Grassroots Disc: MLyons, 11-14-04, SDC main queue

[MLyons]

Hello all.

I'm up this week. Pure asked me to post my own thread, due to his previous issues with formatting others' stories in the posts.

First, my goal: My primary goal for putting it on the chopping block here is to try to find ways to improve my future stories, and to refine my story-writing process. I'm offering you what I believe to be my best work. I'm putting it out here because I want to get better, and any and all suggestions, criticisms and comments that you might have are welcome. Please don't hold back, no matter how huge or nit-picky the issue might seem.

The story is long (just under 21,000) words, and I believe I will benefit the most if you have the time/interest to read the whole thing, but I realize that that is just not possible for some. I will therefore follow this post with a second one that has the first 4300 (ish) words of the story for those who don't want to trek all the way to the end.

Here is the link to the story in its entirety:

Goodbye, La La Land

It's a First Time story that is my attempt at capturing some of the awkward magic of two young, quirky and intelligent people discovering each other through a series of both planned and unplanned events. I hope that it also speaks of an "awakening" of sorts, and a number of themes are explored throughout, in what I hope is not an overtly blatant way. Of course, I also wanted it to be sexy.

Here are some questions to consider after reading it:

1.) What do you think of the characterization?

2.) Are there any parts of the story where I engaged in "telling" when I should have "shown"?

3.) How do you feel about the story's attempts at exploring theme? I tried to write this story so that it contained multiple, complex layers both in terms of interpersonal dynamics, sexuality, and grander ideas of what is real versus what is not? Did I succeed at all there? Was I too blatant? Too subtle? Just plain stupid?

4.) Is the story too introspective? Does it strike a good balance of action versus thought? What about detail and description versus forward movement? Any thoughts on this would greatly help me with my future work.

5.) One of my curses is an annoying habit for repetitive language and unnecessary phrases. I edit extensively to try to weed all that out of there. Did you find any?

Ok. I'll stop there. As always, any criticisms independent of these questions that you have would be quite welcome. The next post highlights the beginning of the story only, for those with limited time, and I'll ask a couple more pointed questions to do with only that section.

Thanks in advance for having a look and lending me your thoughts.

 

[MLyons]

This post contains the first 4300 words of the story, for those who don’t have the time or energy for the whole thing. Questions to consider for this section (please read the story first):

1.) What do you think of the characterization?

2.) I tried to create a natural feeling “mirror scene” that actively avoided cliché. Did I succeed? What did you think of it?

3.) What did you think of the very opening scene in the library? Was it interesting? Did it grab you, and prompt you to keep reading?

4.) Was Kathleen’s masturbation scene sexy?

5.) Any problems with telling versus showing, or excessive repetition in the language?

Any other thoughts or criticisms are welcome and encouraged. Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment.

--------------------------

GOODBYE, LA LA LAND (First 4300 words) by MLyons

"You know who I like?" said Brett. "That girl who wears those sleeveless sweaters. Wendy. God, it's like she was born to wear those things."

"Doesn't she seem kinda stuck up, though?" Gary said.

"Nah, I don't think so. Anyway, what if she was?" he grinned playfully. "I'd happily take the job of fixing her attitude. Who knows, maybe all she needs is a good licking." Brett stuck his tongue out, smiling.

"Oh, for the love of God." Gary rolled his eyes, knowing Brett was just making fun of him.

"No doubt, dude," said the one they called T. "But sweaters? Are you crazy? You ever been to a football game?"

"Football? Come on, gimmie a break, T.," said Brett.

"No seriously, dude. Who cares about sweaters? That cheerleader, Diane. What I wouldn't give to pull up that skirt, and dick her right under the fucking bleachers!"

"Would you guys please stop?" Gary laughed nervously--his face hot.

"What do you think, Jim?" said Brett, clearly enjoying how Gary squirmed at the way they were talking.

"Kelly Granger," nodded Jim, as if his mind was long made up.

"Fuckin' A!" T. agreed.

"I don't get you guys," said Brett. "What is it about her that everyone likes?"

"Tits, dude! What kind of stupid-ass question is that?" countered T. "Don't you want to just sit on top of her and squeeze those things around your--"

"Shhh. Jesus, T.," Gary whispered as the rest of the guys snickered around the table.

"You know the coolest part though," Jim ignored Gary. "She'd probably be totally up for it!"

"I know!" said T. "I'm tellin' ya--one of these days, dude! Did you see her the other day, wearing that tank top and those shorts? Shit, man!"

"What, do you think I'm blind?" said Jim. "Her locker's right next to mine, dude."

"Alright, so Gary." said T. rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "Who would you like to fuck?"

"I can't believe you guys." Gary shook his head.

"Oh come on, lighten up, Gar," said T.

"You know who Gary likes?" said Brett excitedly.

"No." Gary looked threateningly at a smiling Brett. "No! Don't, man."

"Oh, come on. This is great. You know who he thinks is cute? That girl, Kathleen."

The others stared at him blankly while Gary looked around and felt anxious perspiration forming on his forehead. He reached out to touch Brett's arm in an attempt to get him to stop.

"She's in Polson's English class. Dark hair, kinda plain lookin', sits in the corner, you know?"

"You don't mean that really short girl?" Jim asked.

"Right, right!"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait." T. held up his hands and stopped everything. "Why haven't I heard about this? You think that girl is hot?"

Gary shifted in his chair, uncomfortable that Kathleen was being brought up in this conversation. "I don't know. I like her smile," Gary said, his voice impatient with embarrassment.

"She's a bean-pole, dude!" blurted T., followed by another round of hushed laughter.

"How would you know with those giant grandma sweaters she wears?" joked Brett. He looked over at his friend's red face and saw how upset he was. "He's kinda got a point about her smile, though."

"I'd like to see her with her hair down, actually." Jim affirmed.

"You got a sweater fetish, or something, Brett? And you." T. knocked Jim's shoulder. "You and chicks' hair, man. I swear to God. Are you guys all on crack? She's just so. . . I don't know. Blah."

"No," Gary said, shaking his head. "I don't think she's 'blah' at all." His spare, matter-of-fact way of speaking always had a way of making his friends listen. "I kinda like the way she looks. You know?"

"No, dude," said T. "I don't know. Totally unfuckable, man."

"Not to me." Gary's quietly sincere admission penetrated their flippancy like a silent arrow, and a hush settled over the table.

"Hm." said Jim.

"That's cool," said T. "Hey, you should ask her out."

They all looked with unspoken hopefulness at their shy friend.

"No, no," said Gary quietly. "Come on, let's just. . ." He waved his arms in circles in front of him, indicating the pile of books on the table. "You know."

"Gentlemen," said Mr. Sark, the librarian, who seemed to enjoy patrolling the back corners of his domain in search of mischief. "You boys are in here to study aren't you?" he groused, shaking his head almost humorously. "Come on, now. Let's get back to work."

The boys hushed quickly, when a sudden loud bump interrupted them. The vibrations traveled through the wood of their built in seats. It seemed to come from the other side of the study partition they were all huddled in.

"What the hell was that?" T. stood up and looked on the other side of the half wall. "Hm. Weird." He surveyed the area quizzically.

"What was it?" asked Brett.

"I don't know; nothin' I guess." T. sat back down. "One of you guys fuckin' with me?"

Jim raised his eyes in a spooky searching motion and wiggled his fingers, "Woo Ooo Ooo." They all laughed. "So who are you inviting to your Halloween party, T.?"

"Well, not you, smart ass!"

<center>* * * * * * * * *</center>

"Ouch," whispered Kathleen, rubbing her sore shoulder, now safely out of sight in the opposite corner of the library. A stupid, inexplicable panic had prompted her to jump out of that booth as soon as possible, and now her shoulder was paying the price. She felt like an idiot. Still, she was grateful that she had been able to slip behind one of the nearby bookshelves before that T. guy saw her.

Kathleen loved listening to guy talk, and opportunities like that were rare. She still couldn't believe they were talking about her. Gary? Gary Bennett? He was in her Chemistry class, but she remembered him from a few classes she had shared with him over the last couple years. She couldn't understand it. Gary had always seemed so stand off-ish to her. He usually talked in grunts to everyone but his friends, and he hardly ever made eye contact with anyone. Her practical side scoffed at the rising feelings of giddiness in her stomach. As much as his words stung, Kathleen was more inclined to believe T.

Even so, their dirty talk had turned her on. She couldn't help it. She was strangely anxious to get a good, fresh look at Gary when she got the chance. The voice she'd heard on the other side of the wall had seemed so sincere. She blushed to herself, embarrassed at her chronic, overactive imaginings of what could be.

- - - -

Kathleen evaluated herself in the full-length mirror on the bathroom door. T. had it right, she thought. "Blah" was a pretty dead-on description. She sighed and turned sideways, seeing her dark hair trickle in strands behind her shoulders. She could barely make out that she had breasts at all underneath her oversized t-shirt and the thick cardigan sweater she wore over it. Her butt was similarly nonexistent underneath the loose jeans that lay in bunched folds down her legs.

She leaned toward the mirror to try to get a fresh look at her face, and grimaced at that stupid freckle on her cheek. With an optimistic impulse, she tried out a smile, and was immediately sorry she did. She looked like she did in the family pictures--as if being forced to smile at a live cat-skinning--and just shook her head, groaning. She even tried pretending she was laughing at something, and then had to look away to prevent having to see her face turn red on top of it all. It was awful. She somehow felt less hideous without the smile. What was that Gary guy thinking?

Maybe they knew somehow that she was listening, and were just playing games with her. Still, that crew could be annoying, but they never had the reputation of being malicious. It was a small high school, and those guys were almost inseparable, especially Gary and T. Two more opposite people she couldn't think of, and yet their friendship was obvious. She wondered what it would be like to have friends like that.

She stood silently, still in conflict with her imagination between what was and what could be. Her practicality surrendered with a resigned exhale, as she removed her sweater and unbuttoned her jeans. She bent over, her hair slipping off her shoulder and behind her head as she turned to watch the denim slide down her legs on to the bathroom floor. She stepped out of them, and turned to face herself in the mirror, noticing how her white panties peeked out underneath the hem of her baggy t-shirt. She crooked her head inquisitively, trying to see herself through Gary's eyes.

Pressing on, she lifted her T-shirt up across her flat tummy and over her head, tossing it onto the floor with her jeans. They had mentioned Kelly Granger. Kathleen was so far the opposite of Kelly that the comparison prompted a hopeless chuckle at the image in the mirror. She wished she were more like her. Kelly had boobs that turned heads, an ass that no one could ignore, and on top of it all, she had a kind of sexy confidence that Kathleen really admired.

What if Gary looked at her the way the rest of the guys looked at Kelly. Was that even possible? The mere fantasy of such a thing made her shoulders shrug in a shiver of excitement. Her mind was playing games with her again. For a moment, she ignored those ugly taunts of self-consciousness and wrapped her hands back to unhook her bra, pretending she was stripping for a phantom, entranced Gary. She pretended she was the sexiest girl in the world, trying to mimic the look of the models she'd seen in her sister's fashion magazines. Her face turned a hot red as she slipped the bra strap off her arm and pulled the garment away from her breasts. No matter how wild her imagination, they just couldn't play the part, and she finally dropped her bra, along with her stupid delusion, onto the floor.

After a silent moment, feeling her skin exposed to the cool, still air of the bathroom, her thoughts of inadequacy slowly succumbed to her more overpowering instincts. Her fingers automatically took their place on her nipples. Although still technically a virgin, she was brought up not to be ashamed of sex. She had stimulated herself to orgasm so many times that her routine was second nature. Her hair tickled across her shoulder, as her nipples slid into the sharp curves separating her fingers. She pinched them lightly, and rubbed them until they were little peaks poking out toward the mirror.

Her hands slipped along her thin waist and her thumbs hooked around the waistband of her panties, finally sliding them down and letting them drop around her ankles. She stepped out of them, and brushed her hair away from her face.

Now finally naked in front of the mirror, she felt so insignificant, so little--like she was the runt of the litter. The tiny freckles on her forearms, the bruise she'd gotten the other day on the inside of her calf from that damn kitchen chair, her plain face, and her small boobs--they all just seemed the antithesis to what guys wanted. Her sister was so gorgeous; she sometimes wished she had been born with one tenth her looks. Thank God her body's reflection had nothing to do with how good it could feel. She was a sexual creature, and she knew it--probably more so than most girls her age--even those that actually had sex.

She glanced at the tiny patch of hair that remained between her legs. She bit her lip, pretending once again that Gary was looking at it. A lot of guys apparently liked girls who shaved. Ever since she'd tried out her sister's vibrator--one of the more embarrassing private moments of her life--she had started down an ever-widening road of experimentation. The silver dildo, which after some persistence and a little pain had given her the best orgasm of her life, was only the beginning. Kathleen had a love-hate relationship with her sexual imagination, which seemed boundless, and she had given shaving a try in hopes that that it might further increase her sensitivity to the toy. She was right. She suspected she was a bit of a masturbation junkie, and even now, a familiar ache grew inside her pussy.

She became steadily aware of her breathing, and let her fingers slip down and tickle the tiny curls above her clit. She pretended to look into the eyes of the phantom guy who was watching her--trying again to believe that she was turning him on, this time because of the way she felt, rather than the way she looked.

A shaky sigh escaped her lips as she marveled at how intense her eyes looked. Her finger started to instinctively slide lower just as she had a tantalizing thought. She sucked her lips inside her teeth and bit down, listening for any commotion outside the bathroom. As far as she knew, her mom was still making dinner, and her dad hadn't arrived home yet. A fresh surge of excitement rushed through her body at the idea of watching herself cum in the mirror.

Kathleen awkwardly bent her legs and rested her bottom on the tile in front of the door. She felt a strange, exciting rush as she spread her thighs for the mirror, and reached her arm behind her to support her body. Her pussy lips reflected back at her--exposed and vulnerable below her tiny patch of dark hair.

Her breathing shortened even more in her growing urgency. She leaned forward and spread herself open with one hand as the other finally teased along the nub of her pleading clit. God, it felt good--blatantly showing off her most private parts to her imaginary voyeur.

Her fingers played along the outer lips of her pussy, feeling her slick warmth starting to seep out from inside. Her toes stretched apart and dug into the cold tile. Her unsteady knees shivered in response to the taut muscles in her thighs while her finger tortured her impossibly sensitive clit.

"Ohh." Her eyes closed instinctively. "Wait wait," she whispered--reminding herself to be patient.

Her eyes flung open with renewed purpose. Her breath whisked in through her teeth as she urgently slid her feet toward her and rested her weight on them, lifting her bottom and squatting on the floor. Her hair lay along one ear down the front of her shoulder as she looked into her own brown eyes as if they were Gary's, and stuffed a finger inside herself.

"Oh, my God."

Her spread legs almost buckled underneath her, reacting to her ravenous pussy's acceptance of her impatient fingers. She looked at her stretched lips, now wrapped tightly around two of her knuckles. She flexed her fingertips and pushed against the soaked inner walls, wrapping them up underneath her pubis. It created a wet, slurping sound that reverberated within her confined space between the bathroom counter and the wall next to her.

"Ohh."

She basked in her body's blatant, unashamed reaction to the stimulation. When she withdrew her fingers, they glistened with her juice under the intensely focused parabolic light recessed into the bathroom ceiling, and she raised them to her face, smelling the deep musk of her own cunt. She touched her fingertip along the bottom ridge of her nose, wiping a tiny bit of her pussy's lubricant against it. She breathed it deeply, and the unapologetic sexual aroma seemed to travel directly into her fantasies. She wondered hungrily what Gary might smell like.

She needed to cum. Her hands went to work in earnest on her demanding cunt. She became aware of the thin layer of sweat that was covering her body when she noticed the strands of her mussed hair sticking to her forehead in the mirror.

"You want me to cum, Gary?" she whispered to herself, feeling her face burn with embarrassed excitement even as she said the words. Her thighs started to shiver and weaken. Images of him entered her mind, and her sex clouded imagination revealed him in a way she'd never thought of before.

She wondered at the mystery behind his deep-set green eyes, and she imagined what his hands might feel like if they touched her. Would his tongue feel cold on her nipples? Would she be able to feel his cock throbbing with blood as he pumped it in and out of her soaked pussy? Would he pull out and squirt on her tummy if she asked him to? What would his cum smell like? God, what would it taste like? She wished she could try it all.

Her mind flooded with lusciously dirty images, and her fingers fucked against the soft flesh inside her cunt. Her legs strained to keep her small body upright, and she pretended she was doing it for Gary's benefit--to get him off. In her own way, she was making herself work for it.

She stifled a moan that just ached to escape her lips. She felt a tear roll down her cheek, and her voice cracked toward the mirror timidly--intensely quiet, "Ohhh, Guuhhod. Just watch. Just be quiet and w-w-watch."

The inevitable buzzing of her building orgasm rose from her lower thighs. It crackled inside her like a disappearing fuse as she fingered her clit deliberately, and without patience. Her upper arm brushed against her nipple. Her other hand grabbed the bathroom counter to steady her shaky body. She gasped in breaths of air, blinking in blurry determination to keep her eyes open--fighting not to scream out.

Finally, the torrent of release washed over her like a violent ocean wave. Her self-conscious feelings had long since melted away as she struggled to focus on her sweaty, pleasure racked body in the mirror. Her reflection and the arousal in her eyes at that moment, in contrast to the plain, tiny girl she'd seen earlier, was something she found inexplicably sexy--even beautiful.

"Ooohh. Oh." Her violent, shaky whispers escaped her parted lips as she looked through the mirror into her glazed eyes. In her blurry haze of lost awareness, her body almost toppled and she had to reach her arm back to catch herself from falling. Her bottom rested on the floor, and she let her legs relax against the seams in the door leaking light from the hallway outside the bathroom.

Once again, she evaluated herself, wondering what it would be like to look through her imaginary lover's eyes at that moment--beautifully oversexed, naked, exposed. Her soaked pussy had that insatiable look of impermanent satisfaction, and a thin sheen of perspiration reflected off her small breasts.

She shrugged her shoulders--breaking her fantasy with a sort of "I am what I am" embarrassment--and breathed in the intoxicating mixture of scents her body had just created. As the last remnants of her beautiful orgasm faded into memory, she suddenly caught a glimpse of that genuine smile she'd tried so hard to reproduce earlier.

She wondered bashfully whether Gary would've liked it.

<center>~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~</center>

"So, wait. Explain your fucked up theory to me again."

"They aren't theories, T. They're observations." Gary said with a sly grin, convinced that his best friend just deliberately refused to understand them. "Which one?"

"The women thing."

Gary rolled his eyes with a smirk. It figured. He unwrapped his sandwich and pulled the apple out of his lunch bag, pursing his lips as if T. wasn't worthy of yet another explanation.

"Come on, freak, just tell me," said T., his voice rising above the lunchroom din.

"Okay, but are you listening this time?"

"Don't make me come over there and kick your ass."

"Ooo, All the way over here? Alright, the basic premise is that both men and women exist in two worlds simultaneously. One world is called 'La La Land' and the other is called 'Real Life'. You--you live in 'La La Land' most of the time." Gary smiled.

"Hardy har har."

"They're both pretty self explanatory. 'La La Land' is a magical place populated with pop stars, actresses, and models. It's total fantasy--all based on image. 'Real Life' is, well, real life."

"Uh-huh, alright."

"Anyway, in both 'La La Land' and 'Real Life', women can be broken down into two separate categories: 'Obtainable Women' and 'Unobtainable Women', although most of 'La La Land''s population is 'Unobtainable'."

"Okay, so who in 'La La Land' is 'Obtainable'?"

"I can't think of anyone, actually. I'm just hedging my bets there." Gary smirked.

"Dude, you're so fuckin' crazy analytical. Okay, just tell me, who do you consider an 'Obtainable Woman' in 'Real Life'?" T. mocked Gary by using his fingers to put virtual air-quotes around all Gary's terms.

Gary felt that tinge of frustrating excitement at the question. It always seemed to be a special kind of torture talking about girls in 'Real Life'. Whenever he tried to actually talk to them instead, he was usually a miserable, awkward failure. With a couple gut wrenching "let's be friends" talks resulting from his only attempts to alter the trend, he had almost convinced himself that 'La La Land's' slick promise of happiness was a sham. Admitting to his friends that he liked anyone simply made his inevitable failure that much more painful. He knew where his best friend's questions were leading. Why the fuck had he said anything to Brett about Kathleen in the first place? He'd harbored a growing infatuation for her since the beginning of the semester. He wished he had more control over these things. He wished he could just ignore it.

"I don’t know," he said finally.

"Yes you do. What about that girl? Kathleen? Why didn't you tell me you liked her, dude?"

"I don't know. What does it matter? I don't know her. How can I even really like her?"

"You tell me."

Gary sighed, frustrated that T. wasn't going to let him off the hook. "I don't know. Have you ever just watched her?"

T. smirked.

"Of course you haven't. I love the way she looks at people. It's so cool. She just seems so happy just to sit there and watch everyone--doodling or something in her notebook."

"Doodling?" T. looked sideways at Gary.

"Yeah, well I guess that's what she's doing." He sighed, knowing he wasn't being very convincing. "I can't explain it. I love how her jeans are way too big for her legs, and the way she pulls up the sleeves of her sweater. And then. . ."

"What?"

T. wasn't going to get this. "Well--she takes off her shoes."

T. raised his eyebrows and crooked his head as if Gary was on crack.

Gary shrugged. "I don't know. She takes them off and then plays with them with her feet. I don't even know if she realizes it." Gary didn't know why it fascinated him so much. It was--sexy. She was sexy. He shrugged helplessly and let himself smile. "I just think she's cool, that's all."

"Hm."

"Eh. What's the difference? Nothing's ever going to happen."

T. grinned faintly at his friend, and as if blurting out the inevitable, "You really need to get laid, you know that?"

"Shhh, T. Jesus." Sometimes Gary still couldn't believe T.'s bluntness. "Man, no one's going to 'lay' me. You'll think it's stupid, but at this point I just think it would be cool to hold a girl's hand, you know?"

"You're right. I do think it's stupid." T. smiled mockingly. "Sex isn't like it is in the movies, Gar. You need to get over it."

"Yeah," Gary sighed ironically. "I can imagine. That's why the movies are called 'La La Land'. Remember that porno you made me watch last year? That's an hour and a half I'll never get back again--thanks a lot."

T. grinned proudly as he aggressively chewed on his food.

Gary lowered his voice. "That's the perfect example, actually. Some gorgeous girl, screaming her way through ten orgasms while the ugly old geezer just uses her any way he wants. On the surface, it's total 'La La Land' bullshit--totally for men. Underneath, though, it's just so sad. She's acting, T. Hell, she's hating it. I mean, God. Tell me there's more to it than that." He shook his head back and forth. "Sex in 'Real Life'--I just can't imagine what it would be like." He threw his hands up. "I have no idea."

"That's exactly why you need to get laid." T. chuckled. "It's just sex, dude. Trust me, you just need to relax. Look, obviously porn isn't real, but if you're thinkin' that women don't enjoy sex, you're living in the stone ages."

"It's not that. I mean, I know women enjoy sex. It's just that. . . I can't imagine them enjoying it with me. I just don't want to be the old geezer. You know what I mean?

T. pursed his lips and furrowed his brow as if Gary was a perpetually unsolvable riddle. He crooked his head in an impatiently empathetic expression. "Why don't you just ask her out?"

Gary's stomach leapt at just the thought of it, but he knew that feeling all too well. He'd tasted disappointment too many times. "I hardly even know her, man. I can't just ask someone out I don't know."

"I could invite her to the party. You can dress up and pretend you're not such a freak for once."

"You do and I'll kick your ass. I can take care of myself, man."

T. shook his head in exasperation. "'Unobtainable' then, eh?"

Gary nodded with half a smile. "Exactly."

- - - -

 

[TheEarl]

MLyons - will return with a critique. Time is against me tonight, but I shall be back at some point, so don't think I'm being a nasty sod and ignoring you.

The Earl

 

[MLyons]

Thanks, 'Earl. I'll be looking forward to it!

No hurry. I know that critiquing is a bit of a commitment.

 

[BlackShanglan]

MLyons -

Of course I have already read the story in draft, but I wanted to chip in on the SDC as well and give you more feedback. Since I have already done the draft commenting, I will try, for once in my life, to be brief

1.) What do you think of the characterization?

I think it's much improved from draft. I felt more sympathy for Gary and he came across with more depth to him. Kathleen seemed more rounded as a person as well, and I had a better sense of why these two characters were attracted to each other.


2.) Are there any parts of the story where I engaged in "telling" when I should have "shown"?

I did not see any that struck me. On the whole I think you've done well here in grounding emotions and reactions in concrete detail and reality.

3.) How do you feel about the story's attempts at exploring theme? I tried to write this story so that it contained multiple, complex layers both in terms of interpersonal dynamics, sexuality, and grander ideas of what is real versus what is not? Did I succeed at all there? Was I too blatant? Too subtle? Just plain stupid?

There are times when I still feel that Gary's neofeminism is transmitted a bit too heavily and internally focused, but I think it's come on a great deal from draft and it may be that I notice what remains more than I would if I had not seen the earlier work. I do very much like the reality/fantasy conflict and the multiple, conflicting, and confusing ideas of what sex is as represented by the world around the central characters. I think that you handled that very well. It's true that this doesn't create a particularly joyful tale - that is, there isn't a real sunburst moment of erotic pleasure in this, for me - but I think that that is in keeping with your theme. There is a sadness to the ending, but I think the appropriate sweet sadness of the end of childhood - not just in the sexual sense, but with graduation, etc. I was actually a little sorry to see that you'd cut back that theme about moving on from high school, but I do understand why you did it.

4.) Is the story too introspective? Does it strike a good balance of action versus thought? What about detail and description versus forward movement? Any thoughts on this would greatly help me with my future work.

I don't see the story itself as introspective so much as I see it being written about an introspective person. That is, Gary seems to live heavily in his own thoughts and his own imagining and re-imagining of his own actions and motivations. That said ... he's a realistic and interesting character, and I think that your writing conveys his nature and ideology well. At times I felt that his quirky internal nature got a little heavy, but then that is part of his charm as well. On the whole I think he works. I got a bit less of a sense of Kathleen; I know that we get her POV, but I see this story as mostly about Gary. I don't necessarily think that that is a problem in any way - just explaining why I am focusing on Gary.

5.) One of my curses is an annoying habit for repetitive language and unnecessary phrases. I edit extensively to try to weed all that out of there. Did you find any?

Did not see any. Looked fine to me.

Again, lovely work with a good power of emotional depth. I really enoyed the ending and I liked the way you tackled a topic that most authors on Lit seem to shy away from meeting directly: what does sex mean?

Shanglan

 

[Penelope Street]

Overall, great story

Mlyons,

I think your story is a real winner. About the only gripe I might have is that the flow is a bit sluggish, and I enjoy slow stories. That said, the characters are so strong and the scenes so real that reading it was still a treasure.

1.) What do you think of the characterization?

As I said, strong. So believable it was easy to bond with and feel for both of them.
Some of the names though, could have been better; Kelly and Kathleen? Too close. This really confuses a few people and it's so easy to avoid. And T.? Yeah, I'm sure there are boys who go by such monikers, but made for an awkward read at times.

2.) Are there any parts of the story where I engaged in "telling" when I should have "shown"?

Nothing comes to mind. A few times I did think, "Yeah, yeah, get on with it," but nothing major.

3.) How do you feel about the story's attempts at exploring theme? I tried to write this story so that it contained multiple, complex layers both in terms of interpersonal dynamics, sexuality, and grander ideas of what is real versus what is not? Did I succeed at all there? Was I too blatant? Too subtle? Just plain stupid?

Mulitple complex layers? Maybe I'm too just plain stupid to understand complex layers in stories or questions. I thought the characters and scenes were well enough written that I actually cringed at points when I shared the character's angst. What more can you want? The final scene was awkward and not terribly romantic, yet still sweet- appropriate on all three counts.

4.) Is the story too introspective? Does it strike a good balance of action versus thought? What about detail and description versus forward movement? Any thoughts on this would greatly help me with my future work.

I thought the forward movement was a bit lethargic at times with too many unimportant details; but this is still better than too fast- after all I can always skim if I get bored.

5.) One of my curses is an annoying habit for repetitive language and unnecessary phrases. I edit extensively to try to weed all that out of there. Did you find any?

Only one sentence jumped out at me as unnecessary as I read it. "She needed to cum." -during the mirror scene. I thought her state of arousal was obvious at that point. There may have been a few others, but nothing major and nothing that comes to mind after the fact.
Any minor flaws in this department are more than offset by beautiful moments like these:
> What if Gary looked at her the way the rest of the guys looked at Kelly.
Wonderful musing. Was the lack of a question mark intentional?
> "Just make sure that you go after what you want, not just what you can get"
Perfect advice from a big sister! Where was my sister when I needed that?
> "No matter what you do, you're going to make me feel good."
Conveyed the truth, the magic, and the mystery of the moment.
> "This is amazing too."
> "Yeah."
Now that was just too tender, yet still true. Thanks.

1.) What do you think of the characterization?

Ok, a few more thoughts on the characters: During the mirror scene we learn
> Although still technically a virgin, [Kathleen] was brought up not to be ashamed of sex.
I'd like to know just a little more about how she was brought up. Even if I don't learn until later, I'm still curious exactly what the relationship was between Kathleen and her parents. Given all the time devoted to goofy food groups, I think a few sentences or a paragraph on Kathleen's upbringing would have been well spent.
I also liked that both main characters were ordinary (even blah) in their appraisal of their own appearance.

2.) I tried to create a natural feeling mirror scene that actively avoided cliché.
Did I succeed? What did you think of it?

First thing I thought was, "Ok, here's the mirror scene." But, hey, we all use that scene, right?
As such scenes go, this one was superb, served its purpose and then some.

3.) What did you think of the very opening scene in the library? Was it interesting? Did it grab you, and prompt you to keep reading?

I thought there were too many characters and the scene too 'big'. Would have worked better for me if just the two best friends had been chatting somewhere. Still served its purpose though.

4.) Was Kathleen's masturbation scene sexy?

For me, very. As masturbation scenes rate, that was an A+. Hotter than the 'real' sex scene later.


Overall, great story.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[MLyons]

BS--

Thanks so much for not only your reactions here, but for your early feedback on the story while it was in progress. It was invaluable.

There are times when I still feel that Gary's neofeminism is transmitted a bit too heavily and internally focused, but I think it's come on a great deal from draft and it may be that I notice what remains more than I would if I had not seen the earlier work.

::sigh:: Yes, and you are not the only one who had some trouble with Gary's "wussiness", as it might be described. I struggled with this, perhaps more than any other single element of the story. Varian can attest to that, I'm afraid. Perhaps I still made some wrong choices there, but I was afraid that Gary might become a little too "ideal" for my liking if I didn't leave some of his insecurities in there. There is no doubt some way I could have gotten rid of a bit more of his internalization without losing that quirkiness. I will definitely try to pay careful attention to this in the future. To a certain degree, this particular story is very personal, but I'm also aware that personal experience does not always make for the best stories, so perhaps I clung a bit too close to my perception of "reality" in Gary's case.

I do very much like the reality/fantasy conflict and the multiple, conflicting, and confusing ideas of what sex is as represented by the world around the central characters. I think that you handled that very well.

I'm so glad that all that came across. The converging themes, which judging by some others reactions, didn't come across for everyone, was also one of the major points of the story that I worked and reworked until I couldn't stand it anymore.

It's true that this doesn't create a particularly joyful tale - that is, there isn't a real sunburst moment of erotic pleasure in this, for me - but I think that that is in keeping with your theme. There is a sadness to the ending, but I think the appropriate sweet sadness of the end of childhood - not just in the sexual sense, but with graduation, etc.

You know... another question that I'd be particularly intrigued to hear the answer to from multiple readers is this:

Based on the ending of the story, what do you envision happening to Gary and Kathleen? This isn't a question of "Where would you want the story to go if I were to write a sequel?" which I have no intention of doing, but more a question of... what do you think happens after the story is over? I'd love to know what people think. Already, I think my vision of it differs from Blackshanglan's, and perhaps from Penelope's as well, and that just fascinates me. Of course, there isn't any wrong answer.

I was actually a little sorry to see that you'd cut back that theme about moving on from high school, but I do understand why you did it.

Ah, Fascinating! Now that you say that, I almost wish I'd left a little more of that in. I don't know. I think I made the right choice there though. I really do. Perhaps there was another way to bring that to the forefront besides what I did before, but I was afraid the story might lose some of its optimism because of it.

That said ... he's a realistic and interesting character, and I think that your writing conveys his nature and ideology well. At times I felt that his quirky internal nature got a little heavy, but then that is part of his charm as well.

Once again--::sigh::

5.) One of my curses is an annoying habit for repetitive language and unnecessary phrases. I edit extensively to try to weed all that out of there. Did you find any?

Did not see any. Looked fine to me.

I guess Penelope disagreed. Now if only I could coax a bit more detail out of her... but I'll save that for the next message.

Again, lovely work with a good power of emotional depth. I really enoyed the ending and I liked the way you tackled a topic that most authors on Lit seem to shy away from meeting directly: what does sex mean?

Again, I'm so so glad that came across--even if only a little. I hope it wasn't too sophomoric in its approach.

Once again, thanks for everything, BS. I mean that sincerely.

 

[MLyons]

Re: Overall, great story

Penelope--

Thanks so much for toughing through my story. It really means alot to me that you read it and took the time to comment.

Mlyons,

I think your story is a real winner. About the only gripe I might have is that the flow is a bit sluggish, and I enjoy slow stories.

Yes. This is pretty much what I've been afraid of through the whole process of writing it. I was told by a couple people that the food groups discussion was a bit draggy, and believe it or not, that scene alone was cut by about two word pages before I
even submitted it. I gather from your small mention of it that it was one of the places that dragged for you anyway. I really did struggle with it. I didn't want to leave the thought half-completed. I wonder if you could articulate more specifics about where specifically you got those feelings of "get on with it". It's possible that in another month when I have some time away from the story that I might be able to see some points where I could trim further, but truly... virtually every word that's in the story is there by an active calculated choice. I'm not saying they were good choices, I'm only saying that I didn't know where else I could cut. If you could help point out those places that bogged down, I'd be hugely appreciative. It might help me to catch myself doing it in the future.

That said, the characters are so strong and the scenes so real that reading it was still a treasure.

Wow. Thanks. That's really very nice of you to say.

1.) What do you think of the characterization?

As I said, strong. So believable it was easy to bond with and feel for both of them.
Some of the names though, could have been better; Kelly and Kathleen? Too close. This really confuses a few people and it's so easy to avoid. And T.? Yeah, I'm sure there are boys who go by such monikers, but made for an awkward read at times.

I certainly see your gripe about the similarity of "Kelly" and "Kathleen", although I'd be interested to know just how many people were actually confused. Were you confused?

I thought "T." was an apt choice, though. Awkward read or not, I don't regret that one.

2.) Are there any parts of the story where I engaged in "telling" when I should have "shown"?

Nothing comes to mind. A few times I did think, "Yeah, yeah, get on with it," but nothing major.

Is there any way you might be able to specify where you felt this? It would really help me.

3.) How do you feel about the story's attempts at exploring theme? I tried to write this story so that it contained multiple, complex layers both in terms of interpersonal dynamics, sexuality, and grander ideas of what is real versus what is not? Did I succeed at all there? Was I too blatant? Too subtle? Just plain stupid?

Mulitple complex layers? Maybe I'm too just plain stupid to understand complex layers in stories or questions. I thought the characters and scenes were well enough written that I actually cringed at points when I shared the character's angst. What more can you want?

Nothing, actually. That's exactly what I wanted.

I thought the forward movement was a bit lethargic at times with too many unimportant details; but this is still better than too fast- after all I can always skim if I get bored.

Uhg! I don't want people to skim. ::sigh:: Again, if you might be able to point out where, even in general terms, you felt this, I would be very appreciative. I suspect the the "food groups" scene, but perhaps there's more? Perhaps it was Gary's overindulgence in introspection as BlackShanglan alluded to?

Only one sentence jumped out at me as unnecessary as I read it. "She needed to cum." -during the mirror scene. I thought her state of arousal was obvious at that point. There may have been a few others, but nothing major and nothing that comes to mind after the fact.

Yes... Dammit! I was THIS close to cutting that particular line just before I submitted it. Guess I should have, eh?

Any minor flaws in this department are more than offset by beautiful moments like these:
> What if Gary looked at her the way the rest of the guys looked at Kelly.
Wonderful musing. Was the lack of a question mark intentional?
> "Just make sure that you go after what you want, not just what you can get"
Perfect advice from a big sister! Where was my sister when I needed that?
> "No matter what you do, you're going to make me feel good."
Conveyed the truth, the magic, and the mystery of the moment.
> "This is amazing too."
> "Yeah."
Now that was just too tender, yet still true. Thanks.

Thanks so much for pointing those out. Yes the lack of question mark was a choice there. It wasn't a huge, angst ridden choice or anything, but a question mark just didn't feel right. ::shrug:: I don't know. Anyway, thanks for pointing these out. It makes me feel good. Those were good moments for me too.

Ok, a few more thoughts on the characters: During the mirror scene we learn
> Although still technically a virgin, [Kathleen] was brought up not to be ashamed of sex.
I'd like to know just a little more about how she was brought up. Even if I don't learn until later, I'm still curious exactly what the relationship was between Kathleen and her parents. Given all the time devoted to goofy food groups, I think a few sentences or a paragraph on Kathleen's upbringing would have been well spent.

Hm. I did actually have a tad more on Kathleen's upbringing and a few more details on her past activities and how she came to be the way she is--but they were in previous drafts, and I ended up cutting them. Again, perhaps that was the wrong choice. When I come to editing, I try to get rid of as much as possible. Tighten tighten tighten. Leave only what I need. As you see the result is still a story that isn't tight enough. Such is the nature of our ability to edit our own writing. I felt that I HAD to keep what I had of the food groups, as it becomes kind of integral to Kathleen's interest and fascination for Gary later, so I opted to cut the discussion of Kathleen's past instead. Maybe that was an "oopsy".

First thing I thought was, "Ok, here's the mirror scene." But, hey, we all use that scene, right?
As such scenes go, this one was superb, served its purpose and then some.

I actually... don't use them. I only used it because I wanted to make it real. I wanted to see her embarrassment at looking at herself in the mirror--a feeling I'm all too familiar with--and then I wanted to see her overcoming it in a believable way. I'm glad it worked, even if only a little.

I thought there were too many characters and the scene too 'big'. Would have worked better for me if just the two best friends had been chatting somewhere. Still served its purpose though.

Hm. Then it would have been an entirely different conversation. Perhaps I should have started the story with the 'La La Land' / 'Real Life' conversation that T. and Gary have later on, and have Kathleen overhear that... but then that would have caused all kinds of other problems, I'm afraid. I don't know. It's that ripple effect thing. At one point I had the opening written in such a way that it destroyed the "Kath?" moment between Gary and Kathleen 10,000 words later. It's really a bit of a house of cards.

I'm not entirely happy with the opening scene, but I'm not sure another conversation between T. and Gary alone would have been the answer.

For me, very. As masturbation scenes rate, that was an A+. Hotter than the 'real' sex scene later.

Great! Thanks for telling me that too. I'm so glad it worked for you.

Sorry for my long-windedness, but I find that my thought processes and reactions to the critiques are at least as important as the critiques themselves. Thanks again for your great thoughts and for reading the story. I appreciate it very much.

 

[MLyons]

I'd almost forgotten how nerve racking this process is...

 

[Varian P]

MLyons,

Well, you've heard plenty from me already on this one. I'll try not to repeat myself too much here, except to reiterate that you've written a very tender, touching story and beautifully captured so much of the anxiety of being a teenager, inexperienced and insecure, and terrified that the enormous promise of love can't be real. This story isn't the kind of story I usually seek out or enjoy, and it's to your credit that I found it both moving and arousing.

On to (hopefully) new thoughts based on the revisions you've made.

I think the opening conversation has improved—it seems more believable to me now, with the locker room talk beefed up a bit, and I think this also works nicely in showing the contrast between Gary's attitudes and those of his buddies.

Kathleen's mirror masturbation scene remains nice and hot—an admirable accomplishment, I think, because the complexity of her thoughts and feelings might have easily derailed it—you managed this nicely. One small critique: there are a few mentions of her "flat tummy," "tiny waist," etc. which seem to jar slightly with the narrative perspective you've got going—too self descriptive (whereas her conscious self-critiques, or the way she notices the intensity of her eyes in the mirror fit in well with her intentional self-examination).

I like the changes you made here:

She touched her fingertip along the bottom ridge of her nose, wiping a tiny bit of her pussy's lubricant against it. She breathed it deeply, and the unapologetic sexual aroma seemed to travel directly into her fantasies. She wondered hungrily what Gary might smell like.

All of this is wonderful, too—a concrete example of how the internal monologue and the emotional complexity going on adds to the eroticism of the scene:

She wondered at the mystery behind his deep-set green eyes, and she imagined what his hands might feel like if they touched her. Would his tongue feel cold on her nipples? Would she be able to feel his cock throbbing with blood as he pumped it in and out of her soaked pussy? Would he pull out and squirt on her tummy if she asked him to? What would his cum smell like? God, what would it taste like? She wished she could try it all.

I still love how she sees the beauty in herself in her moments of intense desire and sexual abandon, in contrast with her other moments of anxiety over her appearance.

You've made some good shifts in dialogue and internal thoughts and finessed Gary's attitudes toward sex.

I like this added glimpse into Kathleen's character:

she loved the fantasy of making his knees buckle by giving him a blowjob.

It taps into her active sexual imagination, and also gives her a little edge—her wanting to exert power over him that way.

I found the cut you made here a bit odd:

She needed to find out more about this party, but first she needed to get to a bathroom--pronto.

I think before it was explicit that she wanted to get to the girl's room to get herself off. As it is now I think she just needs to pee.

The way that Kathleen's admiration for Kelly's sexual way of being becomes part of Kathleen's attractiveness to Gary works well throughout the story. I really like this:

There was so much in Kathleen's description of Kelly that Gary loved about Kathleen. He wished he had had the guts to tell her that.

and this, too:

… The overwhelming feelings in his body even now were enough to convince him that the reality might just give him a sublime heart attack.

I like the way this passage ended up:

"Stop it. Stop it. Every time you do this," he scolded himself. "Every fucking time." He wiped a wet tear away from his eye. This is exactly why he preferred the fantasies of 'La La Land', especially when he masturbated. Associating sexual thoughts with 'Real Life' girls like Kathleen was so much more exciting, but it always carried a painful reminder of how impossible it all seemed for him.

I found this a tad confusing:

She had to ask. It wouldn't be right if she didn't, but she didn't know what she would do if he said no. "Do you. . . Do you want to stop?"

If he says "no," meaning he wants to keep going, she doesn't know what she'll do? I don't think that's what you mean.

This read a bit oddly to me:

Lightly at first he touched his tongue to her private flesh, and her juice washed into his mouth.

If her taste washes into his mouth, okay, but as it's written now I get the image of his tentative little touch of his tongue to her, and then suddenly a flood of liquid comes gushing into his mouth.

And now, to respond to your specific questions.

1.) What do you think of the characterization?

Gary and Kathleen have become nicely developed characters. Kathleen, especially, has made huge strides since the earliest draft I saw, and the most recent round of revisions have brought her just that much more into focus.

2.) Are there any parts of the story where I engaged in "telling" when I should have "shown"?

None leapt out at me.

3.) How do you feel about the story's attempts at exploring theme? I tried to write this story so that it contained multiple, complex layers both in terms of interpersonal dynamics, sexuality, and grander ideas of what is real versus what is not? Did I succeed at all there? Was I too blatant? Too subtle? Just plain stupid?

All of these themes came through nicely—the painfully awkward misunderstandings and anxieties of the characters as they tried to negotiate their nascent relationship, their separate and converging struggles to figure out the meaning of sex, and the struggle with reality all worked on various levels—some in the up-front plot and character interactions, and sometimes in the character's thoughts and explorations through dialogue.

4.) Is the story too introspective? Does it strike a good balance of action versus thought? What about detail and description versus forward movement? Any thoughts on this would greatly help me with my future work.

I didn't think there was too much introspection, and the balance of action and thought seemed good to me. Any less introspection would have detracted, in my opinion, as it would be extremely difficult to have these two characters, young, insecure, uncertain, act and speak around the subjects covered in moments of introspection, in a way that would effectively convey the themes you're exploring. The introspective passages nicely developed your themes, but also gave us insight into your characters.

5) Repetition

Gary noticed that all the white space around her notes was covered with hand drawn sketches…

I think in the context "hand drawn" is redundant. "Sketches" is all you need.

He tried to envision what Kathleen might look like naked, even as he felt he was somehow violating her privacy with his mind.

Again, in this context, I don't think you need "with his mind."

His body started moving against the soft cock blanket, and his cock grew even more

I hope that's helpful.

It was a pleasure, seeing the culmination of all your hard work--the story turned out beautifully.

-Varian

 

[MLyons]

Varian,

Once again, thank you so much for your great comments and commendable patience throughout this story's process. And here you are again. I really am most appreciative.

Also, thanks for the nice things you had to say about the story here. I'll concentrate on the problems you mentioned, although I'm afraid I won't have much more to say accept, "Yup... you're right."

Kathleen's mirror masturbation scene remains nice and hot—an admirable accomplishment, I think, because the complexity of her thoughts and feelings might have easily derailed it—you managed this nicely. One small critique: there are a few mentions of her "flat tummy," "tiny waist," etc. which seem to jar slightly with the narrative perspective you've got going—too self descriptive (whereas her conscious self-critiques, or the way she notices the intensity of her eyes in the mirror fit in well with her intentional self-examination).

Yup... you're right. I think in the process of writing this story I've kind of come to the realization that I don't need quite as much description of characters as I thought I did. I think you're right that Kathleen's description, her evaluation of herself in the mirror, could have been just as, if not more effective without these somewhat too-complimentary modifiers. I was very careful to leave out alot of that kind of thing, but clearly a few snuck in here and there. Thanks for pointing that out.

I found the cut you made here a bit odd:

She needed to find out more about this party, but first she needed to get to a bathroom--pronto.

I think before it was explicit that she wanted to get to the girl's room to get herself off. As it is now I think she just needs to pee.

Yeah. I'm afraid this was an unfortunate product of self-editing. I was trying to make this just as tight as I could, and I thought it was clear that she wanted a bathroom to get herself off, not to pee. I see now that I might have axed a bit too much and left the wrong impression for some readers. Whoops.

I found this a tad confusing:

She had to ask. It wouldn't be right if she didn't, but she didn't know what she would do if he said no. "Do you. . . Do you want to stop?"

If he says "no," meaning he wants to keep going, she doesn't know what she'll do? I don't think that's what you mean.

Yup... you're right. Not much more to say there.

This read a bit oddly to me:

Lightly at first he touched his tongue to her private flesh, and her juice washed into his mouth.

If her taste washes into his mouth, okay, but as it's written now I get the image of his tentative little touch of his tongue to her, and then suddenly a flood of liquid comes gushing into his mouth.

Yup, you're right. I really didn't want to convey the idea that a rushing, flooding splash of juice entered his mouth. I guess that was an unfortunate choice of words. I just was trying to find an interesting way to say that he tasted her. Whoops again.

4.) Is the story too introspective? Does it strike a good balance of action versus thought? What about detail and description versus forward movement? Any thoughts on this would greatly help me with my future work.

I didn't think there was too much introspection, and the balance of action and thought seemed good to me. Any less introspection would have detracted, in my opinion, as it would be extremely difficult to have these two characters, young, insecure, uncertain, act and speak around the subjects covered in moments of introspection, in a way that would effectively convey the themes you're exploring. The introspective passages nicely developed your themes, but also gave us insight into your characters.

This is something I'm still struggling with. Penelope was nice enough to send me a PM pointing out a few spots that made her impatient for the story to move along, and I think alot of the stuff she pointed out was correct. I do still think it's a bit too in the heads of the characters, and this is where I'm afraid I didn't trust myself to convey the themes I was exploring without going overboard in saying what the characters thought. This is the real challenge of good writing. Knowing when you've done the job without pointing it out directly (which is what alot of the charater introspection was about in this story's case). I don't know. I'm rambling, but it is nice to see another person's opinion on the subject, even though it only enhances my confusion about what I should have done.

Based on everyone's comments here, I think I might go through and do some light edits here and there--even if it is ultimately for my own benefit--to see if I can tighten the story even more without losing anything.

5) Repetition

Gary noticed that all the white space around her notes was covered with hand drawn sketches…

I think in the context "hand drawn" is redundant. "Sketches" is all you need.

He tried to envision what Kathleen might look like naked, even as he felt he was somehow violating her privacy with his mind.

Again, in this context, I don't think you need "with his mind."

His body started moving against the soft cock blanket, and his cock grew even more

I hope that's helpful.

Absolutely it's helpful and once again--you're right. Like I said, this is my curse. Some people can see this stuff a mile away, but for some reason, when you're the one writing it, it's so easy to be blind to it. We all have our problems as writers--this is one of my big ones.

It was a pleasure, seeing the culmination of all your hard work--the story turned out beautifully.

Thanks again for saying that, and for your tireless help with reactions and encouragement throughout the process. As I've said to others, even if the end product ends up being terrible, I find the process of writing a story at least as rewarding, if not more so, than submitting it for everyone to read. You and a few others were part of that exquisite process and I can't thank you, or repay you enough for it.

 

[CharleyH]

1.) What do you think of the characterization?

I thought the characterizations were beautifully done. Without being told they are this way or that way, I felt their personalities in their prescence. There is absolutely no problem here.

3.) What did you think of the very opening scene in the library? Was it interesting? Did it grab you, and prompt you to keep reading?

I liked the whole story and I kept reading because I was interested. I would not say that it was because of this scene though. I perked up the moment I knew someone was listening, Kathleen, whom I suspected. In truth, I found the library scene a bit sluggish, and it is not because I was not interested in the conversation or the scene itself, but rather, it was the way in which you wrote the dialogue. The descriptors made the dialogue painfully slow. By this I mean there was too much “he said, he said, he said.” The dialogue in the cafeteria moves much more quickly and naturally. I felt in the library that I was wanting (so bad) to skip over descriptions and get to the ‘talk’.

Examples:
Library:

"What do you think, Jim?" said Brett, clearly enjoying how Gary squirmed at the way they were talking.
"Kelly Granger," nodded Jim, as if his mind was long made up.
"Fuckin' A!" T. agreed.
"I don't get you guys," said Brett. "What is it about her that everyone likes?"
"Tits, dude! What kind of stupid-ass question is that?" countered T. "Don't you want to just sit on top of her and squeeze those things around your--"
"Shhh. Jesus, T.," Gary whispered as the rest of the guys snickered around the table.
"You know the coolest part though," Jim ignored Gary. "She'd probably be totally up for it!"
"I know!" said T.

Even if this were to reflect a play by play like one might find in a sport, it slowed down the story to me. Even if not it slowed down the story to me. You achieve a much better flow in the cafeteria.
Example: Cafeteria

"Come on, freak, just tell me," said T., his voice rising above the lunchroom din.
"Okay, but are you listening this time?"
"Don't make me come over there and kick your ass."
"Ooo, All the way over here? Alright, the basic premise is that both men and women exist in two worlds simultaneously. One world is called 'La La Land' and the other is called 'Real Life'. You--you live in 'La La Land' most of the time." Gary smiled.
"Hardy har har."
"They're both pretty self explanatory. 'La La Land' is a magical place populated with pop stars, actresses, and models. It's total fantasy--all based on image. 'Real Life' is, well, real life."
"Uh-huh, alright."
"Anyway, in both 'La La Land' and 'Real Life', women can be broken down into two separate categories: 'Obtainable Women' and 'Unobtainable Women', although most of 'La La Land''s population is 'Unobtainable'."

4.) Was Kathleen’s masturbation scene sexy?

First off, I felt the transition was not clear enough. For the first part of the masturbation scene, I thought she was in the school’s bathrrom. It was not until later that I realize she is at home.

Most of the description was sexy. Word choices, action, phrases. However, I did find a bit too much introspection during the orgasm. I don’t know about anyone else, but during an orgasm, I don’t really think a lot of thoughts, but rather feel lost to the sensations of my body. I felt Kathleen was thinking too much during the orgasm, and so it lost it’s lustre for me as a ‘turn-on’ so to speak.

Finally, the torrent of release washed over her like a violent ocean wave. Her self-conscious feelings had long since melted away as she struggled to focus on her sweaty, pleasure racked body in the mirror. Her reflection and the arousal in her eyes at that moment, in contrast to the plain, tiny girl she'd seen earlier, was something she found inexplicably sexy--even beautiful.

"Ooohh. Oh." Her violent, shaky whispers escaped her parted lips as she looked through the mirror into her glazed eyes. In her blurry haze of lost awareness, her body almost toppled and she had to reach her arm back to catch herself from falling. Her bottom rested on the floor, and she let her legs relax against the seams in the door leaking light from the hallway outside the bathroom.

In answer to question 5, this is a time I felt you were telling rather than showing. I found the word ‘finally’ misplaced. I’d do away with it and get to the orgasm. ‘The torrent of . . .” I’d have preferred if you left out certain things at this precise moment, and in favour of action. Example: The torrent of release washed over her like a violent ocean wave. Self-consciousness melted, she struggled to focus on her reflection – her sweaty, pleasure-racked body - Her glazed eyes . . . etc etc.

NITPICKS:

Jim raised his eyes in a spooky searching motion and wiggled his fingers, "Woo Ooo Ooo."

Is ‘woo’ like a ghost, not one word? As it reads seems wrong to me.

She glanced at the tiny patch of hair that remained between her legs. She bit her lip, pretending once again that Gary was looking at it.

The second sentence reads to me that she pictures Gary looking at the lip she is biting, and not those between her legs.

Once again, she evaluated herself[/b]

A bit too John Berger for me. Evaluated is too obvious an analysis, and theoretical in a way that does not suit the story. It simply strikes me that way, and completely stands out as theory. Others may disagree.

2.) I tried to create a natural feeling “mirror scene” that actively avoided cliché. Did I succeed? What did you think of it?

I did not find it cliche. Then again, it did not have a string of pearls in the scene

I have not read the whole story, though I will and simply to enjoy it without a critical eye. However, you do mention theme, and while I have not read the story further, I certainly see themes rising here.

I brought up Berger for a particular reason because I do view this story with sight in mind, particularly in a feminist-psychoanalytic way. Mirror stage theory permeates your text: reality vs. illusion, as do themes of id-ego-superego, not simply in the character of Kathleen, but interestingly in Gary as well. I find this rather refreshing. The mirror has played a significant role in women’s sexuality, and so I am interested in finding out how you deal with it. The masculine/feminine, love/hate, reality/illusion, surveyed/surveyor dichotomies of Gary/Kathleen are developing nicely so far.

Seeing themselves as they are, as they want to be and as others see them, is fascinating to me; has always been something I am particularly drawn to, and completely takes my mind to Robert Graves image of the ‘White Godess’, and how this coincides with id, ego and superego. But this could be something I am simply reading into the story since I have yet to read the rest.

The mirror as both an entrapment and liberation in the context of how Kathleen views her sexuality is also something that peaks my interest, and I was intrigued by the concept that you articulated through her smile: the difference between a natural image and reproduced one, ultimately as Gary says, the difference between the obtainable and the unobtainable, and certainly reflecting his own vision of himself as not wanting to be the old geezer.

Quite intricate thematically, and quite a challenge to have so much, but you are pulling it off well.

I very much enjoyed this M