Grassroots Disc: Penelope Street, 01/09/05, SDC common queue

[Penelope Street]

Hi. I'm Penny and the story I'd like to volunteer is:

Professional Help

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=174661

Tagline: A woman with unusual desires seeks psychiatric help.

Posted 12/08/04 in the BDSM category.

Length: 5900 words

There are a couple of breaks delineated by asterisks for those who lack the time to read the entire piece.

I would ask that the reviewer please read the story first and then read the next post where I shall elaborate regarding my goals and concerns.

Thank you,
Penny

 

[Penelope Street]

.




I'm assuming you've now read the story, or as much of it as you intend to.

In spite of a very positive recent review from a source that has my utmost respect, I still have a few concerns about the piece. This story is edgier than anything else I have thusfar submitted. Most of the time I try and tell and interesting story with the sex as secondary. In the story arousal was my primary goal. My strategy was to present this wanton woman and tease the reader with her incredible desires before finally delivering the proverbial goods. It was meant to be smut, with no redeeming social content, etc.

Ok, so that was my intent.

My big questions would then be:

Does the protracted tease work?

Does the climactic scene work?

Would the story have been better in the first person, as told by the doctor?

Is the content too soft of otherwise inappropriate for the BDSM category?

Is the ending too happy for a story like this?

Naturally, any other additional thoughts are most welcome. I've some other minor questions, but would prefer not to distract the review with these. My suspicion is that, given thoroughness of past reviews, someone will likely address my smaller concerns anyway.

Thank you,
Penny

 

[Pure]

Hi Penny,

I've been over it a couple times, and its technical side is strong.
You thought it out carefully, and executed it. It seems you're looking into SM and had a shot at portraying it for, as you say, solely prurient purposes.

The female character seems to have some possibilities of development, and a modicum of interest to the reader. That said, there's a slightly robotic impression of her leaning, as if 'suck me, slut' immediately turns her on tremendously and brings her to her knees.

We are dealing with the 'character' problem, and maybe it's not a problem. As you know it's absent from common porn, and only a few of our pornsters like varian and mabeuse get into it. Were you trying to?

The picture of the 'doc' is a bit more confusing, whether he's a smooth, scheming lech, or just a bit weird and caught up in something suddenly fascinating and erotic. That he at one point reminds himself she likes it nasty makes one think he's experimenting rather than 'acting himself' (ie., as usual).

As to being teased and turned on, personally, it didn't really affect me that much; these matters are hard to predict, and vary from reader to reader. It's hard to say it appears a bit flat to me, but here's what comes to mind: It's pretty predictable that doc's going to have sex with her in a degrading way. OK, all porn has predictable sex. What's necessary, *within* the formula, is some suprises along the way.

Secondly, while you're very graphic, it's as if you're concentrating on the words themselves to 'do the trick.' You have a plan for a graphic, dominant-directed oral sex scene. You put down all the details, esp. visual. The 'mental' is downplayed.

I'm personally kind of jaded, I guess, so I wouldn't [=you shouldn't] worry about being too edgy. You're pushing your own limits, imo, not those of many lit. readers. It's strong and graphic and by no means more than most readers, esp. male ones, have come to expect.

On last question I'd raise is the intended audience. I'd say it's more a male audience. The 'scenic' emphasis of detail, is to me, male oriented.

In closing, you have many of the tools needed for good writing, have good imagination, and aren't prudish, obviously. Try to move things along more quickly, more surprises, and (imo) more characterization. And keep it as 'dirty' as ever!

Best,

J.

 

[Penelope Street]

J.,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response.

My intended audience was men. Most of the time I write a story that I think that my love will enjoy reading. I decided to try something a little different for this effort. At least I can be assured I did manage to be different because she certainly didn't like it!

The comment regarding the characters, or more pointedly the characters' lack of character, brings up at least one issue familiar to me; my male characters tend to be underdeveloped. In the case of the doctor, it wasn't intentional neglect; I concentrated on her instead thinking she would be the focus of the reader's attention. That you found her thin as well perplexes me a bit as I did spend some time attempting to create the ideal submissive, a woman akin to a Stepford wife, but one with more appeal because she both chooses and relishes the role.

As for the doctor, I had in mind he was 'caught up in something suddenly fascinating' and not just a scheming lech. What I envisioned was that he starts detached, becomes curious, then sympathetic, and finally enthralled. Guess I underplayed that, huh? The point where he reminds himself she likes it nasty, this is meant to show that, while he desires her, he will also do things for her that he might not enjoy, because he wants her to be happy too. The ideal submissive deserves a happy ending, doncha think?

The sex scene is not the type of episode I usually enjoy reading, or writing. Perhaps I just went through the motions and ended up with the literary equivalent of stock footage. Or maybe I'm just prudish after all.

I like to think I do characters well most of the time and turn a surprise or two on occasion- but move along quicker? Please! I already thought I was hurrying! Just for that, my next BDSM story is definitely going to be twice as long.

Kidding aside, I appreciate you taking the time read my story and share your thoughts.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Pure]

Hi Penny,
Thanks for your comments. I think you're right about something being not what you like to read or write, and falling back on 'stock' description.

Since a couple other critics are tied up for now, I'll add a couple points.

A) In view of your general command of grammar, style, etc., one area that can easily be improved is sentences, their variety.


From first paras, here are the sentence subjects [# means first word]:
#Claudia, #she, she, friends, hand, #she, (she), Claudia, she, she, #Claudia, #she.

Here's a later passage with the same words asterisked:


*Claudia did so, never releasing her master's cock or slowing her efforts. *She allowed his slowly shrinking cock to slip from her lips only when he withdrew it. *She continued to cast a yearning gaze up to her master, her cheeks puffed wide with the bounty they contained.

"Open wide," Henry demanded. "Show it to me."

*Claudia threw her head back, laying it upon the doctor's black leather sofa. Her face pointed skyward, *she proudly opened her mouth, exposing the creamy white substance that filled most of the interior.

What you might do is examine some stories you admire and get a sense of how this issue is dealt with. Changing the position (of 'Claudia' or 'she') in the sentence helps to a degree, but shouldn't be your only strategy
---

B) As to build-up, tension, etc. You've got one main account from therapy, and one main encounter with the dr in the flesh. One problem is the resemblance. Whether the first predicts the second. It does, to some extent. But looking more closely, my opinion is that the first has more variety and is possibly hotter. So you've shot your wad early. Also her feelings, are similar in the instances.

So one possibility might have been to tell less, and have the last scene be different, or the most detailed. Further, a development of feeling would be nice. Let's say, early on, she says, "I enjoyed being ordered to do X." Later, however, besides X, Y happens, and it hasn't before, and she doesn't know what to make of it; feels a bit disgusted. Then obsesssed, afterwards."


[Scene 1 as patient]


"He was interested immediately. And so was I; he was very handsome. He offered to take me home and fulfill my every fantasy, and I gladly accepted.

"As soon as we got to his place, he began to call me all sorts of nasty names, you know: Bitch, Whore, Slut. It was like I was in heaven. Then he ripped my clothes off, not seeming to care that he ruined them. This thrilled me so much; I almost wet myself on the spot! He threw me to the ground by my hair and told me how worthless I was, but that he was going to teach me to be useful in spite of myself.

"He made me suck his cock until it was good and hard, and wet! Then he plowed it into my ass. I had been sodomized before, but never so cruelly. I mean, I always enjoyed it, but everyone else always went so slow, and they were always so careful. This time, I felt like I had truly been skewered. I thought he had really injured me. I cried out and he didn't even seem to care. It was so wonderful!

"Then he pulled out suddenly. He grabbed me by the hair and yanked me around, to where I was on my knees in front of him, bringing my face to his cock. Then he said, 'Look what a mess you've made of my cock! Lick it clean, you worthless whore!'

"I looked at his dick, and it really didn't look messy- but I knew where it had been- and he was about to make me suck it! It was so nasty, so vile, so debasing, so, so wonderful! I know it sounds really gross now, even to me, but at the time I was very excited."

"Well," began Claudia, "I moved my mouth to follow his instructions and I got my first good whiff. It may not have looked messy, but it smelled bad enough. I knew it would taste even worse. I almost wet myself again." The young woman squirmed noticeably in her chair before she continued.

"Then," Claudia paused to sigh mightily. "My body betrayed me. I'm not sure if it was the smell or all the beer I had drank or maybe just the excitement, but I wretched. I puked, first on his cock and then his floor.

"At first I was distressed; but as soon as my heaves stopped I realized what a blessing in disguise this might be. Surely he would punish me for my misdeed! He might make me lick my vomit off his floor and then- well, who knows what. I was more excited than ever!"

====
Scene 2, at the dr's house.

Claudia brought her tongue up her new master's cock along the underside of the shaft, then slipped her lips over the crown. Henry grunted as he felt her mouth envelope the end of his rod. She then began to nurture the head of his cock, cradling it between her tongue and the roof of her mouth.

Henry felt his balls already tingling in response to her efforts, but he didn't want the moment to end so quickly. "Stop!" he demanded.

Claudia froze, her eyes wide, her master's cock motionless between her lips.

"You call that sucking?" Henry roared. "That's pathetic. I'll die of old age before I cum if that's the best you can do. I guess if you want a job done right, you still have to do it yourself." With that, he doctor grasped the rear of Claudia's head with both hands and shoved his cock beyond her mouth and into her throat, triggering her gag reflex in a most audible fashion.

"That's right, Cunt!" Henry sneered. "If you can't suck a cock properly, you can at least choke on one properly." He paused for a moment, mesmerized by the sounds her throat involuntarily issued at the unfamiliar intrusion.

The doctor felt a surge of pity swell within him as he saw the discomfort registered in the woman's features. Reminding himself how she abhorred tenderness, he squelched his compassionate streak. "Hey Cunt!" he scolded. "I don't feel your tongue. If you want to serve me, you'll have to do much better than this!"

Claudia's eyes watered, but remained wide and bright as she began rubbing her tongue along the underside of the doctor's shaft. She continued to gaze longingly upward even as he continued to fuck her face. After less than a minute however Dr. Stuart felt his culmination once again begin to build. He released the grip on his patient's head.

"Now, Cunt," Henry instructed. "See if you can suck it right. You have two minutes to make me cum." He already knew it would take far less time than that.

Claudia resumed her efforts, once again caressing the crown of Henry's cock with her mouth, focusing on pleasing this most sensitive area. Her cheeks puffed, then shrank, in rapid succession as she drew upon her master's shaft.

"Yeah," Henry moaned. "Suck it good and hard, just like that. I'm about to give you a nice snack, but don't you dare eat it until I give you permission."

Claudia somehow managed a smile as her master's cock began to throb between her lips. Her eyelids fluttered and she emitted a low, "Mmmm," as the rhythmic streams of semen began to fill her mouth.

Henry looked down at the woman as she continued to suck, emitting sharp moans with each spurt, as if she was climaxing as well. "That's a good slut," he noted. "Oh, God, you are good. Keep it up, just like that."

Claudia did so, never releasing her master's cock or slowing her efforts. She allowed his slowly shrinking cock to slip from her lips only when he withdrew it. She continued to cast a yearning gaze up to her master, her cheeks puffed wide with the bounty they contained.

"Open wide," Henry demanded. "Show it to me."

Claudia threw her head back, laying it upon the doctor's black leather sofa. Her face pointed skyward, she proudly opened her mouth, exposing the creamy white substance that filled most of the interior.

"Swish it around with your tongue," Henry ordered. He smiled as he watched the woman comply. "Even you look good with a mouthful of sperm," he sneered. "But I think it's time for you to swallow. Do it. Eat my cum like a good little cunt."

Claudia closed her mouth and gulped. Her features were awash in contentment as the slimy substance began to slide down her throat, leaving but a sticky residue for her to savor. Henry looked into his patient's already wide eyes as they brightened still further at the exact moment her neck expanded, passing in one pulse what his cock had delivered in many. She then threw her mouth wide for his inspection, never breaking eye contact as she did so.
----

C) Lastly, there's a bit of Fanny-Hill type, over-the-top, "mannered' or "high-flown" writing. Maybe intended, but inevitably tending to self parody (or taking potshots at the male ego):

She continued to cast a yearning gaze up to her master, her cheeks puffed wide with the bounty they contained.

------
I say these various things not to make you doubt yourself. I mention them because, with your talent, they could be--or could have been-- easily remedied.

I hope you continue to explore kinky topics, and I'm sure you'll find more ways to 'heat up' the reader, even where the kink is not yours.

J.

PS. I just read a bit of your buttfuck story, and it seems much hotter and better executed. I shan't speculate here about the reasons for your uneven knowledge of kinks!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I’m overjoyed to see Penelope here, because I had the pleasure of reading this story a few days ago and left a comment, drawn to it by Carson Shepherd’s recommendation in the Author’s hangout of another of Penny’s stories, and I have to say that I think, for me, it’s one of the most erotic stories I’ve ever read on Literotica.

I’m really not into female degradation, in fact usually it makes me uncomfortable and I click out of there, but I thought the way her character was revealed in this piece was so skillfully done and so erotic in itself that I was right there with the shrink at the end, rooting for him, and rooting for her too to get what she wanted. I thought that Claudia had amazing depth and presence, and you made her character so believable and understandable to me that I could really empathize with her needs.

Well, maybe I shouldn't have said understandable, because she isn't, and that's what's so truly wonderful about this piece. I believe her, but I don't understand her, and the way I read it, Henry's in the same boat, and that what triggers his reaction to her. There is no understanding her. There's no curing her. All he can do is join her. That was beautiful.

As I said in my comment, the whole performance --her therapy with him -- was like an erotic striptease, where it’s her character she exposes and not just her body, and I was really impressed with the way you handled the interaction between the shrink and the patient. There’s a real give and take between them, and you managed to use that sparring and revelation to maintain tension throughout their interview. That business with him taking the couch at the start was brilliant: so shrinky and misguidedly hip, and so silly in light of what really happens.

The big strength of the story for me, though, was Claudia. she’s not your cliché submissive: she’s a real person. Most of the subs I run into in Lit stories are meek little things: human doormats with no personality: your standard Lit fuck-dummy. Claudia comes across as fully realized. She’s a very together young lady, able to give as good as she gets when she’s jousting with Henry, and even to stick it in his face a few times. She has self-worth and backbone, and that’s what makes her desire to be dominated and humiliated so compelling. She comes to see the shrink not because she’s disgusted with what she does, but because she thinks she should be disgusted. A very telling point.

There are some minor things I would quibble with. For instance, I wonder whether it’s really necessary to tell us that he prepared himself for their last session by reading and boning up on things (I wondered where he went to do his reading and what it was he read. Do you really need outside information to know how to treat someone like Claudia?) and there are a few times at the start of the story where you're justgetting your feet under you where you let us into her head. My own instincts are that you would have done better to let her own words and actions tell the story. That would put us more in Henry’s shoes and make her more of a mystery. It would make her revelations more compelling.

I also wonder at the summing up at the ending. Obviously you wanted to tell us something of what happened next, but I really don’t feel it’s necessary. The story’s really not about Claudia’s future. In fact, if a piece of fiction is always a story of how someone changes, then it’s really not about Claudia at all. It's Henry’s story, and Claudia’s just the agent of his change. She ends the story the same as she was at the start. He's the one who changes.

Okay, as to your specific questions: does the tease work? For me yes. It was the play of her outward appearance and personality against her lewd desires that generated the heat. Of course the idea of sitting and listening to an attractive woman tell you these wonderfully raunchy and obscene desires is erotic. How much sexier it is that she sits there dead-panned and tells them, though. Had she been moaning and writhing in the chair it wouldn't have been half as sexy.

Does the climax work? Again, for me yes. Though I must admit the face-slapping made me wince. That’s a bit too unsexual for me, about as sexy as a punch in the stomach.

Would it have been better in first person? In my opinion no. You would have lost the objectivity that made their interaction so fascinating, and we would have been beset by his thoughts and doubts and musings. No, third-person was the right choice.

Is the content too soft for BDSM? Well, it’s funny, but I really don’t think of this as a BDSM story. I think of it more as a character study. I guess that’s because the essentials of the BDSM relationship don’t really fall into place until the ending, and what they have at the end is hardly what you could call a relationship.

The barfing? Well... That might have been reaching a bit. I could have lived without that. Swallowing come is sexy, but that? Not for me.

Certainly the sex is BDSM, and aside from the face-slapping it wasn’t that rough. I didn't like the slapping. I could have gone for a little hair-pulling, but slapping is a bit too physical for me. Personally, I’m not into pain in my BDSM, and in fact I find pain anti-erotic. That’s a matter of my own taste, though.

Was the ending too happy? No, not in my opinion. As I said, I think the ending was kind of superfluous and I don;t think the story needed that kind of closure, but making the ending intentionally unhappy might have brought in a moralistic tone that would cheapen the whole story and make it too easy. Human feelings are complex and ambiguous, and I think readers should be mature enough to deal with the ambiguity and make of the story what they will.

There are a few off notes. I didn’t buy her compulsion to follow any order that was given to her. She obviously had more backbone than that. The order has to be of a sexual nature and plug into her own set of expectations for herself, but that’s a minor point.

But what off-notes there were, were offset by the really lovely details, like her relationship with her parents. Someone else would have had her being abused or mistreated by her parents, and that would have been so trite.

I’ve got to get to bed, so I’ll wind this up now. All in all, I really think this was a brilliant little piece.

I'll read the other reviews tomorrow and maybe I'll have more to say.

---dr.M.

 

[Pure]

mab, your review has many fine insights and will surely be appreciated.

 

[Penelope Street]

Indeed!

I appreciate both critiques, some keen insight in each. Fridays tend to be a busy day for me, but I'll try and steal an hour to respond.
Until then,

Take Care,
Penny

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It turns out that when I read Penny’s story, I was working on my own shrink/client story. In mine the shrink’s a hypnotherapist with a difficult patient who finally gets her hypnotized whereupon she blurts out that she’s a slut and needs to be punished, etc. etc. It was awfully similar to Penny’s, and so I read her story in a kind of competitive snit, but halfway down the first page she won me over, because her shrink-client relationship was so much more nuanced and interesting than mine, and her client was not the stock Literotica submissive (I’m afraid mine was). In mine, the shrink-client relationship was a gimmick. In hers it was the heart of the story.

Personally, I don’t think Henry the shrink was too vaguely realized. I think it’s important to the story that he be a kind of shallow, happy-talk therapist who probably deals with 95% of his clients by telling them they just have to learn to communicate more, or dishes out some sort of formulaic pop-psych pablum like that. In Claudia he comes up against the really hairy and scary unkown of the human psyche where the Wild Things Are, and he’s in over his head. I mean, let’s face it: in reality therapy can help, but I think it rarely “cures” anybody. Henry’s been coasting along in his practice, probably dealing with glum adolescents and bored housewives, and now he’s got the real thing in his office. He’s never dealt with anyone like Claudia, and he gets sucked in.

I suppose that’s why I didn’t like the part about him “reading up” on things before her last visit. The implication was that what he did with her was therapeutic in some way, that there’s some psychological literature on how to deal with hard-core sexual submission, and that’s just not the case. To me, he was just overwhelmed by her sexuality and helpless to resist her.

That’s why I also would have liked to have seen him as being not quite so proficient as a Dom. I think he should have been feeling his way more, driven by these new and confusing feelings of wanting to dominate her, but not quite sure of how to do it. He’d be on unfamiliar ground here, and actually he would be learning from Claudia.

In any case, from an authorial point of view, making him more of a personality would have involved a lot of description and analysis of his feelings, and that would have made for some very heavy going. I think it was better to leave him as a kind of foil.

I was kind of surprised that I liked the story so much myself too. I mean, it’s a very well-written story, of course, but I think it had some special appeal to me, because I was as much caught up in Henry’s fascination with the girl as he was, and I’m not sure what that says about me. I write a lot of BDSM, but my women are not extreme submissives like Claudia is. The extreme submissives I’ve seen in other stories pretty much turn me off with the things they do and the way they act. Claudia had backbone and character, which set her apart. I freely confess that she excited me. I guess when all is said and done, that’s what it came down to.

---dr.M.

 

[Pure]

IF he's simply a 'happy talk' shrink, how come he gets to
"Eat my jizz, cunt" in just a few weeks and in his first sexual session?

There has to be some 'evil' and agression in him, for the sequence to make sense. {Mab, you make essentially the same point in wondering about his domly 'proficiency.'}

Though her character is far more interesting than in many stories, the problem is that she appears to be trolling, and, if she wants therapy and isn't totally naive, why go to his house?{{Added: This is erroneous}} Is she really that troubled, or is she just one of those assertive 'submissives' on the make?

In both cases (second to a lesser extent) the author doesn't seem to have chosen/decided clearly what are the basic motives. Penny wrote the characters up well; the prose is her usual clear and vivid and dirty stuff, but IMO she hasn't 'lived with' at least one of the characters.

 

[CharleyH]

OK, not the story I thought, but I enjoyed the other, and will comment as soon as I read.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

IF he's simply a 'happy talk' shrink, how come he gets to
"Eat my jizz, cunt" in just a few weeks and in his first sexual session?

There has to be some 'evil' and agression in him, for the sequence to make sense. {Mab, you make essentially the same point in wondering about his domly 'proficiency.'}

Though her character is far more interesting than in many stories, the problem is that she appears to be trolling, and, if she wants therapy and isn't totally naive, why go to his house? Is she really that troubled, or is she just one of those assertive 'submissives' on the make?

In both cases (second to a lesser extent) the author doesn't seem to have chosen/decided clearly what are the basic motives. Penny wrote the characters up well; the prose is her usual clear and vivid and dirty stuff, but IMO she hasn't 'lived with' at least one of the characters.

Did she go to his house? When? On that Sunday? Maybe I missed that I thought they met in his office.

But yes, I agree. He becomes King Dom in no time at all, which struck a false note with me. I would have had him wildly excited but fumbling around as to what to do. I would maybe even have had Claudia show him how to treat her. That would have been sexy in itself, though it probably would have raised cries of "topping from the bottom" from the BDSM purists, who tend to be a very conservative lot overall.

--Zoot

 

[CharleyH]

Hey Penny. Two stories in one day, and both enjoyable. This may have been an edgier story than you have written, but I found it all rather light, and fun. There are reasons, and I will get to them in the course of answering your questions.

1) Does the protracted tease work?

Yes, I liked the build up, and the length. You have a very sly sense of humour, and I found myself chuckling at her matter of factness. That she called the receptionist by first name indicated to me that something was up, but at that point I did not know, and I was glad for it. Also the whole 100% cure rate, and certain session questions led me to believe these two knew eachother. Nonetheless the build up alotted me the time to get to know the characters, and I viewed the scene, as it played out, with much interest. As she recounted the things wrong in her previous marriages, I did feel that you were building the sexual tension, and the entrance of the bar guy was perfect timing in context . . . even if she may have been making it up.

2) Does the climactic scene work?

Based on the 'sessions' I think I would have gone edgier.

I was not surprised/blindsided by the twist because of subtle hints thru sessions, but if by climactic scene you mean sex? I felt that you were going to go edgier, particularly after the tale of the guy in the bar, and in this, I feel it did not work because she did not really get her deepest desires met.

3)Would the story have been better in the first person, as told by the doctor?

I liked the way you wrote the story.

4) Is the content too soft of otherwise inappropriate for the BDSM category?

No content is too soft for BDSM. Some like it that way, and others don't, however, I was disappointed in the way the sex played out in the end, but not because of my own desire for edgier, rather because of the former build up. You had taken her through a number of scenarios, abuse, convention, never to her satisfaction. The tale of the bar guy is where you really start to ramp up the bdsm, and it's where WHAT she desires really comes out. I would have expected a more edgier scene at the end, one that fulfilled all previous desires she recounts. This is her husband, who wants to cure her 100%, and I don't feel he performs up to par. He wants to make her happy, then he is going to have to go beyond the tales she told as far as I am concerned.

5) Is the ending too happy for a story like this?

I don't mind happy endings, and it suits the context of the story in my opinion. Here is a woman seeking happiness, never have to received it before. For her to receive it, no matter how edgy you could get, is the goal. If you had have left her, say with a ruined orgasm, I don't think it would have benefitted the story in any way. As I see the beginning, it would be impossible for them to not be married without changing the whole structure that you built. As it played out, it played to loving couple fantasy, and not to betrayal of trust etc. in dr/patient context . . . if that makes sense. (for whatever reason, I suddenly feel, just now, confused as to whether they married afterwards, or were already. Perhaps I read to fast. I will revisit because I am basing most of my comments on the fact that they are married).

There is another concern I have. You say they are a young couple, and so at times I felt as if the language in dialogue was a bit too 'old' if you will. They did not strike me as a young couple. A marijuana cigarette for example? My Gran might say that, but definately not anyone younger than 50 . . . or did I miss something? Hm. Well, I will read others responses and see what the discussion brings up for me.

I thoroughly enjoyed the story though.

 

[Pure]

mab, you're right, it wasn't his house. but the point holds, in that it's a non scheduled appt on Sunday at his office. i.e., his purpose is apparent.

i believe I may have made a mistake is suggesting the dr is transformed--that he becomes in your word, 'king dom.' upon re-reading, it's arguable that he's quite insecure: first, he has to research the situation, i.e., BDSM; second, his commands are standard, hence he might be taken to be playing a role; third: particularly at the end, rather than exulting, as a dom might, he on his knees sniffing pussy juice on the rug. (See how these works of real literature allow multiple interpretations!)


Did you note this odd progression, re how disturbed she is

Early:
"Not exactly," Claudia replied. "You see, I am attracted to men who abuse me, that much is true. But I actually enjoy being abused." She shook her head in a slow, wobbly motion. "I don't know what's wrong with me."
--------

Middle
The more she talked the more the good doctor was convinced the lady's troubles were deeper than he had ever imagined.
[unless this is tongue in cheek]
-----
end--few weeks later

"It's still your decision, not theirs. And everybody is occasionally wrong. You don't seem terribly unhappy with who you are."

"I'm not."

"Then why change at all?" Henry asked. "Have you ever considered simply accepting who you are?"

"Yes!" Claudia exclaimed. "I can accept it- but no one else seems willing to!"

----
on a lighter note

BUT, most important of all, could I just once, before I'm too wizened and bedridden, hear this from a woman acquaintance:

"When a man gives me direction ...and he sounds like he means it, well, I not only want to obey, I have to obey."

 

[CharleyH]

mab, you're right, it wasn't his house. but the point holds, in that it's a non scheduled appt on Sunday at his office. i.e., his purpose is apparent.

i believe I may have made a mistake is suggesting the dr is transformed--that he becomes in your word, 'king dom.' upon re-reading, it's arguable that he's quite insecure: first, he has to research the situation, i.e., BDSM; second, his commands are standard, hence he might be taken to be playing a role; third: particularly at the end, rather than exulting, as a dom might, he on his knees sniffing pussy juice on the rug. (See how these works of real literature allow multiple interpretations!)


Did you note this odd progression, re how disturbed she is

Early:
"Not exactly," Claudia replied. "You see, I am attracted to men who abuse me, that much is true. But I actually enjoy being abused." She shook her head in a slow, wobbly motion. "I don't know what's wrong with me."
--------

Middle
The more she talked the more the good doctor was convinced the lady's troubles were deeper than he had ever imagined.
[unless this is tongue in cheek]
-----
end--few weeks later

"It's still your decision, not theirs. And everybody is occasionally wrong. You don't seem terribly unhappy with who you are."

"I'm not."

"Then why change at all?" Henry asked. "Have you ever considered simply accepting who you are?"

"Yes!" Claudia exclaimed. "I can accept it- but no one else seems willing to!"

----
on a lighter note

BUT, most important of all, could I just once, before I'm too wizened and bedridden, hear this from a woman acquaintance:

"When a man gives me direction ...and he sounds like he means it, well, I not only want to obey, I have to obey."

OK you two are disturbing me. Was I influenced in reading Penny's other story first? Did I misread the ending completely? I will revisit, but one point, Pure:

The doc is NOT a Dom. He at no time is transformed, my reading of them being married, he wants to please. Even if not married, he wants to please her . . . I think he fails in both scenarios, though Penny writes he does not., as she (character) is pleased. I do not think he is insecure . . . he strikes me as just not having experience, and researches, so he does have some idea. However there is a lot more on internet than that. What I do agree with is that his demands are definately standard, and I feel that after what is recounted, his demands or commands in a semantic differance, should be harsher?

Yes? No? Penny?

 

[Penelope Street]

Wow! Thanks for not waiting for me. Really! I guess that qualifies as a discussion. Where to begin? I guess anywhere.

I meant to at least imply that the characters were thirtyish and that the story occurs in the late seventies. I intended little things like the clothing, furniture, and terminology to fit adults of that period. I meant for Claudia's use of the receptionist's first name to indicate she was more comfortable relating to others on a personal, rather than professional level.

I didn't intend Henry to be as thin as he turned out. Afterward I decided not to 'fix' this because I hoped male readers would just map themselves onto his blank form, if that makes sense? At least that's what I hoped would happen. I agree this is really Henry's story in that he is the character that changes. This is one reason I went back and forth wondering if he should have told the story. I loved Dr. M's ' happy-talk therapist' take on Henry- it was along the lines of what I had in mind, only better.

Even if it is Henry's story so far as who changes, Claudia was still supposed to be the star of the show. I always had in mind Claudia seduced Henry in the same manner I wanted her to seduce the reader. What I thought worked most was that she isn't some needy, even clingy, submissive. Her attitude is more than just "Oh, master, I need to please you." She expects, even demands, both love and acceptance; she's not out to please, she wants to be pleased- at least that's what I had in mind. As to why she has these yearnings, I don't know. Any submissive streak I have is related to my desire to please my partner. I meant for Claudia's submissiveness to be a desire unto itself.

Thus I confess I cannot relate to her mentality. I was flying without a license in that sense. Nor can I relate to Henry, aside from his desire to make her happy. This, I think, led to the lack of mental details Pure noted in the last scene. I liked the slapping bit, at least I liked it when I wrote it, because I thought Claudia wanted it. Perhaps I should have just had him offer her something like "the chair or the floor, which would you truly prefer?" and then have her eyes wander to the floor as she dropped to her knees. Better? Along the same lines, I didn't like him calling her 'Cunt' either, but I thought she might.

Regardless, I agree that this scene ought to have been longer and edgier, but I just wimped out. The dialogue scene with the bar guy was already pushing my limits. I guess I just wasn't willing to go farther than that. On the other hand, and I admit I just thought of this, would Henry have really been able to go farther the first time? He's already too much a super-dom as it is, right?

The happy ending was meant to imply that, even I if I was unwilling to go father, Henry was willing and did just that later, giving her exactly what she wanted. I always had in mind that the marriage occurred afterward, but if I accidentally left that issue open, then I consider it a fortunate oversight.

I agree with Dr. M. that Henry is too good at what he does too fast, even if he doesn't do as much as he ought to have. This is part of the reason I included his little study session, hoping the reader would buy that somehow he'd learned something. I laughed when Dr. M called my bluff regarding what type of studying one might do to learn how to treat someone like Claudia! A funny and accurate comment! So, yeah, the study session was meant to account for his metamorphosis. Ok. You caught me. In retrospect, I should have left out the studying and had him try and figure it out, maybe even have Claudia help him. That would have been more realistic, even if it violated some BDSM top-bottom thing I didn't even know about. For what it's worth, I think I did a better job with my next dom learning from the sub as he goes, but that is, both literally and figuratively, another story.

Pure; It was most helpful hearing from someone who did not experience the tale as I intended. I am so pleased you saw fit to trust me with the truth even where it wasn't flattering. Yes, I do tend to write in a grandiose style and maybe I should have been a little more down to earth in a story like this. If you chance to read my upcoming Poly Polly, please consider the style in that one, if not the content, and know that I am in your debt.

Dr. M; I am always in near awe at your work as a writer and I suppose it was a no-brainer that you'd be just as thorough a reader. That you zeroed in on that plot device studying session and Henry's related transition and the humor you put into the criticism, amazing. Forgive me if I am flattered that someone of such skill might have read my story in a competitive mood? That's a vision I find both masculine and, yes, sweet- especially that you shared it along with everything else. I hope the story of my next reluctant dom will be an improvement and that he won't morph into 'King Dom' when the plot calls for it.

Charley; Yet again you've shown that you lack nothing as a reader, least of all imagination. I will always envy your capacity to latch onto the little things that others overlook. Maybe I'm lazy, but the way your mind seizes details makes my brain look like a steel sieve. Your take on the finer points of any story will always be appreciated by any with the prudence to see your thoughts as the wisdom they truly are.

Did I miss something? Probably lots! But I don't think any of you missed a thing,

Thanks Bunches,
Penny

 

[jimhawkins]

This is my first attempt at a review here. The only other reviews I have done have been of my high school students. Please forgive any lapses or overly “teacher” style. I shall try to answer your questions and make some general comments.

1) Does the protracted tease work?

Yes, I didn’t twig to them knowing each other at all. Perhaps I should have because as others point out Claudia knew the receptionist. But against that was the professional manner which I know from talking to some professionals (I have a doctor cousin and a brother in law who is a lawyer) very hard to maintain with people you know well. The build up was good and as others comment the tension built up well. But on reflection was this her attempt to tell her husband what she wanted in her marriage? I find that a bit hard to grasp.

Or was this someone she knew and liked a lot but was not married to (which is how when I re read it particularly from the last sentence in the 3rd last paragraph and the last two paragraphs I think it was) and whom she was trying to tell her preferences? Perhaps this doubt could be cleared up. But perhaps also you would lose something.

2) Does the climactic scene work?

If you mean the twist to marriage yes but the question remains were they married did they know each other …but perhaps the twist would have been lost had you explained it earlier.
But try this as a rewrite of the penultimate paragraph

It was not the first time in her life that Claudia believed she had found the right man, but it was the first time she was correct. Dr. Stuart never did discover exactly why the woman he had been dating for a while before that Sunday and who a few months later he married enjoyed the things she did. But then, he really never cared to know the reason. He accepted this was the way that the woman he found right for him was.


3)Would the story have been better in the first person, as told by the doctor?

No.

4) Is the content too soft of otherwise inappropriate for the BDSM category?

No. But perhaps others are right when they say that the final scene needs to be a bit harder.

5) Is the ending too happy for a story like this?

It’s great. I liked it enormously but then I like happy endings. She got what she wanted and we all like to see people happy. “Happiness” doesn’t mean conventionally bright and cheery – Somerset Maugham concludes “The Razors Edge” (I think his best book) by saying that he has told a happy story for all the main characters got what they wanted …even though one of them had her throat cut for what she wanted was death. But this is a bright ending.

Finally a comment on the grammar and usage and on an improvement that I think could have been made

I have to disagree with Pure in her critique of your grammar. Sometimes (And here is one time) the use of the same subjects, same words builds a rhythm which carries the story along. It would not have been the same without it. This is more common in poetry but it works in prose read the Gettysburg Address and you will see what I mean where Lincoln ties his sentences tightly together by constant repetition (e g he used "dedicate" or "dedicated" in 5 of the 8 sentences in that short speech)

You may not be Father Abraham, I certainly am not. but the rhythm is built in what you repitition and builds the story.

The improvement is to clarify some where along the story how the relationship existed or began and how it is. My rewrite is not the best way and I am sure you would think of better ways but something I thought could have been done.

Once again forgive a rank beginner and I hope I said something useful

 

[Penelope Street]

Jim,

Forgive what? SDC is one of those places where intent is more important than content!

Thank you. And welcome.

I did not envision that the characters knew each other in any way before the first session. My thinking is that Claudia would not have to read the nameplate if she already knew the receptionist. I believe your suggested ending would have fit very well for that twist, but I did not mean to imply they were married before the story began. The piece where Claudia is revealed to be Mrs. Stuart was meant to indicate they had wed at some point after the psychiatric sessions, that she had become that 'dual wife' she refereed to earlier- proper in public, wanton in private. I never though of Henry as a true dom, only a person that fell for his patient and wanted to make her happy. In some way, I think this was what would have made Claudia the happiest; even if Henry isn't the best at being dominating, he does it for the best of reasons.

I am relieved most appear to think third person was the way to go. This was a bit of luck for me- if it had not been so much work, I think I might have changed it.

In regard to the style comment about the sentence structure: I do make some attempt to vary my sentence size and construct. I did not intentionally use similarly formatted sentences for any purpose. If they exist and work, it was my subconscious or dumb luck. That said, I am glad you found it appealing. Thank you.

I should not have been surprised to learn my sentence structure was a bit off. As a last edit before submission, my love and I most often go on Sunday drives. She drives while I read my latest story to her, editing as I go. Forcing myself to read the story aloud, I think, helps me avoid overusing words and accidentally falling into dull patterns. At least, that's my goal! Because my love does not care for this story, I never read this one aloud to anyone. Perhaps I should have at least read it to myself. I noticed later that some of the dialogue was interrupted by speaker tags in ways I think I would have caught, and altered, had I verbalized the text. I almost made this a question since the dialogue is so much a part of the story, but figured if it was that big of a deal someone would mention it, so maybe I'm just being my own worst critic.

Did I answer your questions in there somewhere?

Penny

 

[sack]

Hi Penny....

I noticed there are other responses on this thread about your story, so I purposefully haven't read them, as I don't want to be influenced in any way. (sorry if I repeat what others have said.)

My primary reaction to your story is that it works better as a fantasy than a real life scenario. Specific comments:

The buildup of the first two sessions is too long and flags horribly in the middle of the first page. Dialogue has always been your weakness, as you either make the characters talk like erudite college professors (Dancing With The Bride) or with a stilted, contrived manner, as in this story. In real life, people stammer, stutter, hesitate, burp, etc. Here, you have Henry and the protagonist speak perfectly, and for this reader at least, the dialogue was not convincing, not to mention downright boring in spots. But, as a FANTASY, the dialogue is fine...the characters say what most people would want them to say. So, the answer to your first question, did the slow tease work, is "no", at least not for me.

A major detraction from my enjoyment of this story is that Henry's character is not consistent. In the earlier sessions, he chooses his words carefully, in order to remain "professional" (your own words). Yet, in the final session he is unprofessional to the extreme, slapping her face and forcing her into oral sex. etc. This extraordinary Jekyll-Hyde transformation is jarring and again doesn't work as a real life story, unless the guy is bipolar or something. But, as a fantasy, it satisfies, as the reader knows the sex is coming, sooner or later.

And therin lies another fatal flaw to this story....it is far too predictable. I consider myself to be of average intelligence, but by the middle of the 1st page, had already predicted much of the second, except for the abrupt personality change of the doctor. So when the 2nd page finally came it was like, "yeah, so...." The happy ending, like most of your contrived dialogue, is simply too perfect and not believable at all. Everyone gets what they want and life is rosy and wonderful. Yet, as a fantasy, this is OK. People can be plastic and unplausible, and as long as the reader has a satisfying orgasm, who the hell cares?

So, of course I gave you a "5" and a nice PC....you are greater than 99% of the authors on Lit. after all. But with that greatness comes a responsibility, do you want to write a respectable "stroke story", or a believable "real life" story? As the former, this story delivers, but as the latter it disappoints. That's my opinion after two readings.

Best, Sack

 

[Penelope Street]

Sack,

With that greatness comes a responsibility, eh? Too ironic! I just saw "Spiderman 2". I cried, of course, I'm such a sap for sappy endings. Could you tell?

Thank you for taking the time to read my story twice and formulate such a precise critique. I used to worry about repeating other comments when I was a reviewer, but being on the receiving side I now look at the repetition as just another helpful facet of the discussion.

In the case of "Professional Help", I was trying to write a successful stroke story, nothing more. Even given that relatively modest goal, the result seems to be a tale that generates either a lot of steam or one big yawn.

Some of your comments were similar to others, such as Henry's transition being too abrupt. I did mean for him to change over the course of the story, but I also had in mind some of his behavior in the final scene was what amounts to an act for her benefit. I will concede he pulls this off far too easily to be believed.

At least one other reader noted that the story was predictable, but my suspicion it didn't really didn't surprise anyone. I know some must roll their eyes at my all-too-happy endings, but I love them. I might be able to write other endings, but I'm not sure I want to. That's part of the beauty of being an amateur isn't it?

I was surprised to learn you rated my dialogue as weak, not only here, but in other stories too. I always imagined I did a fair job in that department and on characterization as a whole. That said, readers have pointed out that my prose is often on the highbrow side and my characters speak in an overly educated fashion. I know that's not always realistic, but I guess it all comes down to a simple truth: Stupid people bore me, be they living, dead, or fictional. Thus, I'm not sure I care to create characters that converse with anything less than a modicum of erudition.

I'm glad you feel comfortable enough with me to point of what you see as the shortcomings in my work. I appreciate that you consider my work worth criticizing in the hopes that my future efforts will be even better. That is one goal we all share, no?

Thank you so much,
Penny

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I object!

First of, I was astonsihed that people thought that they were married or even knew each other beforehand, because if they did know each other, then it’s a radically different story. That shocked me, and I ran back to the story to see how I’d managed to miss that fact. But no, they very clearly were strangers at at the start.

I confess that I did miss the fact that they married at the end, and that’s probably because once I got the tone of the ending, I kind of skimmed it. I would have complained a bit more loudly about it had I seen that, because marriage does seem a bit contrived and implies the kind of deep change in Henry that would seem to require some explanation. My erroneous reading made me think that he kept on meeting her as a patient (or more accurately as a submissive sex partner.) Marriage is kind of a deus ex machina (or however you spell it); a happy ending from left field. And really, it’s not the fact that it’s a happy ending that’s bad. It’s that it’s a sentimental ending: it lets everyone off the hook with the sentimental message that love excuses all, and everyone lives happily ever after.

I also don’t think that Henry “changes” too much. In fact, I don’t see that he really changes at all. I don’t know how you turn gradually into a dom. Should he start wearing a leather tie or think about spanking her but not too hard? Claudia’s sexuality overwhelms him, and I think this is nicely portrayed in the story. The poor schmuck is in over his head. He’s probably never known passion and desire like this in his life and Claudia sets him aflame.

As for the sex scene, I was disappointed to learn that Penny thought he was doing this as a way of helping Claudia, as part of her therapy, and if that’s what you meant to imply, I think you failed. He is far too into it emotionally, and in my reading, his motivation is selfish and entirely carnal. Like one of those demonstrations of static electricity with the little hanging balls, the sexual charge on Claudia induces an equal and opposite charge in Henry, and he’s hooked. The shrink is shrunk. Objectivity and the whole idea of rational analysis goes out the window. And, I mean, if what is does is designed only for her benefit, why does he marry her at at the end? To continue her therapy?

Also, for those of you who wanted something more extreme, I’m curious as to what you would have liked to see? Because to me, Henry is a fumbling novice, and in my experiences in BDSM, the first time you Top someone there’s a hell of a lot of excitement and exercising pacing and self-control is a skill that doesn’t come overnight. For a vanilla intellectual to suddenly find he has absolute control over a beautiful submissive is a terribly intoxicating experience. Had Henry not been so emotionally involved, maybe he could have played with her more or been more extreme, but under the erotic pressure, I think a blow job was about all he could handle.

As to the language and technique of the piece, I confess my objectivity was compromised because I was so into it, so I didn’t notice a lot of issues of mechanics. I did notice that you have a tendency to get weird with your attributives. Forgive me for not retrieving some examples, but there were things on the order of “he remonstrated”, “she rejoined”, “he expostulated”. It’s just something you have to watch. Presumably you would have caight them on your mobile editing session.

Other than that, I didn’t find anything wrong with the dialogue. In fact, I was really impressed by it and thought it was just about perfect. People do stutter and stammer when they talk, but one of the most obvious facets of Claudia’s personality is her sense of control and the maddening objectivity with which she views her experiences. She’s educated, she’s articulate, and that’s expressed perfectly in the way she speaks. And shrinks usually seem to have a stock repetoire of responses to what a patient says. They rarely fumble with words when they talk, preferring to make clear, concise statements. It’s one of the subtle little ways they maintain their sense of authority.

I agree that the story was predictable, but this is Literotica, and it would be pretty weird if your two main characters didn’t end up in bed together. And as for predictability: a strip-tease is predictable, and so is a ballet or even a fuck scene. That doesn’t lessen our enjoyment of them. The pleasure in this story was not in what would happen, but how it would happen and what it would do to the people involved.

Finally, I have to say something about Penny’s writing “just a beat-off story” or however she put it. It shows you what can happen when a good author goes slumming: you get two very interesting people in a fascinating relationship in which the most erotic things happen not to their gonads but inside their heads. You get complexities of human behavior that defy easy and facile explanations. I think that Claudia’s going to stay with me for a long time.

---dr.M.

 

[sack]

Thanks, Dr. M. !!

For clarifying a lot of things I didn't have time to write. I too, did not catch they were married in the first reading...possibly because I didn't expect it. Or, was he married to somewhat else that didn't care? I was a little confused by this.....was the first page simply a flashback, or more of a "preparation" for the last page?

I still feel Henry's personality changes too abruptly. He is quite soft spoken, albeit direct in the first two sessions, then all of sudden is slapping her face and demanding she give him a blow job....that seems too startling a change to be really believable. (by the way, I didn't like the image of her slapping her face....MY problem!) You ask, could someone gradually change into a Dom, and my answer is "yes". But I don't think you would get this knowledge by reading up and doing research, and frankly I wish Penny had left that part out. I think Henry is a pretty good Dom, but I sense this role is uncomfortable for him deep down, he is just doing it to please Claudia.

As for the dialogue, Claudia is simply too perfect, she NEVER slips! She is after all, human, not a controlling sub. Well, I would hope to see some flashes of humanity here, to make her character more vulnerable and less of an Ice Queen.

Lastly, of course most Literotica stories end in sex, that isn't what I meant. I felt it was pretty obvious Henry was going to make her strip, order her around, etc. Penny could have put some interesting plot twists in, for example:

1. At the last minute, Claudia could have revealed a whip, and forced the doctor to strip....reverse dom/sub roles.

2. Claudia could have brought a male friend, who Henry would have also dominated, and made Claudia perform sex acts on him, or they BOTH could have performed sex acts on the doctor...that would have been hot!

3. It turns out that Claudia is really Claude, and the two men would have explored the crossdressing/sub fantasy in the final page.

Obviously, all of these comments are easy to say in hindsight. Let's not let this wonderful story get lost in the analysis. I know Penny likes feedback, that's why I'm being more thorough than usual here!

Sack

 

[Pure]

Great comments mab, for I too missed the marriage. Knowing it, I'd agree with Sack, it's a Hollywood add-on.

But I want to mention one issue that Penny and mab have touched on, that hasn't received much attention; it relates to the 'change in the Dr.' question. I sensed he was a bit 'playing a role' with stock commands. Penny says he was doing this 'play' partly for the lady's benefit.

Be that as it may, he's definitely getting a kick from it. But as mab said, the performance (in a neutral sense) is awfully good. Penny says she tried to solve the problem by having the Dr. do some research; read up on BDSM.
Visit Literotica?

The fast learning problem, alluded to by mab in regard to speed has another dimension: most DS or SM persons think of that as almost something you're born with; a long term leaning, one is often aware of from teen years.

Essentially what's portrayed is reading something, then acting it; like you'd read up on birdwatching, and go do it; or, intending to be a football fan, read up on football. IOW BDSM is shown as something extrinsic.

Consider a story about a person X who goes, more or less consciously into a homosexual encounter with a gay partner, on their first 'date' [arranged meeting, sex assumed likely to occur]. This being X's first such 'date.' S/he finds it suits some part of him- herself. And there's likely an awkwardness, even guilt.

But suppose a story had person X, encountering the gay person, learning a bit how a 'gay' lifestyle proceeds; then reading up on homosexuality to learn what to do on the date. ("What do they do?" "Does Tab A go into Slot B, or what?"). X proceeds with the date, doing what s/he's learned, and X indeed likes the experience.

Probably my point is reasonably clear, so I won't belabor it. But a story of DS or SM leanings, whether fantasy or not, has to deal with the intrinsic factor. For instance, there's not a single clue from the Dr's past about such leaning. If it's intrinsic, there'd have to be several inklings, even 'temptations.' In a word, where one is writing about a sexual way of life, or 'lifestyle' [as self labeled by those in it] or 'paraphilia', one does well to treat it as something NOT extrinsic, NOT learnable or researchable as if a new avocation or interest.

OR, putting it another way, if ftsoa, there were a sudden 'coming out', something 'out of the blue' as very occasionally happens (no prior history, waking up in bed with a partner of the same sex), it would likely blow the person away. It'd be one helluva shock, raising questions of 'Who am I?"

I'd hoped some other folks from the BDSM forum might visit; I speculate that this point would have been raised; hence this posting.
----

ps to mab as to:

but this is Literotica, and it would be pretty weird if your two main characters didn't end up in bed together.

But mab, in the kinky stories category, NOT ending in 'bed' is hardly uncommon, is it? Hence Ms. P has lots of latitude.

 

[Penelope Street]

My take on Henry goes something like this:

Initially, Claudia's just a patient to him with what he perceives to be an ordinary problem of XYZ syndrome or whatever. If my memory serves, the first clue Henry gets that she's not ordinary is in session two when she says something about not knowing why she liked her first husband since the man wasn't an ass until after she married him. She continues to deliver these hints in a matter-of-fact way until she describes that really gross scene with the guy from the bar.

When Claudia wets Henry's chair relating that event, I figured it doesn't take a Ph.D. to know she's actually excited by that stuff. That snaps if for Henry. He's already concluded she's comfortable with who she is, even if she doesn't understand it herself. He certainly doesn't understand her. Does he love her yet? Well, probably depends on your definition.

So Henry decides if that's what Claudia wants, he's going to try and give it to her. I had in mind he is basically a good person and not that he's taking advantage of her, at least from his point of view. That said, she has excited him beyond anything he's ever known before. And he believes there's no way an ordinary relationship will satisfy her; it didn't with husband #2.

Then, I as the author was left with the rather meek man who needed to be a dom in a hurry and didn't know how. So I invented this study session. Ok, corny plot device. A couple of you called me on it. Guilty. It would have been more realistic to have him wing it, have her realize he's doing just that, be grateful and help him along and help him along. In hindsight, that's a great idea, would have made for a much more complex and interesting scene. I just didn't think of it at the time I wrote the story.

So when Claudia shows up, Henry goes into dom mode. Now here is where I was winging it, in a way. I get the impression from all the slave girl scenarios that this is a common fantasy for men. If not, what the hell was Princess Leia doing chained to Jabba the Hutt? So I'm thinking Henry likes it too. A lot. Thus, while Henry is giving her what she wants, it's not a one way street, even if he's only giving it to her so he can get what he wants.

Afterward, where Henry sniffs the stain Claudia left in the carpet; forgive me if I really liked that part? My intent was to not only to confirm that she did get exactly what she wanted, but also that Henry reverted to his 'real' self as soon as the session was over.

As for the marriage. Ok. I like that too. I'm such a softy. I really did cry at the end of Spiderman 2. That's just who I am.

So that's what Henry was to me. All these different interpretations of Henry have made it clear that some vagueness can be good, allowing the character to become what the reader wants. I don't think it should ruin anyone else's Henry if he differs from mine. If I could plug a wire into my head and e-mail the reader a .jpg of how I pictured Claudia, would that invalidate their image of her? I think not.

Am I just giddy or has this been a great little discussion?

Take Care,
Penny

 

[sack]

You ARE giddy but...

It HAS been a fun discussion. And this just illustrates the strength of this story...it can take all this intense scrutiny!

I need to practice taking criticizm as well as dishing it out, so if you have the time, a SHORT story of mine, The Rainbow was posted today. I consider it overall to be my best work, but am interested in others' perceptions of the following:

1. Was it TOO short?
2. Did the supernatural/religious elements work within the context of the story or were they simply corny and trite?
3. Was the ending believable? Overly sentimental?
4. Did you have any idea, while reading early on in the story, how it was going to end?

Thanks for your time and being patient with my probing comments!

Sack