Grassroots Disc: CharleyH, 10-17-04 ; SDC main queue

[Pure]

[Charlie's story deleted by her request July 30, 2011]

 

[CharleyH]

Hm, I don't know how long it takes on this thread, and admittingly, oh god I am impatient, LOL, however I do hope that my childhood mems dont offend, because this is semi-me, as writers we do write at least semi us. Here is me being nervous - rolls eyes.

Synopsis: A woman is bound by her childhood, what she learned, how she learned to love, as we do good or bad, and in latter years 30's. afraid to let go of her control over emotion, the breakdown. eventually, and 'HARD' discovers she can love, and it don't have to be black and white SM.

Its a good read, give it a chance?

OK FINE - Pleading Dr. M. Rumple, Imp. Neon, BT????

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Other than overall impression, I would like to know the following:

1. Is there anything in this Chapter that needs further explanation. Any loose ends that you feel should be tied in ‘this’ chapter or that you feel I will definitely need to address later.

I don't see any obvious loose ends. I think you might want to change the names of either robbie or billy. I know they start with different letters, but bobbie is close enough and it took me a second glance to realize you were refering to a different kid.

In the party scene, you runus through a blur of characters. If any of them besides Amilia have future importance, I would suggest a bit of fleshing them out.

2. Do you have enough insight into the main character at this point: her relationship to the other key players, and what she wants.

I think you have done a good job of getting us into her head. The background is pretty solid. What she wants remains kind of nebulous to me. That dosen't detract from the character, I think what any of us want is kinda nebulous at any point in time.


3. Can you see recurring themes/symbols/dichotomies developing.

I get a feeling themain theme is dominance. In reccuring, the males are both more imbibed with "feminine" traits. Where as the women are more "masculine". I see a distinct lack of the emotional capacity to bond with someone in both Mom and Ameilia. Where as I see an over abundance inthe men. Symbolism has never been clear to me, so my missing that says nothing about the work


4. Do you forsee a problem with any part of the childhood memory scene? (i.e., problem posting to Lit)

The childhood memories are edgeing the line. There is not, however any gatuitious description and I think it will pass muster. I would however, suggest running it by Laurel, that's the only way to really know.


Overall, it's engrossing. It took me no time to read. If it suffers any obvious problem, it's that you are so erudite and knowledgeable that many of your references will pass right over the heads of most Lit readers.

If you have any specific questions, just Pm Me

-Colly

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I think for a first chapter it is a good read, it gives us a taste of the characters.

Mom is definitly the Ice Queen. It's understandable how her daughter could be conflicted as an adult. Wondering about the ability to find out what love really is, does it equate with pain and pleasure? Is such a domineering person capable of sharing the warmth of love.

The childhood memory scene I think is essential to setting the stage. I don't see it as being a problem, as it is a memory and how many of us have been spanked as children, it is discipline and not sexual. It is a root cause for sculpting the character of Brie.

I want to know more of her siblings relationships,how they evolved from their shared childhood memories.

 

[MLyons]

CharleyH,

I fully intend on reading and commenting on your story if you'd like. I'm just having a bit of a busy week, and it might be a couple more days before I have a chance.

It does sometimes take a few days before the comments start rolling in, but rest assured, you'll get them.

I just wanted you to know that I'm commin', it just may be another day or two.

 

[CharleyH]

CharleyH,

I fully intend on reading and commenting on your story if you'd like. I'm just having a bit of a busy week, and it might be a couple more days before I have a chance.

It does sometimes take a few days before the comments start rolling in, but rest assured, you'll get them.

I just wanted you to know that I'm commin', it just may be another day or two.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Party scenes are a bitch to write. I think you handled this one awfully well, as long as you don’t expect is to really remember who is who, because aside from Amelia it’s not easy keeping track of all these people. If the party scene is just intended to portray a general dolce vita type of thing, I think it does that very nicely.

As for the first scene, the childhood one: the focus of the scene is the spanking. I think you dilute it by including too many details about the fire and about Robbie. I don’t think the fact that she’s fooling around with Robbie in a kind of pre-adolescent way does much towards explaining her character. A lot of kids do stuff like that, and the Lit proscriptions on underage sex will prevent you from making it vivid enough to be memorable, and so it seems kind of distracting, like a false start that goes no where. The spanking is the crux of the matter, and I think there’s enough drama at the dinner table to omit all the fire stuff and playing around with Robbie.

I’m puzzled as to her relationship with Ness. Maybe it’s because I already know Charley and so was predisposed to see this as some sort of D/s relationship or something else kinky, but I can’t tell whether they’re lovers or friends or mistress and slave or what, so I had no emotional context to put that scene into. He seems to be doing the dishes for her, so I thought D/s, but then he talks to her like a lover, so I’m just not sure what’s going on. Maybe that’s what you intend, that kind of ambiguity. If so, you should be aware that it doesn’t give the reader a place to stand in figuring out what’s going on.

2. Do you have enough insight into the main character at this point: her relationship to the other key players, and what she wants.

I know about her and Amelia. Her relatuionship to Ness is not at all clear to me. I don’t know anything about the other people at the party. They’re all just background music to me.

3. Can you see recurring themes/symbols/dichotomies developing.

Symbols? What? Spanking? Photography? Not quite sure what you’re asking here.

I have the feeling that the childhood scene is supposed to explain something about Brie’s relationship with Amelia and Ness. If so, I don’t quite get it.

4. Do you forsee a problem with any part of the childhood memory scene? (i.e., problem posting to Lit)

Not as it’s written now, but still, it wouldn’t surprise me if it raised a red flag on Lit. The more important thing is that, as written, I don’t think the scene does what it’s supposed to do. I think it’s supposed to show that Brie’s very sexual, but it’s going to take more than an adolescent game of Doctor to show that. What’s worse is that it defuses some of the intensity from the spanking scene that follows.


It looks like you’re writing this as a series of vignettes. At least that’s what you’ve got so far. I always find it’s more effective when writing this way to keep each vignette focused on establishing one specific point or feeling. I think you’re trying to cram two points into that first, childhood vignette: her sexuality and the spanking scene, and I think it would work better if you broke that into two separate vignettes.

There’s also a kind of fuzziness for me in trying to figure out what the vignette with Ness is trying to establish. Is she tiring of a love affair? Is she pining for Amelia? Is it just to give us an idea of the way she lives now? In any case, I think it could be a bit more revelatory.

Same with the party. I understand the party scene to be a way of establishing the kind of life she leads and her social circle, while showing us something of what Amelia’s like. If that’s what you intend, then I think it works very well. If we’re supposed to come away from that with something more, than, for me at least, I need to know more.

Overall I think the piece is very deftly written. As I said, party scenes are always a bitch for me, with all those people talking at the same time, and I thought you did an admirable job.

Still, what you’ve got so far is just the beginning. It’s hard to judge a piece when there’s still so far to go. What you have so far is very good though.

---dr.M.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Hi there CharleyH. Here are some of my thoughts. I hope they help!

First off, I enjoy your style. Your use of language is smooth, confident without being showy, and literate without obscurity. I enjoy the presence of nicely turned structures like this one:

She was the kind of woman who didn’t tolerate misbehaviour or bad manners. In fact, there wasn’t much that she did tolerate.

You show a good sense of control over your diction and you use subtle details nicely - for example, underscoring the emotional importance of an event simply by noting the precise year and your exact age. That's immensely more powerful and effective than whinging on about how traumatic it is - but then I clearly don't need to tell you that.

I was less fond of these lines:

already intelligent beyond my age, already ingrained with dominant traits quite evident in my pre-pubescent ‘house’ play, and already, according to me, more knowledgeable about the world than even most of the adults I knew, who seemed to know nothing.

This made me perceive the narrator - by which I mean the narrator "now" or adult - as a bit cocky. I understand that she's looking back at herself and re-casting her perceptions when she says "according to me," but in the earlier section she notes that she was intelligent beyond her age, which is hard to say about oneself without seeming a trifle egotistical - even if it is, as it may be, undeniably true. The impression gets reinforced later when she refers to "my beyond eight year old way" of humiliating Billy.

The "dominant traits" comment also caught my eye, and I found myself puzzling over it more and more as I continued reading. I think the issue that nags at me is this: that phrase seems to present a sense of the narrator's dominance as inborn or innate. However, other elements of the story run counter to this, including the title itself. The Mistress, we are told, is made, not born. I can certainly imagine that the narrator might be a little uncertain herself as to whether that aspect of her was born or made, but if so, it would be good to phrase the "dominant traits" comments in light of that doubt.

I love the image of the little kids "emulat[ing] erotic statues." This was both hysterical and a little sad/nostalgic as well. A great touch.

We had just finished putting our clothes back on, Robbie in a pair of bottle-green cords, a lime and yellow tie-dyed t-shirt and a bead chocker that wrapped tightly around his neck. I saw him push his shaggy, sand hair from his eyes as I pulled the ribbed baby blue, turtleneck over my head, leaving it untucked from my jeans.

I can see them beautifully in their "70's clothes." That said ... I found myself a little distracted by the sudden depth of detail. I wondered why their clothing was so important. If you're going to keep this level of detail, perhaps the narrator could drop some hints as to why it's significant. Did the "young" narrator - i.e. her as a child - find clothing particularly interesting? Or is this the "old" narrator - the adult voice telling us the story - musing nostalgically over the sights and fashions of her youth? If there was some emotional connection made to these images, I would have a better sense of them as being integral to the plot and not tangential detail.

Just a couple of notes on mechanics - I believe that "cul de sac" is not normally capitalized. Neither is "mother." I assumed at first that you'd capitalized "mother" for emphasis, to indicate that the narrator's mother was a powerful figure in her life, but I notice later that it's capitalized when referring to Robbie's mother as well. There's a little you're/your confusion there too. There are some more mechanical issues, but I will not note them all. I'm happy to give the story a thorough grammatical review if you like, but I don't want to leave you with the impression that that is all I paid attention to.

Nice description of the fire all the way through. You capture the wild, sensual feel of the flames and the narrator's fascination with them. This also becomes a nice representation of the narrator's passionate nature; she likes to play with fire, or at least to be near it.

The table was set with cherry linen napkins and placemats, and the Bordeaux was decanted on the table, but not poured. The bowls were on white, Pope Gosser plates, the Christofle silver was perfectly placed and the soup terrine sat in the centre of the table, covered but getting cold.

In contrast to the previous description of clothing, this one works perfectly for me. Here, it's all laden with emotional significance. I have already learned that the mother is a rigid, somewhat prissy, controlling person who demands pin-neat ordered surroundings. The description of the table drives this home while reminding me with every detail that the narrator is the sole thing that is unkempt and out of place. The "getting cold" is a lovely little nail in her coffin at the end, and leaves me cringing as I try to imagine how the mother will make her displeasure known. Later, you handle the detail wisely in a different way; I get enough concrete imagery to see something the narrator remembers, in the quirky way that memory works - bloody, brandy-glazed meat - and in a way that reinforces some of the earlier images of carefully luxurious and proper living - tournedos, porcini duc sel, pavlova for dessert. However, you don't get lost in giving me every detail of the whole dinner setting. I think that this was part of what struck me in the descriptions of clothing; it seemed as if you got started and then felt obliged to mention the full suit of clothes for each person. I think you'd be better with one or two evocative details.

I loved the serious of flat statements the mother makes. Her cool refusal to ask any sort of question is indeed extremely unsettling and carries beautifully the tone of utterly controlled menace. You've handled her voice and characterization very well; I found myself squirming with sympathy for the narrator.

You close this section well, with a few relatively terse sentences on its impact. This control is an excellent choice; it would be easy to get overblown here, but you avoid that trap neatly. The simplicity of the statements conveys force and gives this section a sense of closure. I would say, in answer to your question number four, that I can't see anything I would expect someone to object to in submission to Literotica, and I would add that I think it makes a great introduction to the story. It really makes me want to keep reading, and it establishes a very intriguing dichomty between father and mother that comes to a powerful tension when the narrator closes with "Perhaps it was that moment where I learned how to love." It also works especially nicely as we move directly to the Ness/Amelia dichotomy that clearly plays these same power relationships out again in adult life.

He soaked the silverware, and slipped the Caban stoneware plates in the tub of water.

I'm back on the use of detail again. This may be me - I don't know much about such things, so the brand means nothing to me. However, in the earlier dinner with the mother, the brand names meant nothing to me either. I still grasped the reason for them being there and the emotional weight they were meant to carry. This detail doesn't seem to hold depth to it like the previous image did. I guess hazily that I am meant to contrast her choices to her mother's, but I think I need more backstory to her life for that detail to fully work. That is, the image of the mother's tableware crystallized and made physical information I already knew. I don't know anything about how the narrator lives at this point, so instead I am trying to draw conclusions from her stoneware - more difficult to do. There's a fair bit of that all through this section. Yes, I can pretty well see their kitchen at the end of it, but I don't have a sense of why it's important that I see it.

One thing she was not was dull.

This made me laugh, especially after the litany of her dramatically "difficult" ways. You've got a good sense for the value of a short, terse, lone line as a sort of punctuation or scene-ender.

The food detail on the party, again, works for me. Types of food have a way of helping us imagine the people who eat them, and the opening list of party food gives me an idea of the type of party. That works, again, because I can see why I want to know what they are eating.

The dialogue at the party is great. I like your decision to rapid-fire names without attributes or explanations, giving the reader the sensation of being perched there looking into the hectic, booze-and-better fueled confusion of it. The voices are smart, sharp, and quick, moving things with a brisk humor that works very nicely. I also very much liked the switch back to Ness and the kitchen. I found myself slightly disoriented, but pleasantly so, and enjoyed being dropped back into the kitchen with a nice rough bump.

This is a great piece of work. It's not a genre/content area in which I normally have a strong interest, so I think it all the more to your credit that I found myself amused, interested, and thoroughly pleased with the piece. The voices of your characters are strong, natural, convincing, and often amusing, and it all rings "true" in that literary sense of true - that is, true to the feeling, not tediously, beaurocratically true to the blow-by-blow reality. You handle a sophisticated narrative framing structure with skill and a steady hand, and you certainly left me wanting more. I would recommend working on detail - either cutting back a little, or communicating better why a great deal of detail is needed or significant - but only in a few key areas; in other places you handle it very nicely. I would also suggest that you work with an editor on grammar and mechanical issues. That's not a suggestion that grammar in any way obscures your meaning - it doesn't. I mean only that I very much enjoy your story, and I think we'd both want people to be thinking more about the great voice and intense emotions than about capitalization or comma usage.

Answers to your questions:

1. I felt that the explanation was perfect. I would not add more; I liked the focus of this, presenting individual moments of powerful emotional impact without dwelling on quotidian details.

2. I do feel that I have ample insight into the main character. The one question I am left with is the nature/nurture thing. Sometimes she seems to imply that her dominant traits are innate, as in her discussion of her childhood behavior. At other times she traces it to her mother and father. I'm not sure if the narrator is meant to be ambiguous about this herself, but if she is, I would sense that better if she mentioned her ambiguity - even just a word or two - somewhere near one of these "nature" instances, which at the moment she appears to suggest uncritically. It jars a little when she moves to the more "nuture"-based comments that seem to contradict a bit.

3. Symbols / dichotomies / recurring themes:

Fire and water as antithetical images of rebellion and liberation - a little dangerous as well.

Women as dominant, adventurous, exciting, and dangerous; men as nurturing, kind, supporting, but dull.

Domestic accoutrements. The mother's express her personality very well. I feel that the daughter's are meant to, too, but it's falling a little short. I think I need either a bit more backstory - as mentioned above, so that the physical details are crystallizing rather than creating the impression - or some guidance with emotionally weighted words - "artistic," "sloppy," "prim," or similar, although obviously not all at once. Just something to let me know a bit more how I am meant to perceive these physical objects in relation to emotional reality.

Dining and kitchen related events. There are three, and they are quite interesting. The dinner with the family is status-conscious, proper, cold, and painful. In the kitchen with Ness, we're warmer, more comfortable, but also a little needy and notably focused on the uninteresting chores - cleaning up after - rather than on the pleasant food. The party food is chaotic, trendy, fun, and eclectic, and mixes together with the booze and drugs to create an unrestrained, hedonistic atmosphere. The last two are both opposites of the first in their own ways.

4. I think I answered - I love it and see no problems.


All the best, and thanks for sharing - I really enjoyed it.

Shanglan

 

[BlackShanglan]

Sorry, but if you can believe it - I really did *start* mine before Dr. M. posted. Damn my runaway commentaries! So I didn't see what he'd said.

I realize, looking at his comments, that we disgree in a number of ways. It's interesting to me because, obviously, we're looking at the same text. Such is the mystery of personal taste.

One comment I really did want to talk about - not, Dr. M, to have a jab at you, but because I wanted to offer a counter-perception of the same issues. Here's the observation:

As for the first scene, the childhood one: the focus of the scene is the spanking. I think you dilute it by including too many details about the fire and about Robbie. I don’t think the fact that she’s fooling around with Robbie in a kind of pre-adolescent way does much towards explaining her character. A lot of kids do stuff like that, and the Lit proscriptions on underage sex will prevent you from making it vivid enough to be memorable, and so it seems kind of distracting, like a false start that goes no where. The spanking is the crux of the matter, and I think there’s enough drama at the dinner table to omit all the fire stuff and playing around with Robbie.

For me, this vignette felt coherent and collected. I did feel that I came to a central, unified connection. I felt that the sexuality and the power relationships were intimately tied up with each other, as were sexuality and the opposition of confining, domestic, "tame" images to the appeal of wild rebellion. I suppose to me that the spanking was more the climax of the action than the crux of it; that is, to me, the spanking achieved its emotional and symbolic depth because it involved all of those other issues as well, and suggested ultimately the impossibility of the narrator's situation. She's being punished by a powerful, controlling mother for, essentially, trying to be powerful and controlling, at the hands of the father, a figure of passive domesticity, whose weeping and unhappiness show her what the alternative to rebellion and dominance will be. Tie these into sexual awakening which itself takes on the character of rebellion and control, and I'd argue you've got a heady mix that provides a good "explanation" - as good as most people will get for their own sexual quirks - as to why the adult woman might be drawn to D/S relationships with fatal flaws in them.

I know that many people will see this as Dr. M did; I just wanted to say that some might see it as I did. And, of course, many tiresome inconvenient folk will see it in a host of other mutally exclusive ways.

Damn the subjectivity of literature.

Shanglan

 

[neonlyte]

Hi Charley,

I slept on this wanting to take a pulse on how the story felt after reflection. My residing impression is detachment, it as if she is peering over her shoulder at the events you narrate, looking through snapshots, reminding herself of what and who she is. I’m fairly certain this is the impression you want to create, you don’t allow her (or us) to have any emotional attachment, all of the characters she reviews in this text have flaws. They don’t touch her in the way she wants to be touched.

It is possible that you have too many snapshots within this relatively short passage you may have been able to achieve more with less. For example the introduction of Ness either side of the brilliant party section does little to explain their relationship and confuses her sexual orientation. Clearly men and women mark the passage of her live, the pre-pubescent Robbie, her subservient Father, the Mother whose will she is determined to challenge and Amelia, a play thing? I wonder if exposing Ness’s role in her life would not be better left until the next section, the final para. indicates where she places him, I’m not sure we gain too much by your description of his domesticity. It is already clear that her men perform a subservient role.

Specific text problems:
“Brigette Susanna Bathory!” I heard my Dad yell in a firm voice giving away my three quarter French, Hungarian, but not my quarter British background.

I’m not sure this line adds anything, unless the importance is revealed in subsequent passages.

‘kebobs’ or kebabs – maybe it’s intentional.

I was tired from having prepped food all day – doesn’t sound like the ‘Brie’ you paint, (or the ‘set’ she’s moving in) wouldn’t she have arranged outside catering?

I find myself ‘snagging’ over the descriptions of linens, cutlery, plates, designer labels, etc. You use these to create a ‘life style’ image, perhaps slightly overdone.

Your specific questions:
1. You refer indirectly to a continuing relationship with her Father, … and even up until the day he died he couldn’t remember the moment without tears in his eyes., unless he features in later chapters, you might want to clarify or omit their continuing contact.

Danielle – I understand she will appear later; did she ‘escape’ from her Mother? There is a dichotomy in so much the Danielle appears ‘normal’ but grew in the same household.

Mother – did she re-marry after the divorce? Is she still trying to control Brie? Is she alive?

2. I like her, for all her detachment. On second reading, I sense she is waiting. I would not want to be Ness, being Robbie might have been fun.

3. Yes, she appears to be treading a worn path, a path she walks in isolation comforted by familiarisation with deeds and acts performed.

4. This sentence may give you trouble in passing the Lit. test – We had just finished putting our clothes back on, …It is innocent enough within the context of juvenile discovery but projects the image of two naked children.

This is a stimulating piece of work, I definitely want to read more, not just to discover where you take us, but the style and development of the story demands reading, you unveil enough to grab an audience. In my opinion, for what that is worth, I prefer the elaborate background development it gives the story the foundation from which to build.

Neon

 

[Remec]

Thoughts

originally posted by CharlieH1. Is there anything in this Chapter that needs further explanation. Any loose ends that you feel should be tied in ‘this’ chapter or that you feel I will definitely need to address later.

2. Do you have enough insight into the main character at this point: her relationship to the other key players, and what she wants.

3. Can you see recurring themes/symbols/dichotomies developing.

4. Do you forsee a problem with any part of the childhood memory scene? (i.e., problem posting to Lit)

<dropping by from AH>
These are prolly going to be out of order...if you'll bear with me.

4. I didn't see anything that would limit that part. If there had been any sort of actual description to the dryhumping and posings that Brie and Robbie were taking part of...or, in a different sort of story, there had been sexual undertones to the spanking scene...then you'd have a problem, but I would say it was sufficiently "off camera" to satisfy the restrictions.

3.(and part of 2 and 1<g>) In the quest for balance, and based of what we have seen so far in Brie's dealing with Ness and Amelia, I would imagine that Brie is mostly following in her mother's mode of being in control and mostly getting what she wants. I feel that she hasn't yet crossed over to the sort of ultrademanding, manipulative (Machiavellian?) person that mother was though...which might be the limited influence her father may have had on her.

Or was it limited? If she was 8.75 when the moment of change occurred in her, and Dad was divorced three months later, then she was 9 by then, right? I'm unclear how much or little Dad was in her and Danielle's lives after the divorce. Might be something to touch on later in the story.


Just first observations...will reread later if you'd like...or other chapters...

 

[CharleyH]

Thank you all for your comments thus far. In skimming through, I note a lot of interesting observations, so I will take my time to read them thoroughly, and address you individually.

As an aside, who says a little whining doesn't work? Thanks.

 

[CharleyH]

Sorry it has taken so long to respond, but I really wanted to take my time with all of your comments. Each of your perspectives is greatly valued, and has enabled me to better focus on what I need and want for the story, so thank you all. You have helped greatly.

Dr. M:
The party scene WAS a bitch to write. LOL – I had to draw a map just to keep track of where everyone was, but I am happy that it reads well. Other than Amelia, no one at the party is significant, except the guy in the Sarong in a later chapter, but he is always just the guy in the sarong.

I have always been apprehensive about the scene with Brie and Robbie emulating the statues. Is it useful or useless? But then I think my concern over it stems from whether or not it will be acceptable to Lit.. While you have made me think deeper about this scene, it lends a lot more to the sexuality of the character than first appears. The one thing about this character is that she observes various signifiers of passion from a distance, like a work of art, appreciating, but which she never fully participates in: the fire, the fountain (which expands in a later chapter), Ness who performs and she doesn't respond to, and a scenario she experiences in chapter 2 with a client, which brings the childhood statues up again. The thrust of her quest is discovering her latent and suppressed passion. Her whole life is sexual, but with little intensity (just thinking out loud). It also precedes the moment where she gains control emotionally - like the Mother.

Brie’s relationship with Ness has been problematic for me. I was fighting with myself on how to write it, wavering on his character, and the nature of their relationship. I definitely wanted to establish a D/s relationship, but at the same time wanted it not to be the focus because of her job is as a Dominatrix. She sees it as work. Her growing dissatisfaction in the relationship is because she sees it as work, full of duties and formalities, which becomes more apparent as the story continues, and which relates to Mother. In contrast to Amelia, it is a much more peaceful existence, but since neither relationship at extremes are what she wants . . . I wanted to give the impression that he performs in the D/s relationship, but again, she doesn’t really participate in it. The great thing about you bringing it up, is that I can see the need to revisit this relationship and how it should more thoroughly play out. You have given me a thought and direction, which is what I had hoped for in this exercise.

Shanlagan
I am so happy that you read this with the intension I had hoped to have it read. I try always to write without wasted symbols, and it is important to me to accomplish this. Even the names of Ness and his siblings have significance, which play into ‘his’ character. I will flesh out the meaning more carefully later, but need to get it written first.

Aside from giving me peace of mind that I am on the track I want to be on, you raise a good question in regards to Brie’s dominant traits. I will really have to ponder more thoroughly, in which direction I intend to take this. The way that I am currently writing it is that she doesn’t, as a character, know what she wants, but recognizes balance as a part of that: balance between the Mother and the father and between her relationships with Ness and Amelia. This question makes my mind whirl with thoughts that fly away from me before I can jot them down. I am trying to establish her as dominant, emotionally closed with the desire for passion, with the desire to love just frothing at the edges. This, I hope, becomes increasingly apparent through the story.

Loss of control is something she fears, and which figures in Chapter 2, and in a later chapter with her sister. (so far as I have planned). There is an underlying desire to emotionally submit, which becomes her struggle as the story progresses, and the difficulty with which she meets her own passion is the turning point of the story. But I am still at the beginning and will ensure that I keep your question regarding the ‘making of a mistress’ in my mind as I write. Thanks for pointing to it.

70’s clothes. LOL, well, ya know - I found myself getting ‘into’ remembering what we wore back then. It is not significant to this story. I just got carried away writing it one Sunday as period music played from the radio. Cut/edit. Thanks.

Yes, I suck at grammar But have a tendency to not worry about it until I feel absolutely complete in a chapter. Mother = Mother for the reason you pointed. I will be careful with other uses. I will also revisit certain sentences you point out. I want her to be vain, confident, calm, without appearing overly narcissistic.

Neon:
Interesting that you start by saying your “residing impression is detachment, it as if she is peering over her shoulder at the events you narrate, looking through snapshots, reminding herself of what and who she is.” Succinctly stated. The whole struggle is to barrel through the wall of her brick, perhaps metal outer layer.

From your second comment regarding Ness and Amelia, you reinforce what Dr. M articulated. I will revisit both characters, as I do want to solidify them, and their roles in the beginning, and how they relate back to the Mother and father.

I’m am happy with the way I have set up the first chapter, since all three scenes within the chapter raise the symbols, metaphors and dichotomies, which will increasingly play out through the rest of the story.

As for her sexuality, it makes sense between the dichotomies that she is bi-sexual, and since I do not see bi-sexuality as confusion, I would like to have further explanation as to why you see it as confusing.

I situate the party scene in the centre of Ness for very specific reasons. First, the past within the present and lastly because it is a wilder, more intense, fun letting-go scene in the midst of calmness. It relates to the outer exterior and her guarded passion and the increasing struggle to balance.

I will reconsider your Specific text problems:

Three’s are important to the story, and the overall structure, the moment of balance between extremes, and that she is always situated among three, (Mother, father and sister, Ness, Amelia and later another) is significant in a number of ways.

She is 3/4's to nine years, she has three names, she is of three heritages, which do play out. I will leave her background because I can say it as a child, who puts emphasis on such matters, where an adult does not, and can't get away with giving away their background.

"I was tired from having prepped food all day – doesn’t sound like the ‘Brie’ you paint, (or the ‘set’ she’s moving in) wouldn’t she have arranged outside catering?” Food is important, it figures later with Ness and Amelia – neither of whom can cook. Her name, Brie is obvious and Bathory is specifically chosen from Hungarian history, which does figure in devouring and eating, but in a unique way, Thanks for making me think about it and keep it in mind though.

“You refer indirectly to a continuing relationship with her Father, … and even up until the day he died he couldn’t remember the moment without tears in his eyes.” More explanation about their relationship is featured in Chapter Two. Danielle is an interesting character, who is deliberately not described as anything in the memory sequence, but a person who has tears, but does not dare shed them at the nod of Brie.

Thank you for all your questions – while I will change Chapter One only slightly, the questions you raise are a guide to help me keep certain things in mind while writing the rest. Very useful.

Remec:
You raise the same question as Neon in regards to Brie’s relationship to the Father, and sister, Danielle. I do refer to the Father more specifically in Chapter 2, but Chapter One offers a structural reflection of the relationship between the two, which is indeed very little, he is necessary and not.

Danielle is a balance whose teary eyes, yet restraint in submitting to Brie's nod, will figure later.

Feel free to comment on anything I have said, and watch out, because I might just track you down to read subsequent chapters

Colly and Abs:
Funny you should mention Robbie and Billy. Billy’s name was originally David, but considering the party scene, it was one too many David’s for me. I will change his name again. Billy was just something that came to my mind an hour before sending the piece to Pure.

The only other person at the party who becomes significant is the “guy in the sarong.” But he always remains that. I thought referring to him a number of times in the scene as the only one without a name would be significant enough to stick out in readers memory for being jogged a bit later.

The relationship to the Mother, and this addresses Remec and Neon’s comments as well. In this first chapter, the only one Brie feels strongly about is the Mother. “Wanted to please her and be like her.” “My love for her was replaced by hate.” Danielle is the one that reminds her of her Mother, and yet has compassion. This segue’s into Abs’ comments about the quest for love, which requires both passion and emotion, and it is essential, albeit, subtle, which is where I need it to remain for the time being, because it is Brie’s story, and she has not discovered certain things yet, herself.

Thank you all

 

[neonlyte]

Hi Charley

Just to clear up the bi-sexual confusion:

As for her sexuality, it makes sense between the dichotomies that she is bi-sexual, and since I do not see bi-sexuality as confusion, I would like to have further explanation as to why you see it as confusing.

I situate the party scene in the centre of Ness for very specific reasons. First, the past within the present and lastly because it is a wilder, more intense, fun letting-go scene in the midst of calmness. It relates to the outer exterior and her guarded passion and the increasing struggle to balance.

It is not the fact that she is bi-sexual that confuses (me), I think you intend it to deliberately throw the reader off balance, almost 'shout' her bi-sexuality. The sequence, for me is Robbie - Father - Ness (all males) then we suddenly discover Amelia in between. It confuses only in the sense that it is meant to take the reader away from considering Brie to be hetro-sexual.

With regard to the second part quoted above, your explanation to my comments, and others, clarify your intension. I suppose we all read from a different view point, I think, on reflection, I wanted to read more of Brie/Ness and was slightly annoyed to have a party disrupt my reading - bloody good party though.

Let me know when you post this, I'd really like to read more.

Wills

 

[Penelope Street]

CharleyH,

I read the piece twice several days apart, the first time without taking any notes. The second read I was looking for issues, inconsistencies, etc; but didn't find many. So as to no bias my opinions, I intentionally did not read the other comments, so I may well repeat what others have already said.

I like the character development. Well done and most efficient. I can't say that I like Brigette, but she is interesting and strangely sympathetic for a dominant. If the story continued after the point at which the piece ended, I would have continued reading.

The flow has a natural and uniform feel. While I'm not one to be interested in what color a towel is or who made the table, the style was admirably consistent in the presentation of such details and it implies the narrator Brigette is a scrutinizing individual, which seems most appropriate.

I had a few difficulties with the party scene involving Amelia. At first I thought it was backfill, then at the end I realized it was a flashback. The cast of characters was so large and presented so quickly I wasn't able to absorb them all as I read. This is the only place I caught myself wanting to skim. Even after I forced myself to read it twice, I still was unsure if I was missing something. It is, however, realistic and relatively brief.

1. Is there anything in this Chapter that needs further explanation. Any loose ends that you feel should be tied in ‘this’ chapter or that you feel I will definitely need to address later.
For me, this line is such a tease: "Perhaps it was that moment where I learned how to love."
It seems so out of place and I don't fully grasp it, yet I want to know more. Nice, that.
Otherwise, nothing that I did not mention elsewhere (see answer to #3)

2. Do you have enough insight into the main character at this point: her relationship to the other key players, and what she wants.
I picked up on a few things Brigette doesn't appear to care for in a prospective partner, and I could infer from that what she might want aside from 'balance'- whatever that means to her. Still, a little mystery being good, I don't think I need to know exactly what she wants. I'm interested enough to want to know more about her.

3. Can you see recurring themes/symbols/dichotomies developing.
The "everytime your sister calls, you jump" line struck me as odd- so odd I was sure it was intentional given the precision of the tale. I noticed Ness doing the cleaning with Brigette, but Brigette looks to have been doing the tidying with Amelia. I'm not one for seizing details, so the stainless steel this or the pearl handled that don't often grab my attention- if there was any symbolism in those sort of details, I am one who will miss it.
On a more minor note, the style and theme seem to be European, such as the given names of the Bathory family, various spellings (manoeuvred), referenced celebrities (Deneuve, Sirk, McCartney. Campbell) and phrases (change lights), yet a trio of American-made cars passes on the street plus Ronnie and Billy are common North American names. Later, Dani lives in New York which is "down" from wherever Brigette lives at that time. Not that all of these necessarily conflict, but they did strike me as curious.

4. Do you forsee a problem with any part of the childhood memory scene? (i.e., problem posting to Lit)
Well, maybe the bit about imitating the erotic statues and rubbing dinks. Seems to me Brigette would be more inclined to hang out with Ronnie just because he did what she wanted. Could tie in well with the house play comment; that is Brigette could control Ronnie mimicking the way Angelique dominates Sebastian. I think such a tact would be more inline with the theme and less provocative at the same time. I don't see the spanking scene as a problem of any sort regarding the Lit rules.

Overall, an excellent piece. I look forward to learning more about Brigette.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[CharleyH]

With regard to the second part quoted above, your explanation to my comments, and others, clarify your intension. I suppose we all read from a different view point, I think, on reflection, I wanted to read more of Brie/Ness and was slightly annoyed to have a party disrupt my reading - bloody good party though.

Let me know when you post this, I'd really like to read more.

Wills

Thanks Neon. First off, I am rewriting various aspects of the Ness/Brie relationship. Really trying to get a grip on how to give clarity to it. I like how I bring the reader out of the sequence with Amelia and back to Ness, but the transition from Ness to Amelia in the first place needs to be better drawn perhaps.

All I really mean here is that I am nestling Amelia's sequence around a box, which is Ness, who like a box reflects order, structure as a subtle reference to Brie, who's persona is controlled, supressing her emotions, particularly passion, among many other things.

So I wonder, in adding a bit more detail regarding Brie's relationship with Ness, and strengthening the initial transition from Ness to the memory with Amelia, if you would be less annoyed.

That you are annoyed is interesting though, and damn, now you have made me think of something else Which is great - I love thinking.

I will certainly let you know.

 

[CharleyH]

CharleyH,

I read the piece twice several days apart, the first time without taking any notes. The second read I was looking for issues, inconsistencies, etc; but didn't find many. So as to no bias my opinions, I intentionally did not read the other comments, so I may well repeat what others have already said

Thanks for taking the time to read, Penny. As you have pointed, and a number of others as well, the transition between Ness into the flashback with Amelia needs to be better set up. I will work on this.

I am glad you picked out the major concepts, which thrust this story forward, love/balance, and it's good for me to know that, at this moment, it is a mystery that would keep you reading into subsequent chapters.

Some of the other things you mention, I have touched in detail in other responses, but you do pick up on the curious, where does this take place? Question. I am being very careful not to mention Canada, not because I do not like my country, but rather it's not very exotic a place from my perspective, and so I would rather just leave it as any city. I certainly hope it's not too distracting.

Again, thank you for your comments.

 

[Lying Eyes]

Some notes and thoughts of mine, I didn't read the comments by others so I wont be influenced by their opinion.

Overall its a good story it works well as a first chapter.

One concern is that it it might not suit the general literotica audiences. First is the lack of sexual content and if my asumption is correct this story will be placed in the BDSM section and the bondage (spanking) is too light and not detailed enough for that crowd.

With each proud step I took, I told myself, 'I'm not going to cry. There's nothing to cry over.' As I lay over his knee, and the thick, tan barber belt clapped my small cheeks, I convinced myself, 'I will not cry,' and as I flinched from the slap and the smack and the strike of the leather, I did not cry.

While I'm not into spanking or bondage I do believe the type of reader who will normaly read this would be disapointed in this section because it is not detailed enough to suit their taste. It just wets the apetite. In my opinion it should have pushed to a deeper level. More of what is going through her head the pain, pride, humiliation, strength, weakness, longing for respect etc. More depth in the emotional level or/and more detail on the physical level. The feel of the belt on her skin. Bitter-sweet pain?

Note that having the character's last name as Bathory and the mention of her Hungarian heritage might be a mistake. I automaticly thought of Elizabeth Bathory the famous Hungarian countess that killed many young women. I then made the asumption (BDSM fans may make the same assumption) that the story was going to go in a much darker level but it does not, just BDSM extra light for now. Maybe in future chapters it will go in that direction. But if it doesnt then the name Bathory should be changed since it conjures a much more sinister and sadistic side to the story.

The whole humilitation of Billy 'humilated in my beyond eight year old way' seems lacking to me. Nothing was said why this boy was picked on and how he was picked on. I beleive most readers looking into BDSM story would want more detail on this.

Some of the references may be lost on some readers. I got the Catherine Deneuve reference but most younger readers may not. You lost me on the Douglas Sirk reference.

I'm sorry but two things made me laugh. The reference to David Cassidy and the last line... 'Just once I want a balance' I couldn't help but laugh because she is basicly saying I don't want a tender man or a dominating woman. So I guess she wants a normal man or woman?! Not what I was expecting in a BDSM story. Seems your hinting that the story is going in the direction of an even lighter level of BDSM, I think most readers of that genre prefer more extreme levels of pain/pleasure.

You can ignore anything and all of my comments. But I say in this case you can ignore the comments of anyone because you mention their is a personal side to this story. The more personal a story is the more it should matter that your happy with it and not anyone else.

 

[Black Tulip]

Oh nooooo!

Charley, I never noticed your story was up. I'm so sorry.
I will try to find the time in the next few days.

Right now I'm supposed to be studying for a test on Monday.
I missed the first 5 weeks out of 7 for this one, so I do need to keep away from Lit.

I do need to keep away from Lit.

I do need to keep away from Lit.

I do need to keep away from Lit.

 

[CharleyH]

oh Bewitched. S'ok. LE tomorrow, tis Saturday and midnight is the, um fucking hour?

 

[Black Tulip]

Right, time to make good on my promise. Like I usually do, I did no more than glance at the other comments before posting mine.

First: I really got pissed off by the mother.
Meaning you did a great job in portraying a rather cold, indifferent person. Jeez, what a bitch.

I enjoyed reading the story and was kind of disappointed that it ended so soon. It read very smooth and you had me interested.

I found two places that had me wondering. Could be my grasp of English.

But two things that my Mother couldn’t tolerate more than ill manners and misconduct were tears and weakness: especially in women.

Something does not sound right here, at least not to me. Is it correct to use "more" in connection with a negation?

Dave cut another line of coke on the glass top coffee table, a joint was past from some guy in a sarong

Shouldn't that be "passed"?


As for your questions:

1. Is there anything in this Chapter that needs further explanation. Any loose ends that you feel should be tied in ‘this’ chapter or that you feel I will definitely need to address later.

The relationship with her sister needs to be defined more clearly. Not necessarily in the first part, but you hint at a kind of coalition, Brie warning her sister not to cry. And later jumping when her sister calls.

To me the episode with Robbie is a bit too vague in terms of their respective roles. As this is about the making of a mistress I assume in this first boy/girl or first sexually tinted relationship Brie is not yet dominant. You mention it, but maybe you could pay a bit more attention to it.

2. Do you have enough insight into the main character at this point: her relationship to the other key players, and what she wants.

Control is what comes to mind. Other than that, I have not yet enough information apart from assuming a bi-sexual character who earns her living as a Dominatrix? It's not bothering me though. There's enough here to interest me into reading on.

3. Can you see recurring themes/symbols/dichotomies developing.

Colors, clothes and materials are recurring elements.
Descriptions of food and drinks give the impression of culture and sophistication.
The kitchen now is a nice contrast with the party kitchen. Wood versus metal, mess versus cleaned, food versus empty plates.

4. Do you forsee a problem with any part of the childhood memory scene? (i.e., problem posting to Lit)

This question is a bit difficult for me to answer. I see nothing wrong here and would actually like you to flesh out the way both children take part in their game. All kids play house and it's silly to pretend otherwise. And that is all it is here. Children exploring in a healthy way. But then, Dutch morality is a bit different from the American one.
No, it's not totally absent!

No doubt, I have mentioned points others raised as well. I just hope my comments are of some help to you.

Did I mention I like your style of writing? The party was filled with way too many people to take it all in, but it was giving a good impression of a party filled with drinks and smokes. In other words, if there were important people there other than Amelia, you need to give them more attention perhaps.

 

[CharleyH]

Originally posted by Black Tulip

Shouldn't that be "passed"?

You know, I have always had difficulty with this. When I first started writing press releases way back when, I used to use PASSED, but was informed by my boss, who apparently had a M.A. in journalism (though I would beg to differ on the meaning of this ), that passed does not exist, which has forever confused me. If anyone can enlighten me - I would be greatly indebted. In fact, it might just be a job for the Editor Board. Thanks for mentioning it.

The relationship with the sister will eventually be defined. I suppose I kind of write in a way similar to watching a film - introduce most of the key figures, even if in mention, and then bring them forth more prominantly when their role becomes essential to the story. As for the party, I believe I mentioned elsewhere, other than Amelia, no one is important. The guy in the sarong has his place, but is not a character who will be anything more than a mention throughout.

I have done a little with the Robbie scene to imply a D/s relationship. I have toned down the description of their clothes, and the only thing Brie does after pulling her turtleneck, is help Robbie clasp his bead chocker This is a relationship that I will revisit in subsequent chapters. Thanks for mentioning it.

Thanks so much for reading BT. I am not worried about the childhood scene apart from the story being posted on Lit. Hey, if Nicole Kidman can do a bathtub scene with a 10 year old, then in the greater context of society, what I have written is rather tame. I will, as others have suggested, pass it thru Laurel's eyes before posting in order to determine what needs to go, or not, for a Lit post.

No, it's not totally absent!

Yeah RIGHT!!! LOL

Again, thank you.

 

[Penelope Street]

Passed?

I think Black Tulip is correct regarding usage of the word 'passed'. One can visit dictionary.com, enter 'passed', and obtain a series of meanings, most of which are the past(no pun intended) tense of pass.

Defination 9a of the transitive version of the verb is, I believe, the meaning as used in the story:
To cause to be transferred from one to another; circulate: They passed the news quickly.

I should imagine it likely the boss/journalist passed a few joints of his own if he thinks otherwise.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[CharleyH]

Re: Passed?

I think Black Tulip is correct regarding usage of the word 'passed'. One can visit dictionary.com, enter 'passed', and obtain a series of meanings, most of which are the past(no pun intended) tense of pass.

Defination 9a of the transitive version of the verb is, I believe, the meaning as used in the story:
To cause to be transferred from one to another; circulate: They passed the news quickly.

I should imagine it likely the boss/journalist passed a few joints of his own if he thinks otherwise.

Take Care,
Penny

LO fucking LOUD!! Thanks Penny, you always save me. I am a lazy surfer, which makes me fall in the water more times than not. And you know . . . Boss . . . Bush supporter

 

[MLyons]

Hi CharleyH,

I've only skimmed the other responses (or it's been SO long since I read them I don't remember them anymore) so please forgive any repetition.

I thought this was very interesting. I really loved the beginning, and what it was showing us. I hope you don't have problems posting that to Lit. On one hand, it's certainly nothing more than a disobedient child being disciplined--surely nothing more objectionable than what we watch on TV everyday, but then again, the site's whole context is erotic, so I guess I wouldn't be surprised if they decided not to allow it. But for what it's worth, I don't think it SHOULD be a problem. It's not my site, though, so--there you go.

Anyway, I digress.

One random thought bubble, before I get too lost in my thoughts here. When I read this line:

There was a fire.

I thought at first that there was a fire in the fireplace as they were putitng their clothes on, not that a building down the street was on fire. I'm not sure if you intended a double meaning (or triple meaning perhaps, given what the two were most probably engaged in at the time) there, but it didn't seem clear enough one way or the other. Just a thought.

As much as I really liked the opening, with regard the the dynamics between child, mother and father, I'm not sure that the event that framed those dynamics (aka the fire) was as interesting and punchy as I wanted it to be. Somehow, the opening seems a skosh more, I don't know, glanced over, and shallow than it should be--not quite the epiphany that its placement in the story, and subsequent events seem to play it out to be. I'm not sure I can put my finger on it. Certainly you don't want to make big beacons and klaxons saying, "HEY, LOOK HERE!!" It's just that it doesn't seem quite cohesive or even directional yet, but perhaps that's a matter of really letting the rest of the story play out and then revisiting it once you've got the rest of the tale really fully developed.

Or maybe I'm just on crack.

That all said, of course, if this is a somewhat personal account, I want to be careful not to inadvertantly discount the power of real events that actually happened to you. If this was the event and this is what happened, perhaps it's a matter of just adding a few telling details that help me to feel it (the change of mindset, or whatever it is that we are supposed to feel) viscerally a little more.

To be honest, and this is not a reflection on your writing (which is excellent), the mother pissed me off. Being a somewhat sensitive type (and realizing that I constantly struggle with my own failings in that regard) I found myself identifying with the father more. I loved the image of him crying while punishing his daughter. VERY powerful, and yet very glanced over. I suppose it really wasn't the point of the story, but that's where alot of my interest in that whole opening scene was focused. Then you say that the mother divorced him. Divorced him for not wanting to hurt his daughter...

Excuse me for saying so, but what an incredible bitch. My hope is that that is the reaction that you were looking for. If so, you definitely succeeded there.

I do wonder what else instigated the eventual divorce though. I mean, it couldn't have just been this one event. It couldn't have just been his compassion when ordered to whip his daughter with a belt, could it? Honestly, if I were that guy, I'd probably have divorced her a long time ago, and tried to get custody of the kids while I was at it. I'm just not seeing why they were together in the first place. Was he a submissive and masochistic and just enjoyed her abuse? Was there something else going on? It's not that I object to that, I just didn't really understand or see it.

Granted... how much of this REALLY has to do with the story you're telling? I really don't know. Probably not much, but the point is that these things both fascinated me, and frustrated me because it just didn't seem quite thought out enough, or at least expressed with enough depth and believablilty for me to fully accept it. Afterall, this was the protagonists home life. These events and relationships shaped her. The fact that we've been introduced to her this way tells us so. So what you've got there has to make sense and be completely congruent--I think. Perhaps there's more in what I HAVEN'T read that gives me more information, but this is my reaction to the first chapter in a vacuum at any rate.

As far as parallels, I certainly see some with regard to the mother and the husband, vs. the narrator and Ness, and that is nicely shown without too much forcefulness and is believable. On a technical note, I thought that the second scene (between Ness and Narrator) was a bit too muddled with unnecessary detail in spots. Take these two paragraphs as an example (emphasis mine, of course):

"Another break-up with John?" Ness unplugged the sink, grabbed the blue plaid tea towel hanging from the door of the fridge and then stood behind the white, rectangular island, which separated the kitchen from both the dining and living rooms, whiping his hands dry.

"Every time your sister calls, you jump," he sounded jealous, hung the towel back on the handle of the stainless steel fridge, walked around the island, pulled out the pearl upholstered chair from underneath the tinted glass table, sat down with his legs crossed and looked at me.

It's just too much information for me. I don't need to know all those little details of how he finished the dishes, do I? It really slows down the narrative and isn't really telling me anything. Mind you. I have my own issues with hyper-detail, so you can laugh me right out of the SDC if you like, but the details you've chosen to give here just don't seem that important to the story. It's the conversation that's important at this moment, not the stainless steel fridge, and tinted glass table, am I right?

I'm still struggling with the problem of "detail" myself. To me, my inclusion of detail is almost ALWAYS centered around communication. If Ness is drying his hands with the towel, is there something in the way he's doing it that is helping him communicate his thoughts and emotions that his words alone can't cover? THAT is the detail I'm looking for. If HOW he sits down in the chair, or what the chair looks like isn't telling me something about HIM, then I, as a writer, and a reader, tend not to be interested in minute attention to the actions we perform every day.

In this case, perhaps you're trying to find a way to establish setting, and that's certainly a valid goal, but somehow, in this case, it doesn't seem efficient enough, in seamless coexistence with telling the story, or immersing us into the "living dream" of the environment you're trying to create.

Another nit-picky thing that I found a bit jarring is one I almost hesitate to mention. You clearly very much enjoy references to pop culture, and using them in a comparative way, revealing through a kind of intertextual metaphor some of the traits of your characters. I've seen this work really well in some stories, but it only works if the reader really knows what you're referencing. This pragraph jarred me a bit:

Amelia had been needy in a different way than Ness. High maintanance. Combine Naomi Campbell's notorious temper with Sean Young's supposed obsessiveness, tack on the spending habits of an heiress and the melodrama of a Douglas Sirk film, and then mix in the stereotypical sexual appetite of a porn star, and you pretty well ended up with Amelia.

I don't know. I can't speak for other readers but this description just didn't work for me, largely because many of the comparisons you referenced were not accessible enough to me--they weren't powerful enough, and perhaps there were too many of them. If it were me, (and ... you can just thank your lucky stars that you're not me), I think it would be more poignant to choose ONE of those comparisons and combine it with some more universally recognized symbols, or telling details of Amelia's personality that don't rely so much on the reader's knowledge of pop-culture. Don't get me wrong though. I don't see anything wrong with the occasional reference to something that goes over my head, but this description just seems to rely on them a bit too heavily for my tastes, and it borders on alienating me.

Like I said, I've seen pop culture references that REALLY work for me, most notably in MlledeLaPlumeBleu's "1984", and I realize that for those who truly UNDERSTAND what the author is referencing, the comparisons can be uniquely rewarding. I would just be careful not to ignore those who might not get the references at the same time.

Let me just quit my incessant blathering and see if I can answer your questions (unless I feel I've already answered them):

1. Is there anything in this Chapter that needs further explanation. Any loose ends that you feel should be tied in ‘this’ chapter or that you feel I will definitely need to address later.

I think I've said quite enough about this already, for the love of God.

2. Do you have enough insight into the main character at this point: her relationship to the other key players, and what she wants.

Well, kinda. I'm not sure that I need to know exactly what she wants yet. The only outright reference to what she wants that I see is at the very end of the chapter, and that is not so much revealing of what she wants, than it is a nice set up for her to really EXPLORE what she wants later. In that respect I thought you did a fine job setting all that up. I like it the way it is. I wouldn't be any more blatant or revealing of her real desires this early on than you already have. My guess is that "discovering what she wants" is in many ways, the crux of the whole story. Perhaps I'm wrong?

3. Can you see recurring themes/symbols/dichotomies developing.

I think I talked about this already as well. I enjoy the parallels between her past and present relationships. I enjoy the idea of what she's become and how she got to be that way, although I'm anxious to see what her "work" lifestyle is actually like as it plays out through an "average" client, and how she reacts and interprets all that internally. That will be the REAL payoff for the opening scene I imagine. Unless I'm wrong...

4. Do you forsee a problem with any part of the childhood memory scene? (i.e., problem posting to Lit)

I covered this as well. I hope there's no problem, but as always the only one who really knows is Laurel. ::shrug::

Ok. Enough. I hope this isn't "too much, too late." Sorry I was slow to respond to this one, but I"m very intrigued by what you are developing here, and I look forward to seeing more of it in the future. Hope this was helpful. As always, ignore anything and everything I've said if it doesn't jive with your goals.