Grammar -- the double possesive

[tomlitilia]

Is this correct?

Jena's moaning increased with every circular motion over her clit, and she moved her mouth between Matt’s and Bill’s.

 

[sr71plt]

I'd insert "mouths" as the last word in the sentence. Otherwise you're inviting the reader to think that Matt and Bill might have clits. (And maybe they do.) Nitpickers might say that clarity urges "over" to be changed to "on" as well.

 

[RunningJib]

possesives

Is this correct?

per MLA, only Bill's name needs to have the apostrophe. As in between Matt and Bill’s.

BTW, the 'and' after the comma is not necessary. very confusing

 

[AwkwardMD]

That's a lot of objects and subjects for one sentence. It's not a run on, but I'd consider breaking that apart to avoid word repetition

 

[Tio_Narratore]

I'd insert "mouths" as the last word in the sentence. Otherwise you're inviting the reader to think that Matt and Bill might have clits. (And maybe they do.) Nitpickers might say that clarity urges "over" to be changed to "on" as well.

Syntactically, yes, but the semantics leave something to be desired, as Pilot so aptly points out. Additionally, "between" their mouths is still a little confusing as it leaves her mouth moaning somewhere in empty space between their mouths. I think she probably moved her mouth from one to the other mouths and back again, perhaps repeatedly.

There also seems to be no relationship between the two independent clauses. Unless there is a connection between her moaning over the circular massage and her mouth fluctuating to theirs, it might be better to have them stand as separate sentences. But still, I think a connection should be made if they are related acts. Cf. "this sentence would have been in Hungarian, but my grandfather died Tuesday."

 

[tomlitilia]

per MLA, only Bill's name needs to have the apostrophe. As in between Matt and Bill’s.

BTW, the and is not necessary. very confusing

Hmm.. both these advice confuse me. Are you sure? I thought the lack of double s was the rule only if they have a communal mouth. And the lack of "and" would in my opinion necessitate a full stop instead of the comma.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Tio Narratore has the sauce.

 

[Kantarii]

That's a lot of objects and subjects for one sentence. It's not a run on, but I'd consider breaking that apart to avoid word repetition

I’m going to second this comment. I would try to split it into two sentences to avoid confusionKant

 

[RunningJib]

Very

Hmm.. both these advice confuse me. Are you sure? I thought the lack of double s was the rule only if they have a communal mouth. And the lack of "and" would in my opinion necessitate a full stop instead of the comma.

I'm very certain. As written, only one apostrophe needed.

I'd rewrite as:

Jena's moaning increased with every circular motion over her clit. Despite the distraction, she continued to move her mouth between Matt and Bill​

 

[sr71plt]

But back to what the title of the thread indicates the question might be about--I missed that the first time. The double possessive. Yes, in this case, the possessive should be on both Matt and Bill. They are separate mouths (or clits). Matt and Bill don't share one.

 

[RunningJib]

No

But back to what the title of the thread indicates the question might be about--I missed that the first time. The double possessive. Yes, in this case, the possessive should be on both Matt and Bill. They are separate mouths (or clits). Matt and Bill don't share one.

You need to become more familiar with current grammar standards. I suggest MLA or Chicago style. Or, as an alternative, Grammar Girl

 

[jp55665566]

Is this correct?

Jena's moaning increased with every circular motion over her clit, and she moved her mouth between Matt’s and Bill’s.

Seriously, you should trashcan whatever you've been taught about writing. Seems like one big typo.

Jena convulsed and whimpered breathlessly as the rough male finger twirled around her clitoris, a repeating pattern, like a Sufi dancer, around and around as she somewhat deliriously sucked and suckled at the boy's stiff, quavering cocks.

Dump all worn cliches, and every commonly used verb/adjective.

 

[RunningJib]

Love the sarcasm

Jena's moaning increased with every circular motion over her clit, and she moved her mouth between Matt’s and Bill’s.

Seriously, you should trashcan whatever you've been taught about writing. Seems like one big typo.

Jena convulsed and whimpered breathlessly as the rough male finger twirled around her clitoris, a repeating pattern, like a Sufi dancer, around and around as she somewhat deliriously sucked and suckled at the boy's stiff, quavering cocks.

Dump all worn cliches, and every commonly used verb/adjective.

But I would type slower so your point is understood

 

[SimonDoom]

I believe Pilot is right about this because there is not a single mouth jointly possessed by Matt and Bill. There are two different mouths. It's not correct to say "Matt and Bill's [mouths]."

But you also cannot omit the word "mouth(s)." Without that word, it's not clear what the possessives refer to.

Personally, I'd just redo the whole thing. I think there's no good way to write the sentence the way you've set it up.

You might get away with eliminating the second "mouth", like this:

"Jena's moaning increased with every circular motion over her clit, and she moved her mouth between Matt’s mouth and Bill’s."

But if you were to do it that way, I would delete the first "mouth" and perhaps replace it with another stand-in, like "lips" or "tongue." That way you avoid repetition. I would also change "between" to "from" and "and" to "to."

"Jena's moaning increased with every circular motion over her clit, and she moved her lips from Matt’s mouth to Bill’s."

 

[sr71plt]

You need to become more familiar with current grammar standards. I suggest MLA or Chicago style. Or, as an alternative, Grammar Girl

I laughed. Especially at the "MLA" reveal. The MLA is for English-language critique, dude, not fiction. And anyone who reads the need to refer to the CMS back at me hasn't done much reading on this discussion board.

 

[Sir_Maveric]

Personally I'd change the word 'over' to 'against' but that's just me.

 

[Oblimo]

Just replace the whole sex scene with—

http://oblimo.pbworks.com/w/f/126872279/AndThenTheyFucked.png

Never fails.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I laughed. Especially at the "MLA" reveal. The MLA is for English-language critique, dude, not fiction. And anyone who reads the need to refer to the CMS back at me hasn't done much reading on this discussion board.

I spat my coffee! Your response, Pilot, is remarkably subdued .

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Jena's moaning increased with every circular motion over her clit, and she moved her mouth between Matt’s and Bill’s.

Seriously, you should trashcan whatever you've been taught about writing. Seems like one big typo.

Jena convulsed and whimpered breathlessly as the rough male finger twirled around her clitoris, a repeating pattern, like a Sufi dancer, around and around as she somewhat deliriously sucked and suckled at the boy's stiff, quavering cocks.

Dump all worn cliches, and every commonly used verb/adjective.

"Zealously stand guard against the rising tide of clichés that looms ominously, ever-threatening to engulf your work in a sea of banality." -- Tio Narratore

 

[NotWise]

So what means this 'MLA' you speak of?

 

[Tio_Narratore]

So what means this 'MLA' you speak of?

Modern Language Association style guide. It is for non-fiction, as is the CME, the Chicago Manual of Style. It gives guidelines for form as well as citations. It, and the CME, are among dozens of such style guides. Fiction doesn't follow the same rules, thankfully.

 

[NotWise]

Modern Language Association style guide. It is for non-fiction, as is the CME, the Chicago Manual of Style. It gives guidelines for form as well as citations. It, and the CME, are among dozens of such style guides. Fiction doesn't follow the same rules, thankfully.

I looked at their website. Their style manual seems about as relevant as the AMS style or the APA style, or a number of other style manuals intended for specific audiences and purposes.

 

[sr71plt]

Here we go again. I've edited books for over thirty mainstream U.S. publishers, more nonfiction than fiction, but every . . . . single . . . one of them uses the Chicago Manual of Style, including the fiction publishers. I did a couple of books for a UK publisher too, Continuum. It used the Chicago Manual of Style (because its biggest market was in the United States--which is why I edited for them; I edited in U.S. style).


Every . . . single . . . publisher used the Chicago Manual of Style as its basic guide (of course they all had house style they put on top of that) for both nonfiction and fiction. I've edited dissertations for University programs that used the MLA, but not a single book publisher did.

 

[RunningJib]

Really?

I laughed. Especially at the "MLA" reveal. The MLA is for English-language critique, dude, not fiction. And anyone who reads the need to refer to the CMS back at me hasn't done much reading on this discussion board.

Really?

I respond to the original question. Based upon my education, the grammar in the original text is incorrect. Further, the sentence structure is very poor which causes confusion for a number of us.

Regarding fiction--we can discuss style until we're all blue in the face. Certainly, we can pick apart Hemingway's sentence structure. Yet, his style was appreciated by millions.

 

[sr71plt]

The original question (as I realized when I looked at it a second time) is about possessives, not about sentence structure. And, since you refer me to the Chicago Manual of Style (which, again, shows that you have no experience on this discussion board whatsoever to be so presumptuous as to think I need to be referred to the CMS as an authority. If you read here even occasionally, you would have noticed that it's almost a running joke that I give CMS citations frequently to editing questions), I'll note the answer I gave is supported by the CMS, 16th edition (a new edition is recently out, but I'm not buying it so am going with the 16th), 7.22.

We're not going to be discussing style, because you come across as someone who knows only enough about writing to be a danger to yourself and others and I have no interest in having such a discussion with you based on the tenor of your posts. And why in the hell you've brought up Hemingway and looked down your nose at me completely escapes me. That has nothing to do with anything I posted here. It makes you sound pompous.

I will, though, now go look at your list of stories posted to Literotica to get a feel for what basis you post here as someone whose guidance should be respected concerning the writing of erotica.