good?

[fire child]

little bit of sadness
I'm feeling here without you

still I'm shining brightly
yet not quitely

almost the color of blue

little happiness I express
I'm feeling kind of low

still I'm not hiding
yet not fighting

I'm recovering from the blow

little bit of sunshine
I'm feeling a bit brighter

still I'm not golden
yet not blue

I'll always be a tiger

little girl I am
I'm feeling a bit pissed

still not giving up
yet not red

just a kind of amethyst

 

[fire child]

awww dang--

did I just unqualify that for "still"?

 

[Guest]

Re: awww dang--

did I just unqualify that for "still"?

LOL - I just PMed you. Nevermind, it can still go in tomorrow with the rest.

 

[fire child]

heh

I just wanted to play post tag with you.

 

[Angeline]

little bit of sadness
I'm feeling here without you

still I'm shining brightly
yet not quitely

almost the color of blue

little happiness I express
I'm feeling kind of low

still I'm not hiding
yet not fighting

I'm recovering from the blow

little bit of sunshine
I'm feeling a bit brighter

still I'm not golden
yet not blue

I'll always be a tiger

little girl I am
I'm feeling a bit pissed

still not giving up
yet not red

just a kind of amethyst

Here's a few suggestions. Use them if you think they help--it's only my opinion.


I love the play of colors--it's a great metaphor, and the tone strikes a nice balance, imo, between melancholoy and whimsy. It has a nicely ambiguous feel that really conveys mood.

I think you could cut some unnecessary words from the poem to tighten it up. The repetitions of "I'm," for example, are unnecessary.

I also would avoid those "turned around" phrasings, like--

little happiness I express

little girl I am

This phrasing is sometimes referred to as "Yoda-speak." To me it sounds unnatural, sorta awkward. I think a more clear active use of verbs strengthens a poem. (But like I said--that's just one opinion. )

The color play imagery is to me the real strength of the poem. I love how you use blue for sad and sunshine/golden for happy, then end up with amethyst. Consider though that purple is a combination of blue and red. Could you change sunshine/golden to somehow reflect that? Maybe play on "rosy," "rose-colored glasses," "rainbow"--something like that. (And yes some will say "rainbow" is cliche, but I think there are no cliches, only misused words.)

Finally--another opinion, lol--sometimes the suggestion of rhyme in assonance (same vowel sounds) is even better than out-and- out rhyming. For example--

still I'm shining brightly
not quite sad
but almost blue

You could do something like that, which keeps the vowel sound but is more subtle than "quitely." (And see my point about extra words--if you say "blue" then "the color of" isn't needed.)

Hope you don't mind or think I went overboard. I love the poem, which I why I did the review--it got me thinking. And the illustration is wonderful. Hope you find the comments helpful.



Ange

 

[fire child]

all in all

for something off the top of my head, it did okay, but you are right, it does need work. I appreciate the help.

the pic was one a friend snapped of me while I was sitting in front of blue vase. The sun reflected beautifully. Best pic I've ever taken I think.

This is the first of my attempts at a "happier" poem. I will dedicate this to miss maria2394 when I complete it.

 

[Angeline]

Re: all in all

for something off the top of my head, it did okay, but you are right, it does need work. I appreciate the help.

the pic was one a friend snapped of me while I was sitting in front of blue vase. The sun reflected beautifully. Best pic I've ever taken I think.

This is the first of my attempts at a "happier" poem. I will dedicate this to miss maria2394 when I complete it.

You did more than ok, imo. And yknow all poems are sort of written off the top of the head--mine are, anyway--and they all need help. I think it's what we do with them after that first pass that makes the difference.

And Maria is a lovely person--good choice for a dedication.

Be happy.


A.

 

[fire child]

best I've gotten

still there's this little bit of sadness,
here without out you on this mile.
but I'm here trying to shine on
...and just a little blue.
I can't seem to force a smile,
I'm just so bone-tired,
barely here and fighting.
trying to recover from the blow.
still there's this little bit of rosy sunshine,
promising a better day,
not quite a golden glow,
yet no longer a chilled and icy blue.
I'll always be a whiner,
but now I've learned to stand up for me.
still not giving up,
not when I gaze at my reflection and know
that though things aren't golden glorious,
I've still got that red at sunrise.
I'm getting over you,
and yet still feeling a little bit
...well, let's call it amethyst.

 

[fire child]

random sputtering

my sarcastic muse,
I enjoy looking at your views
and yet in sunlight it's so different
so insubstantially pent up

my glass-shoe golden play boy
tell me again what are your joys
make me believe it's all the same
I can see where your hemline used to be

my proficient internet jade
enlighten me of your ways
as we party in sperate closets
and pretend nothings changed

my one truth seeking voyeur
give me a thought on what you see
at night we are so different
but in daylight it's just we