Good Twin, Bad Twin

[jessy19]

I'm gonna be posting a story called "Good Twin, Bad Twin" which involves two male twins getting it on. I do hope readers keep an open mind and take a chance to read it. Once it's posted please let me know what you all thought of it *s*
Jessica

 

[Chicklet]

hey Jess,

It might take a couple days for the story to appear on Literotica - I'm hoping that when it does you'll come back and post a link, along with bumping this thread up so we'll remember what to do = ) Sometimes we readers can be forgetfull.

Chicklet

 

[jessy19]

Ok now my story is posted. Please let me know what you all think of it. I know it probably won't be too appealing for the male audiences *s*

Jessica

 

[Chicklet]

Good Twin, Bad Twin

I'll post my comments later = )

 

[damppanties]

my comments

You miss quite a lot of commas and your punctuation needs to be brushed up. For example:

was pulling up the driveway.

should be: was pulling up into the driveway.

There he is that spoiled son of a bitch! Darren said silently

Did he actually say it or did he think that? If he said it, it should be enclosed within quotes. There should be a comma between is and that.

the boys became too opposite

Can they become too opposite?
Perhaps: completely opposite.

his evil twin brother

a little melodramatic.

He couldn't understand why they were such rivalries.

rivalries should be rivals.

These were just a few I caught early on. There are many more mistakes.

The abrupt turnabout in the characters of the two brothers was too unbelievable to take in. At first, I built up Marc's character as a goody goody guy but then the way he talks was different from what I had thought. The same goes for Darren. I didn't expect him to come and apologise after the fight. That is so not Darren. The confessions and sudden bonding was too much.
All he cared about was pleasing his brother. His one true love.

I'm sorry jessy, the story didn't do much for me. You need someone to proofread and edit for you. A little more time on character development (perhaps a stress on Darren's guilty feelings might work). You move from one situation to another too quickly without preparing the reader properly. Spend some time on that.

Keep writing. That's the only way to get better.

 

[jessy19]

Oh man I didn't think it was that bad! Oh wow now I really need to get my act together and write better stories lol