in bed all day, which was true, they forced her to get up and come with them. || LSU students are always ready to party.

Their lips met in a long kiss that marked the change in the nature of their love.

Then their hips moved toward one another and the bodies of the two old friends fused into one new being.


====
====
Just as clearly the narrator is very often relaying Amy's thoughts, in more or less her concepts and words"

Sure they hadn't so much as held hands since that night, and now he was dating that slut, Bebe Boudreaux. Amy had tried to break them up all summer, but that was because she despised Bebe and knew the little tramp would be so bad for Mark. This was different. Now she wanted Mark for herself.

====
Amy began to cry. Why hadn't she realized how much she loved Mark? And how close had she come to losing him?

But getting him wasn't going to be easy.

=====
In each case i can imagine Amy saying it, i.e., "I despise Bebe and the little tramp is so bad for Mark."

Since the main action is Amy's getting Mark into position and into the mood, the last quote is a clear thought "It won't be easy for me to get him."

-----

With this distinction in mind, let's look at the passage aegri and mlyons are talking about.

Rumple said
The brainy track star back in high school, the LSU quarterback her freshman year, followed by the South American diplomat's son, and now the future architect. They were all fascinating, even exotic. With each one she thought it was real love. Maybe it had been.

Aegrisomnia complains..

{Regarding the list of past lovers} "The reason is because whether finite, mortal Amy is speaking the words or the omniscient narrator is speaking them changes their meaning dramatically."

Agri, as I read his/her words, thinks "Maybe it had been" had to be Amy's thought, else things look tragic. But Rumple is reproached, I think, for putting the words out of quotes, and into the narration.

M Lyons:
I didn't have the problems with this that aegrisomnia had... at all. I think it's darn obvious that the thoughts are Amy's, and the at this point in the story the narrator is directly over the shoulder of Amy, passing on her thoughts, unfiltered. I would have preferred NOT to see Amy's thoughts in quotes. As strongly as aegrisomnia feels about it, I feel just as strongly in the opposite direction.

I'm with MLyons that the 'quotes' problem is of no bother.

BUT ML thinks 'the narrator is directly over the shoulder of Amy, passing on her thoughts, unfiltered.'

I disagree. Looking at the two sets of examples, the listing of lovers is probably NOT Amy's thought. I don't see Amy's thoughts as engaged in a detailed review of past lovers, at that point. Indeed, as I see it, "maybe it had been" is likely not her thought either.

I think the narrator is filling in the reader and that the narrator, whatever he knows, is simply saying, after the list, "be that as it may" {=i don't want to get into this, now or 'maybe'}.

----
There is a nice fluidity in how Rumple moves from narrator-above-it-all to narrator relaying Amy's thoughts and state. In some cases one can hardly tell; maybe that's why aegri and mlyons disagree. BTW, my questions were not intended to imply such moving was necessarily a problem. I think it's common, if you analyze texts. The point is to see how it's handled, and its effect.
 
Yes yes. I think I expressed my thoughts incorrectly there. I think Pure has a more accurate take on how I felt about the narration and POV of the story. I didn't necessarily mean, "Unfiltered" and shouldn't have put it that way... but it's clear as crystal to me without any extra help from the author where the narrator is coming from. Like Pure, I think Rumple handles the movement of the narrator nicely as is. Whether the choice itself is effective in telling the story, that's another question entirely. Just my take anyway.
 
Rumple,

Honest? I read this story easy enough, but I was not very interested. First I thought that would be because I do not care for romance very much.

I couldn't quite figure out what was missing, so I read the other comments first. Something I never do otherwise but it helped me this time. I will try to give some helpful comments, hopefully without parroting others. ;)

There is nothing wrong with the writing, the painting of the scenes is good. I especially liked the first part, telling us about the river and how Amy is feeling.

And that is also what is missing for me in this story. Since it's a romantic tale I would expect much more anguish before bliss.

When Amy realizes her perception of Mark is changed there should be fretting at the very least. Wanting him, wondering if she will dare to go for him and damn, there is that Bebe snatching him up.

I think that could be the hurdle in this story, but then it needs to be much bigger. Get a lot more attention. Like others have said, let us know why Bebe is bad for Mark. Show how Amy tried to break them up and maybe even hint at how Mark is experiencing all of this. If they are such good friends, he must notice the change in her behavior.

Another thing that strikes me as a bit incomplete is the way Amy sees herself. She is presented as drop-dead gorgeous but she does not perceive herself in that way. That kind of double thing is perfectly alright but not if she is stunning. Give us at least one feature that is not perfect in her eyes. Just my opinion. LOL

As for the marriage proposal, to me it was totally unnecessary. Specially not in the late '60's. I seem to remember free love was in the air and we all wanted to change the world and live in communes. Could be European lewdness. :eek:

As for the questions Pure added, sorry but they are too high brow for me. At least right now, being a bit too hyped for serious literary dissection.

Whatever I said about the story, feel free to ignore all of it.
Oh, and I still love you!


;) :eek: :D
 
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BTW, I want to thank MLyons for attempting the questions. It was a good response.

Aegri, welcome, and thanks likewise. Your comments are excellent.

I know the questions are a bit wordy, but perhaps raise some intriguing issues. At any rate, I'd like to demonstrate to some forum lurkers and participants that these and other threads are not high school book reviews: 'what I liked and didn't like about your story-- and how it made me feel.'

BTW, Black Tulip, I'm sure you're the questions are _not_ above your 'brow,' though I confess I didn't rewrite them more than once, and in parts they are less than ideally clear.

====
Note to Rumple: On the point gnawed on a couple times, my present thought is "Yes, I could live with the fact that the present story (A) is 'They're going to talk over the past misfire, and--under Amy's initiative--get it on, this time, and cement a bond forever." And that it proceeds straighforwardly (if subtly guided, by Amy) with only the usual shyness issues.

IOW, the present chain of events is without obstacles; the misunderstandings and tension are in the past, the before-story (B). What I'm not entirely comfortable with is that *their discussion of the past is entirely agreeable, and only similarities of view are brought out.* It seems to me that the situation of the 'before story' (B), however is freighted with possible misunderstandings. It's very odd, that not one emerges: I.e., "you said 'X' and I thought you meant 'abc' ". "No, I didn't at all; I meant 'fgh'." "You seemed hurt." "No, actually I was angry."

This sort of thing would creat a bit more tension in the story, since--despite the rosey optimism-- it would be a little unclear whether the past miscommunication can be sorted out, without disturbing some deep feelings. IOW a bit of drama in the sorting out, as opposed to "I was thinking Y." "Oh, that's what figured you were thinking. And you also seemed X" "Yes, that's it exactly."

This is a bit wordy, but perhaps you get the point.

PS. I've just read mab., and I think he's saying somewhat the same. It's as if they're sorting out. "What became of your tomcat. I always wondered if he got hit be a car, so I was afraid to bring it up." "Oh, I had to put him down because his kidneys failed, and you were out of town, so I never mentioned it." "Oh, I see."

To sort out a past snafu of the type described, where both may have come away wondering "why did it stop" --and both go on to date others--- is often an emotional minefield. And as mab says, if 'friendship' was a bar (as in incest), then it's not easily and quickly talked and fucked past in a half hour. Yes, one wants a new day of love and lovemaking to dawn, but those last hours before sunrise have their darkness.
 
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I’ve been thinking about this story and my response for the past few days, and I aplogize if my post came off sounding unusually harsh. (I believe I wrote my critique the evening of election day and I wasn’t in a good mood) Rumple, you know I have nothing but the highest regard for you as both an author and a critic.

What’s so very difficult about this story is that the change the characters undergo is entirely internal: it’s a change in attitude. The problem the author faces is how to make this change dramatic in both senses of the word. That is: dramatic as in tension and emotion, and dramatic as in physical action that propels a story. In other words, how does an author show us a character changing his/her mind, rather than just telling us about it.

It’s especially tough here, because actually she’s already changed her mind when the story begins. So the only place left for drama is in how is she going to convince Mark to change his mind as well?

In the story as written, that proves pretty easy to do. All she has to do is talk to Mark and explain how she feels, and he’s ready to take her to bed, which he does with huge success.

It makes for a sweet, effortless story, but one that lacks drama and depth, I think. It doesn't really fit the requirement that a story present us with a problem and an emotionally satisfying solution.


---dr.M.
 
Everybody,

Each time I start to write what will be a very sincere "thank you" someone else posts another great critique. So please accept this as an interim note until I can finish digesting all the suggestions.

I've been hanging around SDC for some time, and I can't recall any story ever getting a better set of critiques. They were uniformly well-written, thoughtful, and helpful.

Doc, you never need to apologize to me for anything you write in a critique. You get cut at least a couple miles of extra slack due to all your past help, and then there's the image I get of you gritting your teeth, taking a deep breath, maybe a shot of Jack Daniels, before bravely tackling one of my mushy "love stories." :)

Rumple Foreskin :cool:
 
Comments: A GREAT ROMANCE

Rumple, I agree that most of the time there was no difficulty telling which thoughts were Amy's and which thoughts were the narrator's, but even in the course of this discussion we've found places where it is not clear. The purpose of the writing conventions is to make things like--who's speaking now--clear. When we break the conventions it makes more work for the reader trying to decode our meaning. When an author deliberately breaks a writing convention it's generally to create an effect that can not be expressed any other way, and hopefully will reward the reader for the extra work.

My problem is don't see the point of setting up an ambiguity between the narrator and the main character in this story. It's a straight forward love song. The ambiguity isn't required and it's a distraction. It's like getting ready for this weekend's race by painting a mural on the car instead of tuning the engine. No matter how beautiful the result, it doesn't help you do what you are trying to do, and it diverts resources from what you are trying to do. The clock you're running against is the typical Lit reader's attention span. Any time spent wondering who's speaking, or what does that mean, or even why didn't he use quotes; is time not being spent on wondering how the girl's going to get the guy. Thoughts are dialogue and the convention is to quote. I recommend sticking to the convention for this story.

If you want to use an ambiguity between the narrator and the main character as a story device, I recommend a different kind of story. Some examples might be: the sunny/dark-depending-on-who's-speaking story I mentioned in my last post, or an incorporial life form with movement and perceptions of its own who also experiences the perceptions and thoughts of its human host, or a Greek drama from the perspective of the god who's directing the actions of the humans, or a mind control story from the victim's perspective, or a twin with a very strong telepathic connection to her sister, or two strangers who abruptly swap perceptions at odd moments, discover who the other person is, fall in love and seek each other out. I think it would be brilliant in any of those.

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Pure, I'm only going to be able to answer one of your questions, so I'm going with this one. By the way, I'm of the male persuasion.

7. Discuss the possible literary reasons for the occurrence of a marriage proposal, and its timing in the story? Does it fit the character of Mark? Would it be fair to say that the author had a mainly 'moral' reason for the proposal, in terms of making the story a 'classic romance'?

Rumple, in my earlier post I gave an example of the prevailing feeling about extra-marital sex at the time of the story. 'Free love' got a lot of press and there were some spectacular examples: the Summer of Love, Woodstock, etc; but it was not main-stream. The main-stream attitude was that guy's fooled around with party girls, but they married virgins. If a woman got a reputation for having sex before she was married, she was not respectable. At the time marriage was considered the most desirable of the career choices available to a woman, and a reputation materially damaged her chances of making a good marriage. It also meant she had to put up with a lot more sexual harassment because it was felt she wasn't entitled to the same level of respect as a 'good' woman.

Main-stream society tended to divide unmarried women into virgins and whores, there wasn't much of a middle ground. Socially, a woman took a terrible risk if she had sex before she was married. So, Amy asking Mark why he stopped short of sex was an anachronism. No woman from that time in main-stream U.S. culture would have had to ask. She would have known he stopped because he cared about her enough to not risk her reputation and she would have been grateful. Stopping was a sign of love and caring, not lack of desire. It meant he loved her enough to over-ride his passion and protect her from being grist for malicious gossip.

So, with main-stream couples sex generally didn't start until they were engaged, or at least had been together long enough that it was obvious they were headed in that direction. Mark asking Amy to marry him when it was obvious they were about to have sex, meant he loved her enough to do the thing properly. It meant he wasn't going to take advantage of her feelings for a cheap thrill. That she was more to him than a warm hole to stick his dick in. I know that sounds melodramatic in the modern world, but in the realm of sexual attitudes, this was an alien culture. I think the proposal is an excellent period touch and I recommend you leave it in.

I also suspect you had another reason for the proposal. I got a feeling that Mark had loved Amy for a long time and may even have had wistful dreams of spending their life together, but held back because he didn't think he had a chance and didn't want to lose what he already had. If so, the proposal was very much in character. He would have wanted to ask before she came to her senses and got away.

If that's the case, I have to agree with dr_mabeuse and say that it wasn't very well shown. As it stands, it looks mostly like his interest in her as a partner was only about three months old. If you could put in some hints of long standing feelings, it would make the proposal less of a surprise and more the natural thing to happen at that point in the story. The kiss instead of being the start of his interest in her, could have been the start of a crisis--a realization his feelings were growing so strong he either had to get up his courage and ask, or back off to a safe distance and find someone else. And Amy could have the crisis of realizing just when she's figured out he's the one she really wants she's on the brink of losing him.

Aegri
 
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